So there was a very sad story today about Kenny McKinley, a wide receiver for the Denver Broncos who committed suicide. I’m embarrassed to say that when I read the headline, I thought it said “McKinnie” for a moment, and my heart leapt up at the thought of shedding the last 3 years of that contract. I’m going to hell, I know, certainly don’t need you to tell me.
After a weekend in which I attended two losses at the ballpark, yet another college football flub, then sat through one brutal half of Vikings football before mercifully having to leave for a brutal Twins game, I’m not mustering much positive to say. On the bright side, the two new stadiums in town do make for a much better aesthetic experience when the teams are playing ugly, at one point on Saturday afternoon I almost forgot I was at a Gopher football game. Then I remembered I was insufferably bored, and it all came back to me.
The Twins are victims of their own success, the Gophers of their own ineptitude and the Vikings seemingly of their own indifference. So far this has the look of an NFL team that thought the regular season was just there to keep you entertained until the playoffs came around. They should change the name of the team to the Minnesota Mimes for the way they’re going through the motions out there. But once again, on the bright side (sense the theme this week?), the loss last Sunday brought back two of my favorite rite of Minnesota fall: Outraged Purple fans and Chilly trying to polish a turd in his weekly press conference.
Childress really is an artist, I’m telling you. I know the head coach can’t come out and say “We sucked. This guy sucked, and that guy sucked, just about everyone sucked. Those who did not suck somehow enabled the sucking of others. As a matter of fact, this explanation sucks, and most of you people suck, so I’m going to get back to work figuring out how to end the suckage.” But wouldn’t it be refreshing if he did? Do you want to listen to 20 minutes on how the Will linebacker lost contain, or have some guy drop a few f-bombs, overturn a table and storm out? I suppose it is only week two, but most coaches still spew the same clichés when it’s week 12 and they just fell to 3-8, no personality there. Hope we get another Mike Gundy/Jerry Burns/Jim Mora moment this season, I want to see rending of garments, I want to see Chilly’s calm exterior crack and him scream “You think I have my head up my ass out there Bob, do you? DO YOU?? THAT’S RIGHT BOB, THAT’S WHY IT’S A GOOD THING IT’S BALD, I CAN SLIDE IT RIGHT ON UP THERE! RIGHT ON UP THERE BOB!!!” It’s like the commercial says, Be Legendary. Now go get yourself some Coors light royalties Brad.
And the fans! Oh my lord the football fans, they’re the best thing about sports in general. NFL fans make me feel like the rock my team’s church was built on every time they start calling in after a particular disturbing loss. A couple calls are well-thought out, most are hammered and reactionary; in other words, my kind of people! And it’s not just this city and my team, it’s everywhere, I’ve heard many of them, seemingly normal people who go mental 16 Sundays a year. God love em. Obviously the first choice is to have the Vikes beat the Lions this week and keep hope alive, but if they drop this very winnable game, my advice to you is the make sure you are near a radio in the hour following. Or perhaps stream it online later, either way, it will brighten your day.
Sure it probably won’t come to that, Detroit is still Detroit and the Vikings have had a knack for dropping games they should win/stealing games they should lose, which will probably help them down the line. But all I know is the unsettling vibes of the last month haven’t dissipated a bit, and we’re running the risk of things getting downright ugly. The Brett Favre indifference act has been seen before, and it never ends well. At the moment he’s carrying himself with a 1997 Cal Ripken air of “I’m not coming out…but I’m not really killing myself to prop this thing up either”. 2-5 through Week 8 seemed highly possible, and that Miami game was supposed to be one of those wins, yikes.
I say look at it this way Vikes fans, you married a woman who immediately went out and started banging other dudes, only you found out a couple weeks into the marriage, she was forthright about it and you got the whole thing annulled. Now sure you’re hurt, angry, feeling like you were duped, but you have to look at how much worse it could’ve been had this stuff gone on for awhile. As it is there are no kids involved, no divorce proceedings to go through, she gave you back your ring and moved out, it was even her parents that footed the bill for the wedding. Imagine how downright nasty a division of property, custody rights, etc. could’ve been had the whole charade gone on a few years before you discovered the truth. Then count yourself lucky you got out when you did, I mean that bitch could’ve taken your ****ing dog. Despite the fact you’ve been taken for a ride and may find it difficult to trust again, that will come back in time. In fact, chances are there are many people close to you who’ve been through this before, and if you couldn’t pull yourself up off the mat (see: January 2010), then you wouldn’t have gotten into this relationship in the first place.
(Frankly I don’t have much sympathy for you jackass, you knew she was a heart-breaking slut when you started dating her, don’t you remember the 90s? But of course I won’t say that when we’re out drinking and it comes up, I’ll just buy you a beer and agree how great she was, how you’ll never find another like her, yada yada yada. Start crying though and I’m out the ****ing door. And yes, we’re still talking about the Vikings…I think.)
Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is, we’ve got minimal investment to this point, and if it’s going to be bad, let’s shoot for rock-bottom here (T-Jack!). As I said earlier, nothing would please me more than a return to last season’s glory, but looking back on my own words from January 25th of this year, I’m reminded how unlikely that is to occur: “These last few months, the stars aligned for a very special season, one that is not likely to be repeated any time soon, even if the team returns intact. Winning in the NFL requires equal parts skill and luck, every year teams rise and fall on the whim of the latter, so forgive me if I can't get on board with the talk of a promising future I'm hearing today.”
Good luck boys, and if not, thanks Brett, I understand if you don’t want to get yourself killed. Then bring on The Destroyer of Football Worlds (I’m copyrighting that one for a t-shirt) and let the real fun begin. This bandwagon was getting a bit full anyway, I like my elbow room and can hearken back to the Sundays (not so far gone) when it was just me, Darwin, and a bunch of empty barstools watching a terrible team. Those days might be coming back, we’re not going anywhere. And always remember, the correct response to a Packer fan within the borders of Minnesota is “Oh yeah? Well how about you get out of my ****ing state? I don’t come to your ****ing state and rip on your ****ing team, so grant me the same courtesy as long as I allow you to be a guest here!” The rest of you are on your own, although something about sex with farm animals is usually a surefire winner.
On the bright side (one more time!), picks are improving, we’re comin!!! A respectable 8-6-2 last week that easily could’ve been better had Houston not pushed and the Raiders not lost in games they dominated. A couple more weeks like this the power will be back on and I can stop eating cold Spaghetti-Os every night for dinner, here’s to gambling!
Still alive through two weeks: Kansas City’s sleeper potential, the likely occurrence that Pittsburgh could emerge from the Roethlisberger suspension 3-1 (making me look dumb, as I thought they would, in the process), the re-emergence of Jay Cutler as a big-time QB (at least until he throws 5 INTs on Monday night against the Packers), the re-emergence of Vince Young as the league’s foremost Ben Stiller QB (great when nothing’s expected, falls apart when asked to carry the load), Cardinals fans returning to the teams from whence they came and the NFC West’s stranglehold on the “Worst NFL Division” crown.
Looking shaky: Double-digit Vikings wins (see above), New England’s D being division-champ caliber, any mention of “Ravens” and “explosive offense” in the same sentence, Dallas having the opportunity to build on its resume of playoff chokes and the phrase “Kevin Kolb believer”.
What was I thinking: Bills at 8 wins (looking more like my least-favorite Wild player, Halfthat), Bucs at 1-15 (would you buy that I just confused my ‘B’ teams here?) and the idea that Matthew Stafford would stay on the field for two years before getting seriously injured again.
Good post! Agreed completely...Bring on Tjack along with my enjoyment of not expecting anything and enjoying laughing at my loveable losers (while in the back of my mind thinking "maybe they will pull it together this year"). At least that was fun and carried no expectations.
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