Ho Ho...Hold on Here

Many happy returns of the holiday season to you and yours, hope everyone had an excellent holiday and got just what they were.  I myself did not find a franchise quarterback under the tree, but hopefully that's just because he was stuck in Philadelphia, guess time will have to tell on that one.

There I go again, discussing that team who is supposed to be avoided, but they just won't let me off the hook.  Now there's another postponement prolonging this season of weird, making the Vikings the first team ever to play on Thursday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday in the same season.  Pity they didn't have a Saturday game squeezed in there to complete this bizarre calendar sweep.  So rather than falling among the din of the NFL weekend, another meaningless game lost in the shuffle, tonight's game gets the full "nothing else is going on treatment" from the local and national media.

The problem is there's a lot going on tonight, with the Gophers tipping off the Big Ten basketball season against the hated Wisconsin Badgers and Team USA facing Slovakia in the World Juniors.  Now instead of being able to enjoy these two meaningful tilts in peace, I'm going to be buried in an avalanche of Viking fans, who are apparently unaware the clock on this season struck midnight some time ago.  Look, I'm all for sticking with your team when you're trying to draw inspiration for next year, but half the players and the coach will likely be different when next year rolls around, if it even happens at all.  Meanwhile some oblivious bartender is going to come bumbling along changing the station with the Gophers up one and five minutes left to play.  And then we'll all have to let loose an irritated "WHOA!" to make her realize her mistake and rectify the situation.  Point being, I love the NFL as much as (probably more than) the next guy, but get some perspective.

Of course, speaking of perspective, it's always important to remember that things could be worse.  For today's example, we look no further than Loserville's favorite guest poster/Gopher football superfan, my friend Derek.  Because today is the day, after fathering two great kids, that Derek will be going under the knife for the operation that makes any man wince uncomfortably.  I have two vasectomy vignettes (killer alliteration there) to offer, the first in the form of one of my favorite jokes:

What's the definition of tough?  Jogging home from your own vasectomy.  If' you're going for the pun in this case, change "tough" to "ballsy".  Seemed a little much here.

The second is the story of the time a few years back that I thought I was watching a knee surgery on some random channel.  Having had a couple of knee surgeries, I found this interesting and paused to watch for a moment.  It was rather perplexing that they appeared to be cutting a ligament, rather than reattaching it.  As the camera panned back, I understood what I was seeing...and was not pleased.

Anyway Big D, here's hoping that the Gopher hoops team doesn't add any more pain to your day.

Beyond BizzaroDome

A nice bit of novelty in the form of an outdoor professional football game came to Minneapolis last night.  It was a spectacle, and that spectacle was pretty darn cool.  From the fans tossing snow in the air to the wisps of smoke rising from player's helmets, everything about it was about 70% more entertaining than a similarly meaningless game played in the plastic atmosphere of the Dome would've been.  Much like the Twins move to Target Field, it made me think that I could get back into attending Vikings games if they held them outdoors.

Why didn't I go?  Got scared off by the idea of getting turned away at the gate because there would be too many fans attending.  Turned out not to be the case, and things actually seemed much smoother than I'd anticipated; all in all, I regret missing it.  Then again, considering the parking situation and the fact I was battling yet another 4 inches of white plauge during yesterday's rush hour, my arrival likely would've been just in time to catch the Gophers kicking off spring practice.  The good news is, I now have new-found hope that a stadium deal will get done.  That way the Vikes can play outside for a couple of years, I can get some reasonable tickets for bad weather games, then go back to watching from the couch when they move into their new palace, price out the average fan by jacking up tickets to nosebleed levels and end up with the ensuing soul-dead corporate crowd.  Lot of cold-weather cities are building outdoor stadiums, but we'll get a roof, and it will suck, life goes on.

Speaking of life going on, let's click the count down by one on the "Brett Favre's No Longer A Viking-O-Meter".  I'm now back to the place I spent all but about 16 months of my life: Damn I hate that guy.  From his injury BS to the constant fawning, it makes every game a drag now.  And yes, I know I'm a fraud for throwing him support last year, have admitted it many times.  Tell me you wouldn't have done the same and you're a liar.  The tragedy of all this is that I never thought to make "Brett Favre Bingo", including such phrases as: "He's like a kid out there", "You have to admire the toughness of a Brett Favre", "Consecutive games streak", "Gunslinger" and so on.  Two games left Bert, happy trails.

Every week I say I'm moving on, and I do...then something happens.  I mean has a team ever had a more interesting time playing out the string than this one?  But barring the team plane being hijacked or Brett Favre exposing himself during a drunken press conference, I don't see much happening Vikings-wise that will require our attention prior to draft chatter heating up in March.  Check back then.

In the meantime, there are some very intriguing things on the horizon in the coming week, including the kickoff of the World Junior hockey championships this Sunday and the opening of the Gopher's Big Ten basketball slate a week from today against the hated Badgers.  Of course the two weeks left of football season are nothing to sneeze at, plenty of intrigue to be settled, but it won't offer much help in relieving your weeknight boredom.  Steelers-Panthers on Thursday and Cowboys-Cardinals Saturday, be still my heart.

All I want for Christmas is a bona fide franchise QB, the kind it looked like Daunte Culpepper would pan out to be circa 2004. Unfortunately that won't be addressed until closer to April Fool's (fittingly) than Christmas, so let's put this thing to rest, and try to focus on forgetting how bad Joe Webb looked last night.  We're goingt to need something to talk ourselves into come July.

Getting back to what's important

Man it's a great day to be alive, even if you're trapped in a snowbound metropolis with cosmic war being waged against your sports structures.  Not only is it Friday, but for the first time since Labor Day weekend, this guy will not have to see the inside of a library.  That my friends is a reason for celebration, and believe me I plan too.

It's tough to execute a good old fashioned bender these days the way I once did.  The body is a lot less resilient and the schedule more hectic, but that doesn't mean I can't make a concerted effort to booze for 48 hours starting at 5 PM today.  The anticipation of having no school work for the first time since Labor Day has me almost giddy.  Even the random things that normally irritate me, like the Brazil nut (big ugly bastard that no one wants to eat crowding out cashews from my can of mixed nuts) or media coverage of English royalty (we fought a war to get away from these people, why the **** do so many of you care who they marry?) are rolling off my mind like water off a ducks back. 

But even in this relaxed state, I can't quite let everything slide, and as usual, most of my qualms are sports related:

• I'm irritated that we're here in the first place, but credit to the Big Ten for realizing today that it's idea for division naming is about 4 degrees to the left of retarded.  Please let them act upon this revelation and ditch the Legends/Leaders alignment for just about anything else.  As has been said by many, simply going with A/B, 1/2, East/West would be preferable, and when things are that simple, you've really outdone yourself.  This is the equivalent of buying a dog and naming it 'Hitler'.  'Dog' may be an unimaginative name, but it is highly preferable in this circumstance.  So bravo commish, I'll give you some points for taking action even if you were helped along by, in your words, a "90 percent disapproval rating" from your fans.  Hope the marketing firm that help develop those names didn't charge too steeply, might want to think about a focus group or two next time around.

• The outdoor Vikings game idea, which started out as a novelty, is quickly descending into the realm of gong show.  Now it's going to be 64,000 tickets for 50,000 general admission seats, with the potential for people to wait in line for hours and not get in, there isn't a better way to handle this?  Field isn't heated, concessions might not work, water pipes could blow, it goes on and on.  As much as I liked the idea in the beginning, it's all becoming more trouble than it's worth.  Would be one thing if the team was actually competitive and the home field advatage mattered, but they're not and it doesn't, so why go through all this?  Two reasons that spring to mind are money and eliminating the idea of sharing a football stadium with the Gophers permanently.  The latter situation would give the team incentive to actually make conditions worse, because the more problems, the more ammo they have.  But that's the cynical view. (Note: I reserve the right to change my opinion at the drop of a hat if there's a snowstorm on Monday night and it looks really cool)

• The Wild absolutely suck out loud right now.  The best player on the team is (gulp) Halfthat, and the rest of them look like a colective glob of monkey ****.  Capped out and going to finish in last place, good thing they gouged the sporting public for some much ticket money on their climb to the middle, because that well is going dry in a big hurry.  Every year the team gets worse and the tickets get steeper, it's quite a racket if the fans keep letting you off the hook, I look forward to the day I'm paying T-Wolves prices to sit center ice, judging by things, it ain't far off.

NFL Picks

Kudos to my brother Ben for keeping the picks train rolling last week (although you'll soon see why I kind of wish he hadn't, never make picks on Sunday from a car):

Week 13: 9-7
Last week: 5-10-1 (Hurts to type that)
Overall: 91-84-2

Ben
Week 13: 11-5 (On fire!)
Last week: 6-9-1 (Fire extinguished)
Overall: 54-46-2

Brent
Week 13: 9-7
Last week: 8-8 (Pretty respectable, all things considered)
Overall: 56-46-1


Kansas City +1 over ST LOUIS
Houston +1.5 over TENNESSEE
INDIANAPOLIS -5 over Jacksonville
Arizona +2.5 over CAROLINA
Cleveland +1 over CINCINATTI
Buffalo +5.5 over MIAMI
NY GIANTS -2.5 over Philadelphia
DALLAS -7 over Washington
TAMPA BAY -5.5 over Detroit
New Orleans +1.5 over BALTIMORE
Atlant -6 over SEATTLE
NY Jets +6 over PITTSBURGH
OAKLAND +7 over Denver
NEW ENGLAND -13 over Green Bay
Chicago -6.5 over MINNESOTA

Call it the week of the road underdog.

Game called on account of apocalypse

Sorry for the long layoff, but things have been conspiring against me lately.  From being crazy busy at work, to snowbound in Mankato, to taking grad school finals, my ramblings here have been put on the back burner.  Not to mention there hasn't been a whole lot of discussion fodder to work with recently.

But I had to pop in for a quick word on the official end to the Vikings season, which came last night, in Detroit of all places, as they were eliminated from playoff contention by the Giants.  Thus ends a season of bad vibes and worse luck, on a neutral field in front of people who didn't care.  Fittingly, the most enduring images of this season will be of a popped Metrodome roof sagging down toward the field, and turning the team into a band of nomads.  The figurative roof caved in about three weeks prior to the literal one.

Also fitting was the presence of Brett Favre on the sideline in street clothes as Tavaris Jackson attempted to keep hope alive...and reminding us once again that if he is your only hope, then you really have none to speak of.  If the ultimate villain in the franchise's latest downfall is going to be collecting a buyout on a beach someplace, at least the most enduring reminder of his failure could be there to put the final nail in the coffin.

But plenty of time in the coming months to discuss how we go about dusting ourselves, for now I just wanted to remind you that rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated.  The blizzard tried, but failed to end my run.  Much more to come when Thursday is past and I am once again a free man.  Including the Loserville: State of the Sports Union.

I know, you can't wait, oh boy.

Kill Me Now

Well you got the breakdown of who Derek wanted a couple weeks ago, so of course you've got to be clamoring to his reaction on who the University of Minnesota ultimately hired in it's latest attempt to resurrect it's dormant (that's dormant, not doormat) football program.  The consensus around town seems to be that if you like puns, it's a Kill-er move, otherwise not so much:

In a word: Underwhelming. When I heard his name on Friday, I thought I might like it more, but I just can’t get excited yet, perhaps because of all the initial negativity. Frankly, that shouldn’t bother me, because none of the commenters on the Strib, or people in the media, know much about college football, so I just need some time for this to sink in.


Maturi obviously couldn’t sell it to any of my top 7 or 8 guys, and had to start bouncing down his list. Sounds like we are paying him about $1M per season, which is not the “$2M-plus” that I had heard we had available to hire a big name guy. Having a new Prez and being a lame-duck AD didn’t help us either obviously. I have never been a hater of Maturi like many others. (I am not a huge fan or anything, but he has done some great things for the Athletic Dept.) He is an honest, passionate guy, but just doesn’t have the charisma to sell this job to anyone of note. His first mistake was to ridiculously declare that he was going to make a “Tubby Smith-like” hire. While that is fine as an aspiration, don’t set us up for disappointment by actually saying it. To get a major coach in basketball to come to the U is a realistic expectation, for football, just been too long since we were good.



On the hire itself, my pros and cons as of now:



Pros:


• He has 17 years of head-coaching experience, so he won’t have to learn that on the job like Brew did or like Chryst (Wisco OC that was reportedly on the radar this week, but Joel already promised he wouldn’t hire another guy without HC experience) would have.


• His coordinators are extremely loyal to him. He has had success, and anytime you have that, you often have coordinators that look for other jobs. IMHO, the biggest problem of the Brewster era (there were a few) was three offensive and three defensive coordinators in four years. Nearly impossible to gain momentum when that happens. We shouldn’t have this problem with Kill.


• He has had success everywhere he has been, slowing rising on the ladder.


• Say what you want about this, but he is a cancer survivor. He knows adversity, and won’t crumble under it like Brewster, Mason, Wacker, Gutekunst, Salem, et. al.


• He has a pretty cool surname. Lots of creative things we can do with the word “Kill”.


• From a money standpoint, at $1M per season, we probably won’t have another Mason/Monson situation where we hamstring ourselves for years buying out their contracts. I hate that I am listing this as a “pro”; almost like I am expecting this guy to fail.


Cons:


• Most of his experience is not FBS, only three years at NIU. And he hadn’t even had a “great” year until this season at NIU.


• He doesn’t appear to have the charisma that it takes to recruit. And, frankly, there aren’t a ton of big battles that you are involved in by coaching in the MAC. It is a good mid-level conference overall, but these schools are searching among the two-star recruits, and there are hundreds and hundreds of those, and most of them likely have just one or two offers.


• People saying that he “turned around” Northern Illinois aren’t 100% accurate. Yes, in 2007, the year before his arrival, they went 2-10, but they had a ton of injuries that year and actually had winnings seasons from 2000-2006, and made two bowl games in there. So, it’s not like he stepped into Doormat U, righted all the wrongs and had success.


• He just isn’t the sexy hire we needed to inject life into the program. I can completely understand the lack of interest in Mike Leach. The guy is a prick, doesn’t get along with people, is suing his former school, locks players in closets, has some baggage, and the list goes on. But, at some point you have to roll the dice. When Golden, Hoke, Calhoun, and Fedora weren’t interested, you need to see the writing on the wall, and get him in for an interview, at the very least. You could have structured the contract in a way that would absolve the University of responsibility if he did certain things that he has done in his past. He would have sold tickets, and right now.


• The continued apathy for the football program won’t help to raise money for anything else. Yes, we are saving money on hiring him that may be spent on the new baseball stadium or the basketball practice facility. But, when you have a good football program, all ships rise. If he wins, they will come back, but that may take a while.

 

In the end, no one truly has any idea whatsoever how he will do. We are upset because we think the chances are smaller, but we have no idea. Current case in point: Gene Chizik (5-19 at Iowa State before hired as HC at Auburn) took the Gophers defensive coordinator (typically not good defensive football) with him and is playing for the national title. So, only time will tell.



Bottom line: Gopher football is my favorite team on the planet (insert one-liners here), and he is my coach, and I will support the coach from right now going forward. That’s the thing about college sports, players and coaches alike make the decision to come be a part of my team, so I will support them. Go Kill!!!



A couple ways that I will be monitoring his abilities/progress prior to the start of the season:



• National signing day is February 2, 2011. Do we keep all 15 commits that we currently have (14 three-star kids and one two-star kid)? We are currently rated 6th in the Big Ten for next year’s class, so not great, but decent. Do we get additional guys that have the U on their radar? Most importantly in my mind, do we keep Max Shortell? See link below. I like the sound of a 6-6 qb who plays pro-style offense.

http://rivals.yahoo.com/minnesota/football/recruiting/player-Max-Shortell-95202;_ylt=AmVgDaMQXKrbMQM9Sb3oEnXPspB4


• Is he visible? Probably Brewster’s greatest asset (that turned into a negative over time), was his ability to get people excited, to be positive and to get press on the Gopher program. Do we see articles in the Strib during the offseason? Does he have passion?



Here’s to 2011. We open against USC (yes, that USC) in Los Angeles on September 3rd. I plan to be there with The Killer.



Go Gophers! Ski-U-Mah!



For my one-liner, I will go with: Have you considered trying out another planet?  But serious, I think we all hope things go well and this hire isn't Kill-ing our chances at a turnaround.
 
That will not get old for a very long time.

On the run

Reasons it's acceptable to drink before noon

1) Haven’t gone to sleep yet

2) On vacation (Must be actual traveling vacation, standard days off do not qualify.)

3) Killing time in an airport (Business or personal travel)

4) Tailgating

5) Sunday brunch

6) Attending a sports championship game or tournament (Full day qualifies, even if event starts after noon)

7) Viewing any sporting event that starts at or before 1 PM EST

8) Hunting/Fishing

9) Holidays (Thanksgiving, St Paddy’s, etc.)

10) Personal events/Celebrations (Weddings, funerals, birthdays)

11) More than 100 miles from home

12) Within the city limits of Las Vegas or any college town (Applies to non-residents only, likely redundant to #11, but sometimes only one applies and you need to be covered)

13) Participating in leisure sports tourney (Golf, bowling, billiards, darts, etc.)

14) Killing a mean hangover (Void if prior to going into work)

15) Divorce (Valid for the longer of one week or two days for every 10% of wealth lost)

16) Job loss (Valid for one week, then get your lazy butt up and find something new)

17) Being diagnosed with a terminal illness

18) Armageddon (Over 6" of snow in less than 24 hours counts)

 
NFL Picks

Last week: 8-8 (Riding the mediocrity train)
Overall: 77-67-3


Ben
Last week: 7-9
Overall: 37-32-1


Brent
Last week: 8-8
Overall: 39-31-1

Misery loves company

Houston +8 over Philadelphia (Starting off on the wrong foot here)
TENNESSEE -3 over Jacksonville
GREEN BAY -10 over San Francisco
Buffalo +6 over MINNESOTA
NEW YORK GIANTS -7 over Washington
NEW ORLEANS -7 over Cincinnati
Cleveland +4.5 over MIAMI
Chicago -5.5 over DETROIT
Denver +9 over KANSAS CITY
Oakland +13 over SAN DIEGO
St Louis -3.5 over ARIZONA
Atlanta -3 over TAMPA BAY
Dallas +5.5 over INDIANAPOLIS
SEATTLE -6 over Carolina
BALTIMORE -3 over Pittsburgh
New York Jets +4 over NEW ENGLAND