All-Time Sports Douchebags

The NBA has always been a revolutionary league, bringing many firsts to the sports landscape. 

Superstars with illegitimate children numbering in double digits, neck tattoos, posses, players assaulting fans/coaches and handguns in locker rooms have all been brought to us courtesy of the Association. 

Tonight an NBA player will once again break new ground by holding a one-hour special event on ESPN to announce the team he will choose to sign with in free agency.  In the process, he will no doubt create a new standard for announcements of this type, at least as far as the NBA is concerned.  Gone will be the days of the quiet negotiation and press conference, to be replaced by the era of free agency as an over-the-top sideshow.  I'm less than enthused.

When I heard that LeBron James would be doing this, following an interminable month of blather about his potential destinations (which followed an interminable 3 years of speculation on the free agent class as a whole), only one word came to mind: Douchebag.  Now I've never been the biggest LeBron guy, but I've never disliked him either.  There are many positive things you can say about him, especially when compared to other athletes.  He's never run afoul of the law, seems like a genuinely good teammate, has seemingly stayed faithful to his high-school sweetheart/mother of his children (of course we know appearances can't be trusted on that front, thanks Tiger); all in all, seems like a decent dude.

But that being said about LeBron the person, the same is not true of LeBron the player.  Sure the stats are great, and yes, the supporting cast hasn't been there, but it's hard to recall another player so ready to anoint themselves as the greatest while having such a thin resume to back it.  The line between confident and cocky for an athlete is as thin as it gets, it has to be in order for them to reach the top in the first place. 

Any pro athlete was likely the best on their team since they took up the sport, outperforming their AAU and high school teammates, maybe even dominating on pure skill in college before they really had to work hard to succeed.  Not only have they earned their cockiness by backing it up, they need a reserve of it to bounce back when things don't go their way.  Even the best pitchers get taken deep to lose a game, even the best guards clang a wide-open shot off the rim as the clock runs out.  Without an unflinching belief in themselves, they might hesitate to challenge that batter or pull the trigger on that shot in the future, and at that point, the battle is lost.

A bit of cockiness in players and coaches is a good thing.  I've never been a great athlete, but I've played with a few, and most of them knew exactly how good they were.  It was annoying at times, but the fact that they never got shook about the situation often kept the players around them from unraveling.  LeBron James has always been looked to as that player, so it makes perfect sense he thinks a lot of his abilities, he has to in order to thrive under the pressure that's been placed on him.  But many things in the last few years, from the "King James" nickname to the "Chosen 1" tattoo across his back, scream DOUCHEBAG! when juxtaposed against his lack of playoff  success.

No titles, one Finals appearance that ended with his team getting swept, refusing to shake hands with opponents at the end of lost series on multiple occasions and basically quitting on his team during the final two games of last season.  It begs the question, if LeBron is the chosen one, who's doing to choosing?  Kevin McHale?  (Of course that's a joke, we all know if McHale had the first pick in the all-time NBA draft, he'd have chosen Jordan and then traded him for LeBron.)  And if that's not enough, we've got this whole free agency farce, where instead of actually playing in the playoffs, LBJ was stealing thunder by making the interview circuit to discuss his future.  Rather than sit back and leave the spotlight to the players he wasn't good enough to beat, he needed to turn the attention to him, turning the game itself into an afterthought.  If that's not a douchebag move, I don't know what is.

The only question now is, where does LeBron fit in the Douchebag Hierarchy?  We won't truly know until he makes his announcement tonight, because although he's conducted himself douchily for the last few weeks, a lot of things can be redeemed by choosing to stay in Cleveland.  Ditching the fans that worship you is one thing, going on national TV to do so in a specially organized event is quite another, and would launch him into the midst of the following on the All-Time Sports Douchebag Team.

(Note: The majority of the Felonious All-Stars belong on this list, pretty much a given with the stuff they pulled, but I'm not going to revisit that here.(http://loservillechronicles.blogspot.com/2010/05/and-while-were-on-subject.html)  It's important to remember that criminals are always douchebags, but douchebags are not necessarily criminals.  If only you could bet on things like how long it would be before the words "Michael Vick" and "shooting" would appear in a headline, we'd all be rich.)

I was going to do a Top 10, but once I started thinking they just kept coming to me, so here's 20 and there are probably many more I'm missing:

20. Kobe Bryant - Ton of success, obviously one of the best players ever to play the game of basketball, but had to be included after years of petulant behavior, showing up teammates and breaking up a team with dynastic potential in his quest to be "The Man".  Plus he gave himself the nickname Black Mamba, and self-created nicknames are one of the pillars the Church of Douchery was built on; friends give you a nickname, only people who nobody likes create their own.

19. Randy Moss - Mr. "I play when I want to play" is one of the pioneering diva wideouts in the NFL, great to have on your team when things are going well, might not bother to step on the field when they're going poorly.  According to Randy, people don't like him because he's real, and the realness hurts.  Hurts your chances of winning?

18. Rasheed Wallace - The king of technical fouls and mediocre efforts, Wallace at times resembles an out-of-shape, middle-aged guy playing a full-court pickup game.  He chucks up a bad 3, then drifts back toward the other end of the floor, unconcerned about stopping the fast break he helped create.  I mean they're probably going to score anyway, why travel all that way when you're just going to be playing offense again in a few seconds?

17. Terrell Owens - Took the Moss template to version 2.0 by not only loafing, but reaming coaches and teammates on the sideline in full view of cameras.  Owens has displayed a consistent pattern of being a dominant force in year one with a new team, then transforming into an absolute malcontent in year two.  Rapidly expanding moles are less cancerous.

16. Brett Favre - Didn't cheat, philander or assault, but my God what an attention whore.  As mentioned in prior posts, my opinion of Favre would be significantly worse if he were not the QB of my favorite NFL team; Packer fans would probably have him in the top 5, the rest of the sportsfan public inside the top 10.  Three years of retirement, unretirement, rumor and waffling have worn patience thin with old #4, to the point where your average NFL fan might go into convulsions at the sight of Ed Werder standing on a dirt road.  The only thing positive that could come out of any further Favre offseason shenanigans is if he announced his retirement 2 minutes into the LeBron Show tonight, and turned the tables on that thunder thief.  Of course he'd need to unretire again in the middle of training camp, the Vikes need him this season.  Anyway, the whole retirement-unretirement saga is going to have to happen sometime to keep him away from camp, why not tonight?

15. David Ortiz/Manny Ramirez - By all accounts pretty good guys, but this embittered Twins fan can't forgive them for slugging the Red Sox to World Series titles and becoming the toast of sports, only to be found out for using PEDs down the line.  The grand majority of the enmity is aimed at Ortiz, who left the Twins organization as an oft-injured, strikeout-prone, part-time first basemen, was passed over by 30 MLB teams in waivers, then signed with Boston for a pittance and proceeded to become one of the greatest clutch hitters ever.  The story wouldn't be so bad had he not compounded things by taking shots at his former team, acting as if the Twins organizational philosophy was the only thing holding him back.  Turns out his power came in a bottle, and even though he knew that, it didn't stop him from using his lie to make honest people look bad.  Both literally and figuratively, he is a huge douchbag for this.  Manny's a douchebag for his hair alone, the drugs just put him over the top.

14. Bill Romanowski/Roberto Alomar - So they didn't assault anyone, but the actions of the spitting twins were probably a greater insult.  I know I'd rather be punched than spat on, it's just degrading.  We get it, you were pumped up, still a douche move.

13. Pete Rose - Bet against your own team (because you know he did), deny it forever, issues a halfhearted apology, write a book to cash in on it, then get indignant about not being forgiven and allowed into the Hall of Fame?  Hit King?  More like King of the Douchebags.

12. Alex Rodriguez - Beyond the steroids thing, which is bad, but pretty easy to diminish when you put it in context, A-Rod just strikes me as a smarmy little bitch.  He doesn't relate to teammates, doesn't seem like a leader, disappeared in the playoffs until last year, it's impossible to like him if you're not a Yankees fan.  It's doubtful the guy has ever uttered a sincere opinion in his life, everything about him seems fake.

11. Tiki Barber - Rip the crap out of your former QB and other teammates after retiring, then watch them win the Super Bowl the first season without you...Check.  Cheat on, and then ditch, your 8-months pregnant wife and two kids for a 24-year old former intern...Check.  Perform so poorly on TV and in life that you become a pariah who networks won't touch with a 10-foot pole...Check.  Get taken to the cleaners in your divorce settlement so badly you start claiming your broke...Check.  Have a nice life douche, see you never.

10. Tiger Woods - This has been covered pretty well, and you have to place the serial adulterer in front of the one who ditched his pregnant wife, them's the rules.

9. Albert Belle - But not in front of the corked-bat toting, non-autograph signing Belle, who once fired a baseball into the chest of a fan who was heckling him.  Seems like a lock for steroids, but then again he might've just been naturally insane, completely possible injecting steroids would've caused his head to explode on the spot.

8. Ron Artest - Some nice image rehab with the Lakers this season, but all the good PR in the world can't overshadow the Artest Melee as the defining moment in his career, not to mention one of the worst in sports history.  Adam Schefter from ESPN made the preposterous statement that tonight's LeBronathon is going to be one of those "I remember where I was when" kind of moments.  That's idiotic, but the Artest Melee, now THAT was one of those moments!  I was at the Fox and Hound in Denver, visiting my brother.  We had just finished a game of pool and sat down at the bar, I looked up at the screen to see Artest lying on the scorer's table, then a drink flew in a bounced off the side of it, then all hell broke loose.  I remember thinking "Wait a minute, is he going...what the...oh man, this is not good."  But it was, it was oh so good, short of this happening again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8K7roZu3WU , I couldn't imagine a more fun thing to see on a telecast.  In person might be a different story.

7. Roger Clemens - Another egomaniacal jerk who used steroids and HGH to get back at his old team, then rubbed their faces in it.  Add lying to Congress, cheating on his wife and being an insufferable Texan a-hole to the list, and you've got all the ingredients for douche casserole.

6. Pacman Jones - Grade A moron, might've shot a guy (or at least played a role), failed roughly 26 second chances, will most likely be broke very soon, if he isn't already.

5. Todd Bertuzzi - Tried to kill a guy during a hockey game, and not in the good way.  Almost succeeded.

4. Mark McGwire - Ruined the greatest single-season record in baseball, and made us all feel dirty after the fact for enjoying it while it was happening.  Many baseball cheaters profited from their actions, few opened the record books and took a big, steaming turd right in the middle of it.  Thanks for wrecking one of the special things about the game, Big Douche.

3. Barry Bonds - A spot higher than McGwire because he did the same thing did to the all-time home run record, and because he was an egotistical bitch who was hated by his teammates.  Special section of the clubhouse, extra lockers, recliner, only certain times he could be approached; give me a break.  Only saving grace about these last two is everyone knows their records are BS.

2. Scott Boras/Drew Rosenhaus - Exhibits A and B in why 'agent' is a four-letter word to many people.  Money-grubbing sacks of pure evil, these two parasites have combined to create the ridiculous economics of baseball (Boras) and football (Rosenhaus) using underhanded and generally doucheworthy tactics.  You can make the argument that if not them, it would've been someone else, but these guys are the pioneers, so they get the wrath, if I heard one of their private jets went down, I'd chuckle.  I might feel bad about it, but God help me, I would.

1. Art Modell/Norm Green/Clay Bennett/Robert Irsay/Any other owner who has or will move a team - This one speaks for itself.