A scattershot Friday

Some days, my brain is more of a shotgun than a rifle. This is one of those days…

• Watching football last weekend, they kept playing this McDonald’s commercial talking about how great the Egg McMuffin is. If you haven’t seen it, the gist was people saying “it’s the Egg McMuffin of cars” or “the Egg McMuffin of beach days”, the same way you’d say “it’s the Cadillac of hemorrhoid creams” or “the Rolls-Royce of body hair trimmers”. But here’s what I don’t get, if the Egg McMuffin is so great, why is my favorite breakfast item called a Sausage McMuffin with Egg? Shouldn’t it be an Egg McMuffin with Sausage? If not, then why is a regular Egg McMuffin not an Egg McMuffin with Canadian Bacon? Are we supposed to assume Canadian Bacon is implied in our breakfast foods? Seems a bit odd, given that this is America, if anything, regular Bacon should be implied. On a semi-related note, if you really want to piss off a Canadian, offer them some Canadian Bacon. 9 times out of 10, they will respond by angrily yelling “We just call it ham!”. High comedy.

• Do you ever get cut off in rush hour traffic by some idiot who thinks he’s going to weave his way out of ever having to stop? When that happens, do you ever root for the traffic in front of you to grind to a halt, adding to your own commute, but screwing over the self-important a-hole in front of you in the process? I do, in fact I also hope the lane next to us that he just merged out of starts flying along at the same time. Sure, I’m not getting where I’m going, but at least I get the enjoyment of thinking “well what do you know jackass, you’re no more important than the rest of us, now stop treating this freeway like an Olympic slalom course and eventually we’ll all get where we’re going”. You might think that’s dumb, but remember, a Pyrrhic victory is still a victory.

• A couple weeks ago, I was in the passenger seat of a car, driving back from an out-of-town hockey game, when the window next to me spontaneously shattered. There was no warning or explanation for this, it just shattered and fell into my lap as we were driving along the interstate. Sounded like a gunshot and scared the heck out of me, but beyond that there was no harm done. We jury rigged a solution, drove the last couple hours home, and now it’s just an amusing anecdote. It did however bring to mind a previous traumatic experience in an automobile, when I was driving and got stung just below the eye by a bee who flew through the window. That hurt like hell, had to pull over for a few minutes and collect my wits. Obviously that bee had some sort of personal vendetta, or was an insect assassin. I bring this up because I can’t decide which is the better pun, should it be referred to a Kamikaz-bee or a Bee-had?

• Who came up with the octagon for MMA fights? Was the thought process as simple as “we’ll market it as twice as good as boxing” or was it more nuanced? I like to picture it as being a sort of roundtable discussion:

“Johnson, the ring is played out, we need to differentiate our thing from boxing and wrestling”
“Gotcha boss, how about a circle? Like that classic Roman fighting pit sort of look?”
“Circles have been done to death Johnson, and how is an announcer going to sound saying it? This is their first time meeting in the circle? Sounds like the neighborhood kids getting together for a game of hide-n-seek”
“Good point as always sir. Pentagon is already taken, what about a hexagon?”
“Hexagon? Are you ----ing nuts? Who the hell is going to take us seriously with a hexagon???”
“Sorry, don’t know what I was thinking there.”
“You could be onto something though with the extra sides, how about an octagon? Step inside the octagon, I like that, take it to the focus groups and see how it tests”
“Excellent call sir, should we throw decagon in there to get a comparison as well”
“Don’t ever try to one-up me again Johnson”

• Cheez-Its are my favorite snack food, and my favorite Cheez-It is the slightly burnt one. They have roughly 73 different varieties of Cheez-Its available now, which begs the question: Why can’t I get a whole box of slighty burnt Cheez-Its?

• Last week, the punt returner for the San Francisco Forty-Niners dropped a couple of punts and began receiving death threats on Twitter. Later on, a guy who had posted one of these classy remarks claimed his account had been hacked. This got me thinking, how far away are we from someone threatening the life of the President on Twitter, then claiming they were hacked once the Secret Service shows up at their door? Has this already happened? I want details if it does, if only to hold the moron responsible up to scorn and ridicule. The lesson, as always, the internet is the death knell of civility.

• I like to imagine really good quarterbacks as being total jerks, even if they aren’t. It just makes watching football more fun for me to think that after some rookie drops a pass and jogs back to the huddle, Tom Brady turns to Wes Welker and says “Wes, please inform wide receiver #5 that one more play like that is going to land him back in the paint department at Home Depot. Also let him know that I will be addressing him as wide receiver #5 until he gives me a compelling reason to learn his actual name.” I dunno why, thinking about it just makes me chuckle.

• The other day at the grocery store, I witnessed someone returning produce. This seemed like the height of stupid customer behavior to me, taking the time to return a 79 cent cucumber that did not meet your rigorous quality standards. Sure we’ve all been burned by the avocado with the “Ready to Eat” sticker that was about a week away from actual ripeness, but it’s hard to fathom being compelled enough to return to the store for reparations. In addition, the situation I saw appeared to be an actual refund, not a simple exchange for a new cucumber. It was enough to make me consider walking over and clarifying the situation. Did the offended party stop liking cucumbers since the purchase was made? Did they simply change dinner plans? Or was it that they no longer trusted the stock in the produce department or that particular store? A tougher issue, what if you’d never had some type of fruit, say a pomegranate, purchased one to try it and discovered it wasn’t to your taste? Is the store obligated to accept an perfectly sound item that you rolled the dice on liking, just because it doesn’t agree with your palate? Caveat emptor, I say, but then I’ve never been a very discerning consumer.

Happy Friday

A sad tale that will make you want to shake your head in disgust

Watching two conference championship games wrap up yesterday in stunningly disappointing fashion, I was overcome by one thought: Thank goodness the Vikings weren’t playing today.

If they had been, is there any possible way they don’t come out on the short end? The simple fact that Billy Cundiff was wearing purple when he shanked a 32-yard tying field goal was enough to send a shudder down my spine. Had the Vikings been there, they would’ve played that role, or the one of San Francisco, inexplicably losing on two muffed punt returns. However the particulars work out, some teams win, and some teams break your heart, the way it actually unfolds is just details.  But as both games unraveled, you couldn't help but think, that is EXACTLY how we would've lost those games.

In a twisted way, that can make you sort of happy.  Rather than spending today dejectedly staring into space, we can simply offer condolences to the shattered Ravens and Niners fans out there who deserved better, but ended up with what they got. Of course not all of them deserved better, in fact I know of one Niner “fan” who deserves only ridicule and scorn. To protect his anonymity, we’ll just call him Fraudboy, as it’s an appropriate moniker, given how things went down.

Fraudboy is a friend of mine who I’ve been watching football with for many years. He’s a dedicated antagonist of Minnesota sports teams, even going so far as cheering lustily following some of the more crushing losses in state sporting history. Obviously this has put us at odds on several occasions, even resulting in some isolated incidents of physical violence. Nothing too serious, no bloodshed, just the general sort fisticuffs that are the natural consequence of acting like a d-bag. Sometimes you gotta tell somebody what time it is.

At any rate, Fraudboy enjoys sports as much as I do, even if his loyalties are confounding. Despite living his whole life in Minnesota, he hates hockey, loves basketball and counts the Niners and Lakers as his favorite teams. Despite living his whole life in America, he also despises baseball. So while the rest of us sit and root on the Twins on a May Sunday, he will carp and whine about the fact that playoff basketball is being missed.

Now I’m not saying that everyone needs to fall in lock-step with the local teams of the town they grew up in.  But if you don’t, then you’d better have a damn good reason, and above all, you’d better be consistent. I’ve never gotten much in the way of good reasons from this fellow, and I seem to recall periods during which other teams topped his list. But since the past decade has been one of solid affiliations, I was willing to mlet it go. Then yesterday happened.

As is our custom, we headed out to a bar for the early game, looking to grab a bite to eat and a couple beers before retiring to the couch. Fraudboy spent the majority of the time haranguing the rest of us for incorrectly predicting that New Orleans would end the 49ers season the previous weekend. Fine. He also loudly proclaimed that his squad would win the late game and advance to the Super Bowl, because, to quote “this isn’t the Vikings we’re talking about here”. Fine again. He was throwing back beers, having a grand old time, king of the world, holding court from his barstool. And it was fine.

What wasn’t fine was that, after all the talk, all the bravado, harassments and insults, Fraudboy took a seat on the couch…AND FELL THE F*CK ASLEEP!!! (Some may say passed out, but I’m being charitable here) Now I’ll grant you he made it through the first half just fine, and many of us have dozed off during a football game before, but to fall asleep when your favorite team is playing in a conference championship game? Floored would not be a strong enough word. Aghast comes to mind, as does disgusted. I know of no other fan who would ever let something like this happen. I even tried to wake him up by trying to land Cheez-Its in his mouth from across the room, scored a couple direct hits to the nose, but nothing.

Just know that I could fly overseas, eat a Thanksgiving dinner, down a bottle of NyQuil and listen to one of those white noise machines on the ‘Babbling Brook’ setting. If the Vikings were playing a playoff game, I can guarantee you, wide awake. I don’t bring this up because it makes me special, it’s a trait that every other fan in America shares, how does something like this happen?!?!?!?

This moment will never be lived down, and I do mean never. I managed to text just about everyone that Fraudboy has ever watched football with, complete with photos to prove my point. Next season, and for every season the rest of his life, any time Fraudboy utters a “we need to get the Niners game on”, it will be met with a stinging “Why? You feeling like a nap?”

The only question is, how to hammer the point home more completely?

A pillow, or better yet, one of those sleep masks, embroidered with the 49er logo?

Setting a bottle of No-Doz on the table at the bar every Sunday next football season?

Text messages at 7 PM every Saturday night reminding him to go home and get rested up so he can make it through the afternoon?

All I know is, when you open your mouth, you also open yourself up to all sorts of people just looking to throw those boasts back in your face. With eight months to plan, you can bet I’ll have something nefarious cooked up for all 17 weeks of next season.

Fraudboy, you’ve made a critical error my friend.

Flub-u-ary

We laughed, we cried, in some cases we hurled things (remote controls, expletives) at the television. But now, as we enter the last true football weekend of the season, it’s time to come to grips with the fact that next Sunday, there will not be a single NFL game.

Sure, if you’re a special kind of degenerate, you can place a bet on the Pro Bowl in order to give it some kind of meaning, but we all know a glorified exhibition when we see it. Even the Super Bowl, with all its build-up and pageantry, has a starkly different feel than a true NFL Sunday. Frankly the conference championship games moving back a few hours has made this week start to feel oddly bastardized, but there’s football on when it’s light outside, so I’m rolling with it.

The problem here isn’t really one of sports, but more so the dawning of the worst month of the year. Read up on the history of February some time, and you’ll see that it’s the black sheep of the months, oddly shoe-horned into whatever space in the calendar needed to be filled. In fact, I’m making the decision right now to officially revoke month status, as well as its name, terming it only “the period of time that must be endured between January and March”, shortened to “the period of time” or T-POT if you’re a real brevity fan.

There might be a lot of Roman historical mumbo jumbo out there explaining why T-POT is shorter than all of the real months, but it’s obvious to anyone who’s paying attention why that’s the case. Whoever was in charge of the calendar decision making in ancient times, we’ll call him Bill the Calendar Guy for our purposes here, was just looking for an excuse to whittle down the length of this impostor. Bill knew that he’d be stuck inside his mud hut for days on end, nothing but the same roasted mutton day after day, without a tomato or apple in sight, freezing his toga-wearing ass off every time he had to venture outside an empty the chamber pots. In other words, it’s just like today, the dead of winter has sucked for time immemorial.

So being the sharp guy that he was (because after all, they don’t put you in charge of calendar decisions if you’re not sharp, you might turn swap Tuesday with Saturday and all hell breaks loose), Bill made a call, and slapped a couple of those days onto other months at T-POT’s expense. Even if nothing had changed on March 1st, you could still flip that calendar and feel like there was hope. Like many a great man in history, Bill understood the power of marketing in human psychology; if he were alive today, there’s no doubt he’d be making a fortune selling Ed Hardy t-shirts and Lucky Brand jeans.

Subsequent decision makers followed the lead of this visionary, and refused to put anything worthwhile within the bounds of T-POT. Groundhog Day? Valentine’s Day? President’s Day? Are you kidding me?  Much like the definition of a sport, there is the definition of a holiday, and it's quite simple: Do people get work off?  Not just government employees and bankers either, I’m talking about the vast majority of the working population. With all due respect to America’s presidents, what you have here is not a holiday. I wish it were a holiday, put it to a vote and I’d give it a yea in a minute, but as it sits right now, it’s just another Monday. Granted a Monday with less traffic. Sorry.

(In my wonderings about this topic, I also stumbled across the interesting fact the T-POT is National Bird Feeding Month. Are you f*cking with me here? We’re going to have a celebration of feeding and watching birds during a month when they flee the northern half of the country? What a swell idea! Tell you what, it’s Hockey Day in Minnesota tomorrow, but what do you say we move it the second Saturday in July? Sure none of the teams will be playing, so there won’t be any games to watch, but we could all go sit in arenas wearing sandals, how’s that for novelty. I guess the upshot is, because the birds are having a tough time, you’re supposed to offer them extra food and shelter. Thing is, I don’t see a whole lot of birds whipping around my neighborhood in the dead of winter, they leave town for more hospitable climes. In that sense, we probably could all learn a thing or two from the birds, I mean beyond the hilarity of taking a sh*t on someone’s freshly washed car.)

Some people will try to point out that the Super Bowl occurs during T-POT, but that’s a new development, and one coldly calculated by the NFL to build additional hype. They want to throw the first week of this time frame a bone, so be it, but it’s definitely not natural.

Anyway, the month formally known as February sucks, and it will be here before you know it, good luck.


NFL Picks

2-2 last week on winner, but 0-4 against the spread, this will not stand. 

Karma finally paid back the Saints for the NFC Championship game from two seasons ago, only problem was, the Vikings were the beneficiaries.  I don't blame myself for that one.

The Patriots scored twice before the Broncos got off the bus, and destroyed my thoughts of a cover; I do blame myself for that one.  Let the Tebow mysticism of the past few weeks get inside my head, forgetting about the Brady mysticism of the last decade.  Dumb.

This week, I'm more confused than ever, but the good news is, only two opportunities to be wrong.

Baltimore @ New Englad (-7)
I'm trying to think of someone on the Ravens who can cover Rob Gronkowski, and failing.  I'm also trying to reconcile how all those "New England can't win a championship with this defense" stories from a month ago have somehow been rendered moot.

The pick: New England 33, Baltimore 24


New York Giants @ San Francisco (-2.5)
Feels like the Giants, but isn't Eli Manning due for a couple bad interceptions?  And isn't the likely place for that to happen on a damp and windy day in San Francisco?  The other side of the coin is, if Alex Smith plays successfully against a defense that stymied Aaron Rodgers, is it time to sell your possessions and live out the final months of human existence on a beach somewhere?

The pick: San Francisco 23, New York Giants 20

So hey, that means Ravens vs. Giants in the Super Bowl.  Enjoy the games and drink deep the cup of football on this final weekend.

Monday aftermath

The Germans call it schadenfreude, a malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others.  That seems to be the general sentiment washing over the state of Minnesota today, following the unceremonious exit of the Green Bay Packers in their first playoff game of the season.

I don't blame Vikings fans for celebrating this, particularly those who have friends, family or co-workers constantly reminding them of the gulf separating the two franchises.  My buddy Lee, for instance, has extended family all over Wisconsin who never miss a chance to needle him on this subject.  People in those circumstances are allowed to be giddy.  Heck, they're allowed to have a t-shirt made commemorating the occasion if they feel like it.

Just realize, you're not turning the tables on anything.  The Super Bowl scoreboard still reads Packers 4, Vikings 0, and the 2011 win totals fall right in line with it.  I'm not here to defend Green Bay or their fans, but some of the gloating over their loss is borderline comical, and would only be appropriate if the Purple had delivered it themselves.

Imagine the tables were turned, the miraculous had happened, and the Vikings were the defending champs, entering the playoffs after a 15-1 season.  A Vikings fan being beside himself with grief over that loss would rank among the greediest acts of all time.  Because being the defending champs means you won one, and that's all we've been asking for how long now?  Maybe this Packers season was like football bulimia: They had a nice meal (season), excused themselves, then went in the bathroom and vomited all over everything.  But are the anorexic Vikings really better off?  Seems everyone is going to bed hungry.

Some guy on the radio said the Saints and Packers losing made today "the greatest day of my life".  Hyperbole, no doubt, but sad hyperbole, because it says something very disturbing about Vikings fans as a group.  (Sadder still if that man has children, but that's another conversation).  Personally, I'm reserving the title of greatest (sports) day of my life for the day when we finally break through.  I don't even see how watching someone else lose can move beyond a good day to achieve "great" status.  A bit of cold comfort to make the workplace/family gathering/corner bar a tad more hospitable, that's about it. 

Did I enjoy it?  Sure.  But let's not make it part of our sporting lore.

Who should be gloating?  Gopher hockey fans.  Despite a split last weekend in Grand Forks, the maroon-and-gold outplayed North Dakota, and looked a lot classier in the process. (Cue Gopher fans: When have they not looked classier?)  I've chafed plenty over the years at having to listen to people whine about "cheap" and "dirty" UND players who were guilty of nothing more than physical play.  The clucking hens are never worse than when Minnesota comes to town, and I've chalked most of it up to the frustration of losing.  But lately, they're starting to have a point.

I don't care how nasty a game gets, certain lines have been crossed repeatedly by North Dakota players, and it's getting old.  You can't line a guy up on a terrible check from behind out of frustration, and most importantly, YOU CAN'T HIT SOMEBODY IN THE HANDSHAKE LINE!!!  Congrats Ben Blood, you made Deadspin, for all the wrong reasons.  And yes, for fairness, the Gophers Mark Alt was also guilty of a bad CFB on Saturday, but two dumb plays don't make a right.

Now I don't know all the history between these players and I'm obviously not dealing with the emotions of the game, but this isn't the first time this stuff has gone on in the handshake line, and it's tiresome.  It doesn't matter what the extenuating circumstances are, you're never going to come off looking good by getting into a shoving match while shaking hands.  If you're that angry, just forgo the line and skate off.  Emotions run high, but the reputation of your team and school are also involved here, get a grip.

There was a lot to be positive about over a weekend that featured some great play, and the Ralph as loud as I've ever heard it in my life.  The UND players probably felt as passionate as the fans did about closing out their last WCHA home series with Minnesota in a big way.  But coming from a guy who will defend any legal play you make to anyone who opens their mouth to criticize it, I have to say, if you're not planning to shake hands, don't get in line in the first place.

And for any Sioux fan that wants to say this stuff is "no big deal" or "the guy had it coming", I can offer a practical reason you should dislike it.  This stuff draws penalties that hurt in big games.  Agree with the calls or not, they happen, and that needs to be weighed against the need to "send a message" or "set a tone" against any opponent.  Particularly the skilled ones that show up last in the season when the chips are down.

2012 State of the 'Ville: The University of Mediocrity

I was going to talk about the University of Minnesota sports teams, but given what’s going on this week, and their recent history, I can’t muster much steam to discuss them. So football and basketball, all you get is a haiku, which is probably more than you’re worth at this point.

Gopher football:

Fits of competence
Can’t mask the reality
They're still sh*tty

Gopher basketball:

Tubby Smith can’t stop
A winless Big Ten Season
Start cheating again

You can go on and on about how to fix these broken programs, but the bottom line is they’ve been bad for a long time and at the moment might be worse than ever. Understanding that a lot of passion exists for these teams, it hasn’t been enough to turn the tide for a very long time. Flashes of competence have appeared, and frankly that’s really all we’re asking for at this point. The bar has been lowered to such an extreme that a winning season or tourney berth might be just cause to overturn a car or two in Dinkytown. Well be back for the fall hope sale, at the moment, there’s not much to discuss.

Where there is something to discuss, for the first time in a couple seasons, is on the hockey front, where the University’s one consistent performer appears to have shaken off its recent slump. After back-to-back years of missing the NCAA tourney, the maroon-and-gold seem to have righted itself and are looking like a lock to make the field this spring. Of course, being a fan of the University of North Dakota (team name omitted), I am duty bound to hate the Golden Rodents. While I may not begrude succes to many friends who count themselves fans, I cannot in good conscience root for them.  Probably a lucky thing, as my support has never boded well for any other Minnesota athletic endeavors.

This weekend is one that has come to be circled on the calendar, as three of the past four years, the second week in January has been host to both the NFL Divisional playoffs and a Sioux-Gophers hockey series. This is the first year that the Sioux will not officially be known as the Sioux, having officially retired the name at the end of last year, but I will continue to call them as such, regardless of what the PC terrorists at the NCAA have instructed. You can have my nickname when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. For future reference, please note that the tribes required to give approval likely supported the Fighting Sioux, but they were not allowed to voice said support through a binding vote. Just in case some schmuck tells you otherwise, this wasn’t about helping anybody, just the college sports authority trying to take people’s eye off the ball.

It’s a bit amazing that the NCAA has the time to go about writing societal wrongs of this type, seeing as how they can’t even create system to crown a football champion that’s worth a f*ck. But this horse has been beaten to death over the years, not going to be belabor the point it again. Just had to get in a few shots at a corrupt, money-grubbing organization who exercises it’s outrage selectively, against only those wrongs that don’t impact its bottom line. This has been an unfair, despicable process to watch unfold, but it is what it is, and it’s over, just like this rant.

Because even if it doesn’t say ‘Sioux’ on the front of the jersey, the hockey games this weekend are going to be just as fun to attend, and just as huge in the standings for a UND team that got out of the gate slowly. It’s been 20 years since one of these teams swept a 4-game season series from the other, and since I’ll be in attendance for both tilts, I’m really hoping that this isn’t the year when that steak is broken. The Gophers may be in the catbird seat, but the guys in green have quite a bit of work to do, fortunately this is usually the time of year that they start taking care of business. This post from a year ago captures my personal history with the matchup; beyond that, there’s not much to say but GO SIOUX!

NFL Playoff Picks

Just when I start to think I'll be able to sit and watch sports like a sane adult, something comes along to set me off.  Last Sunday, watching God's own virginal soldier Tim Tebow lead the Denver Broncos to victory was one of those things.  Back in November 2010, when Tebowmania was just in it's infant stages, I declared him an official sports nemesis.  So of course, it's not surprising to see the success he's enjoyed since.  As usual, it's not the man (or the band, or the fad, or the show) that I hate, it's the disciples who wander around, incessantly touting it's virtues.  If Tim Tebow were just another mediocre passer, that would be that, but unfortunately he brings along extra baggage that I'm sure you're all aware of.

At times earlier this season, my view softened, due to the enjoyment of improbably Bronco wins that featured almost zero discernable quarterback play.  Unfortunately I never imagined this trend would show up to start compromising the NFL postseason.  The enjoyable part of it was the circus-freak quality, passes in the dirt and 3-for-15 performance that somehow spelled victory.  Watching last Sunday was like having your son bring the bearded lady home to dinner, okay on a midway, not so much in the living room.

And he's just such a lucky bastard!  It always irritates me when teams make a game they don't belong in through good fortune, inevitably compromising the entertainment value when they do.  Last season's Bears team had no business in the NFC Championship game, but thanks to a string of regular-season games against 3rd-string QBS, and an improbable upset by Seattle, there they were.  I hated them for that, and it's was much the same with Tebow.

But then something happened, and it's the thing I hate happening when I get worked into a nice lather with a good case of sports hate: Perspective crept in.  You watch the press conference from last week's game, and one of the first things he brings up is comforting a sick girl before the game.  Dang.  Every quote is dripping with humbleness, praise of teammates, just the general qualities you hope the people in the public eye possess.  You're making it very tough to dislike you Tim.

Of course there are the twelve mentions of God in two minutes, it's at the point where the sound of his voice causes my eyes to roll involuntarily.

But anyway, officially flip-flopping for the 27th time and softening my stance on Tebow.  Let the chips fall where they may, if he can pull off a miracle and win the Super Bowl, well then I'm officially a believer in that Mayan end-of-days prophecy, somebody save me a seat at church.

Of course if he guides his team there, then hands the Packers another championship with a 5-27, 39 yard stinkbomb, we're back to square one.


New Orleans (-3.5) @ San Francisco

It would be great to see the 49ers win this game, but I just don't see it happening.  You can definitely make the argument, they're at home, outdoors, on grass.  The defense has been great and you know the team will be jacked up.

But you know the Saints are going to score some points, and being able to spread the Niners out, totally negating the strength of their run defense, gives them the nod to victory in my mind.  New Orleans will score, and I don't like an Alex Smith-led offense's chances of answering.  Of course I'm also the guy who thought T.J. Yates had no chance of winning a playoff game last week, so what do I know?

The pick: New Orleans 27, San Francisco 20


Denver @ New England (-13.5)

Two reasons:

This line is huge.
I'm done betting against Tebow in the playoffs when it's obvious he has mystical forces on his side.

It was my mistake reading too much into the hiccups down the stretch in December.  I'd imagine God as a sports entity is kind of like Phil Jackson, he might allow some things to slip during the regular season, but you know he's going to have things locked in come playoff time.  It doesn't matter if the Holy Ghost (Kobe) is pouting about not getting top billing or Jesus (Shaq) spends the first few months of the season playing himself into shape, when that bell rings, it will be answered.

And I will not be on the wrong side of another Tebow victory cover.

The pick: New England 31, Denver 20


Houston @ Baltimore (-7.5)

The Joe Flacco coming out party that quiets his doubters and shows he's a big-time QB?

Or the Joe Flacco collapse that starts Ravens fans down the "we'll never win anything with Flacco!" path?

Neither would surprise me, but the combination of Baltimore being undefeated at home and the belief that T.J. Yates has to fold eventually (right?) has me leaning toward a fairly easy Ravens victory.  Not to mention I don't think a Texans defensive end will manage to grab a pick-six on a pass thrown while he was standing about two feet from the quarterback!  Forget the 80-yard pass to end the Denver game, for my money that was the most amazing play of the weekend.  Not breaking fingers on that play would've been good, never mind a catch and return.

The pick: Baltimore 27, Houston 17


New York Giants @ Green Bay (-7.5)

Of all the games happening this weekend, this is the one I will be rooting the hardest for.  My favorite remaining team taking on the hated Cheeseheads from the state next door, not much could be finer than a Giant victory.

Unfortunately, I don't like the vibe of what I'm hearing, there are just a few too many people giving the Giants a bit too good of a chance.  We are, after all, talking about a 15-win team, playing at home, against the most inconsistent squad in the league.  Tell me all you want about how the Giants have the right kind of team to beat the Packers, how they can get pressure with their front four, and they almost beat them last time.  I'd love to agree, but I just don't think so, too many good vibes are a bad thing for the G-Men, they need to be given no chance to succeed.  Although for gambling purposes, sure would be nice if this line was 6 1/2.

The pick: Green Bay 35, New York Giants 24

2012 State of the 'Ville: The Ws who need more Ws

First off, it's 52 degree in Minneapolis right now, I have two things to say about that:

1) Al Gore, you were right, but it is in no way inconvenient
2) It's only 10 weeks until March Madness/Final Five, the greatest sports weekend of the year, any chance the weather could just stay this way until then?

A bit odd to be thinking winter sports on a day when it's anything but winter outside, yet it's time to assess the winter sports teams.  Or as I call them, the Olves and the Ild, the two Ws that lack Ws.

That joke may not be great material, but it doesn't change the reality of the situation faced during the long, (typically) cold Minnesota winters.  February can be a hellish month to live in this state.  In addition to the cold or snow, boredom weighs down like an anvil on your chest.  Cabin fever sets in, it's dark all the time; once the temperature reaches a certain point, venturing outside is limited to getting the mail and the hated act of shoveling.  During really bad winters, like the last one, people end up walking around with a half-glazed look on their face, hallucinating an oasis of green grass like a thirsty man in a desert.

Basically the need for distractions is at it's peak, just as the number of them dwindles to almost nothing.  Only so many trips to the rink can be made and the skiing situation is limited at best, so basically everyone ascribes to the twin tenets that I do year-round: Drinking and sports.  Problem is, the precious little entertainment offered by awful winter sports can make drinking a bit too prominent in the equation.  So it's basically the improvement of the Wolves and Wild is more than a sports thing, it's a public health issue.

(But first, we need to get whoever comes up with the ridiculous definition of "binge drinking" as being five drinks to realize that they need to calibrate.  Nobody is taking you seriously with this type of nonsense, it's going to fall on deaf ears.  People hear the term "binge" and think "that sounds excessive, then they hear the definition and think "what a bunch of reactionary BS, that reminds me, I should have a beer".

Five drinks isn't a binge, it's a Friday.  Five drinks is only a binge if you're under 18 years old and 5'8".  I wouldn't call having five slices of pizza "binge eating", particularly if you were really hungry.  The whole thing depends on the circumstances, and alcohol should be treated the same way.  If you lost your job today, five drinks is probably just getting warmed.

This topic is front-of-mind today, because I just read this really dumb article in the paper.  My first question is, if people are averaging nine drinks when they binge drink, then why not make that number the definition?  Not only would it be more fair to every guy who ever had five beers over a couple hours of poker, it might make people take the whole concept seriously for once.  We also need a more firm time limit, the whole "few hours" thing not only seems too generalized, but implies a leisurely pace that I do not associate with the term "binge".  I'm putting it at 3 hours, if you're not putting down a drink every 20 minutes, that's not a binge, plain and simple. 

Secondly, if binge drinking is most common among people who make $75k or more, where's the problem?  One man's binge is another man's unwinding at the end of a long week.  My advice to anyone making over $75k a year would be to keep doing what you're doing.  Have we spent any time investigating the linkage here?  I know that correlation doesn't prove causation, but perhaps people that know how to have a good time are just inherently more successful.

Finally, Wisconsin at 26% binge drinkers, once again you show us the way.  The West Virginia number I don't buy for a minute, they're lying so you don't go snooping around by the still out back.  And is it just me, or is there caption on that picture blatantly racist?  Not to mention you spelled schnapps wrong, otherwise great work their guys.

So here's where we landed:

Binge drinking - 9+ drinks in under 3 hours
Happy hour - Binge drinking for people who work, but make under $75k for year
Cocktailing - Binge drinking for people who make over $75k per year
Wassailing - Binge drinking on a holiday
Bender - Binge drinking for 3+ days in a row, requires immediate hair-of-the-dog, any attempt to fight a hangover disqualifies

Now those are some definitions with a chance of getting some traction with the public, back to sports.)

The Wolves haven't been to the playoffs since 2004, which was also the only year they made it out of the first round in franchise history.  The Wild are currently nursing a 3-year playoff drought of their own, and similarly have a single season of any real note in their history.  Both teams came into this season with new coaches, and both, despite early signs of life from the Wild, seem likely to continue their current streaks of futility this season.

But things are looking up (no, seriously, they are), with an influx of young talent and prospects on both rosters.  I'm happy to say that it appears I was dead wrong on both Kevin Love (who I didn't think they should've traded OJ Mayo for) and Ricky Rubio (who I didn't think would ever play here).  Both are here now and look like franchise building blocks, although it is quite early to say that, on Rubio in particular.

The Wild have turned a bare cupboard into and nice stockpile of young talent, granted that much of it is still too young to be contributing at the NHL level.  Despite my personal conspiracy theory that owner Craig Leipold forced the signing of uninspired winger Marty Havlat a few years ago, he generally seems like a fan at heart, wanting to see the team win and being willing to spend to do so.

Both teams have left the salary-cap hell of a few years ago, when they were not only terrible, but paying handsomely for the privilege.  As difficult as it seems to be to lure free agents to Minnesota, there is at least now room to do so.  It's highly doubtful we'll see a playoff appearance in Minneapolis or St. Paul this spring, but in the not-too-distant future, that should be the expectation.  If next year isn't contention, then it should definitely be the year after, frankly it's been too long already.


Timberwolves
Where we are: Emerging from the 7th circle of franchise hell

2012 Ceiling: 25 wins, figuring out that the team has three legit NBA starters in Rubio, Love and Derrick Williams, being poised to add the piece that makes them a playoff contender in the offseason

(Of course the downside is that Love doesn't want to play here, signs a one-year tender and bolts as a free agent the following year, then all bets are off)

Long-term prognosis: Until they get a guard who seems suited to take (and make) big shots in key spots, all I can see is an entertaining team that's a fringe playoff contender.  No doubt a huge upgrade from where they were, but it doesn't appear to be on the roster yet.


Wild
Where we are: Still one of the more boring and low-scoring franchises in the league.  Showed some signs of life early in the year, but after a series of excellent breaks, things have regressed to the mean in a big way, the bleeding needs to be stopped pronto to have any chance of a playoff berth.

2012 Ceiling: 10th in the Western Conference, just where they appeared to be headed when the season began.

Long-term prognosis: Perhaps it's just that the hype of the World Juniors tourney hasn't yet faded away, but there seems to be a lot to be excited about here.  Prospects like Mikael Granlund and Jason Zucker could be ready to contribute in a year or two, and the impressive collection of young players makes the idea of a big trade seem possible.  Not to mention, some huge names could be hitting the free agent market this offseason, and unlike the NBA, a few might actually consider signing in Minnesota, particularly if they look to be headed in the right direction.

So in a nutshell on both teams, enthusiasm as always, and as always, it's tempered.

Time to get myself outside :)

In search of playoff perfection

Time to take a break from wallowing in our misery to stop and enjoy the only good thing about the ending to the NFL season: The Playoffs.

It’s been a long time since any Minnesota team found itself involved in a playoff game (October 7, 2010 to be exact), longer still since the local NFL squad factored in (January 24th, 2009) and another week beyond that since any of the four teams in town enjoyed a playoff win. I plan on marking the two-year anniversary of said victory this January 17th by standing on a street corner and having bags of excrement hurled at me.  Figure I might as well literally enact what these teams have been doing figuratively during that period. If you’d like to participate, send an email to loservillepoofling@gmail.com. You do either have to supply your own poo, or buy me a few cans of Hormel chili before the 10th, need adequate time to prep.

But like I've said, the next couple of weeks are a vacation from those bothersome thoughts, as we're reminded that competent teams do exist, and get to enjoy their excellence vicariously. Sure it’s nowhere hear the same with the hometown team absent, but it’s still a display of great football (with the inevitable couple of clunkers thrown into the mix).

Several years ago, Bill Simmons, the Godfather of inane sports ramblings and a personal hero, published the NFL Playoff Gambling Manifesto. A good read if you’ve never had the pleaasure, it focuses on the basic tenets that should be adhered to in the hopes of accomplishing the improbable: Running the table by going 11-0 against the spread in playoff games.

To my knowledge, this has never been done, due to the fact that betting on football is really, really hard. If it wasn’t, Vegas wouldn’t have casinos and bookies wouldn’t drive Cadillacs. Even though I’ve lost the vast majority of football bets I’ve ever placed in my life, I’m glad it does and glad they do. A thing must be difficult in order to be worth doing, ask anyone who’s ever beaten a video game that they just forked over $50 for in 6 hours.

All in all, it’s been a mediocre NFL season for me. Placed a couple of bets, split em. Finished 4th in the family football pool, but did manage to climb out of the cellar after a brutal start. Made two fantasy football championship games, lost both. And of course there were the Vikings. The impending Packers Super Bowl victory would definitely tip the scales into negative territory. But if I can pull off the playoff perfecto, that would trump all of it, and the journey starts today!

Of course it could very well die tomorrow, just as it did last season, when the biggest can’t-miss, lead-pipe cinch in history went up in smoke.  Or down in flames, I always get them confused. New Orleans vs. Seattle should’ve been as one-sided as Drunken Me vs. 2 AM Plate of Breakfast, but again, that’s why this stuff is hard. Last year, nobody at the bar was even rooting for the Saints, but after Marshawn Lynch broke 73 tackles to ice the thing, we all kind of sat around staring at each other blankly, half-dazed. So Seattle is going to Chicago? Wait, what?

This week’s slate looks even more daunting, featuring a showdown of rookie QBs, a matchup of Good (Tebow) vs. Evil (Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback) and two teams (Falcons and Giants) who make Kanye West's Twitter account seem mundane and predictable. It’s going to be tough, but that’s what we’re in business for.

But first, a quick look back at how I did with the thoughts way back in September

AFC West
San Diego (10-6)
Kansas City (8-8)
Denver (7-9)
Oakland (4-12)

To quote Dan Patrick, “the whiff”. Turn that puppy upside down and you might have something, but I make no apologies for being completely wrong on maybe the craziest division in history. If you’d have told me by the end of the year that Tim Tebow would have Denver in the playoffs, Carson Palmer would be quarterbacking Oakland and Norv Turner would miss the playoffs, yet STILL manage to keep his job?

Well, I would’ve asked you to pass it my way.

AFC South
Houston (9-7)
Indianapolis (8-8)
Tennessee (6-10)
Jacksonville (4-12)

See, now if they’d take my advice, and started Orlovsky from the get-go, things might’ve worked out different.

Nobody told me Peyton Manning was a player-coach, I didn’t think that was allowed. Also would’ve had Tennessee pegged better if I’d known Manning was going to be out all year. Then again, if I’d known a guy named T.J. Yates would be running the show for Houston over the last third of the season, I might’ve picked the Colts to win the division. Let’s just move on.

AFC North
Pittsburgh (12-4)
Baltimore (10-6)
Cleveland (7-9)
Cincinnati (4-12)

Would you buy that the Cleveland and Cincy records got juxtaposed when the blog went to the printer?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Once again, the Steelers continue their tradition of not doing what I called them to do, but at least they were in the ballpark. I did not see Andy Dalton coming, now I’m forced to pondering (there it is again!) the question of whether the Vikings rookie QB could’ve led the Bengals to the playoffs, had the roles been reversed. Leaning no at the moment.

AFC East
New England (12-4)
New York Jets (9-7)
Buffalo (7-9)
Miami (6-10)

Dammit Jets, things were breaking exactly how they were supposed to: Sneak into the playoffs on the last day of the season, pull out crazy defensive gameplans for playoff upsets, beat the Packers in the Super Bowl and make me look like an f’n genius! Instead, you rolled over against Miami last week, after everything had fallen your way.

Chance after squandered chance, yet you still could’ve just pulled that game out and gotten yet another shot that you didn’t deserve. You know, exactly the way you’ve been doing things for the last two years now? I already hated you, but now I hate you more, would get a Rex Ryan voodoo doll if enough fabric existed to fulfill such a request.

NFC West
St. Louis (9-7)
San Francisco (7-9)
Arizona (7-9)
Seattle (5-11)

The “Sam Bradford Tricked Me Into Thinking He Was Good” support group membership is almost as as wide and varied as the “I Dropped A Pass From Sam Bradford This Season” group.

This was my line for Arizona when likening each team to a movie:

“Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” – You chose…poorly. Should’ve traded for Orton and saved the $40 million bucks.

And I stand by it!

NFC South
New Orleans (12-4)
Atlanta (10-6)
Tampa Bay (9-7)
Carolina (4-12)

Already working on the screenplay for a “Trading Places” remake starring Josh Freeman and Cam Newton.  If I'm lucky, they'll pull the same thing next year, with Newton regressing and Freeman regaining his form.  Franchises, that's where the real Hollywood money is.

Poor Bucs fans, maybe the worst thing is sports is going from being a fan of the up-and-coming team that turns out to be the “holy sh*t, we suck, what happened?!?!?!” team.

Well, the worst thing not involving the Vikings and the NFC Championship game at least.

NFC North
Green Bay (11-5)
Detroit (8-8)
Minnesota (7-9)
Chicago (7-9)

I’m always terrible with this division. I likened the Vikings to either “Die Hard With A Vengeance” or “Major League 3”, but the whole thing should’ve been “A Few Good Men”, because I can’t handle the truth of what’s going on in the NFC North these days. Was right on Chicago taking a step back, but only because they were forced to consider starting a hot dog vendor at QB, can’t crow too much about that.

NFC East
Philadelphia (11-5)
Dallas (9-7)
New York Giants (7-9)
Washington (7-9)

Philadelphia, meet St. Louis, and a very perplexed public; now both of you leave, you bother me.

I love this Giants team for some reason, and am rooting for them to win it all.  It's not just their delighfully pschizophrenic season, or excellent uniforms, or the fact that their winning would royally piss off the Jets, or the possibility of a legtimate "Who was the better Manning brother?" debate 5 years from now if Eli wins a second title and duplicates this season's performance for a few more years.

Oh wait, yeah it is, all that stuff is why I love em, Go Giants!

AFC Wild Card – New York Jets over San Diego, Baltimore over Houston
NFC Wild Card – Philadelphia over Dallas, Atlanta over St. Louis

AFC Divisional – New York Jets over New England, Pittsburgh over Baltimore
NFC Divisional – New Orleans over Atlanta, Green Bay over Philadelphia

AFC Championship – New York Jets over Pittsburgh
NFC Championship – Green Bay over New Orleans

Super Bowl – New York Jets over Green Bay

Only 7 of 12 playoff teams, Super Bowl champ already gone, not my best work, I must say.  But the fun of all this is that when I look around at the predictions from folks who get paid to do this for a living, most are pretty similar.  That's why it's the best league on the planet!

On to this week's games:

Cincinnatti @ Houston (-3.5)
In a week of tough games to handicap, this one might be the toughest.  Pretty much what you'd expect with two rookie QBs in their first playoff starts.  In fact, I've had such a hard time making a pick, I've decided to employ my sister's mascot system to break the tie.

On the surface, it seems like a Bengal would have no problem dispatching a Texan, but you have to consider the likelihood of a random Texan being armed.  Given what we know about Texas, that's probably a certainty, did you see this story about the 8th grader who was shot and killed for brandishing a pellet gun in his school?  I'm not passing any judgements here, just saying that Texans are pretty much the poster children for not f*cking around.  Even a tiger would be wise to give these people a wide berth, and that makes the choice less clear.  In the end, I'm going with gut instinct, and choosing the first-string QB over the third.

The pick: Bengals 20, Texans 17 (That's right, not just a cover, an outright win, and I'll throw in a missed Neil Rackers tying-FG as time expires to boot)

Detroit @ New Orleans (-10.5)
All of the people complaining about lack of defense in the bowl games this week had better find something else to do with their Saturday night, because this one could break the scoreboard.  A staggering 59-point Over/Under, which I believe is the largest in playoff history, tells us if you're leaving the room for any reason, do so on commercial, or pause the DVR, because you're going to miss someting.  Heck, you might want to do the same even if you're just glancing at your watch.

Detroit is plucky, they have the best receiver in football and we all remember what happened the last time the Saints were predicted to roll in a playoff game.  Most troubling is that extra half point, sitting there begging for an empty-netter TD to cover in the final minute.  Then again, did you watch Detroit's defense last week?  If Drew Brees doesn't throw at least 5 TDs, he should be traded to Green Bay immediately for Matt Flynn straight up.

The pick: New Orleans 45, Detroit 32

Atlanta @ New York Giants (-3)
Handing either of these teams your gambling money to protect is like leaving your dog unsupervised while a steak marinates on the counter.  You might come out okay, but you can't really be surprised if you come back to find a shattered dish on the floor and steak nowhere to be found.  Frankly, you can't even be pissed at the bastard, even when he regurgitates on the carpeting later that evening, you should've know better, schmuck.

I don't know if we'll get the Giants who came to play, or the Giants who got killed by Washington two weeks ago.  I don't know if we'll get the Matt Ryan who throws darts all over the field, or the Matt Ryan who appears to be seeing 20-foot receivers like he's on LSD.  But I like the home team, and think if they play their best game, it's better than the Falcons.

The pick: New York Giants 30, Atlanta 23

Pittsburgh (-8.5) @ Denver
I'm really trying to not let all the news this week talk me out of the Steelers covering, but it's getting tough.  Rashard Mendenhall has a torn ACL, no big deal, they're a pass-first team these days.  Ben Roethlisberger tweaked his ankle against Cleveland, no big deal, he's one of the toughest hombres on the planet.  Ryan Clark can't play in Denver beacuse his heart might explode, no big deal, who needs DBs when you're playing a guy who can't pass?

Truth be told, I waffled a bit.  Not really on the game, but somewhat on the spread.  When you get down to it, this game is about two questions:

How much can the Denver offense score?
Do you want to play the odds on a defensive or special teams TD?

My answer to the first question is 10-13 points, and considering that the Broncos scored 5 combined defensive and special teams TDs on the year, the second answer is probably not.  It's going to take some bizzare stuff for Denver to cover, and some outlandish things for them to win.  But on the other hand, they do specialize in the outlandish, so you can't count that out.

The pick: Pittsburgh 23, Denver 13

2012 State of the 'Ville: Minnesota Vikings

“If you're going through hell, keep going” - Winston Churchill, discussing the 2011 Minnesota sports scene

Happy New Year friends, or more appropriately, it’s a new year, happily.

2011 had some great moments that will always be remembered. People got married, engaged, had children, achieved goals, reached milestones and generally accomplished all manner of admirable feats in the parts of life that truly count. For everything you’ve done, and everything you’re happy about, I offer a tip of the cap, and my sincerest hope for success in all future endeavors.

Unfortunately this blog is about Minnesota sports, and by all measures in that department, things remain pretty shitty.  At the beginning of 2011, we had a baseball team that couldn't make it past the first round of the playoffs, a football team that had declined faster than Tara Reid in the late-90s, basketball and hockey teams working on multi-year playoff droughts and a university who's revenue sports probably thought "postseason" was a brand of cereal.

Nowadays, times have changed.  I don't mean that in the traditional sense, as in facing a significantly different set of circumstances, just that times have literally changed.  It's 2012 now.

Where was I going with this?

Ahh yes, hope, capital H-O-P-E, which springs eternal and is never stronger than the third day of a new year.  The hangover from the New Year's party has finally worn off and you’re once again able to perceive more than general outlines of objects.  People have been fired, players drafted, free agents signed, it's a brave new world...just not one in which you'd notice much difference.

But certainly some things have gotten better, and in the case of those that haven't, at least several people have been fired, which is really the next best thing.  I bring to you a message of hope which, although not always conveyed in my writing, is nonetheless felt deeply in my heart. We may not get to the mountaintop in 2012, but I’m fairly certain we can make it out of last place!

Unfortunately, before we can ring in the limitless potential of the new calendar year, we first need to do the postmortem on the old.  The State of the 'Ville as it were, an annual tradition being broken up into five segments over the next week: Vikings, Wolves, Wild, Twins and U of M.

None of these stories are particularly happy ones as yet, but we can’t consider where we’re going without acknowledging where we’ve been. And that, in a word, is down. So there’s really nothing to do but pump it up, or find a new hobby.

Let's start with the saddest state of affairs.


The 2011 Minnesota Vikings: Just disappointment, hold the heartbreak
Moving into 2012, I am thankful that my enjoyment of the NFL as a league grows less dependent on the Minnesota Vikings with each passing year. I will always watch and never stop hoping, but it’s just too good a league to let your enjoyment of the whole hinge on the actions of one franchise.

Particularly one with the questionable decision-making history of this one.

Rick Spielman’s promotion to GM is the most recent chapter in the “Right Idea, Wrong Execution” saga of the Purple.  You're familiar with this, it's where the team finally does what it should've done a couple seasons earlier, only now with the worst possible timing imaginable.

Take the Brad Childress hire, when a new set of owners took over from the prior skinflint and immediately decided to shell out big time money for the hotshot coordinator on the market.  The only problem was, the new guy was worse than the old guy, who had actually achieved pretty impressive success, given his budget.  Call Mike Tice a buffoon if you'd like, but that buffoon finished .500 or better in each of his last three seasons and beat Green Bay in the playoffs with a roster of spare parts.  Who knows, if not for Fred Smoot and the Loveboat, maybe he sticks around and gets the benefit of the deep pockets that propped Chilly up for four years.

For a more recent example, how about the selection Christian Ponder in last year's draft?  The team finally throws a high draft pick at a franchise QB, which fans had been clamoring for ever since they learned how to pronounce "Tarvaris".  Only problem is, it's about three years to late to make any difference.  So you get what they got, a poor rookie, forced to run for his life behind a washed-up offensive line that at times could've been booked for assault on a good day and attempted murder on a bad.

(Please note that this is not a write-off of Ponder, which would be hugely premature.  Plenty of good NFL QBs have looked as bad or worse as rookies. The point is, any way you slice it, drafting him was a poorly timed move. The day after they made the horrendous reach to grab him with the 12th pick in the 1st round, I wrote about my concerns, and the implications for the long-term future of the franchise. Eight months and ten games later, I stand by every word.  It just didn’t make sense, given where the team was at. Chances were, they would end up with what they got, a banged up rookie who got worse as the season wore on.)

Success in sports is a combination of talent and timing; unfortunately if it weren’t for bad timing, the Vikings would have none at all.  Poor timing explains how you find yourself outbidding your biggest rival for a coach during the same offseason they hire the one that leads them to a championship. It’s how you find yourself with a questionable rookie QB you reached for in the 1st round, when entering a draft with the 3rd overall pick and potential franchise talents on the board.

Some of that bad timing can be chalked up to moves that looked good on paper, but didn’t work out for various reasons (Childress), and some to knee-jerk reactions that came a few years too late (Ponder).  Sadly, for us fans, it doesn’t matter what led up to the mistake, just that it was made.  And when you make enough of them, it amounts to 3-13, with little chance of a quick turnaround.

Which brings us back to Spielman, the first true Vikings GM in a very long time. Many fans have felt for years that the Vikings needed a clearer power structure, but it’s doubtful that this is what they had in mind. It’s nothing personal; in fact it’s impossible to know exactly how much influence he wielded in the team’s convoluted power structure. But being so prominently involved with a team that's been going the wrong direction for a few years now, makes this move feel like asking the drunk guy in the passenger seat who just puked out the window to slide over and take the wheel.

Most Vikings fans were probably hoping that this was some kind of reward for being the voice of dissention on years of bad personnel moves.  That this guy was the one guy saying "bad idea", when bring Brett Favre back or drafting Ponder was on the table.  That would at least make sense in Costanza-like fashion, when you're making all the wrong moves, go with the guy who wanted to do the opposite!

Unfortunately, today’s press conference made it very clear that was not the case, and we're sticking with the status quo: Spielman was on board with the major moves, Fraizer is the coach, Ponder is the QB, things move forward on that basis.  Understanding that it won't work to have heads rolling every year, how does it makes sense to go 180 degrees in the other direction and offer a member of the current brain trust a promotion?  This perplexes me more than people who shop on Black Friday.

Among fans, the most ringing endorsements today have been along the lines of “well, at least now we’ll know who’s to blame when things go poorly”.  That inspires about as much confidence as “I’m not ready to write Ponder off until I see him play behind a decent offensive line”.  A hint of positivity remains, but just a hint.  For further hints, you can cherry-pick the successes of a Spielman-led front office in drafting some exceptional (if almost exclusively 1st-round) talents.  But taking a look at the current roster makes it very clear that that the successes further down the draftboard were pretty much nonexistent.

It does of course have to be admitted that some of the current state of affairs is cyclical, and not everything can be blamed on those currently in charge.  It’s just the natural ebb and flow of sports that every decade or so, a down year comes along. The team bottoms out, rebuilds, makes it’s run, gets older and more expensive, before you know it, you’re back to square one.

The sell-out to win it all with Favre is part of what put us here, and it’s really no different than the 5-11 record of 2001 that marked the end of the Vertical Vikes era, or the down years of the early-90s that ushered in Dennis Green. But between each of those troughs were also periods of great success, strings of playoff appearances, and even a couple legitimately great teams. While this franchise has at times been inept, it has never seemed hopelessly so. My favorite cliché about the NFL is that it stands for Not For Long, regardless of where you find yourself currently, don’t get too used to it.

But with all that said, this is literally as bad as things have ever been, and if the current regime screws up this pivotal offseason, they could remain that way for some time.  I’d like to think that things can be turned on a dime, and the Vikes will be back to blowing conference championships before we know it, but today's developments aren't very reassuring.

Where we are: Rock f*cking bottom.

2012 Ceiling:
They don't blow the draft, Ponder stays alive and they show reasonable improvement (5-6 wins) against a weak schedule - 50% chance.

They blow the draft, Ponder takes more hits than Sam Hurd's address book and our favorite football team descends into a state of Lionesque football purgatory for the next half-decade - 50% chance.

Long-term prognosis: Superbowl homeboy!!!

Because if you don't have faith, Vikings football just isn't for you.