With football returning last week, I thought it might be best to offer a PSA to fans watching at bars across the country. When attending a game in person, all bets are off, faces will be painted, hair dyed, general mayhem will ensue. And that's the way it should be.
But for those of us who just feel like hanging out for a laid back day of pigskin at our favorite watering hole, there are some rules of etiquette that should be kept in mind to make the experience more enjoyable for everybody.
Football is like nothing else when it comes to arousing fan passions. Every game is like a playoff game, so emotions will undoubtedly run high and low. But there are lines that, if crossed, lead to seething hatred at best and physical pummeling at worst.
For instance, Screaming Guy was at both bars I stopped into last Saturday and Sunday. By the sound of things, he was already in midseason form. You all know Screaming Guy, that dude who can't keep himself from raucously clapping his hands together and yelling at the top of his lungs whenever anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, remotely good happens for his team. First down. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Opposing penalty. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Touchback. YAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! It's basically 3 hours in a room with a drunken rhesus monkey.
Now I'm not saying you can't cheer for your team, I let loose an involuntary yell or five everytime I sit down to watch a game. All I'm saying is pick your spots, and realize that not everyone wants to head home with their ears ringing.
Sometimes Screaming Guy can be replaced by Screaming Gal, which makes things worse when you add in the shrillness factor. If the two of them team up, the hell with it, just go home. But if it's only one, you can fight back, and the appropriate response is to immediately become the world's biggest fan of the opposing team. It doesn't matter if you can't name a player on the squad, clap your hands, stomp your feet and generally act like a fool.
One of two things will happen: If he's sober and self-aware, he'll realize how annoying that is to listen to and desist. If he's drunk (and he probably is), he's going to try and one-up your antics. Either way it can be quite entertaining, especially if his team loses. At that point you're a prick for rubbing it in, but hell with him, he started it.
This whole thing got mmy mind wandering, as it tends to do, along the lines of what other annoying sportsfan behaviors we need to guard against...
Delusional Guy - If you're a blind homer, please realize that no one is interested in your opinion. There's a difference between optimism and making statements like "The Vikings have an easy schedule this year, no way they don't win more than 10 games". Particularly when that's been your take even season since you gained the power of speech. We get it, you like the bright side, now do us a favor and go by a t-shirt that says 11-5 on it so we don't have to listen to you speak again.
Toxic Negativity Guy - The other side of the coin from Delusional Guy, this (alleged) fan tries to downplay any chance of success with statements like "Knew we were going to blow this game" as soon as the team goes down 3 points in the 2nd quarter. Full disclosure, I have been Toxic Negativity Guy on many, many occasions. I maintain that it's a coping mechanism, prepping my mind for the inevitable downfall no matter how well things are going. But it annoys people greatly, so try to stay away from it.
Knew-It-All-Along Guy - The despicable cousin of Delusional Guy, he won't have a positive things to say about the team's chances leading up, then morphs into a Tasmanian Devil of trash talk as soon as they win. This guy not only gets on opposing fans, he goes after his own buddies, trying to tell them he was a better fan because he "kept the faith" and "never doubted them". Nevermind this douchebag couldn't name you five guys on the team, he's now driving the bandwagon.
Bigger Fish To Fry Guy - You wonder why this guy even showed up to watch the game in the first place, as he makes no bones about that fact it means little in the grand scheme of his life. Apparently he's got so many more important pursuits going on that the outcome of a silly little game barely registers, and you, by implication, are stupid for caring so much. Listen buddy, we're happy for you, and yes, we do realize that the sun will rise tomorrow regardless of the outcome. But rather than tell me about all of the crucial things you have going on in life, why don't you just go do them, and leave the rest of us in peace.
First Name Basis Guy - Perhaps this is one that only annoys me, but I can't stand it when people yell the first names of players at the TV, as if they had known them for years. I must say the ladies are the primary offenders on this one, for some reason it must make things more personal to root for "Brett" and "Peyton" rather than "Favre" and "Manning". Unfortunately that's just not the way it's done, you don't know these people, they don't know you, they don't know or care what your first name is, SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THEM BY THEIRS?!?!?!?! Sure, I could just get over this and move on, but that's not very fun, making mountains out of molehills is more than a hobby, it's a way of life.
(Incidentally, one of the funniest football viewing stories I have revolves around the worst First Name Basis Guy that I've ever encountered. This particular individual was also a Screaming Guy, and it's always nasty when these conditions cross-pollinate. He was a Miami Hurricanes fan who apparently knew their starting quarterback, Jacory Harris, quite well. At one point he yelled "Jacory" 15 times in a two-minute interval, not kidding, I heard it in my sleep that night. Fortunately my drinking companion that day was a very drunken Florida St. fan who wasn't having any of it. After about 30 minutes and a couple extra shots, he began screaming "Jacory" at the top of his lungs and running a circle around the bar high-fiving strangers each time Miami ran a play. First Name Basis Guy got the hint.)
Yesteryear Guy - With apologies to all the fathers and grandfathers out there, do you realize how many times you've been told how much better sports used to be by the time you're 30? Rough estimate is 1.2 million, give or take. That's why when you launch into your 18th yarn about the bygone days of leather helmets and guys smoking heaters on the sidelines, I tend to want your head to explode. Listen, it's obvious that a lot of things have changed for the worse since you first started following these games, but what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? How about you have pity on those of us that missed the Golden Age by letting us enjoy the current one for five minutes without a comment about how much it stinks? You want to track down a time machine and that mind-erase dealy from Men In Black, I'm all for going to watch a Michigan-Notre Dame game that mattered. But until you get that figured out, let's confine our conversation to the one that's currently happening.
Antagonist Guy - Probably the worst of them all, this guy doesn't really care about what you're watching, he just cares what you want to happen so that he can take the counterpoint. One of my oldest friends is the biggest antagonist I've ever met in my life. I won't tell you how many times I've physically assaulted him while watching a sporting event, but it's more than 1 and less than 5. That might seem a tad on the psychotic side, but you haven't met this guy. No apology is forthcoming either. If you jump out of your seat, race around the table and clap in my face right after the Vikings get knocked out of the playoffs by an improbable, last-second Arizona Cardinals touchdown, you run a serious risk of getting choked out. Frankly I don't think there's a jury in the state that would convict me.
So let's have fun out there this fall, but also practice a bit of common courtesy and self-awareness. Avoiding these behaviors and others like them will ensure harmonious bargoing, and isn't that really what it's all about?
As my friends know, the life you save may be your own.
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