No, the reason for the slow pace of the posts around here isn't due to depression about the state of things on the local sports scene, but rather the all-consuming nature of the NHL playoffs. With three, and sometimes four, games happening every evening, it's been hard to find time for anything else. Now that the schedule has lightened up a bit, and we only have a single game or two each night before the first round is over, it's time to get back in the swing of things.
Not to say that things haven't gotten pretty heavy around here lately, because they have. Winter sports teams can't make the playoffs, baseball team is a mess, football team might be leaving town, it's borderline nightmarish.
So, seems like the perfect time to lighten it up with some fake lines I thought of:
Favorite............................................................Line.......................................Underdog
Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo..................................13 1/2.........................Pascal "Jermaine" Dupuis
David "Foghorn" Legwand..............................6 1/2..........................Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo
Norwood "Young America" Teague................4 1/2.........................David "Foghorn" Legwand
Ryan "Temple Of" Doumit..............................1/2............................Norwood "Young America" Teague
(One of the things I like to do in my spare time is create my own Bermanisms, these are my favorites from the NHL playoffs and local sports scene during the last week. Which reminds me, people really need to stop pronouncing it as Dome-it, rather than Doom-it. For one thing, the word Dome carries a terrible connotation around here, and for another, Doom-it sounds far more badass. Not to mention works better with my Bermanism.)
Merriment.........................................................9 1/2................................................Levity
Mirth.................................................................6 1/2................................................Merriment
Revelry..............................................................3 1/2................................................Mirth
(Because saying you had a "good time" is just so pedestrian. It's worth noting that many people don't think Mirth should be more than a 3-point underdog to anyone, this line could move a fair amount as we approach gameday.)
March weather in Minneapolis.......................20 degrees.........................April weather in Minneapolis
(Perhaps the first time in hostory that anyone missed the weather in February.)
"Kyrie" by Mr. Mister....................................Pick.................................."Your Love" by The Outfield
(Having an extremely difficult time determining my favorite corny 80s tune.)
Christian Ponder's career w/Matt Kalil.........5 years................Christian Ponder's career w/o Matt Kalil
(I'm not saying it would kill me to see the Vikings take Morris Claiborne...but it might kill Christian.)
Idiotic pick that makes no sense at all..............14 1/2.........................Kalil or Claiborne
(And now we get to the elephant in the room.)
"Pack the moving vans"..............................One week........"Just fill in the amount on this blank check"
(Posturing would be funnier if it wasn't such an annoying waste of time.)
Football stadium cost - 2007...........................$300 million.......................Football stadium cost - 2012
(And here's where the annoying part comes in.)
Francisco Liriano's ERA......................................887...............................Francisco Liriano's weight
(I know the expression is "Can't hit his weight", but perhaps we could come up with some variation like "Can't pitch five times his weight" for Frankie.)
Actually being there before.............................10 1/2........................Acting like you've been there before
(Which is why I like Boston over Washington tonight and Ottawa over the Rangers tomorrow night.)
Vikings playoff chances.....................................2 1/2.................................Twins playoff chances
Wild playoff chances..........................................6 1/2.................................Vikings playoff chances
Hell freezing over..............................................3 1/2.................................Wild playoff chances
Wolves playoff chances.....................................1 1/2.................................Hell freezing over
(Your move Mayans.)
Seabreeze............................................................4 1/2...............................................Mojito
(Both are refreshing on a hot day, and the Seabreeze perhaps a tad swishy, but if you have the kind of friends who think it's hilarious not to tell somone they have a mint leaf stuck in their teeth, there's only one choice.)
Rockin steady....................................................6 1/2.............................................Rockin hard
(Anyone can have one big moment, consistency is the hallmark of a champion.)
"Man it's tough to find Twins tickets!".........12 months........"Anybody want these free Twins tickets?"
(Won't be long until Dollar Dog night and bobbleheads are back.)
"Enough with the NFL draft coverage"............Everybody..........."We need more NFL draft coverage"
(I could also do without that clock that counts down the seconds to the Olympics popping up during any more sporting events, but that's a rant for another day.)
Rock...................................................................9 1/2..................................................Scissors
Scissors..............................................................9 1/2...................................................Paper
Paper.................................................................No line................................................Rock
(I tend to follow Mickey from "Seinfeld"'s logic on this one. If you want to disagree, I'd like to challege you to a duel, arm yourself with a piece of paper, while I wield this rock.)
Wolves 1st round draft picks on Tuesday............1...........Wolves 1st round draft picks today
(Finally, something worthwhile from the state of Utah.)
A bird in hand......................................................Pick.............................................Two in the bush
(Particularly if there are thorns on said bush.)
Ron Artest attacking opposing fan....................23 1/2................... Ron Artest elbowing opposing player
(Can't believe they suspended him, remarkable improvement if you ask me, not nearly as fun as a spectator though.)
Norwood Teague, Attorney-at-law......................3 1/2.......................Norwood Teague, athletic director
(But I suppose if Grant Balfour can be a pitcher and Jason Dufner a pro golfer, you can't read too much into it. Good thing we have a guy named Kill coaching the football team to balance this out.)
Rick Spielman, Assistant GM - Cleveland..........2 1/2...........Rick Spielman, GM - Minnesota
(Start proving me wrong, Rick.)
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