The Curse of Target Field

Sometimes, what we want is not always good for us, like kids in a candy store who'd gorge themselves until they turned fat and diabetic, you and I can't be trusted alone with the goodies.  The signing of Joe Mauer was universally lauded as a signal that the Twins franchise was taking a new approach, and the days of small-market woes were behind us.  Now the greatest catcher in history is a slap-hitting DH with no power and a pedestrian average, who all our pitchers hate and has too many health woes to stay in the lineup.  And I think we all know what's to blame for this, none other than the Taj Ma Twins, Target Field.

Now perhaps this is just an off year, as people tell me all the time, but maybe they're only saying that because the alternative is to say our team might've just handed out the worst contract in baseball history, and my mind can't even wrap it's head around a thought so frightening.  I know you love the new ballpark, I loved it myself for quite awhile, but it's already sapped the confidence of our MVP catcher and at some point the need to win trumps the need to sit outside on a sunny day.  There's no Teflon roof to get us a key flyball dropped in a crucial game, no spongy turf off which one of our slap-hitters can beat out a high chopper and score a crucial run, just how is this place supposed to help us win?  For pete's sake, the reigning MVP, so screwed up that he bunted in a key at-bat last week.  BUNTED!

Of course it's nice to go sit there under the sun and look at the grass, was just there two days ago for a beautiful afternoon outing.  But last I checked, the point is still to win games, if you want to watch the Chicago Cubs, that's your business, but I'm all about the playoffs.  So far, on that basis, we need to add Target Field the long list of unexpected success/failures that us fans never saw coming.  Suppose it has to bump Cuddyer's contract extension out of the top spot because it was more expensive, but only slightly so.  I'm marking The Curse of Target Field as an E-fans on my scorecard so far, but fortunately I have a few ideas to combat it's negative karma.  I know you're dying to hear them.

First off, get one of those pine sprigs that they use in church to fling the holy water around (was that just a Catholic thing?), then get yourself a few buckets of Dome Dog juice and go to town.  Just coat the sucker.  Somewhere along the line we've stepped on history, whatever spirit was awakened must be appeased.  Since it was the only truly popular thing about the old place, the Dome Dog should be the first order of business.

And speaking of awakening ticked-off spirits, there's a strong possibility that Humbert Humphrey is not amused by the decision to drop his name from the Metrodome in favor of a suburban consumer mecca where only out-of-towners go.  I mean we sacked a famous statesman for a mall, how tacky can you get?  I know that was really the Vikings doing (not hard to see how they ended up jinxed in the first place), but I guess angry spirits don't have time to split hairs.  Simply fix though, just go with Target Field at Humphrey Stadium, or at least give him the plaza, something.  I have an eerie feeling that the Happy Warrior is not happy.

So that's the easy stuff, but what are we going to do about Mauer?  It's obvious the building has got him totally screwed up right now, deep shots keep dying at the track, liners get held up in the wind, guy probably feels like he can't do anything right.  We need to bring back some of that Metrodome mojo, make him feel at home.  First move, chop off that silly overhang in right and bring back the Hefty bag!  Good old Hefty, rippling in the breeze, just calling to him "Hey Joe, you're safe here, just bounce one off me and you're home free, trotting into second base before you know it."  I'm telling you, it'll loosen him up.

And if it doesn't?  Grass is the next to go, the high chopper off the turf has been our bread and butter for years, Cristian Guzman hit .300 one year without ever getting a ball out of the infield.  Now we've foolishly traded that unstoppable advantage for the feast-or-famine nature of home run hitter?  Keep your sharks, where are my pirhanas?

Beyond getting the Baby Jesus back on track in more comfortable surroundings, we as a fanbase need to consider the kind of stress we're putting on our players.  I mean do we have to sellout every game?  Playing in front of all those people has got to make a guy nervous.  Sure they say they like the atmosphere, but their performance tells another tale, especially with the pitchers.  Look in their eyes when they're out on that mound, 40,000 people all staring at them and they're suppose to stay calm?  Would you be able to?  There's a reason we never beat the Yankees and Red Sox, the building is always full, it's intimidating!

Moving forward, we're just going to have to draw straws to see who stays home.  I figure reducing the crowds by 10,000 of ought to give it more of a Dome feel, so 1/4 of you will need to stay home.  I know a lot of people are going to balk at this, but take one for the team here, you want to win, right?  As I stated earlier, you want lovable losers like the Cubs, then keep it up Minnesota.  Showing up all the time, regardless of the circumstances, is the quickest way to make a team complacent.  Make them work for it a bit.

Those are my thoughts at the moment, I have more if needed, including the nuclear option of swapping the Twins and Vikings home field (kills 2 birds with one stone), but I don't want it to come to that.  You've waited a long time for outdoor baseball Minnesota, so hopefully we can turn this thing around, but we all need to be reasonable here and realized what's best for the team if things don't improve.  We're going to get through this, one way or another.