The Final Final

I sat down to write something new about the Final Five, then realized that I had nothing new to add. 

All I will say is, it will be missed, and leave you with the things I've penned about this tourney, and weekend in general, in the past.

Ranking the greatest sports weekends of the year, and an updated trip down memory lane: http://loservillechronicles.blogspot.com/2011/03/final-five.html

Everything I love about the Final Five: http://loservillechronicles.blogspot.com/2012/03/hoops-hockey-and-hooch-2012-final-five.html

March-ing on

　

Loserville reboot, take 12...what can I say, I've been busy.

As the saying goes: Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you. Well, I’m here to tell you that sometimes the bar punches you in the face, breaks a bottle over your head, drags you outside and urinates on you. This is the story of one of those times.

 

One month ago, I joined a large group of Gopher hockey fans in traveling to Madison and Chicago (Mad-i-Cago 2013). The impetus for this particular trip was an outdoor game to be played at Soldier Field, but in general, if someone says to me "20 of us are roadtripping to XXX for XXX", I simply say "In" and worry about the details later.

 

Other than a few concerns about potential sports bigamy allegations (and the inevitable photos of me circulating in a Gopher sweatshirt at a hockey game), this trip was no different. After all, I’d never been to an outdoor game, and a quick conference call with my legal team, made me feel confident that I was covered for temporary Gopher fan status under the "Better Dead Than Red" corollary. It was a phenomenal trip, I had an awesome time…and I never want to do it again.

 

Why did it take me a month to write about it? Well the first two weeks were spent recovering enough cognitive function to spell my name (much less write a coherent sentence) and the last two have been lived under the shroud of a court-ordered gag order. The aforementioned attorneys have at long last come to the consensus that there’s insufficient evidence for charges to be pursued and most elements of the trip can be discussed. As to those parts that cannot, I will leave things at the same place we left them with the Chicago police department, by stating that no one in our traveling party has any history with ritual sacrifice and that goat looked that way when we found it.

 

And now, a running diary of our journey into the heart of darkness, or as it’s also known, Wisconsin…

 

Friday

 

11:22 AM – Rental car picked up, trip nicely on schedule…and now a request for a bathroom break as soon as we cross the border. Seriously? 20 minutes in and we’re stopping? If you’re going to drink that much of any liquid, make sure it’s a Gatorade so you can use the bottle to relieve yourself, we’re burning daylight here!

 

12:36 PM – I forgot the speed limit in western Wisconsin is 65, what a horrible thing to do to people. At least the Dakotas realize you’re trying to get through their state as fast as possible, and bump the speed limit accordingly. Wisconsin is apparently hoping you’ll give up at some point en route and take up permanent residence in Fond-du-Lac.

 

12:45 PM – Car with MN plates being ticketed for speeding.

 

12:52 PM – And another.

 

1:05 PM – Once again.

 

1:23 PM – I wonder if the governor is aware of the highway patrol plan to cover that employee pension shortfall?

 

1:43 PM – Get a text that one carload has stopped off for Mexican food near Eau Claire. And why not, when you think Mexican food, you think Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

 

1:56 PM – My god this endless nothing just goes on forever, never seen a place on the way to someplace else that lacks so much of anything.

 

2:12 PM – We have officially reached the Dells, unfortunately it’s still about 3 months until miniature golf season, what a shame. Urination stop #3 that’s been requested by our wayward friend mentioned earlier, thinking he should get his prostate checked.

 

2:36 PM – Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

 

3:11 PM – Here! Now just a quick jog around the city to get on the south side and toward campus.

 

3:32 PM – Make that somewhat lengthy jog, now being followed by a somewhat lengthy walk toward the Kollege Klub, our agreed upon first destination.

 

3:40 PM – No city makes you miss college like Madison, not even 4 in the afternoon on a Friday and the first thing we see is a huge beer pong game form up a couple tables away. Remember when your only concern on a Friday afternoon was how to stretch $30 to cover a full weekend of drinking, while still finding a way to eat a couple times? Those were halcyon days indeed.

 

5:45 PM – All persons accounted for, crew has formed up, player names selected for gambling purposes, time to head back in the general direction of the arena and see what other stops we can make along the way.

 

6:15 PM –Wandos. Fishbowls. Nuff said.

 

6:30 PM –I am informed for the first time that they do not sell beer inside the Kohl Center. I could’ve sworn they did on previous trips, but that might’ve just been my general assumption that you can get a beer anywhere in this state. First they take it out of the hockey arenas, next thing you know, a guy won’t even be able to grab a Lenie’s in churches or hospitals. Nice work Wisconsin, the one thing I admired you for is beginning to fade, sad day.

 

6:45 PM – There’s a store across the street with a sign that says "QUOR". I’m being told that lights on the sign are burned out and they actually do sell booze, we’ll see about that.

 

6:55 PM – Not selling beer at sporting events leads to irresponsible drinking, take it from me, a guy walking into a hockey game with a flask bottle of vodka in each sock. If they sold beer, we’d just buy a beer, instead we all get to be our own bartenders for the next 2 ½ hours, always a dicey proposition.

 

7:01 PM – A pro tip for the freshmen laughing at my vodka ankles walking in: The patdowns never go to the ankles. I’m told that this is because there was some lawsuit years ago in which a security person blew out their back bending down to frisk somebody. Not sure if that’s true, but if so, it’s the first time in history that a mindless lawsuit has actually yielded a positive result.

 

7:03 PM – Formerly snickering freshmen no longer snickering after we pulled the old "I’m not going to give you underage college students a bottle of vodka, I’m just going to leave it sitting here and walk away, not really caring if I ever see it again" trick. What can I say, when you have more than you need and you see others going without, you help out. That’s just how I was raised, you guys.

 

7:10 PM – Lotta of toilet humor in the stands. I don’t mean dirty language, I mean actual jokes about toilets, serves you right for naming the arena after a toilet magnate Madison.

 

7:48 PM – Badger fans becoming progressively more annoyed.

 

8:05 PM – Drunken Sconnie attempting to explain why Wisconsin is on par with Minnesota in terms of hockey talent. D’ohkay!

 

8:45 PM – Gophers are winning, I’m super psyched.

 

9:17 PM – Still winning, still super psyched, only now wondering when we can go back to the bar, vodka supplies holding out nicely.

 

10:05 PM – Back to the friendly confines of State St.! 20-person traveling party beginning to form up into packs and head to different locations. Missing a few bodies, there’s talk of search parties, but it was quickly nixed when it was realized searchers would need to be sent after the searchers. Cell phones have devolved to paper weights at this point.

 

11:58 PM – Attempts to placate disgruntled parties with chocolate chip cookie unsuccessful, cookie ejected from window at the expense of one screen. Cookie…$1. Hole in screen…$17. Looking down at lonely cookie sitting in parking lot the next morning…Priceless.

 

Saturday

 

9:00 AM – First order of business is to placate the small animal in my brain with a bloody mary, at present he’s attempting to claw his way out. Fortunately this one only feels like a squirrel, some days it’s a ferret.

 

9:17 AM – Pondering set of angry text messages received in the wee hours of the morning by disgruntled member of traveling party. Can’t recall wronging said party, but don’t think it’s directed at me personally, as others have received same. Sluething on hold until hangover is cured.

 

10:03 AM – With a bit of help from the Yelp app, found a great breakfast place with awesome bloodies, a triumph made all the more sweet by the dubious opinions of my carmates. For future reference, "This place looks like a sh*thole" is not an insult, as the sh*tholes typically have the best food.

 

10:16 AM – Aggrieved text message sender not harboring significant beef, just got caught up in the heat of the moment. Understandable, as 20 people not answering cell phones would be enough to send anyone off the deep end. He also conveys that he’s eating breakfast in an establishment that doesn’t serve alcohol, which is just a horrible way to start a day of this type. Should’ve picked him up a copy of my book "Life: You’re Not Doing It Right" for Christmas and maybe this could’ve been avoided.

 

11:30 AM – On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…

 

12:26 PM – Bladder Boy’s enlarged prostate pays off, as we’re forced to stop at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Janesville, WI. Buzz was fading, now nicely replenished, on to Chitown!

 

2:30 PM – 4:30 PM – Dropping off rental car, hitching ride into city, checking into hotel. I love Chicago, but going anywhere other than down the block seems to take 45 minutes, one drawback of staying downtown is you need to get there first.

 

5:00 PM – 8:30 PM – But once you are, Irish bars! Quote of the trip uttered during this stretch: "When you know you’re going to annoy people eventually, it’s good to tip well up front. Call it asshole equity."

Some other contenders:

 

"Well yeah, it’s a big lake, but I don’t see what’s great about it. Which one is that again?"

 

"I’d apologize for getting us kicked out of that cab, but first I’d have to know if what I said was really that offensive. He might’ve just been reactionary."

 

"Did you guys know they have bars underground here? True story."

 

"Big teeth are okay to a point, but there’s a limit. Once you pass that, you’ve got a face on your mouth, rather than vice-versa."

 

"Just tell your wife it’s like going to a destination wedding, only replace wedding with hockey game."

 

"I was told I was falling asleep at the bar. Passing out, if you want to be judgmental about it."

 

9:28 PM –

 

10:17 PM –

 

11:45 PM –

 

(Sorry about that, the aforementioned lawyers really went to work on that section with the sharpie, something about libel suits)

 

Sunday

 

7:36 AM – Ugh, my head.

 

7:42 AM – Fighting the urge to drink a $5 bottle of water from the minibar.

 

7:46 AM – Fight lost, totally worth it.

 

8:23 AM – Saying I feel/look like hot garbage would be an insult to refuse that had been left in the sun.

 

8:36 AM – But no rest for the weary, it’s game day, the reason we made the trip. Time to find some breakfast, bundle up and brave the elements, Let’s Go Sio…er, Gophers! J

 

10:20 AM – This just in, Chicagoans love their breakfast, all my preferred spots are chock full. The alternatives are to eat somewhere with no drinks (unacceptable!) or press onward. Onward it is.

 

11:03 AM – Harry Caray’s, Navy Pier, Gopher basketball beating Iowa, good times

 

11:46 AM – Hangover ebbing, along with Gopher offense.

 

12:36 PM – Hangover a distant memory, along with Gopher chances of winning.

 

1:15 PM – T-shirt bearing the slogan "Cool story bro, tell it again" is spotted by a member of the group and purchased for another who’s catchphrase is "Oh bro". This was hilarious, trust me. No, I swear, it really was. Okay, guess you had to be there.

 

1:33 PM – En route to the game!

 

2:07 PM – Still en route.

 

2:22 PM – Can see the stadium, doesn’t seem to be getting much closer.

 

2:41 PM – Finally out of the cab and walking in, make a few "Roll Tide" joke to piss off departing Notre Dame fans.

 

2:46 PM – Sobering moment, literally, when about a 100 yards in front of us a guy pitches backwards off a railing he was sitting on and about 15 feet onto concrete. Lands with an audible thud. Disconcerts "Oh bro" immensely, as he was the only one to witness (I just heard the thud) and memories of his own unfortunate falls (including off a railing at the 2011 Final Five) come flooding back. Fortunately two EMTs 20 feet away have sprung into action, and kid will likely be okay. (Note: Scanned news for two weeks after, no mention of any fatalities)

 

2:52 PM – Guy in Blackhawks jersey lettered with "GRISWOLD", genius.

 

2:53 PM – Debating merits of Cubs jersey lettered with "BUELLER", consensus is it would be douchy.

 

3:05 PM – Game on! It’s a crisp 20-something degrees and windy at Soldier Field, who’da thunk?

 

3:42 PM – Man is this game slow and boring, starting to remember everything anyone has ever told me about attending an outdoor game for the novelty, not the quality of play.

 

4:15 PM – Wisconsin scores, morale dips, a rousing chorus of "Let’s Go Gophers", followed by an even more spirited "F**k the Badgers" gets things rolling again.

 

4:48 PM – Another Red goal, followed by another, and the fat lady is warming up.

 

5:02 PM – Exit, stage left, now to find a cab.

 

5:17 PM – Apparently everyone else had the same idea, as there are no cabs to be found. We are walking up and down a series of ramps, makes me wish I had something with wheels that did not require much in the way of balance.

 

5:36 PM – When your cabless, your choices are to continue walking, or find a place to have a drink and wait for the crowds to die down. Guess which one we picked?

 

5:48 PM – A Badger fan just bought me a beer. You know, people say a lot of negative things about Wisconsinites, but they’re really a pretty swell bunch of people.

 

6:02 PM – A Badger fan just trash talked me, I hate goddamn Sconnies. Worst part is, my temporary fan contract prevents me from jumping ship in the event of a loss, rather than explaining to them that I’m not a Gopher hockey fan, I just have to suffer through it. Even when I switch sides, I still lose, story of my life.

 

7:05 PM – Cabs, cabs, glorious cabs! Never mind we covered about 7/8ths of the way to the hotel on foot, we’re riding that last quarter mile!

 

7:38 PM – Pro tip #2 for Chicago travelers: When they tell you Lower Michigan Avenue is under the street, they aren’t making a joke at your expense, you can actually walk down through the street to another street. And they have bars on those streets too!

 

8:24 PM – Just had a great cheeseburger that likely violated several health codes, lesson on dives remains the same.

 

9:30 PM – Early exit to get a good night’s sleep and prepare for flight.

 

Monday

 

12:05 AM - Responsible plan for good night’s sleep laid to waste by rambunctious pair of degenerates returning from the bar and making more noise that seemed possible. Resolve to make a $16 screwdriver from the minibar in the morning as payback, since the room is registered to one of them.

 

8:01 AM – This is the feeling that will eventually make me quit drinking.

 

8:13 AM – Anyone who tells you that it’s not possible for vomiting to be pleasant has never experienced a dry heave.

 

8:42 AM – It’s a good thing these windows don’t open all the way.

 

9:36 AM – Cabs here have a $50 vomit cleanup fee sticker in the backseat, I’m about ready to start haggling for either A. Smaller fee or B. Faster driving, preferably both.

 

10:12 AM – TSA guy checking boarding passes thinks I look terrible, also an amateur comedian, I am not amused. Just check the ID and can the humor guy, nobody’s looking for sparkling personality out of somebody in your position.

 

10:15 AM – Why is it the only times I don’t fly through the security line are the times I’m running late?

 

10:25 AM – If I’d won an Oscar last week, I would’ve thanked the staff at the O’Hare Chili’s, probably wouldn’t have made it here without them.

 

11:30 AM – Boarding plane.

 

12:17 PM – Officially behind schedule, due to malfunction with flight attendant seat. Fixing seat now longer than flight duration, seems wrong.

 

2:27 PM – Fall face first onto couch, vow to never take another hockey roadtrip again.

 

Hopefully that vow goes better than the one I made last year to not set foot in St. Paul on St. Patrick’s Day again, the legal team found a loophole, they’re earning their money this month!