LeBron James and the Miami Heat won an NBA title last night, and since then, all forms of media have turned into a sermon on how fans are no longer allowed to dislike them.
We’re being lectured on how other athletes have done infinitely worse things, how he was never given the proper help in Cleveland, and how he’s gotten the point about past mistakes. The general themes have been “get over it” and “give credit where credit is due”, with prominent use of the word “hate” to describe the feelings of anyone who didn’t want to see that team win a title.
I count myself among those people, as do many other fans I know. Does this mean we’re misguided and irrational? Perhaps. But we’re fans, misguided and irrational is what we do. Frankly it’s kind of what makes sports fun in the first place, hyperbole and bombast removed from the calculating nature required in most of life. It’s tiresome to continuously be told by media types how we need to view players, teams, etc. You can present all the sound logic in the world, but if you want to take that logic a step further, then what are we all doing wasting our time watching a bunch of grown men playing children’s games in the first place? Professional sports is an irrational activity by its nature, a bizzaro world in which very few rules of everyday life apply…and thank God for that.
Many people who cover sports for a living that like to lecture the most always fall all over themselves trying to prove how far above the fray they are. “Fan” is a four-letter word, a bunch of rubes who go whichever way the wind blows and need to be reprimanded when they don’t hold the proper opinion. But it’s that very reactionary nature, the peaks and valleys, that fills talk radio hours and column inches. I understand it can make the group of us look as a whole (some of the Twitter reactions to the Percy Harvin situation made me embarrassed to count myself a Vikings fan) but for chrissakes Dad, lighten up with the finger-waving and let me have some fun.
Even those who didn’t want him to win can appreciate what LeBron James does on a basketball court. He’s an unbelievable player who will go down as one of the greats in history, no one is delusional enough to disagree with his talent. Does that mean I’m obligated to be happy about him winning? Not a chance. You can tell me to get over “The Decision” as much as you want, but the reality is that was the sh*ttiest thing I’ve ever seen done to a group of fans by a player. It wasn’t just an ‘Eff you’ to a single fanbase, but to everyone who ever invested themselves into a sports team. Like a team leaving town, it made it clear once again how little our allegiances mean in the scheme of things. A fans, we hate those moments, because it points out what fools we are for caring. Every time I’m close to getting over it, I put my shoes in the fan of some Cavs diehard who went through it, and have to wonder how I’d feel in their place.
Once again, the punditry is confusing “sports hate” with really hate, when the former is about a 1% dilution of the latter. Nobody thinks LBJ is a truly terrible person, or nobody wishes suffering upon him. (Well, at least nobody outside of Cleveland) Just about all of us are aware enough to see the bigger picture and realize that this is small potatoes in the scheme of things. If you put a real-world litmus test to it, like people you’d want living next door, then he’s probably way up the list in terms of the general population, not just pro athletes.
Did that stop me from hoping the Heat never win a title? Absolutely not, because on the other side of the equation will always be an opponent, who’s worked just as hard to get to that point and doesn’t have the baggage that Miami brings. The history here is just a deciding factor, a tipping point, that’s all. In a series between two teams with no rooting interest, the little things sway you. When you have the team built through the draft on one side and the collection of stars united through free agency on the other, I will always opt for the former. If it had been the Celtics representing the East, I would’ve probably rooted for them, due to the whole “Stolen Sonics” vibe, you never know how things will shake out until you’re there.
But as far as the “you’re an idiot if you still dislike LeBron James” lectures go, just stop. All the pundits out there go out of their way to tell us they aren’t fans all the time, and that we just don’t get it. In this case, they’re the ones who don’t get it. You can present your case, and it may be a sound one, but as fans, we reserve the right to collectively tell you to get bent.
Mock us for holding a grudge, but realize that what you’re truly mocking is caring deeply about sports in the first place, and without that, what are we doing here in the first place? If we’re guilty about something, it’s being delusional about the big picture of a fan’s role in sports, not our opinions on a single player. Accepting the underlying premise, while challenging the particulars of its execution is harping on the splinter in the finger, while ignoring the spear through the chest.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
WTF was that all about?
Loserville USA, where just because a team isn’t playing, doesn’t mean they can’t be supplying bad news.
A part of me wants to thank Percy Harvin for the last 48 hours. It’s as if he knew that talk radio and Twitter were slowing down a bit with the lull in the sports calendar, and he wanted to fire things up a bit.
And boy, did he ever.
The good ‘ol arc of the malcontented pro athlete is usually predictable. Guy says there are some things he isn’t happy with, guy insinuates he may rather be elsewhere, guy makes public display of not being seen. In 2012, we can add the always enjoyable “guy defends position and/or fuels fire on Twitter” to the mix. This is usually followed by either a holdout, or speculation about the possibility of a holdout, ending when one side decides to cave.
(As a sidebar, I love Twitter. It’s humanity unfiltered, simultaneously bringing the most insightful and astoundingly ignorant opinions to you instantly. Sure, it adds to the “microwave dinner over home cooking” feel that’s all over the place these days, but that genie came out of the bottle with the Internet years ago, I say we press on and see where this ship beaches.)
I’m not sure if I can recall a time in which the cycle played out more quickly than this one, a timeline (with fan reaction):
Tuesday afternoon – Percy Harvin cryptically talks about being unhappy with several issues (“Well this can’t be good, he must want more money.”)
Wednesday morning – It’s reported that Harvin has requested a trade (“Aw crap, somebody pay this guy more money before things get really ugly.”)
Wednesday afternoon – Vikings GM says they’re not trading Percy Harvin (“If Randy Moss can get traded, anybody can. Give him more money.”)
Wednesday afternoon – Percy Harvin skips mandatory practice (“Geez, he’s really playing hardball on this money thing.”)
Wednesday evening – Bernard Berrian tweets that he’s not surprised Harvin is upset with the Vikings (“I can only assume that if he’s using a phone to do this, it was not thrown to him.”)
Wednesday night – Harvin takes to Twitter to say this whole thing is not about money (“Riiiiiiiiight.”)
Thursday morning – Harvin is back at practice (“Sweet, they must’ve reassured him they’d take care of the money.”)
Thursday afternoon – Harvin tweets once again about having a great practice and that he will see Vikings fans at training camp (“Must’ve been a sizeable amount of money.”)
I could be wrong in my assumption that this whole thing was about cash. It would be nice to think that some player was kicking up this kind of fuss because of genuine concern about the best way for the team to win, but I’ve been jaded far past that point. Every time some pro says “it’s not about the money”, it usually takes them mere moments to demonstrate that it is in fact, about the money.
Not that there’d be anything wrong with that being the motivation in this case. Percy Harvin is a highly skilled player on a bad team, playing a brutally violent game with short windows of opportunity. Not to mention by far the best receiver on a roster where he’s the third-highest paid. Not to mention, you could argue that Harvin is better than a few high-profile receivers that got healthy contracts this offseason. Add all this stuff up, and I’d argue it’d be a surprise if he didn’t demand more money coming into this year.
I’m all for respecting contracts when it comes to real life, in fact the world couldn’t function without them. But in the goofy land of the NFL, where every blockbuster deal comes with two sets of numbers, the actual pay and the fantasy millions that’ll never be earned, a contract doesn’t mean much. Are there limits? Of course. A player making these kind of disputes an annual occurrence is quickly going to become more trouble than he’s worth. But for a guy who’s obviously underpaid, crucially needed by his team, and playing a sport where he’s one big hit from an uncertain future? Who are we to say he’s wrong to want added security?
Bargaining power makes the NFL go round, the same forces that got the Vikings their stadium a few weeks ago should ultimately drive the team to (within reason) fulfill Percy Harvin’s monetary demands. This isn’t to say they should pay him like a #1 receiver, or even like the true open-market free agent he’ll be in a couple of years. But Steve Johnson will make $7 million this season, and Harvin less than $1 million. You could have a healthy debate over which player you’d rather have, so what does that tell you? And yes, I know Johnson was a free agent, the point is that the disparity shouldn’t be that large.
The last lame argument a few peoples have thrown out is that Harvin did this to himself, with knucklehead actions that caused him to fall in the draft, limiting his rookie contract. That may be true, but when you give Jerome Simpson $2 million dollars for 13 games, fresh off getting busted with a dumpster full of pot, your organization has effectively lost the high ground on that conversation. I’m no Percy apologist either, thought he’d be too small to take the punishment and wanted the Vikings to draft Michael Oher. Willing to say I was wrong on that, not quite to dead wrong, but may be there before both careers are done.
The scary part of all this for Vikings fans? What if Harvin is being honest when he says it’s not about money? What if a highly skilled football player who’s played on championship teams likes so little of what he sees from this team at the moment that he wants out? Having dealt with years of the Wolves, Wild and Twins being unable to attract or retain star players, it’s almost too much to fathom the Vikings being thrown into the same limbo. This is the one team, and the one league, where things operate on a truly even playing field. Now if some factor is at play that will make Minnesota the pariah of the NFL amongst current players and potential free agents?
Well the thought of a guy holding out for more cash is comparably a dream scenario.
A part of me wants to thank Percy Harvin for the last 48 hours. It’s as if he knew that talk radio and Twitter were slowing down a bit with the lull in the sports calendar, and he wanted to fire things up a bit.
And boy, did he ever.
The good ‘ol arc of the malcontented pro athlete is usually predictable. Guy says there are some things he isn’t happy with, guy insinuates he may rather be elsewhere, guy makes public display of not being seen. In 2012, we can add the always enjoyable “guy defends position and/or fuels fire on Twitter” to the mix. This is usually followed by either a holdout, or speculation about the possibility of a holdout, ending when one side decides to cave.
(As a sidebar, I love Twitter. It’s humanity unfiltered, simultaneously bringing the most insightful and astoundingly ignorant opinions to you instantly. Sure, it adds to the “microwave dinner over home cooking” feel that’s all over the place these days, but that genie came out of the bottle with the Internet years ago, I say we press on and see where this ship beaches.)
I’m not sure if I can recall a time in which the cycle played out more quickly than this one, a timeline (with fan reaction):
Tuesday afternoon – Percy Harvin cryptically talks about being unhappy with several issues (“Well this can’t be good, he must want more money.”)
Wednesday morning – It’s reported that Harvin has requested a trade (“Aw crap, somebody pay this guy more money before things get really ugly.”)
Wednesday afternoon – Vikings GM says they’re not trading Percy Harvin (“If Randy Moss can get traded, anybody can. Give him more money.”)
Wednesday afternoon – Percy Harvin skips mandatory practice (“Geez, he’s really playing hardball on this money thing.”)
Wednesday evening – Bernard Berrian tweets that he’s not surprised Harvin is upset with the Vikings (“I can only assume that if he’s using a phone to do this, it was not thrown to him.”)
Wednesday night – Harvin takes to Twitter to say this whole thing is not about money (“Riiiiiiiiight.”)
Thursday morning – Harvin is back at practice (“Sweet, they must’ve reassured him they’d take care of the money.”)
Thursday afternoon – Harvin tweets once again about having a great practice and that he will see Vikings fans at training camp (“Must’ve been a sizeable amount of money.”)
I could be wrong in my assumption that this whole thing was about cash. It would be nice to think that some player was kicking up this kind of fuss because of genuine concern about the best way for the team to win, but I’ve been jaded far past that point. Every time some pro says “it’s not about the money”, it usually takes them mere moments to demonstrate that it is in fact, about the money.
Not that there’d be anything wrong with that being the motivation in this case. Percy Harvin is a highly skilled player on a bad team, playing a brutally violent game with short windows of opportunity. Not to mention by far the best receiver on a roster where he’s the third-highest paid. Not to mention, you could argue that Harvin is better than a few high-profile receivers that got healthy contracts this offseason. Add all this stuff up, and I’d argue it’d be a surprise if he didn’t demand more money coming into this year.
I’m all for respecting contracts when it comes to real life, in fact the world couldn’t function without them. But in the goofy land of the NFL, where every blockbuster deal comes with two sets of numbers, the actual pay and the fantasy millions that’ll never be earned, a contract doesn’t mean much. Are there limits? Of course. A player making these kind of disputes an annual occurrence is quickly going to become more trouble than he’s worth. But for a guy who’s obviously underpaid, crucially needed by his team, and playing a sport where he’s one big hit from an uncertain future? Who are we to say he’s wrong to want added security?
Bargaining power makes the NFL go round, the same forces that got the Vikings their stadium a few weeks ago should ultimately drive the team to (within reason) fulfill Percy Harvin’s monetary demands. This isn’t to say they should pay him like a #1 receiver, or even like the true open-market free agent he’ll be in a couple of years. But Steve Johnson will make $7 million this season, and Harvin less than $1 million. You could have a healthy debate over which player you’d rather have, so what does that tell you? And yes, I know Johnson was a free agent, the point is that the disparity shouldn’t be that large.
The last lame argument a few peoples have thrown out is that Harvin did this to himself, with knucklehead actions that caused him to fall in the draft, limiting his rookie contract. That may be true, but when you give Jerome Simpson $2 million dollars for 13 games, fresh off getting busted with a dumpster full of pot, your organization has effectively lost the high ground on that conversation. I’m no Percy apologist either, thought he’d be too small to take the punishment and wanted the Vikings to draft Michael Oher. Willing to say I was wrong on that, not quite to dead wrong, but may be there before both careers are done.
The scary part of all this for Vikings fans? What if Harvin is being honest when he says it’s not about money? What if a highly skilled football player who’s played on championship teams likes so little of what he sees from this team at the moment that he wants out? Having dealt with years of the Wolves, Wild and Twins being unable to attract or retain star players, it’s almost too much to fathom the Vikings being thrown into the same limbo. This is the one team, and the one league, where things operate on a truly even playing field. Now if some factor is at play that will make Minnesota the pariah of the NFL amongst current players and potential free agents?
Well the thought of a guy holding out for more cash is comparably a dream scenario.
Friday, June 15, 2012
This really has nothing to do with anything
Everything in life is more interesting when cast in a hero/villain context. Sometimes when stuck in traffic, I’ll pick out two cars near me, dubbing one as hero, the other enemy. It gives me great satisfaction when HeroCar vanquishes VillainMobile, particularly if VillainMobile was trying to game the system but weaving in and out of rush hour traffic. Incidentally, there’s no way to get branded in that role more quickly, it’s a pretentious act that indicates you feel your time is more important than the rest of us. “Traffic? Unacceptable! I’ve got 4 episodes of Mad Men on DVR that I need to get home and watch!”
I bring this up because I can’t decide who is the villain in the NBA Finals. The easy answer is the Heat, given that they employ the guy who gave a double-middle-finger salute to an entire city of adoring fans a couple years ago. But when you think about it, how is that better than an entire franchise giving that same gesture to an entire city? Perhaps it’s just the jilted North Stars fan in me remembering the North Stars leaving town with a talent, young nucleus and going on to win the Stanley Cup in short order, but I’m having trouble throwing my weight behind Oklahoma City.
Getting to watch Kevin Durant for one year was the cruelest thing that could’ve happened to the people of Seattle. If he’d shown up the first season after the move, it would’ve just been like hearing about some unworthy douchebag from high school who won the lottery and married a knockout. Instead it’s like your girlfriend dumped you, moved in with the guy next door, and they leave the curtains open when they have sex. At some point I’ll get over this, but it’s too soon, my 12-year old self is insisting I stand in solidarity with my fellow orphaned fans.
On a completely unrelated (and decidedly more personal) note, I inadvertently spit on someone the other day.
Fortunately it wasn’t a stranger, just a friend who happened to say something funny right after I took a sip of beer. Accidentally spitting while talking (spalking) is just one of those things that happens once in awhile when you’re brain can’t process the three commands of drink/laugh/talk as discrete events. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of ways that can go down, a whole spitting-while-drinking continuum, or Spit-In-Uum, if you will. It goes from a single tiny droplet of spittle, small enough as to only be visible when passing through a ray of sunshine, to a full on carwash-with-the-windows-open sort of effect. This was closer to the latter. Not the worst I’ve ever done, but definitely not something that went unnoticed.
The odd thing about the Spit-In-Uum is, the more egregious the incident, the less likely you are to bring it up. Watching a microscopic fleck exit my mouth in the general direction of someone a half-acre away immediately sends me into a profuse “Oh, I’m sorry, did I just spit on you? Heavens to Betsy” sort of apology, even though 9 times out of 10 the at-risk party has no idea how close they came to being violated by a micro-loogie. On the other hand, foaming at them like a geyser-meets-Ocean Spray commercial inspires an “Oh geez! Maybe they didn’t notice?!?!” silence that’s more awkward than the first time your junior high football coach told you to “Get in there and give Jimmy a blow”. Needless to say, he was not speaking literally…resisting the urge to make a Jerry Sandusky joke.
Before I go any further with this line of thinking, I want to disabuse you of any notions along the lines of “starting to get some insight into this fellow’s lack of success on the dating scene”. I’m not walking around spraying reams of saliva in every direction, not channeling Daffy Duck or anything over here. (There is a nasty allegation of a drooling incident a few years back, which I flatly deny) It simply happens that through years of accumulated conversation and drinking, you’re going to have a few of these incidents. You may not have had enough to require pondering the subject on these levels, but I like to talk a lot, and it’s usually while drinking, spit happens, get over it.
To go A-to-B-to-C on this conversation, the direct correlation between cubic centimeters of spittle loosed and reluctance to call attention to it made me consider how this played out on other bodily mishaps. When a small French horn fart is loosed in mixed company, it can be laughed at and played off; it’s more tuba-like cousin however cannot. Some things are an exception, like bleeding on stuff. The more blood you lose, the more you want to call attention to it. Unless of course you were doing something stupid that you were warned against. In that case you’d want to patch it up, get to the hospital and try to blame any collateral damage on “the dog getting into something”. Particularly if you’ve bled on something important. Tis always better to risk life and limb than handing someone an “I-told-you-so” moment they can lord over you.
Shots to the nuts fall right in line with the general rule, you really would rather not have them brought up. Again, particularly if you were doing something highly questionable immediately prior. The rarer cousin of the spit problem, is the inadvertent nasal projectile, of which there are two classes: Bat-In-Cave and Snot Rocket. In the most egregious Bat-In-Cave scenario, etiquette requires a subtle pointing out of the problem, likely featuring the words “you’ve got a little something”, similar to when someone has lettuce in their teeth. The Snot Rocket is just one that should never be acknowledged, period. If you’re ever witness to one of these sad occurrences, have the human empathy to act as if you didn’t see it. Give the person a chance to salvage some of their dignity, lest they be scarred for life. They’re perfectly aware they just blew a snot on their shirt, and are just feverishly hoping you didn’t, even though it’s tough to miss.
So, if I had to rank these types of items, based on level of embarrassment, I’d do so as follows:
(All are assumed to have occurred under the worst case scenario, e.g. first date or job interview. If you’re hanging out with your friends, or spouse, all bets are off.)
1. Urinating anywhere other than outdoors or in the intended receptacle – Ahhh, college.
2. The Snot Rocket – Extremely rare, just as deadly, an argument for not cropping nose hairs too closely.
3. High level spalk – If occurring outdoors, attempt to play off on passing shower. If occurring indoors, ignore and fake slight cough, as if something’s caught in your throat, tough to blame a choking victim.
4. Any injury involving burns, breaks or bleeding (non-life threatening of course) that occurs through a voluntary activity with no real point – Usually preceeded by the phrase “Hey, check this out!”
5. A shot to the nuts under the conditions listed above – Who knew that testing out the 20 year old pogo stick you dug out of the garage could have negative consequences?
6. Bat-In-Cave - Happens to the best of us.
7. Low level spalk – Can actually be turned into a positive by making a self-deprecating joke. Look how confident and self-aware you are, you sly devil.
Yup, this is the kind of stuff I end up pondering when I spend a week trying to stay out of bars.
Happy Friday.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
The Lull
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, what started out as a simple funk became a full on lull there, which I never meant to happen.
The progression of places to be stuck goes: Funk, Lull, Rut, Black Hole. Things haven’t quite reached Rut status, but there is a severe lack of things to get fired up about.
Unlike most people (especially those in cold-weather climes) I don’t place great value on the summer months. With the playoffs winding down, I’m as antsy as a heroin addict . Hockey and basketball kept the fix alive for a moment but it's all about to go cold turkey? The Kings held the Cup aloft last night, soon another team will be doing the same with whatever that NBA trophy is called, then nothing left to look forward to but a lot of July evenings.
Okay, it's not quite that stark, but you get my drift. Baseball is fine, but with the Twins eliciting phrases like “lost season” and “see what the young guns can do”, there's not much hope anything compelling in that department. It’s only mid-June, but spending the better part of two months staggering around like a bunch of drunken hobos has dug a hole that’s far too deep to crawl out of. Baseball just isn’t the same when you’re team is two bus rides and a short flight from contention. The bio-rhythmic relationship developed following a relevant ballclub day-to-day is enough to make things interesting. I can’t say the same about catching the Royals and Tigers facing off in game #84 of 162.
Not to mention, May 31st marked our 600th day without a playoff game here in Loserville. I don’t know what’s more depressing, that streak, the fact that we’re an absolute lock to reach 2 years given the recent state of the Twins, or the fact that, barring an unexpected push by the Wild or Wolves, 1,000 days is easily attainable. (In case you were wondering, Day 999 would be July 4th, 2013, festive, eh?) Although there is a bit of comedy to be found in the headline of this story. Dark comedy perhaps, but still.
For all those reasons, it's time to find alternatives to thinking/talking/writing about sports. Now before you start in with the snarky get-a-life cleverness, I do am aware of the upside summer brings. Golf, boating, fishing, patios, barbecuing, riding a tandem bike around a lake while singing the theme song to Luverne and Shirley, there a plenty of quality things to do when it’s warm. Problem is, it's weekend stuff, it takes time and planning, and is difficult to fit into the couple hours available each evening after the day winds down.
Work is the main problem in the pursuit of summer fun, what with their outrageous demand that we show up for 8 hours a day, every single weekday. Tack on the morning commute, some kind of physical activity to ward off a future as a 300-pound diabetic, and there's not much of the day left for anything time consuming. I’d love to boat more, but my thyroid had other plans.
So, you get home at night, after all that nonsense, have a little bite to eat, maybe set some things up for tomorrow, and have a couple hours to kill. What do you do to unwind?
Let’s consider some options:
Watch network TV
A couple whacks in the face with the sharp end of a claw hammer sounds preferable.
Most network television is like having the back of your chair kicked on an airplane. You can put up with a few minutes, but after that, bad things are going to happen if it doesn’t stop. I’ve never physically harmed a child, and don’t think myself capable, but the times I’ve come the closest all this particular annoyance and some smug little sh*t who knows exactly what he’s doing, yet chooses to persist.
For anyone who’s ever shaken their head at someone taking a bunch of guys tossing a ball around way too seriously, let me just say that the feeling is mutual whenever we try to contemplate the crap you watch. Doesn’t matter if it’s American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, any show involving the word “Housewives”, or any of the dozen detective shows involving an acronym, the entertainment value is totally lost on me. I’m a Law and Order guy from way back, but in those days they kept the soap opera plots confined to afternoons. Now everything is “long-lost daughter” this and “running an online escort service out of a dorm room” that. How lowbrow, Lenny Briscoe is rolling over in his grave.
Also, I’m probably about a decade late to the party on this one, but I just can't get past Ice-T, the guy who performed the song “Cop Killer”, making his living playing a cop on TV? Excuse me, but the irony police would like some answers here. Life is too bizarre to count anything out these days, five years from now we’re headed for The Rock and P!nk teaming up as former X-Games competitors turned cops in Law & Order: EXTREME!
And when one of them slaps the hancuffs on a bad guy after while hurtling towards Earth after skidiving out of a plane, people will love it, just watch it happen.
(Incidentally, the only network television show that I watch regularly these days is "How I Met Your Mother", and frankly I'm not sure that's going to continue when it cranks up again next fall. At this point, I'm watching more out of obligation than anything, having invested too many years following it to turn back now. But with each passing week, it feels more like throwing good money after bad. The brilliant writing witnessed in running gags like Slap Bet has been increasingly replaced by the kind of mundane season-fillers that marred "Friends" after they neutered the only funny character on the show (Chandler) and turned it into something only women would watch.
I'm also getting sick and tired of the never ending run of false starts surrounding things that may or may not happen in the future. Seriously, this damn show has more parallel threads than "Inception", and even less motivation to move any of them toward resolution. At this point I'm trying to back into how old Future Ted's kids are, so I can add 9 months and arrive at a minimum timeframe for him to finally meet their damn mother. One of the episodes showed him holding a baby in what was supposed to be 2015, but that certainly won't stop them from twisting that into some kind of "baby left on the doorstep" plotline if the checks are still cashing.
Yet I can't turn it off, we've come too far. The whole thing has an ugly Soprano-esque feel to it, where the ultimate ending will be crushed under the weight of the buildup and leave people walking away feeling bitter about something that they once loved.
End rant, needed to get that off my chest, I feel like a prisoner on my own couch.)
And yes, I’m painfully aware that no one else cares about the things I enjoy either (NOBODY!), as this article makes abundantly clear. If you’re a hockey fan still holding out hope of the game gaining popularity in America, you probably don’t want to click that link.
Follow the news/politics
Not a typical thought of as a “leisure” activity, I know, but kicking back with a bit of serious reading material for some news and opinion is still a staple of many an evening. Attempting to stay informed is sort of our duty as Americans, but lately it’s been difficult. Most days a kick in the nuts is preferable to a dose of economic news, the pain passes more quickly.
Not to mention, the term "informed" has become kind of meaningless, because anyone can find some outlet that will support whatever harebrained position they've come up with. While it's nice to not have to concern yourself with facts (which as Homer Simpson reminds us are meaningless), the downside is that it makes it damned hard to reach agreement on anything, and the incessant arguing gets tiresome.
The current political climate in America as like two people looking at a picture of a duckbill platypus:
A: “This is clearly a picture of a rabbit”
B: “I can see how someone with your lack of perspective might assume that, but obviously it’s a duck”
A: “Your problem is that everything looks like a duck to you, every situation it’s ‘duck this’ and ‘duck that’; perceiving a rabbit as a duck is exactly why your policies don’t work”
B: “Oh really? Well your problem is that you feel so threatened by the very existence of ducks, so much so that you need to delude yourself into thinking the world contains only rabbits”
A: “And all you care about is forcing your duck-based agenda on everyone, regardless of the consequences”
B: “What can I say, learned from the best, that’s the one and only play in your book”
A: “YOUR INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THAT THIS IS A RABBIT IS WHAT’S RUINING AMERICA!”
B: “WHO’S AMERICA? YOURS? THE AMERICA THAT I GREW UP LEARNING ABOUT IN SCHOOL WOULD ACCORD DUCKS THE PROPER RESPECT!”
Meanwhile, the sane among us stand off to the side and think “For f*cks sake, it’s a platypus.”
The only amusing moments come from laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Case in point, what happened last week in Wisconsin.
I get that their governor broke Jesse Ventura’s record for most people pissed off during the first few months of an administration, but requiring the guy to get re-elected to the job he’d just won? Well that just seems like being a sore loser. But he did, which is great. Notbecause of his policies, or character, or any of that nonsense, just because it lessense the chances of more elections. When a guy gets elected, nothing short of felony charges should be cause for putting us all through another election before his term has run it's course.
Otherwise, the whole thing was a superb idea, when you can get the exact same result out of a second divisive political election for the bargain price of $60 million and a ton of wasted time…well you’ve gotta do it!
The good people of Wisconsin saw where all this was going an made a preemptive strike against the horror of more elections. The last thing we need is political battles adopting a UFC-type schedule here. Imagine never having a week pass without being asked to sign some ouster petition in the entry way of the supermarket. You're just minding your own business, making a quick stop for some chocolate milk and a box of Steak-Ums, and a representative government debate breaks out in the frozen foods section. The commercials, the rallies, debates preempting stuff you wanted to watch, the horror of it all is unfathomable.
So that’s why I say thank you Wisconsin, even if you didn’t agree with what was going on, you did the right thing. Elections are like the Summer Olympics, barely tolerable every 4 years, likely to incite homicidal violence if held more often. Way to make the next batch of busybodies think twice before they start flitting about with their clipboards.
Woodworking/Gardening/Cooking
Much like how certain things can’t be sports, these can’t be hobbies. Woodworking is a way to make places to sit and places to put stuff. Gardening and cooking are methods of feeding yourself, and I’ve already mastered that art, as anyone who’s seen me eat can attest. Plus this all sounds too much like work, woodworking even has work in the name. Not to mention that it’s a good way to lose part of your anatomy, people who don’t handle sharp objects on a regular basis are rarely lacking any of their digits.
Catch up on summer reading
This one actually has some potential, because I legitimately enjoy reading. Not only are the narratives far superior to anything in film or television, it allows me to use to utilize the sneakily condescending “No, I didn’t see that, but I read the book”, in response to many questions. The subtle air of intellectual superiority, framed in a passive-aggressive enough context to avoid being taken as an overt putdown, it's wonderful. Because they know, and you know that they know, but what can they do? After all you’re a reader, protest too much and you might melt them with your mind ray.
The problem I have is the guilt of not reading weighty enough subjects. Not talking about textbooks, because I’ve had enough of those for a lifetime. I’d rather string barbed wire from said scholarly tome to my genitals and throw it off the roof of a building than read another word of it. But there are all those other books out there, they populate the non-fiction section under an “entertaining, yet thought-provoking” guise. Unfortunately, they’re about as interesting and easy to follow as Facebook posts written in Farsi. Usually the trap is laid by someone above you on the reading continuum, who happens to drop a recommendation in passing about the “fascinating” book they just read on Eurasian hegemony in the Bronze Age.
Normally, my bullsh*t detector picks up on this stuff pretty quick, and you dismiss that person as a self-aggrandizing a-hole. I mean who really cares about Eurasia, hegemony or the Bronze Age? Never mind all three at once. But every so often, the insecurity kicks in, and my brain suddenly screams “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE NOT WORLDLY ENOUGH! QUICK, READ SOMETHING SMART-SOUNDING!” So I do, and occasionally it’s very good, and not a slog to get through. But most times it ends up making me wonder why I feel into the trap again. While gamely plowing through the remainder, of course, just to prove I can, but resenting the experience.
There’s potential here, but it need to be handled with great care, if only I had the money to screen and hire a personal reader with identical tastes to weed out the stuff I won’t like. Perhaps next quarter.
Anyway, the search for an acceptable time killer continues, at least I will have more time available for blogging.
(I know,
The progression of places to be stuck goes: Funk, Lull, Rut, Black Hole. Things haven’t quite reached Rut status, but there is a severe lack of things to get fired up about.
Unlike most people (especially those in cold-weather climes) I don’t place great value on the summer months. With the playoffs winding down, I’m as antsy as a heroin addict . Hockey and basketball kept the fix alive for a moment but it's all about to go cold turkey? The Kings held the Cup aloft last night, soon another team will be doing the same with whatever that NBA trophy is called, then nothing left to look forward to but a lot of July evenings.
Okay, it's not quite that stark, but you get my drift. Baseball is fine, but with the Twins eliciting phrases like “lost season” and “see what the young guns can do”, there's not much hope anything compelling in that department. It’s only mid-June, but spending the better part of two months staggering around like a bunch of drunken hobos has dug a hole that’s far too deep to crawl out of. Baseball just isn’t the same when you’re team is two bus rides and a short flight from contention. The bio-rhythmic relationship developed following a relevant ballclub day-to-day is enough to make things interesting. I can’t say the same about catching the Royals and Tigers facing off in game #84 of 162.
Not to mention, May 31st marked our 600th day without a playoff game here in Loserville. I don’t know what’s more depressing, that streak, the fact that we’re an absolute lock to reach 2 years given the recent state of the Twins, or the fact that, barring an unexpected push by the Wild or Wolves, 1,000 days is easily attainable. (In case you were wondering, Day 999 would be July 4th, 2013, festive, eh?) Although there is a bit of comedy to be found in the headline of this story. Dark comedy perhaps, but still.
For all those reasons, it's time to find alternatives to thinking/talking/writing about sports. Now before you start in with the snarky get-a-life cleverness, I do am aware of the upside summer brings. Golf, boating, fishing, patios, barbecuing, riding a tandem bike around a lake while singing the theme song to Luverne and Shirley, there a plenty of quality things to do when it’s warm. Problem is, it's weekend stuff, it takes time and planning, and is difficult to fit into the couple hours available each evening after the day winds down.
Work is the main problem in the pursuit of summer fun, what with their outrageous demand that we show up for 8 hours a day, every single weekday. Tack on the morning commute, some kind of physical activity to ward off a future as a 300-pound diabetic, and there's not much of the day left for anything time consuming. I’d love to boat more, but my thyroid had other plans.
So, you get home at night, after all that nonsense, have a little bite to eat, maybe set some things up for tomorrow, and have a couple hours to kill. What do you do to unwind?
Let’s consider some options:
Watch network TV
A couple whacks in the face with the sharp end of a claw hammer sounds preferable.
Most network television is like having the back of your chair kicked on an airplane. You can put up with a few minutes, but after that, bad things are going to happen if it doesn’t stop. I’ve never physically harmed a child, and don’t think myself capable, but the times I’ve come the closest all this particular annoyance and some smug little sh*t who knows exactly what he’s doing, yet chooses to persist.
For anyone who’s ever shaken their head at someone taking a bunch of guys tossing a ball around way too seriously, let me just say that the feeling is mutual whenever we try to contemplate the crap you watch. Doesn’t matter if it’s American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, any show involving the word “Housewives”, or any of the dozen detective shows involving an acronym, the entertainment value is totally lost on me. I’m a Law and Order guy from way back, but in those days they kept the soap opera plots confined to afternoons. Now everything is “long-lost daughter” this and “running an online escort service out of a dorm room” that. How lowbrow, Lenny Briscoe is rolling over in his grave.
Also, I’m probably about a decade late to the party on this one, but I just can't get past Ice-T, the guy who performed the song “Cop Killer”, making his living playing a cop on TV? Excuse me, but the irony police would like some answers here. Life is too bizarre to count anything out these days, five years from now we’re headed for The Rock and P!nk teaming up as former X-Games competitors turned cops in Law & Order: EXTREME!
And when one of them slaps the hancuffs on a bad guy after while hurtling towards Earth after skidiving out of a plane, people will love it, just watch it happen.
(Incidentally, the only network television show that I watch regularly these days is "How I Met Your Mother", and frankly I'm not sure that's going to continue when it cranks up again next fall. At this point, I'm watching more out of obligation than anything, having invested too many years following it to turn back now. But with each passing week, it feels more like throwing good money after bad. The brilliant writing witnessed in running gags like Slap Bet has been increasingly replaced by the kind of mundane season-fillers that marred "Friends" after they neutered the only funny character on the show (Chandler) and turned it into something only women would watch.
I'm also getting sick and tired of the never ending run of false starts surrounding things that may or may not happen in the future. Seriously, this damn show has more parallel threads than "Inception", and even less motivation to move any of them toward resolution. At this point I'm trying to back into how old Future Ted's kids are, so I can add 9 months and arrive at a minimum timeframe for him to finally meet their damn mother. One of the episodes showed him holding a baby in what was supposed to be 2015, but that certainly won't stop them from twisting that into some kind of "baby left on the doorstep" plotline if the checks are still cashing.
Yet I can't turn it off, we've come too far. The whole thing has an ugly Soprano-esque feel to it, where the ultimate ending will be crushed under the weight of the buildup and leave people walking away feeling bitter about something that they once loved.
End rant, needed to get that off my chest, I feel like a prisoner on my own couch.)
And yes, I’m painfully aware that no one else cares about the things I enjoy either (NOBODY!), as this article makes abundantly clear. If you’re a hockey fan still holding out hope of the game gaining popularity in America, you probably don’t want to click that link.
Follow the news/politics
Not a typical thought of as a “leisure” activity, I know, but kicking back with a bit of serious reading material for some news and opinion is still a staple of many an evening. Attempting to stay informed is sort of our duty as Americans, but lately it’s been difficult. Most days a kick in the nuts is preferable to a dose of economic news, the pain passes more quickly.
Not to mention, the term "informed" has become kind of meaningless, because anyone can find some outlet that will support whatever harebrained position they've come up with. While it's nice to not have to concern yourself with facts (which as Homer Simpson reminds us are meaningless), the downside is that it makes it damned hard to reach agreement on anything, and the incessant arguing gets tiresome.
The current political climate in America as like two people looking at a picture of a duckbill platypus:
A: “This is clearly a picture of a rabbit”
B: “I can see how someone with your lack of perspective might assume that, but obviously it’s a duck”
A: “Your problem is that everything looks like a duck to you, every situation it’s ‘duck this’ and ‘duck that’; perceiving a rabbit as a duck is exactly why your policies don’t work”
B: “Oh really? Well your problem is that you feel so threatened by the very existence of ducks, so much so that you need to delude yourself into thinking the world contains only rabbits”
A: “And all you care about is forcing your duck-based agenda on everyone, regardless of the consequences”
B: “What can I say, learned from the best, that’s the one and only play in your book”
A: “YOUR INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THAT THIS IS A RABBIT IS WHAT’S RUINING AMERICA!”
B: “WHO’S AMERICA? YOURS? THE AMERICA THAT I GREW UP LEARNING ABOUT IN SCHOOL WOULD ACCORD DUCKS THE PROPER RESPECT!”
Meanwhile, the sane among us stand off to the side and think “For f*cks sake, it’s a platypus.”
The only amusing moments come from laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Case in point, what happened last week in Wisconsin.
I get that their governor broke Jesse Ventura’s record for most people pissed off during the first few months of an administration, but requiring the guy to get re-elected to the job he’d just won? Well that just seems like being a sore loser. But he did, which is great. Notbecause of his policies, or character, or any of that nonsense, just because it lessense the chances of more elections. When a guy gets elected, nothing short of felony charges should be cause for putting us all through another election before his term has run it's course.
Otherwise, the whole thing was a superb idea, when you can get the exact same result out of a second divisive political election for the bargain price of $60 million and a ton of wasted time…well you’ve gotta do it!
The good people of Wisconsin saw where all this was going an made a preemptive strike against the horror of more elections. The last thing we need is political battles adopting a UFC-type schedule here. Imagine never having a week pass without being asked to sign some ouster petition in the entry way of the supermarket. You're just minding your own business, making a quick stop for some chocolate milk and a box of Steak-Ums, and a representative government debate breaks out in the frozen foods section. The commercials, the rallies, debates preempting stuff you wanted to watch, the horror of it all is unfathomable.
So that’s why I say thank you Wisconsin, even if you didn’t agree with what was going on, you did the right thing. Elections are like the Summer Olympics, barely tolerable every 4 years, likely to incite homicidal violence if held more often. Way to make the next batch of busybodies think twice before they start flitting about with their clipboards.
Woodworking/Gardening/Cooking
Much like how certain things can’t be sports, these can’t be hobbies. Woodworking is a way to make places to sit and places to put stuff. Gardening and cooking are methods of feeding yourself, and I’ve already mastered that art, as anyone who’s seen me eat can attest. Plus this all sounds too much like work, woodworking even has work in the name. Not to mention that it’s a good way to lose part of your anatomy, people who don’t handle sharp objects on a regular basis are rarely lacking any of their digits.
Catch up on summer reading
This one actually has some potential, because I legitimately enjoy reading. Not only are the narratives far superior to anything in film or television, it allows me to use to utilize the sneakily condescending “No, I didn’t see that, but I read the book”, in response to many questions. The subtle air of intellectual superiority, framed in a passive-aggressive enough context to avoid being taken as an overt putdown, it's wonderful. Because they know, and you know that they know, but what can they do? After all you’re a reader, protest too much and you might melt them with your mind ray.
The problem I have is the guilt of not reading weighty enough subjects. Not talking about textbooks, because I’ve had enough of those for a lifetime. I’d rather string barbed wire from said scholarly tome to my genitals and throw it off the roof of a building than read another word of it. But there are all those other books out there, they populate the non-fiction section under an “entertaining, yet thought-provoking” guise. Unfortunately, they’re about as interesting and easy to follow as Facebook posts written in Farsi. Usually the trap is laid by someone above you on the reading continuum, who happens to drop a recommendation in passing about the “fascinating” book they just read on Eurasian hegemony in the Bronze Age.
Normally, my bullsh*t detector picks up on this stuff pretty quick, and you dismiss that person as a self-aggrandizing a-hole. I mean who really cares about Eurasia, hegemony or the Bronze Age? Never mind all three at once. But every so often, the insecurity kicks in, and my brain suddenly screams “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE NOT WORLDLY ENOUGH! QUICK, READ SOMETHING SMART-SOUNDING!” So I do, and occasionally it’s very good, and not a slog to get through. But most times it ends up making me wonder why I feel into the trap again. While gamely plowing through the remainder, of course, just to prove I can, but resenting the experience.
There’s potential here, but it need to be handled with great care, if only I had the money to screen and hire a personal reader with identical tastes to weed out the stuff I won’t like. Perhaps next quarter.
Anyway, the search for an acceptable time killer continues, at least I will have more time available for blogging.
(I know,
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Finally, our long statewide nightmare is over
I didn’t want to post anything further about the Vikings stadium proposal until it was either signed/sealed/delivered or legislative roadkill, but it looks like we’re finally on the cusp of that happening. Once the governor finally puts pen to paper, there will be some relief that the Minnesota Vikings will remain in existence as an NFL team, but there will be a lot more that the great football stadium debate is finally over.
Never has that end been more welcome than this week; the topic has been beaten into the ground so thoroughly, they could’ve moved the debate to the proposed site and saved $20 million on excavation costs. Much like the Summer Olympics, the ubiquitous coverage has given something that once carried a passing interest all the appeal of a dentist drill. But to be fair, it’s not like we’ve got much else going on. Discussing the playoffs inevitably leads to depressing thoughts about why we’re not in them, and the current Twins club should be regarded the way China thinks of Taiwan, refusal to recognize their existence.
So we’ll take wins where we can get them, and although some may disagree, this deal looks like a win from where I’m sitting. They say a fair deal is one where both sides feel a bit cheated, and that’s the vibe coming out of this things at the moment. Yes, I’m a football fan. Yes, I realize the team is getting a good deal that will make them a lot of money. No, I don’t think this it’s the end of the world, or care what it says about “our priorities”.
A funny phrase, “our priorities”, since it always seems to really mean “my priorities, which you should also adopt as your own”. The comments of politicians, pundits and nameless online trolls have provided great fodder as this whole saga has unfolded. Particularly during the past week as the most vocal stadium haters have gone positively apoplectic over the bill’s progression through the legislature. As a matter of fact, the doomsayers predicting the eminent demise of our state, country and world as a whole due to these events has been the one truly enjoyable thing about the process.
This isn’t a Vikings stadium justification, in fact I’m not sure that’s possible. If it could be shown to have true value from a return-on-investment perspective, it would’ve been built years ago. It’s my personal belief that stadiums have great value in keeping people connected to downtown areas, promoting tourism, and giving short-term employment a shot in the arm, but also realize that they don’t fully pay their cost back. Enough studies have been done demonstrating that entertainment spending simply migrates from other sources, rather than increasing in the aggregate. Whether or not it’s more desirable to have that spending occurring in downtown Minneapolis, instead of an Applebees in Rogers, is another question (I’d say yes, but I’ll let you make your own judgments there).
Point is, no government outlay can be shown to have benefit outweighing it’s cost with 100% certainty. Not a bike path, not a museum, not a state park, and definitely not any off the hundred less-tangible black holes we pour money down with no visible signs of improvement. We do a lot of things simply because they make scores of people happy, at minimal cost to any particular individual. Sure, we could spend this money on more noble causes; problem is, would it make any difference at all? Morally bankrupt as you may find this project, at least we know the price and will have definite results by which to judge its success. Knowing what you got for what you paid, I’m big on that.
I appreciate you anti-stadium folks, truly; you’re the canary in the mineshaft that keeps us from getting railroaded into giving up the farm. I know you’re angry about things today, but you probably succeeded in lopping $100 million or so off the public share, so kudos on that. But you had to make everything so personal.
With a few exceptions, the lives of football fans don’t revolve completely around watching grown men play a game. We don’t lack meaning in our lives, have pathetic existences, or any of the other lovely bouquets I’ve seen thrown by anonymous commenters in the past few days. If the team packed up and left, or even if football ceased to exist, we’d keep on living our lives, a bit less entertained perhaps, but otherwise not much worse for the wear. The only thing that would likely change is you bitching about us cluttering up your bike paths on Sunday afternoons.
Instead, you get to keep doing what you’re doing unencumbered, and we get to keep watching the team we grew up with, right here in the state of Minnesota. I still get to engage in the Sunday ritual of watching the game with my father and calling my brother to dissect it afterwards, the way we’ve been doing for years. My friends get to look forward to bringing their kids to their first game, and with the next 30 years secured, maybe even their grandkids too. Family gatherings will continue to be able to rely on the crutch of Vikings talk to pave over awkward conversations, connections will continue to be forged between strangers over that same common ground, and heck, maybe even a few kids will get inspired to opt for playing sports over melting into a chair with their video games.
After all, there’s an obesity epidemic in this country, and you’re not against children, are you? (See how ridiculous that sounds?)
Besides, did you ever think this deal wasn’t going to get done? You railed against Target Field, but it happened, albeit greatly delayed (and as a far better venue than if you’d stayed silent, ironically). A few of you even brought the same outrage to the approval of TCF Bank Stadium, although there was far less venom being spewed on that one. A monolithic university is not nearly as fun a villain as a billionaire real estate developer. In the end, both worked out the same way, and if you thought that the Vikings, the state’s most beloved team in the country’s most beloved sports, weren’t getting similar treatment…grow up.
They’re going to build it, it’s going to be great, and in a few months time, you’ll forget all about it, having moved on to your next bout of moralistic finger-waving at those of us not living up to the high standard you’ve set. Frankly, you’re all a bunch of mean-spirited bores, and I don’t care what you think about anything. You probably don’t care, but you are all officially off the guest list for my Super Bowl party next year. No queso, no chicken wings, and certainly not a single piece of the gigantic sandwich.
To tell the truth, I was ready to deal with no stadium and no NFL in this town at one point. I never believed it would get there, but was at peace with the fact that if it did happen, I’d shrug and move on. So thank you, nameless angry masses, for being the kind of lame stick-in-the-mud types that are delightful to infuriate. You’re hyperbole, bile and general unpleasantness have pushed what was a great triumph even higher still. On opening day, I will salute you from my overpriced seat, while eating my bland hotdog and drinking my watered-down beer…and then I will flip you off.
Screw you guys…I’m going to the stadium! SKOL!
Never has that end been more welcome than this week; the topic has been beaten into the ground so thoroughly, they could’ve moved the debate to the proposed site and saved $20 million on excavation costs. Much like the Summer Olympics, the ubiquitous coverage has given something that once carried a passing interest all the appeal of a dentist drill. But to be fair, it’s not like we’ve got much else going on. Discussing the playoffs inevitably leads to depressing thoughts about why we’re not in them, and the current Twins club should be regarded the way China thinks of Taiwan, refusal to recognize their existence.
So we’ll take wins where we can get them, and although some may disagree, this deal looks like a win from where I’m sitting. They say a fair deal is one where both sides feel a bit cheated, and that’s the vibe coming out of this things at the moment. Yes, I’m a football fan. Yes, I realize the team is getting a good deal that will make them a lot of money. No, I don’t think this it’s the end of the world, or care what it says about “our priorities”.
A funny phrase, “our priorities”, since it always seems to really mean “my priorities, which you should also adopt as your own”. The comments of politicians, pundits and nameless online trolls have provided great fodder as this whole saga has unfolded. Particularly during the past week as the most vocal stadium haters have gone positively apoplectic over the bill’s progression through the legislature. As a matter of fact, the doomsayers predicting the eminent demise of our state, country and world as a whole due to these events has been the one truly enjoyable thing about the process.
This isn’t a Vikings stadium justification, in fact I’m not sure that’s possible. If it could be shown to have true value from a return-on-investment perspective, it would’ve been built years ago. It’s my personal belief that stadiums have great value in keeping people connected to downtown areas, promoting tourism, and giving short-term employment a shot in the arm, but also realize that they don’t fully pay their cost back. Enough studies have been done demonstrating that entertainment spending simply migrates from other sources, rather than increasing in the aggregate. Whether or not it’s more desirable to have that spending occurring in downtown Minneapolis, instead of an Applebees in Rogers, is another question (I’d say yes, but I’ll let you make your own judgments there).
Point is, no government outlay can be shown to have benefit outweighing it’s cost with 100% certainty. Not a bike path, not a museum, not a state park, and definitely not any off the hundred less-tangible black holes we pour money down with no visible signs of improvement. We do a lot of things simply because they make scores of people happy, at minimal cost to any particular individual. Sure, we could spend this money on more noble causes; problem is, would it make any difference at all? Morally bankrupt as you may find this project, at least we know the price and will have definite results by which to judge its success. Knowing what you got for what you paid, I’m big on that.
I appreciate you anti-stadium folks, truly; you’re the canary in the mineshaft that keeps us from getting railroaded into giving up the farm. I know you’re angry about things today, but you probably succeeded in lopping $100 million or so off the public share, so kudos on that. But you had to make everything so personal.
With a few exceptions, the lives of football fans don’t revolve completely around watching grown men play a game. We don’t lack meaning in our lives, have pathetic existences, or any of the other lovely bouquets I’ve seen thrown by anonymous commenters in the past few days. If the team packed up and left, or even if football ceased to exist, we’d keep on living our lives, a bit less entertained perhaps, but otherwise not much worse for the wear. The only thing that would likely change is you bitching about us cluttering up your bike paths on Sunday afternoons.
Instead, you get to keep doing what you’re doing unencumbered, and we get to keep watching the team we grew up with, right here in the state of Minnesota. I still get to engage in the Sunday ritual of watching the game with my father and calling my brother to dissect it afterwards, the way we’ve been doing for years. My friends get to look forward to bringing their kids to their first game, and with the next 30 years secured, maybe even their grandkids too. Family gatherings will continue to be able to rely on the crutch of Vikings talk to pave over awkward conversations, connections will continue to be forged between strangers over that same common ground, and heck, maybe even a few kids will get inspired to opt for playing sports over melting into a chair with their video games.
After all, there’s an obesity epidemic in this country, and you’re not against children, are you? (See how ridiculous that sounds?)
Besides, did you ever think this deal wasn’t going to get done? You railed against Target Field, but it happened, albeit greatly delayed (and as a far better venue than if you’d stayed silent, ironically). A few of you even brought the same outrage to the approval of TCF Bank Stadium, although there was far less venom being spewed on that one. A monolithic university is not nearly as fun a villain as a billionaire real estate developer. In the end, both worked out the same way, and if you thought that the Vikings, the state’s most beloved team in the country’s most beloved sports, weren’t getting similar treatment…grow up.
They’re going to build it, it’s going to be great, and in a few months time, you’ll forget all about it, having moved on to your next bout of moralistic finger-waving at those of us not living up to the high standard you’ve set. Frankly, you’re all a bunch of mean-spirited bores, and I don’t care what you think about anything. You probably don’t care, but you are all officially off the guest list for my Super Bowl party next year. No queso, no chicken wings, and certainly not a single piece of the gigantic sandwich.
To tell the truth, I was ready to deal with no stadium and no NFL in this town at one point. I never believed it would get there, but was at peace with the fact that if it did happen, I’d shrug and move on. So thank you, nameless angry masses, for being the kind of lame stick-in-the-mud types that are delightful to infuriate. You’re hyperbole, bile and general unpleasantness have pushed what was a great triumph even higher still. On opening day, I will salute you from my overpriced seat, while eating my bland hotdog and drinking my watered-down beer…and then I will flip you off.
Screw you guys…I’m going to the stadium! SKOL!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Cheat to win
Suspended Saints, Harbaugh harassment, even a few blips of Clemens conspiracy still popping up, it seems like you can’t make it through a week lately without some kind of sports scandal. Commentators love the fodder provided, haters love the public embarrassment of a foe, and fans…well fans just love it because they won stuff.
Despite all of the fallout that follows these episodes, why would teams stop? Steroids, Spygate, Bountygate, or the recruiting scandal du jour all have a common thread: Winning. Whether it’s Ortiz and Manny breaking the Sox drought, the Patriots and Saints winning Super Bowls, or just any college that’s employed John Calipari, the up-front payoff is always been worth the punishment on the back end.
Opinions among fans vary about how bad this stuff really is, you can make the argument that taping practices or paying bounties does little to enhance a team’s chances of winning. The problem with that is, we’ll never truly know, and in sports where the tiniest advantage can make all the difference, they very well could’ve been the tipping point in any close game. Level of outrage typically breaks down along the lines of team support. Fans of teams on the wrong side of it bemoan missed opportunities and demonize their cheating rivals. The rivals? Well, they just shrug, rationalize it away with phrases like “the media is blowing this way out of proportion” and polish they’re championship trophies.
Not that I can blame them, winning is fun, and I think most of us are willing to employ a certain moral flexibility when it comes to what the guys wearing the home jerseys do to win games. The only up-close-and-personal experience I’ve had with cheating to a successful end was the 1996-97 Gopher basketball team, and it was awesome! Knowing what I know now, after dealing with the stripped banners and program sanctions, would I sign up for doing that all over again? In a Dinkytown minute, my friend.
So if the crime is worth the punishment, it can’t be disputed that cheating is good for the cheater. The rest of the world may get upset, but they’re likely just hypocrites, and could easily overlook a few ill-gotten victories if the shoe was on the other foot. Any fan answering honestly would have to admit as much, our concern is that the sausage is tasty, not how it was made. Perhaps this speaks to some sort of greater character flaw, but I don’t think so. As much as we like to treat sports like life and death, it isn’t, and I’ll still give mankind the benefit of the doubt on making the correct moral choices in the truly important spots. Even after seeing how easily so many of them can rationalize away one of their own getting caught red-handed.
This isn’t intended as a sanction of the activities, more an admission that ignorance is bliss when it comes to what’s happening behind the scenes with a sports team. If David Ortiz was still a Twin in 2004, and went crazy nuts in the postseason to help them win a World Series, would finding out he was juicing 5 years later wreck that memory? Is winning a Super Bowl worth some fines and a first-round pick? A few scholarships an acceptable price for a Final Four? Maybe it’s just all the losing talking, but at this point I could overlook quite a bit.
In fact I look forward to the day when John Calipari is standing behind a podium, being introduced as the new head coach of the University of Minnesota basketball team. Of course that would have to be several years from now, after he leaves Kentucky in disgrace, does a few year of basketball purgatory in the mid-majors, then leaps at the first desperate AD who comes sniffing around from a lousy major conference school (looking at you, Norwood). He’ll win us a title, it’ll get vacated, and afterward everyone will look around at each other and agree that the ride was worth the fall. (Yes, that was an oblique Whitney Houston reference, damn I’m versatile)
People keep saying things like “You can’t punish the fans for decisions that they had no say in”, but why not? The fans might not have been in the locker room while the plots were being hatched, but they certainly reaped the benefits of enjoying a winning team. Fines and suspensions initially seemed like enough of a deterrent, but after some reflection, one throwaway year is a token price to pay for a title. Perhaps I’m just a bitter fan of loser teams (who happen to be terrible at cheating) lashing out here, but until the fans themselves pay, through harsher franchise penalties, or even monetary sums, nothing is going to change.
Who cares about losing a linebacker for a year? Take away 3 first-round picks! Add a $10 surcharge to every ticket sold, with the proceeds to benefit player pensions or college scholarship funds! You can say John Q. Fan is not responsible, but I think he deserves to shoulder some of the cost, and pay in something to offset his own ill-gotten gains. Not to mention that it would be an equitable system, the diehard fan who enjoyed winning the most stands to lose the most when his team becomes a doormat. Meanwhile, bandwagon fan who just watched the playoffs can walk away and move on with his life.
Dan Cole on KFAN mentioned not allowing the Saints to use the franchise player tag for 5 years, since it’s obvious the idea of “protecting players” was not something they were at all concerned with. Much like a large loss of scholarships in college, that’s the sort of thing that would make a material difference, and affect the long-term fortunes of a team. Which is exactly what needs to happen if this stuff is ever going to stop.
There may be punishments, and barbs from rivals to be endured, but in reality, what harm are fans dealt? Other than a few notable instances, such as the SMU Death Penalty, any sanctions hurt for a year or two, and then it’s back to business as usual. Saints fans may be facing a lost season without the coaches and players they’ve lost, but would they trade the chance at a title in 2012 for the one they already own? Not a chance.
Cheating may not be okay, but it’s effective, which is why it’s not going anywhere. The only people who will end up hating you are opposing fans, and they already hated you in the first place. Something needs to change.
Well, you know, unless one of my teams finds a way to cheat their way to a title, then forget we had this conversation.
Despite all of the fallout that follows these episodes, why would teams stop? Steroids, Spygate, Bountygate, or the recruiting scandal du jour all have a common thread: Winning. Whether it’s Ortiz and Manny breaking the Sox drought, the Patriots and Saints winning Super Bowls, or just any college that’s employed John Calipari, the up-front payoff is always been worth the punishment on the back end.
Opinions among fans vary about how bad this stuff really is, you can make the argument that taping practices or paying bounties does little to enhance a team’s chances of winning. The problem with that is, we’ll never truly know, and in sports where the tiniest advantage can make all the difference, they very well could’ve been the tipping point in any close game. Level of outrage typically breaks down along the lines of team support. Fans of teams on the wrong side of it bemoan missed opportunities and demonize their cheating rivals. The rivals? Well, they just shrug, rationalize it away with phrases like “the media is blowing this way out of proportion” and polish they’re championship trophies.
Not that I can blame them, winning is fun, and I think most of us are willing to employ a certain moral flexibility when it comes to what the guys wearing the home jerseys do to win games. The only up-close-and-personal experience I’ve had with cheating to a successful end was the 1996-97 Gopher basketball team, and it was awesome! Knowing what I know now, after dealing with the stripped banners and program sanctions, would I sign up for doing that all over again? In a Dinkytown minute, my friend.
So if the crime is worth the punishment, it can’t be disputed that cheating is good for the cheater. The rest of the world may get upset, but they’re likely just hypocrites, and could easily overlook a few ill-gotten victories if the shoe was on the other foot. Any fan answering honestly would have to admit as much, our concern is that the sausage is tasty, not how it was made. Perhaps this speaks to some sort of greater character flaw, but I don’t think so. As much as we like to treat sports like life and death, it isn’t, and I’ll still give mankind the benefit of the doubt on making the correct moral choices in the truly important spots. Even after seeing how easily so many of them can rationalize away one of their own getting caught red-handed.
This isn’t intended as a sanction of the activities, more an admission that ignorance is bliss when it comes to what’s happening behind the scenes with a sports team. If David Ortiz was still a Twin in 2004, and went crazy nuts in the postseason to help them win a World Series, would finding out he was juicing 5 years later wreck that memory? Is winning a Super Bowl worth some fines and a first-round pick? A few scholarships an acceptable price for a Final Four? Maybe it’s just all the losing talking, but at this point I could overlook quite a bit.
In fact I look forward to the day when John Calipari is standing behind a podium, being introduced as the new head coach of the University of Minnesota basketball team. Of course that would have to be several years from now, after he leaves Kentucky in disgrace, does a few year of basketball purgatory in the mid-majors, then leaps at the first desperate AD who comes sniffing around from a lousy major conference school (looking at you, Norwood). He’ll win us a title, it’ll get vacated, and afterward everyone will look around at each other and agree that the ride was worth the fall. (Yes, that was an oblique Whitney Houston reference, damn I’m versatile)
People keep saying things like “You can’t punish the fans for decisions that they had no say in”, but why not? The fans might not have been in the locker room while the plots were being hatched, but they certainly reaped the benefits of enjoying a winning team. Fines and suspensions initially seemed like enough of a deterrent, but after some reflection, one throwaway year is a token price to pay for a title. Perhaps I’m just a bitter fan of loser teams (who happen to be terrible at cheating) lashing out here, but until the fans themselves pay, through harsher franchise penalties, or even monetary sums, nothing is going to change.
Who cares about losing a linebacker for a year? Take away 3 first-round picks! Add a $10 surcharge to every ticket sold, with the proceeds to benefit player pensions or college scholarship funds! You can say John Q. Fan is not responsible, but I think he deserves to shoulder some of the cost, and pay in something to offset his own ill-gotten gains. Not to mention that it would be an equitable system, the diehard fan who enjoyed winning the most stands to lose the most when his team becomes a doormat. Meanwhile, bandwagon fan who just watched the playoffs can walk away and move on with his life.
Dan Cole on KFAN mentioned not allowing the Saints to use the franchise player tag for 5 years, since it’s obvious the idea of “protecting players” was not something they were at all concerned with. Much like a large loss of scholarships in college, that’s the sort of thing that would make a material difference, and affect the long-term fortunes of a team. Which is exactly what needs to happen if this stuff is ever going to stop.
There may be punishments, and barbs from rivals to be endured, but in reality, what harm are fans dealt? Other than a few notable instances, such as the SMU Death Penalty, any sanctions hurt for a year or two, and then it’s back to business as usual. Saints fans may be facing a lost season without the coaches and players they’ve lost, but would they trade the chance at a title in 2012 for the one they already own? Not a chance.
Cheating may not be okay, but it’s effective, which is why it’s not going anywhere. The only people who will end up hating you are opposing fans, and they already hated you in the first place. Something needs to change.
Well, you know, unless one of my teams finds a way to cheat their way to a title, then forget we had this conversation.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
A line in the sand
No, the reason for the slow pace of the posts around here isn't due to depression about the state of things on the local sports scene, but rather the all-consuming nature of the NHL playoffs. With three, and sometimes four, games happening every evening, it's been hard to find time for anything else. Now that the schedule has lightened up a bit, and we only have a single game or two each night before the first round is over, it's time to get back in the swing of things.
Not to say that things haven't gotten pretty heavy around here lately, because they have. Winter sports teams can't make the playoffs, baseball team is a mess, football team might be leaving town, it's borderline nightmarish.
So, seems like the perfect time to lighten it up with some fake lines I thought of:
Favorite............................................................Line.......................................Underdog
Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo..................................13 1/2.........................Pascal "Jermaine" Dupuis
David "Foghorn" Legwand..............................6 1/2..........................Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo
Norwood "Young America" Teague................4 1/2.........................David "Foghorn" Legwand
Ryan "Temple Of" Doumit..............................1/2............................Norwood "Young America" Teague
(One of the things I like to do in my spare time is create my own Bermanisms, these are my favorites from the NHL playoffs and local sports scene during the last week. Which reminds me, people really need to stop pronouncing it as Dome-it, rather than Doom-it. For one thing, the word Dome carries a terrible connotation around here, and for another, Doom-it sounds far more badass. Not to mention works better with my Bermanism.)
Merriment.........................................................9 1/2................................................Levity
Mirth.................................................................6 1/2................................................Merriment
Revelry..............................................................3 1/2................................................Mirth
(Because saying you had a "good time" is just so pedestrian. It's worth noting that many people don't think Mirth should be more than a 3-point underdog to anyone, this line could move a fair amount as we approach gameday.)
March weather in Minneapolis.......................20 degrees.........................April weather in Minneapolis
(Perhaps the first time in hostory that anyone missed the weather in February.)
"Kyrie" by Mr. Mister....................................Pick.................................."Your Love" by The Outfield
(Having an extremely difficult time determining my favorite corny 80s tune.)
Christian Ponder's career w/Matt Kalil.........5 years................Christian Ponder's career w/o Matt Kalil
(I'm not saying it would kill me to see the Vikings take Morris Claiborne...but it might kill Christian.)
Idiotic pick that makes no sense at all..............14 1/2.........................Kalil or Claiborne
(And now we get to the elephant in the room.)
"Pack the moving vans"..............................One week........"Just fill in the amount on this blank check"
(Posturing would be funnier if it wasn't such an annoying waste of time.)
Football stadium cost - 2007...........................$300 million.......................Football stadium cost - 2012
(And here's where the annoying part comes in.)
Francisco Liriano's ERA......................................887...............................Francisco Liriano's weight
(I know the expression is "Can't hit his weight", but perhaps we could come up with some variation like "Can't pitch five times his weight" for Frankie.)
Actually being there before.............................10 1/2........................Acting like you've been there before
(Which is why I like Boston over Washington tonight and Ottawa over the Rangers tomorrow night.)
Vikings playoff chances.....................................2 1/2.................................Twins playoff chances
Wild playoff chances..........................................6 1/2.................................Vikings playoff chances
Hell freezing over..............................................3 1/2.................................Wild playoff chances
Wolves playoff chances.....................................1 1/2.................................Hell freezing over
(Your move Mayans.)
Seabreeze............................................................4 1/2...............................................Mojito
(Both are refreshing on a hot day, and the Seabreeze perhaps a tad swishy, but if you have the kind of friends who think it's hilarious not to tell somone they have a mint leaf stuck in their teeth, there's only one choice.)
Rockin steady....................................................6 1/2.............................................Rockin hard
(Anyone can have one big moment, consistency is the hallmark of a champion.)
"Man it's tough to find Twins tickets!".........12 months........"Anybody want these free Twins tickets?"
(Won't be long until Dollar Dog night and bobbleheads are back.)
"Enough with the NFL draft coverage"............Everybody..........."We need more NFL draft coverage"
(I could also do without that clock that counts down the seconds to the Olympics popping up during any more sporting events, but that's a rant for another day.)
Rock...................................................................9 1/2..................................................Scissors
Scissors..............................................................9 1/2...................................................Paper
Paper.................................................................No line................................................Rock
(I tend to follow Mickey from "Seinfeld"'s logic on this one. If you want to disagree, I'd like to challege you to a duel, arm yourself with a piece of paper, while I wield this rock.)
Wolves 1st round draft picks on Tuesday............1...........Wolves 1st round draft picks today
(Finally, something worthwhile from the state of Utah.)
A bird in hand......................................................Pick.............................................Two in the bush
(Particularly if there are thorns on said bush.)
Ron Artest attacking opposing fan....................23 1/2................... Ron Artest elbowing opposing player
(Can't believe they suspended him, remarkable improvement if you ask me, not nearly as fun as a spectator though.)
Norwood Teague, Attorney-at-law......................3 1/2.......................Norwood Teague, athletic director
(But I suppose if Grant Balfour can be a pitcher and Jason Dufner a pro golfer, you can't read too much into it. Good thing we have a guy named Kill coaching the football team to balance this out.)
Rick Spielman, Assistant GM - Cleveland..........2 1/2...........Rick Spielman, GM - Minnesota
(Start proving me wrong, Rick.)
Not to say that things haven't gotten pretty heavy around here lately, because they have. Winter sports teams can't make the playoffs, baseball team is a mess, football team might be leaving town, it's borderline nightmarish.
So, seems like the perfect time to lighten it up with some fake lines I thought of:
Favorite............................................................Line.......................................Underdog
Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo..................................13 1/2.........................Pascal "Jermaine" Dupuis
David "Foghorn" Legwand..............................6 1/2..........................Jordin "Bishop" Tootoo
Norwood "Young America" Teague................4 1/2.........................David "Foghorn" Legwand
Ryan "Temple Of" Doumit..............................1/2............................Norwood "Young America" Teague
(One of the things I like to do in my spare time is create my own Bermanisms, these are my favorites from the NHL playoffs and local sports scene during the last week. Which reminds me, people really need to stop pronouncing it as Dome-it, rather than Doom-it. For one thing, the word Dome carries a terrible connotation around here, and for another, Doom-it sounds far more badass. Not to mention works better with my Bermanism.)
Merriment.........................................................9 1/2................................................Levity
Mirth.................................................................6 1/2................................................Merriment
Revelry..............................................................3 1/2................................................Mirth
(Because saying you had a "good time" is just so pedestrian. It's worth noting that many people don't think Mirth should be more than a 3-point underdog to anyone, this line could move a fair amount as we approach gameday.)
March weather in Minneapolis.......................20 degrees.........................April weather in Minneapolis
(Perhaps the first time in hostory that anyone missed the weather in February.)
"Kyrie" by Mr. Mister....................................Pick.................................."Your Love" by The Outfield
(Having an extremely difficult time determining my favorite corny 80s tune.)
Christian Ponder's career w/Matt Kalil.........5 years................Christian Ponder's career w/o Matt Kalil
(I'm not saying it would kill me to see the Vikings take Morris Claiborne...but it might kill Christian.)
Idiotic pick that makes no sense at all..............14 1/2.........................Kalil or Claiborne
(And now we get to the elephant in the room.)
"Pack the moving vans"..............................One week........"Just fill in the amount on this blank check"
(Posturing would be funnier if it wasn't such an annoying waste of time.)
Football stadium cost - 2007...........................$300 million.......................Football stadium cost - 2012
(And here's where the annoying part comes in.)
Francisco Liriano's ERA......................................887...............................Francisco Liriano's weight
(I know the expression is "Can't hit his weight", but perhaps we could come up with some variation like "Can't pitch five times his weight" for Frankie.)
Actually being there before.............................10 1/2........................Acting like you've been there before
(Which is why I like Boston over Washington tonight and Ottawa over the Rangers tomorrow night.)
Vikings playoff chances.....................................2 1/2.................................Twins playoff chances
Wild playoff chances..........................................6 1/2.................................Vikings playoff chances
Hell freezing over..............................................3 1/2.................................Wild playoff chances
Wolves playoff chances.....................................1 1/2.................................Hell freezing over
(Your move Mayans.)
Seabreeze............................................................4 1/2...............................................Mojito
(Both are refreshing on a hot day, and the Seabreeze perhaps a tad swishy, but if you have the kind of friends who think it's hilarious not to tell somone they have a mint leaf stuck in their teeth, there's only one choice.)
Rockin steady....................................................6 1/2.............................................Rockin hard
(Anyone can have one big moment, consistency is the hallmark of a champion.)
"Man it's tough to find Twins tickets!".........12 months........"Anybody want these free Twins tickets?"
(Won't be long until Dollar Dog night and bobbleheads are back.)
"Enough with the NFL draft coverage"............Everybody..........."We need more NFL draft coverage"
(I could also do without that clock that counts down the seconds to the Olympics popping up during any more sporting events, but that's a rant for another day.)
Rock...................................................................9 1/2..................................................Scissors
Scissors..............................................................9 1/2...................................................Paper
Paper.................................................................No line................................................Rock
(I tend to follow Mickey from "Seinfeld"'s logic on this one. If you want to disagree, I'd like to challege you to a duel, arm yourself with a piece of paper, while I wield this rock.)
Wolves 1st round draft picks on Tuesday............1...........Wolves 1st round draft picks today
(Finally, something worthwhile from the state of Utah.)
A bird in hand......................................................Pick.............................................Two in the bush
(Particularly if there are thorns on said bush.)
Ron Artest attacking opposing fan....................23 1/2................... Ron Artest elbowing opposing player
(Can't believe they suspended him, remarkable improvement if you ask me, not nearly as fun as a spectator though.)
Norwood Teague, Attorney-at-law......................3 1/2.......................Norwood Teague, athletic director
(But I suppose if Grant Balfour can be a pitcher and Jason Dufner a pro golfer, you can't read too much into it. Good thing we have a guy named Kill coaching the football team to balance this out.)
Rick Spielman, Assistant GM - Cleveland..........2 1/2...........Rick Spielman, GM - Minnesota
(Start proving me wrong, Rick.)
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