No, this blog post is not about REO Speedwagon, frankly I don't possess anything near the literary talent it would take to do justice to that iconic band. Instead I'm looking to come to grips with the changes impacting my favorite professional football team, and somehow talk myself into the possibility that the upcoming season is about to go well.
Now positivity is not something we're known for in Loserville. Given past experience, those that tend to take the optimistic view on the prospect of things like beating the Yankees, finishing at the top of an NBA lottery or, most of all, winning a Super Bowl are typically disregarded as delusional. They are the Charlie Browns of the local sports scene, doggedly continuing in their attempts to kick that football, despite continuously falling on their ass. The more grizzled among us keep our knees bent whenever we're faced with one of these situations, ready to flee at the first sign of failure, since failure is where things always seem to end.
But in a way, I'm envious of the optimistic folks, misguided though they may be, because they get to enjoy the run-up to any event infinitely more than people like me. As it is now, periods like this offseason leave me as a ball of fear and loathing, unable to see any scenario in which things are going to go well. We'll probably end up in the same place, cursing our fortunes, but they will at least allow themselves to enjoy the ride. A few months ago, I had a friend say to me during a Twins game we were watching "Sometimes I don't even know why you watch these games, they seem to make you miserable." Of course that was a Scott Baker start, which would make anyone miserable, but somewhere in that statement was a greater point, and it's something I'm striving to do better on.
Because sports are supposed to be fun, and too often my approach makes them otherwise. This is not to suggest that I will ever be able to keep myself from being upset after an excruciating loss (still several years and 2 or 3 therapists from that), but at least I can avoid the preemptive negativity that I allow to creep into my head. I mean if I'm not going to be able to enjoy things after the games are over, or when they are taking place, I should at least be able to enjoy them before they start, right?
So to that end, I'm putting this Vikings training camp through the spin cycle, and finding a silver lining to all the troubles the squad has endured thus far:
Brett Favre is older than dirt, and our backups have the collective quarterbacking skills of a cheese danish.
Wow, I'm shaking over here, Favre has only played every game since...oh yeah, EVER. They said the same thing last year, too old, won't stay on the field, blah blah blah, and all he did was have one of the best years of his career. As for the backups, we probably won't need them, but if we do, they're good enough to get us a couple of wins down the stretch with the defense and running game on this team, it's not like we're talking rookies here, Gus Frerotte won with the same squad a couple years ago.
Might be able to buy into Favre staying healthy if it didn't look like the O-line had spent the offseason at matador school, Julius Peppers is going to have to send McKinnie a Rolex for all the incentives he's going to help him hit. Our center has been MIA since week one of camp and the whole thing looks like a shambles, what are we going to do?!?!?!?
Whoa, overreact to the preseason much? How in the world can we play without our crucial center? Isn't that the same center who stepped in as a first-year starter last season and had people crowing that he couldn't handle the spot during training camp, that center? I mean it's pretty much impossible to expect players to step in and flourish as new starters on the offensive line, I mean you have to go all the way back to LAST SEASON in order to find an example of that. Julius Peppers, don't make me laugh, the guy actually tries about four times a season, and three of those happen during the first month, since when do we worry about the Bears anyway?
Fine, but what about Sidney Rice, I mean that has to bug you, right? Guy was a friggin Pro Bowler last year and made one huge play after another, how can that be shrugged off? Throw in Harvin's migranes and the fact we're now counting on the fact Javon Walker's knees won't crumble like the T-1000 hitting liquid nitrogen, if Favre actually does stay upright, who's he going to throw to?
Listen, of course it would be good to have Rice, but who was Sidney Rice before Brett Favre got here? Just another average receiver who a great QB turned into a star. Favre has been doing that his whole career, with Robert Brooks, Antonio Freeman, Mark Chmura, the list goes on. Bernard Berrian wasn't healthy all of last year, Percy Harvin has a year of experience under his belt, hell Favre won an ESPY for Play of the Year throwing to Greg effing LEWIS, what more do you need to see??? And again, don't get me started on the run game and defense, we had to lean on the passing game last season more than we will this time around.
About that defense, down a few cornerbacks now, Griffin sounds like he won't be back until week 7, Chris Cook just tore his meniscus and will miss a couple games, any worries there?
Nice players, but ultimately replaceable, we have good depth in the secondary and the pass rush will pick up the slack until they're back at full strength.
No Chester Taylor this year, and no heir apparent emerging for 3rd downs, how do we get all those big 1st downs that he supplied last season?
You know I really don't like your attitude. Percy will pick up the 1st down slack in more of a hybrid role, Young and Gerhart will emerge as their pass protection improves and they get more familiar with the playbook.
Schedule is absolutely brutal, particularly our of the gate, talk about terrible timing for all these injuries, this team could start 2-5 really easily.
F*ck off you, tough on the front end means easy on the back end, we'll just enter the playoffs on a roll this way.
Could be last year was a fluke too, all those lucky breaks, Favre-to-Lewis, the missed field goal in the Baltimore game, everything went right. It's tough to duplicate that kind of run in this league, just look at the Giants or Titans last year, Seahawks or Packers the year before that, things can unraveling in a hurry in this league, it's the NFL, Not For Long.
Take your superstition and shove it, ever hear of creating your own luck? Teams also have good extended stretches too, or did you miss that while cherry-picking your info? Moron.
Well this is getting a bit contentious, so I'll just leave you with this: Brad Childress
Oh you motherf**ker
I tried :)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Turning the tables
I'm a little off today. Just not myself, a bit of melancholy hitting me for some reason. Part of it has to do with the unpleasant revelation that the Vikings will be without their best receiver for several weeks, but mostly I think this somehow can be blamed on The Fray.
You see I have an iPhone, which is a wonderful device capable of myriad entertaining things, but can be known to betray you on occasion. New software updates can lead to dropped calls en masse, the AroundMe app can mysterious gap out on critical business locations, and, most horrifically, it can fill your head with music that you never owned or wanted to hear in the first place.
How so? Well there's this thing called Genius (as haughty and self-congratulating a name as ever could exist, should've called it Hubris), and it basically makes playlists out of the music you have in your iTunes account. Up until today, I've regarded it as a clever idea, since it can build a playlist off a song you suggest, or just group different artists by genre, allowing for different mood music. The program will even go out and pull music that you don't own, but sounds similar to things you do. Since my musical tastes vary greatly depending on the situation, this has worked out pretty well so far...at least up until this morning.
Because I woke up today with a song in my head, and it's a song I don't own, don't like, and am fairly certain I've never heard before. But I've heard songs like it, and I'm pretty sure it's by The Fray. In fact I'm positive, because all of their songs are the same song, whiny and effeminate to the point where the name of the band should be changed to another word that rhymes with the current handle (Not that there's anything wrong with that, just not my kind of tunes. And what is up with their name anyway? They're either talking about the end of a rope or a fight, and judging by how likely these badasses are to wreck your shit, it had better be the rope. Little guy in the middle looks like Skippy from down the street who you call when your computer is on the fritz, by this logic I should start a band named The Gigantic Wang). This situation is compounded by the fact I tend to absentmindedly sing to myself whatever is in my head. Pretty sure it's a sign of early-onset dementia, but that concerns me less that the odd looks I've been getting this morning when breaking out the falsetto.
At this point I'm concerned about the possibility of two things:
My phone is engaging in some sort of covert behavior alteration utilizing the Genius software. It's entirely possible that an unholy alliance exists between the folks at Apple and record companies, aimed at moving more units of certain bands.
I am in fact, despite my wholesale belief that this is untrue, a fan of The Fray.
While the first carries with it the unpleasant thought of inadvertently bursting into Lady Gaga choruses while walking the halls at work, at least I could rest easy in knowing my own taste had not betrayed me. The second possibility is far more troubling, and is causing me to reassess exactly who I am and what I'm trying to do here.
I mean the iTunes must've gotten this Fray idea from someplace, right? Which means somewhere in my musical collection, there is a tune or two that has me marked as an aficionado of substandard songs. This is profoundly disappointing and bums me out the more I dwell on it. So in order to get my mind off this debacle, I think it's time for a bit of Free-Floating Hostility.
The concept of Free-Floating Hostility was first introduced by George Carlin, who's teachings I follow closely and find to be applicable to almost every life situation. Sometimes you just have to vent, in order to turn the tables on being overly introspective, and get the focus back on those that are the true root of the problem: The rest of the world.
You've heard the phrase "It's not you, it's me"? Well this is "It's you, not me", because it is most assuredly you. So this, simply put, is just a series of things that are pissing me off:
Injured wide receiver who wait 6 months before attending to the necessary surgery, there by screwing over everyone involved, including themselves
Obvious place to lead off, my revised copy of The Divine Comedy places them in the fifth circle of Hell, below Wrath, but above Heresy.
Parking
I'm boycotting Best Buy. Not because of any bad service or shoddy products, but because they were the store who has incited the "specialized parking" epidemic that has spread like a virus across the retail landscape. Once upon a time, handicapped parking was the only restriction placed on a lot. Although they were rarely full, it seemed like an appropriate idea; if you have trouble getting around, we'll save you a couple of spots closer to the store. Even if you have a motorized wheelchair which makes the concept moot and actually creates a logical argument for me being allowed to park closer. I'm going to take the high road, with one exception: No handicapped spots at the gym. Any logic previously applied just breaks down completely there, if you're spry enough to head to the gym, what's another 50 feet? (Personally the whole parking structure at the gym bothers me anyway, nothing more annoying than people circling for 10 minutes trying to save 20 yards of walking, then going in and using a treadmill. In fact I think all gym parking should just be 5 miles from the entrance, that way when you get there, you can just turn around and head back to your car).
At any rate handicapped parking folks, I'm not looking to switch places with you, even if you get the better spot, so we're cool. I may get a tad irked when you get 4 of those stickers, slap them on cars you never drive and have a-hole family members who knowingly abuse their status. But I will just be content with hoping their sloth-like nature leads to them losing a foot from diabetes and closing the poetic justice loop, without blaming you personally. My benevolence knows no bounds.
But beyond all that is where the trouble really started, when in addition to the handicapped spaces, there began appearing stalls marked "Parking for Expectant Mothers". Hmmm, now that one I had to think about. While I can certainly see how unpleasant it must be to tote a bowling ball around your midsection for months on end, I'm not sure I can just rubber stamp the approval here outright. For starters, this seems to be a self-inflicted condition. I mean I know there was another party involved, but from what I know of childbearing, he was probably only following your instructions. Not that the prick didn't enjoy it at the time, but the end result was probably not what he was shooting for. Puns intended.
And to break things down further, isn't "Expectant Mother" really a whole lot better than the "Overweight Misanthropic Loser" designation that I'm currently toting around. I mean at least we know you've gotten laid in the last nine months. Comparing lots in life, you probably have a husband and/or boyfriend at home, possibly a full family unit, and are about to be involved in a true miracle (not that Jesus-spotted in a piece of toast crap). Me? My evening will consist of a Twins game and a blog post no one will read. The metaphorical weight I'm carrying here is much greater than your physical one. Frankly your significant other could probably say the same, no way he's gotten through your pregnancy unscathed. Poor bastard has probably spent the last few months trying to keep a lower profile around the house than Edward Norton did at the end of his prison term in American History X. I reached for that reference, but the fear of being gang-raped in the shower seemed akin to what I understand living with a pregnant woman to be like. It was too apt to pass up.
Not to downplay your burden, just asking to look beyond what is skin deep. After all, you can't judge a book by it's cover, I may look hale and hardy on the outside, but dammit I put up with a lot, and if it's raining outside I want "Loser" parking stalls next to yours. We can even register with the DMV, it would be simple. I go in and tell the guy I was in five fantasy football leagues last year, he gives me a special sticker and I'm set. Still wouldn't help at Best Buy though, judging by the people browsing the video games you'd need half the lot.
Final thought on the parking thing, and it's the most egregious of all, why would you place the "Parking for families with small children" spots CLOSER to the store? They should be at the end of the lot! I mean why do children cause problems in stores? Too much energy, and we're missing a golden opportunity to take some of the wind out of their sails on the way in! Now I know there could be a safety issue with kids trekking long distances across parking lots, but get one of those neat tether things that I see at the State Fair and you're good to go. Better yet, hitch those tykes to some kind of mobile conveyance (think rollers in summer, sleds in winter) and let them haul you someplace for once. It would do my heart good to be walking into the grocery store some evening and hear some father screaming "Mush!" and he flew by me on his child-powered sleigh. And I'm guessing fewer things might get broken in the store too.
Zombies
Now I'm not talking about real zombies here, as they've been the subject of some of my favorite films. My problem lies with seemingly normal people who for whatever reason feel the need to doll themselves up in zombie gear and hit the town. In the last few years I've heard about zombie dance parties, zombie pub crawls and now this gem out of Minneapolis where a bunch of idiots dressed up and walked through downtown to protest "mindless consumerism", then got paid off to the tune of $165k for being detained unnecessarily by the cops.
Now I'm not saying that the cops didn't overreact, in fact they probably did. All I'm saying is, if you're going to smear yourself with fake blood and wander through a crowded shopping district scaring kids, then be prepared to get asked a few questions. Frankly with all the sh*t cops have to deal with, I think they should have a special out know as the "The Mother****er Was Asking For It" clause, under which anything short of broken bones is permissible whenever they deem to to be an uppity f*ck who's causing unnecessary problems due to the fact they have too much time on their hands,
I'm all for freedom of speech and all that, but there are just some people with too much time on their hands engaging in all kinds of stupid do-gooder behavior simply because they can. One of the morons that just made off with some of my tax dollars is a PhD candidate in Sociology at the U of M, which for the layperson translates to "I plan to apply for a lot of public grants and spend your money to produce nothing of value". The thought that some of my grad school tuition may already be paying for this guy's work just warms my heart.
Tell you what, you want to dress like a zombie? Fine. But in exchange, I want the right to be able to go all Woody Harrelson on you without fear of legal reprisal. I mean hey, if you approach me on the street, how am I supposed to tell the difference between you and a real zombie? For all I know you think I'm lunch, and I can't take that chance. Of course we might need some PSAs to avoid incidents around Halloween. Makes you think, if actual zombies attacked, we'd be sitting ducks around Halloween, would never see it coming. Fortunate for us that they're impulsive and unlikely to coordinate.
People who don't realize they're being manipulated by politics
There's another election coming. There's always another election coming. You'd think the certainty of this schedule would make people less concerned, not more. After all, if someone royally screws up, you won't have to deal with them for very long. But instead, many people start losing their minds, as if what's going to happen in an election will actually impact their lot in life. Oh sure, you might pay more taxes, you might keep a favorite service around a bit longer, but at the end of the day, the impact will be nil. In fact the only thing you'll probably succeed in is taking years off you life by getting all whipped up about it, and that won't benefit anyone but me.
The truth is that everything seems worse, but it's really much better; despite what you see on the news, we're making progress. It might not be progress that benefits you personally, but stop being such a selfish prick for five seconds and look at the big picture. After all, I gave the handicapped folks a break on the parking thing.
For instance, you pay a lot for healthcare, and think that's shitty. For many of us, the amount paid is disproportionate to what is received. But if this was the 1500s, you would've never been asked to spend a dime on healthcare...of course you'd be dead now.
I knew a guy once who needed a new heart, only the donor list was too long. So they took an artificial pump and stuck it in the guy's chest for a few weeks, keeping him alive until a heart was found. A decade ago, this guy would've been dead, and now he's not. I'm sure the price on this whole things was ridiculous, but by all definitions, that's a miracle, right? If you got offered a miracle, would you haggle about the price? Would you want to swap places with heart transplant guy? I guarantee he feels like he got the deal of a lifetime on his healthcare premiums.
This example is repeated all over the place, but nobody wants to admit they aren't getting the raw deal they claim. We're living in the age of air conditioning, airbags and air travel, so how has life gotten so much worse in the meantime? But it's more fun to bitch, I know. Just do me a favor and don't act like I'm supposed to buy what you're selling, chances are you just want it a little easier on yourself. You're pissed off, as we all are, and I can't blame you. Life is mostly drudgery and toil, punctuated by short bursts of fun. But don't act like there is an elusive They out there that is the source of your misery, you most likely did this to yourself.
Because people are always the problem. They complain about jobs being shipped overseas, then shop at Wal-Mart. They talk about waste in the government, then write checks to fund multi-million dollar political campaigns. They deride Congress as a bunch of crooks, then attend a rally supporting the guy from their district. We all want to think there's a better deal out there, but there's not, because it's based on people, and most people suck.
So calm down and repeat after me: Bill O'Reilly used to be on Inside Edition and Al Franken used to be on Saturday Night Live.
Now, go focus your time on solving the larger problem of who's going to pick up the receiving slack in the red zone this year.
I feel better.
You see I have an iPhone, which is a wonderful device capable of myriad entertaining things, but can be known to betray you on occasion. New software updates can lead to dropped calls en masse, the AroundMe app can mysterious gap out on critical business locations, and, most horrifically, it can fill your head with music that you never owned or wanted to hear in the first place.
How so? Well there's this thing called Genius (as haughty and self-congratulating a name as ever could exist, should've called it Hubris), and it basically makes playlists out of the music you have in your iTunes account. Up until today, I've regarded it as a clever idea, since it can build a playlist off a song you suggest, or just group different artists by genre, allowing for different mood music. The program will even go out and pull music that you don't own, but sounds similar to things you do. Since my musical tastes vary greatly depending on the situation, this has worked out pretty well so far...at least up until this morning.
Because I woke up today with a song in my head, and it's a song I don't own, don't like, and am fairly certain I've never heard before. But I've heard songs like it, and I'm pretty sure it's by The Fray. In fact I'm positive, because all of their songs are the same song, whiny and effeminate to the point where the name of the band should be changed to another word that rhymes with the current handle (Not that there's anything wrong with that, just not my kind of tunes. And what is up with their name anyway? They're either talking about the end of a rope or a fight, and judging by how likely these badasses are to wreck your shit, it had better be the rope. Little guy in the middle looks like Skippy from down the street who you call when your computer is on the fritz, by this logic I should start a band named The Gigantic Wang). This situation is compounded by the fact I tend to absentmindedly sing to myself whatever is in my head. Pretty sure it's a sign of early-onset dementia, but that concerns me less that the odd looks I've been getting this morning when breaking out the falsetto.
At this point I'm concerned about the possibility of two things:
My phone is engaging in some sort of covert behavior alteration utilizing the Genius software. It's entirely possible that an unholy alliance exists between the folks at Apple and record companies, aimed at moving more units of certain bands.
I am in fact, despite my wholesale belief that this is untrue, a fan of The Fray.
While the first carries with it the unpleasant thought of inadvertently bursting into Lady Gaga choruses while walking the halls at work, at least I could rest easy in knowing my own taste had not betrayed me. The second possibility is far more troubling, and is causing me to reassess exactly who I am and what I'm trying to do here.
I mean the iTunes must've gotten this Fray idea from someplace, right? Which means somewhere in my musical collection, there is a tune or two that has me marked as an aficionado of substandard songs. This is profoundly disappointing and bums me out the more I dwell on it. So in order to get my mind off this debacle, I think it's time for a bit of Free-Floating Hostility.
The concept of Free-Floating Hostility was first introduced by George Carlin, who's teachings I follow closely and find to be applicable to almost every life situation. Sometimes you just have to vent, in order to turn the tables on being overly introspective, and get the focus back on those that are the true root of the problem: The rest of the world.
You've heard the phrase "It's not you, it's me"? Well this is "It's you, not me", because it is most assuredly you. So this, simply put, is just a series of things that are pissing me off:
Injured wide receiver who wait 6 months before attending to the necessary surgery, there by screwing over everyone involved, including themselves
Obvious place to lead off, my revised copy of The Divine Comedy places them in the fifth circle of Hell, below Wrath, but above Heresy.
Parking
I'm boycotting Best Buy. Not because of any bad service or shoddy products, but because they were the store who has incited the "specialized parking" epidemic that has spread like a virus across the retail landscape. Once upon a time, handicapped parking was the only restriction placed on a lot. Although they were rarely full, it seemed like an appropriate idea; if you have trouble getting around, we'll save you a couple of spots closer to the store. Even if you have a motorized wheelchair which makes the concept moot and actually creates a logical argument for me being allowed to park closer. I'm going to take the high road, with one exception: No handicapped spots at the gym. Any logic previously applied just breaks down completely there, if you're spry enough to head to the gym, what's another 50 feet? (Personally the whole parking structure at the gym bothers me anyway, nothing more annoying than people circling for 10 minutes trying to save 20 yards of walking, then going in and using a treadmill. In fact I think all gym parking should just be 5 miles from the entrance, that way when you get there, you can just turn around and head back to your car).
At any rate handicapped parking folks, I'm not looking to switch places with you, even if you get the better spot, so we're cool. I may get a tad irked when you get 4 of those stickers, slap them on cars you never drive and have a-hole family members who knowingly abuse their status. But I will just be content with hoping their sloth-like nature leads to them losing a foot from diabetes and closing the poetic justice loop, without blaming you personally. My benevolence knows no bounds.
But beyond all that is where the trouble really started, when in addition to the handicapped spaces, there began appearing stalls marked "Parking for Expectant Mothers". Hmmm, now that one I had to think about. While I can certainly see how unpleasant it must be to tote a bowling ball around your midsection for months on end, I'm not sure I can just rubber stamp the approval here outright. For starters, this seems to be a self-inflicted condition. I mean I know there was another party involved, but from what I know of childbearing, he was probably only following your instructions. Not that the prick didn't enjoy it at the time, but the end result was probably not what he was shooting for. Puns intended.
And to break things down further, isn't "Expectant Mother" really a whole lot better than the "Overweight Misanthropic Loser" designation that I'm currently toting around. I mean at least we know you've gotten laid in the last nine months. Comparing lots in life, you probably have a husband and/or boyfriend at home, possibly a full family unit, and are about to be involved in a true miracle (not that Jesus-spotted in a piece of toast crap). Me? My evening will consist of a Twins game and a blog post no one will read. The metaphorical weight I'm carrying here is much greater than your physical one. Frankly your significant other could probably say the same, no way he's gotten through your pregnancy unscathed. Poor bastard has probably spent the last few months trying to keep a lower profile around the house than Edward Norton did at the end of his prison term in American History X. I reached for that reference, but the fear of being gang-raped in the shower seemed akin to what I understand living with a pregnant woman to be like. It was too apt to pass up.
Not to downplay your burden, just asking to look beyond what is skin deep. After all, you can't judge a book by it's cover, I may look hale and hardy on the outside, but dammit I put up with a lot, and if it's raining outside I want "Loser" parking stalls next to yours. We can even register with the DMV, it would be simple. I go in and tell the guy I was in five fantasy football leagues last year, he gives me a special sticker and I'm set. Still wouldn't help at Best Buy though, judging by the people browsing the video games you'd need half the lot.
Final thought on the parking thing, and it's the most egregious of all, why would you place the "Parking for families with small children" spots CLOSER to the store? They should be at the end of the lot! I mean why do children cause problems in stores? Too much energy, and we're missing a golden opportunity to take some of the wind out of their sails on the way in! Now I know there could be a safety issue with kids trekking long distances across parking lots, but get one of those neat tether things that I see at the State Fair and you're good to go. Better yet, hitch those tykes to some kind of mobile conveyance (think rollers in summer, sleds in winter) and let them haul you someplace for once. It would do my heart good to be walking into the grocery store some evening and hear some father screaming "Mush!" and he flew by me on his child-powered sleigh. And I'm guessing fewer things might get broken in the store too.
Zombies
Now I'm not talking about real zombies here, as they've been the subject of some of my favorite films. My problem lies with seemingly normal people who for whatever reason feel the need to doll themselves up in zombie gear and hit the town. In the last few years I've heard about zombie dance parties, zombie pub crawls and now this gem out of Minneapolis where a bunch of idiots dressed up and walked through downtown to protest "mindless consumerism", then got paid off to the tune of $165k for being detained unnecessarily by the cops.
Now I'm not saying that the cops didn't overreact, in fact they probably did. All I'm saying is, if you're going to smear yourself with fake blood and wander through a crowded shopping district scaring kids, then be prepared to get asked a few questions. Frankly with all the sh*t cops have to deal with, I think they should have a special out know as the "The Mother****er Was Asking For It" clause, under which anything short of broken bones is permissible whenever they deem to to be an uppity f*ck who's causing unnecessary problems due to the fact they have too much time on their hands,
I'm all for freedom of speech and all that, but there are just some people with too much time on their hands engaging in all kinds of stupid do-gooder behavior simply because they can. One of the morons that just made off with some of my tax dollars is a PhD candidate in Sociology at the U of M, which for the layperson translates to "I plan to apply for a lot of public grants and spend your money to produce nothing of value". The thought that some of my grad school tuition may already be paying for this guy's work just warms my heart.
Tell you what, you want to dress like a zombie? Fine. But in exchange, I want the right to be able to go all Woody Harrelson on you without fear of legal reprisal. I mean hey, if you approach me on the street, how am I supposed to tell the difference between you and a real zombie? For all I know you think I'm lunch, and I can't take that chance. Of course we might need some PSAs to avoid incidents around Halloween. Makes you think, if actual zombies attacked, we'd be sitting ducks around Halloween, would never see it coming. Fortunate for us that they're impulsive and unlikely to coordinate.
People who don't realize they're being manipulated by politics
There's another election coming. There's always another election coming. You'd think the certainty of this schedule would make people less concerned, not more. After all, if someone royally screws up, you won't have to deal with them for very long. But instead, many people start losing their minds, as if what's going to happen in an election will actually impact their lot in life. Oh sure, you might pay more taxes, you might keep a favorite service around a bit longer, but at the end of the day, the impact will be nil. In fact the only thing you'll probably succeed in is taking years off you life by getting all whipped up about it, and that won't benefit anyone but me.
The truth is that everything seems worse, but it's really much better; despite what you see on the news, we're making progress. It might not be progress that benefits you personally, but stop being such a selfish prick for five seconds and look at the big picture. After all, I gave the handicapped folks a break on the parking thing.
For instance, you pay a lot for healthcare, and think that's shitty. For many of us, the amount paid is disproportionate to what is received. But if this was the 1500s, you would've never been asked to spend a dime on healthcare...of course you'd be dead now.
I knew a guy once who needed a new heart, only the donor list was too long. So they took an artificial pump and stuck it in the guy's chest for a few weeks, keeping him alive until a heart was found. A decade ago, this guy would've been dead, and now he's not. I'm sure the price on this whole things was ridiculous, but by all definitions, that's a miracle, right? If you got offered a miracle, would you haggle about the price? Would you want to swap places with heart transplant guy? I guarantee he feels like he got the deal of a lifetime on his healthcare premiums.
This example is repeated all over the place, but nobody wants to admit they aren't getting the raw deal they claim. We're living in the age of air conditioning, airbags and air travel, so how has life gotten so much worse in the meantime? But it's more fun to bitch, I know. Just do me a favor and don't act like I'm supposed to buy what you're selling, chances are you just want it a little easier on yourself. You're pissed off, as we all are, and I can't blame you. Life is mostly drudgery and toil, punctuated by short bursts of fun. But don't act like there is an elusive They out there that is the source of your misery, you most likely did this to yourself.
Because people are always the problem. They complain about jobs being shipped overseas, then shop at Wal-Mart. They talk about waste in the government, then write checks to fund multi-million dollar political campaigns. They deride Congress as a bunch of crooks, then attend a rally supporting the guy from their district. We all want to think there's a better deal out there, but there's not, because it's based on people, and most people suck.
So calm down and repeat after me: Bill O'Reilly used to be on Inside Edition and Al Franken used to be on Saturday Night Live.
Now, go focus your time on solving the larger problem of who's going to pick up the receiving slack in the red zone this year.
I feel better.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Revenge of the 40-something former nemeses
Not sure if nemeses is a word, but I'm going with it. Nemesises? Nemesi?
Anyway, two old guys who used to make us eat their sh!t on a regular basis came through big yesterday, with Brett Favre returning to the Vikings (was late by a week in my call) and Jim Thome walking off the hated White Sox in a big game the Twins tried to lose 3 or 4 times.
Not much to said beyond that really, for the moment all is right with the Loserville world.
Unless of course you want to stop to think about imploding bullpens, overrated closers who cost us a top prospect, gimpy aging QBs unlikely to make it through the season, the fact that things never work out the way you expect them to in the NFL...
Okay, we'll keep it positive today, just don't get used to it, this will still end excruciatingly.
Anyway, two old guys who used to make us eat their sh!t on a regular basis came through big yesterday, with Brett Favre returning to the Vikings (was late by a week in my call) and Jim Thome walking off the hated White Sox in a big game the Twins tried to lose 3 or 4 times.
Not much to said beyond that really, for the moment all is right with the Loserville world.
Unless of course you want to stop to think about imploding bullpens, overrated closers who cost us a top prospect, gimpy aging QBs unlikely to make it through the season, the fact that things never work out the way you expect them to in the NFL...
Okay, we'll keep it positive today, just don't get used to it, this will still end excruciatingly.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Childress Diaries
The crack investigative team at Loserville has come into possession of the personal journal of Vikings coach Brad Childress. This should be an enlightening look into the mind of a football genius as he prepares for the 2010 season:
July 27th
Best part of training camp? Chance to wear wide-brim Panama hat. Picked up new one during offseason and have been saving for the occasion. Z. Wilf ruined former favorite by cutting holes in the top during video meeting last season; hexagon shapes left sunburned patches on head, giving soccer ball-like appearance. Kept calling me Pele the rest of the week, sometimes he can be so hurtful.
July 30th
B. Favre list of demands arrived via secured courier today, up a half-page from last year. New requirement that D. Bevell serve as offseason butler could have been problematic, but apparently included in contract extension under blanket 'Favre Happiness' clause. Need to review own extension for similar language.
August 1st
Failure to grasp kickass offense makes it clearer than ever that plan to have T. Jackson eliminated and buried in the desert following 2008 Arizona game should've been followed through. Could've claimed corner was being turned and eliminated ongoing risk to reputation as offensive genius/QB guru. Mistake will not be repeated.
August 3rd
B Favre list of demands hits home with 'Scraggly Beard Exclusivity' addendum. Farewell rightgeous chin moss.
August 4th
Masterful performance by yours truly today, leading media in circles on Favre news. Watergate line drew guffaw from assistant equipment guy Fred, think he's due for a promotion. New QB coach perhaps?
August 5th
Z. Wilf threats of tearing up contract extension upon B. Favre retirement are not appreciated, possible to return lifetime supply of mustache wax?
August 7th
Disconcerting hearing D. Rosenhaus referring to S. Rice injury as "quote-unquote hip problem" on conference calls. All that winking at June meeting suddenly making more sense.
August 10th
Hiding under desk to avoid angry M. Wilf , outside office haranguing D. Bevell on lack of B. Favre progress, S. Rice not practicing and P. Harvin MIA. Quick thinking by OC to defuse situation with foot rub, kid has a future in this business.
August 13th
Eve of first preseason game, poor night's sleep after being accosted by Z. Wilf at 3 AM wielding bar of soap in sock. Just finished watching Full Metal Jacket and was caught up in the moment. Same crazy look in his eye when informed of T. Jackson starting playoff game versus Eagles.
August 15th
Possible spin for S. Rosenfels performance? Cite Rams record, excuse lack of T. Jackson snaps due to reluctance to reveal new wrikles in kickass offense, offer effusive praise for special teams with convoluted football insider language. All else fails, say question can't be answered until tape has been reviewed, repeat.
August 16th
Woke to text message picture of B. Favre genitalia and demand that t-shirts featuring image and phrase"Mondays are for dicks" be worn by coaching staff at team film sessions throughout season.
July 27th
Best part of training camp? Chance to wear wide-brim Panama hat. Picked up new one during offseason and have been saving for the occasion. Z. Wilf ruined former favorite by cutting holes in the top during video meeting last season; hexagon shapes left sunburned patches on head, giving soccer ball-like appearance. Kept calling me Pele the rest of the week, sometimes he can be so hurtful.
July 30th
B. Favre list of demands arrived via secured courier today, up a half-page from last year. New requirement that D. Bevell serve as offseason butler could have been problematic, but apparently included in contract extension under blanket 'Favre Happiness' clause. Need to review own extension for similar language.
August 1st
Failure to grasp kickass offense makes it clearer than ever that plan to have T. Jackson eliminated and buried in the desert following 2008 Arizona game should've been followed through. Could've claimed corner was being turned and eliminated ongoing risk to reputation as offensive genius/QB guru. Mistake will not be repeated.
August 3rd
B Favre list of demands hits home with 'Scraggly Beard Exclusivity' addendum. Farewell rightgeous chin moss.
August 4th
Masterful performance by yours truly today, leading media in circles on Favre news. Watergate line drew guffaw from assistant equipment guy Fred, think he's due for a promotion. New QB coach perhaps?
August 5th
Z. Wilf threats of tearing up contract extension upon B. Favre retirement are not appreciated, possible to return lifetime supply of mustache wax?
August 7th
Disconcerting hearing D. Rosenhaus referring to S. Rice injury as "quote-unquote hip problem" on conference calls. All that winking at June meeting suddenly making more sense.
August 10th
Hiding under desk to avoid angry M. Wilf , outside office haranguing D. Bevell on lack of B. Favre progress, S. Rice not practicing and P. Harvin MIA. Quick thinking by OC to defuse situation with foot rub, kid has a future in this business.
August 13th
Eve of first preseason game, poor night's sleep after being accosted by Z. Wilf at 3 AM wielding bar of soap in sock. Just finished watching Full Metal Jacket and was caught up in the moment. Same crazy look in his eye when informed of T. Jackson starting playoff game versus Eagles.
August 15th
Possible spin for S. Rosenfels performance? Cite Rams record, excuse lack of T. Jackson snaps due to reluctance to reveal new wrikles in kickass offense, offer effusive praise for special teams with convoluted football insider language. All else fails, say question can't be answered until tape has been reviewed, repeat.
August 16th
Woke to text message picture of B. Favre genitalia and demand that t-shirts featuring image and phrase"Mondays are for dicks" be worn by coaching staff at team film sessions throughout season.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Harshing my mellow
On July 6th, I was mired in a deep post-4th summer funk, bemoaning the excruciating wait for baseball to become relevant, football to reemerge from hibernation and the temperature to drop to an acceptable range for human habitation. Now we're a month down the road, the baseball calendar has been whittled from 80 to 50 and training camp is in full swing, with the Vikings kicking off the preseason this weekend. The weather has remained abominably humid, but what else can you expect from August in Minnesota? Hoodie weather (the best kind) will be here before we know it, so I suppose I can deal for a bit longer.
The Twins kicked off their stretch run last night with a rout of the White Sox, so everything should be lovely in Loserville this morning. But since contentment is not part of my sports DNA, attention is not focused on the Twins, but instead on the myriad issues cropping up on the Vikings roster like paternity suits following NBA All-Star weekend.
Beyond the saga that is Favregate (I know, he will be here, but I can't be settled until he gets off the plane)Percy Harvin has migraines again, Sid Rice has a hip that apparently hasn't been right since January (or a contract, no one can say for sure), Shiancoe is banged up, half the O-line is hobbling; frankly I'm getting a bit nervous here.
You can tell me it's only August 11th, and the first preseason game has not yet been played, which is of course correct. But in the long tradition of sports fans the world over, I live by the mantra of "I overreact, therefore I am." Add in the generally fatalistic attitude I carry about the Vikings, and this is all adding up to an uneasy August.
(By the way, I make no apologies for this, it's simply learned behavior based on a long history of reinforcement. I mean if you get an electric fence, and the dog gets shocked a few times, eventually he learns not to go over the boundary, right? We don't blame the dog for having a pessimistic attitude about life beyond the yard, in fact we praise him for his ability to learn for past stimuli. Now imagine a dog that's been running into that fence for 20 odd years, can you blame him for shying away a bit when someone is holding a bone on the other side of it? This analogy sums up my history as a Vikings fan perfectly, being oh so hungry for what's on the other side of that fence, but having to creep toward it slowly and fearfully, knowing the jolt of electricity could come at any time. I didn't make myself this way, they did, so get off my damn case.)
The NFL is the professional sports league in which past history is least indicative of future success. In any given season, 4-5 teams thought to be contenders will fall from grace, and 4-5 squads that were written off will either make the playoffs or come very close to it. Many prognosticators had the Saints ranked as the 20th-best team, or higher, before last season began. This is probably the biggest reason that football is the king of American sports, fans always know if they catch a few breaks, their team could reverse last season's ill fortunes in a heartbeat, nobody ever stays down for long...well, except Detroit.
But while this is comforting news to the teams who played below expectations, it can be equally troubling to those that played over their heads. The Vikings were picked by many to be mediocre last year, Favre wouldn't hold up, the offensive line was too inexperienced, no big time receivers, etc. They went out and beat every expectation, living a charmed life with late comebacks and some unbelievable luck. A big reason why last season's failure was so hard to take was because any fan who's watched this game long knows a team needs the stars to align to get deep in the playoffs. But luck is a tricky thing, and the law of averages dictates that what goes up, must come down. Which is why so much preseason disarray brings a bit of foreboding.
At any rate, I won't belabor the point any longer, there will be more than enough time in the future to worry myself about the Vikings prospects. But as usual, I'm nervous, and hope the road gets a bit smoother very soon.
The Twins kicked off their stretch run last night with a rout of the White Sox, so everything should be lovely in Loserville this morning. But since contentment is not part of my sports DNA, attention is not focused on the Twins, but instead on the myriad issues cropping up on the Vikings roster like paternity suits following NBA All-Star weekend.
Beyond the saga that is Favregate (I know, he will be here, but I can't be settled until he gets off the plane)Percy Harvin has migraines again, Sid Rice has a hip that apparently hasn't been right since January (or a contract, no one can say for sure), Shiancoe is banged up, half the O-line is hobbling; frankly I'm getting a bit nervous here.
You can tell me it's only August 11th, and the first preseason game has not yet been played, which is of course correct. But in the long tradition of sports fans the world over, I live by the mantra of "I overreact, therefore I am." Add in the generally fatalistic attitude I carry about the Vikings, and this is all adding up to an uneasy August.
(By the way, I make no apologies for this, it's simply learned behavior based on a long history of reinforcement. I mean if you get an electric fence, and the dog gets shocked a few times, eventually he learns not to go over the boundary, right? We don't blame the dog for having a pessimistic attitude about life beyond the yard, in fact we praise him for his ability to learn for past stimuli. Now imagine a dog that's been running into that fence for 20 odd years, can you blame him for shying away a bit when someone is holding a bone on the other side of it? This analogy sums up my history as a Vikings fan perfectly, being oh so hungry for what's on the other side of that fence, but having to creep toward it slowly and fearfully, knowing the jolt of electricity could come at any time. I didn't make myself this way, they did, so get off my damn case.)
The NFL is the professional sports league in which past history is least indicative of future success. In any given season, 4-5 teams thought to be contenders will fall from grace, and 4-5 squads that were written off will either make the playoffs or come very close to it. Many prognosticators had the Saints ranked as the 20th-best team, or higher, before last season began. This is probably the biggest reason that football is the king of American sports, fans always know if they catch a few breaks, their team could reverse last season's ill fortunes in a heartbeat, nobody ever stays down for long...well, except Detroit.
But while this is comforting news to the teams who played below expectations, it can be equally troubling to those that played over their heads. The Vikings were picked by many to be mediocre last year, Favre wouldn't hold up, the offensive line was too inexperienced, no big time receivers, etc. They went out and beat every expectation, living a charmed life with late comebacks and some unbelievable luck. A big reason why last season's failure was so hard to take was because any fan who's watched this game long knows a team needs the stars to align to get deep in the playoffs. But luck is a tricky thing, and the law of averages dictates that what goes up, must come down. Which is why so much preseason disarray brings a bit of foreboding.
At any rate, I won't belabor the point any longer, there will be more than enough time in the future to worry myself about the Vikings prospects. But as usual, I'm nervous, and hope the road gets a bit smoother very soon.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Fun with acronyms
Well first off, I'd just like to say that I'm happy Scott Baker is apparently a fan of the blog. Frankly there's no explanation for his resurgence since I ripped into him viciously on the 20th of July, other than the sheer embarrassment of my lost faith. Since the disastrous start against Cleveland that precipitated that rant, Baker is 2-0 with 5 ER over 20 1/3 IP. Last night's gem against a loaded Tampa Bay club ended in a no-decision, but should've been win #3, given the stellar 8 innings of shutout ball that was delivered. Keep up the good work Scott, perhaps you can make it off my ****list by season's end.
The ebb and flow of a sports team is a funny thing, guys go from hot to not, and vice versa, in the blink of an eye. Nothing really seems to change much when you're watching them, still the same guy doing the same things, but small, imperceptible differences in performance often yield a gigantic impact on results. Oddly enough, the rise of one team member often seems to be offset by the decline of another. I suppose this should be somewhat expected in games like hockey and football, where the defense functions as a unit and devoting extra resources to contain one player can free up another. But it still doesn't explain how a player who consistently screws up big spots (dropping interceptions, whiffing on open nets) can all of the sudden catch lightning in a bottle to consistently deliver in those same situations.
This transformation makes even less sense in baseball, where each pitcher or hitter functions pretty much independently of the others. That's not to say that teammates don't help each other out, defense can make all the difference in the world to a pitcher; but there's no defense in the world that was going to stop Moonshot Scott from serving up taters, then all of the sudden he's the second coming of Cy Young, this intrigues me.
The examples are everywhere, from Michael Cuddyer stepping up to carry the Twins last year in Justin Morneau's absence, to Delmon Young's recent cooling trend being offset by the increased production of Jason Repko and...Drew Butera of all people. Now we've seen a few occasions where every member of a team got blistering hot at the same time, most memorably the Colorado Rockies 21-1 rampage to the World Series three years ago. But usually it seems that a fixed pool of positive results available to any team, so when one player goes up, another must come down. While I'm sure that some fancy statistical analysis could be offered to explain this phenomenon, I prefer to take things more metaphysically. To that end, I offer my hypothesis, in the form of the Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Theory, or F*CK for short.
Since F*CK is a measure influenced by the sum of a teams component parts, it stands to reason that different teams have different levels of inherent F*CK. If you have more skilled players, you've got higher baseline F*CK; less skill means less F*CK, the logic of this should be obvious. Now this doesn't mean that a team or player with high F*CK couldn't experience a drought, in fact it's possible for anyone to contribute zero F*CK at a given time, regardless of the strength of their game. But for the most part, as with any trend, performance will regress to the norm and the F*CK of each entity will fall where it is expected to. As any player can tell you, a ridiculous amount of F*CK in the short term can often have negative long-term consequences, just as prolonged slumps can often end in extended bouts of suprisingly high F*CK. Of course the caveat to these expectation is that your game was reasonably strong in the first place; if you were always a worthless F*CK, you never would've been playing at a high level to begin with.
The phenomenon of a player positively deviating from their recent historical level of F*CK, known as Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Increasing Normalized Growth (F*CKING), can manifest itself in several ways. Often times the absence of a player opens the door for another to step in and pick up the slack. The replacement, known as the Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Emerging Regular (F*CKER) may have been limited by his role and expectations. But with the big star, or Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Exiting Element (F*CKEE) out of the picture, the F*CKER backing him up might seize the opportunity to shine.
It usually doesn't work out that way, as the F*CKER that was sitting on the bench won't have the talent to match the F*CK he's replacing. It's common to be at a game and hear a fellow fan sya with disdain "Great, now this F*CKER's in." Typically expectations are low. But you never know when the feeling of needing to do more to pick up the team could spur some F*CKER to new F*CKING heights no one every dreamed possible. Nothing motivates a man like potential F*CKING.
Other times, there is no real trigger, it just kind of happens for no discernable reason. Expanding the vernacular of F*CK theory, the term Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Upside Performer (F*CKUP) is used to describe someone executing above their typical level. While Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Extreme Downsider (F*CKED) is the term for those below. The odd thing is, these two roles can reverse themselves, seemingly at the drop of a hat. Karl Pavano has been a F*CKUP for most of the the season, while Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey have been the definition of F*CKED. So what heppened this week? All of the sudden the two underperformers become a pair of F*CKUPs and the guy who's been throwing like an ace is totally F*CKED. I tell you it's a funny game.
How do players avoid getting F*CKED? Well if I could figure that out, I'd be selling all this F*CKING information to the highest bidder. I mean how can Joe Mauer be the biggest F*CKUP in the American league last season, then find himself F*CKED to the tune of a below .300 average halfway through this one? Frankly it's a F*CKING mystery that not even the most successful F*CKERS in the league can truly explain.
The only thing that is for certain, as noted earlier, is we all want the players on our teams to be synonymous with the term F*CK. The Yankees are a good example of this, no team in sports has more F*CKERs up and down it's roster. In fact there are so many players who fit this description, you'll often hear them described as the F*CKING Yankees. While a team full of F*CKERs is not necessarily a guarantee of F*CKING success, the higher mean level of F*CK would indicate much better F*CKING performance than other teams.
An interesting side note to this F*CKING discussion is the potential for acquisitions through trades and free agency available to higher payroll teams. Adding a player in this fashion can often spur a phenomenon know as Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Alternate Location Leverage (F*CKALL), caused by a change of scenery or move to easier league/conference. Unfortunately the discussion of that topic will have to be postponed, as most people who know me can tell you, I don't really know F*CKALL.
So that's it, everything I know about F*CK, F*CKING and F*CKERs. Hopefully this discussion has been enlightening and given you a new angle through which to view the dynamics of a team; always remember, it takes a unit to F*CK. The next time you're at the game, and the fan next to you yells "This guy in F*CKING useless, get some other F*CKER in there", you will now have a deeper appreciation for what this wise and learned student of the game is really saying.
The ebb and flow of a sports team is a funny thing, guys go from hot to not, and vice versa, in the blink of an eye. Nothing really seems to change much when you're watching them, still the same guy doing the same things, but small, imperceptible differences in performance often yield a gigantic impact on results. Oddly enough, the rise of one team member often seems to be offset by the decline of another. I suppose this should be somewhat expected in games like hockey and football, where the defense functions as a unit and devoting extra resources to contain one player can free up another. But it still doesn't explain how a player who consistently screws up big spots (dropping interceptions, whiffing on open nets) can all of the sudden catch lightning in a bottle to consistently deliver in those same situations.
This transformation makes even less sense in baseball, where each pitcher or hitter functions pretty much independently of the others. That's not to say that teammates don't help each other out, defense can make all the difference in the world to a pitcher; but there's no defense in the world that was going to stop Moonshot Scott from serving up taters, then all of the sudden he's the second coming of Cy Young, this intrigues me.
The examples are everywhere, from Michael Cuddyer stepping up to carry the Twins last year in Justin Morneau's absence, to Delmon Young's recent cooling trend being offset by the increased production of Jason Repko and...Drew Butera of all people. Now we've seen a few occasions where every member of a team got blistering hot at the same time, most memorably the Colorado Rockies 21-1 rampage to the World Series three years ago. But usually it seems that a fixed pool of positive results available to any team, so when one player goes up, another must come down. While I'm sure that some fancy statistical analysis could be offered to explain this phenomenon, I prefer to take things more metaphysically. To that end, I offer my hypothesis, in the form of the Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Theory, or F*CK for short.
Since F*CK is a measure influenced by the sum of a teams component parts, it stands to reason that different teams have different levels of inherent F*CK. If you have more skilled players, you've got higher baseline F*CK; less skill means less F*CK, the logic of this should be obvious. Now this doesn't mean that a team or player with high F*CK couldn't experience a drought, in fact it's possible for anyone to contribute zero F*CK at a given time, regardless of the strength of their game. But for the most part, as with any trend, performance will regress to the norm and the F*CK of each entity will fall where it is expected to. As any player can tell you, a ridiculous amount of F*CK in the short term can often have negative long-term consequences, just as prolonged slumps can often end in extended bouts of suprisingly high F*CK. Of course the caveat to these expectation is that your game was reasonably strong in the first place; if you were always a worthless F*CK, you never would've been playing at a high level to begin with.
The phenomenon of a player positively deviating from their recent historical level of F*CK, known as Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Increasing Normalized Growth (F*CKING), can manifest itself in several ways. Often times the absence of a player opens the door for another to step in and pick up the slack. The replacement, known as the Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Emerging Regular (F*CKER) may have been limited by his role and expectations. But with the big star, or Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Exiting Element (F*CKEE) out of the picture, the F*CKER backing him up might seize the opportunity to shine.
It usually doesn't work out that way, as the F*CKER that was sitting on the bench won't have the talent to match the F*CK he's replacing. It's common to be at a game and hear a fellow fan sya with disdain "Great, now this F*CKER's in." Typically expectations are low. But you never know when the feeling of needing to do more to pick up the team could spur some F*CKER to new F*CKING heights no one every dreamed possible. Nothing motivates a man like potential F*CKING.
Other times, there is no real trigger, it just kind of happens for no discernable reason. Expanding the vernacular of F*CK theory, the term Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Upside Performer (F*CKUP) is used to describe someone executing above their typical level. While Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Extreme Downsider (F*CKED) is the term for those below. The odd thing is, these two roles can reverse themselves, seemingly at the drop of a hat. Karl Pavano has been a F*CKUP for most of the the season, while Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey have been the definition of F*CKED. So what heppened this week? All of the sudden the two underperformers become a pair of F*CKUPs and the guy who's been throwing like an ace is totally F*CKED. I tell you it's a funny game.
How do players avoid getting F*CKED? Well if I could figure that out, I'd be selling all this F*CKING information to the highest bidder. I mean how can Joe Mauer be the biggest F*CKUP in the American league last season, then find himself F*CKED to the tune of a below .300 average halfway through this one? Frankly it's a F*CKING mystery that not even the most successful F*CKERS in the league can truly explain.
The only thing that is for certain, as noted earlier, is we all want the players on our teams to be synonymous with the term F*CK. The Yankees are a good example of this, no team in sports has more F*CKERs up and down it's roster. In fact there are so many players who fit this description, you'll often hear them described as the F*CKING Yankees. While a team full of F*CKERs is not necessarily a guarantee of F*CKING success, the higher mean level of F*CK would indicate much better F*CKING performance than other teams.
An interesting side note to this F*CKING discussion is the potential for acquisitions through trades and free agency available to higher payroll teams. Adding a player in this fashion can often spur a phenomenon know as Finite Unit Cumulative Karma Alternate Location Leverage (F*CKALL), caused by a change of scenery or move to easier league/conference. Unfortunately the discussion of that topic will have to be postponed, as most people who know me can tell you, I don't really know F*CKALL.
So that's it, everything I know about F*CK, F*CKING and F*CKERs. Hopefully this discussion has been enlightening and given you a new angle through which to view the dynamics of a team; always remember, it takes a unit to F*CK. The next time you're at the game, and the fan next to you yells "This guy in F*CKING useless, get some other F*CKER in there", you will now have a deeper appreciation for what this wise and learned student of the game is really saying.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Send in the clowns
Favre.
That single word, though often misspelled, elicits an instant reaction from any sports fan. Be it a wry smile, chuckle, or grimace of disgust, hearing the man's name spoken out loud, particularly when NFL training camp is underway, is going to draw a response. Given the events of today, that's only going to become more true in the coming weeks and months.
The old gunslinger is at it again, hitting the Internet so hard you would've thought it owed him money. One simple 3-word text message, insinuating what exactly is unclear, has literally set the world atwitter with speculation that he will once again retire, and that this time that retirement will stick. My initial reaction can be summed up quite simply here (don't worry, it's SFW): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8vINCq_IAI
For the longer version, we have to step back, take a deep breath, and have a good look at what we're dealing with here.
Heee-hah.
Ready to continue? Good.
Shockwaves thundered across Vikings Nation today as Brett Favre announced he would not be coming back for a 20th NFL season...and then we just kind of went back to what we were doing. I mean come on, it's almost a year to the day that he said he wouldn't be playing last season, and there are still weeks of camp, just how gullible are we expected to be here? Mike Florio from Pro Football Talk nailed my feelings perfectly on the whole thing http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/08/03/our-take-brett-favre-will-play/
Sure the guy is another year older, sure he was banged up at the end of last season, but after sitting around forlornly for three weeks last season until he miraculously appeared...I just can't get too worked up over this. Maybe it's a money play, perhaps his ankle actually needs more rest, could be he's actually having some doubts. But after watching three years of Favreapalooza, I'm actually starting to think this whole act is for nothing more than his own enjoyment. It's like a hot chick who wants to be told she's pretty, you don't why why they ego boost is needed, but you're not getting anywhere without it. The whole Brett dance kind of gives a new meaning to the term "offseason pickup", I feel like I should by him a drink.
So until we know otherwise, the correct internal response is no response at all, but externally we should be gnashing teeth and rending garments in hopes of impression upon our 2009 savior just how much we need him back. And oh do we ever. As much as you tried to block the T-Jack Era out of your memory forever, he's lurking in the shadows, just waiting to jump-pass a wobbler into the arms of a cutting linebacker he never saw. I mean it's to the point we should just get him one of those Jedi training helmets from Star Wars and tell him to use The Force, because the only thing less trustworthy than a Brett Favre statement is a Tarvaris Jackson read.
And that's really the only thing that bothers me here, the lingering thought in the back of my head that this is EXACTLY how karma works when you're a Vikings fan. We snag the iconic QB of our largest rival, laugh our asses off as he whips them twice and wins the division, spend a whole offseason smugly licking our chops for round two...and then the rug gets yanked out from under us. Again, I don't think it WILL happen, but IF it happened, who better than Brett Favre to deliver the death blow? Who better than the face of Packer lore, coming grimly to tear our hearts out one more time? It wouldn't be just the loss of the coming season either. It will be the fact that the team wasted another two years not trying to find a QB, while playing just well enough to get Brad Childress extended, but not winning it all.
I'm honestly alright at the moment, but after a preseason game or two, it's pretty much a lock I wake up at least once, drenched in sweat and screaming, following a dream about T-Jack standing on a podium taking questions at the 2013 Vikings training camp.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horror.
But hey, then I'll just remind myself not to worry, the hero on the white horse will be back soon, and hope will once again return to Loserville, at least for a little while.
That single word, though often misspelled, elicits an instant reaction from any sports fan. Be it a wry smile, chuckle, or grimace of disgust, hearing the man's name spoken out loud, particularly when NFL training camp is underway, is going to draw a response. Given the events of today, that's only going to become more true in the coming weeks and months.
The old gunslinger is at it again, hitting the Internet so hard you would've thought it owed him money. One simple 3-word text message, insinuating what exactly is unclear, has literally set the world atwitter with speculation that he will once again retire, and that this time that retirement will stick. My initial reaction can be summed up quite simply here (don't worry, it's SFW): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8vINCq_IAI
For the longer version, we have to step back, take a deep breath, and have a good look at what we're dealing with here.
Heee-hah.
Ready to continue? Good.
Shockwaves thundered across Vikings Nation today as Brett Favre announced he would not be coming back for a 20th NFL season...and then we just kind of went back to what we were doing. I mean come on, it's almost a year to the day that he said he wouldn't be playing last season, and there are still weeks of camp, just how gullible are we expected to be here? Mike Florio from Pro Football Talk nailed my feelings perfectly on the whole thing http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/08/03/our-take-brett-favre-will-play/
Sure the guy is another year older, sure he was banged up at the end of last season, but after sitting around forlornly for three weeks last season until he miraculously appeared...I just can't get too worked up over this. Maybe it's a money play, perhaps his ankle actually needs more rest, could be he's actually having some doubts. But after watching three years of Favreapalooza, I'm actually starting to think this whole act is for nothing more than his own enjoyment. It's like a hot chick who wants to be told she's pretty, you don't why why they ego boost is needed, but you're not getting anywhere without it. The whole Brett dance kind of gives a new meaning to the term "offseason pickup", I feel like I should by him a drink.
So until we know otherwise, the correct internal response is no response at all, but externally we should be gnashing teeth and rending garments in hopes of impression upon our 2009 savior just how much we need him back. And oh do we ever. As much as you tried to block the T-Jack Era out of your memory forever, he's lurking in the shadows, just waiting to jump-pass a wobbler into the arms of a cutting linebacker he never saw. I mean it's to the point we should just get him one of those Jedi training helmets from Star Wars and tell him to use The Force, because the only thing less trustworthy than a Brett Favre statement is a Tarvaris Jackson read.
And that's really the only thing that bothers me here, the lingering thought in the back of my head that this is EXACTLY how karma works when you're a Vikings fan. We snag the iconic QB of our largest rival, laugh our asses off as he whips them twice and wins the division, spend a whole offseason smugly licking our chops for round two...and then the rug gets yanked out from under us. Again, I don't think it WILL happen, but IF it happened, who better than Brett Favre to deliver the death blow? Who better than the face of Packer lore, coming grimly to tear our hearts out one more time? It wouldn't be just the loss of the coming season either. It will be the fact that the team wasted another two years not trying to find a QB, while playing just well enough to get Brad Childress extended, but not winning it all.
I'm honestly alright at the moment, but after a preseason game or two, it's pretty much a lock I wake up at least once, drenched in sweat and screaming, following a dream about T-Jack standing on a podium taking questions at the 2013 Vikings training camp.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horror.
But hey, then I'll just remind myself not to worry, the hero on the white horse will be back soon, and hope will once again return to Loserville, at least for a little while.
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