Powering up the NFL season

Another perplexing week in the NFL has once again reinforced the notion that this is indeed to best sport on Earth...and left me scratching my head as to what could possibly happen next.  A chance at two straight winning weeks in the picks department was thwarted Monday night, ironically by lack of picks.  Rest assured, Jay Cutler did everything possible to help make my vision of a 4 INT game a reality, but fortunately (or unfortunately, if you like) the Packer secondary was just not going to accommodate him.  One official interception, two more negated by penalties, and about three or four more, at least by my count, dropped by defenders.  Can't blame the man for falling short friends, lord knows he tried to deliver.

Beyond that the game featured some fumbles, some dropped passes, penalties galore, and pretty much all-around ugly football.  Now can't talk too much, as my team has played plenty ugly these first few weeks, and are now trailing Chicago by a two-game margin, but nothing last night that made that already unpleasant reality any worse.  The leading rusher in the game was a QB, the other team's QB was 10 yards short of being the second, the skill players on both sides (save the QBs) looked average; there's just a whole lot going on with both of these teams that inspire no reaction beyond 'Meh'.  That being said, Green Bay was the better team, and it was great watching Chicago steal the game.  I'm no fan of the Bears to be sure, and have really tried to grow out of my hatred for the cheese-clad hordes from the East, but after an hour amongst them, I wanted nothing more than to see Packer fans crying in their beer.  Thankfully, I got just what I wanted, schadenfreude in play, big time.

Sure Green Bay was better, and sure they'll probably get the last laugh on this whole thing by the time it wraps up, but for at least a day, that was a lot of fun.  Not to mention the added bonus of pulling off a fantasy win on the game-winning field goal; the only downside to the night was the weekly record falling to 8-8, damn you Chargers and Skins.

So three weeks in, and what do we know?  We know that you don't doubt any Steelers defense with Troy Polamalu.  We know that you don't trust any offense with Alex Smith. (Well I know that now, you probably already knew both of those)  We know that no team west of the Rockies is worth a damn, and that no team west of the Mississippi is a legitimate Super Bowl contender (Sorry Texans and Cowboys, not buying it).We know that:

Early game beers + Mid-afternoon pizza order x NFC/AFC West showdowns in late games = Nap

And there's really no escaping the math of that.

But most of all, we know that most of what we think we know will be rendered moot in the very near future, some of it so much so that we feel stupid.  But since this is the here and now, and it's fun to revisit this stuff once times have changed, it seemed a good time for an NFL Power Poll. 

Football teams are like beers, some more refreshing and tasteful than others, with varying degrees of flavor and complexity...or at least that's how I see it, and they say write what you know, so away we go:


Warm, flat can of Blatz, left outside on a hot summer day - In a word, disgusting

32-30. Buffalo/Cleveland/Detroit - Group ranking here so none had to be in front of another team.  The only time you could possibly be excited about watching one of them is if you have fantasy guys on the opposing team and/or are gambling heavily on the opposition.  When Detroit goes to Buffalo in Week 10, it's very possible their cumulative wretchedness could open up a cosmic wormhole directly to the bowels of hell.  If not, then the Buffalo-Cleveland game four weeks later should finish the job.  Then again, it's possible the football in hell might not even be this bad.  I want to meet one of the poor bastards who plunks down his hard earned cash for Bills season tickets, not only does you team suck, but 25% of the home games feature either Detroit or Cleveland, with a side of Jacksonville thrown in to boot.  But I suppose at least you can entertain visions of a win walking into the stadium on Sunday for those, that has to be rare.

(Sidenote: The Lions have been so bad for so long that it's to the point now where I bump fantasy guys up a couple spots when they're playing in Detroit on Thanksgiving.  It's not for the stats, it's just to give me a reason to suffer through it.)


Old Style (except if consumed on Wrigley Field premises) - Not disgusting, just gross


29. Carolina (0-3) - They look terrible, but the once-dominant running game and fresh blood of a rookie QB offers a whiff of potential here. I'm thinking they'll be a bit better, and if not, who cares? This is not a team that stirs much emotion either way.


(Sidenote: Doesn't Jimmy Clausen just look like a punk? Him, Jay Cutler, Brady Quinn and Philip Rivers should form a gang called the Country Club Quarterbacks (CCQBs for short), get some wicked black-and-red '80s style leather jackets, then do battle with a rival gang led by Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback, with Derek Anderson, Matt Schaub and Mark Sanchez. Call them The Stubbles or something and outfit them in denim. This would've been a killer Saturday morning cartoon now that I think about it. Or perhaps a wrestling rivalry. The episode where The Stubbles are accosted in a pool hall due to their leader getting arrested on a rape beef might not go over so well with the kids. Then again, perhaps it would prevent the Little Unfrozen Caveman Quarterbacks of the worlds from traveling a similar path. They could even tie in one of those 'The More You Know' ads during one of the commercial breaks, "Hey kids, sometimes 'drunk enough to do whatever you want' sounds good, but can actually be a bad thing…")


28. Rams (1-2) – Just can’t muster any interest in watching this team at all, as a result, I know very little about how they beat Washington. Condensed replay of the game will probably get picked up by the DVR sometime this week, and I will be forced to reassess whether cutting down the time commitment by 75% makes it worthwhile.  And then I will clean the bathroom instead.

27. Jaguars (1-2) – Ditto the Rams on the “anything, and I mean ANYTHING, is preferable to watching this” factor, but at least I can appreciate the good work Jacksonville is doing to stand between the Vikings and a move to Los Angeles, because nobody is going anywhere before this team. New rule of thumb for any team ranked in the bottom 5, only required viewing is when they pop up on the Red Zone channel. If they aren’t good enough to get there, you shouldn’t feel obligated to watch.  I can guarantee you won’t see much of them, well at least not their offenses.


Budweiser - Lunchpail beer for my two favorite lunchpail QBs (of course they'd probably both fit better at jobs where lunchpails were standard equipment, but that's beside the point)

26. Broncos (1-2) – So they drilled a sky-high Seahawks team at home, and Kyle Orton’s mystifying ability for win football games with overmatched teams is still in play, but what else is there to like? The castoff receivers? The fact that their only explosive offensive player is gimping around on two bad hammys? I see last week’s Ortsplosion (that’s right, it happens just often enough to coin a phrase, they must occasionally hypnotize him into thinking he's back at Purdue playing the Gophers) as more an indictment of the Colts D than a statement about the Broncos passing game. Brandon Lloyd and Jabar Gaffney are going to continue to make plays? The secondaries in this game looked like they were under the control of two college stoners playing Madden on Easy, let’s just forget it occurred.

(Sidenote: We really need a derogatory nickname for Laurence Maroney, I thought about Laurence Meandery in recognition of his running style, Laurence Baloney as an indictment of his skills on the football field and Laurence Can-Blow-Me to convey the feelings of the fans who’s teams he’s played for. But in the end it was plainly obvious, I hearby dub thee, Laurence Jabroney.)

25. Raiders (1-2) – A shanked 32-yard field goal by a guy who hasn’t missed from that distance in almost 4 years spoiled the latest chapter in the Legend of Bruce Gradkowski last week, and I couldn’t be more perturbed. Now instead of my favorite scrappy underdog QB leading his team to a second straight win and second place in the NFC West standings, they’re relegated to a 3-way tie at the bottom and a bit of a murders row over the next 3 weeks. The running game and pass D look just good enough that a bit of capable QB play could win them some games, but only if they don’t piss the easy opportunities down their leg.

(Sidenote: How could Janikowski do that to a fellow Pollack? Was he mad that Bruce was stealing some of his thunder? Methinks perhaps the overseas mailbag began to get a bit light these past weeks. Seems pretty petty if you ask me, makes a person hearken back to the dependable Eastern bloc solidarity of the Cold War.)


Corona - Sounded much better during summer

24. Washington (1-2) – I don’t buy these guys at all, and if Dallas wasn’t stupid in Week One, the Skins could easily be 0-3. Sure they got out to a big lead on Houston when the Texans were still on their “we finally beat Indy” hangover, but what happened once they got down to business? Can’t use the word ‘massacre’ in connection with an Indian-nicknamed team, so we’ll just say they were soundly beaten like a redheaded stepchild’s rented mule.  This weeks return to Philly for Donovan McNabb is interesting, but only in a "I wonder if he'll be hit with a battery?" sort of way.


Grain Belt – Seems like I should like it, but still tasting like crap, and I can’t put my finger on why

23. San Francisco (0-3) – Yes, the 0-3 team gets the nod over all those 1-2s, purely based on potential and the fact I’m not ready to give up on the Niners, the only remotely intriguing team in the NFC West. But then again, after watching them get THROTTLED in a game they really needed last week, that all might just be wishful thinking. So now it’s Atlanta on the road, Philly at home, and the prospect of 0-5? Yikes.

22. New York Giants (1-2) – Sticking with my theory that Tennessee can be a good team when Vince Young isn’t being asked to carry too much of the load, and if the Giants hadn’t show a display of anger management that Ron Artest would’ve found lacking, they still could’ve won this game. Would feel better about things if they didn’t play in a tough division with a nasty slate of games over the next month, but whatever.


Blue Moon – It’s selling, but I have no clue how. What is hell is that, a f***ing orange? I thought this was a bar, how did I stumble into soccer practice? You’re going to put it in the beer? Hold everything, what the hell is going on here???

21. Cardinals (2-1) – Getting a sinking feeling we’re looking at the first ever 7-9 division champ here, followed by the first mercy-rule stoppage in NFL playoff history. Sure that’s a long leap to make at this point, but a sweep of the Rams and Seahawks, along with a Niners split is 6 wins, and if those three teams don’t sweep Arizona, how do they get to 8? Oh well, at least Darwin will be happy, although survival of such an unfit team past the regular season wouldn’t please his namesake one bit, the NFL divisional structure is fighting nature here.

20. Seahawks (2-1) – Please San Francisco, the football viewing population of America implores you, get your act together right now!!! ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT THIS, PLEASE HELP!!!

19. Buccaneers (2-1) – I really kind of like this team, but unfortunately can’t see anything better than an 8-8 record, and even that’s probably a stretch. Gotta love those young squads pulling it together though, franchise QB possibly emerging, some fun wideouts to watch, good stuff. Of course I can’t actually hope you do well until your games stop getting blacked out, just a personal rule that a team must actually have fans before I can root for them to be happy. Then of course once an NFC team becomes too good, I’m obligated to start rooting against them due to Vikings-related conflicts. Come on Tampa, get behind this team so we can root for the ride up together before I hop off! And while you’re at it, would it kill you to go to a couple of Rays games?


Bud Light – Looks tempting, seems to be okay, but something’s just a little off

18. Minnesota (1-2) – Courtesy spot, will be 2-5 at the end of October. The old girl is starting to get in a bad way, and soon it will be time for Pa to take her out behind the shed and shoot her. Always sad, but she was suffering, try to think about the good times and prepare yourself mentally to say goodbye.

17. Cincinnatti (2-1) – Could go into the bye 4-1, but could also be favored in only 3 of their last 11. I like the odds of a team that’s old at the skill positions folding badly down the stretch.

(Sidenote: Since the Bengals are reality-show nuts these days, I’d like to pitch a premise that I think has some legs:

Carson Palmer shares a house with younger brother/backup QB Jordan, next door to a house inhabited by Terrell Owens and Chad OchoCinco, with the two homes linked by a shared pool/common area. Hilarity ensues when the straitlaced Palmer brothers are forced to deal with the highjinx of the two receivers, but things turn sinister when Jordan and Terrell enter into a plot to frame Carson and Chad for narcotics possession, in a ploy to increase their roles on the team.


Sounds like a winner, eh?)


16. Philadelphia (2-1) – Lions, Jaguars, no Bears? Oh my. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop and the Michael Vick Express crashing back to Earth. Somehow the Redskins are the worst defense in the league, so if the Eagles do lose this Sunday, it probably won’t be for lack of offensive production, but can this three-ring circus really go on all year? You’ve probably seen the stats, Vick’s current QB rating of 110.2 is almost 30 points better than his previous career best (set in 2002 by the way), and with that large of a sample size to compare to, it’s all about regression back to the mean. It’s like me getting laid, once it happens, you know it’s not happening again for a long, long time; if it happened twice in quick succession, you could pretty much write off the rest of the decade (or at least I think you could, would love to test that theory). The law of averages is pretty reliable here, just give it time to work.

15. Tennessee (2-1) – A quick haiku:


Vince Young is destined
To be Titans punchbowl turd
Fans will gouge out eyes


14. San Diego (1-2) – This placement begs the age-old power rankings question: Do you order teams based on what would happen if they played head-to-head, or how things will play out with their given schedules? It’s a tough call to make, I will only say that playing in the AFC West does have some influence on my thinking here, as the Chargers seem so-so, but have that warm nookie-blankie of a division to fall back on. Sure they lost at Seattle last week, but piling up 500 yards of offense and getting beat on two fluky kick returns doesn’t concern me too much, a bounce back should be forthcoming.


13. Dallas (1-2) – Still a believer in the Cowboys prospects, and think they win 3 out of their next 4 to right the ship. If they can take care of Tennessee at home in Week 5, a very winnable game considering their Week 4 Bye, then Dallas will be in the same spot it was last season with a 2-2 record through 4 games. They went 9-3 the rest of the way and entered the playoffs as the hottest team in football. Of course their early struggles helped set up their road shellacking at the hands of the Vikings, but that’s another conversation.

(Sidenote: This makes me think, who’s Tony Romo banging these days anyway? I feel like that should somehow be an influencing factor here.  Solid analysis starts with proper research.  At any rate, it probably doesn't matter too much, as we know who he'll be f***ing come playoff time.  Cowboy fans.)




Pabst Blue Ribbon – Perplexingly better than it should be


12. Miami (2-1) – I love them, I love them not. I love them, I love them not. Pretty high to be ranking a team I’m just not sure about, but such are the weird vibes of the league this week. Gut feeling is the Dolphins end this year as the non-playoff team with the strongest “Team on the Verge” vibe. This makes sense, as it directly parallels my impression of Chad Henne as the league leader in the “QB on the Verge” category. Should at least keep their fans intrigued…and frustrated…and hopeful…and frustrated…and excited…and frustrated…


11. Kansas City (3-0) – It’s alive! Frankenstein’s monster, created in a opening-night rainstorm is now laying waste to the pleasant countryside. How long before the villagers gather their torches and pitchforks to run it down is anyone’s guess, but for the moment the Chiefs are one of only 3 undefeateds left in the league, and are potentially poised for a run. Sure, the next two games will probably be a bit of a hiccup, on the road at Indy and Houston, but after that, the schedule goes: JAX, BUF, @OAK, @DEN, ARI, @SEA, DEN, @SD, @STL, TEN, OAK. I’m sorry, WHAT???

(Sidenote: Did I mention I called them to be 9-7?  Gotta keep touting the one correct prediction I made.)


Sam Adams - A cut above most, a cut below many, a nice reliable beverage that will do in a pinch...but you've had better


10. New England (2-1) – Can’t put them lower than #10 because they’re New England, can’t put them higher because Ryan Fitzpatrick winged it around to the tune of 247 and 2 last week en route to the Bills putting 30 points on the board. Not good, but downright scary when you consider what Mark Sanchez just did to them, the fact the aforementioned Henne and Phil Rivers loom in two of the next three games, and Peyton Manning may actually cause that rookies CBs head to explode like the guy from “Scanners” in Week 11. The good news? I have Brady and Moss on my fantasy team.


Sam Adams Oktoberfest - Superior to the original, but won't be here past November


9. Chicago (3-0) - As discussed in the opening, the Bears lose last Monday’s game 8 out of 10 times by my estimation, and coupled with the Calvin Johnson fiasco during Week 1, I just don’t buy them being all that good. Challenging for the playoffs? Sure. Winning the division? Not going to happen. Subpar wide receivers and a quarterback with a tendency to force the issue will ultimately result this team’s downfall.


Summit EPA - Now we're getting into truly fine territory; robust, hoppy, but ultimately not made for the long haul.  You're going to need to change it up if you hope to see the end of the evening.


8. Baltimore (2-1) – Like the defense, Jets win looks more impressive by the week, but I’d really like to see Joe Flacco play well against a better defense than the Browns.  Nice to see Anquan Boldin continuing his tradition of remaining a Top 20 fantasy wideout on the strength of 3 (and only 3!) monster games per season.


7. Houston (2-1) – Destroy Indy for a game, destroy Washington for a half, possible the Texans just thought they could hit the ‘Win’ button and cruise by Dallas in Week 3? I’m chalking it up to a desperate team playing a not-so-desperate team, and leaving it at that, with 3 winnable games coming up before their bye, and the rematch with Indy immediately following, this team could be in a nice spot to do big things.


6. Atlanta (2-1) – When you win a game that gets an opposing kicker fired, you are officially living a charmed life. Considering the loss to the Steelers in Week 1 is totally forgivable now, and the first win over the Saints have been notched, I can only come to one conclusion: San Fran will beat the tar out of the Falcons this week. Why? Well no real science to it, just the aforementioned desperate team factor, coupled with the fact that this situation has the reverse feel of last season’s meeting. The Niners came into a home game, riding high at 3-1, with a Brett Favre miracle as the only blemish on their record, coming off a 35-0 drubbing of St. Louis on the same turf a week earlier…and promptly got blown off the field 45-10. I remember it so well because it put me out of a survivor pool. Anyway, San Francisco crumbled after that, losing 3 more in a row and finishing 8-8; not saying that fate awaits the Falcons, but just a reminder, this stuff turns on a dime.


5. Green Bay (2-1) - #2 with a bullet as of 9:30 PM on Monday night, but another exhibition of dumb penalties and complete lack of running game are pushing them lower. Make no mistake, and it pains me to say this, the Packers will win the NFC North. Unfortunately for them, that’s going to be like standing outside a strip club with $10 in your pocket: You're getting in, but your not getting very far.


Coors Light - Nothing flash, fairly bland, but as consistent as the come and still delivers the goods

4. Indianapolis (2-1) - Ever have a buddy who told a great story, and would have everyone cracking up whenever he got into one?  Unfortunately, this guy was a good friend, and eventually you'd spent enough time around him to hear every story he had to tell?  So for those that haven't heard them, his stories are still the greatest ever, but for you, after the 3rd or 4th telling, you start to wonder why you thought the story was that great in the first place?  In NFL parlance, that buddy is the Colts, they've been telling the same story for years now, and even though the do it better than anyone else, it's losing it's charm because you've heard it so often.  Perhaps this year their defense makes things a bit more interesting and forces them to win with more flair, but until that happens, we'll put them here, just inside striking distance.


Stella Artois - No really my taste, cutesy glasses give it a trendy, upscale feel not typically associated with beer

3. New Orleans (2-1) - Stumbling out of the gate a bit is acceptable coming off a championship season, and the Saints have hardly fallen on their face.  After all, they were on the other side of the kicking coin, the should-be 3-0 team that had an unfortunate hiccup cost them a win to a division rival at home.  But the two wins haven't exactly been art either, no polls and style points in the NFL, just that the performance so far gives an inking of vulnerability.  With that being said, I'll wait for them to get beat convincingly before knocking them down too far.

2. New York Jets (2-1) - Dang I was hoping Sanchez would stink.  I also dislike Rex Ryan, Darrell Revis, their jerseys and most everything else about this team.  About the only thing they have going for them is not being the Packers.  But alas, excellence must be recognized, and so far this Jets team looks like the class of a weak division.  We knew the defense and running game were good, so now with Sanchez making plays and another weapon coming back into the mix when Santonio Holmes returns, their pass offense will probably only improve.  Dang.


Bell's Two-Hearted Ale - Bold and complex, not to mention it will **** you up in a hurry if you're not careful

1. Pittsburgh (3-0) - Exactly like I told you it would hap...er, strike that.  Yeah, I said down year, but I also said if any team would absorb this body blow and keep moving forward, it was the Steelers.  Their whole organization reminds me of MASH, when BJ Honeycutt stepped in for Trapper John and nothing missed a beat.  In this analogy Alan Alda is the defense and Jamie Farr the running game.  It's getting to the point where it seems like the Steelers could throw the names of 4 QBs into a hat on Saturday night and win with whoever was picked out.

(Sidenote: How great would it be if Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback returns and starts stinking up the joint to the point where a QB controversy ensues?  That would be irony writ large.  Now I know Steeler fans are probably too savvy to feed into it, and Tomlin definite too good a coach to give it any thought at all, but it would be worth a chuckle.  Miss you Mike Tomlin, you were the one that got away, damn you Pittsburgh for being so decisive and correct in your hire.  If Lesley Frazier wins a Super Bowl with another team three years from now, Childress is officially going to leapfrog Tom Shane into the #1 spot on my personal enemies list)

Great weekend coming up folks, excellent college football slate, baseball pennant races hanging in the balance, and of course another week of NFL wackiness, enjoy.

This week's picks:

New York Jets -5.5 over BUFFALO - Even with the new QB, can't do it

TENNESSEE -6.5 over Denver - Wish this game was at Denver

PITTSBURGH -1 over Baltimore - This game has 9-7 written all over it

CLEVELAND +3 over Cincinatti - Feeling the first Josh Cribbs explosion of 2010

GREEN BAY -14.5 over Detroit - Wanted to pick a Lions cover, but after last week's lost, Pack will be angry.  Green Bay will be picked in 99% of survivor pools this week.

Carolina +13.5 over NEW ORLEANS - 23-10, Panthers D does just enough to cover by a hair

San Francisco +7 over ATLANTA - Wrote what I wrote above about this game yesterday, waffling like hell right now...screw it, outright win for the Niners

Seattle -1 over ST. LOUIS - Meh

JACKSONVILLE +7.5 over Indianapolis - Weird stuff happens to the Colts in Jacksonville, just a cover though, no upset

Houston -3 over OAKLAND - A little higher and I'd go Raiders

SAN DIEGO -8 over Arizona - Or just give Kansas City the division title now

PHILADELPHIA -6 over Washington - Like the Eagles to win, but I suppose The McNabb Revenge Factor could make things go screwy

Chicago +4 over NEW YORK GIANTS - Are the winds in the new stadium like there were in the old one?  If so, this might be a tricky night game for Cutler to navigate.

New England -1 over MIAMI - Damn these 1 point spreads, feels like another big Henne game, but the Fish managed to blow last week, so...

Last week: 8-8
Season: 20-24-4