Happy New Year!

Fellow Midwesterners, our long regional nightmare is over, praise the Lord and pass the Pabst, because March is finally here.

It was a rough start to the week for me.  Following a riotously good time at my sister's wedding in Arizona, I was forced to depart 75 degrees and sun for 25 degrees and an impending snowstorm.  Woke up on Tuesday to deal with a 90-minute commute, courtesy of the inclement weather, which was immediately followed by my favorite high school hockey team having it's state tourney hopes extinguished on Wednesday evening.  This was February's final 'Eff you', and it was a good one.  But none of that matters now, because the new year is upon us, and the past was only prelude.
I know, you probably think January 1st the start of a new year, and most calendars would agree.  But once upon a time, when the world was centered around agrarian thinking, the 1st of March marked the beginning of a new cycle.  As discussed a few weeks ago, our current first two months were pretty much just filler, a few cycles of the moon spent waiting around, drinking and trying to keep warm, before the interesting activities started up again.  In other words, exactly the same as it is today.

Because we're all farmers in our own way, only instead of corn or soybeans, I'm harvesting fun, and every year is a bumper crop.  Forget about spring, summer, fall, etc. as well, (all arbitrary designations that convey little reliable meaning) and let's re-tool the seasons into something that actually makes sense:

Bracket Season: March 1st - April 30th 
In my estimaton, the currency of life is events, and the secret to it is trying to maximize the number of fun ones you're involved in.  This is why we all try to surround ourselves with interesting people who have stuff going on and (if you're any kind of decent human being) bring interesting things to the table ourself.  As the saying goes, "Shoot me, stab me, kill me, just don't bore me".  That's why this time of year rules, it brings events in spades.

Consulting the Offical Loserville List Of Reasons It's Acceptable To Drink Before Noon shows what I'm talking about:

1) Haven’t gone to sleep yet
2) On vacation*
3) Killing time in an airport**
4) Tailgating
5) Sunday brunch
6) Attending a sports championship game or tournament***
7) Viewing any sporting event that starts at or before 1 PM EST
8) Hunting/Fishing
9) Holidays (Thanksgiving, St Paddy’s, etc.)
10) Personal events/Celebrations (Weddings, funerals, birthdays)
11) More than 100 miles from home
12) Within the city limits of Las Vegas or any college town^
13) Participating in a leisure sports tourney (Golf, bowling, billiards, darts, etc.)
14) Killing a mean hangover^^
15) Divorce #
16) Job loss ##
17) Being diagnosed with a terminal illness
18) Armageddon (Over 6" of snow in less than 24 hours counts)
19) The Minnesota Vikings

*Must be actual traveling vacation, standard days off do not qualify.
**Void if traveling for business, drinking after noon still permissible.
***Full day qualifies, even if event starts after noon
^Applies to non-residents only, likely redundant to #11, but sometimes only one applies and you need to be covered
^^Void if required to work in fewer than 8 hours; 24 hours for airline pilots
#Valid for the longer of one week or two days for every 10% of wealth lost
##Valid for one week, then get your lazy butt up and find something new

Not only does this period feature two of the greatest sports tournaments known to man, it's also got Spring Break, St. Patrick's Day, Opening Day and myriad other events that could fall in somewhere on the list.  That's why it should be the lidlifter on any decently run calendar.

Patio Season: May 1st - June 30th
This one should be fairly self-explanatory, given that there are only 3 exceptional months (May, June, September) in this part of the country for outdoor dining and drinks.  Sure, you can do it at other times, but you run the risk of rain (April), suffocating humidity (July, August), unanticipated cold (October) and just general unpleasantness (other).  Not to mention that September is football season, and who has time for things like dining in areas without televisions during football season?  Best to maximize your patio time during this stretch.

Baseball/Cabin/Golf Season: July 1st - August 31st
It's hot, there's not much happening in sports, even the crappy network TV is on re-runs.  There are only three acceptable ways to spend a Saturday during these two months: On the course, at the ballpark or on a boat.  Frankly, given the fact that the option to travel and play golf in warmer climes exists much of the year, a trip to the lake should be everyone's first priority.  Minnesota and Wisconsin may get (deservedly) maligned for their terrible winters, but there is a little secret called lake living that, to my knowledge, can't quite be duplicated elsewhere.  As a matter of fact, I might have to amend the list to include "Trips to the lake", because it's sort of a vacation, but it's more a way of life.

Football Season: September 1st - October 31st
Nuff said.

Holiday Season: November 1st - December 31st
More football, gatherings with family and friends, eggnog, Patmas, the pre-homocidal urge part of winter, bulky clothing leaving one free to engage in gluttonous behavior, baskets of snacks showing up via UPS, neighbors dropping off trays of cookies, a bunch of days off from work, chesnuts, open fires, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, all capped off with gifts.  People who hate the holidays, just add puppies, hamburgers and breathing to your list, because it's over.  You may hate the mall, you may hate the crowds, but you may not hate the holidays.

The Rest: Do The Math
Skiing?  Snowmobiling?  Ice sculpting?  There are some ways to enjoy it, but every time it leaves, I'm glad it won't be back for another 10 months.

Now, let's get to the good stuff.