Hello faithful reader, it's been too long.
That's my fault of course, over a month has passed since my last post. No doubt this absence has triggered a vast wave of indifference across the country, hopefully we can come together and heal the wounds. I have no illusions that this will be a swift process, only the hope that at some point, the hurt can be put aside.
So we good? Thought so.
Not that any of this was intended as an apology, I've been a busy man. There was no truth to the rumor of a moratorium on posting until the next Vikings victory. If there was, I wouldn't be writing this. There was also no hunger strike pending the end of the Green Bay's undefeated run, or North Dakota hockey's time spent under .500; although if there had been, the timing is now appropriate.
As always, no higher purpose or greater meaning in play, just a ton of holiday activities and wrapping up a pesky little thing called grad school. Good times, grad school...if you're a masochist who dislikes healthy bank accounts and free time. You give them a few thousand hours of your time and an exorbitant amount of money, they give you a piece of paper that will allegedly help with future employment endeavors. The whole thing seems like a dubious deal, sort of like buying "stock" in the Packers, obviously I'm hoping for much greater value.
At this point, it's hard to even recall what the sports landscape looked like in mid-November. What have we figured out about the world that we didn't know five weeks ago?
Well, for starters, we know the college football postseason is really dopey. That's not new info, just a major annoyance that needs to be brought up in each and every discussion. I was really hoping to get an entry in yesterday previewing the Beef O'Brady's Bowl. Guess that will have to wait until next year.
We know that Christian Ponder may or may not be a decent quarterback, but again, nothing has changed there. All ballots should be held for another half-season, or whenever we get to watch him play behind a competent offensive line. So with any luck, the Mayans will end the world before everyone has to come to grips with what some of us knew on draft night.
We know that the Wild are probably going to challenge for the playoffs. Or at least we think we know, based on the fact it would take a historic collapse to prevent it. Mired in a 5-game slump, and having seen a few historic collapses lately, it might be better to hold off on discussing this for a minute.
We know that the NBA will never make sense. First they looked like they were ready to end the season and stand on principle to fix the fundamental flaws in the game. Then they decided to say "screw it", and not bother with any real solutions. Then they block a star player's trade to Los Angeles, only to turn around and allow him to be traded to the other team in Los Angeles. Just when everyone was starting to forget about the ref that fixed games, too. You guys aren't earning any credibility points.
Finally, we know, or are at least starting to get the inkling, that something far more unpleasant than lost games or recruiting scandals might be brewing in the world of sports. Remember when the worst allegations that you had to hear revolved around some football player getting charged with sexual assault at a fraternity or stomping some guy outside a nightclub? Those were disturbing and despicable, without a doubt, but not quite coming close to the run of sports figures now being accused of molesting kids.
A couple of high-profile assistant coaches, and now a well-known sportswriter. I am very nervous about where this might be going. If stuff happened, it needs to come out, regardless of the consequences, but pardon me if I wince at the thought of big-time athletics goes the way of the Catholic church. The whole thing raises the unfortunate possibility that us fans might've been unknowingly supporting people who've done some atrocious things. Hopefully we're done here and not looking at the tip of the iceberg, but when the latest allegations came out this week, all I could picture was Bryant Gumbel wrapping up his commentary on Real Sports with something along the lines of "In retrospect, it makes season that this atmophere, placing young men under the supervision of and in close proximity to their abusers, hid so many secrets."
Tell me that doesn't make you wince.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Packing it in
These are the days when it’s good to be in it for the long haul.
The recurring thought running through my head during the second half of last night’s Vikings evisceration at the hands of the Green Bay Packers was:
Is this the worst Vikings team of my lifetime? Or just the perfect storm of a lousy team running into a historically great one?
After a fair amount of pondering that question (pun!), I’ve come to the conclusion that there have indeed been worse versions of the Purple, but few times that they’ve found themselves surrounded by so much strength.
The 2001 Vikings went 5-11, with a point differential of -100; the 2002 squad 6-10 and -52. Those teams had to deal with Favre-led Packer teams, and a Bears club that went 13-3 in 2001; but the Lions were a perennial doormat, and there’s no way you could convince me that those Bear teams, regardless of their great defenses, are better than the current version. When Jim Miller and Shane Mathews are your starting quarterbacks, you don’t get good team status (a point was borne out when Chicago slipped to 4-12 in 2002).
The current version sits at 2-7, and has been outscored by 65 points following last night’s 45-7 destruction. Although Viking fans, myself included, spent Monday trying to talk themselves into the “any given Sunday” angle, the reality was that they were completely outclassed from the word go. Any given Sunday, odd things can happen. But unfortunately this was Monday, it was Lambeau, and the opponent was a Packer team that, at least offensively, is among the most surgical in recent memory.
It was an embarrassment, the worst loss ever at the hands of Green Bay. There was no moral victory potential, no positive takeaways, just a flat-out asskicking administered by the team every Vikings fan wants to beat most.
But this brings us back to the point about the long haul. As usual, people are going to parse today, and try drawing grander conclusions than they should be. In a disappointing season, there’s always a rush to assign blame, regardless of how warranted it actually is. Accountability is important, but more important is the realization that quick fixes can fall apart pretty fast. If you put a Band-Aid where stitches are required, don’t be surprised when you keep bleeding. At this point, my favorite team is in transplant territory, and hoping to avoid having to amputate.
Teams go bad-to-good quickly in this league, and vice-versa, that much is true. But when you look at the teams that do, they’re typically starting from a strong foundation, built tough up front, killer defense, etc. Then a piece or two arrives and changes things dramatically. The Vikings don’t fit this mold, they simply don’t have very many capable players in most areas of the team.
Is it time to blow it up? Probably. With the exception of Jared Allen and Adrian Peterson, the “stars” on this team seem to be more getting by more on reputation these days than dominant play. The linebackers are decent, the defensive line solid, but the offensive line, defensive backs and receiving corps possesses few players who look like starters on a good NFL team. Sure, many of the guys in these spots are young, but that’s only a consolation if they’re good, and more than a few have offered plenty of evidence to the contrary.
Other than Peterson, Allen, Kevin Williams and Chad Greenway, nobody on the roster seems to be a surefire blue-chipper anymore. Even the few guys listed have had moments that made you question their value over the past couple seasons. The Vikings should listen to offers for anyone, and if they’re blown away, make the deal. The problem with free agents, be it signing them from elsewhere or paying to keep your own, is that they’re going to be overpriced at some point or another. It’s the nature of the beast, but with 5 years of suspect drafting, this team needs bodies at just about every spot, nobody should be untouchable.
They also need an experienced GM, with full control over the football personnel decisions. This is less a criticism of Rick Spielman, and more so a bizarre way of doing things that’s been around for decades. The “Triangle of Authority” structure was just the latest example of what has always been a somewhat murky front office situation, and it seems well past time to establish a clearer chain of command. Input from many sources always leads to better decisions, but ultimately it should be clear to everyone involved who’s making the calls. That clarity has been lacking for a long time, going all the way back to Mike Lynn/Gang of 10 ownership era.
Since then, it’s been a long run of quick fixes and strange bedfellows, culminating with this season, in which there’s a new coach paired with a holdover front office. This would seem to imply that a deep and talented roster was only being held back by poor gameplanning and motivation. From where I’m sitting, that has never appeared to be the case. It’s easy to Monday Morning Quarterback drafts, but my tune on the last few drafts has been the same since the day they happened.
Percy Harvin admittedly looked great for a year, but now is morphing into a rich man’s David Palmer. Chris Cook had injury and character issues in college, it’s not surprising they’re continuing (meanwhile, the guy I was pounding the table for on draft night, Patrick Robinson, is turning into a solid contributor in the Saints secondary). And don’t even get me started on this past year, whatever you think of Ponder and Rudolph, drafting a quarterback and tight end with your first two picks, when you have no offensive line or secondary, is not defensible.
As for the coach and quarterback, the only grades that can be handed out at this point are incompletes. If they want to fire Fraizer and ditch Ponder, I’m not throwing myself in front of the bus, but please, if you do so, then get serious about blowing everything up and building from scratch. The coach may not be getting the most of the players he has, but he doesn’t have the players to win, either. The best defense I heard offered for the quarterback’s up-and-down college career was that he never played with elite skill position players at Florida St. Save for Peterson and (at times) Harvin, he still hasn’t; I’ll withhold a final verdict until he plays with a line that can keep him upright and receivers who are suited to their roles. Not to mention significantly more talented than the current crop.
It’s a bummer when the Viking stink this badly, it really is. Last night’s game should’ve been an event, people should’ve been inspired to gather with friends, head out to bars, just generally gear up for the big game. Instead, most that I know expected what they ended up getting, making it tough to muster much enthusiasm for any get togethers. Unfortunately, the competition is as tough as it’s ever been, and things aren’t going to turn on a dime. As fans, we need to take the long view, be willing to consider every option, and hope the powers that be make the right calls to build something sustainable for the long term.
But hey, look at the bright side, in a couple of years, this might all be Los Angeles' problem.
Wait a minute...
The recurring thought running through my head during the second half of last night’s Vikings evisceration at the hands of the Green Bay Packers was:
Is this the worst Vikings team of my lifetime? Or just the perfect storm of a lousy team running into a historically great one?
After a fair amount of pondering that question (pun!), I’ve come to the conclusion that there have indeed been worse versions of the Purple, but few times that they’ve found themselves surrounded by so much strength.
The 2001 Vikings went 5-11, with a point differential of -100; the 2002 squad 6-10 and -52. Those teams had to deal with Favre-led Packer teams, and a Bears club that went 13-3 in 2001; but the Lions were a perennial doormat, and there’s no way you could convince me that those Bear teams, regardless of their great defenses, are better than the current version. When Jim Miller and Shane Mathews are your starting quarterbacks, you don’t get good team status (a point was borne out when Chicago slipped to 4-12 in 2002).
The current version sits at 2-7, and has been outscored by 65 points following last night’s 45-7 destruction. Although Viking fans, myself included, spent Monday trying to talk themselves into the “any given Sunday” angle, the reality was that they were completely outclassed from the word go. Any given Sunday, odd things can happen. But unfortunately this was Monday, it was Lambeau, and the opponent was a Packer team that, at least offensively, is among the most surgical in recent memory.
It was an embarrassment, the worst loss ever at the hands of Green Bay. There was no moral victory potential, no positive takeaways, just a flat-out asskicking administered by the team every Vikings fan wants to beat most.
But this brings us back to the point about the long haul. As usual, people are going to parse today, and try drawing grander conclusions than they should be. In a disappointing season, there’s always a rush to assign blame, regardless of how warranted it actually is. Accountability is important, but more important is the realization that quick fixes can fall apart pretty fast. If you put a Band-Aid where stitches are required, don’t be surprised when you keep bleeding. At this point, my favorite team is in transplant territory, and hoping to avoid having to amputate.
Teams go bad-to-good quickly in this league, and vice-versa, that much is true. But when you look at the teams that do, they’re typically starting from a strong foundation, built tough up front, killer defense, etc. Then a piece or two arrives and changes things dramatically. The Vikings don’t fit this mold, they simply don’t have very many capable players in most areas of the team.
Is it time to blow it up? Probably. With the exception of Jared Allen and Adrian Peterson, the “stars” on this team seem to be more getting by more on reputation these days than dominant play. The linebackers are decent, the defensive line solid, but the offensive line, defensive backs and receiving corps possesses few players who look like starters on a good NFL team. Sure, many of the guys in these spots are young, but that’s only a consolation if they’re good, and more than a few have offered plenty of evidence to the contrary.
Other than Peterson, Allen, Kevin Williams and Chad Greenway, nobody on the roster seems to be a surefire blue-chipper anymore. Even the few guys listed have had moments that made you question their value over the past couple seasons. The Vikings should listen to offers for anyone, and if they’re blown away, make the deal. The problem with free agents, be it signing them from elsewhere or paying to keep your own, is that they’re going to be overpriced at some point or another. It’s the nature of the beast, but with 5 years of suspect drafting, this team needs bodies at just about every spot, nobody should be untouchable.
They also need an experienced GM, with full control over the football personnel decisions. This is less a criticism of Rick Spielman, and more so a bizarre way of doing things that’s been around for decades. The “Triangle of Authority” structure was just the latest example of what has always been a somewhat murky front office situation, and it seems well past time to establish a clearer chain of command. Input from many sources always leads to better decisions, but ultimately it should be clear to everyone involved who’s making the calls. That clarity has been lacking for a long time, going all the way back to Mike Lynn/Gang of 10 ownership era.
Since then, it’s been a long run of quick fixes and strange bedfellows, culminating with this season, in which there’s a new coach paired with a holdover front office. This would seem to imply that a deep and talented roster was only being held back by poor gameplanning and motivation. From where I’m sitting, that has never appeared to be the case. It’s easy to Monday Morning Quarterback drafts, but my tune on the last few drafts has been the same since the day they happened.
Percy Harvin admittedly looked great for a year, but now is morphing into a rich man’s David Palmer. Chris Cook had injury and character issues in college, it’s not surprising they’re continuing (meanwhile, the guy I was pounding the table for on draft night, Patrick Robinson, is turning into a solid contributor in the Saints secondary). And don’t even get me started on this past year, whatever you think of Ponder and Rudolph, drafting a quarterback and tight end with your first two picks, when you have no offensive line or secondary, is not defensible.
As for the coach and quarterback, the only grades that can be handed out at this point are incompletes. If they want to fire Fraizer and ditch Ponder, I’m not throwing myself in front of the bus, but please, if you do so, then get serious about blowing everything up and building from scratch. The coach may not be getting the most of the players he has, but he doesn’t have the players to win, either. The best defense I heard offered for the quarterback’s up-and-down college career was that he never played with elite skill position players at Florida St. Save for Peterson and (at times) Harvin, he still hasn’t; I’ll withhold a final verdict until he plays with a line that can keep him upright and receivers who are suited to their roles. Not to mention significantly more talented than the current crop.
It’s a bummer when the Viking stink this badly, it really is. Last night’s game should’ve been an event, people should’ve been inspired to gather with friends, head out to bars, just generally gear up for the big game. Instead, most that I know expected what they ended up getting, making it tough to muster much enthusiasm for any get togethers. Unfortunately, the competition is as tough as it’s ever been, and things aren’t going to turn on a dime. As fans, we need to take the long view, be willing to consider every option, and hope the powers that be make the right calls to build something sustainable for the long term.
But hey, look at the bright side, in a couple of years, this might all be Los Angeles' problem.
Wait a minute...
Friday, November 11, 2011
Quantifying Qualities
Eleven days into November, and nary a post, that is a bad job by me. Some of it was by chance, the last few days have been by choice. Minnesota sports teams have begun to right the ship in my absence, and being the superstitious type, I wanted to see how far the Wild could stretch their winning streak before messing with things.
Christian Ponder led the Vikings capably in the last two games, even winning one, no doubt due to his burning desire to prove me wrong. I'm not ready to admit defeat of my anti-Ponder platform just yet, but since I typically end up on the wrong side of most things, it should be coming before the end of the season. Gopher football won back the treasured golden pig from Iowa, and gave Michigan St. all they could handle last week. The corner hasn't exactly been turned, but signs of life are always welcome, as is the avoidance of becoming a historical laughingstock.
And it's not just football flourishing in this, the city of (extremely recent) winners, the hockey teams are getting in on the act as well. Although the Wild dropped a stinkbomb in San Jose last night, their recent wining streak gives hope that they might keep things interesting, at the very least, throughout the long cold winter. Then there's the best of the bunch, Gopher hockey, who swept my Fighting Sioux squad back to Grand Forks and grabbed a #1 national ranking. I can't say that I'm overjoyed about this, but have to give respect where it's due. At least just about all my friends are happy.
As the token Sioux fan in the midst of a bunch of Gopher diehards, it's been a pleasant few years. Watching my team struggle while a Gopher team sits atop the polls is something I haven't had to deal with in quite some time. Because of my fatalistic nature, I expect it to happen every year, but expecting and getting are two far different things. Now the inevitable has come to pass, the Gophers are once again good at hockey...and that's probably not the worst thing in the world.
Because everyone needs a rough patch here and there to keep them humble. Being insufferable when your team is up means you get it back twice as bad when they're down. I don't think I've been too much of a-hole the past few years, but I also haven't had to listen to me. If some people disagree, and are looking for a bit of payback, that's fine. Getting some flak comes with the territory.
This whole thing got me thinking, in a broader sense, what is it that really annoys us about opposing fans? I mean the behaviors that make you want to gouge the offender's eyes out while laughing maniacally? (Is that just me?) Sure, drunken loudmouth strangers are one thing, there will never be any redeeming qualities there. But what about the people you see frequently? Friends, co-workers, family members, even spouses in some cases, the people we need to coexist with, who are the true jerks among them, worthy of endless scorn?
More specifically, do I deserve to get killed by my mob of Gopher-loving buddies over the next few weeks, or can I legitimately expect them to lay off a bit?
Some of it comes back to the Golden Rule, and you should get back as much as you have doled out. But you're probably thinking "That's pretty wishy-washy, why can't someone come up with some sort of numeric rating system for fan obnoxiousness?"
Well, since you asked, I'd like to introduce the Fan Insufferability Index (FII)
The Basics
The way I see it, there are five dimensions to what makes an annoying/grating/want-to-punch-this-guy-in-the-face kind of fan, and a couple that go a long way in redeeming some of those qualities. We rate all of these factors on a scale from 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest), add up the bad ones, subtract the good ones, and come up with a composite picture of just how big an asshole each of us is. It's like golf, the lower your score, the better.
Homerism
The home team can do no wrong, and if they do, it was caused by some outside influence. A '10' in this category would argue that Chris Cook acted in self-defense and the Loveboat was a setup. Their team never commits a penalty; if they're called for one, it's obviously some sort of league-wide conspiracy. The lack of objectivity displayed makes watching games with them impossible, it's like sitting next to an Edina hockey mom who screams bloody murder any time someone gets within 10 feet of her precious angel.
What I would score myself: 2
What I think others would score me: 3
I've never been inclined to give my teams the benefit of the doubt on much of anything. But like any fan, feel the need to talk myself into certain things on occasion. We've all been through the ritual of drumming up hope for a mediocre team at the beginning of a new season, doing the "if this happens, and that happens, and this happens, and that happens, we might be pretty good" routine. A good rule of thumb is, if the list goes beyond two, they're probably going to stink.
Negativity
Homerism's less common, but equally annoying, cousin. From kickoff/puck drop/tipoff on, a fan cursed with negativity expects the worst and makes sure everyone around them knows it. Many people go into games nervous about a bad matchup or talent deficit, but they still hope for the best and deal with things going poorly. The negatives expect failure, and use every bad thing that happens, no matter how minor, as evidence to reinforce their point. This is the type of person who watches the opponent score on the opening drive of a football game, throws their hands up and exclaims "I knew we'd blow it". The type that will walk around all day before a big game, downplaying the team's chances with statements like "I just hope they don't embarrass themselves". Other people wonder why they watch in the first place, and wish they'd just stay home if they're going to be such a whiny bitch about everything.
What I would score myself: 8
What I think others would score me: 10
I've been working on this the past couple of years, honestly I have, and think there's been some improvement. Unfortunately, you don't shed a well-earned reputation very easily. At least I've proven that I can poke fun at my fatalism, such as the opening night of a Twins season a couple years ago, when I declared the season over after the first batter struck out. The fact that I had to clarify it was a joke told me maybe I'd taken this a bit too far, it's tough to fight history.
Trash Talk
Most of the banter between opposing parties at a game is perfectly understandable, sometimes even highly entertaining. A good-natured back and forth is one of the hallmarks of being a fan, and a bit of that is to be expected, especially when walking into enemy territory with your team's colors on. But with that said, there's a certain class of people out there who take things way too far. Watching the game became secondary to them a long time ago, now their number one objective is to get in the face of anyone and everyone they can find who's rooting for the wrong side. It doesn't matter if their team is winning, losing, or not even playing, they just chirp, chirp, chirp, all the livelong day.
And the ones who sit around all evening, quiet as a churchmouse, then start in with the "I told you"s once the final whistle sounds? Well they should just walk outside and light themselves on fire. You are a fraud, sir, and a coward, who nobody likes. Good day.
What I would score myself: 2
What I think others would score me: 2
Trash talk has never been my thing, mainly because I'm really bad at it. For starters, I don't really believe much of what's said when talking my teams up. I'm always picturing the worst case scenario, and just want to escape with a win, forget rubbing anyone's face in it. Not to mention the other guy always gets under my skin more than I get under his. Get left fuming while he's laughing it off. I know a lot of people consider it part of the fun, but for me, it's just not an activity that's worth engaging in.
Idiocy
The most despicable of the five deadly sports sins in my mind is simply not knowing what the hell you are talking about. You can be an over-the-top homer, or a withering font of negativity, but please, for the love of God, know what the #!*&^% you are talking about!!! A fan afflicted with idiocy will tell you that the Twins beat the Yankees in the playoffs one year, just can't pin down which. They are positive that Thomas Vanek was from Germany, Duluth East beat Apple Valley in the 1996 high school championship game, and Cris Carter played for the Giants before the Vikings. It's not being wrong that's the problem, it's the 100% certainty and conviction that they bring to their incorrectness. Perhaps this bother me more than others, because I'm a trivia geek, but the facts of history are only the foundation for every argument and debate that comes up, SO IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT TO GET THEM RIGHT!!! I thought about calling this category "Knowledge" and spinning it in a positive light, but that's not appropriate. Having the correct facts and figures should not be a point in your favor, just the price of admission, it is only the idiots that need to be singled out.
What I would score myself: 0
What I think others would score me: 0
Say what you will about other areas of my comportment as a fan, I know my shit. I didn't spend a week reading the baseball almanac cover-to-cover as a kid so I could get my facts wrong. I did it because of a slight OCD tendency, coupled with an borderline unhealthy infatuation with sports. At any rate, smartphones and Google are helping to nip this blight on society in the bud, just not fast enough.
Superstition/Insanity
Do you ever find yourself re-creating the routines you went through before the last big win your team had? Insisting on watching at the same bar, ordering the same meal, sitting in the same spot? Have a 'lucky' shirt or jersey that is cared for delicately, and only broken out for the most important occasions?
Yeah, me neither, I was just making that stuff up, forget I said anything.
What I would score myself: 8
What I think others would score me: 6 (only because they don't know the half of it
I'm a superstitious person by nature, won't walk under a ladder, or pick up a penny lying tails-up. Not sure why, they just seem like simple acts that are easily avoided, so why tempt fate? Sports are the same way, I'm sure it doesn't help, but it can't hurt either. So if I want to come up with a complex set of actions involving tapping my foot, touching my ear, taking a sip of beer and drumming five times on the bar in front of me (not 4, not 6, 5!) before each pitch of a playoff baseball game, what difference does it make to you? I apologize for nothing! Yet people have been irritated by these things in the past, so I include it.
The total of these would be your Gross FII, now on to the things that need to be netted against it...
Dedication
If you're there supporting your team, year in, year out, thick, thin and otherwise, that goes a long way in mitigating some of the more annoying behaviors. The prior discussion of Gopher hockey is a perfect example, as most of the people I know have been attending and watching games religiously over the past few years, regardless of the team's struggles. Some of them may be flaming homers, but at least they're consistent, no jumping ship with these guys. Contrast that with some other fans, who didn't let the fact they hadn't seen a game in two years stop them from piling on with zingers this week, and you'll get what I'm talking about. This isn't to say that you can never miss a few games if you want to call yourself a fan, that would be silly. But if you want to beat your chest when the team is up, you'd better not be MIA when they're struggling. If so, I will politely tell you to GFY.
What I would score myself: 7
What I think others would score me: 8
I will accept many criticisms, but not in this area. For better or for worse, I've cast my lot, and won't be going anywhere. Now if the team decides to, then all bets are off...
Passion
If you love holding yourself up as a huge fan, but your team losing doesn't really bother you, then you're suspect. In my mind, being a fan should be about winning games and titles first. The perks of having the upper hand in arguments with opposing fans is an enjoyable, but distant, second. Anyone who spends three hours trying to irritate people over something they don't really care that much about is a bigger fan of being a d!ck than watching sports. You don't have to go home and do the fetal position/dark room/softly weeping thing, but if it doesn't mean something, why do you bother?
What I would score myself: 10
What I think others would score me: 10
Probably go too far with this, fortunately with each passing year, the bar on heartbreak gets raised, and each big loss hurts a bit less. That being said, if the Vikings ever make a Super Bowl, I will be watching from a padded room.
So how did I score myself? Let's go to the tale of the tape:
Homerism = 2
Negativity = 8
Trash Talk = 2
Idiocy = 0
Superstition = 8
Gross FII = 20
- Dedication = 7
- Passion = 10
Net FII = 3
Not a bad score, although I'm just scoring myself, others might see things quite differently (and perhaps more clearly).
What would the FII numbers be for other types of fans? I could hazard a guess on a couple general profiles.
Your grandpa (-20)
A perfect score, probably unattainable for anyone under age 60, not yet mellow enough. Grandad just likes going down to the Gopher football games every week, throwing the stadium blanket over his lap, tuning in the handheld radio to WCCO (old habits die hard), changing it to the FAN and enjoying the day. He doesn't whine, complain, bitch, moan or carp, just enjoys a day at the game. Being shot at by Germans has a way of making sports seem trivial.
That motherf*cker in your office (+20)
Everybody has one, they lie in wait while their team stinks, then pounce as soon as something falls their way. This guy may love his team (Passion = 10), but he's also a deluded (Homerism = 10) loudmouth (Trash Talk = 10) who couldn't tell you what their record was last year (Idiocy = 10). The only thing he knows is that you're a fan of the opposing team, and his team beat yours, nevermind that last week you were explaining to him which guys on his squad graduated last year.
The casual bandwagoner (0)
I don't mean bandwagon in a negative sense here, just somebody who got into a team when things are going well. Their desire for a win may overrule their better judgement at times (Homerism = 5), but it's fun to add another fan to the fold (Passion = 5). Otherwise, they know enough to know that they don't know much (Idiocy = 0) and are sort of new to the whole experience (Dedication = 0), kind of a blank slate.
Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for one day, time to sit back, tinker with the formula a bit and start rating some friends. Gladly, for my sake, most will score pretty well.
Christian Ponder led the Vikings capably in the last two games, even winning one, no doubt due to his burning desire to prove me wrong. I'm not ready to admit defeat of my anti-Ponder platform just yet, but since I typically end up on the wrong side of most things, it should be coming before the end of the season. Gopher football won back the treasured golden pig from Iowa, and gave Michigan St. all they could handle last week. The corner hasn't exactly been turned, but signs of life are always welcome, as is the avoidance of becoming a historical laughingstock.
And it's not just football flourishing in this, the city of (extremely recent) winners, the hockey teams are getting in on the act as well. Although the Wild dropped a stinkbomb in San Jose last night, their recent wining streak gives hope that they might keep things interesting, at the very least, throughout the long cold winter. Then there's the best of the bunch, Gopher hockey, who swept my Fighting Sioux squad back to Grand Forks and grabbed a #1 national ranking. I can't say that I'm overjoyed about this, but have to give respect where it's due. At least just about all my friends are happy.
As the token Sioux fan in the midst of a bunch of Gopher diehards, it's been a pleasant few years. Watching my team struggle while a Gopher team sits atop the polls is something I haven't had to deal with in quite some time. Because of my fatalistic nature, I expect it to happen every year, but expecting and getting are two far different things. Now the inevitable has come to pass, the Gophers are once again good at hockey...and that's probably not the worst thing in the world.
Because everyone needs a rough patch here and there to keep them humble. Being insufferable when your team is up means you get it back twice as bad when they're down. I don't think I've been too much of a-hole the past few years, but I also haven't had to listen to me. If some people disagree, and are looking for a bit of payback, that's fine. Getting some flak comes with the territory.
This whole thing got me thinking, in a broader sense, what is it that really annoys us about opposing fans? I mean the behaviors that make you want to gouge the offender's eyes out while laughing maniacally? (Is that just me?) Sure, drunken loudmouth strangers are one thing, there will never be any redeeming qualities there. But what about the people you see frequently? Friends, co-workers, family members, even spouses in some cases, the people we need to coexist with, who are the true jerks among them, worthy of endless scorn?
More specifically, do I deserve to get killed by my mob of Gopher-loving buddies over the next few weeks, or can I legitimately expect them to lay off a bit?
Some of it comes back to the Golden Rule, and you should get back as much as you have doled out. But you're probably thinking "That's pretty wishy-washy, why can't someone come up with some sort of numeric rating system for fan obnoxiousness?"
Well, since you asked, I'd like to introduce the Fan Insufferability Index (FII)
The Basics
The way I see it, there are five dimensions to what makes an annoying/grating/want-to-punch-this-guy-in-the-face kind of fan, and a couple that go a long way in redeeming some of those qualities. We rate all of these factors on a scale from 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest), add up the bad ones, subtract the good ones, and come up with a composite picture of just how big an asshole each of us is. It's like golf, the lower your score, the better.
Homerism
The home team can do no wrong, and if they do, it was caused by some outside influence. A '10' in this category would argue that Chris Cook acted in self-defense and the Loveboat was a setup. Their team never commits a penalty; if they're called for one, it's obviously some sort of league-wide conspiracy. The lack of objectivity displayed makes watching games with them impossible, it's like sitting next to an Edina hockey mom who screams bloody murder any time someone gets within 10 feet of her precious angel.
What I would score myself: 2
What I think others would score me: 3
I've never been inclined to give my teams the benefit of the doubt on much of anything. But like any fan, feel the need to talk myself into certain things on occasion. We've all been through the ritual of drumming up hope for a mediocre team at the beginning of a new season, doing the "if this happens, and that happens, and this happens, and that happens, we might be pretty good" routine. A good rule of thumb is, if the list goes beyond two, they're probably going to stink.
Negativity
Homerism's less common, but equally annoying, cousin. From kickoff/puck drop/tipoff on, a fan cursed with negativity expects the worst and makes sure everyone around them knows it. Many people go into games nervous about a bad matchup or talent deficit, but they still hope for the best and deal with things going poorly. The negatives expect failure, and use every bad thing that happens, no matter how minor, as evidence to reinforce their point. This is the type of person who watches the opponent score on the opening drive of a football game, throws their hands up and exclaims "I knew we'd blow it". The type that will walk around all day before a big game, downplaying the team's chances with statements like "I just hope they don't embarrass themselves". Other people wonder why they watch in the first place, and wish they'd just stay home if they're going to be such a whiny bitch about everything.
What I would score myself: 8
What I think others would score me: 10
I've been working on this the past couple of years, honestly I have, and think there's been some improvement. Unfortunately, you don't shed a well-earned reputation very easily. At least I've proven that I can poke fun at my fatalism, such as the opening night of a Twins season a couple years ago, when I declared the season over after the first batter struck out. The fact that I had to clarify it was a joke told me maybe I'd taken this a bit too far, it's tough to fight history.
Trash Talk
Most of the banter between opposing parties at a game is perfectly understandable, sometimes even highly entertaining. A good-natured back and forth is one of the hallmarks of being a fan, and a bit of that is to be expected, especially when walking into enemy territory with your team's colors on. But with that said, there's a certain class of people out there who take things way too far. Watching the game became secondary to them a long time ago, now their number one objective is to get in the face of anyone and everyone they can find who's rooting for the wrong side. It doesn't matter if their team is winning, losing, or not even playing, they just chirp, chirp, chirp, all the livelong day.
And the ones who sit around all evening, quiet as a churchmouse, then start in with the "I told you"s once the final whistle sounds? Well they should just walk outside and light themselves on fire. You are a fraud, sir, and a coward, who nobody likes. Good day.
What I would score myself: 2
What I think others would score me: 2
Trash talk has never been my thing, mainly because I'm really bad at it. For starters, I don't really believe much of what's said when talking my teams up. I'm always picturing the worst case scenario, and just want to escape with a win, forget rubbing anyone's face in it. Not to mention the other guy always gets under my skin more than I get under his. Get left fuming while he's laughing it off. I know a lot of people consider it part of the fun, but for me, it's just not an activity that's worth engaging in.
Idiocy
The most despicable of the five deadly sports sins in my mind is simply not knowing what the hell you are talking about. You can be an over-the-top homer, or a withering font of negativity, but please, for the love of God, know what the #!*&^% you are talking about!!! A fan afflicted with idiocy will tell you that the Twins beat the Yankees in the playoffs one year, just can't pin down which. They are positive that Thomas Vanek was from Germany, Duluth East beat Apple Valley in the 1996 high school championship game, and Cris Carter played for the Giants before the Vikings. It's not being wrong that's the problem, it's the 100% certainty and conviction that they bring to their incorrectness. Perhaps this bother me more than others, because I'm a trivia geek, but the facts of history are only the foundation for every argument and debate that comes up, SO IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT TO GET THEM RIGHT!!! I thought about calling this category "Knowledge" and spinning it in a positive light, but that's not appropriate. Having the correct facts and figures should not be a point in your favor, just the price of admission, it is only the idiots that need to be singled out.
What I would score myself: 0
What I think others would score me: 0
Say what you will about other areas of my comportment as a fan, I know my shit. I didn't spend a week reading the baseball almanac cover-to-cover as a kid so I could get my facts wrong. I did it because of a slight OCD tendency, coupled with an borderline unhealthy infatuation with sports. At any rate, smartphones and Google are helping to nip this blight on society in the bud, just not fast enough.
Superstition/Insanity
Do you ever find yourself re-creating the routines you went through before the last big win your team had? Insisting on watching at the same bar, ordering the same meal, sitting in the same spot? Have a 'lucky' shirt or jersey that is cared for delicately, and only broken out for the most important occasions?
Yeah, me neither, I was just making that stuff up, forget I said anything.
What I would score myself: 8
What I think others would score me: 6 (only because they don't know the half of it
I'm a superstitious person by nature, won't walk under a ladder, or pick up a penny lying tails-up. Not sure why, they just seem like simple acts that are easily avoided, so why tempt fate? Sports are the same way, I'm sure it doesn't help, but it can't hurt either. So if I want to come up with a complex set of actions involving tapping my foot, touching my ear, taking a sip of beer and drumming five times on the bar in front of me (not 4, not 6, 5!) before each pitch of a playoff baseball game, what difference does it make to you? I apologize for nothing! Yet people have been irritated by these things in the past, so I include it.
The total of these would be your Gross FII, now on to the things that need to be netted against it...
Dedication
If you're there supporting your team, year in, year out, thick, thin and otherwise, that goes a long way in mitigating some of the more annoying behaviors. The prior discussion of Gopher hockey is a perfect example, as most of the people I know have been attending and watching games religiously over the past few years, regardless of the team's struggles. Some of them may be flaming homers, but at least they're consistent, no jumping ship with these guys. Contrast that with some other fans, who didn't let the fact they hadn't seen a game in two years stop them from piling on with zingers this week, and you'll get what I'm talking about. This isn't to say that you can never miss a few games if you want to call yourself a fan, that would be silly. But if you want to beat your chest when the team is up, you'd better not be MIA when they're struggling. If so, I will politely tell you to GFY.
What I would score myself: 7
What I think others would score me: 8
I will accept many criticisms, but not in this area. For better or for worse, I've cast my lot, and won't be going anywhere. Now if the team decides to, then all bets are off...
Passion
If you love holding yourself up as a huge fan, but your team losing doesn't really bother you, then you're suspect. In my mind, being a fan should be about winning games and titles first. The perks of having the upper hand in arguments with opposing fans is an enjoyable, but distant, second. Anyone who spends three hours trying to irritate people over something they don't really care that much about is a bigger fan of being a d!ck than watching sports. You don't have to go home and do the fetal position/dark room/softly weeping thing, but if it doesn't mean something, why do you bother?
What I would score myself: 10
What I think others would score me: 10
Probably go too far with this, fortunately with each passing year, the bar on heartbreak gets raised, and each big loss hurts a bit less. That being said, if the Vikings ever make a Super Bowl, I will be watching from a padded room.
So how did I score myself? Let's go to the tale of the tape:
Homerism = 2
Negativity = 8
Trash Talk = 2
Idiocy = 0
Superstition = 8
Gross FII = 20
- Dedication = 7
- Passion = 10
Net FII = 3
Not a bad score, although I'm just scoring myself, others might see things quite differently (and perhaps more clearly).
What would the FII numbers be for other types of fans? I could hazard a guess on a couple general profiles.
Your grandpa (-20)
A perfect score, probably unattainable for anyone under age 60, not yet mellow enough. Grandad just likes going down to the Gopher football games every week, throwing the stadium blanket over his lap, tuning in the handheld radio to WCCO (old habits die hard), changing it to the FAN and enjoying the day. He doesn't whine, complain, bitch, moan or carp, just enjoys a day at the game. Being shot at by Germans has a way of making sports seem trivial.
That motherf*cker in your office (+20)
Everybody has one, they lie in wait while their team stinks, then pounce as soon as something falls their way. This guy may love his team (Passion = 10), but he's also a deluded (Homerism = 10) loudmouth (Trash Talk = 10) who couldn't tell you what their record was last year (Idiocy = 10). The only thing he knows is that you're a fan of the opposing team, and his team beat yours, nevermind that last week you were explaining to him which guys on his squad graduated last year.
The casual bandwagoner (0)
I don't mean bandwagon in a negative sense here, just somebody who got into a team when things are going well. Their desire for a win may overrule their better judgement at times (Homerism = 5), but it's fun to add another fan to the fold (Passion = 5). Otherwise, they know enough to know that they don't know much (Idiocy = 0) and are sort of new to the whole experience (Dedication = 0), kind of a blank slate.
Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for one day, time to sit back, tinker with the formula a bit and start rating some friends. Gladly, for my sake, most will score pretty well.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Simply wow
As the late, great Mel Allen used to say, how about that?
Game 6 of the World Series take place in St. Louis last night, it lived up to the moniker of Fall Classic, and then some. 20 years and a day since Kirby Puckett sent me and 50,000 other Minnesota sports fans home from the Metrodome with the greatest sports memory of our lives, another game in a different city equaled the drama and reminded those of us watching why we started watching sports in the first place.
I watch a lot of games, some might say too many. Many are lousy, some great, very few stick in your memory past the season in which they were played. Last night’s contest, with its 5 blown leads, extra inning comeback and walk-off finish, was one that will endure. The Cardinals looked dead and buried multiple times, yet somehow came back to push it to tonight’s deciding 7th game.
Catching the last few innings with friends, it was amazing to watch the mood turn from indifference to pandemonium. When 30 people in a random bar hundreds of miles from the action are out of their seats cheering a game they barely cared about an hour earlier, you’ve got something special on your hands. You wait for games like that, you pray for games like that, you sift through endless amounts of garbage and BS for games like that. For all the negatives that sports have brought lately, there’s always that other side of a coin, the pure joy of watching improbable occurrences unfold in the most dramatic fashion. Just watching the faces of the fans in the stands, going from agony to ecstasy, back to agony and finally to a state of deliriously happy relief; well that’s been making me smile today every time it’s crossed my mind.
It seems like most of the talk about this Series has been about the lack of interest. The big markets and marquee teams are out, ratings are down, and baseball in general has taken a cultural backseat. That might all be true, but it makes no difference to me, if somebody wants to miss out on something amazing, that’s their problem. As George Carlin once said, “Just people some people are really f*cking stupid, that’s no reason we should adopt their standards.” This has been a great finale to the postseason, the best in years, and now we reach the end, with the dramatic finish everyone was hoping for.
As for tonight, I’m not foolish enough to expect anything approaching the rollercoaster that was Game 6. Lightning doesn’t strike twice, and games that are quite literally 1-in-a thousand don’t happen on back to back nights. But if it packs even half the drama, we are in for another big treat.
And by the way, for all the fans out there, particularly in Twins Territory, who had a problem with Joe Buck's final call, get a grip. I'm no fan of the guy either, but considering the timing (almost 20 years to the day), the situation (Game 6 walk-off) and the fact it was his father's call, I have no problem with the "see you tomorrow night" paraphrase. If it was anyone else saying it, if it had been uttered in the division series, these things would bother me. As it is, the call fit perfectly, and the game itself was worthy of it's memory.
Play ball.
Game 6 of the World Series take place in St. Louis last night, it lived up to the moniker of Fall Classic, and then some. 20 years and a day since Kirby Puckett sent me and 50,000 other Minnesota sports fans home from the Metrodome with the greatest sports memory of our lives, another game in a different city equaled the drama and reminded those of us watching why we started watching sports in the first place.
I watch a lot of games, some might say too many. Many are lousy, some great, very few stick in your memory past the season in which they were played. Last night’s contest, with its 5 blown leads, extra inning comeback and walk-off finish, was one that will endure. The Cardinals looked dead and buried multiple times, yet somehow came back to push it to tonight’s deciding 7th game.
Catching the last few innings with friends, it was amazing to watch the mood turn from indifference to pandemonium. When 30 people in a random bar hundreds of miles from the action are out of their seats cheering a game they barely cared about an hour earlier, you’ve got something special on your hands. You wait for games like that, you pray for games like that, you sift through endless amounts of garbage and BS for games like that. For all the negatives that sports have brought lately, there’s always that other side of a coin, the pure joy of watching improbable occurrences unfold in the most dramatic fashion. Just watching the faces of the fans in the stands, going from agony to ecstasy, back to agony and finally to a state of deliriously happy relief; well that’s been making me smile today every time it’s crossed my mind.
It seems like most of the talk about this Series has been about the lack of interest. The big markets and marquee teams are out, ratings are down, and baseball in general has taken a cultural backseat. That might all be true, but it makes no difference to me, if somebody wants to miss out on something amazing, that’s their problem. As George Carlin once said, “Just people some people are really f*cking stupid, that’s no reason we should adopt their standards.” This has been a great finale to the postseason, the best in years, and now we reach the end, with the dramatic finish everyone was hoping for.
As for tonight, I’m not foolish enough to expect anything approaching the rollercoaster that was Game 6. Lightning doesn’t strike twice, and games that are quite literally 1-in-a thousand don’t happen on back to back nights. But if it packs even half the drama, we are in for another big treat.
And by the way, for all the fans out there, particularly in Twins Territory, who had a problem with Joe Buck's final call, get a grip. I'm no fan of the guy either, but considering the timing (almost 20 years to the day), the situation (Game 6 walk-off) and the fact it was his father's call, I have no problem with the "see you tomorrow night" paraphrase. If it was anyone else saying it, if it had been uttered in the division series, these things would bother me. As it is, the call fit perfectly, and the game itself was worthy of it's memory.
Play ball.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Moral(e) Victory
I've never been a big moral victory guy.
It's easy to understand why coaches and players need to pull positive points from overall negative situations, particularly when they're focusing on the future. Playing even during the second half, consistently moving the ball, showing some flashes, this is the language of teams who just got beat...but got beat by less than they were supposed to. It's a effective tool when used sparingly, but go to the well too often, and you'll be dismissed as a buffoon.
Gopher football has always been the most fertile ground from which to harvest moral victories, and Old Farmer Brewster the greatest purveyor it's ever known. Cherry-picking the good points and glossing over the bad worked for awhile. But once your major highlight is the fact that you've scored last in all your blowout losses, you've taken a left turn from Positivetown to Delusionville.
That's why this is such an odd feeling, on a weekend where both local football teams lost, the main thought running through my head was: "Hey, that could've been much worse!"
Sure, the Gophers got blown out of the water early, but at least managed to keep things from descending into another 50-point abyss. The Vikings hung in with the NFL's best team, even having an outside shot to win the game, while getting a bit of spark from their new rookie QB. Heck, even the Wild managed to scrape up a point in Vancouver before losing in OT. A trifecta of "good" losses, if there is such a thing.
Would any of this be viewed with a shred of positivity if the bar hadn't been lowered to ridiculous levels? Of course not. But when you're on a forced march through the barren desert, you need to talk yourself into the idea that their might be an oasis just over the next dune. Helps you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There are no Vikings or Gopher fans, or at least none who would be considered sane in a court of law, still holding out hope for the 2011 season. That was entinguished some time ago, if it ever really existed to being with. Now we get to kick back, and enjoy the season without all the angst of impending playoff doom. Sure there's still a bit of ongoing drama related to the fact that our team could end up playing it's home games a thousand miles away in the near future, but let's put that aside and focus on the positive.
Because Christian Ponder looked pretty good, or at least good by comparison. People like me, who were concerned about starting a rookie from day one, were reminded that a rookie is an upgrade, when the alternative is a corpse. He ran around a bit, made a few plays, gave them a chance; with this supporting cast, that's all we can ask for. Of course, this does not mean that we should expect long-term success, my bust expectation has not changed. But it is intriguing, and at the moment, that's all we can ask for.
Not throwing bouquets at everyone though, so I'll end an oddly optimistic blog with some venomous invective.
My hatred for Broncos QB Tim Tebow is well-chronicled, most notably here. The events of the past 24 hours have brought me to a very important decision:
Be it know that as of today, October 24th, in the year of our lord 2011, Tim Tebow shall be dubbed the official nemesis of the Loserville Chronicles.
Why? Well the short answer is because everyone needs a nemesis, as we learned from the Count of Monte Cristo. Love may be good for writing songs, but it's grudges, and the settling of scores, that keep things moving along. Do you think American society would be anywhere near where it is today if not for the Soviet threat pushing things for half a century? Everyone needs somebody to keep them on their toes, I'm up to 5 or 6 different nemeses these days. Not a list you want to be on, trust me, nevermind the fact that most of them don't know who I am.
Why specifically Tebow? Can't say there's really a logical basis for hating him personally, but the fervor of his supporters alone offers ample reason to want him to fail.
I'll let regular reader Brent from Denver explain:
One could understand that view coming from Denver, but even at a bar in Minnesota, the Tebow comeback was greeted with a roar typically reserved for Vikings TDs. It would appear that a whole lot of people out there are on board, and there's nothing that irritates me more than the blind awarding of underserved credit.
I never hated Michael Phelps, just Phelps fans. Never hated LeBron James (well, never before The Decision at least), just hated the media for creating an endless two-year saga leading up to his impending free agency. Never even hated Brett Favre, just the godlike status afforded to him. But I am starting to hate Tim Tebow, because he's trending closer to Kim Kardashian than any of the athletes previously mentioned, making headlines more on the basis of his image than his ability.
Oh sure, there are accomplishments galore when it comes to football, but much of the Tebow admiration has nothing to do with the game he plays. That makes me uneasy, as the game is my only concern . I respect the guy's belief system, that's his business, and a personal thing. But I support separation of church and sport, and the best way I see to avoid more abortion ads during the Super Bowl is for Tim Tebow's career to flame out quickly and completely.
Do I recognize the silliness in what I just wrote, criticizing the upstanding citizen while a Vikings defensive back sits jailed on a domestic assault charge that includes the word "strangulation"? Of course I do. This is sports hate, we'll leave the true hate for real life.
But that's the point, this isn't real life, this is sports, so no cross-pollinating with the parts of life that actually matter. You keep hopping over the line Mr. Tebow, not to mention your supporters are really annoying, so here's hoping you're gone from the league very soon.
Nothing personal, nemesis.
It's easy to understand why coaches and players need to pull positive points from overall negative situations, particularly when they're focusing on the future. Playing even during the second half, consistently moving the ball, showing some flashes, this is the language of teams who just got beat...but got beat by less than they were supposed to. It's a effective tool when used sparingly, but go to the well too often, and you'll be dismissed as a buffoon.
Gopher football has always been the most fertile ground from which to harvest moral victories, and Old Farmer Brewster the greatest purveyor it's ever known. Cherry-picking the good points and glossing over the bad worked for awhile. But once your major highlight is the fact that you've scored last in all your blowout losses, you've taken a left turn from Positivetown to Delusionville.
That's why this is such an odd feeling, on a weekend where both local football teams lost, the main thought running through my head was: "Hey, that could've been much worse!"
Sure, the Gophers got blown out of the water early, but at least managed to keep things from descending into another 50-point abyss. The Vikings hung in with the NFL's best team, even having an outside shot to win the game, while getting a bit of spark from their new rookie QB. Heck, even the Wild managed to scrape up a point in Vancouver before losing in OT. A trifecta of "good" losses, if there is such a thing.
Would any of this be viewed with a shred of positivity if the bar hadn't been lowered to ridiculous levels? Of course not. But when you're on a forced march through the barren desert, you need to talk yourself into the idea that their might be an oasis just over the next dune. Helps you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There are no Vikings or Gopher fans, or at least none who would be considered sane in a court of law, still holding out hope for the 2011 season. That was entinguished some time ago, if it ever really existed to being with. Now we get to kick back, and enjoy the season without all the angst of impending playoff doom. Sure there's still a bit of ongoing drama related to the fact that our team could end up playing it's home games a thousand miles away in the near future, but let's put that aside and focus on the positive.
Because Christian Ponder looked pretty good, or at least good by comparison. People like me, who were concerned about starting a rookie from day one, were reminded that a rookie is an upgrade, when the alternative is a corpse. He ran around a bit, made a few plays, gave them a chance; with this supporting cast, that's all we can ask for. Of course, this does not mean that we should expect long-term success, my bust expectation has not changed. But it is intriguing, and at the moment, that's all we can ask for.
Not throwing bouquets at everyone though, so I'll end an oddly optimistic blog with some venomous invective.
My hatred for Broncos QB Tim Tebow is well-chronicled, most notably here. The events of the past 24 hours have brought me to a very important decision:
Be it know that as of today, October 24th, in the year of our lord 2011, Tim Tebow shall be dubbed the official nemesis of the Loserville Chronicles.
Why? Well the short answer is because everyone needs a nemesis, as we learned from the Count of Monte Cristo. Love may be good for writing songs, but it's grudges, and the settling of scores, that keep things moving along. Do you think American society would be anywhere near where it is today if not for the Soviet threat pushing things for half a century? Everyone needs somebody to keep them on their toes, I'm up to 5 or 6 different nemeses these days. Not a list you want to be on, trust me, nevermind the fact that most of them don't know who I am.
Why specifically Tebow? Can't say there's really a logical basis for hating him personally, but the fervor of his supporters alone offers ample reason to want him to fail.
I'll let regular reader Brent from Denver explain:
I was getting to the point of being able to tolerate my city's home team....
I went to lunch. When I first get into my car, Rome is talking Tebow. Change the channel, Cowherd is talking Tebow. Change to the local guys....talking Tebow. Get home to eat, turn on sports center, they are breaking down plays from Tebow's game. Get back in the car to come to work and here is a paraphrased phone call from a local rube:
"All these national guys are drooling over what Ponder did in Minnesota and nobody is giving Tebow any credit. Ponder is surrounded by all those wepons. He threw for under 50% just like Tebow, yet they say Ponder is so great. But Tebow won! Ponder didn't. I don't understand why he gets no credit".
I am not over stating this. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A QB PLAY WORSE THAN TEBOW DID YESTERDAY. NEVER. If Tebow played like Spurgeon Wynn, they would have won that game by 14 points.
One could understand that view coming from Denver, but even at a bar in Minnesota, the Tebow comeback was greeted with a roar typically reserved for Vikings TDs. It would appear that a whole lot of people out there are on board, and there's nothing that irritates me more than the blind awarding of underserved credit.
I never hated Michael Phelps, just Phelps fans. Never hated LeBron James (well, never before The Decision at least), just hated the media for creating an endless two-year saga leading up to his impending free agency. Never even hated Brett Favre, just the godlike status afforded to him. But I am starting to hate Tim Tebow, because he's trending closer to Kim Kardashian than any of the athletes previously mentioned, making headlines more on the basis of his image than his ability.
Oh sure, there are accomplishments galore when it comes to football, but much of the Tebow admiration has nothing to do with the game he plays. That makes me uneasy, as the game is my only concern . I respect the guy's belief system, that's his business, and a personal thing. But I support separation of church and sport, and the best way I see to avoid more abortion ads during the Super Bowl is for Tim Tebow's career to flame out quickly and completely.
Do I recognize the silliness in what I just wrote, criticizing the upstanding citizen while a Vikings defensive back sits jailed on a domestic assault charge that includes the word "strangulation"? Of course I do. This is sports hate, we'll leave the true hate for real life.
But that's the point, this isn't real life, this is sports, so no cross-pollinating with the parts of life that actually matter. You keep hopping over the line Mr. Tebow, not to mention your supporters are really annoying, so here's hoping you're gone from the league very soon.
Nothing personal, nemesis.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Points to Ponder
Life has been conspiring lately to prevent me from posting much. I could take the advice of friends, and stop posting novels, trading length for frequency (hey now!), but when you get on a roll, it can be tough to shut up. Work and school, always distracting from the important things in life. In perhaps the best month on the sports calendar, I've posted the least, and that's unnaceptable.
Full slates off football and hockey, with the World Series to boot, anticipation of weekends like this is what sustains me through those long boring months known as summer. Although being stuck in a library will rob me of the opportunity to catch Nebraska's annihilation of the Gophers in person, the rest of the weekend has been kept wide open for sports viewing, it's time to rube it up.
So, what's happening around town?
O/U on combined opposing team points: 90
Combined spread: 60 1/2
Giving a Cornhusker bad directions that land him in Hudson: Priceless
Enjoy the weekend.
Full slates off football and hockey, with the World Series to boot, anticipation of weekends like this is what sustains me through those long boring months known as summer. Although being stuck in a library will rob me of the opportunity to catch Nebraska's annihilation of the Gophers in person, the rest of the weekend has been kept wide open for sports viewing, it's time to rube it up.
So, what's happening around town?
- Following last week's lament about my struggles picking football games, my sister, Rainwoman, promptly turned in a 5-8 week and allowed me to cut the deficit by 3 games. Trend or mirage? Fluke or example of regression to the mean? Is she hearing the footsteps? Is the pressure getting to her? I'd like to think so! Just had to bring it up, fan the flames of indecision a bit. (Are you sure that's the right pick? Positive? I wouldn't do that if I were you!) Psychological warfare at it's finest, pulling out all the stops
- I didn't write anything previewing the Wild this season, but like everyone else, I'm predicting them to be on the playoff bubble, hopefully creeping in. Failure to do so would mean the earliest chance Minnesota has to snap it's pro sports playoff drought would be the end of the next Twins season in October 2012. Two full years is a long f'n time to go without a playoff game when you have 4 pro teams. Unfortunately, the local squad hasn't exactly been taking the NHL by storm early in the season. Last night a goal with one second remaining was the only thing that prevented them from being shutout in Edmonton for the first time in 11 years. Getting new players to mesh takes time, but as we've figured out the past couple of years, slow starts can spell doom.
- According to many people around town, Gopher hockey is back, following a sweep of Duluth last weekend. I was on a roadtrip to my personal Mecca, Ralph Englestad Arena, so didn't see much of the games. It certainly looked impressive, and you can't blame their fans for being fired up; when you're starving, even a package of Saltines can pass for a gourmet meal. But can we keep it in check for the month of October? Believe me, you'll have plenty of time between the Gophers sweeping the Sioux in November and the Sioux sweeping the Gophers in January to razz me all you want, let's not go too overboard on one series. But I am happy for you...sort of.
- This town has doled out so much recent misery, it's once again time to ask our favorite question "Where is rock bottom?" Will it be here soon? Is it not going to arrive until the aforementioned two-year playoff drought comes to fruition? After that? About the only thing I can guarantee is that it is not today, because things are about to get a whole lot more ugly and embarrassing. Stretching hundreds of miles to both the south and east are convoys of opposing football fans poised to descend on our fair city. I'm calling it Football-O-Caust 2011 (had to add the year, due to the fact this may be an annual occurrence). One horde will be clad in red, the other in green 'n gold, both will be making a mockery of their opponent. Nebraska and Green Bay, welcome to town, bring money. The Mall of America is stocked up with designer overalls, bars across town have laid in a supply of PBR, we're ready to roll. Please take pity on our pathetic football teams, and if you see a glassy-eyed local with a look of despair, try not to pile on.
- Of course the big football story in town this week is the debut of Christian Ponder as the Vikings starting quarterback. Ho. Hum. As I wrote when he was drafted, I didn't think he was very good in college, don't think he'll be very good in the pros, and just generally am not a fan. Fortunately, I'm wrong a lot. So let's hope that's the case here and get on board with the Ponder Era, there's really not much else you can do at this point. It certainly can't be worse than the McNabb Era, and it will be refreshing to actually have a guy under 30 at the QB position following the recent string of greybeards. Just don't go all giddy when he leads a nice drive in garbage time to cut the lead to 30 this Sunday, keep it in perspective.
O/U on combined opposing team points: 90
Combined spread: 60 1/2
Giving a Cornhusker bad directions that land him in Hudson: Priceless
Enjoy the weekend.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Phoenix...we have a problem
In the past few days the Vikings won a game, the Lynx (non-sausage version) won the WNBA title, and the Wild kicked off what should be a promising season with a win. For at least a moment, things were looking up in the worst sports city in America. Unfortunately, there's no break from the losing on a personal level, as my football acumen is being made a mockery of on a weekly basis, and it's starting to get aggravating.
At the beginning of the NFL season, I set up an online group to do football picks with the immediate family. I'm talking against the spread here, none of that pansy garbage picking games straight up. If your knowledge doesn't translate to gambling, well then what did you really know? Nothing of any great value.
This was supposed to be a fun way to build camraderie amongst the fam, add a little spice to watching football in person on Thanksgiving and Christmas, typical stuff. It was also supposed to do one other thing, assert my dominance as the greatest football mind in gene pool. Objective #1 is going well. Objective #2? Not so much.
Current standings have me sitting 5th out of 6 participants; 2nd-4th is a 3-way tie, and only two games ahead of me at this point. None of that is a problem, as making up two games is easy enough to do. The problem isn't even that I'm 8 games out of 1st place, with the gap growing ever wider. The problem is that the current 1st place entry belongs to my sister, the only female in the group, and the person making me question everything I thought I knew about the NFL.
Now this isn't some sexist rant about how men should never be bested by women in sports endeavors. Every year I get beat by scores of women in Final Four pools, shrug my shoulders and move on with my life. It's a one-shot tourney, in which most people have never seen half the teams play, the height of randomness.
No, this rant is about being bested in a sport I follow religiously, read up on, dissect, re-watch old games and just generally waste too much of my life on. This is about statistical improbability. Everyone has their way of thinking about football gambling. When in doubt, maybe you favor AFC over NFC, look at teams traveling West to East, beware of the trap games and backdoor covers, whatever. My sister, or as she will henceforth be known, Rainwoman, use the time-honored tactic of picking based on who would win a fight between team mascots.
Scoff if you want, I did at first. It was hard not to chuckle at logic along the lines of "a falcon would never have a chance against an eagle, have you Wikipedia'ed them lately?" or "no way could some pirate tame a colt, I'd bet on the horse every time". We are now 5 weeks in, and after a blistering 11-2 performance to start pulling away from a pack that includes her brothers, fiancee and father, no one is chuckling.
Do you know how hard it is to go 11-2 against the spread?
F*cking hard my friend, we're talking calculus-level, let's leave it at that.
I picked the Bears on Monday night, Rainwoman picked the Lions.
My logic was that the Bears had their backs against the wall, couldn't afford to fall three games back in the division and could move the ball on a Lions defense that had looked suspect when going down 20 points the last couple of weeks.
Her logic was that a bear would have no chance in Africa, so a lion at home was a no-brainer. The simpicity of it is rather elegant, and of course, correct, but it had little to do with football. We may have a savant on our hands here folks, at this point I'm waiting for her to start wandering around muttering "Definitely lions, lions in hot weather, better than bears, have to watch Wapner, I'm an excellent driver."
(There are a couple of games that seem fishy though, how is a Buccaneer not going to beat a 49er? One is a swashbuckling hgih seas adventure type, the other an old guy in the hills panning for gold? And shouldn't inanimate objects like Jets always lose in this system? I mean sure they could bowl over a Patriot pretty easily, but how the heck would they get in motion in the first place? If the Seattle Pilots were still around, that I could give ya, but I'm claiming shenanigans if the Jets or Browns are picked from here on out)
I'm not going down without a fight, I'll tell you that much. Some way, some how, I will get back to the mountaintop of family football expertise. Traditionally, I've always been a closer, as the season wears on, I do my best work, and this year will be no different. Granted that will be difficult if the 11-2 records keep getting cranked out, but if they do, I have a contingency plan for that as well.
Christmas roadtrip to Vegas anyone?
At the beginning of the NFL season, I set up an online group to do football picks with the immediate family. I'm talking against the spread here, none of that pansy garbage picking games straight up. If your knowledge doesn't translate to gambling, well then what did you really know? Nothing of any great value.
This was supposed to be a fun way to build camraderie amongst the fam, add a little spice to watching football in person on Thanksgiving and Christmas, typical stuff. It was also supposed to do one other thing, assert my dominance as the greatest football mind in gene pool. Objective #1 is going well. Objective #2? Not so much.
Current standings have me sitting 5th out of 6 participants; 2nd-4th is a 3-way tie, and only two games ahead of me at this point. None of that is a problem, as making up two games is easy enough to do. The problem isn't even that I'm 8 games out of 1st place, with the gap growing ever wider. The problem is that the current 1st place entry belongs to my sister, the only female in the group, and the person making me question everything I thought I knew about the NFL.
Now this isn't some sexist rant about how men should never be bested by women in sports endeavors. Every year I get beat by scores of women in Final Four pools, shrug my shoulders and move on with my life. It's a one-shot tourney, in which most people have never seen half the teams play, the height of randomness.
No, this rant is about being bested in a sport I follow religiously, read up on, dissect, re-watch old games and just generally waste too much of my life on. This is about statistical improbability. Everyone has their way of thinking about football gambling. When in doubt, maybe you favor AFC over NFC, look at teams traveling West to East, beware of the trap games and backdoor covers, whatever. My sister, or as she will henceforth be known, Rainwoman, use the time-honored tactic of picking based on who would win a fight between team mascots.
Scoff if you want, I did at first. It was hard not to chuckle at logic along the lines of "a falcon would never have a chance against an eagle, have you Wikipedia'ed them lately?" or "no way could some pirate tame a colt, I'd bet on the horse every time". We are now 5 weeks in, and after a blistering 11-2 performance to start pulling away from a pack that includes her brothers, fiancee and father, no one is chuckling.
Do you know how hard it is to go 11-2 against the spread?
F*cking hard my friend, we're talking calculus-level, let's leave it at that.
I picked the Bears on Monday night, Rainwoman picked the Lions.
My logic was that the Bears had their backs against the wall, couldn't afford to fall three games back in the division and could move the ball on a Lions defense that had looked suspect when going down 20 points the last couple of weeks.
Her logic was that a bear would have no chance in Africa, so a lion at home was a no-brainer. The simpicity of it is rather elegant, and of course, correct, but it had little to do with football. We may have a savant on our hands here folks, at this point I'm waiting for her to start wandering around muttering "Definitely lions, lions in hot weather, better than bears, have to watch Wapner, I'm an excellent driver."
(There are a couple of games that seem fishy though, how is a Buccaneer not going to beat a 49er? One is a swashbuckling hgih seas adventure type, the other an old guy in the hills panning for gold? And shouldn't inanimate objects like Jets always lose in this system? I mean sure they could bowl over a Patriot pretty easily, but how the heck would they get in motion in the first place? If the Seattle Pilots were still around, that I could give ya, but I'm claiming shenanigans if the Jets or Browns are picked from here on out)
I'm not going down without a fight, I'll tell you that much. Some way, some how, I will get back to the mountaintop of family football expertise. Traditionally, I've always been a closer, as the season wears on, I do my best work, and this year will be no different. Granted that will be difficult if the 11-2 records keep getting cranked out, but if they do, I have a contingency plan for that as well.
Christmas roadtrip to Vegas anyone?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tis the season: 2011 WCHA Preview
"There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who follow college hockey, and the uninteresting ones" - The Mayor
Yikes. Had to take a couple of days to collect myself, even I have limits to the abuse I can take, and things keep getting worse.
Let's not even talk about the state of the football teams, let's just do what we do best, and turn the page.
No word on 0-4, no mention of 58-0, just pretend it didn't happen and start rooting for blackouts so there will actually be good games on TV.
As far as I'm concerned, it's officially hockey season.
While it's true we're 50% of the way through the best two months on the calendar, the good news is that the second half is the better one. The fall season is like a poorly-poured glass of beer, the first part can be a little frothy, but after a few sips you're past it, enjoying nothing but pure refreshment. That's where things stand at the moment, with the tastiest bit on tap.
The next few weeks is sports nirvana, two kinds of football in full swing, baseball playoffs ongoing, and pucks dropping from coast to coast. Be still my heart.
For a lot of people, hockey is just a strange game played on ice, but for those of us who live in it's mecca, it's tough not to be biased in favor of the game. It's one of only three reasons, along with "The air smells really clean" and "I don't feel guilty for not leaving the house on a Sunday" that make it tolerable to live here in the winter. You can watch guys who are going to get drafted in the NHL at high school games for $5, that's pretty cool. Lots of places have the pro game, but we have it all, and it's pretty damn sweet.
With that in mind, we're going further down the rabbit hole of the inconsequential today, to the only sport I love more than the NFL, that wonderful game called college hockey.
This is a niche of a niche we're talking about here. Take a poll of random strangers in all but about 3 states and maybe only 1 in 1,000 has spent a moment watching college hockey in their life. But if everything that was popular was good, and vice versa, I'd still be listening to the radio, watching network TV and eating at Hardees. Alas, none of those is the case.
This game is everything you used to love about sports. Affordable tickets, passionate fans, roadtrips, rivalries; things that the big-time games co-opted in favor of profits long ago. As I noted in discussing favorite roadtrips last year, the buildings are iconic, names that stir memories and passion among every fan: Stub & Herb's, Grandma's, State St. Brats, Blue Bricks, Eagle St, The Red Carpet, Parrot's Cay, The Bank, Tav on the Ave, Sally's, MC's, The 209, Whitey's.
And those are just the bars, the arenas are even better.
The puck dropped in exhibition games last weekend, with regular season games commencing Friday. It's time for the fall routine to hit it's stride: Hockey, rake leaves, football, hockey, football. Repeat. There are only two seasons left in the history of the greatest hockey league on the planet, so let's make them count.
Without further ado, one man's thoughts on the 2011 Western Collegiate Hockey Association.
1. Denver Pioneers
2010-2011: 25-12-5 Overall, 17-8-3 WCHA (2nd place), lost in Final Five Championship, lost in NCAA 2nd Rd
Key Losses: F Anthony Maiani, F Kyle Ostrow, D Matt Donovan
Key Returners: G Sam Brittain, F Jason Zucker, F Drew Shore
The only thing preventing this team from being a runaway favorite is the fact that their returning goaltender tore his ACL in the offseason, and will be out through at least Christmas. Makes no difference in my mind, they're loaded, and goalies are notoriously unpredictable. Lately it seems like every team who thinks they have the position set coming into the season has been proven wrong, and another guy ends up getting the majority of the duty.
Alex Kangas was the answer in Minnesota two seasons ago, then he lost his edge and was replaced by Kent Patterson, who's been even better. Brad Eidsness was a fixture in net for two seasons at North Dakota before giving way to Aaron Dell last year; all Dell was able to do was win Goaltender of the Year. So while the past performance of presumed starter Adam Murray is spotty, and the defensive depth may not be great, I'll trust the league's best set of forwards to carry the load until things solidify in net.
2. Colorado College Tigers
2010-2011: 23-19-3 Overall, 13-13-2 WCHA (6th place), lost in NCAA 2nd Rd
Key Losses: F Stephen Schultz
Key Returners: G Joe Howe, F Jaden Schwartz, F Rylan Schwartz, D Gabe Guentzel
As Exhibit A of the theory just stated, consider junior goalie Joe Howe.
Howe did a solid job last season (2.94 GAA, .903 Save %), but had a tendency to get shelled against tougher opponents (5+ goals against in 6 games). Given the depth and experience CC brings into the season, including likely Player of the Year Jaden Schwartz, Howe trending closer to his freshman season could put them over the top.
As it is though, these guys choke a lot. We're not talking on the levels of St. Cloud, but expecting a CC team to win big games is like hoping for an open bar at a Mormon wedding. Get ready to be disappointed.
3. North Dakota Fighting Sioux
2010-2011: 32-9-3 Overall, 21-6-1 WCHA (1st place), Final Five Champions, lost in NCAA Semifinal
Key Losses: F Matt Frattin, F Brad Malone, F Evan Trupp, F Jason Gregoire, D Chay Genoway, F Brett Hextall
Key Returners: F Danny Kristo, F Corban Knight, D Ben Blood, G Aaron Dell, G Brad Eidsness
My favorite college hockey team had a season to remember a year ago; unfortunately the ending was quite forgettable. The #1 team in the country for most of the season, the Sioux once again game up short in the Frozen Four, leaving a black mark on an otherwise excellent campaign. I blame myself, frankly, at this point in life I should know better than to go within 10 miles of any big game one of my teams is playing in. Thought the X was safe after the last couple Final Fives, unfortunately I was wrong.
So now, after losing 6 of their top 7 scorers to graduation, a reloaded North Dakota team comes into this season with questions about who will provide the scoring punch. The national polls have them ranked in the Top 5, which I hope is the case once the calendar turns. As it is right now, can't see how the freshmen are going to produce quickly enough to justify a ranking that high so early in the season.
Instead of last year's wire-to-wire dominance, this year's squad will be more typical of Sioux teams, with a mediocre first half giving way to a red-hot run after Christmas. The freshman class may be talented, but most freshmen struggle out of the gate. No doubt the slow start will cost them a few points at Mariucci in early November, sending Gopher fans into a frenzy. All I ask is that you folks keep it in check until we see what happens in January, we've all seen this movie before and know how it ends.
4. Minnesota Golden Gophers
2010-2011: 16-14-6 Overall, 13-10-5 WCHA (5th place), lost to UAA in WCHA 1st round
Key Losses: F Mike Hoeffel, F Jacob Cepis, F Jay Barriball, D Cade Fairchild, D Aaron Ness, G Alex Kangas
Key Returners: G Kent Patterson, F Nick Bjugstad, F Zach Budish
Not sure if it's general fear and loathing, all the news picked up about the team or a past history of being conditioned to expect solid play, but I always seem to overrate the Gophers these days. Most of it has to do with the assumption that all the talent has gotta translate into wins at some point. Right? Been wrong twice now, but they did play the tough teams well last year, just need some consistency.
The Gophers were .500 or better against Denver, Duluth, North Dakota and Wisconsin last year, throwing in a 3-1 non-conference win over Michigan to boot. That's 3 of 4 Frozen Four participants that they either bested or fought to a draw. A few of those wins were even of the dominant variety. Unfortunately for Minnesota fans, the other side of the coin was downright scary. Swept by Mankato(!), winless in the Christmas Cupcake tourney, swept at home by Anchorage in the playoffs.
So which team will show up this year? I think it has a chance to be the good version. Inconsistency in a trademark of inexperience, which the Gophers had a lot of last year. Now with a more experienced squad, key players coming back from injury and everyone's favorite scapegoat assistant coach gone, this could be the year they restore the program to it's prior high standard.
But as I've said, been wrong about that before...
5. Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs
2010-2011: 26-10-6 Overall, 15-8-5 WCHA (4th place), NCAA Champions
Key Losses: F Justin Fontaine, F Mike Connolly, D Justin Faulk
Key Returners: F Jack Connolly, F Travis Oleksuk, F J.T. Brown
Welcome to the big time Duluth! Congrats on your first NCAA title, now say goodbye to half of your roster.
There are certainly no Bulldog fans out there who would change a thing about last season's run to the championship, but there might be a few who are feeling slapped upside the head by the realities of getting top-tier players. Last season's team saw 4 of it's best 5 players depart, with only one being due to graduation. The cupboard's hardly bare, but the nation's best line and most electric power play will likely be distant memories. The team will have to adjust accordingly.
Throw some early departures on the blue line, and it's tough to see Duluth challenging for the league title. But then again, if goaltending falters, plenty of teams could be in the mix from 3rd-7th.
6. Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks
2010-2011: 21-16-2 Overall, 17-9-2 WCHA (3rd place), lost in NCAA 1st rd
Key Losses: F Joey Martin, F Matt Ambroz, F Rich Purslow, D Eric Olimb
Key Returners: G John Faulkner, F Alex Hudson, F Terry Broadhurst, F Matt White, F Ryan Walters, F Brock Montpetit
This team was much better than I expected them to be during their first WCHA season. Having watched Dean Blais get the maximum possible from every team I've seen him coach should've been a giveaway.
So am I falling into the same trap by putting them in 6th? Maybe, but I just couldn't justify anything higher. It certainly feels like a season of parity, and a small miss on points could lead to a big whiff on finish. But sometimes you've gotta try to be a hero, and this is one of those times.
Any finish that doesn't involve a playoff matchup with Bemidji is a good finish.
7. St. Cloud State Huskies
2010-2011: 15-18-5 Overall, 11-13-4 WCHA (9th place), lost to UMD in WCHA 1st round
Key Losses: F Garrett Roe, F Aaron Marvin
Key Returners: G Mike Lee, F Ben Hanowski, F Drew LeBlanc
There were times last season when you couldn't tell these Huskies from the league's other version, and that's not good for St. Cloud. A team that had high expectations finished with a losing record, then lost it's highest profile scorer to graduation. Not a great run.
But to paraphrase the great John McKay, bringing back a bunch of guys from a losing team is overrated. If they were really that great, the team would've won more. St. Cloud has some good players, but most have yet to put it together, so they're at the low end of the high side.
I also have no idea if Mike Lee is good, have watched him play 30 games now and can't tell. Among the enigma that is goaltenders, he is a riddle wrapped inside that enigma, and encased in one of those injection-molded plastic deals they seal headphones in.
8.Bemidji State Beavers
2010-2011: 15-18-5 Overall, 8-15-5 WCHA (10th place), beat UNO in first round of WCHA playoffs, lost to DEN in second round of Final Five
Key Losses: F Matt Read, F Ian Lowe
Key Returners: F Jordan George, D Brad Hunt, G Dan Bakala
All hail the mighty Beav. Aside from my own team, there's none I'd have an easier time throwing my support behind than the noble Beav. I can picture it now, throngs of people walking down West 7th, wearing "You Can't Lick Our Beavers!" t-shirts. It would be magical.
But alas, no name on the list of losses looms larger than Matt Read. While it's debatable that he was the best player in the group, there's no debate he meant the most to his team. Here's hoping Dan Bakala gives me cause to misspell his name a few times this season. It's visually deceiving, like Sparano.
9. Wisconsin Badgers
2010-2011 WCHA Finish: 21-16-4 Overall, 12-13-3 WCHA (7th place), lost to CC in WCHA 1st round
Key Losses: D Jake Gardiner, F Craig Smith, G Scott Gudmandson, G Brett Bennett, F Jordy Murray
Key Returners: D Justin Schultz
Cupboard = Bare. Good thing all they care about come March is the hoops team.
But knowing how things work in this universe, the Badgers will miraculously pull an amazing season out of thin air. Just by being from Wisconsin.
Let's move on.
10.Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves
2010-2011: 16-18-3 Overall, 12-14-2 WCHA (8th place), beat UMN in WCHA first round, lost to CC in first round of Final Five
Key Losses: F Tommy Grant, F Craig Parkinson
Key Returners: G Chris Kamal
Tommy Grant, we hardly knew ye.
Another perennial bottom-feeder, Anchorage looked to have some things moving in the right direction last season. Unfortunately, they enter this one without their best (only?) offensive threat in Grant, only two players who tallied double-digit goals (both at 10) and no 30-point scorers. Unless goaltender Kamal can turn into an unholy combination of Dominek Hasek, Patrick Roy and a brick wall, this could be a long season.
11. Minnesota State-Mankato Mavericks
2010-2011: 14-18-6 Overall, 8-16-4 (11th place), lost to DEN in WCHA first round
Key Losses: D Kurt Davis, D Ben Youds
Key Returners: F Michael Dorr
Sentimental favorite, if only teams got points for the drinking scene around their arena.
Problem #1: Their best offensive player last season was a defenseman.
Problem #2: Said defenseman is no longer on the team.
Problem #3: They're not that good in any other phase of the game either.
And that about covers it.
12.Michigan Tech Huskies
2010-2011 WCHA Finish: 4-30-4 Overall, 2-24-2 WCHA (12th place), lost to UND in WCHA first round
Key Losses: D Deron Cousens
Key Returners: F Milos Gordic, F Ryan Furne
I'm not so sure the word "key" should be used in connection with anyone on this team, there's a better chance Hank Williams Jr. gets invited to a White House dinner than there is the Huskies finish .500.
But they've got a new coach, so they've got that going for them, which is nice...
Drop the puck!!!
Yikes. Had to take a couple of days to collect myself, even I have limits to the abuse I can take, and things keep getting worse.
Let's not even talk about the state of the football teams, let's just do what we do best, and turn the page.
No word on 0-4, no mention of 58-0, just pretend it didn't happen and start rooting for blackouts so there will actually be good games on TV.
As far as I'm concerned, it's officially hockey season.
While it's true we're 50% of the way through the best two months on the calendar, the good news is that the second half is the better one. The fall season is like a poorly-poured glass of beer, the first part can be a little frothy, but after a few sips you're past it, enjoying nothing but pure refreshment. That's where things stand at the moment, with the tastiest bit on tap.
The next few weeks is sports nirvana, two kinds of football in full swing, baseball playoffs ongoing, and pucks dropping from coast to coast. Be still my heart.
For a lot of people, hockey is just a strange game played on ice, but for those of us who live in it's mecca, it's tough not to be biased in favor of the game. It's one of only three reasons, along with "The air smells really clean" and "I don't feel guilty for not leaving the house on a Sunday" that make it tolerable to live here in the winter. You can watch guys who are going to get drafted in the NHL at high school games for $5, that's pretty cool. Lots of places have the pro game, but we have it all, and it's pretty damn sweet.
With that in mind, we're going further down the rabbit hole of the inconsequential today, to the only sport I love more than the NFL, that wonderful game called college hockey.
This is a niche of a niche we're talking about here. Take a poll of random strangers in all but about 3 states and maybe only 1 in 1,000 has spent a moment watching college hockey in their life. But if everything that was popular was good, and vice versa, I'd still be listening to the radio, watching network TV and eating at Hardees. Alas, none of those is the case.
This game is everything you used to love about sports. Affordable tickets, passionate fans, roadtrips, rivalries; things that the big-time games co-opted in favor of profits long ago. As I noted in discussing favorite roadtrips last year, the buildings are iconic, names that stir memories and passion among every fan: Stub & Herb's, Grandma's, State St. Brats, Blue Bricks, Eagle St, The Red Carpet, Parrot's Cay, The Bank, Tav on the Ave, Sally's, MC's, The 209, Whitey's.
And those are just the bars, the arenas are even better.
The puck dropped in exhibition games last weekend, with regular season games commencing Friday. It's time for the fall routine to hit it's stride: Hockey, rake leaves, football, hockey, football. Repeat. There are only two seasons left in the history of the greatest hockey league on the planet, so let's make them count.
Without further ado, one man's thoughts on the 2011 Western Collegiate Hockey Association.
1. Denver Pioneers
2010-2011: 25-12-5 Overall, 17-8-3 WCHA (2nd place), lost in Final Five Championship, lost in NCAA 2nd Rd
Key Losses: F Anthony Maiani, F Kyle Ostrow, D Matt Donovan
Key Returners: G Sam Brittain, F Jason Zucker, F Drew Shore
The only thing preventing this team from being a runaway favorite is the fact that their returning goaltender tore his ACL in the offseason, and will be out through at least Christmas. Makes no difference in my mind, they're loaded, and goalies are notoriously unpredictable. Lately it seems like every team who thinks they have the position set coming into the season has been proven wrong, and another guy ends up getting the majority of the duty.
Alex Kangas was the answer in Minnesota two seasons ago, then he lost his edge and was replaced by Kent Patterson, who's been even better. Brad Eidsness was a fixture in net for two seasons at North Dakota before giving way to Aaron Dell last year; all Dell was able to do was win Goaltender of the Year. So while the past performance of presumed starter Adam Murray is spotty, and the defensive depth may not be great, I'll trust the league's best set of forwards to carry the load until things solidify in net.
2. Colorado College Tigers
2010-2011: 23-19-3 Overall, 13-13-2 WCHA (6th place), lost in NCAA 2nd Rd
Key Losses: F Stephen Schultz
Key Returners: G Joe Howe, F Jaden Schwartz, F Rylan Schwartz, D Gabe Guentzel
As Exhibit A of the theory just stated, consider junior goalie Joe Howe.
Howe did a solid job last season (2.94 GAA, .903 Save %), but had a tendency to get shelled against tougher opponents (5+ goals against in 6 games). Given the depth and experience CC brings into the season, including likely Player of the Year Jaden Schwartz, Howe trending closer to his freshman season could put them over the top.
As it is though, these guys choke a lot. We're not talking on the levels of St. Cloud, but expecting a CC team to win big games is like hoping for an open bar at a Mormon wedding. Get ready to be disappointed.
3. North Dakota Fighting Sioux
2010-2011: 32-9-3 Overall, 21-6-1 WCHA (1st place), Final Five Champions, lost in NCAA Semifinal
Key Losses: F Matt Frattin, F Brad Malone, F Evan Trupp, F Jason Gregoire, D Chay Genoway, F Brett Hextall
Key Returners: F Danny Kristo, F Corban Knight, D Ben Blood, G Aaron Dell, G Brad Eidsness
My favorite college hockey team had a season to remember a year ago; unfortunately the ending was quite forgettable. The #1 team in the country for most of the season, the Sioux once again game up short in the Frozen Four, leaving a black mark on an otherwise excellent campaign. I blame myself, frankly, at this point in life I should know better than to go within 10 miles of any big game one of my teams is playing in. Thought the X was safe after the last couple Final Fives, unfortunately I was wrong.
So now, after losing 6 of their top 7 scorers to graduation, a reloaded North Dakota team comes into this season with questions about who will provide the scoring punch. The national polls have them ranked in the Top 5, which I hope is the case once the calendar turns. As it is right now, can't see how the freshmen are going to produce quickly enough to justify a ranking that high so early in the season.
Instead of last year's wire-to-wire dominance, this year's squad will be more typical of Sioux teams, with a mediocre first half giving way to a red-hot run after Christmas. The freshman class may be talented, but most freshmen struggle out of the gate. No doubt the slow start will cost them a few points at Mariucci in early November, sending Gopher fans into a frenzy. All I ask is that you folks keep it in check until we see what happens in January, we've all seen this movie before and know how it ends.
4. Minnesota Golden Gophers
2010-2011: 16-14-6 Overall, 13-10-5 WCHA (5th place), lost to UAA in WCHA 1st round
Key Losses: F Mike Hoeffel, F Jacob Cepis, F Jay Barriball, D Cade Fairchild, D Aaron Ness, G Alex Kangas
Key Returners: G Kent Patterson, F Nick Bjugstad, F Zach Budish
Not sure if it's general fear and loathing, all the news picked up about the team or a past history of being conditioned to expect solid play, but I always seem to overrate the Gophers these days. Most of it has to do with the assumption that all the talent has gotta translate into wins at some point. Right? Been wrong twice now, but they did play the tough teams well last year, just need some consistency.
The Gophers were .500 or better against Denver, Duluth, North Dakota and Wisconsin last year, throwing in a 3-1 non-conference win over Michigan to boot. That's 3 of 4 Frozen Four participants that they either bested or fought to a draw. A few of those wins were even of the dominant variety. Unfortunately for Minnesota fans, the other side of the coin was downright scary. Swept by Mankato(!), winless in the Christmas Cupcake tourney, swept at home by Anchorage in the playoffs.
So which team will show up this year? I think it has a chance to be the good version. Inconsistency in a trademark of inexperience, which the Gophers had a lot of last year. Now with a more experienced squad, key players coming back from injury and everyone's favorite scapegoat assistant coach gone, this could be the year they restore the program to it's prior high standard.
But as I've said, been wrong about that before...
5. Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs
2010-2011: 26-10-6 Overall, 15-8-5 WCHA (4th place), NCAA Champions
Key Losses: F Justin Fontaine, F Mike Connolly, D Justin Faulk
Key Returners: F Jack Connolly, F Travis Oleksuk, F J.T. Brown
Welcome to the big time Duluth! Congrats on your first NCAA title, now say goodbye to half of your roster.
There are certainly no Bulldog fans out there who would change a thing about last season's run to the championship, but there might be a few who are feeling slapped upside the head by the realities of getting top-tier players. Last season's team saw 4 of it's best 5 players depart, with only one being due to graduation. The cupboard's hardly bare, but the nation's best line and most electric power play will likely be distant memories. The team will have to adjust accordingly.
Throw some early departures on the blue line, and it's tough to see Duluth challenging for the league title. But then again, if goaltending falters, plenty of teams could be in the mix from 3rd-7th.
6. Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks
2010-2011: 21-16-2 Overall, 17-9-2 WCHA (3rd place), lost in NCAA 1st rd
Key Losses: F Joey Martin, F Matt Ambroz, F Rich Purslow, D Eric Olimb
Key Returners: G John Faulkner, F Alex Hudson, F Terry Broadhurst, F Matt White, F Ryan Walters, F Brock Montpetit
This team was much better than I expected them to be during their first WCHA season. Having watched Dean Blais get the maximum possible from every team I've seen him coach should've been a giveaway.
So am I falling into the same trap by putting them in 6th? Maybe, but I just couldn't justify anything higher. It certainly feels like a season of parity, and a small miss on points could lead to a big whiff on finish. But sometimes you've gotta try to be a hero, and this is one of those times.
Any finish that doesn't involve a playoff matchup with Bemidji is a good finish.
7. St. Cloud State Huskies
2010-2011: 15-18-5 Overall, 11-13-4 WCHA (9th place), lost to UMD in WCHA 1st round
Key Losses: F Garrett Roe, F Aaron Marvin
Key Returners: G Mike Lee, F Ben Hanowski, F Drew LeBlanc
There were times last season when you couldn't tell these Huskies from the league's other version, and that's not good for St. Cloud. A team that had high expectations finished with a losing record, then lost it's highest profile scorer to graduation. Not a great run.
But to paraphrase the great John McKay, bringing back a bunch of guys from a losing team is overrated. If they were really that great, the team would've won more. St. Cloud has some good players, but most have yet to put it together, so they're at the low end of the high side.
I also have no idea if Mike Lee is good, have watched him play 30 games now and can't tell. Among the enigma that is goaltenders, he is a riddle wrapped inside that enigma, and encased in one of those injection-molded plastic deals they seal headphones in.
8.Bemidji State Beavers
2010-2011: 15-18-5 Overall, 8-15-5 WCHA (10th place), beat UNO in first round of WCHA playoffs, lost to DEN in second round of Final Five
Key Losses: F Matt Read, F Ian Lowe
Key Returners: F Jordan George, D Brad Hunt, G Dan Bakala
All hail the mighty Beav. Aside from my own team, there's none I'd have an easier time throwing my support behind than the noble Beav. I can picture it now, throngs of people walking down West 7th, wearing "You Can't Lick Our Beavers!" t-shirts. It would be magical.
But alas, no name on the list of losses looms larger than Matt Read. While it's debatable that he was the best player in the group, there's no debate he meant the most to his team. Here's hoping Dan Bakala gives me cause to misspell his name a few times this season. It's visually deceiving, like Sparano.
9. Wisconsin Badgers
2010-2011 WCHA Finish: 21-16-4 Overall, 12-13-3 WCHA (7th place), lost to CC in WCHA 1st round
Key Losses: D Jake Gardiner, F Craig Smith, G Scott Gudmandson, G Brett Bennett, F Jordy Murray
Key Returners: D Justin Schultz
Cupboard = Bare. Good thing all they care about come March is the hoops team.
But knowing how things work in this universe, the Badgers will miraculously pull an amazing season out of thin air. Just by being from Wisconsin.
Let's move on.
10.Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves
2010-2011: 16-18-3 Overall, 12-14-2 WCHA (8th place), beat UMN in WCHA first round, lost to CC in first round of Final Five
Key Losses: F Tommy Grant, F Craig Parkinson
Key Returners: G Chris Kamal
Tommy Grant, we hardly knew ye.
Another perennial bottom-feeder, Anchorage looked to have some things moving in the right direction last season. Unfortunately, they enter this one without their best (only?) offensive threat in Grant, only two players who tallied double-digit goals (both at 10) and no 30-point scorers. Unless goaltender Kamal can turn into an unholy combination of Dominek Hasek, Patrick Roy and a brick wall, this could be a long season.
11. Minnesota State-Mankato Mavericks
2010-2011: 14-18-6 Overall, 8-16-4 (11th place), lost to DEN in WCHA first round
Key Losses: D Kurt Davis, D Ben Youds
Key Returners: F Michael Dorr
Sentimental favorite, if only teams got points for the drinking scene around their arena.
Problem #1: Their best offensive player last season was a defenseman.
Problem #2: Said defenseman is no longer on the team.
Problem #3: They're not that good in any other phase of the game either.
And that about covers it.
12.Michigan Tech Huskies
2010-2011 WCHA Finish: 4-30-4 Overall, 2-24-2 WCHA (12th place), lost to UND in WCHA first round
Key Losses: D Deron Cousens
Key Returners: F Milos Gordic, F Ryan Furne
I'm not so sure the word "key" should be used in connection with anyone on this team, there's a better chance Hank Williams Jr. gets invited to a White House dinner than there is the Huskies finish .500.
But they've got a new coach, so they've got that going for them, which is nice...
Drop the puck!!!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Over the line
Sometimes my mind wanders off to thinking about appropriate over/unders for certain random events. This has been one of those times.
O/U Vikings 1st half points: 20 1/2
O/V Vikings 2nd half points: 2 1/2Seems about right.
O/U Ounces of beer the average Vikings fan is going to need to consume after they fulfill their destiny and lose 24-21 this Sunday: 74 1/2
Enjoy the statistical improbability of it all!
O/U Shots it takes before you can get excited about watching an NFC West game: 5 1/2
East Coast games start at 10 AM, might want to find a nice breakfast wine or something.
O/U Hours it will take the citizenry of Boston to drink the city dry of Jameson if the Red Sox complete their epic collapse tonight: 24 1/2
Not a big Red Sox guy, but can't root for the Rays (and their 200 fans) to make the playoffs. It's bad enough looking at Yankee fans while watching games in New York, now we have to see them in Tampa too?
O/U Different songs played on the radio during an average day: 9 1/2
It's just Adele, U2, Nickelback and that lady who plays the piano and sounds pissed at whoever she's talking to. Over. And over. And over.
O/U Minutes that Steve Bartman doc on ESPN dragged on too long: 37 1/2
With apologies to Cub fans, we need 2 hours on that story? Guy reaches over rail, effs up play, shortstop then botches easy double play ball on the next batter, miraculous escapes judgement, the end. I know there's more to it historically than all that, but the mysticism doesn't go that deep.
They had me until the Unitarian minister showed up...
O/U How many roads the state of Minnesota/city of Minneapolis/other assorted government units are going to destroy in their quest to make it impossible to get anywhere: No line
Seven Corners now has 27 corners. There are major freeways that just stop abruptly in the south metro. Washington & Oak has become W________n & O_k. Gotta be done, but shouldn't there be a law limiting how many projects can be left to rot over a single winter? Because there's going to be a LOT. Wasn't the stimulus money that prompted all this supposed to improve things, not create another pain in the ass? For your next trick, how about taking a part of the city and removing all vehicle access to it? Just create an island that only accepts foot traffic and we'll airdrop supplies.
Actually that might be kind of sweet. If you could no longer drive to work, they'd either have to let you work from home or arrange helicopter transportation, right? Seems logical.
Then again, with no regular police patrols, it would eventually turn lawless and be ruled by criminal gangs, as a number of films have shown us. Count me out.
O/U Days after the upcoming NBA season (whenever that ends up being) that David Kahn will be relieved of his GM duties by the Timberwolves: 2 1/2
In the grand tradition of a last meal before an execution, he'll get to pick the Wednesday lunch spot.
O/U Retirement age if the stock market doesn't quit with the"Grapes of Wrath" routine: 74 1/2
Hopefully terminal disease will intervene before it comes to that, I say put off quitting smoking for awhile.
O/U Total yards for Denard Robinson vs. Minnesota this weekend: 500
Huge number, right? Turns out not so much. Robinson put up 446 against Notre Dame a few weeks ago, 502 against the Irish last year and 494 against Indiana. The Gopher defense is as bad as any that have ever taken the field.
I'm starting to think maybe this should be higher...
O/U Times I use the word 'penultimate' in Friday's WCHA preview: 12
Take the over...
O/U Vikings 1st half points: 20 1/2
O/V Vikings 2nd half points: 2 1/2Seems about right.
O/U Ounces of beer the average Vikings fan is going to need to consume after they fulfill their destiny and lose 24-21 this Sunday: 74 1/2
Enjoy the statistical improbability of it all!
O/U Shots it takes before you can get excited about watching an NFC West game: 5 1/2
East Coast games start at 10 AM, might want to find a nice breakfast wine or something.
O/U Hours it will take the citizenry of Boston to drink the city dry of Jameson if the Red Sox complete their epic collapse tonight: 24 1/2
Not a big Red Sox guy, but can't root for the Rays (and their 200 fans) to make the playoffs. It's bad enough looking at Yankee fans while watching games in New York, now we have to see them in Tampa too?
O/U Different songs played on the radio during an average day: 9 1/2
It's just Adele, U2, Nickelback and that lady who plays the piano and sounds pissed at whoever she's talking to. Over. And over. And over.
O/U Minutes that Steve Bartman doc on ESPN dragged on too long: 37 1/2
With apologies to Cub fans, we need 2 hours on that story? Guy reaches over rail, effs up play, shortstop then botches easy double play ball on the next batter, miraculous escapes judgement, the end. I know there's more to it historically than all that, but the mysticism doesn't go that deep.
They had me until the Unitarian minister showed up...
O/U How many roads the state of Minnesota/city of Minneapolis/other assorted government units are going to destroy in their quest to make it impossible to get anywhere: No line
Seven Corners now has 27 corners. There are major freeways that just stop abruptly in the south metro. Washington & Oak has become W________n & O_k. Gotta be done, but shouldn't there be a law limiting how many projects can be left to rot over a single winter? Because there's going to be a LOT. Wasn't the stimulus money that prompted all this supposed to improve things, not create another pain in the ass? For your next trick, how about taking a part of the city and removing all vehicle access to it? Just create an island that only accepts foot traffic and we'll airdrop supplies.
Actually that might be kind of sweet. If you could no longer drive to work, they'd either have to let you work from home or arrange helicopter transportation, right? Seems logical.
Then again, with no regular police patrols, it would eventually turn lawless and be ruled by criminal gangs, as a number of films have shown us. Count me out.
O/U Days after the upcoming NBA season (whenever that ends up being) that David Kahn will be relieved of his GM duties by the Timberwolves: 2 1/2
In the grand tradition of a last meal before an execution, he'll get to pick the Wednesday lunch spot.
O/U Retirement age if the stock market doesn't quit with the"Grapes of Wrath" routine: 74 1/2
Hopefully terminal disease will intervene before it comes to that, I say put off quitting smoking for awhile.
O/U Total yards for Denard Robinson vs. Minnesota this weekend: 500
Huge number, right? Turns out not so much. Robinson put up 446 against Notre Dame a few weeks ago, 502 against the Irish last year and 494 against Indiana. The Gopher defense is as bad as any that have ever taken the field.
I'm starting to think maybe this should be higher...
O/U Times I use the word 'penultimate' in Friday's WCHA preview: 12
Take the over...
Monday, September 26, 2011
If you're not laughing, you're crying
This is getting comical.
Or sad, depending on how you want to look at things.
Despite my reputation for hard-bitten negativity, there’s not much you can do but laugh about the state of sports in this burg. With the Twins limping their way to the finish line of a 100-loss season and the Gophers getting throttled at home by another “lesser” opponent, it was once again the Vikings who put an emphatic stamp on a weekend in Loserville.
Shakespeare authored both comedies and tragedies, much like the Minnesota Vikings have throughout their history. The tragedies come in big games, when you stupidly start to believe that success is attainable. They rip your guts out and sting for days. The comedies happen in games like yesterday’s, when the team does something so inexplicable, all you can do is throw your hands up and laugh. Heck, that game didn’t even crack the top 100 Vikings disappointments of my lifetime, and was a distant 2nd on the 2011 list behind drafting Christian Ponder.
Reading through the game story, laughter really is the only appropriate reaction. Double-digit halftime leads in every game? Have only trailed a combined 6:51 all season? These are the stats that amount to 0-3? I was convinced that we were in for a fairly pedestrian season, so far it has been anything but. A small part of me hoped they would hold on and beat the Lions, but it was overruled by the fascination of watching the debacle unfold. Having a good team is obviously the most fun thing in sports, but having a historically bad team? Well that’s a close second!
Hanging out at the bar yesterday, the 20-point lead did little to soothe the nerves of the crowd. After watching the first two games, who could blame them? At our table, you could've offered 5-to-1 odds, asked for no points and been turned down without hesitation. Angst turned to dread on the first Detroit TD 6 minutes into the second half, and by the time they cut the Vikings lead to 3 on the first play of the 4th quarter, even the biggest Purple homer out there had to know it was over. The whole thing was like watching a glass roll off a counter in slow motion, you see it coming, but just can’t get there in time. Everything is serene and lovely on the way down, then comes the floor, and it’s smashed into smithereens.
People are calling for the coach’s head, which can’t happen, and shouldn’t. They’re calling for the rookie QB, which might happen, but probably shouldn’t until a home game against a marginal opponent (Week 5 vs. Arizona?). You have to tip your cap to this particular Vikings team, because there were very few ways they could’ve stirred up such a hornet’s nest so quickly. The new coach had some of the honeymoon period left over from last season, expectations weren’t too high, the early schedule was tough; basically the only way to piss so many people off so fast was blowing big leads in winnable games. It really is impressive, in a twisted sort of way.
Now it’s on to Kansas City and, at least as far as this fan is concerned, hoping they find new ways to up the ante. Could they lose 4 double-digit leads in a row? Is the number going to continue getting higher? Will we be discussing a 27-24 Chiefs victory this time next week, further cementing the 2011 Vikings spot in the Hall of Shame? Hope so, because that’s the sort of thing that gets people’s attention. It’s better to spontaneously combust into a towering inferno of failure than it is to fade away, at least that’s what the song said.
If you want to look for a silver lining (I know what you're thinking, but no, I’m not going to talk about the Lynx, not now, not ever. Their existence already compromised one of the TVs in my favorite football watering hole, totally reversing the good will I was feeling after convincing a bartender last week that the lack of a Lynx beer special was sexist. Lest you level the same charge against me, I’d feel the same way if it was MMA, men’s basketball or a meaningless Twins game on instead of football. Now wind up whatever best-of-3 series you’re playing quickly and stop messing with Sunday afternoon.) look no further than the city of Buffalo and Cleveland, long our rivals to the title of “Loserville”. The Browns are 2-1 after a win yesterday, and the Bills 3-0 following their vanquishing of the hated Patriots.
Watching the Bills fans finally getting to celebrate a big win over their long-time tormentors was not only entertaining, but inspiring. It was a nice reminder that nothing lasts forever, and eventually everything turns in time.
Let’s just hope we don’t have to wait as long as the folks in Buffalo.
Or sad, depending on how you want to look at things.
Despite my reputation for hard-bitten negativity, there’s not much you can do but laugh about the state of sports in this burg. With the Twins limping their way to the finish line of a 100-loss season and the Gophers getting throttled at home by another “lesser” opponent, it was once again the Vikings who put an emphatic stamp on a weekend in Loserville.
Shakespeare authored both comedies and tragedies, much like the Minnesota Vikings have throughout their history. The tragedies come in big games, when you stupidly start to believe that success is attainable. They rip your guts out and sting for days. The comedies happen in games like yesterday’s, when the team does something so inexplicable, all you can do is throw your hands up and laugh. Heck, that game didn’t even crack the top 100 Vikings disappointments of my lifetime, and was a distant 2nd on the 2011 list behind drafting Christian Ponder.
Reading through the game story, laughter really is the only appropriate reaction. Double-digit halftime leads in every game? Have only trailed a combined 6:51 all season? These are the stats that amount to 0-3? I was convinced that we were in for a fairly pedestrian season, so far it has been anything but. A small part of me hoped they would hold on and beat the Lions, but it was overruled by the fascination of watching the debacle unfold. Having a good team is obviously the most fun thing in sports, but having a historically bad team? Well that’s a close second!
Hanging out at the bar yesterday, the 20-point lead did little to soothe the nerves of the crowd. After watching the first two games, who could blame them? At our table, you could've offered 5-to-1 odds, asked for no points and been turned down without hesitation. Angst turned to dread on the first Detroit TD 6 minutes into the second half, and by the time they cut the Vikings lead to 3 on the first play of the 4th quarter, even the biggest Purple homer out there had to know it was over. The whole thing was like watching a glass roll off a counter in slow motion, you see it coming, but just can’t get there in time. Everything is serene and lovely on the way down, then comes the floor, and it’s smashed into smithereens.
People are calling for the coach’s head, which can’t happen, and shouldn’t. They’re calling for the rookie QB, which might happen, but probably shouldn’t until a home game against a marginal opponent (Week 5 vs. Arizona?). You have to tip your cap to this particular Vikings team, because there were very few ways they could’ve stirred up such a hornet’s nest so quickly. The new coach had some of the honeymoon period left over from last season, expectations weren’t too high, the early schedule was tough; basically the only way to piss so many people off so fast was blowing big leads in winnable games. It really is impressive, in a twisted sort of way.
Now it’s on to Kansas City and, at least as far as this fan is concerned, hoping they find new ways to up the ante. Could they lose 4 double-digit leads in a row? Is the number going to continue getting higher? Will we be discussing a 27-24 Chiefs victory this time next week, further cementing the 2011 Vikings spot in the Hall of Shame? Hope so, because that’s the sort of thing that gets people’s attention. It’s better to spontaneously combust into a towering inferno of failure than it is to fade away, at least that’s what the song said.
If you want to look for a silver lining (I know what you're thinking, but no, I’m not going to talk about the Lynx, not now, not ever. Their existence already compromised one of the TVs in my favorite football watering hole, totally reversing the good will I was feeling after convincing a bartender last week that the lack of a Lynx beer special was sexist. Lest you level the same charge against me, I’d feel the same way if it was MMA, men’s basketball or a meaningless Twins game on instead of football. Now wind up whatever best-of-3 series you’re playing quickly and stop messing with Sunday afternoon.) look no further than the city of Buffalo and Cleveland, long our rivals to the title of “Loserville”. The Browns are 2-1 after a win yesterday, and the Bills 3-0 following their vanquishing of the hated Patriots.
Watching the Bills fans finally getting to celebrate a big win over their long-time tormentors was not only entertaining, but inspiring. It was a nice reminder that nothing lasts forever, and eventually everything turns in time.
Let’s just hope we don’t have to wait as long as the folks in Buffalo.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thrown to the Wolves
A friend of mine who's been the biggest supporter of this blog since day one told me the other day that he was looking forward to hearing my thoughts on the hiring of Rick Adelman as the new coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Since he's been the biggest fan and most frequent commenter on my writing, I figure that I should grant that request...even though he's not going to like what I have to say.
I try not to talk about the local "professional" basketball squad, expressly because of people like the aforementioned individual. Fans who remain loyal to the club because it's their hometown team, and keep hoping one day to see a payoff for all they've suffered through. Remember what your mothers taught you, if you can't say anything nice, then leave the room and post an angry screed of invective on the internet. Just don't go piling on to a bunch of people who already know exactly what it is their dealing with. When you tell a fan of a Minnesota team their squad sucks, you're not providing any new info, just being a dick.
Astonishingly, there are apparently still a large number of people who feel this way about the Wolves, including many friends of mine. These guys are the ultimate gluttons for punishment. Remember those Samsonite commericals where the suitcase were thrown down stairs, fell off baggage trucks, etc? Being a Wolves fan is kind of like that, only if someone took a dump in said suitcase, stuffed you inside, then threw it down those stairs. The moral of the story being, when you follow the Wolves, it's impossible not to get sh*t on.
The NBA is much more of an ala carte situation for me, like sports sushi. When something looks like a high-quality product good, I sample, but it's not a spot where you roll the dice on anything questionable. I spare the dedicated souls my critiques, because the last thing anyone wants to hear when they're trying to make the best of a bad situation is someone standing over their shoulder telling them how much everything sucks. It's like that prick you know know who lives in California and goes out of his way to alert you how nice the weather is everytime it snows a foot in your town. Sure you can rest easy with the knowledge that someday they'll reside in the 9th circle of hell with Judas Iscariot, but that's a comfort colder than the temps outside.
But since the question was asked, and it's timely, I'll just say they will probably continue to be mediocre-to-bad for the rest of my life.
Everyone agrees that they made the best possible hire. But there are so many things fundamentally flawed about this franchise that it probably won't matter. In 20 years of existence, there's been one brilliant decision (Kevin Garnett), many head-scratchers (Mike James, Troy Hudson) and one apocalyptically bad one (Joe Smith). Even the moves that looked okay on paper, like Ray Allen-for-Stephon Marbury, ended in catastrophe. One of my favorite saying is that even a broken clock is right twice a day, and that's one better than the Wolves have done on major decisions in the past 20 years.
Funny thing is, you can't kill them for their desparate reaches without first noting that they can't catch a damn break. Exhibit A is their NBA lottery history, as this year was the first time that the ping-pong balls ever allowed for a move up. Some of that can be overcome with savvy drafting, but that's like pitting me against Adrian Peterson in a footrace. Technically we both have the necessary equipment, two legs, but that is where all similarities cease. In this case I'm operating with a degree of difficulty called being me.
The 1992 debacle of Chirstian Laettner 3rd, behind Shaq and Alonzo Mourning has been done to death, but there are more worth noting. Glenn Robinson, Jason Kidd and Grant Hill go top 3, we get Donyell Marshall 4th. Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway and Jamal Mashburn, same deal, while we were left with the outrageously entertaining (but completely psychotic) J.R./Junior/Isaiah Rider. I could go on, but I'll spare you; point is, if you look back at history, the players they never got a shot at is a far more impressive list than the players passed over.
So now enter Adelman, who comes to this circus with a nice resume, and should have the team looking relevant in time. Who knows, maybe even make a playoff push in a couple of years? But history suggest rather strongly that it will end the same as it ever has: A catastrophic injury, a free-agent skips town, a star forces a trade for a fraction of his value, you know the drill. I swear I don't go out of my way to be fatalistic, but 20 years of worst case scenario makes it hard to consider anything else being possible.
The big positive could be the ouster of GM David Kahn, who's done a decent job cleaning up a roster that was filled with bad contracts, but doesn't seem to have a handle on building a basketball team. They can deny it all they want, but one look at his resume screamed "3rd choice". Here's hoping he gets into a pissing match with the new $25 million coach, because that'd be easier to handicap than the aforementioned race from a couple paragraphs back.
(Quick aside, Kahn used to be a sportswriter in Portland, and the Star Tribune published one of his old columns from his days covering the Trailblazers the other day, it's a must-read if you're familiar with his work as a GM.
First off, it's interesting to be reminded that he was a sportswriter when so many people thought it would be such a radical move to hire Bill Simmons two years ago. At the time I thought, what have we got to lose? Turns out we would've missed out on quite a bit of comedy. But that would've been at least balanced out by the book Simmons would've written about his time on the job. Calling it a wash.
Secondly, that article is a hilarious read, if only for all the rips he throws at the front office. No business handling basketball decisions? No front office has a worse reputation? Hmm, where have I heard these things said recently? That's right. it was about you Dave! The story about computerized scouting reports is a dead ringer for when you told Chris Webber the Wolves would be a better franchise, BECAUSE YOU STARTED SERVING BREAKFAST!!!
I'll miss him when he's gone, I really will. Hopefully in a year or two, when they hire a real GM, they can keep him on for comic relief. As a matter of fact, this might be a brilliant strategy, sort of a Trojan Horse type of thing. Put Kahn out there talking to people all offseason, make it seem like he's in charge, then BOOM!, spring the real GM on them when it's time to negotiate. There's something there.)
Anyway, to the few people out there who love the Wolves, and want them to succeed, I'm with you. Just in more of a metaphorical sense than actually attending games, getting invested in the team, etc. I like to think of myself as not being too bandwagon, but with this team, I actually consider it a point of pride. Like a dog who doesn't eat his own turds, watching another dog and thinking "Good God, how can he stand the taste!"
But hey, I'm talking about other fans there, not you guys...as far as you know :)
I try not to talk about the local "professional" basketball squad, expressly because of people like the aforementioned individual. Fans who remain loyal to the club because it's their hometown team, and keep hoping one day to see a payoff for all they've suffered through. Remember what your mothers taught you, if you can't say anything nice, then leave the room and post an angry screed of invective on the internet. Just don't go piling on to a bunch of people who already know exactly what it is their dealing with. When you tell a fan of a Minnesota team their squad sucks, you're not providing any new info, just being a dick.
Astonishingly, there are apparently still a large number of people who feel this way about the Wolves, including many friends of mine. These guys are the ultimate gluttons for punishment. Remember those Samsonite commericals where the suitcase were thrown down stairs, fell off baggage trucks, etc? Being a Wolves fan is kind of like that, only if someone took a dump in said suitcase, stuffed you inside, then threw it down those stairs. The moral of the story being, when you follow the Wolves, it's impossible not to get sh*t on.
The NBA is much more of an ala carte situation for me, like sports sushi. When something looks like a high-quality product good, I sample, but it's not a spot where you roll the dice on anything questionable. I spare the dedicated souls my critiques, because the last thing anyone wants to hear when they're trying to make the best of a bad situation is someone standing over their shoulder telling them how much everything sucks. It's like that prick you know know who lives in California and goes out of his way to alert you how nice the weather is everytime it snows a foot in your town. Sure you can rest easy with the knowledge that someday they'll reside in the 9th circle of hell with Judas Iscariot, but that's a comfort colder than the temps outside.
But since the question was asked, and it's timely, I'll just say they will probably continue to be mediocre-to-bad for the rest of my life.
Everyone agrees that they made the best possible hire. But there are so many things fundamentally flawed about this franchise that it probably won't matter. In 20 years of existence, there's been one brilliant decision (Kevin Garnett), many head-scratchers (Mike James, Troy Hudson) and one apocalyptically bad one (Joe Smith). Even the moves that looked okay on paper, like Ray Allen-for-Stephon Marbury, ended in catastrophe. One of my favorite saying is that even a broken clock is right twice a day, and that's one better than the Wolves have done on major decisions in the past 20 years.
Funny thing is, you can't kill them for their desparate reaches without first noting that they can't catch a damn break. Exhibit A is their NBA lottery history, as this year was the first time that the ping-pong balls ever allowed for a move up. Some of that can be overcome with savvy drafting, but that's like pitting me against Adrian Peterson in a footrace. Technically we both have the necessary equipment, two legs, but that is where all similarities cease. In this case I'm operating with a degree of difficulty called being me.
The 1992 debacle of Chirstian Laettner 3rd, behind Shaq and Alonzo Mourning has been done to death, but there are more worth noting. Glenn Robinson, Jason Kidd and Grant Hill go top 3, we get Donyell Marshall 4th. Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway and Jamal Mashburn, same deal, while we were left with the outrageously entertaining (but completely psychotic) J.R./Junior/Isaiah Rider. I could go on, but I'll spare you; point is, if you look back at history, the players they never got a shot at is a far more impressive list than the players passed over.
So now enter Adelman, who comes to this circus with a nice resume, and should have the team looking relevant in time. Who knows, maybe even make a playoff push in a couple of years? But history suggest rather strongly that it will end the same as it ever has: A catastrophic injury, a free-agent skips town, a star forces a trade for a fraction of his value, you know the drill. I swear I don't go out of my way to be fatalistic, but 20 years of worst case scenario makes it hard to consider anything else being possible.
The big positive could be the ouster of GM David Kahn, who's done a decent job cleaning up a roster that was filled with bad contracts, but doesn't seem to have a handle on building a basketball team. They can deny it all they want, but one look at his resume screamed "3rd choice". Here's hoping he gets into a pissing match with the new $25 million coach, because that'd be easier to handicap than the aforementioned race from a couple paragraphs back.
(Quick aside, Kahn used to be a sportswriter in Portland, and the Star Tribune published one of his old columns from his days covering the Trailblazers the other day, it's a must-read if you're familiar with his work as a GM.
First off, it's interesting to be reminded that he was a sportswriter when so many people thought it would be such a radical move to hire Bill Simmons two years ago. At the time I thought, what have we got to lose? Turns out we would've missed out on quite a bit of comedy. But that would've been at least balanced out by the book Simmons would've written about his time on the job. Calling it a wash.
Secondly, that article is a hilarious read, if only for all the rips he throws at the front office. No business handling basketball decisions? No front office has a worse reputation? Hmm, where have I heard these things said recently? That's right. it was about you Dave! The story about computerized scouting reports is a dead ringer for when you told Chris Webber the Wolves would be a better franchise, BECAUSE YOU STARTED SERVING BREAKFAST!!!
I'll miss him when he's gone, I really will. Hopefully in a year or two, when they hire a real GM, they can keep him on for comic relief. As a matter of fact, this might be a brilliant strategy, sort of a Trojan Horse type of thing. Put Kahn out there talking to people all offseason, make it seem like he's in charge, then BOOM!, spring the real GM on them when it's time to negotiate. There's something there.)
Anyway, to the few people out there who love the Wolves, and want them to succeed, I'm with you. Just in more of a metaphorical sense than actually attending games, getting invested in the team, etc. I like to think of myself as not being too bandwagon, but with this team, I actually consider it a point of pride. Like a dog who doesn't eat his own turds, watching another dog and thinking "Good God, how can he stand the taste!"
But hey, I'm talking about other fans there, not you guys...as far as you know :)
Monday, September 19, 2011
You mad?
Yesterday, the Vikings played a strikingly similar game to the one that led to a loss in the season's first week. Impressive starts in both games led to healthy halftime leads, but second-half meltdowns caused them to evaporate, leaving fans and media to bemoan "collapses" that cost the team victory.
Some people are really ticked off at the thought of how close the team is to 2-0, a few of the most reactionary are already calling for the coach's head and backup QB.
My view is slightly different, but has remained unchanged from the beginning: This team just isn't that good.
The Vikes have looked impressive for stretches, and Adrian Peterson in particular has played certain series like a one-man wrecking crew. The problem here is the same one that has plauged them since Randy Moss left town the first time (save for Favre-to-Rice -- Season I), the passing game isn't going to make big plays routinely.
You can do the coulda/shoulda/woulda routine if you like, but the current level of angst has far more to do with opposing teams forgetting to show up early than it does the Purple failing to seal the deal late.
If either of the first two opponents were to be moved back a few weeks on the schedule, it's doubtful that the Vikes would've had the opportunity to blow the game in the first place. Touchdowns count the same in the 1st quarter as they do the 4th, but the fast starts in these two games have felt a bit fluky, and subsequent events have borne that out.
Take a closer look at who they've played.
The Chargers are the most notorious early-season underperformers in the league. They have special teams breakdowns with the same frequency as Chris Cook injuries, so the opening kick return that made the game look so winnable at halftime was not a shock. Neither was the fact that it took them the better part of two quarters to get their bearings, that's about five quarters sooner than the average Norv Turner squad figures things out. Once they did, sans kicker and all, dispatching the Vikes was not a problem.
Similar things can be said yesterday of Tampa, a good matchup for the power running game and suspect secondary of Minnesota. The youngest team in the league did what young teams do, walked into a road game without their minds in the right place. After a half of getting things taken to them physically, they got them in the right place, and the rest was history. Nothing was a foregone conclusion, but it did have a feeling of inevitability to it as soon as they cut the lead to 7 late in the 3rd quarter.
Not to play the "Knew it all along" card here, but nobody should've expected to be anything other than 0-2 at this point. It's not illegal for a team to jump up and win a football game it should probably lose, it happens all the time, and the Vikings had ample opportunities to do so. You can hang your hat on dropped passes, missed interceptions or blown coverages all you want, and a moment or two can certainly be the difference. But over time, all of those little moments form a trend, and all the trends eventually morph into percentages. The percentages say that for the long haul, we are going to see more failure than success from this club.
I picked this team to be 7-9 this season, and 2-3 when they travel to Chicago in Week 6. Two weeks into the season, that still seems pretty likely. The victory chalked up for next week against Detroit is suddenly dicey, but Kansas City appears to be the worst team in the league, and even this putrid pass offense stands a good chance of carving up Arizona. Our team isn't all that bad, they just need to play someone worse.
In the meantime, let's focus less on the scores, and more on how they occur. Does it look like our veterans will stay productive? Does it look like the young guys are figuring it out? Can our coaching staff throw out an interesting gameplan once in awhile? Basically anything positive that can distract you from the fact the division suddenly looks really good, and at least six games a year for the forseeable future will be played against quarterbacks far superior to ours.
Losing close games will always stink, and the comeback here is that these two games could be the difference between making the playoffs or sitting at home. While that may be true, it does nothing to change the fact that the absolute ceiling for this team is a Wild Card upset, at best. Hanging in with a couple good teams is good for the psyche, but did you see anything to convince you that the current collection of players is destined for great things?
Me neither, but that's what happens when you gamble and lose. We had a party, and this is the hangover, you can either go with some hair-of-the-dog, and a quick fix that will cost you more in the long-term, or gut out the unpleasantness.
Put your focus on whether the QB of the future can show promise, some other pieces can emerge, and what sort of playmakers need to be put around them going forward. I can't guarantee positive thoughts on that score either, but I can guarantee it will be better for your blood pressure.
Some people are really ticked off at the thought of how close the team is to 2-0, a few of the most reactionary are already calling for the coach's head and backup QB.
My view is slightly different, but has remained unchanged from the beginning: This team just isn't that good.
The Vikes have looked impressive for stretches, and Adrian Peterson in particular has played certain series like a one-man wrecking crew. The problem here is the same one that has plauged them since Randy Moss left town the first time (save for Favre-to-Rice -- Season I), the passing game isn't going to make big plays routinely.
You can do the coulda/shoulda/woulda routine if you like, but the current level of angst has far more to do with opposing teams forgetting to show up early than it does the Purple failing to seal the deal late.
If either of the first two opponents were to be moved back a few weeks on the schedule, it's doubtful that the Vikes would've had the opportunity to blow the game in the first place. Touchdowns count the same in the 1st quarter as they do the 4th, but the fast starts in these two games have felt a bit fluky, and subsequent events have borne that out.
Take a closer look at who they've played.
The Chargers are the most notorious early-season underperformers in the league. They have special teams breakdowns with the same frequency as Chris Cook injuries, so the opening kick return that made the game look so winnable at halftime was not a shock. Neither was the fact that it took them the better part of two quarters to get their bearings, that's about five quarters sooner than the average Norv Turner squad figures things out. Once they did, sans kicker and all, dispatching the Vikes was not a problem.
Similar things can be said yesterday of Tampa, a good matchup for the power running game and suspect secondary of Minnesota. The youngest team in the league did what young teams do, walked into a road game without their minds in the right place. After a half of getting things taken to them physically, they got them in the right place, and the rest was history. Nothing was a foregone conclusion, but it did have a feeling of inevitability to it as soon as they cut the lead to 7 late in the 3rd quarter.
Not to play the "Knew it all along" card here, but nobody should've expected to be anything other than 0-2 at this point. It's not illegal for a team to jump up and win a football game it should probably lose, it happens all the time, and the Vikings had ample opportunities to do so. You can hang your hat on dropped passes, missed interceptions or blown coverages all you want, and a moment or two can certainly be the difference. But over time, all of those little moments form a trend, and all the trends eventually morph into percentages. The percentages say that for the long haul, we are going to see more failure than success from this club.
I picked this team to be 7-9 this season, and 2-3 when they travel to Chicago in Week 6. Two weeks into the season, that still seems pretty likely. The victory chalked up for next week against Detroit is suddenly dicey, but Kansas City appears to be the worst team in the league, and even this putrid pass offense stands a good chance of carving up Arizona. Our team isn't all that bad, they just need to play someone worse.
In the meantime, let's focus less on the scores, and more on how they occur. Does it look like our veterans will stay productive? Does it look like the young guys are figuring it out? Can our coaching staff throw out an interesting gameplan once in awhile? Basically anything positive that can distract you from the fact the division suddenly looks really good, and at least six games a year for the forseeable future will be played against quarterbacks far superior to ours.
Losing close games will always stink, and the comeback here is that these two games could be the difference between making the playoffs or sitting at home. While that may be true, it does nothing to change the fact that the absolute ceiling for this team is a Wild Card upset, at best. Hanging in with a couple good teams is good for the psyche, but did you see anything to convince you that the current collection of players is destined for great things?
Me neither, but that's what happens when you gamble and lose. We had a party, and this is the hangover, you can either go with some hair-of-the-dog, and a quick fix that will cost you more in the long-term, or gut out the unpleasantness.
Put your focus on whether the QB of the future can show promise, some other pieces can emerge, and what sort of playmakers need to be put around them going forward. I can't guarantee positive thoughts on that score either, but I can guarantee it will be better for your blood pressure.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Don't be that guy
With football returning last week, I thought it might be best to offer a PSA to fans watching at bars across the country. When attending a game in person, all bets are off, faces will be painted, hair dyed, general mayhem will ensue. And that's the way it should be.
But for those of us who just feel like hanging out for a laid back day of pigskin at our favorite watering hole, there are some rules of etiquette that should be kept in mind to make the experience more enjoyable for everybody.
Football is like nothing else when it comes to arousing fan passions. Every game is like a playoff game, so emotions will undoubtedly run high and low. But there are lines that, if crossed, lead to seething hatred at best and physical pummeling at worst.
For instance, Screaming Guy was at both bars I stopped into last Saturday and Sunday. By the sound of things, he was already in midseason form. You all know Screaming Guy, that dude who can't keep himself from raucously clapping his hands together and yelling at the top of his lungs whenever anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, remotely good happens for his team. First down. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Opposing penalty. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Touchback. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! It's basically 3 hours in a room with a drunken rhesus monkey.
Now I'm not saying you can't cheer for your team, I let loose an involuntary yell or five everytime I sit down to watch a game. All I'm saying is pick your spots, and realize that not everyone wants to head home with their ears ringing.
Sometimes Screaming Guy can be replaced by Screaming Gal, which makes things worse when you add in the shrillness factor. If the two of them team up, the hell with it, just go home. But if it's only one, you can fight back, and the appropriate response is to immediately become the world's biggest fan of the opposing team. It doesn't matter if you can't name a player on the squad, clap your hands, stomp your feet and generally act like a fool.
One of two things will happen: If he's sober and self-aware, he'll realize how annoying that is to listen to and desist. If he's drunk (and he probably is), he's going to try and one-up your antics. Either way it can be quite entertaining, especially if his team loses. At that point you're a prick for rubbing it in, but hell with him, he started it.
This whole thing got mmy mind wandering, as it tends to do, along the lines of what other annoying sportsfan behaviors we need to guard against...
Delusional Guy - If you're a blind homer, please realize that no one is interested in your opinion. There's a difference between optimism and making statements like "The Vikings have an easy schedule this year, no way they don't win more than 10 games". Particularly when that's been your take even season since you gained the power of speech. We get it, you like the bright side, now do us a favor and go by a t-shirt that says 11-5 on it so we don't have to listen to you speak again.
Toxic Negativity Guy - The other side of the coin from Delusional Guy, this (alleged) fan tries to downplay any chance of success with statements like "Knew we were going to blow this game" as soon as the team goes down 3 points in the 2nd quarter. Full disclosure, I have been Toxic Negativity Guy on many, many occasions. I maintain that it's a coping mechanism, prepping my mind for the inevitable downfall no matter how well things are going. But it annoys people greatly, so try to stay away from it.
Knew-It-All-Along Guy - The despicable cousin of Delusional Guy, he won't have a positive things to say about the team's chances leading up, then morphs into a Tasmanian Devil of trash talk as soon as they win. This guy not only gets on opposing fans, he goes after his own buddies, trying to tell them he was a better fan because he "kept the faith" and "never doubted them". Nevermind this douchebag couldn't name you five guys on the team, he's now driving the bandwagon.
Bigger Fish To Fry Guy - You wonder why this guy even showed up to watch the game in the first place, as he makes no bones about that fact it means little in the grand scheme of his life. Apparently he's got so many more important pursuits going on that the outcome of a silly little game barely registers, and you, by implication, are stupid for caring so much. Listen buddy, we're happy for you, and yes, we do realize that the sun will rise tomorrow regardless of the outcome. But rather than tell me about all of the crucial things you have going on in life, why don't you just go do them, and leave the rest of us in peace.
First Name Basis Guy - Perhaps this is one that only annoys me, but I can't stand it when people yell the first names of players at the TV, as if they had known them for years. I must say the ladies are the primary offenders on this one, for some reason it must make things more personal to root for "Brett" and "Peyton" rather than "Favre" and "Manning". Unfortunately that's just not the way it's done, you don't know these people, they don't know you, they don't know or care what your first name is, SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THEM BY THEIRS?!?!?!?! Sure, I could just get over this and move on, but that's not very fun, making mountains out of molehills is more than a hobby, it's a way of life.
(Incidentally, one of the funniest football viewing stories I have revolves around the worst First Name Basis Guy that I've ever encountered. This particular individual was also a Screaming Guy, and it's always nasty when these conditions cross-pollinate. He was a Miami Hurricanes fan who apparently knew their starting quarterback, Jacory Harris, quite well. At one point he yelled "Jacory" 15 times in a two-minute interval, not kidding, I heard it in my sleep that night. Fortunately my drinking companion that day was a very drunken Florida St. fan who wasn't having any of it. After about 30 minutes and a couple extra shots, he began screaming "Jacory" at the top of his lungs and running a circle around the bar high-fiving strangers each time Miami ran a play. First Name Basis Guy got the hint.)
Yesteryear Guy - With apologies to all the fathers and grandfathers out there, do you realize how many times you've been told how much better sports used to be by the time you're 30? Rough estimate is 1.2 million, give or take. That's why when you launch into your 18th yarn about the bygone days of leather helmets and guys smoking heaters on the sidelines, I tend to want your head to explode. Listen, it's obvious that a lot of things have changed for the worse since you first started following these games, but what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? How about you have pity on those of us that missed the Golden Age by letting us enjoy the current one for five minutes without a comment about how much it stinks? You want to track down a time machine and that mind-erase dealy from Men In Black, I'm all for going to watch a Michigan-Notre Dame game that mattered. But until you get that figured out, let's confine our conversation to the one that's currently happening.
Antagonist Guy - Probably the worst of them all, this guy doesn't really care about what you're watching, he just cares what you want to happen so that he can take the counterpoint. One of my oldest friends is the biggest antagonist I've ever met in my life. I won't tell you how many times I've physically assaulted him while watching a sporting event, but it's more than 1 and less than 5. That might seem a tad on the psychotic side, but you haven't met this guy. No apology is forthcoming either. If you jump out of your seat, race around the table and clap in my face right after the Vikings get knocked out of the playoffs by an improbable, last-second Arizona Cardinals touchdown, you run a serious risk of getting choked out. Frankly I don't think there's a jury in the state that would convict me.
So let's have fun out there this fall, but also practice a bit of common courtesy and self-awareness. Avoiding these behaviors and others like them will ensure harmonious bargoing, and isn't that really what it's all about?
As my friends know, the life you save may be your own.
But for those of us who just feel like hanging out for a laid back day of pigskin at our favorite watering hole, there are some rules of etiquette that should be kept in mind to make the experience more enjoyable for everybody.
Football is like nothing else when it comes to arousing fan passions. Every game is like a playoff game, so emotions will undoubtedly run high and low. But there are lines that, if crossed, lead to seething hatred at best and physical pummeling at worst.
For instance, Screaming Guy was at both bars I stopped into last Saturday and Sunday. By the sound of things, he was already in midseason form. You all know Screaming Guy, that dude who can't keep himself from raucously clapping his hands together and yelling at the top of his lungs whenever anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, remotely good happens for his team. First down. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Opposing penalty. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Touchback. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! It's basically 3 hours in a room with a drunken rhesus monkey.
Now I'm not saying you can't cheer for your team, I let loose an involuntary yell or five everytime I sit down to watch a game. All I'm saying is pick your spots, and realize that not everyone wants to head home with their ears ringing.
Sometimes Screaming Guy can be replaced by Screaming Gal, which makes things worse when you add in the shrillness factor. If the two of them team up, the hell with it, just go home. But if it's only one, you can fight back, and the appropriate response is to immediately become the world's biggest fan of the opposing team. It doesn't matter if you can't name a player on the squad, clap your hands, stomp your feet and generally act like a fool.
One of two things will happen: If he's sober and self-aware, he'll realize how annoying that is to listen to and desist. If he's drunk (and he probably is), he's going to try and one-up your antics. Either way it can be quite entertaining, especially if his team loses. At that point you're a prick for rubbing it in, but hell with him, he started it.
This whole thing got mmy mind wandering, as it tends to do, along the lines of what other annoying sportsfan behaviors we need to guard against...
Delusional Guy - If you're a blind homer, please realize that no one is interested in your opinion. There's a difference between optimism and making statements like "The Vikings have an easy schedule this year, no way they don't win more than 10 games". Particularly when that's been your take even season since you gained the power of speech. We get it, you like the bright side, now do us a favor and go by a t-shirt that says 11-5 on it so we don't have to listen to you speak again.
Toxic Negativity Guy - The other side of the coin from Delusional Guy, this (alleged) fan tries to downplay any chance of success with statements like "Knew we were going to blow this game" as soon as the team goes down 3 points in the 2nd quarter. Full disclosure, I have been Toxic Negativity Guy on many, many occasions. I maintain that it's a coping mechanism, prepping my mind for the inevitable downfall no matter how well things are going. But it annoys people greatly, so try to stay away from it.
Knew-It-All-Along Guy - The despicable cousin of Delusional Guy, he won't have a positive things to say about the team's chances leading up, then morphs into a Tasmanian Devil of trash talk as soon as they win. This guy not only gets on opposing fans, he goes after his own buddies, trying to tell them he was a better fan because he "kept the faith" and "never doubted them". Nevermind this douchebag couldn't name you five guys on the team, he's now driving the bandwagon.
Bigger Fish To Fry Guy - You wonder why this guy even showed up to watch the game in the first place, as he makes no bones about that fact it means little in the grand scheme of his life. Apparently he's got so many more important pursuits going on that the outcome of a silly little game barely registers, and you, by implication, are stupid for caring so much. Listen buddy, we're happy for you, and yes, we do realize that the sun will rise tomorrow regardless of the outcome. But rather than tell me about all of the crucial things you have going on in life, why don't you just go do them, and leave the rest of us in peace.
First Name Basis Guy - Perhaps this is one that only annoys me, but I can't stand it when people yell the first names of players at the TV, as if they had known them for years. I must say the ladies are the primary offenders on this one, for some reason it must make things more personal to root for "Brett" and "Peyton" rather than "Favre" and "Manning". Unfortunately that's just not the way it's done, you don't know these people, they don't know you, they don't know or care what your first name is, SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THEM BY THEIRS?!?!?!?! Sure, I could just get over this and move on, but that's not very fun, making mountains out of molehills is more than a hobby, it's a way of life.
(Incidentally, one of the funniest football viewing stories I have revolves around the worst First Name Basis Guy that I've ever encountered. This particular individual was also a Screaming Guy, and it's always nasty when these conditions cross-pollinate. He was a Miami Hurricanes fan who apparently knew their starting quarterback, Jacory Harris, quite well. At one point he yelled "Jacory" 15 times in a two-minute interval, not kidding, I heard it in my sleep that night. Fortunately my drinking companion that day was a very drunken Florida St. fan who wasn't having any of it. After about 30 minutes and a couple extra shots, he began screaming "Jacory" at the top of his lungs and running a circle around the bar high-fiving strangers each time Miami ran a play. First Name Basis Guy got the hint.)
Yesteryear Guy - With apologies to all the fathers and grandfathers out there, do you realize how many times you've been told how much better sports used to be by the time you're 30? Rough estimate is 1.2 million, give or take. That's why when you launch into your 18th yarn about the bygone days of leather helmets and guys smoking heaters on the sidelines, I tend to want your head to explode. Listen, it's obvious that a lot of things have changed for the worse since you first started following these games, but what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? How about you have pity on those of us that missed the Golden Age by letting us enjoy the current one for five minutes without a comment about how much it stinks? You want to track down a time machine and that mind-erase dealy from Men In Black, I'm all for going to watch a Michigan-Notre Dame game that mattered. But until you get that figured out, let's confine our conversation to the one that's currently happening.
Antagonist Guy - Probably the worst of them all, this guy doesn't really care about what you're watching, he just cares what you want to happen so that he can take the counterpoint. One of my oldest friends is the biggest antagonist I've ever met in my life. I won't tell you how many times I've physically assaulted him while watching a sporting event, but it's more than 1 and less than 5. That might seem a tad on the psychotic side, but you haven't met this guy. No apology is forthcoming either. If you jump out of your seat, race around the table and clap in my face right after the Vikings get knocked out of the playoffs by an improbable, last-second Arizona Cardinals touchdown, you run a serious risk of getting choked out. Frankly I don't think there's a jury in the state that would convict me.
So let's have fun out there this fall, but also practice a bit of common courtesy and self-awareness. Avoiding these behaviors and others like them will ensure harmonious bargoing, and isn't that really what it's all about?
As my friends know, the life you save may be your own.
The Hall of Pain
Huh, I guess this Facebook thing might catch on after all. Always seemed like a fad to me, but apparently people really like it, who knew.
If you haven't read any of my ramblings before, then you're squarely among the majority of the world's population. I like to think of this blog as the bizzaro McDonald's, billions and billions unserved.
My basic problem in life (well, one of several) is that I'm a huge sportsfan in a town where every team is prone to sucking. The only time they stop sucking for a spell is when they're setting you up for some kind of catastrophic letdown. There are 12 cities in this country that have teams in the 4 major sports, and with apologies to D.C., this one is the worst of the bunch. Next October marks 20 years since the last title and at this point, going another 20 seems very possible.
I know Cleveland and Buffalo get thrown into the mix as historic losers, but at least they don't endure 4 different failures every season. Being a fan here is like being an abused spouse, they beat on us, and we keep coming back for more, hoping that someday things will change.
But what else are you going to do, jump ship? Not an option. I may hate that these teams are my teams, but they are, and that's not going to change. You gotta believe. And you have to find an outlet for the alternating waves of rage and despair, so here we are.
In the meantime, here's a little something that I like to call the Minnesota Sports Hall of Pain, the worst things that have happened since a banner was last raised. Interesting thing is, when I first wrote this 18 months ago, it was in the hopes that we were done with this type of crushing blow. These days, with 4 non-playoff teams in town, I'd kill for the chance just to get back to the big game and lose, at least you can enjoy the ride. It's like Entourage versus the Sopranos.
When the Sopranos decided to end their show with the worst final episode of all time, people were angry that such a great run could have such a crappy ending. But at least you got a great run out of it. When Entourage ended last Sunday, it similarly sucked, but the sucking was expected. Things had been on the decline, like a bad baseball team that hangs around past the All-Star break. The flaws were too numerous to overlook. You keep watching because you're already invested, but deep down you know it's going to end badly.
Vikings
12 Men In The Huddle/Fumblaya/Balls On The Ground (2010) - When your team outgains the opponent 475-257, has 31 first downs to their 15, and loses? Well that's just when you want to hope you don't have any guns in the house. In fact I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Take A Knee (1999) - The gold standard of Vikings futility, at least as far as my life has been concerned, but personally the 2010 debacle beats the 1999 one. That was a long time to wait, how much is it going to suck if they take another decade to get back again? Come on you evil bastards, at least get my dad a title before he dies, 50 years of this nonsense should be enough. To think ten years ago I didn't believe in curses, now I'm ready to track down the guy who hit the ref with the whiskey bottle after the Drew Pearson catch and kill him. That may sound a tad excessive, but things are getting desparate.
41-Doughnut (2001) - Didn't have the rip-your-heart-out factor that the other two brought, but made up for it by being an abject embarrassment. The kind of game that makes you wish your team had lost the week before, for no other reason than at least you might've had an entertaining football game to watch.
Twins
Bumble In The Bronx (2004) - Game 2, 2004 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. The scrappy underdog Twins are poised to take a commanding 2-0 series lead over the hated Yankees, following a Torii Hunter home run in the top of the 12th inning which made the score 6-5. Unfortunately All-Star closer Joe Nathan implodes in the bottom of the inning,issuing back-to-back walks in the bottom of the inning, including one to the #9 hitter, and allowing both to come around to score.
Bumble In The Bronx - The Sequel (2009) - Game 2, 2009 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. Swap 2-0 lead for 1-1 tie and A-Rod for #9 hitter in the previous section, and you've got it. Yankee mystique 2, Nathan psyche 0; it's a shame he wasn't heathly for last year's playoff so they could've attempted the sweep. The Twins playoff losing streak against the Yankees is now an elementary schooler, and he's a mouthy bastard.
Timberwolves
Rush Hour (2004) - Game 6, 2004 Western Conference Finals. A win here could've sent the Wolves back home with a chance to advance to the finals, instead Kareem Rush rolls in averaging 2.5 points per game and proceeds to hit six 3-pointers, Lakers win by 6. There would've been no shame in losing to the Lakers, but when you shut down all their best players and the last guy on the bench kills you? hat stung.
The first, last and only run of the Kevin Garnett Era, this is the high water mark of a franchise that has been reeling ever since.
North Stars/Wild
Jose Can You See (2008) - Game 5, 2008 Western Conference Quarterfinals. Earlier in the playoffs than many of the previously mentioned defeats, but just as brutal, given the circumstances. A Wild team with high hopes for the playoffs coming off it's first division title drops the pivotal game in a 2-2 series, outshooting the Colorado Avalanche by a whopping 40-17 margin, but falling by a 3-2 score. One of the most frustrating games I've ever watched in my life, as the Wild dominated up and down the ice, but couldn't solve Avs netminder Jose Theodore. Adding insult to injury, Colorado got it's 2nd and 3rd tallies only a minute apart in the 3rd period, stealing a game they never deserved to win.
F**k Giguere (2003) - No clever name. The Western Conference finals was wrecked by this clown and his gigantic pads. Sure the Wild weren't supposed to be there, but neither was Anaheim, everyone forgets they were they were the #7 seed to Minnesota's #6. Our guys not only got swept, they scored one goal in four games. One goal. Four games. It almost doesn't seem possible, but it happened.
THUD! (1991) - Game 6, 1991 Stanley Cup Finals. A Cinderella run by the North Stars hits midnight with an unceremonius 8-0 drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Tough to look at this one as too disappointing, given that the Stars delivered way more than people ever expected, but what a buzzkill. I still remember sitting in the basement, watching goal after goal get pumped in by the Pens, it was about as wide a gap in talent I've ever seen in a championship round, if you feel like reliving it, here you go: http://game6.nhl91.com/
So there it is, my own personal trip through sports hell. Frankly it's been cathartic and reminded me that as bad as things can get, they could always be worse.
There's always next year.
If you haven't read any of my ramblings before, then you're squarely among the majority of the world's population. I like to think of this blog as the bizzaro McDonald's, billions and billions unserved.
My basic problem in life (well, one of several) is that I'm a huge sportsfan in a town where every team is prone to sucking. The only time they stop sucking for a spell is when they're setting you up for some kind of catastrophic letdown. There are 12 cities in this country that have teams in the 4 major sports, and with apologies to D.C., this one is the worst of the bunch. Next October marks 20 years since the last title and at this point, going another 20 seems very possible.
I know Cleveland and Buffalo get thrown into the mix as historic losers, but at least they don't endure 4 different failures every season. Being a fan here is like being an abused spouse, they beat on us, and we keep coming back for more, hoping that someday things will change.
But what else are you going to do, jump ship? Not an option. I may hate that these teams are my teams, but they are, and that's not going to change. You gotta believe. And you have to find an outlet for the alternating waves of rage and despair, so here we are.
In the meantime, here's a little something that I like to call the Minnesota Sports Hall of Pain, the worst things that have happened since a banner was last raised. Interesting thing is, when I first wrote this 18 months ago, it was in the hopes that we were done with this type of crushing blow. These days, with 4 non-playoff teams in town, I'd kill for the chance just to get back to the big game and lose, at least you can enjoy the ride. It's like Entourage versus the Sopranos.
When the Sopranos decided to end their show with the worst final episode of all time, people were angry that such a great run could have such a crappy ending. But at least you got a great run out of it. When Entourage ended last Sunday, it similarly sucked, but the sucking was expected. Things had been on the decline, like a bad baseball team that hangs around past the All-Star break. The flaws were too numerous to overlook. You keep watching because you're already invested, but deep down you know it's going to end badly.
Vikings
12 Men In The Huddle/Fumblaya/Balls On The Ground (2010) - When your team outgains the opponent 475-257, has 31 first downs to their 15, and loses? Well that's just when you want to hope you don't have any guns in the house. In fact I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Take A Knee (1999) - The gold standard of Vikings futility, at least as far as my life has been concerned, but personally the 2010 debacle beats the 1999 one. That was a long time to wait, how much is it going to suck if they take another decade to get back again? Come on you evil bastards, at least get my dad a title before he dies, 50 years of this nonsense should be enough. To think ten years ago I didn't believe in curses, now I'm ready to track down the guy who hit the ref with the whiskey bottle after the Drew Pearson catch and kill him. That may sound a tad excessive, but things are getting desparate.
41-Doughnut (2001) - Didn't have the rip-your-heart-out factor that the other two brought, but made up for it by being an abject embarrassment. The kind of game that makes you wish your team had lost the week before, for no other reason than at least you might've had an entertaining football game to watch.
Twins
Bumble In The Bronx (2004) - Game 2, 2004 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. The scrappy underdog Twins are poised to take a commanding 2-0 series lead over the hated Yankees, following a Torii Hunter home run in the top of the 12th inning which made the score 6-5. Unfortunately All-Star closer Joe Nathan implodes in the bottom of the inning,issuing back-to-back walks in the bottom of the inning, including one to the #9 hitter, and allowing both to come around to score.
Bumble In The Bronx - The Sequel (2009) - Game 2, 2009 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. Swap 2-0 lead for 1-1 tie and A-Rod for #9 hitter in the previous section, and you've got it. Yankee mystique 2, Nathan psyche 0; it's a shame he wasn't heathly for last year's playoff so they could've attempted the sweep. The Twins playoff losing streak against the Yankees is now an elementary schooler, and he's a mouthy bastard.
Timberwolves
Rush Hour (2004) - Game 6, 2004 Western Conference Finals. A win here could've sent the Wolves back home with a chance to advance to the finals, instead Kareem Rush rolls in averaging 2.5 points per game and proceeds to hit six 3-pointers, Lakers win by 6. There would've been no shame in losing to the Lakers, but when you shut down all their best players and the last guy on the bench kills you? hat stung.
The first, last and only run of the Kevin Garnett Era, this is the high water mark of a franchise that has been reeling ever since.
North Stars/Wild
Jose Can You See (2008) - Game 5, 2008 Western Conference Quarterfinals. Earlier in the playoffs than many of the previously mentioned defeats, but just as brutal, given the circumstances. A Wild team with high hopes for the playoffs coming off it's first division title drops the pivotal game in a 2-2 series, outshooting the Colorado Avalanche by a whopping 40-17 margin, but falling by a 3-2 score. One of the most frustrating games I've ever watched in my life, as the Wild dominated up and down the ice, but couldn't solve Avs netminder Jose Theodore. Adding insult to injury, Colorado got it's 2nd and 3rd tallies only a minute apart in the 3rd period, stealing a game they never deserved to win.
F**k Giguere (2003) - No clever name. The Western Conference finals was wrecked by this clown and his gigantic pads. Sure the Wild weren't supposed to be there, but neither was Anaheim, everyone forgets they were they were the #7 seed to Minnesota's #6. Our guys not only got swept, they scored one goal in four games. One goal. Four games. It almost doesn't seem possible, but it happened.
THUD! (1991) - Game 6, 1991 Stanley Cup Finals. A Cinderella run by the North Stars hits midnight with an unceremonius 8-0 drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Tough to look at this one as too disappointing, given that the Stars delivered way more than people ever expected, but what a buzzkill. I still remember sitting in the basement, watching goal after goal get pumped in by the Pens, it was about as wide a gap in talent I've ever seen in a championship round, if you feel like reliving it, here you go: http://game6.nhl91.com/
So there it is, my own personal trip through sports hell. Frankly it's been cathartic and reminded me that as bad as things can get, they could always be worse.
There's always next year.
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