My how the tables have turned.
It seemed like only yesterday I was the one gearing up to watch my team in the Frozen Four, in a hometown setting no less, with thousands of my green-clad brethren. Now, a year after choking away that tourney as prohibitive favorites, I'm forced to endure the ignominy of watching not only one of, but the two teams I hate most in college hockey tangle in Thursday night's semifinal.
I want the power to go out.
I want the ice to melt.
I want anything to happen that will keep either Boston College or Minnesota from advancing to the season's final game. Because as we all know, this is the true final, the winner will be national champions again, and after all the torment I've endured, that just sucks.
This is not to say that these two teams don't deserve to be here, they were the best in the game for large portions of the season, and the best by a wide margin when it truly mattered. It's just that after years of being surrounded by Gopher fans, and having my heart ripped out by BC teams, I f*cking hate both of these schools. Usually the only people that will be happier than me to see the Gophers miss on a national title would be anyone with on-street parking in Dinkytown, but having to watch BC hoist another? That might be just as bad.
Not sure what to do here, can't root, don't even want to watch. But I will, because I can't help myself, so the question is, which is the greater of these two evils?
None of this is to be taken as personal, because it certainly isn't. There have only been a few Gopher fans in my life that I wanted to pummel in to dust, and it's been years since I felt that way about any of them. Most importantly, I've always restrained myself. As a matter of fact, just about all of my friends are Gopher fans. Not only do we share 99% common ground when rooting on Minnesota sports teams, but I'd do just about anything for them, up to and including giving up a kidney if the situation called for it. Let's not confuse people with fans here.
I'm also aware, and have stated more than once in this space, that every fanbase has it's annoying and embarrassing members. I know there's been more than one occasion when the actions of a fellow North Dakota fan have made me cringe and/or facepalm. I mean who can forget this classic? That's that's the number one result on YouTube when you type in "North Dakota fan", quite the proud legacy.
But with that said, there's one overwhelming reason why I have trouble jumping on board and back the maroon-and-gold against BC: Gopher hockey fans are a bunch of cunts.
Now I know that some people chafe at that word, particularly women, so I first want to say to the female readers of this blog (all three of you) there is no gender connotation associated with that word as it's used in this context. I'm using it more the British context, where it's really more akin to "jerk" or "f*ckhead". If you'll please read on, I will disabuse you of any notions of sexism that you may be harboring at the moment.
Because I'm certainly not accusing Gopher fans of acting like women (except on occasion when they channel Edina hockey moms when one of their precious cupcakes takes a big hit); if they were acting like women, they'd have better things to do than heckle me about college hockey. I'm accusing them of acting like f*cking cunts. Not to mention, that word has really gotten a worse rap than it deserves, as my pal Jim Jeffries explains (language NSFW, particularly if there are cunts in your place of employment).
Smug and self-important, with an inflated sense of their worth, that's the definition of cunty behavior in my book. Like the kid in high school who's daddy bought him a Lexus, or the bosses kid who gets made a VP despite not knowing what the company even does. They look down their nose at you, make condescending comments about everything but the actual matter at hand. F*cking cunts.
On the flip side of that, Boston College is a bunch of dicks. Just a bunch of huge dicks, rolling into everyone's good time and f*cking everything up. No manners, no regard for anyone but themselves, they'll show up at a party, drink all your booze, trash the place and leave you to pick up the pieces. You just want to crack one of them upside the head with a Louisville Slugger as soon as he walks through the door. Unfortunately that's the thing about dicks, they travel in packs, and even if you manage to lay the first one out, there's 3 or 4 more coming at you immediately.
Both dicks and cunts are annoying, but the dicks are much more frontal (Ha!). They're the guy that will knock the tray out of your hands in the lunchroom, spilling stuff everywhere. The cunt, on the other hand, will be over on the side of things, snickering at your misfortune, then bringing it up a few weeks later in mixed company, so you can be shamed anew.
(By the way, see what I did there? The insulting language is now gender-neutral. And just to prove I have a sense of humor, I'll continue the analogy by saying that North Dakota fans are the assholes of college hockey. They come in, spewing their sh*t everywhere, smelling like they forgot to wipe the manure off their shoes. You have to go out of your way to see one in the first place, and once you do, you wish you hadn't. Not to mention, they've been pounded by BC like they were in prison a couple of times, so there's that.)
So there it is, the battle is set, Cunts vs Dicks. I'd say I don't know which way to opt, but then you'd turn that into some clever double-entendre by saying something like "Oh yeah, I heard that about you". Instead, I'll just say f*ck them both...wait a minute, dammit, this isn't working like I'd planned.
Okay, backing away from that statement, let's just say that for all my hatred of the Bostonians, and feelings that I should lend support to my friends in their pursuit, I just can't do it. As they say, the dick across town is still more tolerable than the cunt who lives nextdoor, so here's hoping the dicks pound you cunts on Thursday.
But hey, given my success in beating these dicks in Frozen Fours, you're probably better off with me on the other side of things anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment