So it's Valentine's Day again, seems to happen every year around this time, and not surprisingly, I don't have much going on. This may have been disheartening under normal circumstances, but yesterday was a 45-degree gift from God that (hopefully) drilled the first stake into the heart of one of the most brutal winters in recent memory and put me on permanent cloud nine. Feeling pretty bulletproof at the moment, short of the Vikings blowing a winnable NFC Championship game in the immediate future, things are good. Ain't nothin gonna break my stride, can't nobody hold me down, no no, I got to keep on movin.
Would I prefer to be going out with some lady this evening? Of course, but that's like saying I'd prefer to be 20 pounds lighter, who wouldn't be? Instead the state we find ourselves in is always the cumulative result of our past decisions and sacrifices. You don't want to pay no 50 cents for no Coke? Well then, you ain't gettin no Coke. More to the point, you spend 364 days a year opting for sports and beer, don't spend day 365 lamenting where it all went wrong. Just be happy you don't have to spend money on flowers and say a silent prayer that all your friends reap the benefits of the time they put to things. Particuarly the married guys who need it most.
Because all is not lost for those of us that find ourselves alone on Valentine's Day, far from it. A couple important points to remember:
Everyone is paired up, so mathematically there have to be just as many lonely women out there as men (Less the allowance for all those amazing women out there who decided to celebrate the holiday by giving their significant other a menage with an unattached female friend. Sadly we have to assume that lesbian couples are offset by gay couples for a net impact of zero, reality bites.)
The only known cure for lonliness is alcohol (At least to a point, then the cure caves in upon itself causing a negative spiral, but that's between you and that sturdy-looking beam in the garage)
So, employing the logic here, there should be a bunch of bummed-out ladies flocking to bars in search of whatever companionship they can find this evening. Sure they might be the bottom of the barrel, but if you're contemplating this line of thinking, chances are you aren't exactly the prize in the Cracker Jack box. Matter of fact, it's very possible you may be a hideous chud. But being alone on Valentine's Day is as fun as sober on St. Paddy's, so you've got that working in your favor here.
All you're going to need is a line to break the ice, so I offer a few of my faves:
1) You know, if we head back to my place, you can deduct cab fare home as a charitable contribution. (Works well with the tax-savvy crowd this time of year)
2) If dislike isn’t going to stop millions of married couples from sleeping together tonight, why should it stand in our way?
3) You wouldn’t happen to be a college hockey fan, would you?
4) The upside is, I’d be much more appreciative than the guys you typically take home
5) I hope to be worth fleecing in a divorce settlement once I finish my master’s degree, mind if I call you Wife #1?
6) So how long have you been dancing?
7) Should we just agree to pretend being in a bar alone on Valentine’s Day isn’t a major red flag for both of us?
8) Sure, I might be a loser, but come with me to this Wolves game and I'll look better by comparison
9) Did I mention I have a blog?
10) Can I buy you a drink? Or 12?
Now you should be ready to hit the town, godspeed and good luck.
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