Election 2010: Ask not what you can do for Loserville, but what Loserville can do for you! And you know, we'll get right on that...

With all the recent Vikings-related hubub I completely forgot that we've got an election on our hands and my post as mayor of this accursed burg hangs in the balance.  Fortunately the required campaigning should be minimal, since I'm running unopposed.  Not surprisingly, this post is coveted by few.  But hey we at least have to do go through the ritual, right?  So here's the old platform for your consideration.

For those not well acquainted with my record, I've been a permanent resident of Loserville for the last decade, after spending parts of my youth abroad in Seriestown and attending college in Frozenfourburgh.  However, instead of infusing a general optimism into my sports outlook, these early successes only served to rope me in completely to the euphoria that a championship team can bring.  I bought into the sportsfan ethic hook, line and sinker, confident that more happy days were surely just around the corner.

The ensuing 10 years of brutal pummeling at every turn in my existence of a fan has left me with a smoldering crust of bitterness caked around my heart, like molten lava that has cooled from a volcano or queso left in the microwave too long.  Although I make occasional frays into the realm of positivity, typically in the early days of a fresh season or playoff "run", I'm generally incapable of expecting anything positive from the sports realm, and spend my days perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Now as we've discussed before, you may be asking, why are you still here?  Why not spare yourself (and those of us that have to be in your immediate presence) the anguish of all this?  The answer to that question is two-fold.  First, I just don't have a lot going on.  Not a big fan of movies, theater, bird watching, bug collecting, gardening beyond basic lawncare.  No interest in camping or stamping (although I think we all enjoy the occasional bit of tramping, amiright?), not a biker or hiker, rather drink a beer than shoot a deer (so fishing is a thumbs up, I suppose).  The point is this is what I do, I follow sports, and I opine on them...poorly perhaps, but you get what you pay for.

But believe me when I tell ya, you want me on that wall folks, you need me on that wall.  I'm that guy in the office with an opinion on everything (whether you want to hear it or not), that buddy who's always game to watch the game, no matter who's playing or what they're playing (within reason of course, nothing involving ladies or an excessive amount of foreigners).  Basically I'm here offering what little value I have in exchange for no value whatsoever, which is a great deal any way you slice it!  All I ask is for your vote, and the occasional acknowledgment of something you find funny, bizarre, etc. in my ramblings.  Even if that acknowledgement takes the form of a look of bewilderment, followed by the phrase "You're a weird dude".  Obviously we're all about low standards here in Loserville.

But as part of the ongoing quest for improvement in said standards, I offer you my personal pledge that the next two years will be a better two years out of this blog in terms of content.  Unfortunately I can't make that same guarantee as far as on the field performance, but until that part of the puzzle falls into place, I'll be with you every step of the way.  With more T-Jack and Scott Baker rips, more midseason pronouncements of doom, more hope to sell in the preseason and vitriol to spew in the post, that I can promise.

When Brett Favre finally retires, hopefully with the words "Hey y'all, that was my c*ck, I'm out!", I'll be there.  When Brad Childress coaches his last game for the Vikings, presumably just before being torn limb-from-limb by an angry mob, I'll be there.  When Nick Punto plays his last game in a Twins uniform, because the police finally find the small room under his house where he's been holding Gardy's wife captive, I'll be there.  When Ricky Rubio is standing next to David Stern, hoisting the NBA Championship trophy as his Knicks jersey gets doused with champagne...like I said, positivity is a work in progress.

I may not make it to the mountaintop with you, but I'm going to keep hanging in there, hoping that one of these years is truly our year...well you know, unless the cops find me dangling from the rafters in the garage, with a makeshift noose fashioned out of Homer Hankies and Howl Towels, following a Hail Mary loss in an NFC Championship game.

(Note to self: New Year's resolution #1 - Lose enough weight to ensure makeshift noose of Homer Hankies and Howl Towels holds...then again if it snaps, the Twins will actually have a playoff save to their credit.)

Anyway, Vote Voltin!  I'll buy you a beer!