Many happy returns of the holiday season to you and yours, hope everyone had an excellent holiday and got just what they were. I myself did not find a franchise quarterback under the tree, but hopefully that's just because he was stuck in Philadelphia, guess time will have to tell on that one.
There I go again, discussing that team who is supposed to be avoided, but they just won't let me off the hook. Now there's another postponement prolonging this season of weird, making the Vikings the first team ever to play on Thursday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday in the same season. Pity they didn't have a Saturday game squeezed in there to complete this bizarre calendar sweep. So rather than falling among the din of the NFL weekend, another meaningless game lost in the shuffle, tonight's game gets the full "nothing else is going on treatment" from the local and national media.
The problem is there's a lot going on tonight, with the Gophers tipping off the Big Ten basketball season against the hated Wisconsin Badgers and Team USA facing Slovakia in the World Juniors. Now instead of being able to enjoy these two meaningful tilts in peace, I'm going to be buried in an avalanche of Viking fans, who are apparently unaware the clock on this season struck midnight some time ago. Look, I'm all for sticking with your team when you're trying to draw inspiration for next year, but half the players and the coach will likely be different when next year rolls around, if it even happens at all. Meanwhile some oblivious bartender is going to come bumbling along changing the station with the Gophers up one and five minutes left to play. And then we'll all have to let loose an irritated "WHOA!" to make her realize her mistake and rectify the situation. Point being, I love the NFL as much as (probably more than) the next guy, but get some perspective.
Of course, speaking of perspective, it's always important to remember that things could be worse. For today's example, we look no further than Loserville's favorite guest poster/Gopher football superfan, my friend Derek. Because today is the day, after fathering two great kids, that Derek will be going under the knife for the operation that makes any man wince uncomfortably. I have two vasectomy vignettes (killer alliteration there) to offer, the first in the form of one of my favorite jokes:
What's the definition of tough? Jogging home from your own vasectomy. If' you're going for the pun in this case, change "tough" to "ballsy". Seemed a little much here.
The second is the story of the time a few years back that I thought I was watching a knee surgery on some random channel. Having had a couple of knee surgeries, I found this interesting and paused to watch for a moment. It was rather perplexing that they appeared to be cutting a ligament, rather than reattaching it. As the camera panned back, I understood what I was seeing...and was not pleased.
Anyway Big D, here's hoping that the Gopher hoops team doesn't add any more pain to your day.
Thanks for the shout-out brother. Much appreciated. It is an honor as always. As is now common knowledge, the Gopher hoops team lived up to Loserville standards, adding pain to my day (down one with the ball inside a minute and losing the game by eight), and then refusing to play perimeter defense against MSU in another loss just three days later. As Pat said, feels like another fifth place finish at this point for our favorite cagers. But, at least Tubby is giving us something to root for this dismal winter in Loserville. Vikings, Wild, Wolves, Gopher football and Gopher Hockey ain't exactly doing anything to demand attention.
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Dateline - Urology clinic waiting room in a Mpls suburb that shall remain nameless. Last Tuesday morning.
The guy whose name is called before mine is greeted by a nurse who is in her late 50's, overweight, gray-haired, and completely unattractive. In other words, the PERFECT nurse for this situation. She clearly has experience in her role and will not create any, ahem, "uncomfortable" moments during surgery prep.
So, I say a little prayer that she will also come out to call my name in the not-too-distant future as I had been mildly concerned about this contingency for some time. Of course, not thirty seconds later, an extremely beautiful Eastern European woman appears and calls out my name in a seductive accent. In other words, the WORST possible nurse for this situation.
I follow her back to the room, where we sit down and she explains the procedure to me using all the proper terms. Terms that I had only heard uttered by a woman (at least one not married to me) in health class in high school 15 years ago. She asks me to disrobe and put on one of those ridiculously-revealing hospital gowns, and have a seat on the examination table while she steps out for a moment. I do as instructed, all the while thinking about Mother Theresa, baseball, and the fact that my scrotum is about to be incised (copyright Spies Like Us).
A short while later, Giselle returns, asks me to lay down, and pulls back the bottom half of that gown like it wasn't the slightest problem, and I am out there for the entire world to see. Problem is, all the world isn't there, it's just me and a hot, thin, Russian model-type in a dimly lit room with Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" playing softly in the background.
Her job is a simple one: wipe me down with a sterile cloth and spray the iodine dye all over my manhood. My job is difficult: try not to pitch a tent while this drop-dead gorgeous female touches absolutely everywhere you could possible imagine for the next sixty seconds.
I focused, maintained my poise while she moved things from side to side and top to bottom, and in the end was able to avoid activation of the launch sequence during arguably the longest minute of my life. By the time the doc walked in and started cutting, the danger had passed.
Recovery has gone well, and in 12 weeks I will return with a sample for them to test. Chances are I will have to hand it directly to my new friend and she will smile and say thank you in that intoxicating accent.
I tell this story for your enjoyment first and foremost, but for those of you that may be undergoing this procedure in the coming years, maybe give me a call before you set your appointment. It might save you some stress.
Yours,
Derek
Derek, I am in tears reading this! Hilarious. RSB
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