Sometimes my mind wanders off to thinking about appropriate over/unders for certain random events. This has been one of those times.
O/U Vikings 1st half points: 20 1/2
O/V Vikings 2nd half points: 2 1/2Seems about right.
O/U Ounces of beer the average Vikings fan is going to need to consume after they fulfill their destiny and lose 24-21 this Sunday: 74 1/2
Enjoy the statistical improbability of it all!
O/U Shots it takes before you can get excited about watching an NFC West game: 5 1/2
East Coast games start at 10 AM, might want to find a nice breakfast wine or something.
O/U Hours it will take the citizenry of Boston to drink the city dry of Jameson if the Red Sox complete their epic collapse tonight: 24 1/2
Not a big Red Sox guy, but can't root for the Rays (and their 200 fans) to make the playoffs. It's bad enough looking at Yankee fans while watching games in New York, now we have to see them in Tampa too?
O/U Different songs played on the radio during an average day: 9 1/2
It's just Adele, U2, Nickelback and that lady who plays the piano and sounds pissed at whoever she's talking to. Over. And over. And over.
O/U Minutes that Steve Bartman doc on ESPN dragged on too long: 37 1/2
With apologies to Cub fans, we need 2 hours on that story? Guy reaches over rail, effs up play, shortstop then botches easy double play ball on the next batter, miraculous escapes judgement, the end. I know there's more to it historically than all that, but the mysticism doesn't go that deep.
They had me until the Unitarian minister showed up...
O/U How many roads the state of Minnesota/city of Minneapolis/other assorted government units are going to destroy in their quest to make it impossible to get anywhere: No line
Seven Corners now has 27 corners. There are major freeways that just stop abruptly in the south metro. Washington & Oak has become W________n & O_k. Gotta be done, but shouldn't there be a law limiting how many projects can be left to rot over a single winter? Because there's going to be a LOT. Wasn't the stimulus money that prompted all this supposed to improve things, not create another pain in the ass? For your next trick, how about taking a part of the city and removing all vehicle access to it? Just create an island that only accepts foot traffic and we'll airdrop supplies.
Actually that might be kind of sweet. If you could no longer drive to work, they'd either have to let you work from home or arrange helicopter transportation, right? Seems logical.
Then again, with no regular police patrols, it would eventually turn lawless and be ruled by criminal gangs, as a number of films have shown us. Count me out.
O/U Days after the upcoming NBA season (whenever that ends up being) that David Kahn will be relieved of his GM duties by the Timberwolves: 2 1/2
In the grand tradition of a last meal before an execution, he'll get to pick the Wednesday lunch spot.
O/U Retirement age if the stock market doesn't quit with the"Grapes of Wrath" routine: 74 1/2
Hopefully terminal disease will intervene before it comes to that, I say put off quitting smoking for awhile.
O/U Total yards for Denard Robinson vs. Minnesota this weekend: 500
Huge number, right? Turns out not so much. Robinson put up 446 against Notre Dame a few weeks ago, 502 against the Irish last year and 494 against Indiana. The Gopher defense is as bad as any that have ever taken the field.
I'm starting to think maybe this should be higher...
O/U Times I use the word 'penultimate' in Friday's WCHA preview: 12
Take the over...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
If you're not laughing, you're crying
This is getting comical.
Or sad, depending on how you want to look at things.
Despite my reputation for hard-bitten negativity, there’s not much you can do but laugh about the state of sports in this burg. With the Twins limping their way to the finish line of a 100-loss season and the Gophers getting throttled at home by another “lesser” opponent, it was once again the Vikings who put an emphatic stamp on a weekend in Loserville.
Shakespeare authored both comedies and tragedies, much like the Minnesota Vikings have throughout their history. The tragedies come in big games, when you stupidly start to believe that success is attainable. They rip your guts out and sting for days. The comedies happen in games like yesterday’s, when the team does something so inexplicable, all you can do is throw your hands up and laugh. Heck, that game didn’t even crack the top 100 Vikings disappointments of my lifetime, and was a distant 2nd on the 2011 list behind drafting Christian Ponder.
Reading through the game story, laughter really is the only appropriate reaction. Double-digit halftime leads in every game? Have only trailed a combined 6:51 all season? These are the stats that amount to 0-3? I was convinced that we were in for a fairly pedestrian season, so far it has been anything but. A small part of me hoped they would hold on and beat the Lions, but it was overruled by the fascination of watching the debacle unfold. Having a good team is obviously the most fun thing in sports, but having a historically bad team? Well that’s a close second!
Hanging out at the bar yesterday, the 20-point lead did little to soothe the nerves of the crowd. After watching the first two games, who could blame them? At our table, you could've offered 5-to-1 odds, asked for no points and been turned down without hesitation. Angst turned to dread on the first Detroit TD 6 minutes into the second half, and by the time they cut the Vikings lead to 3 on the first play of the 4th quarter, even the biggest Purple homer out there had to know it was over. The whole thing was like watching a glass roll off a counter in slow motion, you see it coming, but just can’t get there in time. Everything is serene and lovely on the way down, then comes the floor, and it’s smashed into smithereens.
People are calling for the coach’s head, which can’t happen, and shouldn’t. They’re calling for the rookie QB, which might happen, but probably shouldn’t until a home game against a marginal opponent (Week 5 vs. Arizona?). You have to tip your cap to this particular Vikings team, because there were very few ways they could’ve stirred up such a hornet’s nest so quickly. The new coach had some of the honeymoon period left over from last season, expectations weren’t too high, the early schedule was tough; basically the only way to piss so many people off so fast was blowing big leads in winnable games. It really is impressive, in a twisted sort of way.
Now it’s on to Kansas City and, at least as far as this fan is concerned, hoping they find new ways to up the ante. Could they lose 4 double-digit leads in a row? Is the number going to continue getting higher? Will we be discussing a 27-24 Chiefs victory this time next week, further cementing the 2011 Vikings spot in the Hall of Shame? Hope so, because that’s the sort of thing that gets people’s attention. It’s better to spontaneously combust into a towering inferno of failure than it is to fade away, at least that’s what the song said.
If you want to look for a silver lining (I know what you're thinking, but no, I’m not going to talk about the Lynx, not now, not ever. Their existence already compromised one of the TVs in my favorite football watering hole, totally reversing the good will I was feeling after convincing a bartender last week that the lack of a Lynx beer special was sexist. Lest you level the same charge against me, I’d feel the same way if it was MMA, men’s basketball or a meaningless Twins game on instead of football. Now wind up whatever best-of-3 series you’re playing quickly and stop messing with Sunday afternoon.) look no further than the city of Buffalo and Cleveland, long our rivals to the title of “Loserville”. The Browns are 2-1 after a win yesterday, and the Bills 3-0 following their vanquishing of the hated Patriots.
Watching the Bills fans finally getting to celebrate a big win over their long-time tormentors was not only entertaining, but inspiring. It was a nice reminder that nothing lasts forever, and eventually everything turns in time.
Let’s just hope we don’t have to wait as long as the folks in Buffalo.
Or sad, depending on how you want to look at things.
Despite my reputation for hard-bitten negativity, there’s not much you can do but laugh about the state of sports in this burg. With the Twins limping their way to the finish line of a 100-loss season and the Gophers getting throttled at home by another “lesser” opponent, it was once again the Vikings who put an emphatic stamp on a weekend in Loserville.
Shakespeare authored both comedies and tragedies, much like the Minnesota Vikings have throughout their history. The tragedies come in big games, when you stupidly start to believe that success is attainable. They rip your guts out and sting for days. The comedies happen in games like yesterday’s, when the team does something so inexplicable, all you can do is throw your hands up and laugh. Heck, that game didn’t even crack the top 100 Vikings disappointments of my lifetime, and was a distant 2nd on the 2011 list behind drafting Christian Ponder.
Reading through the game story, laughter really is the only appropriate reaction. Double-digit halftime leads in every game? Have only trailed a combined 6:51 all season? These are the stats that amount to 0-3? I was convinced that we were in for a fairly pedestrian season, so far it has been anything but. A small part of me hoped they would hold on and beat the Lions, but it was overruled by the fascination of watching the debacle unfold. Having a good team is obviously the most fun thing in sports, but having a historically bad team? Well that’s a close second!
Hanging out at the bar yesterday, the 20-point lead did little to soothe the nerves of the crowd. After watching the first two games, who could blame them? At our table, you could've offered 5-to-1 odds, asked for no points and been turned down without hesitation. Angst turned to dread on the first Detroit TD 6 minutes into the second half, and by the time they cut the Vikings lead to 3 on the first play of the 4th quarter, even the biggest Purple homer out there had to know it was over. The whole thing was like watching a glass roll off a counter in slow motion, you see it coming, but just can’t get there in time. Everything is serene and lovely on the way down, then comes the floor, and it’s smashed into smithereens.
People are calling for the coach’s head, which can’t happen, and shouldn’t. They’re calling for the rookie QB, which might happen, but probably shouldn’t until a home game against a marginal opponent (Week 5 vs. Arizona?). You have to tip your cap to this particular Vikings team, because there were very few ways they could’ve stirred up such a hornet’s nest so quickly. The new coach had some of the honeymoon period left over from last season, expectations weren’t too high, the early schedule was tough; basically the only way to piss so many people off so fast was blowing big leads in winnable games. It really is impressive, in a twisted sort of way.
Now it’s on to Kansas City and, at least as far as this fan is concerned, hoping they find new ways to up the ante. Could they lose 4 double-digit leads in a row? Is the number going to continue getting higher? Will we be discussing a 27-24 Chiefs victory this time next week, further cementing the 2011 Vikings spot in the Hall of Shame? Hope so, because that’s the sort of thing that gets people’s attention. It’s better to spontaneously combust into a towering inferno of failure than it is to fade away, at least that’s what the song said.
If you want to look for a silver lining (I know what you're thinking, but no, I’m not going to talk about the Lynx, not now, not ever. Their existence already compromised one of the TVs in my favorite football watering hole, totally reversing the good will I was feeling after convincing a bartender last week that the lack of a Lynx beer special was sexist. Lest you level the same charge against me, I’d feel the same way if it was MMA, men’s basketball or a meaningless Twins game on instead of football. Now wind up whatever best-of-3 series you’re playing quickly and stop messing with Sunday afternoon.) look no further than the city of Buffalo and Cleveland, long our rivals to the title of “Loserville”. The Browns are 2-1 after a win yesterday, and the Bills 3-0 following their vanquishing of the hated Patriots.
Watching the Bills fans finally getting to celebrate a big win over their long-time tormentors was not only entertaining, but inspiring. It was a nice reminder that nothing lasts forever, and eventually everything turns in time.
Let’s just hope we don’t have to wait as long as the folks in Buffalo.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thrown to the Wolves
A friend of mine who's been the biggest supporter of this blog since day one told me the other day that he was looking forward to hearing my thoughts on the hiring of Rick Adelman as the new coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Since he's been the biggest fan and most frequent commenter on my writing, I figure that I should grant that request...even though he's not going to like what I have to say.
I try not to talk about the local "professional" basketball squad, expressly because of people like the aforementioned individual. Fans who remain loyal to the club because it's their hometown team, and keep hoping one day to see a payoff for all they've suffered through. Remember what your mothers taught you, if you can't say anything nice, then leave the room and post an angry screed of invective on the internet. Just don't go piling on to a bunch of people who already know exactly what it is their dealing with. When you tell a fan of a Minnesota team their squad sucks, you're not providing any new info, just being a dick.
Astonishingly, there are apparently still a large number of people who feel this way about the Wolves, including many friends of mine. These guys are the ultimate gluttons for punishment. Remember those Samsonite commericals where the suitcase were thrown down stairs, fell off baggage trucks, etc? Being a Wolves fan is kind of like that, only if someone took a dump in said suitcase, stuffed you inside, then threw it down those stairs. The moral of the story being, when you follow the Wolves, it's impossible not to get sh*t on.
The NBA is much more of an ala carte situation for me, like sports sushi. When something looks like a high-quality product good, I sample, but it's not a spot where you roll the dice on anything questionable. I spare the dedicated souls my critiques, because the last thing anyone wants to hear when they're trying to make the best of a bad situation is someone standing over their shoulder telling them how much everything sucks. It's like that prick you know know who lives in California and goes out of his way to alert you how nice the weather is everytime it snows a foot in your town. Sure you can rest easy with the knowledge that someday they'll reside in the 9th circle of hell with Judas Iscariot, but that's a comfort colder than the temps outside.
But since the question was asked, and it's timely, I'll just say they will probably continue to be mediocre-to-bad for the rest of my life.
Everyone agrees that they made the best possible hire. But there are so many things fundamentally flawed about this franchise that it probably won't matter. In 20 years of existence, there's been one brilliant decision (Kevin Garnett), many head-scratchers (Mike James, Troy Hudson) and one apocalyptically bad one (Joe Smith). Even the moves that looked okay on paper, like Ray Allen-for-Stephon Marbury, ended in catastrophe. One of my favorite saying is that even a broken clock is right twice a day, and that's one better than the Wolves have done on major decisions in the past 20 years.
Funny thing is, you can't kill them for their desparate reaches without first noting that they can't catch a damn break. Exhibit A is their NBA lottery history, as this year was the first time that the ping-pong balls ever allowed for a move up. Some of that can be overcome with savvy drafting, but that's like pitting me against Adrian Peterson in a footrace. Technically we both have the necessary equipment, two legs, but that is where all similarities cease. In this case I'm operating with a degree of difficulty called being me.
The 1992 debacle of Chirstian Laettner 3rd, behind Shaq and Alonzo Mourning has been done to death, but there are more worth noting. Glenn Robinson, Jason Kidd and Grant Hill go top 3, we get Donyell Marshall 4th. Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway and Jamal Mashburn, same deal, while we were left with the outrageously entertaining (but completely psychotic) J.R./Junior/Isaiah Rider. I could go on, but I'll spare you; point is, if you look back at history, the players they never got a shot at is a far more impressive list than the players passed over.
So now enter Adelman, who comes to this circus with a nice resume, and should have the team looking relevant in time. Who knows, maybe even make a playoff push in a couple of years? But history suggest rather strongly that it will end the same as it ever has: A catastrophic injury, a free-agent skips town, a star forces a trade for a fraction of his value, you know the drill. I swear I don't go out of my way to be fatalistic, but 20 years of worst case scenario makes it hard to consider anything else being possible.
The big positive could be the ouster of GM David Kahn, who's done a decent job cleaning up a roster that was filled with bad contracts, but doesn't seem to have a handle on building a basketball team. They can deny it all they want, but one look at his resume screamed "3rd choice". Here's hoping he gets into a pissing match with the new $25 million coach, because that'd be easier to handicap than the aforementioned race from a couple paragraphs back.
(Quick aside, Kahn used to be a sportswriter in Portland, and the Star Tribune published one of his old columns from his days covering the Trailblazers the other day, it's a must-read if you're familiar with his work as a GM.
First off, it's interesting to be reminded that he was a sportswriter when so many people thought it would be such a radical move to hire Bill Simmons two years ago. At the time I thought, what have we got to lose? Turns out we would've missed out on quite a bit of comedy. But that would've been at least balanced out by the book Simmons would've written about his time on the job. Calling it a wash.
Secondly, that article is a hilarious read, if only for all the rips he throws at the front office. No business handling basketball decisions? No front office has a worse reputation? Hmm, where have I heard these things said recently? That's right. it was about you Dave! The story about computerized scouting reports is a dead ringer for when you told Chris Webber the Wolves would be a better franchise, BECAUSE YOU STARTED SERVING BREAKFAST!!!
I'll miss him when he's gone, I really will. Hopefully in a year or two, when they hire a real GM, they can keep him on for comic relief. As a matter of fact, this might be a brilliant strategy, sort of a Trojan Horse type of thing. Put Kahn out there talking to people all offseason, make it seem like he's in charge, then BOOM!, spring the real GM on them when it's time to negotiate. There's something there.)
Anyway, to the few people out there who love the Wolves, and want them to succeed, I'm with you. Just in more of a metaphorical sense than actually attending games, getting invested in the team, etc. I like to think of myself as not being too bandwagon, but with this team, I actually consider it a point of pride. Like a dog who doesn't eat his own turds, watching another dog and thinking "Good God, how can he stand the taste!"
But hey, I'm talking about other fans there, not you guys...as far as you know :)
I try not to talk about the local "professional" basketball squad, expressly because of people like the aforementioned individual. Fans who remain loyal to the club because it's their hometown team, and keep hoping one day to see a payoff for all they've suffered through. Remember what your mothers taught you, if you can't say anything nice, then leave the room and post an angry screed of invective on the internet. Just don't go piling on to a bunch of people who already know exactly what it is their dealing with. When you tell a fan of a Minnesota team their squad sucks, you're not providing any new info, just being a dick.
Astonishingly, there are apparently still a large number of people who feel this way about the Wolves, including many friends of mine. These guys are the ultimate gluttons for punishment. Remember those Samsonite commericals where the suitcase were thrown down stairs, fell off baggage trucks, etc? Being a Wolves fan is kind of like that, only if someone took a dump in said suitcase, stuffed you inside, then threw it down those stairs. The moral of the story being, when you follow the Wolves, it's impossible not to get sh*t on.
The NBA is much more of an ala carte situation for me, like sports sushi. When something looks like a high-quality product good, I sample, but it's not a spot where you roll the dice on anything questionable. I spare the dedicated souls my critiques, because the last thing anyone wants to hear when they're trying to make the best of a bad situation is someone standing over their shoulder telling them how much everything sucks. It's like that prick you know know who lives in California and goes out of his way to alert you how nice the weather is everytime it snows a foot in your town. Sure you can rest easy with the knowledge that someday they'll reside in the 9th circle of hell with Judas Iscariot, but that's a comfort colder than the temps outside.
But since the question was asked, and it's timely, I'll just say they will probably continue to be mediocre-to-bad for the rest of my life.
Everyone agrees that they made the best possible hire. But there are so many things fundamentally flawed about this franchise that it probably won't matter. In 20 years of existence, there's been one brilliant decision (Kevin Garnett), many head-scratchers (Mike James, Troy Hudson) and one apocalyptically bad one (Joe Smith). Even the moves that looked okay on paper, like Ray Allen-for-Stephon Marbury, ended in catastrophe. One of my favorite saying is that even a broken clock is right twice a day, and that's one better than the Wolves have done on major decisions in the past 20 years.
Funny thing is, you can't kill them for their desparate reaches without first noting that they can't catch a damn break. Exhibit A is their NBA lottery history, as this year was the first time that the ping-pong balls ever allowed for a move up. Some of that can be overcome with savvy drafting, but that's like pitting me against Adrian Peterson in a footrace. Technically we both have the necessary equipment, two legs, but that is where all similarities cease. In this case I'm operating with a degree of difficulty called being me.
The 1992 debacle of Chirstian Laettner 3rd, behind Shaq and Alonzo Mourning has been done to death, but there are more worth noting. Glenn Robinson, Jason Kidd and Grant Hill go top 3, we get Donyell Marshall 4th. Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway and Jamal Mashburn, same deal, while we were left with the outrageously entertaining (but completely psychotic) J.R./Junior/Isaiah Rider. I could go on, but I'll spare you; point is, if you look back at history, the players they never got a shot at is a far more impressive list than the players passed over.
So now enter Adelman, who comes to this circus with a nice resume, and should have the team looking relevant in time. Who knows, maybe even make a playoff push in a couple of years? But history suggest rather strongly that it will end the same as it ever has: A catastrophic injury, a free-agent skips town, a star forces a trade for a fraction of his value, you know the drill. I swear I don't go out of my way to be fatalistic, but 20 years of worst case scenario makes it hard to consider anything else being possible.
The big positive could be the ouster of GM David Kahn, who's done a decent job cleaning up a roster that was filled with bad contracts, but doesn't seem to have a handle on building a basketball team. They can deny it all they want, but one look at his resume screamed "3rd choice". Here's hoping he gets into a pissing match with the new $25 million coach, because that'd be easier to handicap than the aforementioned race from a couple paragraphs back.
(Quick aside, Kahn used to be a sportswriter in Portland, and the Star Tribune published one of his old columns from his days covering the Trailblazers the other day, it's a must-read if you're familiar with his work as a GM.
First off, it's interesting to be reminded that he was a sportswriter when so many people thought it would be such a radical move to hire Bill Simmons two years ago. At the time I thought, what have we got to lose? Turns out we would've missed out on quite a bit of comedy. But that would've been at least balanced out by the book Simmons would've written about his time on the job. Calling it a wash.
Secondly, that article is a hilarious read, if only for all the rips he throws at the front office. No business handling basketball decisions? No front office has a worse reputation? Hmm, where have I heard these things said recently? That's right. it was about you Dave! The story about computerized scouting reports is a dead ringer for when you told Chris Webber the Wolves would be a better franchise, BECAUSE YOU STARTED SERVING BREAKFAST!!!
I'll miss him when he's gone, I really will. Hopefully in a year or two, when they hire a real GM, they can keep him on for comic relief. As a matter of fact, this might be a brilliant strategy, sort of a Trojan Horse type of thing. Put Kahn out there talking to people all offseason, make it seem like he's in charge, then BOOM!, spring the real GM on them when it's time to negotiate. There's something there.)
Anyway, to the few people out there who love the Wolves, and want them to succeed, I'm with you. Just in more of a metaphorical sense than actually attending games, getting invested in the team, etc. I like to think of myself as not being too bandwagon, but with this team, I actually consider it a point of pride. Like a dog who doesn't eat his own turds, watching another dog and thinking "Good God, how can he stand the taste!"
But hey, I'm talking about other fans there, not you guys...as far as you know :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
You mad?
Yesterday, the Vikings played a strikingly similar game to the one that led to a loss in the season's first week. Impressive starts in both games led to healthy halftime leads, but second-half meltdowns caused them to evaporate, leaving fans and media to bemoan "collapses" that cost the team victory.
Some people are really ticked off at the thought of how close the team is to 2-0, a few of the most reactionary are already calling for the coach's head and backup QB.
My view is slightly different, but has remained unchanged from the beginning: This team just isn't that good.
The Vikes have looked impressive for stretches, and Adrian Peterson in particular has played certain series like a one-man wrecking crew. The problem here is the same one that has plauged them since Randy Moss left town the first time (save for Favre-to-Rice -- Season I), the passing game isn't going to make big plays routinely.
You can do the coulda/shoulda/woulda routine if you like, but the current level of angst has far more to do with opposing teams forgetting to show up early than it does the Purple failing to seal the deal late.
If either of the first two opponents were to be moved back a few weeks on the schedule, it's doubtful that the Vikes would've had the opportunity to blow the game in the first place. Touchdowns count the same in the 1st quarter as they do the 4th, but the fast starts in these two games have felt a bit fluky, and subsequent events have borne that out.
Take a closer look at who they've played.
The Chargers are the most notorious early-season underperformers in the league. They have special teams breakdowns with the same frequency as Chris Cook injuries, so the opening kick return that made the game look so winnable at halftime was not a shock. Neither was the fact that it took them the better part of two quarters to get their bearings, that's about five quarters sooner than the average Norv Turner squad figures things out. Once they did, sans kicker and all, dispatching the Vikes was not a problem.
Similar things can be said yesterday of Tampa, a good matchup for the power running game and suspect secondary of Minnesota. The youngest team in the league did what young teams do, walked into a road game without their minds in the right place. After a half of getting things taken to them physically, they got them in the right place, and the rest was history. Nothing was a foregone conclusion, but it did have a feeling of inevitability to it as soon as they cut the lead to 7 late in the 3rd quarter.
Not to play the "Knew it all along" card here, but nobody should've expected to be anything other than 0-2 at this point. It's not illegal for a team to jump up and win a football game it should probably lose, it happens all the time, and the Vikings had ample opportunities to do so. You can hang your hat on dropped passes, missed interceptions or blown coverages all you want, and a moment or two can certainly be the difference. But over time, all of those little moments form a trend, and all the trends eventually morph into percentages. The percentages say that for the long haul, we are going to see more failure than success from this club.
I picked this team to be 7-9 this season, and 2-3 when they travel to Chicago in Week 6. Two weeks into the season, that still seems pretty likely. The victory chalked up for next week against Detroit is suddenly dicey, but Kansas City appears to be the worst team in the league, and even this putrid pass offense stands a good chance of carving up Arizona. Our team isn't all that bad, they just need to play someone worse.
In the meantime, let's focus less on the scores, and more on how they occur. Does it look like our veterans will stay productive? Does it look like the young guys are figuring it out? Can our coaching staff throw out an interesting gameplan once in awhile? Basically anything positive that can distract you from the fact the division suddenly looks really good, and at least six games a year for the forseeable future will be played against quarterbacks far superior to ours.
Losing close games will always stink, and the comeback here is that these two games could be the difference between making the playoffs or sitting at home. While that may be true, it does nothing to change the fact that the absolute ceiling for this team is a Wild Card upset, at best. Hanging in with a couple good teams is good for the psyche, but did you see anything to convince you that the current collection of players is destined for great things?
Me neither, but that's what happens when you gamble and lose. We had a party, and this is the hangover, you can either go with some hair-of-the-dog, and a quick fix that will cost you more in the long-term, or gut out the unpleasantness.
Put your focus on whether the QB of the future can show promise, some other pieces can emerge, and what sort of playmakers need to be put around them going forward. I can't guarantee positive thoughts on that score either, but I can guarantee it will be better for your blood pressure.
Some people are really ticked off at the thought of how close the team is to 2-0, a few of the most reactionary are already calling for the coach's head and backup QB.
My view is slightly different, but has remained unchanged from the beginning: This team just isn't that good.
The Vikes have looked impressive for stretches, and Adrian Peterson in particular has played certain series like a one-man wrecking crew. The problem here is the same one that has plauged them since Randy Moss left town the first time (save for Favre-to-Rice -- Season I), the passing game isn't going to make big plays routinely.
You can do the coulda/shoulda/woulda routine if you like, but the current level of angst has far more to do with opposing teams forgetting to show up early than it does the Purple failing to seal the deal late.
If either of the first two opponents were to be moved back a few weeks on the schedule, it's doubtful that the Vikes would've had the opportunity to blow the game in the first place. Touchdowns count the same in the 1st quarter as they do the 4th, but the fast starts in these two games have felt a bit fluky, and subsequent events have borne that out.
Take a closer look at who they've played.
The Chargers are the most notorious early-season underperformers in the league. They have special teams breakdowns with the same frequency as Chris Cook injuries, so the opening kick return that made the game look so winnable at halftime was not a shock. Neither was the fact that it took them the better part of two quarters to get their bearings, that's about five quarters sooner than the average Norv Turner squad figures things out. Once they did, sans kicker and all, dispatching the Vikes was not a problem.
Similar things can be said yesterday of Tampa, a good matchup for the power running game and suspect secondary of Minnesota. The youngest team in the league did what young teams do, walked into a road game without their minds in the right place. After a half of getting things taken to them physically, they got them in the right place, and the rest was history. Nothing was a foregone conclusion, but it did have a feeling of inevitability to it as soon as they cut the lead to 7 late in the 3rd quarter.
Not to play the "Knew it all along" card here, but nobody should've expected to be anything other than 0-2 at this point. It's not illegal for a team to jump up and win a football game it should probably lose, it happens all the time, and the Vikings had ample opportunities to do so. You can hang your hat on dropped passes, missed interceptions or blown coverages all you want, and a moment or two can certainly be the difference. But over time, all of those little moments form a trend, and all the trends eventually morph into percentages. The percentages say that for the long haul, we are going to see more failure than success from this club.
I picked this team to be 7-9 this season, and 2-3 when they travel to Chicago in Week 6. Two weeks into the season, that still seems pretty likely. The victory chalked up for next week against Detroit is suddenly dicey, but Kansas City appears to be the worst team in the league, and even this putrid pass offense stands a good chance of carving up Arizona. Our team isn't all that bad, they just need to play someone worse.
In the meantime, let's focus less on the scores, and more on how they occur. Does it look like our veterans will stay productive? Does it look like the young guys are figuring it out? Can our coaching staff throw out an interesting gameplan once in awhile? Basically anything positive that can distract you from the fact the division suddenly looks really good, and at least six games a year for the forseeable future will be played against quarterbacks far superior to ours.
Losing close games will always stink, and the comeback here is that these two games could be the difference between making the playoffs or sitting at home. While that may be true, it does nothing to change the fact that the absolute ceiling for this team is a Wild Card upset, at best. Hanging in with a couple good teams is good for the psyche, but did you see anything to convince you that the current collection of players is destined for great things?
Me neither, but that's what happens when you gamble and lose. We had a party, and this is the hangover, you can either go with some hair-of-the-dog, and a quick fix that will cost you more in the long-term, or gut out the unpleasantness.
Put your focus on whether the QB of the future can show promise, some other pieces can emerge, and what sort of playmakers need to be put around them going forward. I can't guarantee positive thoughts on that score either, but I can guarantee it will be better for your blood pressure.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Don't be that guy
With football returning last week, I thought it might be best to offer a PSA to fans watching at bars across the country. When attending a game in person, all bets are off, faces will be painted, hair dyed, general mayhem will ensue. And that's the way it should be.
But for those of us who just feel like hanging out for a laid back day of pigskin at our favorite watering hole, there are some rules of etiquette that should be kept in mind to make the experience more enjoyable for everybody.
Football is like nothing else when it comes to arousing fan passions. Every game is like a playoff game, so emotions will undoubtedly run high and low. But there are lines that, if crossed, lead to seething hatred at best and physical pummeling at worst.
For instance, Screaming Guy was at both bars I stopped into last Saturday and Sunday. By the sound of things, he was already in midseason form. You all know Screaming Guy, that dude who can't keep himself from raucously clapping his hands together and yelling at the top of his lungs whenever anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, remotely good happens for his team. First down. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Opposing penalty. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Touchback. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! It's basically 3 hours in a room with a drunken rhesus monkey.
Now I'm not saying you can't cheer for your team, I let loose an involuntary yell or five everytime I sit down to watch a game. All I'm saying is pick your spots, and realize that not everyone wants to head home with their ears ringing.
Sometimes Screaming Guy can be replaced by Screaming Gal, which makes things worse when you add in the shrillness factor. If the two of them team up, the hell with it, just go home. But if it's only one, you can fight back, and the appropriate response is to immediately become the world's biggest fan of the opposing team. It doesn't matter if you can't name a player on the squad, clap your hands, stomp your feet and generally act like a fool.
One of two things will happen: If he's sober and self-aware, he'll realize how annoying that is to listen to and desist. If he's drunk (and he probably is), he's going to try and one-up your antics. Either way it can be quite entertaining, especially if his team loses. At that point you're a prick for rubbing it in, but hell with him, he started it.
This whole thing got mmy mind wandering, as it tends to do, along the lines of what other annoying sportsfan behaviors we need to guard against...
Delusional Guy - If you're a blind homer, please realize that no one is interested in your opinion. There's a difference between optimism and making statements like "The Vikings have an easy schedule this year, no way they don't win more than 10 games". Particularly when that's been your take even season since you gained the power of speech. We get it, you like the bright side, now do us a favor and go by a t-shirt that says 11-5 on it so we don't have to listen to you speak again.
Toxic Negativity Guy - The other side of the coin from Delusional Guy, this (alleged) fan tries to downplay any chance of success with statements like "Knew we were going to blow this game" as soon as the team goes down 3 points in the 2nd quarter. Full disclosure, I have been Toxic Negativity Guy on many, many occasions. I maintain that it's a coping mechanism, prepping my mind for the inevitable downfall no matter how well things are going. But it annoys people greatly, so try to stay away from it.
Knew-It-All-Along Guy - The despicable cousin of Delusional Guy, he won't have a positive things to say about the team's chances leading up, then morphs into a Tasmanian Devil of trash talk as soon as they win. This guy not only gets on opposing fans, he goes after his own buddies, trying to tell them he was a better fan because he "kept the faith" and "never doubted them". Nevermind this douchebag couldn't name you five guys on the team, he's now driving the bandwagon.
Bigger Fish To Fry Guy - You wonder why this guy even showed up to watch the game in the first place, as he makes no bones about that fact it means little in the grand scheme of his life. Apparently he's got so many more important pursuits going on that the outcome of a silly little game barely registers, and you, by implication, are stupid for caring so much. Listen buddy, we're happy for you, and yes, we do realize that the sun will rise tomorrow regardless of the outcome. But rather than tell me about all of the crucial things you have going on in life, why don't you just go do them, and leave the rest of us in peace.
First Name Basis Guy - Perhaps this is one that only annoys me, but I can't stand it when people yell the first names of players at the TV, as if they had known them for years. I must say the ladies are the primary offenders on this one, for some reason it must make things more personal to root for "Brett" and "Peyton" rather than "Favre" and "Manning". Unfortunately that's just not the way it's done, you don't know these people, they don't know you, they don't know or care what your first name is, SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THEM BY THEIRS?!?!?!?! Sure, I could just get over this and move on, but that's not very fun, making mountains out of molehills is more than a hobby, it's a way of life.
(Incidentally, one of the funniest football viewing stories I have revolves around the worst First Name Basis Guy that I've ever encountered. This particular individual was also a Screaming Guy, and it's always nasty when these conditions cross-pollinate. He was a Miami Hurricanes fan who apparently knew their starting quarterback, Jacory Harris, quite well. At one point he yelled "Jacory" 15 times in a two-minute interval, not kidding, I heard it in my sleep that night. Fortunately my drinking companion that day was a very drunken Florida St. fan who wasn't having any of it. After about 30 minutes and a couple extra shots, he began screaming "Jacory" at the top of his lungs and running a circle around the bar high-fiving strangers each time Miami ran a play. First Name Basis Guy got the hint.)
Yesteryear Guy - With apologies to all the fathers and grandfathers out there, do you realize how many times you've been told how much better sports used to be by the time you're 30? Rough estimate is 1.2 million, give or take. That's why when you launch into your 18th yarn about the bygone days of leather helmets and guys smoking heaters on the sidelines, I tend to want your head to explode. Listen, it's obvious that a lot of things have changed for the worse since you first started following these games, but what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? How about you have pity on those of us that missed the Golden Age by letting us enjoy the current one for five minutes without a comment about how much it stinks? You want to track down a time machine and that mind-erase dealy from Men In Black, I'm all for going to watch a Michigan-Notre Dame game that mattered. But until you get that figured out, let's confine our conversation to the one that's currently happening.
Antagonist Guy - Probably the worst of them all, this guy doesn't really care about what you're watching, he just cares what you want to happen so that he can take the counterpoint. One of my oldest friends is the biggest antagonist I've ever met in my life. I won't tell you how many times I've physically assaulted him while watching a sporting event, but it's more than 1 and less than 5. That might seem a tad on the psychotic side, but you haven't met this guy. No apology is forthcoming either. If you jump out of your seat, race around the table and clap in my face right after the Vikings get knocked out of the playoffs by an improbable, last-second Arizona Cardinals touchdown, you run a serious risk of getting choked out. Frankly I don't think there's a jury in the state that would convict me.
So let's have fun out there this fall, but also practice a bit of common courtesy and self-awareness. Avoiding these behaviors and others like them will ensure harmonious bargoing, and isn't that really what it's all about?
As my friends know, the life you save may be your own.
But for those of us who just feel like hanging out for a laid back day of pigskin at our favorite watering hole, there are some rules of etiquette that should be kept in mind to make the experience more enjoyable for everybody.
Football is like nothing else when it comes to arousing fan passions. Every game is like a playoff game, so emotions will undoubtedly run high and low. But there are lines that, if crossed, lead to seething hatred at best and physical pummeling at worst.
For instance, Screaming Guy was at both bars I stopped into last Saturday and Sunday. By the sound of things, he was already in midseason form. You all know Screaming Guy, that dude who can't keep himself from raucously clapping his hands together and yelling at the top of his lungs whenever anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, remotely good happens for his team. First down. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Opposing penalty. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Touchback. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! It's basically 3 hours in a room with a drunken rhesus monkey.
Now I'm not saying you can't cheer for your team, I let loose an involuntary yell or five everytime I sit down to watch a game. All I'm saying is pick your spots, and realize that not everyone wants to head home with their ears ringing.
Sometimes Screaming Guy can be replaced by Screaming Gal, which makes things worse when you add in the shrillness factor. If the two of them team up, the hell with it, just go home. But if it's only one, you can fight back, and the appropriate response is to immediately become the world's biggest fan of the opposing team. It doesn't matter if you can't name a player on the squad, clap your hands, stomp your feet and generally act like a fool.
One of two things will happen: If he's sober and self-aware, he'll realize how annoying that is to listen to and desist. If he's drunk (and he probably is), he's going to try and one-up your antics. Either way it can be quite entertaining, especially if his team loses. At that point you're a prick for rubbing it in, but hell with him, he started it.
This whole thing got mmy mind wandering, as it tends to do, along the lines of what other annoying sportsfan behaviors we need to guard against...
Delusional Guy - If you're a blind homer, please realize that no one is interested in your opinion. There's a difference between optimism and making statements like "The Vikings have an easy schedule this year, no way they don't win more than 10 games". Particularly when that's been your take even season since you gained the power of speech. We get it, you like the bright side, now do us a favor and go by a t-shirt that says 11-5 on it so we don't have to listen to you speak again.
Toxic Negativity Guy - The other side of the coin from Delusional Guy, this (alleged) fan tries to downplay any chance of success with statements like "Knew we were going to blow this game" as soon as the team goes down 3 points in the 2nd quarter. Full disclosure, I have been Toxic Negativity Guy on many, many occasions. I maintain that it's a coping mechanism, prepping my mind for the inevitable downfall no matter how well things are going. But it annoys people greatly, so try to stay away from it.
Knew-It-All-Along Guy - The despicable cousin of Delusional Guy, he won't have a positive things to say about the team's chances leading up, then morphs into a Tasmanian Devil of trash talk as soon as they win. This guy not only gets on opposing fans, he goes after his own buddies, trying to tell them he was a better fan because he "kept the faith" and "never doubted them". Nevermind this douchebag couldn't name you five guys on the team, he's now driving the bandwagon.
Bigger Fish To Fry Guy - You wonder why this guy even showed up to watch the game in the first place, as he makes no bones about that fact it means little in the grand scheme of his life. Apparently he's got so many more important pursuits going on that the outcome of a silly little game barely registers, and you, by implication, are stupid for caring so much. Listen buddy, we're happy for you, and yes, we do realize that the sun will rise tomorrow regardless of the outcome. But rather than tell me about all of the crucial things you have going on in life, why don't you just go do them, and leave the rest of us in peace.
First Name Basis Guy - Perhaps this is one that only annoys me, but I can't stand it when people yell the first names of players at the TV, as if they had known them for years. I must say the ladies are the primary offenders on this one, for some reason it must make things more personal to root for "Brett" and "Peyton" rather than "Favre" and "Manning". Unfortunately that's just not the way it's done, you don't know these people, they don't know you, they don't know or care what your first name is, SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THEM BY THEIRS?!?!?!?! Sure, I could just get over this and move on, but that's not very fun, making mountains out of molehills is more than a hobby, it's a way of life.
(Incidentally, one of the funniest football viewing stories I have revolves around the worst First Name Basis Guy that I've ever encountered. This particular individual was also a Screaming Guy, and it's always nasty when these conditions cross-pollinate. He was a Miami Hurricanes fan who apparently knew their starting quarterback, Jacory Harris, quite well. At one point he yelled "Jacory" 15 times in a two-minute interval, not kidding, I heard it in my sleep that night. Fortunately my drinking companion that day was a very drunken Florida St. fan who wasn't having any of it. After about 30 minutes and a couple extra shots, he began screaming "Jacory" at the top of his lungs and running a circle around the bar high-fiving strangers each time Miami ran a play. First Name Basis Guy got the hint.)
Yesteryear Guy - With apologies to all the fathers and grandfathers out there, do you realize how many times you've been told how much better sports used to be by the time you're 30? Rough estimate is 1.2 million, give or take. That's why when you launch into your 18th yarn about the bygone days of leather helmets and guys smoking heaters on the sidelines, I tend to want your head to explode. Listen, it's obvious that a lot of things have changed for the worse since you first started following these games, but what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? How about you have pity on those of us that missed the Golden Age by letting us enjoy the current one for five minutes without a comment about how much it stinks? You want to track down a time machine and that mind-erase dealy from Men In Black, I'm all for going to watch a Michigan-Notre Dame game that mattered. But until you get that figured out, let's confine our conversation to the one that's currently happening.
Antagonist Guy - Probably the worst of them all, this guy doesn't really care about what you're watching, he just cares what you want to happen so that he can take the counterpoint. One of my oldest friends is the biggest antagonist I've ever met in my life. I won't tell you how many times I've physically assaulted him while watching a sporting event, but it's more than 1 and less than 5. That might seem a tad on the psychotic side, but you haven't met this guy. No apology is forthcoming either. If you jump out of your seat, race around the table and clap in my face right after the Vikings get knocked out of the playoffs by an improbable, last-second Arizona Cardinals touchdown, you run a serious risk of getting choked out. Frankly I don't think there's a jury in the state that would convict me.
So let's have fun out there this fall, but also practice a bit of common courtesy and self-awareness. Avoiding these behaviors and others like them will ensure harmonious bargoing, and isn't that really what it's all about?
As my friends know, the life you save may be your own.
The Hall of Pain
Huh, I guess this Facebook thing might catch on after all. Always seemed like a fad to me, but apparently people really like it, who knew.
If you haven't read any of my ramblings before, then you're squarely among the majority of the world's population. I like to think of this blog as the bizzaro McDonald's, billions and billions unserved.
My basic problem in life (well, one of several) is that I'm a huge sportsfan in a town where every team is prone to sucking. The only time they stop sucking for a spell is when they're setting you up for some kind of catastrophic letdown. There are 12 cities in this country that have teams in the 4 major sports, and with apologies to D.C., this one is the worst of the bunch. Next October marks 20 years since the last title and at this point, going another 20 seems very possible.
I know Cleveland and Buffalo get thrown into the mix as historic losers, but at least they don't endure 4 different failures every season. Being a fan here is like being an abused spouse, they beat on us, and we keep coming back for more, hoping that someday things will change.
But what else are you going to do, jump ship? Not an option. I may hate that these teams are my teams, but they are, and that's not going to change. You gotta believe. And you have to find an outlet for the alternating waves of rage and despair, so here we are.
In the meantime, here's a little something that I like to call the Minnesota Sports Hall of Pain, the worst things that have happened since a banner was last raised. Interesting thing is, when I first wrote this 18 months ago, it was in the hopes that we were done with this type of crushing blow. These days, with 4 non-playoff teams in town, I'd kill for the chance just to get back to the big game and lose, at least you can enjoy the ride. It's like Entourage versus the Sopranos.
When the Sopranos decided to end their show with the worst final episode of all time, people were angry that such a great run could have such a crappy ending. But at least you got a great run out of it. When Entourage ended last Sunday, it similarly sucked, but the sucking was expected. Things had been on the decline, like a bad baseball team that hangs around past the All-Star break. The flaws were too numerous to overlook. You keep watching because you're already invested, but deep down you know it's going to end badly.
Vikings
12 Men In The Huddle/Fumblaya/Balls On The Ground (2010) - When your team outgains the opponent 475-257, has 31 first downs to their 15, and loses? Well that's just when you want to hope you don't have any guns in the house. In fact I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Take A Knee (1999) - The gold standard of Vikings futility, at least as far as my life has been concerned, but personally the 2010 debacle beats the 1999 one. That was a long time to wait, how much is it going to suck if they take another decade to get back again? Come on you evil bastards, at least get my dad a title before he dies, 50 years of this nonsense should be enough. To think ten years ago I didn't believe in curses, now I'm ready to track down the guy who hit the ref with the whiskey bottle after the Drew Pearson catch and kill him. That may sound a tad excessive, but things are getting desparate.
41-Doughnut (2001) - Didn't have the rip-your-heart-out factor that the other two brought, but made up for it by being an abject embarrassment. The kind of game that makes you wish your team had lost the week before, for no other reason than at least you might've had an entertaining football game to watch.
Twins
Bumble In The Bronx (2004) - Game 2, 2004 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. The scrappy underdog Twins are poised to take a commanding 2-0 series lead over the hated Yankees, following a Torii Hunter home run in the top of the 12th inning which made the score 6-5. Unfortunately All-Star closer Joe Nathan implodes in the bottom of the inning,issuing back-to-back walks in the bottom of the inning, including one to the #9 hitter, and allowing both to come around to score.
Bumble In The Bronx - The Sequel (2009) - Game 2, 2009 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. Swap 2-0 lead for 1-1 tie and A-Rod for #9 hitter in the previous section, and you've got it. Yankee mystique 2, Nathan psyche 0; it's a shame he wasn't heathly for last year's playoff so they could've attempted the sweep. The Twins playoff losing streak against the Yankees is now an elementary schooler, and he's a mouthy bastard.
Timberwolves
Rush Hour (2004) - Game 6, 2004 Western Conference Finals. A win here could've sent the Wolves back home with a chance to advance to the finals, instead Kareem Rush rolls in averaging 2.5 points per game and proceeds to hit six 3-pointers, Lakers win by 6. There would've been no shame in losing to the Lakers, but when you shut down all their best players and the last guy on the bench kills you? hat stung.
The first, last and only run of the Kevin Garnett Era, this is the high water mark of a franchise that has been reeling ever since.
North Stars/Wild
Jose Can You See (2008) - Game 5, 2008 Western Conference Quarterfinals. Earlier in the playoffs than many of the previously mentioned defeats, but just as brutal, given the circumstances. A Wild team with high hopes for the playoffs coming off it's first division title drops the pivotal game in a 2-2 series, outshooting the Colorado Avalanche by a whopping 40-17 margin, but falling by a 3-2 score. One of the most frustrating games I've ever watched in my life, as the Wild dominated up and down the ice, but couldn't solve Avs netminder Jose Theodore. Adding insult to injury, Colorado got it's 2nd and 3rd tallies only a minute apart in the 3rd period, stealing a game they never deserved to win.
F**k Giguere (2003) - No clever name. The Western Conference finals was wrecked by this clown and his gigantic pads. Sure the Wild weren't supposed to be there, but neither was Anaheim, everyone forgets they were they were the #7 seed to Minnesota's #6. Our guys not only got swept, they scored one goal in four games. One goal. Four games. It almost doesn't seem possible, but it happened.
THUD! (1991) - Game 6, 1991 Stanley Cup Finals. A Cinderella run by the North Stars hits midnight with an unceremonius 8-0 drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Tough to look at this one as too disappointing, given that the Stars delivered way more than people ever expected, but what a buzzkill. I still remember sitting in the basement, watching goal after goal get pumped in by the Pens, it was about as wide a gap in talent I've ever seen in a championship round, if you feel like reliving it, here you go: http://game6.nhl91.com/
So there it is, my own personal trip through sports hell. Frankly it's been cathartic and reminded me that as bad as things can get, they could always be worse.
There's always next year.
If you haven't read any of my ramblings before, then you're squarely among the majority of the world's population. I like to think of this blog as the bizzaro McDonald's, billions and billions unserved.
My basic problem in life (well, one of several) is that I'm a huge sportsfan in a town where every team is prone to sucking. The only time they stop sucking for a spell is when they're setting you up for some kind of catastrophic letdown. There are 12 cities in this country that have teams in the 4 major sports, and with apologies to D.C., this one is the worst of the bunch. Next October marks 20 years since the last title and at this point, going another 20 seems very possible.
I know Cleveland and Buffalo get thrown into the mix as historic losers, but at least they don't endure 4 different failures every season. Being a fan here is like being an abused spouse, they beat on us, and we keep coming back for more, hoping that someday things will change.
But what else are you going to do, jump ship? Not an option. I may hate that these teams are my teams, but they are, and that's not going to change. You gotta believe. And you have to find an outlet for the alternating waves of rage and despair, so here we are.
In the meantime, here's a little something that I like to call the Minnesota Sports Hall of Pain, the worst things that have happened since a banner was last raised. Interesting thing is, when I first wrote this 18 months ago, it was in the hopes that we were done with this type of crushing blow. These days, with 4 non-playoff teams in town, I'd kill for the chance just to get back to the big game and lose, at least you can enjoy the ride. It's like Entourage versus the Sopranos.
When the Sopranos decided to end their show with the worst final episode of all time, people were angry that such a great run could have such a crappy ending. But at least you got a great run out of it. When Entourage ended last Sunday, it similarly sucked, but the sucking was expected. Things had been on the decline, like a bad baseball team that hangs around past the All-Star break. The flaws were too numerous to overlook. You keep watching because you're already invested, but deep down you know it's going to end badly.
Vikings
12 Men In The Huddle/Fumblaya/Balls On The Ground (2010) - When your team outgains the opponent 475-257, has 31 first downs to their 15, and loses? Well that's just when you want to hope you don't have any guns in the house. In fact I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Take A Knee (1999) - The gold standard of Vikings futility, at least as far as my life has been concerned, but personally the 2010 debacle beats the 1999 one. That was a long time to wait, how much is it going to suck if they take another decade to get back again? Come on you evil bastards, at least get my dad a title before he dies, 50 years of this nonsense should be enough. To think ten years ago I didn't believe in curses, now I'm ready to track down the guy who hit the ref with the whiskey bottle after the Drew Pearson catch and kill him. That may sound a tad excessive, but things are getting desparate.
41-Doughnut (2001) - Didn't have the rip-your-heart-out factor that the other two brought, but made up for it by being an abject embarrassment. The kind of game that makes you wish your team had lost the week before, for no other reason than at least you might've had an entertaining football game to watch.
Twins
Bumble In The Bronx (2004) - Game 2, 2004 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. The scrappy underdog Twins are poised to take a commanding 2-0 series lead over the hated Yankees, following a Torii Hunter home run in the top of the 12th inning which made the score 6-5. Unfortunately All-Star closer Joe Nathan implodes in the bottom of the inning,issuing back-to-back walks in the bottom of the inning, including one to the #9 hitter, and allowing both to come around to score.
Bumble In The Bronx - The Sequel (2009) - Game 2, 2009 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. Swap 2-0 lead for 1-1 tie and A-Rod for #9 hitter in the previous section, and you've got it. Yankee mystique 2, Nathan psyche 0; it's a shame he wasn't heathly for last year's playoff so they could've attempted the sweep. The Twins playoff losing streak against the Yankees is now an elementary schooler, and he's a mouthy bastard.
Timberwolves
Rush Hour (2004) - Game 6, 2004 Western Conference Finals. A win here could've sent the Wolves back home with a chance to advance to the finals, instead Kareem Rush rolls in averaging 2.5 points per game and proceeds to hit six 3-pointers, Lakers win by 6. There would've been no shame in losing to the Lakers, but when you shut down all their best players and the last guy on the bench kills you? hat stung.
The first, last and only run of the Kevin Garnett Era, this is the high water mark of a franchise that has been reeling ever since.
North Stars/Wild
Jose Can You See (2008) - Game 5, 2008 Western Conference Quarterfinals. Earlier in the playoffs than many of the previously mentioned defeats, but just as brutal, given the circumstances. A Wild team with high hopes for the playoffs coming off it's first division title drops the pivotal game in a 2-2 series, outshooting the Colorado Avalanche by a whopping 40-17 margin, but falling by a 3-2 score. One of the most frustrating games I've ever watched in my life, as the Wild dominated up and down the ice, but couldn't solve Avs netminder Jose Theodore. Adding insult to injury, Colorado got it's 2nd and 3rd tallies only a minute apart in the 3rd period, stealing a game they never deserved to win.
F**k Giguere (2003) - No clever name. The Western Conference finals was wrecked by this clown and his gigantic pads. Sure the Wild weren't supposed to be there, but neither was Anaheim, everyone forgets they were they were the #7 seed to Minnesota's #6. Our guys not only got swept, they scored one goal in four games. One goal. Four games. It almost doesn't seem possible, but it happened.
THUD! (1991) - Game 6, 1991 Stanley Cup Finals. A Cinderella run by the North Stars hits midnight with an unceremonius 8-0 drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Tough to look at this one as too disappointing, given that the Stars delivered way more than people ever expected, but what a buzzkill. I still remember sitting in the basement, watching goal after goal get pumped in by the Pens, it was about as wide a gap in talent I've ever seen in a championship round, if you feel like reliving it, here you go: http://game6.nhl91.com/
So there it is, my own personal trip through sports hell. Frankly it's been cathartic and reminded me that as bad as things can get, they could always be worse.
There's always next year.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Unpleasant realities
Don't panic, that's what they'll try and tell you.
It's still so early, there's no reason to think things can't still work out. Plenty of time, just remain calm.
Besides, this isn't a surprise, or at least it shouldn't have been, you knew the odds were stacked against you going in. Trying to drum up a few reasons for optimism is one thing, deluding yourself into thoughts of success, quite another.
They're right in some regards, at least the part about being honest with yourself. As for the part about it still being early, well that just might mean we've got a whoooooole lot of bad football to sit through before things are finished.
I offer no opinions, simply numbers, judge them as you will...
1999: As in the year of our lord, nineteen hundred and ninety-nine, the last time that New Mexico State University beat a team from a BCS conference.
0: Number of longtime Gopher fans who can honestly say they were shocked by the upset
2: Number of seconds it appeared that the caliber of Gopher football might've actually killed one of their coaches. Honestly thought we might have one of these situations on our hands, glad that wasn't the case.
39: Number of passing yards amassed by Donovan McNabb in 4 quarters of football last Sunday.
117: Corresponding number of feet
20: Feet from my couch to the fridge
61: Estimated number of yards I outgained McNabb by while grabbing beers on Sunday
1: Number of beer fridges that need to be purchased for the living room
197: Tavaris Jackson's passing yardage
309.6: Average passing yards throw for by the other three NFC North QBs
8: Number of games it would take McNabb to ammass that total at his current pace
13: Number of games it would take to equal the 511 yards Tom Brady threw for last night
187: Vikings total offensive yardage
143: Patriots offensive yardage on two first-quarter TD drives
7,482: Total passing yards in Week One, more than any other week in NFL history
245: Average passing yards per team
14: Quarterbacks who threw for over 300 yards
Infinitely: How much worse this makes McNabb's day look by comparison
3: Number of my fantasy football teams that lost (out of 3 leagues)
6-10: My record picking games against the spread
11-5: My sister's record, using a system based mostly on who would win a fight between team mascots
2.5: Over/under on how many more weeks like this I'll be able to take before changing my name and disappearing to the wilds of Canada
It's still so early, there's no reason to think things can't still work out. Plenty of time, just remain calm.
Besides, this isn't a surprise, or at least it shouldn't have been, you knew the odds were stacked against you going in. Trying to drum up a few reasons for optimism is one thing, deluding yourself into thoughts of success, quite another.
They're right in some regards, at least the part about being honest with yourself. As for the part about it still being early, well that just might mean we've got a whoooooole lot of bad football to sit through before things are finished.
I offer no opinions, simply numbers, judge them as you will...
1999: As in the year of our lord, nineteen hundred and ninety-nine, the last time that New Mexico State University beat a team from a BCS conference.
0: Number of longtime Gopher fans who can honestly say they were shocked by the upset
2: Number of seconds it appeared that the caliber of Gopher football might've actually killed one of their coaches. Honestly thought we might have one of these situations on our hands, glad that wasn't the case.
39: Number of passing yards amassed by Donovan McNabb in 4 quarters of football last Sunday.
117: Corresponding number of feet
20: Feet from my couch to the fridge
61: Estimated number of yards I outgained McNabb by while grabbing beers on Sunday
1: Number of beer fridges that need to be purchased for the living room
197: Tavaris Jackson's passing yardage
309.6: Average passing yards throw for by the other three NFC North QBs
8: Number of games it would take McNabb to ammass that total at his current pace
13: Number of games it would take to equal the 511 yards Tom Brady threw for last night
187: Vikings total offensive yardage
143: Patriots offensive yardage on two first-quarter TD drives
7,482: Total passing yards in Week One, more than any other week in NFL history
245: Average passing yards per team
14: Quarterbacks who threw for over 300 yards
Infinitely: How much worse this makes McNabb's day look by comparison
3: Number of my fantasy football teams that lost (out of 3 leagues)
6-10: My record picking games against the spread
11-5: My sister's record, using a system based mostly on who would win a fight between team mascots
2.5: Over/under on how many more weeks like this I'll be able to take before changing my name and disappearing to the wilds of Canada
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Not a moment too soon: 2011 NFL Preview
First off, a quick eulogy for one of the things that made this year's NFL season so anticipated, the 2011 Minnesota Twins.
In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance, you haven't, the Twins were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this week, mercifully ending the worst season in my lifetime not featuring the words "batting 4th, the first baseman, Scott Stahoviak". The year started off bad, showed a few flashes of life, then descended quickly into unwatchability. It was just that things went bad in all facets, it was that the pillars of the team that looked so rock-solid reasonably dependable a year ago now look like they're made out of Jello-O. Another team with first-place expectations languishes in the cellar, and if they're not careful, this one could be stuck there for some time, ala the forgettable 1993-99 stretch. We came, we saw, you stunk, but we'll worry about that next spring.
Now it’s time for football, glorious football, and just in the nick of time. A weekend of college action, beautiful fall weather and a couple of fantasy drafts has got me walking around like a guy with a harelip. The sun is brighter, air fresher, and beer colder; it's a beautiful thing. Heck, even watching the Vikings slowly collapse last season like a inflatable woman owned by a heavily pierced man can be spun positively right now. Last year we knew the shot had been missed, that you don't catch lightning in a bottle twice, and things were going to regress. We collectively attempted to talk ourselves into things, because that's what fans do, but deep down, with a tougher schedule and player defections, we knew things weren't going to work out.
Did we expect them to work out this poorly? No. Every football season is like a trip to a movie theater. As I’ve written many times, expectations about teams have a big impact on your perceptions of what you actually see. A lot of the same things are in play with movies, a mediocre one can either be good or awful, depending on what was expected going in. For instance, the last Vikings season was like seeing "Eyes Wide Shut", you were a bit skeptical going in, but you were willing to give it the benefit of the doubt based on the parties involved. Before you knew it, you were halfway through and had lost the will to live, only wanting the whole experience to end as quickly as possible. At least you got to see Nicole Kidman naked in the movie.
And yes, if you’re saying to yourself “aw crap, now he’s going to compare all 32 NFL teams to movies in analogous fashion”, well you’re absolutely correct!
AFC West
San Diego (10-6) / “There Will Be Blood” – Not only will the first quarter of it bore you to death, the guy running things seems a bit unhinged, like the train isn’t making it all the way to the station. Not to mention that both end with a savage bludgeoning, carried out by Daniel Day-Lewis in the movie and Norv Turner in the playoffs.
Kansas City (8-8) / “Oceans Twelve” – The last installment was pretty good, so you’re hoping this one might measure up. But unfortunately, like most sequels, all signs point to mediocrity, with the possibility of suckage.
Denver (7-9) / “Twilight” – Twilight fans: Teenage girls who only care about worshiping their poster boy idol, rather than quality filmmaking. Bronco fans: Teenage girls/Christians who only care about worshipping their poster boy idol, rather than quality quarterback play.
Oakland (4-12) / Personal Al Davis 1978 snuff film featuring a hooker picked up on Hollywood Boulevard – Al Davis knows you may be disgusted with the things he does, but he does not care, so cover your eyes if you can’t take it.
AFC South
Houston (9-7) / “The Happening” – A director (team) does some decent work early on, so you keep plunking down $8 to see the subsequent efforts, only to be disappointed each time and tell yourself that it won’t happen again. You’d think you’d learn, but you don’t.
Indianapolis (8-8) / “Forrest Gump” or “Weekend At Bernies” – Was going to go with the story of an aw-schucks Southerner done good, but now it appears that the plot here is going to revolve around a corpse (settle down, I’m talking about Collins). Hopefully the Colts have more sense than Hollywood, and there will be no sequel.
Tennessee (6-10) / “Remember the Titans” – This particular version? Doubtful.
Jacksonville (4-12) / “Outbreak” – Keep Gabbert away from McCown, whatever he has might be catching.
AFC North
Pittsburgh (12-4) / “10,000 BC” – Featuring Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback.
Baltimore (10-6) / “Raging Bull” – Considered great by many, I’m not sure if it moves fast enough to really get the job done. A great performance from DeNiro (Ray Rice), can’t overcome some of the deficiencies surrounding him. Feels like a “good, not great” situation in the making here.
Cleveland (7-9) / “Fight Club” – Solid work, potentially exceptional, but can’t even get a sniff at the Oscars (playoffs) due to the stiff competition.
Cincinnati (4-12) / “Lord of War” – An interesting premise, unfortunately derailed by the shortcomings of the leading man.
AFC East
New England (12-4) / “The Shawshank Redemption” – The best in the league that didn’t come away with the big prize, usurped by an inferior opponent, much to everyone’s chagrin.
New York Jets (9-7) / “Gladiator” – You’ll see why in a minute.
Buffalo (7-9) / “Zombieland” – Looks lousy on the surface, but will turn out to be highly underrated.
Miami (6-10) / “The Deer Hunter” – Chad Henne is the NFL version of Russian Roulette.
NFC West
St. Louis (9-7) / “The Matrix Reloaded” – After stumbling through a rough intro to a new situation, a young QB gets his bearings and starts to do some damage. He’s not quite The One yet, but he’s moving in the right direction.
San Francisco (7-9) / “Batman” – If last year was “Batman & Robin”, the franchise has nowhere to go but up. Won’t touch “Dark Knight” status, but should be passably good, in the Tim Burton mold.
Arizona (7-9) / “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” – You chose…poorly. Should’ve traded for Orton and saved the $40 million bucks.
Seattle (5-11) / “Pulp Fiction” – Not the whole movie, just the pawn shop basement scene playing on a loop, since every Seahawks fan will be feeling like Marcellus Wallace by the time this year is over.
NFC South
New Orleans (12-4) / “Waterworld” – Too soon?
Atlanta (10-6) / Any Michael Bay film – Lot of cool explosions, ultimately amounting to nothing.
Tampa Bay (9-7) / “Gremlins 2” – The rare sequel that delivers more solidly than expected.
Carolina (4-12) / “Snakes On A Plane” – Never saw it, just like I don’t plan on seeing much of this team.
NFC North
Green Bay (11-5) / “The Usual Suspects” – The best in the league, and unfortunately it’s looking like success is going to be a typical occurrence for quite some time.
Detroit (8-8) / “The Social Network” – Everyone is raving about it right now, but I don’t think it’s going to be as quite good as advertised. Still good, just not what it’s being built up to be.
Minnesota (7-9) / “Die Hard With A Vengeance” or “Major League 3” – All of us Vikings fans hope it will be the former, a rousing comeback following a huge misfire. But in reality, it will probably be the latter, same plan that didn’t work last time failing once again.
Chicago (7-9) / “Bad News Bears” – Minus happy ending.
NFC East
Philadelphia (11-5) / “Inception” – Tough to find a better idea on paper, and it looks cool as hell! But things fall short just a bit in the execution, as the plot (chemistry) is a bit neglected.
Dallas (9-7) / “Patton” – Stellar when on the offensive, but it appears the defensive tactics are going to need some work.
New York Giants (7-9) / “The Alamo” – Never have so many defenders fallen so quickly.
Washington (7-9) / “Twelve Angry Men” – …would still not be enough to keep this defense from sucking.
AFC Wild Card – New York Jets over San Diego, Baltimore over Houston
NFC Wild Card – Philadelphia over Dallas, Atlanta over St. Louis
AFC Divisional – New York Jets over New England, Pittsburgh over Baltimore
NFC Divisional – New Orleans over Atlanta, Green Bay over Philadelphia
AFC Championship – New York Jets over Pittsburgh
NFC Championship – Green Bay over New Orleans
Super Bowl – New York Jets over Green Bay
After the way the past year has gone, what could be more appropriate than the two teams I despise most meeting in the Super Bowl? Green Bay will come in as the favorite, but the Jets will sneak away with a victory, leaving everyone with a WTF? expression on their faces, hence the Gladiator comparison.
But hey, that's how they won their first one, so why can't history repeat itself? Enjoy the season folks.
In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance, you haven't, the Twins were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this week, mercifully ending the worst season in my lifetime not featuring the words "batting 4th, the first baseman, Scott Stahoviak". The year started off bad, showed a few flashes of life, then descended quickly into unwatchability. It was just that things went bad in all facets, it was that the pillars of the team that looked so rock-solid reasonably dependable a year ago now look like they're made out of Jello-O. Another team with first-place expectations languishes in the cellar, and if they're not careful, this one could be stuck there for some time, ala the forgettable 1993-99 stretch. We came, we saw, you stunk, but we'll worry about that next spring.
Now it’s time for football, glorious football, and just in the nick of time. A weekend of college action, beautiful fall weather and a couple of fantasy drafts has got me walking around like a guy with a harelip. The sun is brighter, air fresher, and beer colder; it's a beautiful thing. Heck, even watching the Vikings slowly collapse last season like a inflatable woman owned by a heavily pierced man can be spun positively right now. Last year we knew the shot had been missed, that you don't catch lightning in a bottle twice, and things were going to regress. We collectively attempted to talk ourselves into things, because that's what fans do, but deep down, with a tougher schedule and player defections, we knew things weren't going to work out.
Did we expect them to work out this poorly? No. Every football season is like a trip to a movie theater. As I’ve written many times, expectations about teams have a big impact on your perceptions of what you actually see. A lot of the same things are in play with movies, a mediocre one can either be good or awful, depending on what was expected going in. For instance, the last Vikings season was like seeing "Eyes Wide Shut", you were a bit skeptical going in, but you were willing to give it the benefit of the doubt based on the parties involved. Before you knew it, you were halfway through and had lost the will to live, only wanting the whole experience to end as quickly as possible. At least you got to see Nicole Kidman naked in the movie.
And yes, if you’re saying to yourself “aw crap, now he’s going to compare all 32 NFL teams to movies in analogous fashion”, well you’re absolutely correct!
AFC West
San Diego (10-6) / “There Will Be Blood” – Not only will the first quarter of it bore you to death, the guy running things seems a bit unhinged, like the train isn’t making it all the way to the station. Not to mention that both end with a savage bludgeoning, carried out by Daniel Day-Lewis in the movie and Norv Turner in the playoffs.
Kansas City (8-8) / “Oceans Twelve” – The last installment was pretty good, so you’re hoping this one might measure up. But unfortunately, like most sequels, all signs point to mediocrity, with the possibility of suckage.
Denver (7-9) / “Twilight” – Twilight fans: Teenage girls who only care about worshiping their poster boy idol, rather than quality filmmaking. Bronco fans: Teenage girls/Christians who only care about worshipping their poster boy idol, rather than quality quarterback play.
Oakland (4-12) / Personal Al Davis 1978 snuff film featuring a hooker picked up on Hollywood Boulevard – Al Davis knows you may be disgusted with the things he does, but he does not care, so cover your eyes if you can’t take it.
AFC South
Houston (9-7) / “The Happening” – A director (team) does some decent work early on, so you keep plunking down $8 to see the subsequent efforts, only to be disappointed each time and tell yourself that it won’t happen again. You’d think you’d learn, but you don’t.
Indianapolis (8-8) / “Forrest Gump” or “Weekend At Bernies” – Was going to go with the story of an aw-schucks Southerner done good, but now it appears that the plot here is going to revolve around a corpse (settle down, I’m talking about Collins). Hopefully the Colts have more sense than Hollywood, and there will be no sequel.
Tennessee (6-10) / “Remember the Titans” – This particular version? Doubtful.
Jacksonville (4-12) / “Outbreak” – Keep Gabbert away from McCown, whatever he has might be catching.
AFC North
Pittsburgh (12-4) / “10,000 BC” – Featuring Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback.
Baltimore (10-6) / “Raging Bull” – Considered great by many, I’m not sure if it moves fast enough to really get the job done. A great performance from DeNiro (Ray Rice), can’t overcome some of the deficiencies surrounding him. Feels like a “good, not great” situation in the making here.
Cleveland (7-9) / “Fight Club” – Solid work, potentially exceptional, but can’t even get a sniff at the Oscars (playoffs) due to the stiff competition.
Cincinnati (4-12) / “Lord of War” – An interesting premise, unfortunately derailed by the shortcomings of the leading man.
AFC East
New England (12-4) / “The Shawshank Redemption” – The best in the league that didn’t come away with the big prize, usurped by an inferior opponent, much to everyone’s chagrin.
New York Jets (9-7) / “Gladiator” – You’ll see why in a minute.
Buffalo (7-9) / “Zombieland” – Looks lousy on the surface, but will turn out to be highly underrated.
Miami (6-10) / “The Deer Hunter” – Chad Henne is the NFL version of Russian Roulette.
NFC West
St. Louis (9-7) / “The Matrix Reloaded” – After stumbling through a rough intro to a new situation, a young QB gets his bearings and starts to do some damage. He’s not quite The One yet, but he’s moving in the right direction.
San Francisco (7-9) / “Batman” – If last year was “Batman & Robin”, the franchise has nowhere to go but up. Won’t touch “Dark Knight” status, but should be passably good, in the Tim Burton mold.
Arizona (7-9) / “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” – You chose…poorly. Should’ve traded for Orton and saved the $40 million bucks.
Seattle (5-11) / “Pulp Fiction” – Not the whole movie, just the pawn shop basement scene playing on a loop, since every Seahawks fan will be feeling like Marcellus Wallace by the time this year is over.
NFC South
New Orleans (12-4) / “Waterworld” – Too soon?
Atlanta (10-6) / Any Michael Bay film – Lot of cool explosions, ultimately amounting to nothing.
Tampa Bay (9-7) / “Gremlins 2” – The rare sequel that delivers more solidly than expected.
Carolina (4-12) / “Snakes On A Plane” – Never saw it, just like I don’t plan on seeing much of this team.
NFC North
Green Bay (11-5) / “The Usual Suspects” – The best in the league, and unfortunately it’s looking like success is going to be a typical occurrence for quite some time.
Detroit (8-8) / “The Social Network” – Everyone is raving about it right now, but I don’t think it’s going to be as quite good as advertised. Still good, just not what it’s being built up to be.
Minnesota (7-9) / “Die Hard With A Vengeance” or “Major League 3” – All of us Vikings fans hope it will be the former, a rousing comeback following a huge misfire. But in reality, it will probably be the latter, same plan that didn’t work last time failing once again.
Chicago (7-9) / “Bad News Bears” – Minus happy ending.
NFC East
Philadelphia (11-5) / “Inception” – Tough to find a better idea on paper, and it looks cool as hell! But things fall short just a bit in the execution, as the plot (chemistry) is a bit neglected.
Dallas (9-7) / “Patton” – Stellar when on the offensive, but it appears the defensive tactics are going to need some work.
New York Giants (7-9) / “The Alamo” – Never have so many defenders fallen so quickly.
Washington (7-9) / “Twelve Angry Men” – …would still not be enough to keep this defense from sucking.
AFC Wild Card – New York Jets over San Diego, Baltimore over Houston
NFC Wild Card – Philadelphia over Dallas, Atlanta over St. Louis
AFC Divisional – New York Jets over New England, Pittsburgh over Baltimore
NFC Divisional – New Orleans over Atlanta, Green Bay over Philadelphia
AFC Championship – New York Jets over Pittsburgh
NFC Championship – Green Bay over New Orleans
Super Bowl – New York Jets over Green Bay
After the way the past year has gone, what could be more appropriate than the two teams I despise most meeting in the Super Bowl? Green Bay will come in as the favorite, but the Jets will sneak away with a victory, leaving everyone with a WTF? expression on their faces, hence the Gladiator comparison.
But hey, that's how they won their first one, so why can't history repeat itself? Enjoy the season folks.
Friday, September 2, 2011
It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn: 2011 Gopher Football Preview
Ding dong, the Brew is dead, and it's time to kick off another season in Minnesota's favorite ongoing saga: Will the Golden Gophers ever make it back to the Rose Bowl?
This is a historic year in the run of football futility at the U of M, as it officially marks a half-century since the team last appeared in a Rose Bowl. One fan I know is quick to point out that they last shared a Big Ten title in 1967, but were denied a Bowl berth due to a tiebreaker, so technically this is only year 44. Making a clarification like that is like pointing out to your buddies that the girl you brought home last night only weighed 243 lbs., not the deuce-and-a-half that they claim.
So we're going with 50, it's a nice round number that I find psychologically satisfying. Sure it's a long time in the context of college football or a human life, but is it really all that long in the grander scheme of things? After all, if we were talking about a giant sequoia, or an ice age, 50 years would barely be a blip. Considered it in those terms, the current run seems pretty minor. And people say I can't do positivity.
But beyond the easy jokes to be made at the expense of Minnesota football, there are actually some reasons to be excited about the upcoming season. Talent is not one of them. Experience is not either. But if you lack talented and experienced players, the least you can do is hire a competent guy to coach them up, and it appears they've finally done so. Coach Jerry Kill may succeed spectacularly at Minnesota, or he could fail miserably, but one thing is for certain, the man is a football coach. The same could never be said with any certainty about the prior holder of that title.
There won't be any rah-rah nonsense in this post, just like there hasn't been any coming from Dinkytown the past few months. Unlike the Brewsterian one, Coach Kill has set a very low-key tone, at least in terms of hyping his team in the media. Instead of invoking the words "Rose Bowl" from day one, he's saying what anyone who's been paying attention knows to be true: Getting the program back to competency is going to be a process that will take a good amount of time.
Frankly competency is all we need at this point, after some serious lowlights the past few years. It was enough to hearken back to the Glen Mason days, when blowing 30-point second half leads was an acceptable trade off for the occasional upset of a power team and the feeling that the team at least had a chance at victory every time it took the field. Mase had warts, but Brew was a toad, the warts aren't looking so bad these days.
Of course the ultimate goal will still be returning to the Rose Bowl, but in the meantime we'll be searching for any bright spots that offer hope for the future. Get used to the phrases "tempered enthusiasm", as it's going to be used frequently in the next few months. With slight variation, every local team that will kick off a season from now until the end of the year has essentially the same expectations: Be competitive, win some games, develop some players and just generally give the feeling that this thing is moving in the right direction.
The roster loaded with freshmen and sophomores, the starting QB is new (albeit experienced), and the schedule is tough. But after watching what a bit of competent coaching could do ending last season, it's hard to believe the cupboard is totally bare. Even if it is, it's hard to believe anything worse than last season's atrocious loss to South Dakota is going to happen. We'll get to find out what kind of quarterback Marqueis Gray has the potential to be, how much life can be injected into a lousy defense with some new schemes, and generally what a consistent approach can do for a football program.
Perhaps the most anti-Brewster trait that Jerry Kill possesses is his consistent approach. Same style, same coordinators, year in, year out. After several schizophrenic seasons of new offenses, new coordinators, multiple coordinators (Running game coordinator? WTF?), Gopher football might finally stop resembling a game of three-card monte in which the coach is constantly trying to hide the last mistake. These new guys make you want to root for them, so here's hoping they succeed.
Onto the schedule...
At USC
Looking at this game makes me think that Tim Brewster's motto must've been "Fake it til you make it", since the fact he turned out terrible teams never stopped him from acting the part of a big-time program. I could be wrong on this, but isn't this the year that Texas was going to be on the schedule, until they mercifully patted Timmy on the head and withdrew? Talk about your humanitarian gestures. Coach Kill seems like the "we play whoever's put in front of us" type of guy, but there had to be at least a few moments this summer when he looked at the schedule and said "USC? On the road? Right out of the chute? **** me!"
Prediction: Loss (0-1), but the Gophers cover the 21-point spread.
New Mexico State
If I've watched a New Mexico State football game in my life, it was purely by accident. Nevertheless, I'm calling a win, what's knowing the opponent got to do with predicting stuff?
Prediction: Big win (1-1), Gray runs for a pair of TDs, throws two more, fans party in the streets. Okay, maybe not, but still should be fun.
Miami - Ohio
How many years in history could you say it might be better to be playing Miami than Miami of Ohio? Well, that's probably a stretch, even with all those players suspended. Miami-Ohio used to really stink, but went 10-4 last year and start off with a tough test against Missouri. That spells trouble for the Gophers.
Prediction: Loss (1-2), sloppy game leads to loss, it's a story as old as the Rose Bowl drought.
North Dakota State
Payback time. In 2007, NDSU rolled into the Metrodome and beat the worst Gopher team, possibly ever. This year's team is not nearly as bad as that team. In fact no team anywhere is that bad.
Prediction: Win (2-2), but too close for comfort.
At Michigan
Given the coaching change and Michigan's atrocious defense last season, I'd be tempted to give the Gophers a chance if this were at home. As is, I think they're defense just won't have an answer for Denard Robinson, and this game could turn into a very compelling matchup of dual-threat QBs.
Prediction: Loss (2-3), but an entertaining effort that sends fans away thinking "So close!".
At Purdue
For whatever reason, even in the darkest days of Brewdaism, Purdue has had problems with Minnesota. Not sure why, but it couldn't have been the savvy gameplan or halftime adjustments, so why not expect it to continue?
Prediction: Win (3-3), looking sort of respectable, but now things turn kind of mean.
Nebraska
The best part of this week will be reading game previews that say "Last meeting: NEB 84-0". This one will be closer, I'm fairly certain about that, but how much closer is anyone's guess. At least it might finally put 84-0 to rest.
Prediction: Loss (3-4), hopefully not an embarrassing one.
Iowa
The upset of Iowa in last season's finale was the silver lining to a bad season. This year's version comes to town down it's starting QB and several key players on the defensive line. On paper, they look vulnerable. Unfortunately, the Hawkeyes will still have more overall talent, and a most likely a chip on their shoulder about last year's loss.
Prediction: Loss (3-5), but in a tight game, on a late field goal.
At Michigan State
Not quite the history of some other schools in the conference, but they Spartans seem like a good team going to right direction. They return a veteran QB from a team that won a share of the conference title, that sentence alone puts them above most Big Ten teams.
Prediction: Loss (3-6), good team and road game is a tough one to overcome.
Wisconsin
The rich get richer, as our neighbors to the east seem to have another impressive team to add to their recent run. Granted it was UNLV, with a first-time starting QB, that came into Camp Randall last night, but I don't care if it was the Little Sisters of the Poor, the throttling was impressive. I planned to watch some of the game, but unfortunately missed the first quarter, and that was really all their was to see.
Prediction: Loss (3-7), followed by many fans of the Evil Red Menace mocking us poor Minnesotans, our only comeback will be nodding glumly and ordering another beer.
At Northwestern
Hooray, Northwestern is still in the Big Ten! All this realignment was making me nervous, gotta keep some beatable teams around. Of course that's probably what they say about us.
Prediction: Win (4-7), little dicey, but they pull out a squeaker.
Illinois
Even Brew could beat Illinois.
Prediction: Win (5-7), end things on a good note.
So there it is Gopher fans, the dawn of a new era is upon you. The good news is that it can't be as bad as the last one, the bad news is that history offers no indication that it will ever be all that good. In Jerry We Trust, let's see what happens.
This is a historic year in the run of football futility at the U of M, as it officially marks a half-century since the team last appeared in a Rose Bowl. One fan I know is quick to point out that they last shared a Big Ten title in 1967, but were denied a Bowl berth due to a tiebreaker, so technically this is only year 44. Making a clarification like that is like pointing out to your buddies that the girl you brought home last night only weighed 243 lbs., not the deuce-and-a-half that they claim.
So we're going with 50, it's a nice round number that I find psychologically satisfying. Sure it's a long time in the context of college football or a human life, but is it really all that long in the grander scheme of things? After all, if we were talking about a giant sequoia, or an ice age, 50 years would barely be a blip. Considered it in those terms, the current run seems pretty minor. And people say I can't do positivity.
But beyond the easy jokes to be made at the expense of Minnesota football, there are actually some reasons to be excited about the upcoming season. Talent is not one of them. Experience is not either. But if you lack talented and experienced players, the least you can do is hire a competent guy to coach them up, and it appears they've finally done so. Coach Jerry Kill may succeed spectacularly at Minnesota, or he could fail miserably, but one thing is for certain, the man is a football coach. The same could never be said with any certainty about the prior holder of that title.
There won't be any rah-rah nonsense in this post, just like there hasn't been any coming from Dinkytown the past few months. Unlike the Brewsterian one, Coach Kill has set a very low-key tone, at least in terms of hyping his team in the media. Instead of invoking the words "Rose Bowl" from day one, he's saying what anyone who's been paying attention knows to be true: Getting the program back to competency is going to be a process that will take a good amount of time.
Frankly competency is all we need at this point, after some serious lowlights the past few years. It was enough to hearken back to the Glen Mason days, when blowing 30-point second half leads was an acceptable trade off for the occasional upset of a power team and the feeling that the team at least had a chance at victory every time it took the field. Mase had warts, but Brew was a toad, the warts aren't looking so bad these days.
Of course the ultimate goal will still be returning to the Rose Bowl, but in the meantime we'll be searching for any bright spots that offer hope for the future. Get used to the phrases "tempered enthusiasm", as it's going to be used frequently in the next few months. With slight variation, every local team that will kick off a season from now until the end of the year has essentially the same expectations: Be competitive, win some games, develop some players and just generally give the feeling that this thing is moving in the right direction.
The roster loaded with freshmen and sophomores, the starting QB is new (albeit experienced), and the schedule is tough. But after watching what a bit of competent coaching could do ending last season, it's hard to believe the cupboard is totally bare. Even if it is, it's hard to believe anything worse than last season's atrocious loss to South Dakota is going to happen. We'll get to find out what kind of quarterback Marqueis Gray has the potential to be, how much life can be injected into a lousy defense with some new schemes, and generally what a consistent approach can do for a football program.
Perhaps the most anti-Brewster trait that Jerry Kill possesses is his consistent approach. Same style, same coordinators, year in, year out. After several schizophrenic seasons of new offenses, new coordinators, multiple coordinators (Running game coordinator? WTF?), Gopher football might finally stop resembling a game of three-card monte in which the coach is constantly trying to hide the last mistake. These new guys make you want to root for them, so here's hoping they succeed.
Onto the schedule...
At USC
Looking at this game makes me think that Tim Brewster's motto must've been "Fake it til you make it", since the fact he turned out terrible teams never stopped him from acting the part of a big-time program. I could be wrong on this, but isn't this the year that Texas was going to be on the schedule, until they mercifully patted Timmy on the head and withdrew? Talk about your humanitarian gestures. Coach Kill seems like the "we play whoever's put in front of us" type of guy, but there had to be at least a few moments this summer when he looked at the schedule and said "USC? On the road? Right out of the chute? **** me!"
Prediction: Loss (0-1), but the Gophers cover the 21-point spread.
New Mexico State
If I've watched a New Mexico State football game in my life, it was purely by accident. Nevertheless, I'm calling a win, what's knowing the opponent got to do with predicting stuff?
Prediction: Big win (1-1), Gray runs for a pair of TDs, throws two more, fans party in the streets. Okay, maybe not, but still should be fun.
Miami - Ohio
How many years in history could you say it might be better to be playing Miami than Miami of Ohio? Well, that's probably a stretch, even with all those players suspended. Miami-Ohio used to really stink, but went 10-4 last year and start off with a tough test against Missouri. That spells trouble for the Gophers.
Prediction: Loss (1-2), sloppy game leads to loss, it's a story as old as the Rose Bowl drought.
North Dakota State
Payback time. In 2007, NDSU rolled into the Metrodome and beat the worst Gopher team, possibly ever. This year's team is not nearly as bad as that team. In fact no team anywhere is that bad.
Prediction: Win (2-2), but too close for comfort.
At Michigan
Given the coaching change and Michigan's atrocious defense last season, I'd be tempted to give the Gophers a chance if this were at home. As is, I think they're defense just won't have an answer for Denard Robinson, and this game could turn into a very compelling matchup of dual-threat QBs.
Prediction: Loss (2-3), but an entertaining effort that sends fans away thinking "So close!".
At Purdue
For whatever reason, even in the darkest days of Brewdaism, Purdue has had problems with Minnesota. Not sure why, but it couldn't have been the savvy gameplan or halftime adjustments, so why not expect it to continue?
Prediction: Win (3-3), looking sort of respectable, but now things turn kind of mean.
Nebraska
The best part of this week will be reading game previews that say "Last meeting: NEB 84-0". This one will be closer, I'm fairly certain about that, but how much closer is anyone's guess. At least it might finally put 84-0 to rest.
Prediction: Loss (3-4), hopefully not an embarrassing one.
Iowa
The upset of Iowa in last season's finale was the silver lining to a bad season. This year's version comes to town down it's starting QB and several key players on the defensive line. On paper, they look vulnerable. Unfortunately, the Hawkeyes will still have more overall talent, and a most likely a chip on their shoulder about last year's loss.
Prediction: Loss (3-5), but in a tight game, on a late field goal.
At Michigan State
Not quite the history of some other schools in the conference, but they Spartans seem like a good team going to right direction. They return a veteran QB from a team that won a share of the conference title, that sentence alone puts them above most Big Ten teams.
Prediction: Loss (3-6), good team and road game is a tough one to overcome.
Wisconsin
The rich get richer, as our neighbors to the east seem to have another impressive team to add to their recent run. Granted it was UNLV, with a first-time starting QB, that came into Camp Randall last night, but I don't care if it was the Little Sisters of the Poor, the throttling was impressive. I planned to watch some of the game, but unfortunately missed the first quarter, and that was really all their was to see.
Prediction: Loss (3-7), followed by many fans of the Evil Red Menace mocking us poor Minnesotans, our only comeback will be nodding glumly and ordering another beer.
At Northwestern
Hooray, Northwestern is still in the Big Ten! All this realignment was making me nervous, gotta keep some beatable teams around. Of course that's probably what they say about us.
Prediction: Win (4-7), little dicey, but they pull out a squeaker.
Illinois
Even Brew could beat Illinois.
Prediction: Win (5-7), end things on a good note.
So there it is Gopher fans, the dawn of a new era is upon you. The good news is that it can't be as bad as the last one, the bad news is that history offers no indication that it will ever be all that good. In Jerry We Trust, let's see what happens.
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