Super Bowl Homeboy

Ever notice how much good baseball managers and good bartenders have in common? Charlie Manuel, Lou Pinella, Ron Gardenhire, Jim Leyland, don’t they all kind of remind you of your favorite grizzled barkeep? Ron Washington even looks like he’d be right at home in a seedy strip joint where he doubles as the dancer’s blow connection. Maybe I’ve watched too many episodes of Cheers, but I find it very easy to picture any of these fellas throw a towel over their shoulder and start polishing glasses while spinning a yarn about their whore of a second wife.

Even the skills of the two positions are fairly similar: Ability to listen to people’s problems, offer counsel, deal with volatile personalities, use funny stories to break the ice in a tense moment or pass the time on a slow night. I mean sure, baseball acumen is one area the would need some work, but otherwise, wouldn’t your average veteran tap jockey have 90% of the job down pat?  In the age of sabermetrics and info at your fingertips, I think some struggling team should man up and give an interim shot to the next hotel barman they connect with on a roadtrip.

But I digress, and my apologies for that, just been watching too much hot stove news this week and baseball is creeping back into my brain. For most people though, that kind of in-depth hardball analysis is a little much during the first week of February. Attention is focused on one of the greatest spectacles in sports, the Super Bowl, which returns for the 40-somethingth time this week. It’s an epic matchup to be sure, Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Green Bay Packers, two of the most iconic franchises in sports squaring off for the title. On a personal level, I can’t remember the last time I was this excited to sit down and watch the big game. Basically this is the Bizzaro Rex Grossman Super Bowl.

With the chatter preceding the game so often outweighing the game itself, it’s nice that this year has provided something of the opposite. Sure there’s still a ton of talk, just not so much that it’s swamped all forms of media with the same tired storylines. I suppose Jay Cutler is to thank for that in part, being that he served as the lightning rod diverting attention from the big game for most of last week. Tough to recall any player who wasn’t on a winning team getting that much ink leading up to Super Bowl week. I’d also like to thank the cosmic powers that be for not putting Michael Vick in this game, as his presence would no doubt have us neck deep in redemption tales at the moment. Or Rex Ryan, filling the airwaves with nonsensical bombast that would just make my hatred towards him grow.

Even the best tales get beaten into the ground, and none of those tales were all that good to begin with. Instead I get to hear a bit of Ben Roethlisberger contrition (call it Vick Lite), some injury updates and a whole lot of complaints about the weather in Dallas, and I’m pretty much fine with that. Because the angle I want to discuss is unique, so unique in fact that I can promise you it will only be discussed here, for no other reason than no one else knows the people being discussed. To the rest of the world, the is Packers-Steelers, but in my world, the more pressing issue is Nick vs. Jay.

Nick and Jay are my two best buddies from college, the former is a Packer fan, the latter roots Steelers.  I met these guys on the first night in the dorm and have pretty much been hanging out with them ever since. They are cousins who behave like brothers, minus the whole physical violence aspect. I’ve traveled to Europe with Jay, was in Nick’s wedding, they’ve seen me high, low and all points in between, and after a decade of dealing with my “unique” personality, still pick up the phone when they see my name on the caller ID. Believe me, that takes heart.

So what do you do when two of your best friends are on opposite sides of a game this big? Well the obvious answer is try to get them together in the same place, preferably after several hours of drinking, and spend 3 hours as a fly on the wall, observing and inciting in equal measures. Sportsfan 101 there. But who do I root for is the question, who deserves it more and should garner my support? (Not that it’s any great prize, as history indicates, but still)
The easy answer is rooting for Jay’s Steelers, as a Vikings diehard like myself should see a Packer loss this Sunday as priority #1, above all else. But delving into things deeper makes it more complicated, forcing me to evaluate things through what I consider the gospel of fan loyalties, Bill Simmons “Rules For Being A True Fan” in a tale-of-the-tape style comparison.

First, we start with the basics, where did this all come from?

18. If you live in a city that has fielded a professional team since your formative years, you have to root for that team. None of this, "The Bengals weren't very good when I was growing up in Cincy, so I became a Cowboys fan" crap.

No issues there, as these guys are both from Fargo, and geographically free to pick the team of their choosing. When I first met them, I was put off that they weren’t Vikings fans, but then it was explained to me how a lot of animosity toward my favorite squad developed as a result of the Purple being forced upon them. Too many times in our formative years, a Vikings-Lions tilt would preempt superior games as the regional option. In the pre-Sunday Ticket days, that had to be a bitter pill when the rest of the country was watching Niners-Giants. I have to admit, I could identify with that sentiment.

So Jay became a fan of all things Pittsburgh, other than basketball of course, where he settled on the Knicks (Points for not choosing the Bulls, more on this later). When the Pirates decided winning wasn’t for them and packed things in, his baseball loyalties traveled with Barry Bonds to San Francisco. Perfectly defensible for several reasons, among them following a transcendent superstar and the fact that the team gave up on him before he gave up on the team. Also easy to accept, due to the fact that the Giants weren’t exactly what you would call a front-runner with their 30+ year championship drought.

Jay is a diehard in every sense of the word, in fact watching one of his teams struggle is the only thing that can crack his calm exterior and make him act like a lunatic. I love seeing this in people…mostly because it reminds me of me. At that thought, Jay will no doubt be seeking out some kind of therapy posthaste.

Nick has been a bit tougher to peg, but like Jay has not done anything to give the impression that he’s taking the easy way out. His most diehard allegiances lie with Fighting Sioux hockey (Holla!) and the Chicago Cubs. One is local, the other putrid, nuff said. The NFL on the other hand has always been a bit more free-form, and although he will sometimes chafe at the suggestion, no one can quite recall him being a Packers loyalist prior to the early part of this decade. In fact it was a running joke between Jay and I the first few years we knew each other, which team will Nick pick this year?

But I can tell you two important things: He never trash talked in favor of another NFL squad and never made reference to “my” team doing something. Since confirming himself as a dedicated Packer fan, he has never waffled, and is now just as deranged about his team as the rest of us.  This is all important because:

19. Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ...

If there had been any sort of St. Louis Rams fetish, any Ravens gloating or Patriot gear popping up in that timeframe, well then all bets would be off. As far as I can tell Nick might’ve been a bit late to the party, but he has stuck to his guns since he cast his lot, and for that has earned my respect. Even if he made a terrible choice.

Interesting sidenote from Simmons on this one for Jay to consider


• If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them."

Steelers you say? Very interesting. Frankly I disagree with the Godfather here, because outside of a slew of championship game losses, what great reward had the 30-year old Steeler fan wrought before the run of the last 5 seasons? Sure, this piece was written in 2004, but if you were under 35 at that point, did you really get to experience the Steelers Super Bowl Era? I’d say maybe you got in on the tail end at best, any younger and all you’ve got to show is the 1990s, which pretty much resembled what the Vikings have done the past decade. Some moments of fun for sure, but ultimately too much pain.

And speaking of pain, now that we’ve traced the lineage of our two combatants loyalties, the question really comes down to: Who needs it more?

This is really the only reason I struggled with this thing, because it's so important.  If there’s one thing I hate in sports, it’s triumph with no tragedy, like the Carolina Hurricanes winning the Cup after not even being in existence long enough to unpack the movies crates. The struggles of opposing fanbases are what makes it tolerable to watch other teams win, a bunch of people collectively playing the “wait ‘til next year” card until out of nowhere, it finally is. That’s why I was excited to watch the Giants win last fall, and why I could stomach the Saints winning last year’s Super Bowl, somewhere out there are some dedicated fans who deserve their day in the sun, and I’m usually happy (grudgingly in most cases, but happy still) to see them get it.

Despite his history of heartbreak, Jay is riding an unbelievable wave of success this decade. From the Penguins getting the greatest player on the planet and winning the Cup, to the Steelers capturing two titles in 5 years, to the Giants finally breaking through in the last World Series, the guy is on an incredible run. Now I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it, his time as a guest of Loserville is well-chronicled. The aforementioned 90s, which featured not only the aforementioned Steelers struggles, but the repeated agony of the Knicks near-misses. The 2002 World Series, when the Giants coughed up certain victory. The list is long and storied.

But when is enough redemption enough? I mean people rooted for the Patriots for a few years at the beginning of this decade, back when they were the plucky underdogs. Now? Everyone hates them because they’ve been the face of dominance for 10+ years. It’s possible that Jay may have similarly jumped the shark in this regard, at the least, he would do well to remember another item from the list of rules:

12. After your team wins a championship, they immediately get a five-year grace period: You can't complain about anything that happens with your team (trades, draft picks, salary-cap cuts, coaching moves) for five years. There are no exceptions. That's just the way it is. You win the Super Bowl, you go on cruise control for five years. Everything else is gravy.

Now a question, fair and impartial reader. If earlier this postseason, a friend of yours took a cell phone video of you agreeing to never complain about football again, should your team win the Super Bowl, what would you do? Would you laugh at your friend’s foresight and stick to that agreement, now that your team sits on the doorstep? Or would you quibble about details, being that a certain team was mentioned and your squad never faced them, getting you off on a technicality?

In my opinion, it is unwise to tempt fate by pursuing the second course, and anyone who found themselves facing this dilemma might be wise to consider the karmic implications it could carry. Just sayin.

So here is where I’m left, as one of the hopeless masses, but the question is not settled, which way do I lean?

15c. If one of your best friends loves a certain team that has a chance to win a championship, and your team is out of the picture, it's OK to jump on the bandwagon and root for his team to win it all. That's acceptable. Like Temporary Fan status.

We’ve got tradition and history on one side, balanced by a significant title drought on the other. Both guys have a slew of bad beats in their lifetime (Nick’s list centers around the Bartman/Alex Gonzalez game, a series of Sioux heartbreakers I can’t discuss because I don’t want to break down and the 2007 NFC title game) and neither one breaks any of the crucial “Don’t be a douche” trifecta rules:

15. If your team defeats a good friend's team in a crucial game or series, don't rub it in with them unless they've been especially annoying/gloating/condescending/confrontational in the days leading up to the big battle. You're probably better off cutting off all communications in the days preceding/following the game, just to be safe.


15a. Along those same lines, if your team squanders a crucial game/series to your buddy's team, don't make them feel guilty about it -- don't call them to bitch about the game, don't blame some conspiracy or bad referee's call, don't rant and rave like a lunatic. In the words of Vito Corleone, you can act like a man. You have plenty of time to bitch in private.


15b. If your buddy's team loses an especially tough game, don't call him -- wait for him to call you. And when you do speak to him, discuss the game in a tone normally reserved for sudden, unexpected deaths.

Both guys would enjoy a win, and both are deserving of one as dedicated fans, but in the end, a leopard can’t change his spots.  So I'd add one more rule to the list and say "Upon no circumstances can temporary fan status apply to a hated rival". 

Then I'd say F**K THE PACKERS!!!

And the Nick would breathe a sigh of relief.

Bottom line is I can handle going either way, as long as the game is compelling. Sure I’ll take a bit of extra grief from the world’s only gay Packer fan here at work, but that would be a small price to pay for an epic matchup. I’m sure I can count on either one of my friends to adhere to the most important rule, as far as the title-less among us are concerned:

14. Just because you supported a team that won a championship, it doesn't give you the right to turn into a pompous, insufferable schmuck. Remember this.

P.S. Packers (-3) are still the pick though, no way you’re getting off that easy!