Personal opinion

People have been telling me that online personal ads are a good way to meet women, so I threw one together.

Still a work in progress, but here's what I've come up with so far...



Portly, early 30s sportsfan seeks female companion with the ability to banter well for quiet evenings at home, outings, gatherings, and general merriment.

Strong vocabulary and command of the English language a must. Appreciation for bad puns, alliteration and random movie quotes also highly prized. Preferred qualities include contributing the occasional crossword puzzle answer, enjoyment of the culinary spectrum from fine dining to greasy spoon, and the ability to keep it quiet should you witness me doing a Roxbury-style head bob to a terrible pop song in the car. It is not my fault that “Call Me Maybe” is such a catchy tune.

For my part, I will make every effort to tone it down and shut up when you tell me to. Although anyone who knows me also knows that I have difficulty staying quiet for very long. Frankly, if I was strong in that area, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t need to be writing this. It’s probably best if you’re the assertive type, in order to pierce the rich tapestry of bullshit I often weave about my person. A quick wit and ability to craft cutting verbal barbs would be of great assistance in that area.

Must enjoy attending live sporting events, and posses the ability to feign interest in televised ones. Well, perhaps “feign interest” is too strong a term, just steering clear of heavy sighs and eye rolls, followed by condescending statements along the lines of “sports are so stupid” would be fine. Actually watching or pretending to watch is a plus, but ultimately not a difference-maker. At least as long as I can avoid reprimand for reading a book during any American Idol/Real Housewives-style viewing.

Green Bay Packer fans or cat people need not apply, and if you’re unable to filter your thoughts on the stupidity of fantasy sports, that’s likely going to be a problem as well. I already know most of my hobbies are dumb, telling me about it helps no one.