Presidential power

I caught a few minutes of the Presidential Debate last night, and the two sides are way further apart than I’d previously thought.  At this point, it’s seems very unlikely that Republicans and Democrats are going to reach a consensus by Election Day.  I’m sorry to say it folks, but it seems as if we’re on a collision course for yet another lockout.

Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s going to be disappointing to show up to your favorite school or church on November 3^rd and find the doors padlocked.  You’ve likely been anticipating the thrill of filling in that little bubble card as you hearkened back to the halcyon days of 5^th grade math tests, but that might have to wait.  At this point, all we can hope for is progress at the negotiating table and an agreement to be hammered out as soon as possible.  As we all know, if the stalemate drags into January, we run the risk of losing an entire election, a sobering thought for any hardcore politics fan out there.

As is usually the case when one of these situations arises, I have no interest in blaming one side over the other, just a wish to see things resolved.  Like the NHL and NFL before them, if they can’t come to a workable agreement on dividing the massive sums of money at their disposal, the only people who lose out are the fans.  The camaraderie of following election returns, celebrating victory or consoling defeat will likely be lost to us in the coming weeks, we can only hope that’s not the case forever.

In the meantime, we’re one-quarter through the NFL season, so why not do a power poll?  In my customary fashion, it's time to link each team to something it reminds me of in a particular category.  This week seemed like the perfect time to decide the historical US Presidential doppelgangers of NFL teams.  With the lockout looming, at least we can hearken back to happier (or unhappier, depending on your bent) times in electoral history.

 32. Cleveland Browns (Ralph Nader) – Although technically in the running every time out, there’s never a chance in hell they’ll actually win the thing!  Best they can hope to do is play spoiler to a Wild Card team (or Al Gore) before fading back into obscurity.

31. Indianapolis Colts (Grover Cleveland) – Both won it all once, and by all indications both will win it all a second time after a brief hiatus.  Grover took care of business, now it’s up to Andrew Luck to complete the analogy, he retires without a ring and the Colts are Jimmy Carter.

30. Jacksonville Jaguars (Pat Buchanan) – Came sorta close that one time, since then totally irrelevant and likely to remain so.

29. Oakland Raiders (Richard Nixon) – Dominant in the 70s, before going downhill in the legacy department and ending up widely disliked.

28. Kansas City Chiefs (Harry Truman) – Pulled off a huge upset, but unable to replicate the feat in later years.

27. Tennessee Titans (Ron Paul) – Gamely making attempts each year, but haven’t won anything and no one can ever remember where either is from.

26. New Orleans Saints (Barack Obama) – Incredible run of recent success now looking a tad rocky, remains to be seen if a rally can be made to overcome current struggles.

25. Miami Dolphins (Woodrow Wilson) – Went back-to-back, but that was a long, long time ago.

24. New York Jets (John  F. Kennedy) – Another big upset over long odds that's been raised to mythic status as the years have passed. 

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (William Henry Harrison) – Whether we’re talking about length of term, or time spent as a competent football team, blink and you missed it.

22. Carolina Panthers (John Kerry) – Looked overmatched on paper, but made a tighter contest of things than was expected.

21. Detroit Lions (Newt Gingrich) – So there was this blip, for a minute there, when it looked like maybe…oh never mind. 

20. Buffalo Bills (Adlai Stevenson) – Peaked in the wrong era.

19. Washington Redskins (Franklin Delano Roosevelt) – A lot of time may have passed, but man were they good.

18. St. Louis Rams (Lyndon Johnson) – Won in a landslide, but despite being favored, ultimately didn’t repeat.

17. Dallas Cowboys (Georges W. Bush) – You either love em, or you hate em.

16. Seattle Seahawks (Al Gore) – Stop whining about the refs already.

15. Minnesota Vikings (Hubert Humphrey) – So close, yet so far...

14. Pittsburgh Steelers (Abraham Lincoln) – Top of the heap, king of the castle, best there ever was.

13. Denver Broncos (John Adams) – Overcame bitter defeats against the greats of the game before finally breaking through.

12. Cincinnati Bengals (Samuel Tilden) – Not-so-great moments in last second comeback history.

11. San Diego Chargers (Walter Mondale) – Ran up against a juggernaut in the big game.

10. Chicago Bears (George H.W. Bush) – One great year in the 80s and been milking it ever since.

9. New York Giants (Bill Clinton) – Just when everyone was 100% convinced that something got blown, they managed to come out unscathed.

8. Philadelphia Eagles (Michelle Bachman) – Zealous (borderline psychotic) support of fans makes no sense when compared to actual track record of results.

7. Arizona Cardinals (Barry Goldwater) – Came from the desert, lost, went home.

6. Green Bay Packers (George Washington) – Won the first two, and we’ve all been hearing about it constantly ever since.

 5. New England Patriots (Thomas Jefferson) – Deserving of consideration among the all-time elite.

4. San Francisco 49ers (Ronald Reagan) – Dominated the 80s, fans think they re-invented the game, enjoying a recent resurgence.

3. Baltimore Ravens (Teddy Roosevelt) – Only one win, but extraordinarily strong on defense. 

2. Atlanta Falcons (Rick Perry) – Often discussed as possible threat, but needs to show an ability to close before taken seriously.

1. Houston Texans (Mitt Romney) – Remains to be seen if either can capitalize on recent strong performances.

2012 NFL Preview: The unabridged version

It’s that time of year again, the part where I attempt to predict how the NFL is going to shape up, only to end up with more comedic fodder than brilliant insight come December. But in my defense, plenty of people who do this for a living do just as poorly, and they don't have a day job eating up their research time.

In keeping with the running theme of these posts, we’re going to compare each team to something they remind me of in a particular category.  Two years ago, it was beers. Last year, it was movies.

This year, I thought we’d tackle the musical doppelgangers of the NFL.

AFC West

Denver (9-7) / “Up To My Neck” (AC/DC) – Excluding vampires, perhaps no group of people in history has taken as much interesting in the fate of a neck as Denver Broncos fans this offseason. Even after months of talk about the bazillion surgeries, diminished throwing velocity, more outdoor games and a bunch of other reasons this won’t work, I’m still buying in for a couple reasons. First, he’s Peyton Effing Manning, and I’m not kicking dirt on him until we’re damned sure this thing is over. I love a good comeback story, and suddenly find myself rooting for both Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos more than I ever have before.

Second, the Broncos succeeding this season will be another nail in the coffin of the Tebow legacy. After Manning takes them to the playoffs, all we’ll need is a spectacular flop in relief of Mark Sanchez, video of him swearing at schoolchildren while kicking a puppy, a failed PED test and a leaked sextape to finally get him the hell off ESPN.

Kansas City (8-8) / “Back In Black” (AC/DC) – Are we going to go entirely AC/DC for the AFC West? A better question is, why wouldn’t we? The Chiefs are getting back three of their best players from full-season injuries and added my personal favorite offensive lineman, Eric Winston (Go Canes), in free agency. Incidentally, the first sign you might care too much about football is the day you pick a favorite offensive lineman, but dude is a badass, he probably carries the same wallet Sam Jackson had in Pulp Fiction.

The second sign you care way too much about football is that you downloaded a schedule grid into Excel and went game-by-game to figure out records, linking matchups to ensure that the offsetting win or loss is appropriately reflected when any change is made.  You then obsessively tweak said spreadsheet because very few teams 8-8 teams have both winning and losing streaks of more than 4 games.  It's pretty embarrassing to admit that's what a significant portion of my evenings have consisted of during the past week, but still less embarrassing than a lot of what people admit to watching on television.

Without trying to plan for it, I got to a very intriguing place with the AFC West by Week 17, the Broncos, Chiefs and Chargers all sitting at 8-7, with two divisional games on the schedule. A win would get the Chiefs or Chargers in regardless, by virtue of their holding the division-record tiebreaker over the Broncos. So what happens? The Broncos and Raiders win, of course.  And if you have to ask why, you haven’t been following the AFC West.

By the way, if that exact sequence unfolds, I expect you all to hail me as a prophet and send $50 to my newly formed Church of the Immaculate Reception. Otherwise, I will start predicting comets.

San Diego (8-8) / “Kicked In The Teeth” (AC/DC) – How many times is a Chargers team going to start slow and rally down the stretch, then fall flat on its face in the clutch, before the Norv Turner is finally put out to pasture? I’m not sure what the exactly number is, but “at least one more” is one correct answer.

Oakland (5-11) / “Highway To Hell” (AC/DC) – But at least they get to play spoiler. People keep talking about how good Carson Palmer was at the end of the season, and it makes me feel like I’m missing something. After all, this was an 8-8 team that spent the first half of its season watching Jason Campbell throw for 150 yards a game. But then you see their minus-74 point differential, think about their defense getting lit up and consider the fact that Michael Bush is not around to pick up the slack after Darren McFadden’s ankles explode like the T-1000 walking through liquid nitrogen. But if that does happens, at least I can break into my cache of Taiwan Jones jokes.

“Why did Taiwan Jones get angry when he went to the mall?”

“No one recognized him.”

Wah-wah, let’s all hope it doesn’t come to that.

AFC South

Tennessee (9-7) / “Crazy Train” (Ozzy Osbourne) – If you think having them at the top of the division is crazy, you’re probably right. But this is the NFL, and crazy is guaranteed, so why not the Titans jumping up to win a pretty lousy division? After all, Houston was a 6-10 doormat two years ago, with perhaps the worst defense in the league. I still shudder at the memory of watching them kill my fantasy playoff chances in Week 15 by letting Kenny Britt (and the immortal Kerry Collins) torch them time and again. It was like someone had pinned me down and had the defensive secondary collectively urinate on me for 3 hours.  Then they win the division with pretty much the same set of guys the following year, go figure.

Besides, if you think the prediction is shaky, wait until you hear how I have them getting there!

A brutal early season schedule featuring New England, at San Diego, Detroit, at Houston, Pittsburgh, at Buffalo and Chicago has them at 4-6 entering their Week 11 bye. Then Jake Locker begins to put things together, leading the team on a 4-game win streak out of the bye that’s only derailed when they travel to Green Bay in Week 16. The four opponents in said streak? At Jacksonville, Houston, @Indianapolis, NY Jets. After that, all they need is a win against Jacksonville at home to get to 9-7 with a 5-1 division record, one game better than the Texans 4-2.

Improbable? Yes. Impossible? Hardly. And you certainly can’t say it isn’t bold.

Houston (9-7) / “Broken” (Seether) – Of course all of the above is contingent on the Texans staying under double-digit wins, and they just might if the injury bug rears its head again. The starting QB, best WR and best defensive player all had serious injuries last season. One of them has left town, but for the two that remain, things seem to be trending negatively in that department. Throw in the loss of a couple good O-linemen and the Texans are my pick to take a step back this season. Sure they might just ride their power running game to 10-6 without breaking a sweat, but maybe some improving quarterback play steals a division W or two along the way, and then it’s a whole new ballgame.

Indianapolis (5-11) /“Even The Losers (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers) – …get Luck-y sometimes. By all accounts, that certainly appears to be what’s happened here.  The Colts have parlayed their one bad season in over a decade into the next great NFL QB. This wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t think Luck is going to spend the next decade hammering home the abject stupidity of the Vikings reaching for a mediocre QB instead of blowing it all up and tanking for a high-end one the following season. Got a nagging feeling that this is all going to culminate in Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III facing off in the 2017 Super Bowl while Christian Ponder watches from the boat he bought following his retirement.

I think Colts fans are in for a fun season, with many touchdowns, many interceptions, and a general feeling that something is building for the future. Wish I could say the same for…

Jacksonville (4-12) / “Brick” (Ben Folds) – Blaine’s the brick, and he’s about to drown this team slowly. Or maybe quickly, we’ll see what happens. There’s actually been some preseason buzz about Gabbert looking better, and Justin Blackmon should be a big upgrade at wide receiver. But Blaine Gabbert is the warm blanket of abject failure that comforts me about my own team’s shaky 2nd-year QB, and I’m not willing to give that up yet. Check back with me about 4 PM this Sunday, after he finishes torching our ramshackle secondary for 250 yards and 3 TDs.

I had to take a look back at how this team went 5-11 last year, because every time I saw them, they looked like they’d have trouble beating an egg. Throw out a 41-point, “where-the-eff-did-that-come-from???” explosion against Tampa, and they averaged 16 points in their other 4 wins last season. Unfortunately, Indy won't be as easy to sweep this time around, and their best offensive player just got to camp last week, so that spells a slight step back.

AFC North

Pittsburgh (11-5) / “Truckin” (Grateful Dead) – I’ve let myself be swayed by preseason chatter in the past, the O-line has too many injuries, the QB takes too many hits, the defense is getting old, etc. Yet every year we get to December and there are the Steelers, right in the thick of the playoff hunt, if not the race for homefield. The same thing has happened this year, with Mike Wallace holding out, running backs getting hurt, a rookie offensive lineman lost for the season, still things just keep truckin.

Baltimore (11-5) / “Seen It All Before” (Amos Lee) – Somebody help me out here, is this breakout season #3 or #4 for Joe Flacco?  The Ravens will get a wild card, they will go on the road in round one and demolish a “higher” seed, and with their history against the Steelers and Patriots, I should really like their shot at making the Super Bowl. Joe Flacco outplayed Tom Brady last year (albeit against a terrible defense) and had his team an indefensible shank away from going to OT in a conference championship game.

So why is it that I just can’t get behind Flacco as the quarterback of a championship team? His 20 TDs last season?  The series of performances that ranged from "blah" to "blech" during the second half?  Maybe he will break out, but first they’re going to have to ask him to do more than what he’s done, at the moment he seems a bit too much like the AFC version of Alex Smith.

Cincinnati (8-8) / “It’s Not My Time” (3 Doors Down) – Very intrigued at where this team might go in the next couple of years, but a tougher schedule coupled with sophomore slump from Andy Dalton has me thinking no playoff repeat is in store this year.

Cleveland (4-12) / “The Song Remains The Same” (Led Zeppelin) – I tried to find the Browns more wins, believe me I did. But at the end of the day, each team I compared them against just seemed to have more to like.  It’s true they won 4 games with Colt McCoy at QB last season, but now their best defensive player is out for the first 4 games and their starting schedule is a nightmare (PHI, @CIN, BUF, @BAL, @NYG, CIN) Anyway, how can we even be sure Brandon Weeden will be an upgrade?

Rookies are rookies, even those halfway to an AARP card. Find a quarterback Cleveland, for the love of God, we go through this every year, Derek Anderson’s single competent season should be no one’s gold standard!

AFC East

New England (13-3) / “So Close” (Hall & Oates) – A terrible defense looks improved, but haven’t these guys lost quite a bit on the offensive line? It’s tough to say you’re nervous about a team you’re predicting will go 13-3, but a Tom Brady injury changes so many things, the idea of him taking frequent hits is unsettling. The again, this is another team that just seems to soldier on no matter what happens, and Bryant McKinnie’s midsection thinks their schedule is soft, tough to pick against them.

So we’ll pick what usually happens, blaze a trail to the playoffs, then get knocked out just short by a team with a great pass rush that throws you off your game.

Buffalo (9-7) / “Tainted Love” (Soft Cell) – I may be a Vikings fan, but I’m a Bills homer. Every year I talk myself into them finding a way to beat expectations, and every year I’m wrong. Last year they looked golden with a 5-2 record, then melted down so completely you could’ve sworn the entire team was launched into the sun. So what I’m saying is, take this with a grain or ten of salt. Every year, I have to root for one of our brothers in Loserdom, Buffalo or Cleveland, to turn in a season that isn’t a complete steaming turd. Since Cleveland doesn’t look capable, you’re up Buffalo, make your fans proud less profoundly depressed than you usually do.

Is it that crazy to think they can win 9?

Road: Jets, Cleveland, Houston, Indy.
Home: Seattle, Jacksonville, Miami, Tennessee, New England.

The Houston and New England games are tough, but seem possible, if unlikely. Go Bills.

New York Jets (7-9) / “Lido Shuffle” (Boz Scaggs) – I’ve altered the lyrics slightly

Tebow, whoa oh, oh, oh

Sanchez is done, because he blows,Tebow's a waitin' foooor the go oh
Tebow, whoa oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohhhh

How this’ll end, nobody knows
Tebow, whoa oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Tebow

Tebow’s probably praying that his time in New York will be a success. Meanwhile, thousands of others are praying that he's an abject failure, if only to avoid the complete insufferability that would be a Tim Tebow-led New York Jets playoff team. Funny how that works.

Rumor has it you’re a merciful God, please, I’m begging you, spare us this.

Miami (3-13) / “All Apologies” (Nirvana) – This is admittedly an opinion that’s been tainted by Hard Knocks viewing, but man does this team look lousy. Joe Philbin seems to have one halftime and postgame speech: That was embarrassing, do better. Shouldn’t we take the fact that he keeps having to give that speech as evidence that either A) They’re not listening or B) This is the best they’ve got to offer? I’m leaning B myself.

(Circling back to the Jets for a moment, if God needs more karmic support on why they should be smote this season, they took the most likeable guy from Hard Knocks and cut him after he blew out his knee in his first practice with the team. Apparently his contract had an injury waiver clause, so he gets squat from them. This made me feel lousy about being a football fan.  Somebody get this guy $50k to live on for a year while he gets his knee right, or risk coming back as the elastic in Rob Ryan's underwear during your next life. Injuries are part of the game, I get it, but come on, that’s just awful.)

NFC West
San Francisco (10-6) / “For Whom The Bell Tolls” (Metallica) – Picking the Niners to win 10 games pains me for two reasons.  Not only did I wager some weeks back that they wouldn’t hit double-digit wins due to a more difficult schedule, I also hate mediocre QBs who get by on the backs of great defenses.

Trips to Green Bay, New Orleans and New England, home dates with the Lions, Giants and Bears.  There’s enough opposing offense there to require Alex Smith to actually take a few chances, right? He only threw 5 interceptions last year, but also only 17 TDs; one of those numbers needs to go way up, nobody wants to see you fling it out of bounds on 3rd and 8, Captain Checkdown. I don’t hate San Fran, but it vexes me whenever a team wins without a playmaking QB, just doesn’t seem right.

Need more fireworks Smith, the good kind or bad, shit or get off the pot time.

Seattle (8-8) / “Hallelujah” (Jeff Buckley) – Getting Tarvaris Jackson off your team should be worth a minimum 2-win bump, but I couldn’t find a 9th win on the schedule. Still, this team looks frisky, with a solid D, decent run game and maybe even a young QB who can make a few plays. Whether that QB is Russell Wilson or Matt Flynn seems immaterial, either one should be an upgrade.

By the way, during this dark period of the franchise history, Vikings fans have got to thank Seattle for those ridiculous quotes about T-Jack not being given a fair shake in Minnesota during training camp last year. We needed a laugh. Between that and making a Godfather offer to Sidney Rice that was so over-the-top they couldn’t even justify stupidly matching it, you’re aces in my book.

St. Louis (4-12) / “Turn The Page” (Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band) – Jeff Fisher is now on the scene, how many more bad seasons are we away from Sam Bradford entering the ranks of the “Former High Draft Picks Escorted To The Scrap Heap”? Gotta be kind of a make or break year here, right? They may be reluctant to cut bait after only 3 years, but if the results aren’t better, doesn’t the new coach get antsy to bring in “my guy”?

Arizona (4-12) / “The Pretender” (Jackson Browne) – Are you like me? Do you sit around and wonder how in the hell the Arizona Cardinals won 8 games last season? They went 4-0 in overtime games, that’s how, and that’s not going to happen again.  By the way, this what I wrote about the Cards signing Kevin Kolb last year: “Should’ve just signed Kyle Orton and saved the $40 million”

I’m rarely right, so need to point it out when I am.

NFC South
New Orleans (12-4) / “F*ck You” (Cee-Lo Green) – This one will be a case study in how much coaching affects a football team, but there would seem fewer capable of absorbing the blow than the Saints. Starting with a fairly easy schedule out of the gate and having 3 out of 5 (including the opener) at home before a Week 6 bye certainly seems to weigh in their favor.  Let the interim coaches get their sealegs in friendly conditions, with Washington, Carolina and Kansas City, before a Week 4 trip to Green Bay, they should have the nerves firmly in check.

Besides, doesn’t this whole situation have to give a team the greatest shot of “everyone’s against us” unity in history?  You don't think Drew Brees will be reminding his teammates in every huddle how nobody, particularly the NFL, wants to see them win? I could be wrong, but think they can spin this into an almost positive. 

Atlanta (10-6) / “Lie To Me” (Jonny Lang) – Barring injury, the Falcons winning 10 or 11 games seems like a lock. But after the past few years, will that get anyone even remotely excited? This team is the Bizzaro Giants and Matt Ryan is the Bizzaro Joe Flacco. They look fine during the regular season, only to be exposed as an impostor as soon as the playoffs roll around.

I read a defense of this from an Atlanta fan, pointing out that they lost to the eventual Super Bowl champion in each of the last two seasons. While true, that doesn’t do much to soften the blow of HOW they lost, particularly last year’s clunker in the Meadowlands. Guess I will bite one more time Atlanta, but if you go 12-4, then lose by 20 in the divisional round, we’re banning you from the postseason for a few years like they do in college.

Tampa Bay (7-9) / “New Kid In Town” (The Eagles) – New coach, new running back, new offensive linemen, unfortunately the same tough division. Plus they get to face the NFC East. Seems like they should be quite a bit better, but until it can be definitely stated whether Josh Freeman is good or bad, they’re in limbo.

Carolina (6-10) / “Back To Where I Was” (Eric Hutchinson) – Once again, it feels like there should be more wins here, but looking at things on a game-by-game basis makes them hard to find. The Panthers are treading water at the same record because their big move was adding a running back to a team with a great running QB and two good running backs. That being said, they are the front runners for the coveted “Funnest Bad Team To Watch” Award, so that’s something.


NFC North
Green Bay (14-2) / “One Man Wrecking Machine” (Guster) – Now here’s a spot where the opposite was happening, I was desperately trying to talk myself into fewer victories. Then I got to thinking about Aaron Rodgers and couldn’t bring myself to do it. Someone needs to explain to me why a team that went 15-1 last season plays the first two weeks and 3 of its 4 toughest games on home turf. I’d like Chicago’s chances Week 2 at Soldier Field, much less at Lambeau.

Chicago (10-6) / “Time Is Running Out” (Papa Roach) – Could be a fun Week 17 if I’m right and the Lions-Bears tilt in Detroit is win-or-go-home. The Bears defense is old, and might fade late in the season. The offensive line needs to play a lot better to keep Jay Cutler in one piece. But with that said, I’m buying in 100% on the offseason additions of Michael Bush and Brandon Marshall taking their offense from good to elite.

Detroit (9-7) / “Ironman” (Black Sabbath) – The song selection is intended to be ironic, since I couldn’t be more wary of Matthew Stafford’s fragile health. On a team with no running game to speak of, there doesn’t seem to be much chance a backup could come in a wring a victory or two out of a few weeks in the caretaker role. But you can’t ignore the upside either, and if the defense improves, the video game passing attack has the potential to make doubters look pretty stupid.

Minnesota (5-11) / "Sad Songs" (Elton John) - I'll keep this brief, as we'll have the next 4 months to berate their ineptitude, and simply say I'm not expecting much.  There is one thing I'd really like to happen though, because it will fill me with endless glee.  Please let the Vikings beat a Packers team with nothing on the line when they come to town in Week 17.  Not because beating a playoff-team that's benched all it's starters will provide any kind of comfort at the end the terrible season.  Just because it will eventually lead to me overhearing a Vikings fan talk trash to a Packer fan about that game as if it meant something.  

And then I will know who the stupidest person in this state truly is.

NFC East

Philadelphia (10-6) / “Fly Like An Eagle" (Steve Miller Band) - Perhaps a tad obvious with the song, but sometimes it's just that easy.  You might be asking how I can fret over the health of Stafford and Schaub, yet assume Vick will remain upright long enough to win a division.  Frankly I don't really have a good answer for that, just a gut feeling.  Call it the Miami Heat Model, if you will, as it seems like a bunch of big names joining up always need a year to gel and have the hype subside before reaching the original expectations.

I just hope that new flak jacket is as good as advertised.

New York Giants (9-7) / “Respect” (Aretha Franklin) – Did these records before Wednesday's game, and frankly don't feel any different based on what I saw there.  Might be falling into the trap that everyone does with the Giants, getting bored with them and finding reasons why they'll fall off.  But they were an up-and-down team last year, so why should this one be any different?  I'm just betting on other ones having fewer injuries and raising the bar on qualifying for the postseason.

Dallas (9-7) / “Theme From Dallas” (Unknown) – Did you know that when you enter "theme from" into Google, the theme from Dallas does not appear in the top 10 results?  I now do, and I find that disconcerting, as it's one of the all-time badass opening themes.

Here are the top 10:

1. A Summer Place
2. Ice Castles
3. Rocky
4. Shaft
5. A Love Story
6. Jaws
7. Mahogany
8. Chariots Of Fire
9. Top Gun
10. The Godfather

First off, what the hell are Nos. 1, 2 and 7?  No. 5 I had heard of, but couldn't place  Curiosity got the better of me, and let me just say they are all atrocious.  I have no idea who is Googling these themes with such frequency, most people over 80 typically struggle with computers.  Slow, depressing piano music does not a theme song make.  If you want slow piano, there are better sources, try guys named Bach, Beethoven and Mozart for starters.

So no Dallas, which maybe I could handle, if not for the other glaring omissions.  No Cheers?  No Hill St. Blues?  NO STAR WARS???  There are some solid themes on that list, sure, but how can those three not make the cut in any theme Top 10?  This is Exhibit A in what's wrong with America.

Throw out the four crap ones, add Dallas and the other three I've cited, and you've got yourself a list worth having.  I've linked to all of them for you listening pleasure, if you do not immediately click on Rocky and start shadow boxing, Top Gun and start playing air guitar or Chariots Of Fire and start slo-mo running, we cannot be friends.

Anyway, what were we talking about again?  Oh yeah, 9-7.

Washington (7-9) / “Running On Empty" (Jackson Browne) - At this point, I'm talking about me, not the team. 

AFC Wild Card - Baltimore over Tennessee, Denver over Buffalo
NFC Wild Card - Atlanta over Philly, Chicago over San Francisco

AFC Divisional - New England over Denver, Baltimore over Pittsburgh
NFC Divisional - Green Bay over Chicago, Atlanta over New Orleans

AFC Championship - Baltimore over New England
NFC Championship - Green Bay over Atlanta

Super Bowl - Green Bay over Baltimore

Yes, that might be a reverse jinx.

Finally Football

Well, it appears that my quest to become a paid fantasy football writer has fallen short, and that is rather disappointing.  Fortunately, that disappointment is blunted by the fact that this is the official first day of a new football season.

There is nothing like the first day of football season.

Even though the temperature is going to top out in the mid-90s, and most folks are looking forward to one last extended weekend at their lake cabins, today still marks the true beginning of autumn. For the first time in what seems like forever, we get watch football games that count, thank whatever lord it is that you believe in. Each weekend for the next twenty or so promises more of the same; a blissful thought after spending the last three months bobbing along with only a terrible baseball team and the occasional golf tournament as distractions.

I read a very interesting piece of writing yesterday entitled “Football is Dead. Long live Football.” by J.R. Moehringer for ESPN The Magazine. Not only is it the first interesting thing that I’ve ever read in ESPN The Magazine, parts of it were tough to take for your average football fan. It’s a bit lengthy, there’s no disputing that, but it is one of the few things I’ve read that highlights the good and bad of the sport equally, a difficult task for any subject that enflames such passion.

It’s been tough to enjoy being a football fan at times these last few years, and not because of anything that’s happened on the field. The stories of mental and physical ruin brought on by this game should leave even the biggest diehard wondering what we can do to better protect those who play the game. The problem, as with most things, are the extreme attitudes of some people. The “Ban Football” argument is as useless as the people who shrug off brain damaged players by saying “they knew the risks”; neither attitude is going to get us to a sustainable place with this, or any other contact sport.

Of course the comeback is to ask why bother sustaining these games at the cost of people’s health? The reply is that while they aren’t required for a functional society, the collections of behaviors they teach are things we can't afford to lose. Teamwork, sacrifice, courage, overcoming adversity, where are these learned more often than the athletic field? Take away any setting in which a kid risks injury, you also take exercise, friendship and a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves. I know it isn’t worth the price paid by some. I can’t honestly say if I’ll feel it’s worth the price I will eventually pay, when the arthritis finally shows up in my surgically-repaired knee. But I have a feeling it will be, and know there are millions more who already know that for sure.

Toward the end of Mr. Moehringer’s 120 points on football, there are several that connected with my own experiences playing the game as a kid, in particular these two:

101. I remember, when the silver dried, putting on the helmet, looking at the world through the steel face mask, feeling powerful.

102. I'd never before felt powerful.

Growing up, I was also always the biggest kid in the neighborhood, which wasn’t the most fun. Awkward on skates, couldn’t run fast, I could hit a baseball (not a complete spaz here), but the early years of hockey and soccer were not what I was cut out to do. Stepping onto a football field was a revelation, the first time I felt at ease in my own skin. I was no great athlete, never got to wow anyone with bullet throws or acrobatic catches, but every time my hand went into the grass, I was in my element.

Because the guy making the block mattered as much as the guy running the ball. You were part of a unit that rose and fell together.  There was nothing greater than knowing something good just happened because you and 10 other guys did their jobs to perfection.

This feeling isn’t unique to the game of football, but it is the place I’ve felt it most strongly in my life.  That probably explains why I can sit down, anytime, anyplace, and enjoy two teams squaring off. Many of my friends feel the same way about hockey, but the sport being discussed is immaterial, the sentiment is always the same. It’s the feeling of team, and at the risk of sounding like someone’s grizzled grandfather, it seems like something today’s kids could use more of.

So tonight, as I sit down to watch the Minnesota Golden Gophers, in all their typically inept (and occasionally infuriating) glory, I am going to savor the beginnings of another football season. It seems almost useless to try and prognosticate how the maroon-and-gold will do this year, every season lately has been more confusing than the last. The schedule looks soft, you begin to talk yourself into the possibility of “a strong start, then who knows?”, only to be slammed back to Earth by a drubbing at the hands of one of the supposed creampuffs.

This year we’re once again talking baby steps. We’re talking about the first Jerry Kill recruiting class, about a senior QB maybe reaching his potential, about beating the teams a member of the Big Ten should beat.  Most importantly, we’re talking football again, and that feels pretty damn good.

There's one other item from the ESPN piece that I thought was fantastic, a quote from linebacker Takeo Spikes:

"You can lock me up in solitary confinement for a couple of years, never tell me the date, never tell me the month, anything, and I could tell you what month it is, and I could tell you when it's football season, that's how much it's been embedded in me."

Couldn't have said it better myself, ditto.

Moral(e) Victory

I've never been a big moral victory guy.

It's easy to understand why coaches and players need to pull positive points from overall negative situations, particularly when they're focusing on the future.  Playing even during the second half, consistently moving the ball, showing some flashes, this is the language of teams who just got beat...but got beat by less than they were supposed to.  It's a effective tool when used sparingly, but go to the well too often, and you'll be dismissed as a buffoon.

Gopher football has always been the most fertile ground from which to harvest moral victories, and Old Farmer Brewster the greatest purveyor it's ever known.  Cherry-picking the good points and glossing over the bad worked for awhile.  But once your major highlight is the fact that you've scored last in all your blowout losses, you've taken a left turn from Positivetown to Delusionville.

That's why this is such an odd feeling, on a weekend where both local football teams lost, the main thought running through my head was: "Hey, that could've been much worse!"

Sure, the Gophers got blown out of the water early, but at least managed to keep things from descending into another 50-point abyss.  The Vikings hung in with the NFL's best team, even having an outside shot to win the game, while getting a bit of spark from their new rookie QB.  Heck, even the Wild managed to scrape up a point in Vancouver before losing in OT.  A trifecta of "good" losses, if there is such a thing. 

Would any of this be viewed with a shred of positivity if the bar hadn't been lowered to ridiculous levels?  Of course not. But when you're on a forced march through the barren desert, you need to talk yourself into the idea that their might be an oasis just over the next dune.  Helps you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There are no Vikings or Gopher fans, or at least none who would be considered sane in a court of law, still holding out hope for the 2011 season.  That was entinguished some time ago, if it ever really existed to being with.  Now we get to kick back, and enjoy the season without all the angst of impending playoff doom.  Sure there's still a bit of ongoing drama related to the fact that our team could end up playing it's home games a thousand miles away in the near future, but let's put that aside and focus on the positive.

Because Christian Ponder looked pretty good, or at least good by comparison.  People like me, who were concerned about starting a rookie from day one, were reminded that a rookie is an upgrade, when the alternative is a corpse.  He ran around a bit, made a few plays, gave them a chance; with this supporting cast, that's all we can ask for.  Of course, this does not mean that we should expect long-term success, my bust expectation has not changed.  But it is intriguing, and at the moment, that's all we can ask for.

Not throwing bouquets at everyone though, so I'll end an oddly optimistic blog with some venomous invective.

My hatred for Broncos QB Tim Tebow is well-chronicled, most notably here.  The events of the past 24 hours have brought me to a very important decision:

Be it know that as of today, October 24th, in the year of our lord 2011, Tim Tebow shall be dubbed the official nemesis of the Loserville Chronicles.

Why?  Well the short answer is because everyone needs a nemesis, as we learned from the Count of Monte Cristo.  Love may be good for writing songs, but it's grudges, and the settling of scores, that keep things moving along. Do you think American society would be anywhere near where it is today if not for the Soviet threat pushing things for half a century?  Everyone needs somebody to keep them on their toes, I'm up to 5 or 6 different nemeses these days.  Not a list you want to be on, trust me, nevermind the fact that most of them don't know who I am.

Why specifically Tebow?  Can't say there's really a logical basis for hating him personally, but the fervor of his supporters alone offers ample reason to want him to fail.

I'll let regular reader Brent from Denver explain:

I was getting to the point of being able to tolerate my city's home team....

I went to lunch. When I first get into my car, Rome is talking Tebow. Change the channel, Cowherd is talking Tebow. Change to the local guys....talking Tebow. Get home to eat, turn on sports center, they are breaking down plays from Tebow's game. Get back in the car to come to work and here is a paraphrased phone call from a local rube:

"All these national guys are drooling over what Ponder did in Minnesota and nobody is giving Tebow any credit. Ponder is surrounded by all those wepons. He threw for under 50% just like Tebow, yet they say Ponder is so great. But Tebow won! Ponder didn't. I don't understand why he gets no credit".

I am not over stating this. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A QB PLAY WORSE THAN TEBOW DID YESTERDAY. NEVER. If Tebow played like Spurgeon Wynn, they would have won that game by 14 points.

One could understand that view coming from Denver, but even at a bar in Minnesota, the Tebow comeback was greeted with a roar typically reserved for Vikings TDs.  It would appear that a whole lot of people out there are on board, and there's nothing that irritates me more than the blind awarding of underserved credit.

I never hated Michael Phelps, just Phelps fans.  Never hated LeBron James (well, never before The Decision at least), just hated the media for creating an endless two-year saga leading up to his impending free agency.  Never even hated Brett Favre, just the godlike status afforded to him.  But I am starting to hate Tim Tebow, because he's trending closer to Kim Kardashian than any of the athletes previously mentioned, making headlines more on the basis of his image than his ability.

Oh sure, there are accomplishments galore when it comes to football, but much of the Tebow admiration has nothing to do with the game he plays.  That makes me uneasy, as the game is my only concern .  I respect the guy's belief system, that's his business, and a personal thing.  But I support separation of church and sport, and the best way I see to avoid more abortion ads during the Super Bowl is for Tim Tebow's career to flame out quickly and completely.

Do I recognize the silliness in what I just wrote, criticizing the upstanding citizen while a Vikings defensive back sits jailed on a domestic assault charge that includes the word "strangulation"?  Of course I do.  This is sports hate, we'll leave the true hate for real life.

But that's the point, this isn't real life, this is sports, so no cross-pollinating with the parts of life that actually matter.  You keep hopping over the line Mr. Tebow, not to mention your supporters are really annoying, so here's hoping you're gone from the league very soon.

Nothing personal, nemesis.

Unpleasant realities

Don't panic, that's what they'll try and tell you.

It's still so early, there's no reason to think things can't still work out.  Plenty of time, just remain calm.

Besides, this isn't a surprise, or at least it shouldn't have been, you knew the odds were stacked against you going in.  Trying to drum up a few reasons for optimism is one thing, deluding yourself into thoughts of success, quite another.

They're right in some regards, at least the part about being honest with yourself.  As for the part about it still being early, well that just might mean we've got a whoooooole lot of bad football to sit through before things are finished.

I offer no opinions, simply numbers, judge them as you will...

1999: As in the year of our lord, nineteen hundred and ninety-nine, the last time that New Mexico State University beat a team from a BCS conference.

0: Number of longtime Gopher fans who can honestly say they were shocked by the upset

2: Number of seconds it appeared that the caliber of Gopher football might've actually killed one of their coaches.  Honestly thought we might have one of these situations on our hands, glad that wasn't the case.

39: Number of passing yards amassed by Donovan McNabb in 4 quarters of football last Sunday.

117: Corresponding number of feet

20: Feet from my couch to the fridge

61: Estimated number of yards I outgained McNabb by while grabbing beers on Sunday

1: Number of beer fridges that need to be purchased for the living room

197: Tavaris Jackson's passing yardage

309.6: Average passing yards throw for by the other three NFC North QBs

8: Number of games it would take McNabb to ammass that total at his current pace

13: Number of games it would take to equal the 511 yards Tom Brady threw for last night

187: Vikings total offensive yardage

143: Patriots offensive yardage on two first-quarter TD drives

7,482: Total passing yards in Week One, more than any other week in NFL history

245: Average passing yards per team

14: Quarterbacks who threw for over 300 yards

Infinitely: How much worse this makes McNabb's day look by comparison

3: Number of my fantasy football teams that lost (out of 3 leagues)

6-10: My record picking games against the spread

11-5: My sister's record, using a system based mostly on who would win a fight between team mascots

2.5: Over/under on how many more weeks like this I'll be able to take before changing my name and disappearing to the wilds of Canada

Hallelujah

After a series of false starts that would've made Ryan Cook blush, and more contradictions than a David Kahn press conference, it appears that fate has finally smiled upon America's football fans.  That's right fellow pigskin lovers, our long national nightmare appears to be over: NFL football is back.

Most of us felt like this would happen, after weeks of listening to reports of a deal being close, it was difficult to believe that actual dollars would be forefeited through the cancellation of games.  After all, this was the free money of preseason that was about to be squandered, the part of the season that teams get to extort their season ticketholders into paying for under threat of no regular season ducats.  Any business that can strong arm it's customers into paying full price for an admittedly substandard product is not going to let that opportunity fall by the wayside.

But even the comfort of knowing that push was finally coming to shove, with a tangible consequence emerging after 4 months of inaction, was not enough to totally dispell fears of a doomsday scenario.  What if some other hidden caveat emerged that scuttled the whole thing?  What if some element of the various legal manuvers cropped up in the 11th hour?  The common sense argument of "these guys aren't possibly dumb enough to screw up their license to print money" still wasn't enough to completely convince that things were on track.  Not to mention that the steady stream of reports, rumors and retractions made it tough to follow anything that was going on, you were better off unpugging and just waiting the thing out.

Because even if you knew things would eventually work themselves out, and football would be played, there remained questions about the quality.  Would teams have enough time to effectively prepare?  Would a rash of injuries ravage the league due to lack of conditioning? Now it appears we finally have closure, and not a moment too soon if you watched any of the Twins series over the weekend.  I can only assume these developments are due to the fact that Roger Goodell reads the blog and was unsettled by the anger in my post from earlier this month.  Along the same lines, Minnesota Govenor Mark Dayton fashioned an agreement to end the state shutdown one day after that post appeared.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Next I turn my attention toward this debt ceiling thing that Congress seems to be having so much trouble with, give me a couple of days.

Beer?  Check. Football?  Check.  Baseball team in it's death rattle creating a serious need for something else to occupy my time?  Check.  Starting tomorrow, it's going to be a whirlwind few days, so hold onto your hat.  But first, take a moment to reflect, and thank whatever higher power you believe is running things that football is back.

Beermageddon

Honestly, is there anyone left in this country who can get things done?

Everywhere you look, from the NFL, to the NBA, to the state of Minnesota and the federal government, nobody seems to be able to roll up their sleeves and solve the problems of the day.  Instead they throw up their hands, let things collapse and devote their energy to pissing and moaning about how tough the other side is to deal with.  It seems like American society has simply unleashed it's collective Nero, shrugging shoulders and pointing fingers while everything around them burns.

Normally I wouldn't involve myself with such squabbles, since they're more rigged than carnival games, but now things are hitting way to close to home.  Like any other American, I am a collective pile of self-interest.  There are some magnanimous moments and a general hope that good things happen to all the good people out there, but by and large I care about my own lot in life.  My family, my friends, my neighborhood are what matters, beyond that the task just seems too daunting.  90% of people are the same way, but the problem is only 50% of them admit it, the others are self-righteous ***holes.

Don't mistake this as a political position, because I'm not talking about taxes.  I can only hope to one day hand over hundreds of thousands of dollars to the government on an annual basis, because that means at least that much is going into my pocket.  Now is the part where the high wage earners scoff and say "Let's see if you're singing the same tune when that happens", but that's why I'm putting it on paper now, come back and show this to me some day.  Because all I want is a number, give me a number, take it out of the check, and leave me the hell alone.  I'll caveat this by saying, if the number gets to high, I reserve the right to just stay home, but otherwise we should get along fine.

In exchange for this, the only ask is some decent facilities to attend games in, football to watch in the fall, some chicken wings to eat and a cold beer to wash it down.  The basic distraction that any fat, dumb and happy American sportsfan should hold alongside freedom of speech as a God-given right.  Sounds simple, right?  Apparently not.

Because now there's no football, and soon, thanks to our hard-working legislature, there will soon be no beer.  At least not the kind you watch a game with, no Miller Lite, no Coors Light, no joke, in the state of Minnesota, at least until this shutdown nonsense is solved.  Worse yet, there are a bunch of bars that could run out of booze compeltely, without the ability to restock!  I don't know about the particulars, and I don't care, it's just becoming very clear that the people in charge of several large enterprises need a significant wake-up call.  We've all got enough of our own problems to worry about with piling on the fact that none of you seem able to do your jobs.

To the NFL and the state of Minnesota, I will simply say you have a very unsatisfied customer on your hands.  I'm not threatening you, only saying that if I don't have football on TV and a cold Coors on tap come the second Sunday in September, I will not be responsible for my actions.  Please realize that your silly little stands on principle means nothing.  All of you old men owning NFL teams will die and turn to dust, an extra hundred million in the bank will make no difference.  All of you state reps and senators, please realize that things are in decline and has been for some time.  It gets back to entropy, and all systems breaking down.  An egg breaks, silt forms a delta at the mouth of a river, water shapes a stone and a building weathers.  These things move only in one direction, ever downward, why are you letting it bother you so much?  Especially when half the world thinks the actions you're taking to stop it are completely incorrect?

Look, I'm not saying we should throw in the towel on everything, but I'm a realist.  One of these days the rapture will come, or the sun will explode, or some other catastrophic thing will end life as we know it.  It won't be anyone's fault, it will just be.  And when that does occur, won't you feel a bit silly for the time you wasted putting trying to stick your fingers in the dyke? (Easy...)  Wouldn't you rather be holding a cold one and watching the game?  Particularly in the sun scenario?

Sorry to be a downer, but it's a downer sort of day.  I need a beer...while there's still time.