The Hall of Pain

Huh, I guess this Facebook thing might catch on after all.  Always seemed like a fad to me, but apparently people really like it, who knew.

If you haven't read any of my ramblings before, then you're squarely among the majority of the world's population.  I like to think of this blog as the bizzaro McDonald's, billions and billions unserved. 

My basic problem in life (well, one of several) is that I'm a huge sportsfan in a town where every team is prone to sucking.  The only time they stop sucking for a spell is when they're setting you up for some kind of catastrophic letdown.  There are 12 cities in this country that have teams in the 4 major sports, and with apologies to D.C., this one is the worst of the bunch.  Next October marks 20 years since the last title and at this point, going another 20 seems very possible.

I know Cleveland and Buffalo get thrown into the mix as historic losers, but at least they don't endure 4 different failures every season.  Being a fan here is like being an abused spouse, they beat on us, and we keep coming back for more, hoping that someday things will change. 

But what else are you going to do, jump ship?  Not an option.  I may hate that these teams are my teams, but they are, and that's not going to change.  You gotta believe.  And you have to find an outlet for the alternating waves of rage and despair, so here we are.

In the meantime, here's a little something that I like to call the Minnesota Sports Hall of Pain, the worst things that have happened since a banner was last raised.  Interesting thing is, when I first wrote this 18 months ago, it was in the hopes that we were done with this type of crushing blow.  These days, with 4 non-playoff teams in town, I'd kill for the chance just to get back to the big game and lose, at least you can enjoy the ride.  It's like Entourage versus the Sopranos. 

When the Sopranos decided to end their show with the worst final episode of all time, people were angry that such a great run could have such a crappy ending.  But at least you got a great run out of it.  When Entourage ended last Sunday, it similarly sucked, but the sucking was expected.  Things had been on the decline, like a bad baseball team that hangs around past the All-Star break.  The flaws were too numerous to overlook.  You keep watching because you're already invested, but deep down you know it's going to end badly.

Vikings

12 Men In The Huddle/Fumblaya/Balls On The Ground (2010) - When your team outgains the opponent 475-257, has 31 first downs to their 15, and loses?  Well that's just when you want to hope you don't have any guns in the house.  In fact I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Take A Knee (1999) - The gold standard of Vikings futility, at least as far as my life has been concerned, but personally the 2010 debacle beats the 1999 one.  That was a long time to wait, how much is it going to suck if they take another decade to get back again?  Come on you evil bastards, at least get my dad a title before he dies, 50 years of this nonsense should be enough.  To think ten years ago I didn't believe in curses, now I'm ready to track down the guy who hit the ref with the whiskey bottle after the Drew Pearson catch and kill him.  That may sound a tad excessive, but things are getting desparate.

41-Doughnut (2001) - Didn't have the rip-your-heart-out factor that the other two brought, but made up for it by being an abject embarrassment. The kind of game that makes you wish your team had lost the week before, for no other reason than at least you might've had an entertaining football game to watch.

Twins


Bumble In The Bronx (2004) - Game 2, 2004 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. The scrappy underdog Twins are poised to take a commanding 2-0 series lead over the hated Yankees, following a Torii Hunter home run in the top of the 12th inning which made the score 6-5. Unfortunately All-Star closer Joe Nathan implodes in the bottom of the inning,issuing back-to-back walks in the bottom of the inning, including one to the #9 hitter, and allowing both to come around to score.

Bumble In The Bronx - The Sequel (2009) - Game 2, 2009 ALDS, Yankees vs. Twins. Swap 2-0 lead for 1-1 tie and A-Rod for #9 hitter in the previous section, and you've got it.  Yankee mystique 2, Nathan psyche 0; it's a shame he wasn't heathly for last year's playoff so they could've attempted the sweep.  The Twins playoff losing streak against the Yankees is now an elementary schooler, and he's a mouthy bastard.

Timberwolves

Rush Hour (2004) - Game 6, 2004 Western Conference Finals. A win here could've sent the Wolves back home with a chance to advance to the finals, instead Kareem Rush rolls in averaging 2.5 points per game and proceeds to hit six 3-pointers, Lakers win by 6.  There would've been no shame in losing to the Lakers, but when you shut down all their best players and the last guy on the bench kills you?  hat stung.

The first, last and only run of the Kevin Garnett Era, this is the high water mark of a franchise that has been reeling ever since.

North Stars/Wild

Jose Can You See (2008) - Game 5, 2008 Western Conference Quarterfinals. Earlier in the playoffs than many of the previously mentioned defeats, but just as brutal, given the circumstances. A Wild team with high hopes for the playoffs coming off it's first division title drops the pivotal game in a 2-2 series, outshooting the Colorado Avalanche by a whopping 40-17 margin, but falling by a 3-2 score. One of the most frustrating games I've ever watched in my life, as the Wild dominated up and down the ice, but couldn't solve Avs netminder Jose Theodore. Adding insult to injury, Colorado got it's 2nd and 3rd tallies only a minute apart in the 3rd period, stealing a game they never deserved to win.

F**k Giguere (2003) - No clever name.  The Western Conference finals was wrecked by this clown and his gigantic pads.  Sure the Wild weren't supposed to be there, but neither was Anaheim, everyone forgets they were they were the #7 seed to Minnesota's #6.  Our guys not only got swept, they scored one goal in four games.  One goal.  Four games.  It almost doesn't seem possible, but it happened.
THUD! (1991) - Game 6, 1991 Stanley Cup Finals. A Cinderella run by the North Stars hits midnight with an unceremonius 8-0 drubbing at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Tough to look at this one as too disappointing, given that the Stars delivered way more than people ever expected, but what a buzzkill. I still remember sitting in the basement, watching goal after goal get pumped in by the Pens, it was about as wide a gap in talent I've ever seen in a championship round, if you feel like reliving it, here you go: http://game6.nhl91.com/

So there it is, my own personal trip through sports hell.  Frankly it's been cathartic and reminded me that as bad as things can get, they could always be worse.

There's always next year.