No, the reason for the slow pace of the posts around here isn't due to depression about the state of things on the local sports scene, but rather the all-consuming nature of the NHL playoffs. With three, and sometimes four, games happening every evening, it's been hard to find time for anything else. Now that the schedule has lightened up a bit, and we only have a single game or two each night before the first round is over, it's time to get back in the swing of things.
Not to say that things haven't gotten pretty heavy around here lately, because they have. Winter sports teams can't make the playoffs, baseball team is a mess, football team might be leaving town, it's borderline nightmarish.
So, seems like the perfect time to lighten it up with some fake lines I thought of:
Favorite............................................................Line.......................................Underdog
Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo..................................13 1/2.........................Pascal "Jermaine" Dupuis
David "Foghorn" Legwand..............................6 1/2..........................Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo
Norwood "Young America" Teague................4 1/2.........................David "Foghorn" Legwand
Ryan "Temple Of" Doumit..............................1/2............................Norwood "Young America" Teague
(One of the things I like to do in my spare time is create my own Bermanisms, these are my favorites from the NHL playoffs and local sports scene during the last week. Which reminds me, people really need to stop pronouncing it as Dome-it, rather than Doom-it. For one thing, the word Dome carries a terrible connotation around here, and for another, Doom-it sounds far more badass. Not to mention works better with my Bermanism.)
Merriment.........................................................9 1/2................................................Levity
Mirth.................................................................6 1/2................................................Merriment
Revelry..............................................................3 1/2................................................Mirth
(Because saying you had a "good time" is just so pedestrian. It's worth noting that many people don't think Mirth should be more than a 3-point underdog to anyone, this line could move a fair amount as we approach gameday.)
March weather in Minneapolis.......................20 degrees.........................April weather in Minneapolis
(Perhaps the first time in hostory that anyone missed the weather in February.)
"Kyrie" by Mr. Mister....................................Pick.................................."Your Love" by The Outfield
(Having an extremely difficult time determining my favorite corny 80s tune.)
Christian Ponder's career w/Matt Kalil.........5 years................Christian Ponder's career w/o Matt Kalil
(I'm not saying it would kill me to see the Vikings take Morris Claiborne...but it might kill Christian.)
Idiotic pick that makes no sense at all..............14 1/2.........................Kalil or Claiborne
(And now we get to the elephant in the room.)
"Pack the moving vans"..............................One week........"Just fill in the amount on this blank check"
(Posturing would be funnier if it wasn't such an annoying waste of time.)
Football stadium cost - 2007...........................$300 million.......................Football stadium cost - 2012
(And here's where the annoying part comes in.)
Francisco Liriano's ERA......................................887...............................Francisco Liriano's weight
(I know the expression is "Can't hit his weight", but perhaps we could come up with some variation like "Can't pitch five times his weight" for Frankie.)
Actually being there before.............................10 1/2........................Acting like you've been there before
(Which is why I like Boston over Washington tonight and Ottawa over the Rangers tomorrow night.)
Vikings playoff chances.....................................2 1/2.................................Twins playoff chances
Wild playoff chances..........................................6 1/2.................................Vikings playoff chances
Hell freezing over..............................................3 1/2.................................Wild playoff chances
Wolves playoff chances.....................................1 1/2.................................Hell freezing over
(Your move Mayans.)
Seabreeze............................................................4 1/2...............................................Mojito
(Both are refreshing on a hot day, and the Seabreeze perhaps a tad swishy, but if you have the kind of friends who think it's hilarious not to tell somone they have a mint leaf stuck in their teeth, there's only one choice.)
Rockin steady....................................................6 1/2.............................................Rockin hard
(Anyone can have one big moment, consistency is the hallmark of a champion.)
"Man it's tough to find Twins tickets!".........12 months........"Anybody want these free Twins tickets?"
(Won't be long until Dollar Dog night and bobbleheads are back.)
"Enough with the NFL draft coverage"............Everybody..........."We need more NFL draft coverage"
(I could also do without that clock that counts down the seconds to the Olympics popping up during any more sporting events, but that's a rant for another day.)
Rock...................................................................9 1/2..................................................Scissors
Scissors..............................................................9 1/2...................................................Paper
Paper.................................................................No line................................................Rock
(I tend to follow Mickey from "Seinfeld"'s logic on this one. If you want to disagree, I'd like to challege you to a duel, arm yourself with a piece of paper, while I wield this rock.)
Wolves 1st round draft picks on Tuesday............1...........Wolves 1st round draft picks today
(Finally, something worthwhile from the state of Utah.)
A bird in hand......................................................Pick.............................................Two in the bush
(Particularly if there are thorns on said bush.)
Ron Artest attacking opposing fan....................23 1/2................... Ron Artest elbowing opposing player
(Can't believe they suspended him, remarkable improvement if you ask me, not nearly as fun as a spectator though.)
Norwood Teague, Attorney-at-law......................3 1/2.......................Norwood Teague, athletic director
(But I suppose if Grant Balfour can be a pitcher and Jason Dufner a pro golfer, you can't read too much into it. Good thing we have a guy named Kill coaching the football team to balance this out.)
Rick Spielman, Assistant GM - Cleveland..........2 1/2...........Rick Spielman, GM - Minnesota
(Start proving me wrong, Rick.)
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Everything is going to be alright (I hope)
For approximately half of my life, there has been discussion of the Vikings needing a new stadium. It started off idle enough, with chatter in the mid-90s ramping up to a full-on campaign about a decade ago, and finally morphing into hand-wringing hysteria over the last couple of years.
During that time, there was the near-miss on the Anoka County stadium in 2006, which always seemed more about the team thinking it could get a better deal than anything else. A focus of efforts on downtown Minneapolis, where plans to build on the current Metrodome site got scuttled by an inability to secure the required real estate at the right price. A misguided attempt to build a “destination stadium” in a northern suburb based on county tax dollars; the grand majority of which would be footed by a city who wouldn’t be host to the facility (because that always goes over well). And finally, the return to a trio of downtown sites...which ultimately landed things right back where they started at the Dome.
Every one of these course corrections carried with it endless debate about location, tailgating opportunities, infrastructure, and funding plans that ranged from half-baked to absurd. But through it all, the feeling prevailed that it was only a matter of time before things got taken care of. That's how it works with sports facilities, leases expire, economic realities hit home, and push comes to shove. After a bit of hemming and hawing about “misplaced priorities” and “handouts to billionaires”, we’d cave and hand over the few hundred million dollars required to make it happen.
Because this wasn't the Twins, or North Stars, it was the Vikings. The saga that caused this town to lose one team, and have another spend an extra decade playing in a flavorless marshmallow where a day at the ballpark went to die, would not be repeated here. This was the NFL, and the most popular team in town by a landslide. Dealmakers would make things happen to get this done, without the nasty threats of contraction and relocation that hung over past dealings.
Unfortunately, it appears that once again, we're not in for a smooth ride.
Not to say it won't get done, because it will, rest assured. It might be 2017 or 2018 before you see it, but eventually a shiny new billion-dollar palace will be built, complete with screens observable from space, gluttonous food options, and all sorts of other things that will no doubt make a bunch of terrorists hate us.
It just appears that we're going to need a bit of ugliness, some good old threatening and cajoling, to get things to that point.
This isn't a blog about the merits of stadiums, I have my opinions and am not really concerned about convincing anyone who might disagree with them. Some of the spending that goes into these buildings is frivolous and ridiculous, but you know what? So is a lot of other stuff. I find value in this project primarily because I like professional football, and I'm certain that, given a red pen, a copy of the state budget and a couple hours, I could find the cash to pay for it. Perhaps even without any apocalyptic consequences. No promises on that though.
If you disagree, more power to you, write some letters, makes some signs, and dance in the streets when the team finally leaves town. While a bit callous, considering how many people would be losing a cherished part of their personal history should that occur, it is your prerogative.
But you won't get that opportunity, because of two things:
The NFL isn't eager for the Vikings to move to Los Angeles.
If the team and the league can successfully convince the state of Minnesota that they are serious about doing just that, they will cave.
As to the first point, pro sports teams moving is something that stinks, but actually might be warranted here. For the time being, calling that bluff could be a gamble worth taking. The NFL can't be eager to pull a team out of the country's 15th largest media market, even if it will be moving to the 2nd. Perhaps this is a naive viewpoint, and I'm sorely overestimating the importance of this city. But when half the cities in your league are smaller TV markets, and there are some far better candidates to be moved, it is the absolute last option that should be employed.
However, even the last option is still an option, and the fact they may be loathe to employ the scorched-Earth plan doesn't mean I don't think it's a threat. But that reluctance should at least buy time to try a different tack. The problem here, in my view, is that enough cages have not been rattled. While threats are typically not well received, they also appear to be the only thing that truly moves the needle in this area. The Vikings owners and the NFL have been agreeable in their dealings so far, and now it's time for that to end.
It's time for a game of chicken, and as long as the threats are genuine enough, I think the politicians will be the ones to blink.
Perhaps that won't be the case, who knows? In a world where the local hockey team can end up in Dallas, anything is truly possible. We can debate the particulars all we want, but it's not every day that an entity comes along who's willing to invest $400 million in your city. If you want to talk about a proposal that was poorly put together, with too many open questions, that's fine. Go back to the drawing board, find something that's viable, and come back this time next year with a done deal that has broad support.
In the meantime Vikings fans, I know you're annoyed with this, but try not to fret. This will eventually get done, the team isn't going anywhere, my faith in this is unshakable. Unfortunately, as bizarre as it seems, you're going to have to convince them of your intention to burn down the current house, before they'll agree to build you a better one.
I mean, come on, what would Loserville be without the Vikings? They're the crumbling rock that this church was built on. Can't leave, won't leave, now it's just time to convince everyone they're about to.
During that time, there was the near-miss on the Anoka County stadium in 2006, which always seemed more about the team thinking it could get a better deal than anything else. A focus of efforts on downtown Minneapolis, where plans to build on the current Metrodome site got scuttled by an inability to secure the required real estate at the right price. A misguided attempt to build a “destination stadium” in a northern suburb based on county tax dollars; the grand majority of which would be footed by a city who wouldn’t be host to the facility (because that always goes over well). And finally, the return to a trio of downtown sites...which ultimately landed things right back where they started at the Dome.
Every one of these course corrections carried with it endless debate about location, tailgating opportunities, infrastructure, and funding plans that ranged from half-baked to absurd. But through it all, the feeling prevailed that it was only a matter of time before things got taken care of. That's how it works with sports facilities, leases expire, economic realities hit home, and push comes to shove. After a bit of hemming and hawing about “misplaced priorities” and “handouts to billionaires”, we’d cave and hand over the few hundred million dollars required to make it happen.
Because this wasn't the Twins, or North Stars, it was the Vikings. The saga that caused this town to lose one team, and have another spend an extra decade playing in a flavorless marshmallow where a day at the ballpark went to die, would not be repeated here. This was the NFL, and the most popular team in town by a landslide. Dealmakers would make things happen to get this done, without the nasty threats of contraction and relocation that hung over past dealings.
Unfortunately, it appears that once again, we're not in for a smooth ride.
Not to say it won't get done, because it will, rest assured. It might be 2017 or 2018 before you see it, but eventually a shiny new billion-dollar palace will be built, complete with screens observable from space, gluttonous food options, and all sorts of other things that will no doubt make a bunch of terrorists hate us.
It just appears that we're going to need a bit of ugliness, some good old threatening and cajoling, to get things to that point.
This isn't a blog about the merits of stadiums, I have my opinions and am not really concerned about convincing anyone who might disagree with them. Some of the spending that goes into these buildings is frivolous and ridiculous, but you know what? So is a lot of other stuff. I find value in this project primarily because I like professional football, and I'm certain that, given a red pen, a copy of the state budget and a couple hours, I could find the cash to pay for it. Perhaps even without any apocalyptic consequences. No promises on that though.
If you disagree, more power to you, write some letters, makes some signs, and dance in the streets when the team finally leaves town. While a bit callous, considering how many people would be losing a cherished part of their personal history should that occur, it is your prerogative.
But you won't get that opportunity, because of two things:
The NFL isn't eager for the Vikings to move to Los Angeles.
If the team and the league can successfully convince the state of Minnesota that they are serious about doing just that, they will cave.
As to the first point, pro sports teams moving is something that stinks, but actually might be warranted here. For the time being, calling that bluff could be a gamble worth taking. The NFL can't be eager to pull a team out of the country's 15th largest media market, even if it will be moving to the 2nd. Perhaps this is a naive viewpoint, and I'm sorely overestimating the importance of this city. But when half the cities in your league are smaller TV markets, and there are some far better candidates to be moved, it is the absolute last option that should be employed.
However, even the last option is still an option, and the fact they may be loathe to employ the scorched-Earth plan doesn't mean I don't think it's a threat. But that reluctance should at least buy time to try a different tack. The problem here, in my view, is that enough cages have not been rattled. While threats are typically not well received, they also appear to be the only thing that truly moves the needle in this area. The Vikings owners and the NFL have been agreeable in their dealings so far, and now it's time for that to end.
It's time for a game of chicken, and as long as the threats are genuine enough, I think the politicians will be the ones to blink.
Perhaps that won't be the case, who knows? In a world where the local hockey team can end up in Dallas, anything is truly possible. We can debate the particulars all we want, but it's not every day that an entity comes along who's willing to invest $400 million in your city. If you want to talk about a proposal that was poorly put together, with too many open questions, that's fine. Go back to the drawing board, find something that's viable, and come back this time next year with a done deal that has broad support.
In the meantime Vikings fans, I know you're annoyed with this, but try not to fret. This will eventually get done, the team isn't going anywhere, my faith in this is unshakable. Unfortunately, as bizarre as it seems, you're going to have to convince them of your intention to burn down the current house, before they'll agree to build you a better one.
I mean, come on, what would Loserville be without the Vikings? They're the crumbling rock that this church was built on. Can't leave, won't leave, now it's just time to convince everyone they're about to.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The suck sinks in
Recently, the suckfest that is the Minnesota sports scene has been rolling off me like water off a duck's back.
Besides a despairing moment or two in the days after Ricky Rubio's knee snapped, throwing the Timerwolves future back into limbo, the recent run of dismal results hasn't done much to shake me. It's been frustrating, watching historically bad seasons for the Twins and Vikings, seeing the Wild go from playoff lock to total meltdown, and a promising Wolves club fall out of the playoff chase, but all you could do is shrug and go about your business.
As I said, other than Rubio, none of the recent events have carried anything approximating the hammer of say, a playoff choke. None of it has even remotely approached Loserville Hall of Pain status, I mean, how could it? You don't spend a week dwelling on what went wrong in a regular season game, there's just not that much on the line. That sort of lament is saved for those rarefied occasions when something is truly huge, and needs to be mourned appropriately.
But today, I must admit, I'm pretty bummed. A day that should be all about eagerly anticipating the start of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the greatest tournament in sports, instead feels quite melancholy. I'm a sports fan first and foremost, if there's a good game on, I'm watching it, regardless of who's playing. Unfortunately, it can't be denied that having one's favorite team involved ups the stakes exponentially. Just having a preference, no matter how strong, isn't remotely the same.
So now we start another Wild-less postseason, the fourth in a row, on the heels of an uninspiring start from the Twins. (No baseball season can be declared a bust 4 games in, but only the most homeriffic Twins backer expected them to be the cure for our postseason drought, and so far they're looking aways south of competent) The Vikings have done nothing during free agency to inspire any emotion other than disgust at their in action, and who knows what the Wolves even have anymore?
In short, we're likely looking at several more sets of playoffs commencing without any of our teams being involved. It should never be the case, in a town with four pro teams, that all can find themselves in this pathetic state at the same time. Never. But through an astounding mix of bad luck and dumb decisions, that's where we are, and it doesn't look to be changing any time soon.
Sorry for the depression case. Let me assure you, I'm not on the ledge here, but certainly not about to be talking anyone off, either. Suppose it's time to do what has become the norm around here, try to enjoy sports being played at the highest level for the next couple months, and try to forget that's a level the local teams haven't approached lately.
Damn I wish I was going to a Wild game tonight.
Besides a despairing moment or two in the days after Ricky Rubio's knee snapped, throwing the Timerwolves future back into limbo, the recent run of dismal results hasn't done much to shake me. It's been frustrating, watching historically bad seasons for the Twins and Vikings, seeing the Wild go from playoff lock to total meltdown, and a promising Wolves club fall out of the playoff chase, but all you could do is shrug and go about your business.
As I said, other than Rubio, none of the recent events have carried anything approximating the hammer of say, a playoff choke. None of it has even remotely approached Loserville Hall of Pain status, I mean, how could it? You don't spend a week dwelling on what went wrong in a regular season game, there's just not that much on the line. That sort of lament is saved for those rarefied occasions when something is truly huge, and needs to be mourned appropriately.
But today, I must admit, I'm pretty bummed. A day that should be all about eagerly anticipating the start of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the greatest tournament in sports, instead feels quite melancholy. I'm a sports fan first and foremost, if there's a good game on, I'm watching it, regardless of who's playing. Unfortunately, it can't be denied that having one's favorite team involved ups the stakes exponentially. Just having a preference, no matter how strong, isn't remotely the same.
So now we start another Wild-less postseason, the fourth in a row, on the heels of an uninspiring start from the Twins. (No baseball season can be declared a bust 4 games in, but only the most homeriffic Twins backer expected them to be the cure for our postseason drought, and so far they're looking aways south of competent) The Vikings have done nothing during free agency to inspire any emotion other than disgust at their in action, and who knows what the Wolves even have anymore?
In short, we're likely looking at several more sets of playoffs commencing without any of our teams being involved. It should never be the case, in a town with four pro teams, that all can find themselves in this pathetic state at the same time. Never. But through an astounding mix of bad luck and dumb decisions, that's where we are, and it doesn't look to be changing any time soon.
Sorry for the depression case. Let me assure you, I'm not on the ledge here, but certainly not about to be talking anyone off, either. Suppose it's time to do what has become the norm around here, try to enjoy sports being played at the highest level for the next couple months, and try to forget that's a level the local teams haven't approached lately.
Damn I wish I was going to a Wild game tonight.
Friday, April 6, 2012
2012 Twins Over/Unders
Well, it’s that time of year again, time to put down some predictions on paper for how the Twins season will unfold. As I wrote last month, there’s really not much expected out of this year’s edition, given the presence of an imposing Tigers team and several pitchers who are about as exciting as frozen waffles. Plain, no syrup.
But these are the Twins, and it must be said that they have on occasional beaten expectations quite significantly. Unlike the other teams in town, who always seem to barely meet them or fall woefully short. It’s true that last year’s 99-loss version was a bit of a debacle, but these are the worst-to-first Twins we’re talking about here, and anything is possible when they take the field. (Theoretically at least, from a gambling standpoint, it’s best to stick with the assumption that they’ll suck. Hope costs nothing, just don’t use it as the basis for wagering.)
As we kick off this season, with the moderate hope of a return to respectability, can we find some things to get fired up about? Some kind of positivity to cling to? Sure we can, and it starts with quite a few guys who have proven track records of success…albeit none of it coming very recently. The other day, I was mocked by some friends after insinuating there were some reasons for optimism surrounding this club. They’ve apparently branded me as incapable of positivity when it comes to the local sports teams, a charge I resent deeply and feel is entirely undeserved.
After all, who could possibly be more capable of positivity than a guy who’s been repeatedly kicked in his figurative seeds by the teams he loves, yet keeps coming back? By definition you need some deep well of inner sanguinity (some may say delusion) just to keep picking yourself up off the mat and talking yourself into the possibility of success year after year. Sure, I may turn on teams viciously once they fall short of my expectations, but that’s only because it stings so deeply to see something you’ve poured your heart into end up being such a colossal disappointment. I’d assume it’s a lot like raising children in that regard.
But now is not the time to dwell on the failures of yesteryear, in fact it’s not even the time to dwell on the failures of yestermonth or yesterweek. In Loserville, we keep plowing ahead. Once you’ve walked this far into the desert, there’s no turning back, you just have to keep hoping the salvation lies over the next dune! Or maybe the next couple of dunes in this case, it’s gotta be out there someplace, just keep walking, trust me.
With that, the Over/Unders for your 2012 Minnesota Twins:
Wins – 81 (Over)
Starting with the big one first, and I have them at just over, with a 83-79 finish. Suppose that’s optimism, but doesn’t really feel like it. On the other hand, calling the playoffs definitely feels like delusion, so I suppose it qualifies. Vegas currently has the team at 73 ½ wins for their over/under, so perhaps this is a case where optimism could be profitable. Then again, getting back to the multitude of ‘Ifs’ plaguing this roster, the wager certainly wouldn’t be sizeable.
Joe Mauer plate appearances – 550 (Over)
Joe Mauer batting average – .325 (Over)
Joe Mauer home runs – 12 (Push)
I’m all in on a Joe Mauer resurgence, as you kind of have to be if you’re thinking this will be an above-.500 ballclub. For context, his last 5 years of plate appearances have been 471, 633, 606, 584 and 333; it appears that 130 games is the magic number, and the Twins will need at least that out of him to be decent. Mauer has also hit over .325 in 4 of the last 6 seasons, so that seems like a lock if he’s healthy. The home runs probably will never come in Target Field, but that’s okay when you consider….
Times Scott Baker and Matt Capps will make me want to pour gasoline over something and light it on fire – 25 1/2 (Over)
Went with the symbolic imagery there, intended to invoke what they do to the team’s chances of winning on a regular basis. Ironically, this one might finish under due to the fact that they’re both performing so poorly, the opportunities for disappointment might not be there. Baker is nursing a sore elbow and Capps is nursing the fact that he’s Matt Capps. Could be that one never pitches and the other pitches his way out of the closer’s role quickly. Also ironic (or is it tragic?), both of these guys are on my fantasy baseball team, not sure how that happened.
Games attended, pre All-Star break: 5 (Over)
Games attended, post All-Star break/free tickets: 3 (Over)
Games attended, post All-Star break/paid tickets: 1 (Under)
I believe this one explains itself. Random tickets should be blowing down First Avenue by September, just snatch one off the ground and head into the park.
Justin Morneau plate appearances – 500 (Over)
Justin Morneaue batting average – .300 (Over)
Justin Morneau home runs – 25 (Over)
Again, do you see how optimistic I can be? Or maybe this is just hope overruling sense, but I don’t care. Please let the old Morneau be back, please, please, please, please, please…
Carl Pavano ERA – 4.00 (Over)
Straight ball, they hit it very much. If it’s under 3.00, I’ll buy you an SUV.
Frank Liriano Wins – 13 (Hmm…contract year says yes…history as a head case says no…screw it, Over)
But just barely, something like 14-9 sounds right, followed by him getting grossly overpaid, lazing around all winter and coming into spring training with his new team throwing 83 MPH fastballs. Gotta love those rites of spring.
Phantom Scott Baker injuries – 5 (Over)
Kind of cheating here, we’re already at 1.
Times Twins fans bitch about Delmon Young being lost for nothing, despite totally loathing him almost the entire time he was here – 1 million (Over)
Way, way over. Although they won't miss the old horse-on-rollerskates act he employed in playing the outfield. Sadly, there are no videos of Delmon fielding on YouTube (incidentally, top 2 results are "DY throws bat at umpire" and "DY kicks catcher"), so you need to just cherish the memories. If any such video does exist, I demand that someone put it to this music immediately. Then I can watch it, and laugh uproariously.
Times I exclaim angrily "Why is it we're the one team in baseball that can't develop a single decent middle infielder?" - 50 (Over)
38-year old guy (refusing to learn his name, since he probably won't be here next season) is a -125 favorite to be better than Adam Everett. And that ain't sayin much.
Alex Burnett appearances required before the Twins decided a "Alex Burnett Batting Helmet Night" promo is wise to protect fans in the outfield - 10 (Under)
Time to try out some slogans...
Alex Burnett: What happens when "Hard thrower" and "Pitches to contact collide"
Alex Burnett: He was good for awhile that one month that one season
Alex Burnett: It was either him or Ron Mahay
Alex Burnett: Incoming!
Think it's safe to say that what the pitching staff lacks in talent, it makes up for in scapegoat potential.
Trips to Target Field it will take to remember why not of this stuff really bothers me: 1 (Push)
Happy Baseball Season folks.
But these are the Twins, and it must be said that they have on occasional beaten expectations quite significantly. Unlike the other teams in town, who always seem to barely meet them or fall woefully short. It’s true that last year’s 99-loss version was a bit of a debacle, but these are the worst-to-first Twins we’re talking about here, and anything is possible when they take the field. (Theoretically at least, from a gambling standpoint, it’s best to stick with the assumption that they’ll suck. Hope costs nothing, just don’t use it as the basis for wagering.)
As we kick off this season, with the moderate hope of a return to respectability, can we find some things to get fired up about? Some kind of positivity to cling to? Sure we can, and it starts with quite a few guys who have proven track records of success…albeit none of it coming very recently. The other day, I was mocked by some friends after insinuating there were some reasons for optimism surrounding this club. They’ve apparently branded me as incapable of positivity when it comes to the local sports teams, a charge I resent deeply and feel is entirely undeserved.
After all, who could possibly be more capable of positivity than a guy who’s been repeatedly kicked in his figurative seeds by the teams he loves, yet keeps coming back? By definition you need some deep well of inner sanguinity (some may say delusion) just to keep picking yourself up off the mat and talking yourself into the possibility of success year after year. Sure, I may turn on teams viciously once they fall short of my expectations, but that’s only because it stings so deeply to see something you’ve poured your heart into end up being such a colossal disappointment. I’d assume it’s a lot like raising children in that regard.
But now is not the time to dwell on the failures of yesteryear, in fact it’s not even the time to dwell on the failures of yestermonth or yesterweek. In Loserville, we keep plowing ahead. Once you’ve walked this far into the desert, there’s no turning back, you just have to keep hoping the salvation lies over the next dune! Or maybe the next couple of dunes in this case, it’s gotta be out there someplace, just keep walking, trust me.
With that, the Over/Unders for your 2012 Minnesota Twins:
Wins – 81 (Over)
Starting with the big one first, and I have them at just over, with a 83-79 finish. Suppose that’s optimism, but doesn’t really feel like it. On the other hand, calling the playoffs definitely feels like delusion, so I suppose it qualifies. Vegas currently has the team at 73 ½ wins for their over/under, so perhaps this is a case where optimism could be profitable. Then again, getting back to the multitude of ‘Ifs’ plaguing this roster, the wager certainly wouldn’t be sizeable.
Joe Mauer plate appearances – 550 (Over)
Joe Mauer batting average – .325 (Over)
Joe Mauer home runs – 12 (Push)
I’m all in on a Joe Mauer resurgence, as you kind of have to be if you’re thinking this will be an above-.500 ballclub. For context, his last 5 years of plate appearances have been 471, 633, 606, 584 and 333; it appears that 130 games is the magic number, and the Twins will need at least that out of him to be decent. Mauer has also hit over .325 in 4 of the last 6 seasons, so that seems like a lock if he’s healthy. The home runs probably will never come in Target Field, but that’s okay when you consider….
Times Scott Baker and Matt Capps will make me want to pour gasoline over something and light it on fire – 25 1/2 (Over)
Went with the symbolic imagery there, intended to invoke what they do to the team’s chances of winning on a regular basis. Ironically, this one might finish under due to the fact that they’re both performing so poorly, the opportunities for disappointment might not be there. Baker is nursing a sore elbow and Capps is nursing the fact that he’s Matt Capps. Could be that one never pitches and the other pitches his way out of the closer’s role quickly. Also ironic (or is it tragic?), both of these guys are on my fantasy baseball team, not sure how that happened.
Games attended, pre All-Star break: 5 (Over)
Games attended, post All-Star break/free tickets: 3 (Over)
Games attended, post All-Star break/paid tickets: 1 (Under)
I believe this one explains itself. Random tickets should be blowing down First Avenue by September, just snatch one off the ground and head into the park.
Justin Morneau plate appearances – 500 (Over)
Justin Morneaue batting average – .300 (Over)
Justin Morneau home runs – 25 (Over)
Again, do you see how optimistic I can be? Or maybe this is just hope overruling sense, but I don’t care. Please let the old Morneau be back, please, please, please, please, please…
Carl Pavano ERA – 4.00 (Over)
Straight ball, they hit it very much. If it’s under 3.00, I’ll buy you an SUV.
Frank Liriano Wins – 13 (Hmm…contract year says yes…history as a head case says no…screw it, Over)
But just barely, something like 14-9 sounds right, followed by him getting grossly overpaid, lazing around all winter and coming into spring training with his new team throwing 83 MPH fastballs. Gotta love those rites of spring.
Phantom Scott Baker injuries – 5 (Over)
Kind of cheating here, we’re already at 1.
Times Twins fans bitch about Delmon Young being lost for nothing, despite totally loathing him almost the entire time he was here – 1 million (Over)
Way, way over. Although they won't miss the old horse-on-rollerskates act he employed in playing the outfield. Sadly, there are no videos of Delmon fielding on YouTube (incidentally, top 2 results are "DY throws bat at umpire" and "DY kicks catcher"), so you need to just cherish the memories. If any such video does exist, I demand that someone put it to this music immediately. Then I can watch it, and laugh uproariously.
Times I exclaim angrily "Why is it we're the one team in baseball that can't develop a single decent middle infielder?" - 50 (Over)
38-year old guy (refusing to learn his name, since he probably won't be here next season) is a -125 favorite to be better than Adam Everett. And that ain't sayin much.
Alex Burnett appearances required before the Twins decided a "Alex Burnett Batting Helmet Night" promo is wise to protect fans in the outfield - 10 (Under)
Time to try out some slogans...
Alex Burnett: What happens when "Hard thrower" and "Pitches to contact collide"
Alex Burnett: He was good for awhile that one month that one season
Alex Burnett: It was either him or Ron Mahay
Alex Burnett: Incoming!
Think it's safe to say that what the pitching staff lacks in talent, it makes up for in scapegoat potential.
Trips to Target Field it will take to remember why not of this stuff really bothers me: 1 (Push)
Happy Baseball Season folks.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The 2012 Frozen Four: Stuck between a Gopher and a hard place
My how the tables have turned.
It seemed like only yesterday I was the one gearing up to watch my team in the Frozen Four, in a hometown setting no less, with thousands of my green-clad brethren. Now, a year after choking away that tourney as prohibitive favorites, I'm forced to endure the ignominy of watching not only one of, but the two teams I hate most in college hockey tangle in Thursday night's semifinal.
I want the power to go out.
I want the ice to melt.
I want anything to happen that will keep either Boston College or Minnesota from advancing to the season's final game. Because as we all know, this is the true final, the winner will be national champions again, and after all the torment I've endured, that just sucks.
This is not to say that these two teams don't deserve to be here, they were the best in the game for large portions of the season, and the best by a wide margin when it truly mattered. It's just that after years of being surrounded by Gopher fans, and having my heart ripped out by BC teams, I f*cking hate both of these schools. Usually the only people that will be happier than me to see the Gophers miss on a national title would be anyone with on-street parking in Dinkytown, but having to watch BC hoist another? That might be just as bad.
Not sure what to do here, can't root, don't even want to watch. But I will, because I can't help myself, so the question is, which is the greater of these two evils?
None of this is to be taken as personal, because it certainly isn't. There have only been a few Gopher fans in my life that I wanted to pummel in to dust, and it's been years since I felt that way about any of them. Most importantly, I've always restrained myself. As a matter of fact, just about all of my friends are Gopher fans. Not only do we share 99% common ground when rooting on Minnesota sports teams, but I'd do just about anything for them, up to and including giving up a kidney if the situation called for it. Let's not confuse people with fans here.
I'm also aware, and have stated more than once in this space, that every fanbase has it's annoying and embarrassing members. I know there's been more than one occasion when the actions of a fellow North Dakota fan have made me cringe and/or facepalm. I mean who can forget this classic? That's that's the number one result on YouTube when you type in "North Dakota fan", quite the proud legacy.
But with that said, there's one overwhelming reason why I have trouble jumping on board and back the maroon-and-gold against BC: Gopher hockey fans are a bunch of cunts.
Now I know that some people chafe at that word, particularly women, so I first want to say to the female readers of this blog (all three of you) there is no gender connotation associated with that word as it's used in this context. I'm using it more the British context, where it's really more akin to "jerk" or "f*ckhead". If you'll please read on, I will disabuse you of any notions of sexism that you may be harboring at the moment.
Because I'm certainly not accusing Gopher fans of acting like women (except on occasion when they channel Edina hockey moms when one of their precious cupcakes takes a big hit); if they were acting like women, they'd have better things to do than heckle me about college hockey. I'm accusing them of acting like f*cking cunts. Not to mention, that word has really gotten a worse rap than it deserves, as my pal Jim Jeffries explains (language NSFW, particularly if there are cunts in your place of employment).
Smug and self-important, with an inflated sense of their worth, that's the definition of cunty behavior in my book. Like the kid in high school who's daddy bought him a Lexus, or the bosses kid who gets made a VP despite not knowing what the company even does. They look down their nose at you, make condescending comments about everything but the actual matter at hand. F*cking cunts.
On the flip side of that, Boston College is a bunch of dicks. Just a bunch of huge dicks, rolling into everyone's good time and f*cking everything up. No manners, no regard for anyone but themselves, they'll show up at a party, drink all your booze, trash the place and leave you to pick up the pieces. You just want to crack one of them upside the head with a Louisville Slugger as soon as he walks through the door. Unfortunately that's the thing about dicks, they travel in packs, and even if you manage to lay the first one out, there's 3 or 4 more coming at you immediately.
Both dicks and cunts are annoying, but the dicks are much more frontal (Ha!). They're the guy that will knock the tray out of your hands in the lunchroom, spilling stuff everywhere. The cunt, on the other hand, will be over on the side of things, snickering at your misfortune, then bringing it up a few weeks later in mixed company, so you can be shamed anew.
(By the way, see what I did there? The insulting language is now gender-neutral. And just to prove I have a sense of humor, I'll continue the analogy by saying that North Dakota fans are the assholes of college hockey. They come in, spewing their sh*t everywhere, smelling like they forgot to wipe the manure off their shoes. You have to go out of your way to see one in the first place, and once you do, you wish you hadn't. Not to mention, they've been pounded by BC like they were in prison a couple of times, so there's that.)
So there it is, the battle is set, Cunts vs Dicks. I'd say I don't know which way to opt, but then you'd turn that into some clever double-entendre by saying something like "Oh yeah, I heard that about you". Instead, I'll just say f*ck them both...wait a minute, dammit, this isn't working like I'd planned.
Okay, backing away from that statement, let's just say that for all my hatred of the Bostonians, and feelings that I should lend support to my friends in their pursuit, I just can't do it. As they say, the dick across town is still more tolerable than the cunt who lives nextdoor, so here's hoping the dicks pound you cunts on Thursday.
But hey, given my success in beating these dicks in Frozen Fours, you're probably better off with me on the other side of things anyway.
It seemed like only yesterday I was the one gearing up to watch my team in the Frozen Four, in a hometown setting no less, with thousands of my green-clad brethren. Now, a year after choking away that tourney as prohibitive favorites, I'm forced to endure the ignominy of watching not only one of, but the two teams I hate most in college hockey tangle in Thursday night's semifinal.
I want the power to go out.
I want the ice to melt.
I want anything to happen that will keep either Boston College or Minnesota from advancing to the season's final game. Because as we all know, this is the true final, the winner will be national champions again, and after all the torment I've endured, that just sucks.
This is not to say that these two teams don't deserve to be here, they were the best in the game for large portions of the season, and the best by a wide margin when it truly mattered. It's just that after years of being surrounded by Gopher fans, and having my heart ripped out by BC teams, I f*cking hate both of these schools. Usually the only people that will be happier than me to see the Gophers miss on a national title would be anyone with on-street parking in Dinkytown, but having to watch BC hoist another? That might be just as bad.
Not sure what to do here, can't root, don't even want to watch. But I will, because I can't help myself, so the question is, which is the greater of these two evils?
None of this is to be taken as personal, because it certainly isn't. There have only been a few Gopher fans in my life that I wanted to pummel in to dust, and it's been years since I felt that way about any of them. Most importantly, I've always restrained myself. As a matter of fact, just about all of my friends are Gopher fans. Not only do we share 99% common ground when rooting on Minnesota sports teams, but I'd do just about anything for them, up to and including giving up a kidney if the situation called for it. Let's not confuse people with fans here.
I'm also aware, and have stated more than once in this space, that every fanbase has it's annoying and embarrassing members. I know there's been more than one occasion when the actions of a fellow North Dakota fan have made me cringe and/or facepalm. I mean who can forget this classic? That's that's the number one result on YouTube when you type in "North Dakota fan", quite the proud legacy.
But with that said, there's one overwhelming reason why I have trouble jumping on board and back the maroon-and-gold against BC: Gopher hockey fans are a bunch of cunts.
Now I know that some people chafe at that word, particularly women, so I first want to say to the female readers of this blog (all three of you) there is no gender connotation associated with that word as it's used in this context. I'm using it more the British context, where it's really more akin to "jerk" or "f*ckhead". If you'll please read on, I will disabuse you of any notions of sexism that you may be harboring at the moment.
Because I'm certainly not accusing Gopher fans of acting like women (except on occasion when they channel Edina hockey moms when one of their precious cupcakes takes a big hit); if they were acting like women, they'd have better things to do than heckle me about college hockey. I'm accusing them of acting like f*cking cunts. Not to mention, that word has really gotten a worse rap than it deserves, as my pal Jim Jeffries explains (language NSFW, particularly if there are cunts in your place of employment).
Smug and self-important, with an inflated sense of their worth, that's the definition of cunty behavior in my book. Like the kid in high school who's daddy bought him a Lexus, or the bosses kid who gets made a VP despite not knowing what the company even does. They look down their nose at you, make condescending comments about everything but the actual matter at hand. F*cking cunts.
On the flip side of that, Boston College is a bunch of dicks. Just a bunch of huge dicks, rolling into everyone's good time and f*cking everything up. No manners, no regard for anyone but themselves, they'll show up at a party, drink all your booze, trash the place and leave you to pick up the pieces. You just want to crack one of them upside the head with a Louisville Slugger as soon as he walks through the door. Unfortunately that's the thing about dicks, they travel in packs, and even if you manage to lay the first one out, there's 3 or 4 more coming at you immediately.
Both dicks and cunts are annoying, but the dicks are much more frontal (Ha!). They're the guy that will knock the tray out of your hands in the lunchroom, spilling stuff everywhere. The cunt, on the other hand, will be over on the side of things, snickering at your misfortune, then bringing it up a few weeks later in mixed company, so you can be shamed anew.
(By the way, see what I did there? The insulting language is now gender-neutral. And just to prove I have a sense of humor, I'll continue the analogy by saying that North Dakota fans are the assholes of college hockey. They come in, spewing their sh*t everywhere, smelling like they forgot to wipe the manure off their shoes. You have to go out of your way to see one in the first place, and once you do, you wish you hadn't. Not to mention, they've been pounded by BC like they were in prison a couple of times, so there's that.)
So there it is, the battle is set, Cunts vs Dicks. I'd say I don't know which way to opt, but then you'd turn that into some clever double-entendre by saying something like "Oh yeah, I heard that about you". Instead, I'll just say f*ck them both...wait a minute, dammit, this isn't working like I'd planned.
Okay, backing away from that statement, let's just say that for all my hatred of the Bostonians, and feelings that I should lend support to my friends in their pursuit, I just can't do it. As they say, the dick across town is still more tolerable than the cunt who lives nextdoor, so here's hoping the dicks pound you cunts on Thursday.
But hey, given my success in beating these dicks in Frozen Fours, you're probably better off with me on the other side of things anyway.
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