One of my favorite websites, Grantland, is having an essay contest to select their fantasy football writer, and I decided to take a crack at it. Staying within the 750-word limit was the hardest part, as a friend of mine told me, "you take 750 words to clear your throat".
Here's my submission, wish me luck:
Like most people, I initially got into fantasy sports to meet chicks. Results on that front have been mixed so far.
If I play in your fantasy league, I will not win. I will craft a juggernaut that storms its way through the regular season, only to see my hopes dashed when some glorified practice squadder channels Barry Sanders in Week 16. You probably don’t want to hear about my bad fantasy beats. I’m not interested in hearing about your kids either. Yet I feign interest, because I’m polite.
Fortunately, I’m well versed in coming up short, due to both my history as a Vikings fan and my belief that one should always strive to finish in the bottom-third of the upper-third of any endeavor. You can’t appear dispensable when it’s time to trim the fat, but also need to avoid being considered overly dependable. That will only get you extra work with no incremental payoff.
Since the edict was to make this interesting, I’m going with value picks that you might be able to actually get on the same team. Slap me, stab me, shoot me, just don’t bore me by offering up some variation of Foster, Rice, McCoy, Rodgers and Megatron at your top five. If you want that kind of cutting insight, locate a gas station and buy a magazine.
1. Chris Johnson – Tennessee
Foster, Rice, McCoy.
Young, productive, no holdout or injury concerns, just what you look for with a top pick. But given the higher cost to get one of them, and a gut feeling that we’re overdue for an off year or two, there’s a lot to love about a Chris Johnson resurgence. The fact he appears to be trying again is a nice place to start.
With an inexperienced QB, and the inevitable Week 2 injury to Kenny Britt, the Titans should lean on a solid defense and running game to carry them. There’s nothing about this team that looks glaringly worse than the 2009 version, and all Johnson did that year was finish with the highest running back point total since LaDanian Tomlinson went Tecmo Bowl on things in 2006. I’ll roll the dice on history repeating.
2. Steven Jackson – St. Louis
If he could just get in the end zone, he’d be Top 5 every year.
When that’s your main argument for a guy who plays for the league’s worst-scoring team, it’s dicey. Fortunately, there’s literally nowhere for the Rams to go but up. Jeff Fisher’s mustache alone should add at least 9-10 touchdowns, similar to what Mike Holmgren’s mustache did in Seattle. If Jackson can snag 5 of those, he’ll not only be a good value, but paired with Johnson would give a team the most impressive collection of dreadlocks this side of the 2007 Green Bay Packers secondary.
3. Matt Ryan – QB – Atlanta
Anyone else getting déjà vu from all this buzz about Matt Ryan making the leap to elite fantasy QB? The price keeps getting steeper, and we may be entering fool-me-twice-shame-on-me territory, but what is fantasy football without at least one mistake being repeated? Anyone picking Darren McFadden in the first round knows this feeling well.
4. Brandon Marshall – WR – Chicago
Crazy is as crazy does, and nobody in the NFL does crazy quite like this. Does the huge upside outweigh the total unpredictability here? If it didn’t, teams wouldn’t keep trading for him. Best case: 120 catches and 15 TDs. Worst case: A week 3 Sportscenter story opening with the words “Brandon Marshall was arrested in a Chicago nightclub early Monday morning”. Either way, it’ll be fun.
5. Brandon Lloyd – WR – New England
#1 Patriots wide receiver. Ranked as low as 15th in the league some places. Nuff said.
Sleeper – Jermaine Gresham – TE – Cincinnati
A tight end who had 600 yds and 6 TDs in his second year is only a “sleeper” if you expect a whole lot in year three. A modest increase to 800 yds and 8 TDs would put him in Top 5 range. I think there's more and he’s ranked around 12th. The QB looks legit, divisional defenses look ready to take a step back, buying low on the next breakout TE.
Should I be selected, I will come up with a creative way to get fired from my job, in order to fully devote myself to the position. Nothing illegal, or that will screw up the severance, just bizarre enough to make them ask me to stop coming here every day.
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