Eleven days into November, and nary a post, that is a bad job by me. Some of it was by chance, the last few days have been by choice. Minnesota sports teams have begun to right the ship in my absence, and being the superstitious type, I wanted to see how far the Wild could stretch their winning streak before messing with things.
Christian Ponder led the Vikings capably in the last two games, even winning one, no doubt due to his burning desire to prove me wrong. I'm not ready to admit defeat of my anti-Ponder platform just yet, but since I typically end up on the wrong side of most things, it should be coming before the end of the season. Gopher football won back the treasured golden pig from Iowa, and gave Michigan St. all they could handle last week. The corner hasn't exactly been turned, but signs of life are always welcome, as is the avoidance of becoming a historical laughingstock.
And it's not just football flourishing in this, the city of (extremely recent) winners, the hockey teams are getting in on the act as well. Although the Wild dropped a stinkbomb in San Jose last night, their recent wining streak gives hope that they might keep things interesting, at the very least, throughout the long cold winter. Then there's the best of the bunch, Gopher hockey, who swept my Fighting Sioux squad back to Grand Forks and grabbed a #1 national ranking. I can't say that I'm overjoyed about this, but have to give respect where it's due. At least just about all my friends are happy.
As the token Sioux fan in the midst of a bunch of Gopher diehards, it's been a pleasant few years. Watching my team struggle while a Gopher team sits atop the polls is something I haven't had to deal with in quite some time. Because of my fatalistic nature, I expect it to happen every year, but expecting and getting are two far different things. Now the inevitable has come to pass, the Gophers are once again good at hockey...and that's probably not the worst thing in the world.
Because everyone needs a rough patch here and there to keep them humble. Being insufferable when your team is up means you get it back twice as bad when they're down. I don't think I've been too much of a-hole the past few years, but I also haven't had to listen to me. If some people disagree, and are looking for a bit of payback, that's fine. Getting some flak comes with the territory.
This whole thing got me thinking, in a broader sense, what is it that really annoys us about opposing fans? I mean the behaviors that make you want to gouge the offender's eyes out while laughing maniacally? (Is that just me?) Sure, drunken loudmouth strangers are one thing, there will never be any redeeming qualities there. But what about the people you see frequently? Friends, co-workers, family members, even spouses in some cases, the people we need to coexist with, who are the true jerks among them, worthy of endless scorn?
More specifically, do I deserve to get killed by my mob of Gopher-loving buddies over the next few weeks, or can I legitimately expect them to lay off a bit?
Some of it comes back to the Golden Rule, and you should get back as much as you have doled out. But you're probably thinking "That's pretty wishy-washy, why can't someone come up with some sort of numeric rating system for fan obnoxiousness?"
Well, since you asked, I'd like to introduce the Fan Insufferability Index (FII)
The Basics
The way I see it, there are five dimensions to what makes an annoying/grating/want-to-punch-this-guy-in-the-face kind of fan, and a couple that go a long way in redeeming some of those qualities. We rate all of these factors on a scale from 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest), add up the bad ones, subtract the good ones, and come up with a composite picture of just how big an asshole each of us is. It's like golf, the lower your score, the better.
Homerism
The home team can do no wrong, and if they do, it was caused by some outside influence. A '10' in this category would argue that Chris Cook acted in self-defense and the Loveboat was a setup. Their team never commits a penalty; if they're called for one, it's obviously some sort of league-wide conspiracy. The lack of objectivity displayed makes watching games with them impossible, it's like sitting next to an Edina hockey mom who screams bloody murder any time someone gets within 10 feet of her precious angel.
What I would score myself: 2
What I think others would score me: 3
I've never been inclined to give my teams the benefit of the doubt on much of anything. But like any fan, feel the need to talk myself into certain things on occasion. We've all been through the ritual of drumming up hope for a mediocre team at the beginning of a new season, doing the "if this happens, and that happens, and this happens, and that happens, we might be pretty good" routine. A good rule of thumb is, if the list goes beyond two, they're probably going to stink.
Negativity
Homerism's less common, but equally annoying, cousin. From kickoff/puck drop/tipoff on, a fan cursed with negativity expects the worst and makes sure everyone around them knows it. Many people go into games nervous about a bad matchup or talent deficit, but they still hope for the best and deal with things going poorly. The negatives expect failure, and use every bad thing that happens, no matter how minor, as evidence to reinforce their point. This is the type of person who watches the opponent score on the opening drive of a football game, throws their hands up and exclaims "I knew we'd blow it". The type that will walk around all day before a big game, downplaying the team's chances with statements like "I just hope they don't embarrass themselves". Other people wonder why they watch in the first place, and wish they'd just stay home if they're going to be such a whiny bitch about everything.
What I would score myself: 8
What I think others would score me: 10
I've been working on this the past couple of years, honestly I have, and think there's been some improvement. Unfortunately, you don't shed a well-earned reputation very easily. At least I've proven that I can poke fun at my fatalism, such as the opening night of a Twins season a couple years ago, when I declared the season over after the first batter struck out. The fact that I had to clarify it was a joke told me maybe I'd taken this a bit too far, it's tough to fight history.
Trash Talk
Most of the banter between opposing parties at a game is perfectly understandable, sometimes even highly entertaining. A good-natured back and forth is one of the hallmarks of being a fan, and a bit of that is to be expected, especially when walking into enemy territory with your team's colors on. But with that said, there's a certain class of people out there who take things way too far. Watching the game became secondary to them a long time ago, now their number one objective is to get in the face of anyone and everyone they can find who's rooting for the wrong side. It doesn't matter if their team is winning, losing, or not even playing, they just chirp, chirp, chirp, all the livelong day.
And the ones who sit around all evening, quiet as a churchmouse, then start in with the "I told you"s once the final whistle sounds? Well they should just walk outside and light themselves on fire. You are a fraud, sir, and a coward, who nobody likes. Good day.
What I would score myself: 2
What I think others would score me: 2
Trash talk has never been my thing, mainly because I'm really bad at it. For starters, I don't really believe much of what's said when talking my teams up. I'm always picturing the worst case scenario, and just want to escape with a win, forget rubbing anyone's face in it. Not to mention the other guy always gets under my skin more than I get under his. Get left fuming while he's laughing it off. I know a lot of people consider it part of the fun, but for me, it's just not an activity that's worth engaging in.
Idiocy
The most despicable of the five deadly sports sins in my mind is simply not knowing what the hell you are talking about. You can be an over-the-top homer, or a withering font of negativity, but please, for the love of God, know what the #!*&^% you are talking about!!! A fan afflicted with idiocy will tell you that the Twins beat the Yankees in the playoffs one year, just can't pin down which. They are positive that Thomas Vanek was from Germany, Duluth East beat Apple Valley in the 1996 high school championship game, and Cris Carter played for the Giants before the Vikings. It's not being wrong that's the problem, it's the 100% certainty and conviction that they bring to their incorrectness. Perhaps this bother me more than others, because I'm a trivia geek, but the facts of history are only the foundation for every argument and debate that comes up, SO IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT TO GET THEM RIGHT!!! I thought about calling this category "Knowledge" and spinning it in a positive light, but that's not appropriate. Having the correct facts and figures should not be a point in your favor, just the price of admission, it is only the idiots that need to be singled out.
What I would score myself: 0
What I think others would score me: 0
Say what you will about other areas of my comportment as a fan, I know my shit. I didn't spend a week reading the baseball almanac cover-to-cover as a kid so I could get my facts wrong. I did it because of a slight OCD tendency, coupled with an borderline unhealthy infatuation with sports. At any rate, smartphones and Google are helping to nip this blight on society in the bud, just not fast enough.
Superstition/Insanity
Do you ever find yourself re-creating the routines you went through before the last big win your team had? Insisting on watching at the same bar, ordering the same meal, sitting in the same spot? Have a 'lucky' shirt or jersey that is cared for delicately, and only broken out for the most important occasions?
Yeah, me neither, I was just making that stuff up, forget I said anything.
What I would score myself: 8
What I think others would score me: 6 (only because they don't know the half of it
I'm a superstitious person by nature, won't walk under a ladder, or pick up a penny lying tails-up. Not sure why, they just seem like simple acts that are easily avoided, so why tempt fate? Sports are the same way, I'm sure it doesn't help, but it can't hurt either. So if I want to come up with a complex set of actions involving tapping my foot, touching my ear, taking a sip of beer and drumming five times on the bar in front of me (not 4, not 6, 5!) before each pitch of a playoff baseball game, what difference does it make to you? I apologize for nothing! Yet people have been irritated by these things in the past, so I include it.
The total of these would be your Gross FII, now on to the things that need to be netted against it...
Dedication
If you're there supporting your team, year in, year out, thick, thin and otherwise, that goes a long way in mitigating some of the more annoying behaviors. The prior discussion of Gopher hockey is a perfect example, as most of the people I know have been attending and watching games religiously over the past few years, regardless of the team's struggles. Some of them may be flaming homers, but at least they're consistent, no jumping ship with these guys. Contrast that with some other fans, who didn't let the fact they hadn't seen a game in two years stop them from piling on with zingers this week, and you'll get what I'm talking about. This isn't to say that you can never miss a few games if you want to call yourself a fan, that would be silly. But if you want to beat your chest when the team is up, you'd better not be MIA when they're struggling. If so, I will politely tell you to GFY.
What I would score myself: 7
What I think others would score me: 8
I will accept many criticisms, but not in this area. For better or for worse, I've cast my lot, and won't be going anywhere. Now if the team decides to, then all bets are off...
Passion
If you love holding yourself up as a huge fan, but your team losing doesn't really bother you, then you're suspect. In my mind, being a fan should be about winning games and titles first. The perks of having the upper hand in arguments with opposing fans is an enjoyable, but distant, second. Anyone who spends three hours trying to irritate people over something they don't really care that much about is a bigger fan of being a d!ck than watching sports. You don't have to go home and do the fetal position/dark room/softly weeping thing, but if it doesn't mean something, why do you bother?
What I would score myself: 10
What I think others would score me: 10
Probably go too far with this, fortunately with each passing year, the bar on heartbreak gets raised, and each big loss hurts a bit less. That being said, if the Vikings ever make a Super Bowl, I will be watching from a padded room.
So how did I score myself? Let's go to the tale of the tape:
Homerism = 2
Negativity = 8
Trash Talk = 2
Idiocy = 0
Superstition = 8
Gross FII = 20
- Dedication = 7
- Passion = 10
Net FII = 3
Not a bad score, although I'm just scoring myself, others might see things quite differently (and perhaps more clearly).
What would the FII numbers be for other types of fans? I could hazard a guess on a couple general profiles.
Your grandpa (-20)
A perfect score, probably unattainable for anyone under age 60, not yet mellow enough. Grandad just likes going down to the Gopher football games every week, throwing the stadium blanket over his lap, tuning in the handheld radio to WCCO (old habits die hard), changing it to the FAN and enjoying the day. He doesn't whine, complain, bitch, moan or carp, just enjoys a day at the game. Being shot at by Germans has a way of making sports seem trivial.
That motherf*cker in your office (+20)
Everybody has one, they lie in wait while their team stinks, then pounce as soon as something falls their way. This guy may love his team (Passion = 10), but he's also a deluded (Homerism = 10) loudmouth (Trash Talk = 10) who couldn't tell you what their record was last year (Idiocy = 10). The only thing he knows is that you're a fan of the opposing team, and his team beat yours, nevermind that last week you were explaining to him which guys on his squad graduated last year.
The casual bandwagoner (0)
I don't mean bandwagon in a negative sense here, just somebody who got into a team when things are going well. Their desire for a win may overrule their better judgement at times (Homerism = 5), but it's fun to add another fan to the fold (Passion = 5). Otherwise, they know enough to know that they don't know much (Idiocy = 0) and are sort of new to the whole experience (Dedication = 0), kind of a blank slate.
Well, I suppose that's enough rambling for one day, time to sit back, tinker with the formula a bit and start rating some friends. Gladly, for my sake, most will score pretty well.
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