Has it really been a week since I posted? Time gets lost when you step into Planet St. Paul. I'd like to start with a poem I wrote, inspired by my drive to work this morning:
Oh this winter has been such a b*tch
Like your car sliding into a ditch
The commutes have continued to blow
F*cking snow, f*cking snow, f*cking snow
Last week we got highs in the forties
Now the cold's grabbing us by the shorties
I should start driving south and just go
F*cking snow, f*cking snow, f*cking snow
When we finally hit April
And the spring finally seems to be here
There'll be one more kick in the nuts
Forcing you to bust out winter gear
One more year like this one and I'm movin
Can you blame us for the heavy boozin
Twins had better be good is all I know
F*cking Wild, f*cking Wolves, f*cking Gophs
Finally got a little something in the win column last weekend. Although that's all it is, just a little something, and nothing compared to a much bigger something I'm hoping to get in a few weeks time. But at least the Sioux won the Final Five, and for one night restored a bit of hope to these proceedings. Gopher fans, I don't know what to tell you, except that I might soon be joining you with nothing left to root for. And if it happens this weekend, oh I'll be bitter then. I'll walk around saying things like "Good thing baseball season is here, nice having something you get to invest six months in following daily before it all goes down in flames. Maybe we'll even get three more postseason games out of the deal, superb."
Because it's going to suck pretty bad if this year's Sioux team doesn't win the title, but it's going to be an f'n tragedy if they blow the the chance to win it in St. Paul. Now I know that the Gopher fans can say they've been there the last few years, but it's not quite the same. Missing the tourney entirely when you had home ice a-brewin is not quite the same of fumbling a chance to play at home for the title when you're the #1 team in the country. The Sioux are closer and have a real shot. I say this not to be a slang term for a rooster, just to convey how big an opportunity this would be to squander.
So the weekend was a blast. People slid down and fell over rails, mysteriously disappeared then reappeared hours later, hilariously captioned pictures, trashed supermarket aisles, surfed on hay bales, suffered light-to-moderate injuries, acquired a ton of cool flair, busted many a bracket, met old acquaintances, made new friends, coined a phrase or two and consumed mass quantities of cocktails. Most importantly, I laughed longer and harder than I had over any weekend in recent memory.
Some of that laughter was due to moderate-to-heavy drinking. In fact it's kind of funny how light-to-moderate injuries go hand in hand with moderate-to-heavy drinking. It's also worth noting that light-to-moderate injuries also inspire a good deal of laughter in their own right, which is pretty much to be expected. I mean you wouldn't laugh at a serious injury, like a car accident, but a moderate one? Like slipping on some stairs and landing on your ass? Well there's nothing wrong with getting a chuckle out of that. Interestingly enough, this whole situation makes for a nice rule of thumb when people are wondering what constitutes excessive drinking: If you suffer a moderate injury, you were drinking heavily. If you suffer a serious one, your drinking was most likely in excess.
All of that was a roundabout segue to tell you that the Big Ten Hockey Conference sucks. Because Monday I got the news that after two more seasons, the Gophers and Badgers will be leaving the WCHA and the Final Five will be no more. This whole thing is like someone gave me a dog, I had him for years, then one day they told me he was being put down in two years, regardless of circumstance. Two more Final Fives before the WCHA carts it's tourney to Denver and barely draws flies? Two more years until the Gophers start playing half their games in the Eastern timezone and only see in-state rivals on occasion? Pardon me guys, but this seems like a really lousy idea.
None of the Gopher fans I know, and they number many, see this as a good change. Sure there are six Big Ten teams playing hockey, big whoop, putting them in the same league is a dumb idea. Just because Penn St. gets a big donation and waves a magic wand over it's club team, we're going to break up the best college hockey conference in America? Maybe some of the folks talking are correct, and the clout of the Big Ten Network will lead to scores of new hockey fans and an tsunami of cash rolling over the conference members...but I doubt it.
Because as badly as those of us who count ourselves fans would like to see millions of people embrace hockey coast to coast, it's just not going to happen. This Big Ten situation reminds me of the wave of NHL relocations and expansions to southern markets in the '90s. Historic franchises were uprooted, conferences changed names(bring back Campbell and Wales!) and realigned, rivalries were crushed, and for what? So that the sport could find itself worse off than when it began the process, wandering the wilderness of Versus with teams on the brink of bankruptcy? The powers that be keep trying to make the game something that it's not, and in their quest to "grow the game", usually end up destroying something the current fans love about it. Change is inevitable, but change should be about progress. Watering down a good sport by thinning the talent pool with teams no one cares about? Not my idea of progress. Quality over quantity as the saying goes. Remember I said this when the Gophers are beating Illinois 11-2 during the 2018 Big Ten hockey tourney.
Now I know it's a done deal, so I'll stop railing at the wind here in a moment, but this whole situation is another unfortunate reminder of hockey's tendency to be it's own worst enemy. As I've said before, the games is a niche sport, and as such needs to take care of it's most devoted fans first. College hockey is in this vein even more so, as many times the only option for seeing the game is actually going to the arena. You can't write this off as the ramblings of a bitter Sioux fan who's worried is team will get left behind, but trust me when I say that has nothing to do with it. One only had to go to St. Paul this weekend to see that Sioux Nation isn't going anywhere. It's more about 7 PM games being replaced by 6 PM games, about Gophers-Duluth being replaced by Gophers-Ohio St, the whole thing seems wrong. But it's happening, hope it doesn't play out like the pros, or ten years from now you'll need a ham radio to pick up a game of Big Ten puck.
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Switching gears here, a funny thing happened this year and I managed to pick a reasonably good bracket. Don't get me wrong, I fully expect it to come crashing down at any moment, but entering the round of 16, I have all my Final Four teams and six of my Elite Eight left alive. Rarefied air for this cat.
Random chance had a rougher go of things however, but just to prove how random this tourney actually is, let's look at the results of the coinflip bracket by region:
East - Perfect bracket thusfar, I **** you not. Sure Ohio St, Kentucky and North Carolina were on a lot of boards, but Marquette taking out Syracuse? Scoring this region, I thought I'd found my new method, but things tailed off just a bit, as you'll see.
West - Hit 5 of 8 games in the first round, pretty solid. Had Penn St. beating San Diego St, not great, but not so bad with the Final Four team (UConn) still in play. Texas is the problem here, for the coin liked them over Duke and that's obviously not going to happen. Still, all in all, if UConn makes the Four, call this one a success.
Southwest - It's here where things really went South (pun intended) for Mr. Chance. Vandy to the Sweet 16, yikes. Purdue to the Final 4, ouch. Purdue winning the title, EGAD! Florida St over Notre Dame was a nice pick though. Moving on.
Southeast - All Sweet 16 teams dead, no chance for anymore points from this bracket, and Mr. Voltin, please report to the winner's circle.
But what does any of this really prove? That I have a slightly better head for college basketball than the one on a quarter? That this whole thing should spawn a new theory about picking games in a blind draw for seeds 4-13, then using your brain from there? Or just that March Madness is exactly the crapshoot we thought it was, and trying to act as if you know something is total BS? I think it's the last one, just Google "Jay Bilas rips VCU" or watch the end of the Butler-Pitt game again if you think otherwise.
Speaking of that fateful game, something happened last weekend which I can't get out of my mind, and that's odd because it didn't happen to me. A guy I know, who incidentally reads this rag (and who I must apologize to for continually bringing it up, can't help myself!) lost an 8-game NCAA parlay on that Pitt meltdown. It intrigues me to put myself in that position, just to wonder what I'd do? Start bawling openly? Curse God and existence? Homocide? Self-immolation? Frankly I don't think anything is out of the question.
But hey, I'd probably never be there, because I'd never have the stones to lay the bet. A couple of seasons picking NFL games against the spread will make you gun-shy. I won a 3-game football parlay once that paid 5-to-1, and was in heaven. That was 5 years and many losses ago. So there's really no telling what would happen. But fortunately my buddy is calmer and more well-adjusted than me (who isn't really?) so he shrugged and took it in stride. Very admirable. I should learn something from that. But instead, I'd probably still end up looked like the guy on the Rage Against the Machine cover (the burning monk on the self-titles album you idiots, not the little kid on Evil Empire).
Here's wishing you continued Madness.
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