Well, it appears that my quest to become a paid fantasy football writer has fallen short, and that is rather disappointing. Fortunately, that disappointment is blunted by the fact that this is the official first day of a new football season.
There is nothing like the first day of football season.
Even though the temperature is going to top out in the mid-90s, and most folks are looking forward to one last extended weekend at their lake cabins, today still marks the true beginning of autumn. For the first time in what seems like forever, we get watch football games that count, thank whatever lord it is that you believe in. Each weekend for the next twenty or so promises more of the same; a blissful thought after spending the last three months bobbing along with only a terrible baseball team and the occasional golf tournament as distractions.
I read a very interesting piece of writing yesterday entitled “Football is Dead. Long live Football.” by J.R. Moehringer for ESPN The Magazine. Not only is it the first interesting thing that I’ve ever read in ESPN The Magazine, parts of it were tough to take for your average football fan. It’s a bit lengthy, there’s no disputing that, but it is one of the few things I’ve read that highlights the good and bad of the sport equally, a difficult task for any subject that enflames such passion.
It’s been tough to enjoy being a football fan at times these last few years, and not because of anything that’s happened on the field. The stories of mental and physical ruin brought on by this game should leave even the biggest diehard wondering what we can do to better protect those who play the game. The problem, as with most things, are the extreme attitudes of some people. The “Ban Football” argument is as useless as the people who shrug off brain damaged players by saying “they knew the risks”; neither attitude is going to get us to a sustainable place with this, or any other contact sport.
Of course the comeback is to ask why bother sustaining these games at the cost of people’s health? The reply is that while they aren’t required for a functional society, the collections of behaviors they teach are things we can't afford to lose. Teamwork, sacrifice, courage, overcoming adversity, where are these learned more often than the athletic field? Take away any setting in which a kid risks injury, you also take exercise, friendship and a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves. I know it isn’t worth the price paid by some. I can’t honestly say if I’ll feel it’s worth the price I will eventually pay, when the arthritis finally shows up in my surgically-repaired knee. But I have a feeling it will be, and know there are millions more who already know that for sure.
Toward the end of Mr. Moehringer’s 120 points on football, there are several that connected with my own experiences playing the game as a kid, in particular these two:
101. I remember, when the silver dried, putting on the helmet, looking at the world through the steel face mask, feeling powerful.
102. I'd never before felt powerful.
Growing up, I was also always the biggest kid in the neighborhood, which wasn’t the most fun. Awkward on skates, couldn’t run fast, I could hit a baseball (not a complete spaz here), but the early years of hockey and soccer were not what I was cut out to do. Stepping onto a football field was a revelation, the first time I felt at ease in my own skin. I was no great athlete, never got to wow anyone with bullet throws or acrobatic catches, but every time my hand went into the grass, I was in my element.
Because the guy making the block mattered as much as the guy running the ball. You were part of a unit that rose and fell together. There was nothing greater than knowing something good just happened because you and 10 other guys did their jobs to perfection.
This feeling isn’t unique to the game of football, but it is the place I’ve felt it most strongly in my life. That probably explains why I can sit down, anytime, anyplace, and enjoy two teams squaring off. Many of my friends feel the same way about hockey, but the sport being discussed is immaterial, the sentiment is always the same. It’s the feeling of team, and at the risk of sounding like someone’s grizzled grandfather, it seems like something today’s kids could use more of.
So tonight, as I sit down to watch the Minnesota Golden Gophers, in all their typically inept (and occasionally infuriating) glory, I am going to savor the beginnings of another football season. It seems almost useless to try and prognosticate how the maroon-and-gold will do this year, every season lately has been more confusing than the last. The schedule looks soft, you begin to talk yourself into the possibility of “a strong start, then who knows?”, only to be slammed back to Earth by a drubbing at the hands of one of the supposed creampuffs.
This year we’re once again talking baby steps. We’re talking about the first Jerry Kill recruiting class, about a senior QB maybe reaching his potential, about beating the teams a member of the Big Ten should beat. Most importantly, we’re talking football again, and that feels pretty damn good.
There's one other item from the ESPN piece that I thought was fantastic, a quote from linebacker Takeo Spikes:
"You can lock me up in solitary confinement for a couple of years, never tell me the date, never tell me the month, anything, and I could tell you what month it is, and I could tell you when it's football season, that's how much it's been embedded in me."
Couldn't have said it better myself, ditto.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Fingers crossed
One of my favorite websites, Grantland, is having an essay contest to select their fantasy football writer, and I decided to take a crack at it. Staying within the 750-word limit was the hardest part, as a friend of mine told me, "you take 750 words to clear your throat".
Here's my submission, wish me luck:
Like most people, I initially got into fantasy sports to meet chicks. Results on that front have been mixed so far.
If I play in your fantasy league, I will not win. I will craft a juggernaut that storms its way through the regular season, only to see my hopes dashed when some glorified practice squadder channels Barry Sanders in Week 16. You probably don’t want to hear about my bad fantasy beats. I’m not interested in hearing about your kids either. Yet I feign interest, because I’m polite.
Fortunately, I’m well versed in coming up short, due to both my history as a Vikings fan and my belief that one should always strive to finish in the bottom-third of the upper-third of any endeavor. You can’t appear dispensable when it’s time to trim the fat, but also need to avoid being considered overly dependable. That will only get you extra work with no incremental payoff.
Since the edict was to make this interesting, I’m going with value picks that you might be able to actually get on the same team. Slap me, stab me, shoot me, just don’t bore me by offering up some variation of Foster, Rice, McCoy, Rodgers and Megatron at your top five. If you want that kind of cutting insight, locate a gas station and buy a magazine.
1. Chris Johnson – Tennessee
Foster, Rice, McCoy.
Young, productive, no holdout or injury concerns, just what you look for with a top pick. But given the higher cost to get one of them, and a gut feeling that we’re overdue for an off year or two, there’s a lot to love about a Chris Johnson resurgence. The fact he appears to be trying again is a nice place to start.
With an inexperienced QB, and the inevitable Week 2 injury to Kenny Britt, the Titans should lean on a solid defense and running game to carry them. There’s nothing about this team that looks glaringly worse than the 2009 version, and all Johnson did that year was finish with the highest running back point total since LaDanian Tomlinson went Tecmo Bowl on things in 2006. I’ll roll the dice on history repeating.
2. Steven Jackson – St. Louis
If he could just get in the end zone, he’d be Top 5 every year.
When that’s your main argument for a guy who plays for the league’s worst-scoring team, it’s dicey. Fortunately, there’s literally nowhere for the Rams to go but up. Jeff Fisher’s mustache alone should add at least 9-10 touchdowns, similar to what Mike Holmgren’s mustache did in Seattle. If Jackson can snag 5 of those, he’ll not only be a good value, but paired with Johnson would give a team the most impressive collection of dreadlocks this side of the 2007 Green Bay Packers secondary.
3. Matt Ryan – QB – Atlanta
Anyone else getting déjà vu from all this buzz about Matt Ryan making the leap to elite fantasy QB? The price keeps getting steeper, and we may be entering fool-me-twice-shame-on-me territory, but what is fantasy football without at least one mistake being repeated? Anyone picking Darren McFadden in the first round knows this feeling well.
4. Brandon Marshall – WR – Chicago
Crazy is as crazy does, and nobody in the NFL does crazy quite like this. Does the huge upside outweigh the total unpredictability here? If it didn’t, teams wouldn’t keep trading for him. Best case: 120 catches and 15 TDs. Worst case: A week 3 Sportscenter story opening with the words “Brandon Marshall was arrested in a Chicago nightclub early Monday morning”. Either way, it’ll be fun.
5. Brandon Lloyd – WR – New England
#1 Patriots wide receiver. Ranked as low as 15th in the league some places. Nuff said.
Sleeper – Jermaine Gresham – TE – Cincinnati
A tight end who had 600 yds and 6 TDs in his second year is only a “sleeper” if you expect a whole lot in year three. A modest increase to 800 yds and 8 TDs would put him in Top 5 range. I think there's more and he’s ranked around 12th. The QB looks legit, divisional defenses look ready to take a step back, buying low on the next breakout TE.
Should I be selected, I will come up with a creative way to get fired from my job, in order to fully devote myself to the position. Nothing illegal, or that will screw up the severance, just bizarre enough to make them ask me to stop coming here every day.
Here's my submission, wish me luck:
Like most people, I initially got into fantasy sports to meet chicks. Results on that front have been mixed so far.
If I play in your fantasy league, I will not win. I will craft a juggernaut that storms its way through the regular season, only to see my hopes dashed when some glorified practice squadder channels Barry Sanders in Week 16. You probably don’t want to hear about my bad fantasy beats. I’m not interested in hearing about your kids either. Yet I feign interest, because I’m polite.
Fortunately, I’m well versed in coming up short, due to both my history as a Vikings fan and my belief that one should always strive to finish in the bottom-third of the upper-third of any endeavor. You can’t appear dispensable when it’s time to trim the fat, but also need to avoid being considered overly dependable. That will only get you extra work with no incremental payoff.
Since the edict was to make this interesting, I’m going with value picks that you might be able to actually get on the same team. Slap me, stab me, shoot me, just don’t bore me by offering up some variation of Foster, Rice, McCoy, Rodgers and Megatron at your top five. If you want that kind of cutting insight, locate a gas station and buy a magazine.
1. Chris Johnson – Tennessee
Foster, Rice, McCoy.
Young, productive, no holdout or injury concerns, just what you look for with a top pick. But given the higher cost to get one of them, and a gut feeling that we’re overdue for an off year or two, there’s a lot to love about a Chris Johnson resurgence. The fact he appears to be trying again is a nice place to start.
With an inexperienced QB, and the inevitable Week 2 injury to Kenny Britt, the Titans should lean on a solid defense and running game to carry them. There’s nothing about this team that looks glaringly worse than the 2009 version, and all Johnson did that year was finish with the highest running back point total since LaDanian Tomlinson went Tecmo Bowl on things in 2006. I’ll roll the dice on history repeating.
2. Steven Jackson – St. Louis
If he could just get in the end zone, he’d be Top 5 every year.
When that’s your main argument for a guy who plays for the league’s worst-scoring team, it’s dicey. Fortunately, there’s literally nowhere for the Rams to go but up. Jeff Fisher’s mustache alone should add at least 9-10 touchdowns, similar to what Mike Holmgren’s mustache did in Seattle. If Jackson can snag 5 of those, he’ll not only be a good value, but paired with Johnson would give a team the most impressive collection of dreadlocks this side of the 2007 Green Bay Packers secondary.
3. Matt Ryan – QB – Atlanta
Anyone else getting déjà vu from all this buzz about Matt Ryan making the leap to elite fantasy QB? The price keeps getting steeper, and we may be entering fool-me-twice-shame-on-me territory, but what is fantasy football without at least one mistake being repeated? Anyone picking Darren McFadden in the first round knows this feeling well.
4. Brandon Marshall – WR – Chicago
Crazy is as crazy does, and nobody in the NFL does crazy quite like this. Does the huge upside outweigh the total unpredictability here? If it didn’t, teams wouldn’t keep trading for him. Best case: 120 catches and 15 TDs. Worst case: A week 3 Sportscenter story opening with the words “Brandon Marshall was arrested in a Chicago nightclub early Monday morning”. Either way, it’ll be fun.
5. Brandon Lloyd – WR – New England
#1 Patriots wide receiver. Ranked as low as 15th in the league some places. Nuff said.
Sleeper – Jermaine Gresham – TE – Cincinnati
A tight end who had 600 yds and 6 TDs in his second year is only a “sleeper” if you expect a whole lot in year three. A modest increase to 800 yds and 8 TDs would put him in Top 5 range. I think there's more and he’s ranked around 12th. The QB looks legit, divisional defenses look ready to take a step back, buying low on the next breakout TE.
Should I be selected, I will come up with a creative way to get fired from my job, in order to fully devote myself to the position. Nothing illegal, or that will screw up the severance, just bizarre enough to make them ask me to stop coming here every day.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Your guess is as good as mine
First off, time to set the mood with this.
Then, perhaps a bit of this.
Alright, now that we’re in the right frame of mind, ARE YOU READY FOR ANOTHER HIGH-FLYING, SPINE-TINGLING, GUT-WRENCHING (AND ULTIMATELY FRUITLESS) SEASON OF VIKINGS FOOTBALL!!!
Sure, there are still three weeks to go before a game that counts is played, and the exhibition season should be taken with a full shaker of salt. But tonight the 2012 Purple hit the field for the first time in a game setting, and I couldn’t be more excited. The wins and losses may not count, but if the starting QB gets wheeled off on a stretcher, then you can’t say it wasn’t a pivotal moment in your team’s season! All these mile markers on the way to our destination: The start of training camp, the first episode of Hard Knocks, the first preseason game, perhaps a fantasy draft or two. Unfortunately, you can’t make the car travel any faster, the best you can hope for is making it there in one piece.
I don’t know about you, but it's been a weird year. The combination of trying to block out Olympic coverage and training camp in the age of Twitter have conspired to make me a tad overstimulated. Newspaper and radio offered more than enough snap judgments on player performance to tide me over day-to-day, the live tweeting of practices was almost two much to handle. Forty-eight hours ago I was thisclose to ordering an Emmanuel Arceneaux jersey. If you just said to yourself “Who?”, you’ve proven my point. If you didn’t, you’re either a CFL fan or also might need a break to decompress.
Am I better informed because of all this information? Not in the slightest.
The only thing that can be said with any certainty about the 2012 edition of the Minnesota Vikings is that expectations are as low as they've been in my lifetime. The are some important issues to be determined, and we hope to learn more about a lot of players, but it's not a team you're going to be sitting around years after wondering "what if?" about.
This is a club sandwich of a football team, not going to cause a lot of excitement, but very difficult to screw it up enough to wreck your day. When losing big games in heartbreaking fashion is the best lore a franchise has to offer, having nothing at stake can be liberating. There are always a few deluded souls thinking playoff contention, (and in the topsy-turvy NFL, stranger things have happened) but most of us will be happy with proof of life a few areas. Forget the Mars rover, you want to talk about venturing into the great unknown, look no further. One of the beat writers made a joke the other day that is was like the groundskeeper scene in Major League, who are these guys?
This season everything is all upside. Our draft class might look great! The young defensive players might step up!! Our best player might look fully recovered from knee surgery!!! We might finally find a franchise QB!!!! And if not? Well I never really liked most of those guys anyway, cut em and find some better ones.
That’s the beauty of the NFL when you’re losing, everything is Not For Long. Well, unless of course the newly crowned GM is truly as incompetent as some believe and the owners were just waiting to get a shovel in the ground on a new stadium before drastically reducing their financial commitment to the team, then you’re f*cked. But we’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
In the meantime, I think this team needs a slogan to define their personality and prospects for the upcoming season. Similar to the Twins using their “Get To Know Em” and “Go To See Em” ad campaigns in the early-2000s to introduce a set of unknown players, then exhort fans to come out to the park once they started winning, what defines the Vikings these days?
A few ideas:
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Nowhere to go but up! (If not in the standings, then at least in the draft)
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Anything’s possible…right?
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Thank goodness most of you are drinking.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: We might be Brett Favre’s last team.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Our quarterback once had a good game in college!
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Now featuring many players not coached by Brad Childress.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Highly unlikely to end heartbreak!
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Better than a sharp stick in the eye.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Purple pride meets purple pants.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Still not as sad as the Timberwolves.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Allen, Peterson, Harvin, Winfield and 18 other guys.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: You could be a Browns fan.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: You could be a Jaguars fan.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Seriously, you could be a Browns fan.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Your father indoctrinated you into this cult of pathetic losers at birth, now you’re stuck with us for the rest of your life, so you’ll take what we give you and like it.
Alright, so that last one is more of a personal reflection, and wouldn’t fit on a bumper sticker anyway. Sometimes we lash out at the ones we love when the disappoint us, even though we know they’re trying hard to meet expectations.
Because people love their Vikings, even though they’ve collected as many Super Bowl trophies as you have on your mantle at home. The fans from across the river (and across the league) may mock and ridicule us, but it’s a point of pride to keep hanging in year after year, even in those years where you aren’t expecting much. Loserville wouldn’t be Loserville without its most epic set of losers.
Anyway, we've done 50 of these things that didn't end in a Super Bowl win, one more isn't gonna kill us.
And with that ringing endorsement, SKOL!
Then, perhaps a bit of this.
Alright, now that we’re in the right frame of mind, ARE YOU READY FOR ANOTHER HIGH-FLYING, SPINE-TINGLING, GUT-WRENCHING (AND ULTIMATELY FRUITLESS) SEASON OF VIKINGS FOOTBALL!!!
Sure, there are still three weeks to go before a game that counts is played, and the exhibition season should be taken with a full shaker of salt. But tonight the 2012 Purple hit the field for the first time in a game setting, and I couldn’t be more excited. The wins and losses may not count, but if the starting QB gets wheeled off on a stretcher, then you can’t say it wasn’t a pivotal moment in your team’s season! All these mile markers on the way to our destination: The start of training camp, the first episode of Hard Knocks, the first preseason game, perhaps a fantasy draft or two. Unfortunately, you can’t make the car travel any faster, the best you can hope for is making it there in one piece.
I don’t know about you, but it's been a weird year. The combination of trying to block out Olympic coverage and training camp in the age of Twitter have conspired to make me a tad overstimulated. Newspaper and radio offered more than enough snap judgments on player performance to tide me over day-to-day, the live tweeting of practices was almost two much to handle. Forty-eight hours ago I was thisclose to ordering an Emmanuel Arceneaux jersey. If you just said to yourself “Who?”, you’ve proven my point. If you didn’t, you’re either a CFL fan or also might need a break to decompress.
Am I better informed because of all this information? Not in the slightest.
The only thing that can be said with any certainty about the 2012 edition of the Minnesota Vikings is that expectations are as low as they've been in my lifetime. The are some important issues to be determined, and we hope to learn more about a lot of players, but it's not a team you're going to be sitting around years after wondering "what if?" about.
This is a club sandwich of a football team, not going to cause a lot of excitement, but very difficult to screw it up enough to wreck your day. When losing big games in heartbreaking fashion is the best lore a franchise has to offer, having nothing at stake can be liberating. There are always a few deluded souls thinking playoff contention, (and in the topsy-turvy NFL, stranger things have happened) but most of us will be happy with proof of life a few areas. Forget the Mars rover, you want to talk about venturing into the great unknown, look no further. One of the beat writers made a joke the other day that is was like the groundskeeper scene in Major League, who are these guys?
This season everything is all upside. Our draft class might look great! The young defensive players might step up!! Our best player might look fully recovered from knee surgery!!! We might finally find a franchise QB!!!! And if not? Well I never really liked most of those guys anyway, cut em and find some better ones.
That’s the beauty of the NFL when you’re losing, everything is Not For Long. Well, unless of course the newly crowned GM is truly as incompetent as some believe and the owners were just waiting to get a shovel in the ground on a new stadium before drastically reducing their financial commitment to the team, then you’re f*cked. But we’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
In the meantime, I think this team needs a slogan to define their personality and prospects for the upcoming season. Similar to the Twins using their “Get To Know Em” and “Go To See Em” ad campaigns in the early-2000s to introduce a set of unknown players, then exhort fans to come out to the park once they started winning, what defines the Vikings these days?
A few ideas:
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Nowhere to go but up! (If not in the standings, then at least in the draft)
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Anything’s possible…right?
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Thank goodness most of you are drinking.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: We might be Brett Favre’s last team.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Our quarterback once had a good game in college!
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Now featuring many players not coached by Brad Childress.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Highly unlikely to end heartbreak!
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Better than a sharp stick in the eye.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Purple pride meets purple pants.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Still not as sad as the Timberwolves.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Allen, Peterson, Harvin, Winfield and 18 other guys.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: You could be a Browns fan.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: You could be a Jaguars fan.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Seriously, you could be a Browns fan.
2012 Minnesota Vikings: Your father indoctrinated you into this cult of pathetic losers at birth, now you’re stuck with us for the rest of your life, so you’ll take what we give you and like it.
Alright, so that last one is more of a personal reflection, and wouldn’t fit on a bumper sticker anyway. Sometimes we lash out at the ones we love when the disappoint us, even though we know they’re trying hard to meet expectations.
Because people love their Vikings, even though they’ve collected as many Super Bowl trophies as you have on your mantle at home. The fans from across the river (and across the league) may mock and ridicule us, but it’s a point of pride to keep hanging in year after year, even in those years where you aren’t expecting much. Loserville wouldn’t be Loserville without its most epic set of losers.
Anyway, we've done 50 of these things that didn't end in a Super Bowl win, one more isn't gonna kill us.
And with that ringing endorsement, SKOL!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Irritatingly Irrelevant Inanity
So the Olympics are pointless and boring, right? Hearing no objection, I’ll assume you agree, and since that was covered in great detail very recently, there’s no reason to beat a dead horse. But when it comes to over-the-top, in-your-face coverage of news about nothing, the Olympics a bronze medal finisher this week, barely making their way onto the medal stand.
Silver Medal – Tim Tebow
He’s baaaaack! And more ubiquitous than ever. Straight from the pages of the “be careful what you wish for” files, America’s most over-hyped quarterback has now joined forces with America’s most over-hyped football team. I can only imagine Five months ago I celebrated the arrival of Peyton Manning to Denver, and (stupidly, it would appear) assumed we were done with Tebowmania for good.
Now, instead of returning to the relative obscurity of Jacksonville, he’s ended up in New York, with the team that ESPN has inexplicably anointed as more important than the Super Bowl champions (who just happen to share a city with them) and force fed us for the better part of 3 seasons. To put this in perspective, I know people who like Tim Tebow, not many, but a few. Everyone I know without exception detests the New York Jets, and believe me, it’s not because of any time they’ve done them wrong on the actual field of play.
Why didn’t Jacksonville just make a Godfather offer for him? Things could’ve been so nice down south. The locals would’ve welcomed back a favorite son and Jags fans could’ve been give a bit of hope by the only thing (divine intervention) that could potentially elevate their team to relevance this year. And if it worked even a little bit? Boom! Automatic folk hero status. Not to mention, no East Coast media circus constantly churning on every piece of non-news.
Instead, we get even more shots of Tim Tebow with his shirt off, looking like he used his special Christ powers to absorb the 3rd-stringer, more Mark Sanchez looking constipated after missing a receiver, and of course, more of Rex Ryan’s (admittedly smaller) jowls, etc. Full disclosure, I picked the Jets to win it all last season. Not because I liked them, or thought they were the best team, but because this is the NFL, where crazy sh*t happens with regularity. I said they’d go 9-7, squeak into the playoffs, pull off some insane upsets and take the crown. Turns out I had the right read on the town, just the wrong team. The Jets were the team that got the help they needed on the final day of the season for the aforementioned squeak…only to cough up a game they had won in the 4th quarter against a lousy Miami team with nothing to play for.
The lesson? I hold a grudge against them for screwing up what would’ve been an epic prediction. The other lesson? All the talk about Rex Ryan being a great motivator feels like crap when his team goes belly-up 10 minutes from the postseason. Special bonus lesson? Mark Sanchez sucks, which is another reason I’m afraid we’re in for Tebowmania 2: Tim Takes Manhattan, at some point this season.
I have no idea where this is going, but I think it’s some place where I end up losing money and my temper this fall due to the results of several Jets games. Stay tuned.
Gold Medal – The Mars Rover
Have you heard about this thing? Of course you have, BECAUSE IT’S EVERYWHERE!!! Well, not everywhere in the literal sense, in fact it’s just on Mars, blistering across the surface at an average speed of 1 cm/sec. Don’t get me wrong, this bad boy can do a full 5 cm/sec, but due to the uncertain terrain on Mars, it only goes for 10 seconds at a clip, then stops to assess its surrounding for 20 seconds before continuing. Riveting stuff, eh? I learned that in the lobby of a Valvoline Instant Oil Change the other day because I couldn't start slamming my head into the wall to lose consciousness fast enough.
Which, as always, is my point, not the fact that they shot the thing into space, but the fact that they need to make such a big effin deal about it. You know what it’s taught us about Mars so far? It’s red. It’s red and made of rock. Congrats, Mr. Rover, you’re now conveying almost as much information as a filmstrip I watched in 4th grade. They called it Curiosity, but Inanity would’ve been a better choice if you ask me.
Before you come at me with the arguments about “furthering this” and “gaining insight into that”, let me reiterate that I am not against them putting a poor man’s R2D2 on Mars in the hopes it might find something interesting. Just wait to splash it all over every form of media until it finds something interesting! Cancer doctors don’t hold a press conference every day to announce that they haven’t found a way to cure cancer, because they know nobody cares. I’d argue that might be the most important scientific pursuit on the plant, certainly more so than lunar go-kart racing, but they’ve got tests to run and a Bunsen burning, no time for meaningless PR.
But hey, much like the Olympics, maybe I’m the problem here. Many people gaze to the stars in wonderment, I do so and think “I really hope we’re not going to go rootin around and wake up something in the middle of Mars that’s going to come down here and kill us."
But hey, I've always been the "glass half-empty" type.
Silver Medal – Tim Tebow
He’s baaaaack! And more ubiquitous than ever. Straight from the pages of the “be careful what you wish for” files, America’s most over-hyped quarterback has now joined forces with America’s most over-hyped football team. I can only imagine Five months ago I celebrated the arrival of Peyton Manning to Denver, and (stupidly, it would appear) assumed we were done with Tebowmania for good.
Now, instead of returning to the relative obscurity of Jacksonville, he’s ended up in New York, with the team that ESPN has inexplicably anointed as more important than the Super Bowl champions (who just happen to share a city with them) and force fed us for the better part of 3 seasons. To put this in perspective, I know people who like Tim Tebow, not many, but a few. Everyone I know without exception detests the New York Jets, and believe me, it’s not because of any time they’ve done them wrong on the actual field of play.
Why didn’t Jacksonville just make a Godfather offer for him? Things could’ve been so nice down south. The locals would’ve welcomed back a favorite son and Jags fans could’ve been give a bit of hope by the only thing (divine intervention) that could potentially elevate their team to relevance this year. And if it worked even a little bit? Boom! Automatic folk hero status. Not to mention, no East Coast media circus constantly churning on every piece of non-news.
Instead, we get even more shots of Tim Tebow with his shirt off, looking like he used his special Christ powers to absorb the 3rd-stringer, more Mark Sanchez looking constipated after missing a receiver, and of course, more of Rex Ryan’s (admittedly smaller) jowls, etc. Full disclosure, I picked the Jets to win it all last season. Not because I liked them, or thought they were the best team, but because this is the NFL, where crazy sh*t happens with regularity. I said they’d go 9-7, squeak into the playoffs, pull off some insane upsets and take the crown. Turns out I had the right read on the town, just the wrong team. The Jets were the team that got the help they needed on the final day of the season for the aforementioned squeak…only to cough up a game they had won in the 4th quarter against a lousy Miami team with nothing to play for.
The lesson? I hold a grudge against them for screwing up what would’ve been an epic prediction. The other lesson? All the talk about Rex Ryan being a great motivator feels like crap when his team goes belly-up 10 minutes from the postseason. Special bonus lesson? Mark Sanchez sucks, which is another reason I’m afraid we’re in for Tebowmania 2: Tim Takes Manhattan, at some point this season.
I have no idea where this is going, but I think it’s some place where I end up losing money and my temper this fall due to the results of several Jets games. Stay tuned.
Gold Medal – The Mars Rover
Have you heard about this thing? Of course you have, BECAUSE IT’S EVERYWHERE!!! Well, not everywhere in the literal sense, in fact it’s just on Mars, blistering across the surface at an average speed of 1 cm/sec. Don’t get me wrong, this bad boy can do a full 5 cm/sec, but due to the uncertain terrain on Mars, it only goes for 10 seconds at a clip, then stops to assess its surrounding for 20 seconds before continuing. Riveting stuff, eh? I learned that in the lobby of a Valvoline Instant Oil Change the other day because I couldn't start slamming my head into the wall to lose consciousness fast enough.
Which, as always, is my point, not the fact that they shot the thing into space, but the fact that they need to make such a big effin deal about it. You know what it’s taught us about Mars so far? It’s red. It’s red and made of rock. Congrats, Mr. Rover, you’re now conveying almost as much information as a filmstrip I watched in 4th grade. They called it Curiosity, but Inanity would’ve been a better choice if you ask me.
Before you come at me with the arguments about “furthering this” and “gaining insight into that”, let me reiterate that I am not against them putting a poor man’s R2D2 on Mars in the hopes it might find something interesting. Just wait to splash it all over every form of media until it finds something interesting! Cancer doctors don’t hold a press conference every day to announce that they haven’t found a way to cure cancer, because they know nobody cares. I’d argue that might be the most important scientific pursuit on the plant, certainly more so than lunar go-kart racing, but they’ve got tests to run and a Bunsen burning, no time for meaningless PR.
But hey, much like the Olympics, maybe I’m the problem here. Many people gaze to the stars in wonderment, I do so and think “I really hope we’re not going to go rootin around and wake up something in the middle of Mars that’s going to come down here and kill us."
But hey, I've always been the "glass half-empty" type.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Personal opinion
People have been telling me that online personal ads are a good way to meet women, so I threw one together.
Still a work in progress, but here's what I've come up with so far...
Portly, early 30s sportsfan seeks female companion with the ability to banter well for quiet evenings at home, outings, gatherings, and general merriment.
Strong vocabulary and command of the English language a must. Appreciation for bad puns, alliteration and random movie quotes also highly prized. Preferred qualities include contributing the occasional crossword puzzle answer, enjoyment of the culinary spectrum from fine dining to greasy spoon, and the ability to keep it quiet should you witness me doing a Roxbury-style head bob to a terrible pop song in the car. It is not my fault that “Call Me Maybe” is such a catchy tune.
For my part, I will make every effort to tone it down and shut up when you tell me to. Although anyone who knows me also knows that I have difficulty staying quiet for very long. Frankly, if I was strong in that area, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t need to be writing this. It’s probably best if you’re the assertive type, in order to pierce the rich tapestry of bullshit I often weave about my person. A quick wit and ability to craft cutting verbal barbs would be of great assistance in that area.
Must enjoy attending live sporting events, and posses the ability to feign interest in televised ones. Well, perhaps “feign interest” is too strong a term, just steering clear of heavy sighs and eye rolls, followed by condescending statements along the lines of “sports are so stupid” would be fine. Actually watching or pretending to watch is a plus, but ultimately not a difference-maker. At least as long as I can avoid reprimand for reading a book during any American Idol/Real Housewives-style viewing.
Green Bay Packer fans or cat people need not apply, and if you’re unable to filter your thoughts on the stupidity of fantasy sports, that’s likely going to be a problem as well. I already know most of my hobbies are dumb, telling me about it helps no one.
Still a work in progress, but here's what I've come up with so far...
Portly, early 30s sportsfan seeks female companion with the ability to banter well for quiet evenings at home, outings, gatherings, and general merriment.
Strong vocabulary and command of the English language a must. Appreciation for bad puns, alliteration and random movie quotes also highly prized. Preferred qualities include contributing the occasional crossword puzzle answer, enjoyment of the culinary spectrum from fine dining to greasy spoon, and the ability to keep it quiet should you witness me doing a Roxbury-style head bob to a terrible pop song in the car. It is not my fault that “Call Me Maybe” is such a catchy tune.
For my part, I will make every effort to tone it down and shut up when you tell me to. Although anyone who knows me also knows that I have difficulty staying quiet for very long. Frankly, if I was strong in that area, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t need to be writing this. It’s probably best if you’re the assertive type, in order to pierce the rich tapestry of bullshit I often weave about my person. A quick wit and ability to craft cutting verbal barbs would be of great assistance in that area.
Must enjoy attending live sporting events, and posses the ability to feign interest in televised ones. Well, perhaps “feign interest” is too strong a term, just steering clear of heavy sighs and eye rolls, followed by condescending statements along the lines of “sports are so stupid” would be fine. Actually watching or pretending to watch is a plus, but ultimately not a difference-maker. At least as long as I can avoid reprimand for reading a book during any American Idol/Real Housewives-style viewing.
Green Bay Packer fans or cat people need not apply, and if you’re unable to filter your thoughts on the stupidity of fantasy sports, that’s likely going to be a problem as well. I already know most of my hobbies are dumb, telling me about it helps no one.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Looks like we made it
In most ways, I’m a very typical Minnesotan.
I enjoy hockey, draw out my vowels, appreciate a nice piece of fish, pretty much the standard stuff.
But there is one place where I differ greatly from many people in this and other cold-weather climes: I’m always happy to see the summer months go.
Sure, there are some things I enjoy about them, trips to the lake and baseball games being the most prominent. But by and large, they just don’t do it for me. Particularly July, which is really just February's warm-weather cousin. As I’ve written about at length in the past, the world is far more interesting once summer starts winding down.
So, for those of you that love the heat, don't panic, you've still got plenty of time to finish off your summer agenda. I don't mean to be putting thoughts of snow flurries in your mind, because that's definitely not something I'm looking forward to either.
It's just that the dullest month on the calendar in terms of events has just passed. Now that we've finally made it to August, I can start thinking about all the things between now and the aforementioned snow that make it my favorite time of year.
Here, in no particular order, are 25 of the things that make the next 3 months the most exceptional on the calendar:
1. 75-degree days and 55-degree nights
2. The State Fair
3. No humidity
4. Leaves changing
5. T-shirt weather in the afternoon giving way to sweatshirt weather at night
6. The fact that every sports radio and TV program gets 5000% more interesting
7. Beautiful scenery everywhere you look
8. The end of road construction
9. No rainy days
10. Leaving the windows open so a cool breeze can blow through the house
11. Hoodies
12. Oktoberfest beers hitting the shelves at liquor stores
13. The Oktoberfest celebration at Gasthof’s
14. Bonfires
15. Tailgating
16. Hitting the patios along West 7th before a Wild game
17. Fantasy football drafts
18. Raking leaves (the first time, then it quickly becomes a pain in the ass)
19. Making the walk from Stub’s or Sally’s over to Mariucci Arena without a parka
20. Sitting on the porch, listening to the Van Morrison song “Golden Autumn Day”
21. Taking the dog through the woods without a single drop of sweat forming
22. Baseball pennant races and playoffs
23. Catching the scent of burning leaves on the wind
24. College football
25. NFL football
And as a bonus, this year includes my favorite part of the Olympics, the closing ceremony.
I enjoy hockey, draw out my vowels, appreciate a nice piece of fish, pretty much the standard stuff.
But there is one place where I differ greatly from many people in this and other cold-weather climes: I’m always happy to see the summer months go.
Sure, there are some things I enjoy about them, trips to the lake and baseball games being the most prominent. But by and large, they just don’t do it for me. Particularly July, which is really just February's warm-weather cousin. As I’ve written about at length in the past, the world is far more interesting once summer starts winding down.
So, for those of you that love the heat, don't panic, you've still got plenty of time to finish off your summer agenda. I don't mean to be putting thoughts of snow flurries in your mind, because that's definitely not something I'm looking forward to either.
It's just that the dullest month on the calendar in terms of events has just passed. Now that we've finally made it to August, I can start thinking about all the things between now and the aforementioned snow that make it my favorite time of year.
Here, in no particular order, are 25 of the things that make the next 3 months the most exceptional on the calendar:
1. 75-degree days and 55-degree nights
2. The State Fair
3. No humidity
4. Leaves changing
5. T-shirt weather in the afternoon giving way to sweatshirt weather at night
6. The fact that every sports radio and TV program gets 5000% more interesting
7. Beautiful scenery everywhere you look
8. The end of road construction
9. No rainy days
10. Leaving the windows open so a cool breeze can blow through the house
11. Hoodies
12. Oktoberfest beers hitting the shelves at liquor stores
13. The Oktoberfest celebration at Gasthof’s
14. Bonfires
15. Tailgating
16. Hitting the patios along West 7th before a Wild game
17. Fantasy football drafts
18. Raking leaves (the first time, then it quickly becomes a pain in the ass)
19. Making the walk from Stub’s or Sally’s over to Mariucci Arena without a parka
20. Sitting on the porch, listening to the Van Morrison song “Golden Autumn Day”
21. Taking the dog through the woods without a single drop of sweat forming
22. Baseball pennant races and playoffs
23. Catching the scent of burning leaves on the wind
24. College football
25. NFL football
And as a bonus, this year includes my favorite part of the Olympics, the closing ceremony.
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