How bizzare

Earlier this week, while engaging in a text message conversation, I stated that Osama bin Laden was the Bizzaro John Lennon, since both of them getting shot was huge news, but elicited polar opposite reactions.  I was in a bar when I heard Osama was dead (imagine that), and my reaction was to buy shots and toast his demise.  John Lennon was before my time, but can only assume if people ordered drinks after hearing that news, it was driven more by the desire to drown sorrows than celebrate.

My buddy took exception to my characterization however, claiming that Lennon and bin Laden should never be mentioned in the same sentence.  While I'd normally agree, I felt that my inclusion of the bizzaro tag was grounds for an exception.  After all, I was trying to make a point that the men were polar opposites who happened to suffer the same fate, not equate the two of them in any fashion.

But this whole exchange got me thinking about the nature of the bizzaro, what defines it and examples that can be plucked from life.  Sure it defines opposites, but there's more to it in my mind, a common thread of behavior and occurrences.  For instance, in the simplest terms, you could probably say that white is the bizzaro black and dark the bizzaro light.  But does this really give us much context for what white and black or dark and light are in the first place?  Where they've been, where they are, and how they got there?  Lennon/bin Laden arose because of the shooting connection, but fit because of the difference in how these men approached life.  The former was a peace-loving musician who's passing brought grief to millions, the latter a war-mongering terrorist who's death literally had thousands dancing in the streets.  The two of them fit as the yin and yang of famed shooting victims.  If bin Laden had died in a plane crash, would he be the Bizzaro Buddy Holly?  I think not.  Maybe if he'd had some of those Coke bottle glasses there'd be a shot, but otherwise no way.

Because there's more to it than simple opposites, there needs to be a story to draw from.  Case in point the Yankees and Red Sox.  The Red Sox are not the Bizzaro Yankees, that would be the Kansas City Royals.  If I had to pick a Bizzaro Red Sox, my vote would be for the Florida Marlins.  Not only did the Fish win two World Series in their first 11 years of existence, they also did it in the only two years they made the postseason and never even won a division title during those seasons.  Contrast that 1.000 postseason batting average with a Sawx team that endured countless chokes and near-misses during a 90+ year drought, and you've got the makings of a Bizzaro squad.  Sure there's been a bit of luster lost from the contrast with the two Boston titles, but in 2003 there was no better polar opposites in baseball.  In case you are wondering, the Bizarro Twins are the Chicago White Sox, one team gets to the postseason every year with a squad of feisty overachievers, the other misses with a lineup stacked with expensive home run hitters.  Of course the team that always makes it has no World Series titles in the past decade, while the one they pretty much always beat to get there has one.  Just adding to then Bizzaroishness of it all.

In football, there are also a few Bizzaro pairs to be found.  Easiet one for me is the Ravens as the Bizzaro Browns, not only did they used to be the Browns, they won the Super Bowl that's eluded Cleveland all these years about a week and a half after leaving town.  The natural inclination is to call the Vikings the Bizzaro Packers, but I'm not so sure about that one.  Sure they're historic rivals and all that, but the Vikings don't exhibit the complete and total ineptitude that would garner them that tag.  You'd think only an abject failure of a franchise could cause the levels of pain the Vikings have unleashed, but their incompetence is highly localized in the postseason.  Oddly enough, you'd be insulting both franchises here.  Instead, I'm tagging the Buffalo Bills as the Bizzaro Packers, with their Super Bowl track record, doormat status and perennial failures in the draft, they are the Lam-blow to Green Bay's Lambeau. 

The Bizzaro Vikes?  Gotta be the Steelers probably.  They play down expectations, lurk in the weeds, rarely have a high-flying offense, instead grinding opponents down with their D...then BOOM, somebody in black and gold is holding the Lombardi trophy aloft while confetti streams down.  And you never even saw it coming.  Contrast that with the all style/no substance, all bark/no bite history of the Purple Hype Machine, and that's probably you're anti-doppleganger.  I'd also accept a case being made for the San Francisco 49ers, they might not have the year-to-year regular season track record, but they do have the hardware us Viking fans would trade a whole lot of division titles (and out collective left nut) for.

The Bizzaro Wild is a supreme pizza.  It's resonably priced, leaves you feeling satisfied and has a whole which is greater than the sum of it's parts.  Even when the pizza is bad, it's still pretty good, and it usually ends up being better than you'd expect.  In other words, it is everything the Wild is not.

The Bizzaro Wolves are the San Antonio Spurs, if you don't understand why, then you will never grasp this concept.

A bizzaro cheese danish is fruit salad.  One has no place on a breakfast table, the other no business at a barbecue. 

A crepe is a bizzaro burrito.  Again, this should be self-explanatory, Happy Belated Cinco De Mayo.

Contrary to popular belief, wine is not bizzaro beer, that would be hard cider.  Whiskey is bizzaro courage and Jagermeister bizzaro intelligence.

Steve Austin is the Bizzaro Richard Simmons, Marian Gaborik the Bizzaro Gordie Howe and Idi Amin the Bizzaro Ghandi.  Good Scott Baker is the Bizzaro Evil Scott Baker.

France is the bizzaro Germany, which is why they've had so many issues with each other.  You can't expect two places on such opposite ends of the spectrum to coexist side by side.  That's why it's so fortunate the US sits between Canada and Mexico as a buffer.  There is no bizzaro United States, just too many different types of places in this country, it's often a bizzaro version of itself.  For instance, the bizzaro Las Vegas is one of those dry counties down south, or the campus of BYU, either one works.

Minnesota is the bizzaro Winnersville, wherever that may reside.

Hope that clears things up