Thrown to the Wolves

A friend of mine who's been the biggest supporter of this blog since day one told me the other day that he was looking forward to hearing my thoughts on the hiring of Rick Adelman as the new coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves.  Since he's been the biggest fan and most frequent commenter on my writing, I figure that I should grant that request...even though he's not going to like what I have to say.

I try not to talk about the local "professional" basketball squad, expressly because of people like the aforementioned individual.  Fans who remain loyal to the club because it's their hometown team, and keep hoping one day to see a payoff for all they've suffered through.  Remember what your mothers taught you, if you can't say anything nice, then leave the room and post an angry screed of invective on the internet.  Just don't go piling on to a bunch of people who already know exactly what it is their dealing with.  When you tell a fan of a Minnesota team their squad sucks, you're not providing any new info, just being a dick.

Astonishingly, there are apparently still a large number of people who feel this way about the Wolves, including many friends of mine. These guys are the ultimate gluttons for punishment. Remember those Samsonite commericals where the suitcase were thrown down stairs, fell off baggage trucks, etc?  Being a Wolves fan is kind of like that, only if someone took a dump in said suitcase, stuffed you inside, then threw it down those stairs. The moral of the story being, when you follow the Wolves, it's impossible not to get sh*t on.

The NBA is much more of an ala carte situation for me, like sports sushi.  When something looks like a high-quality product good, I sample, but it's not a spot where you roll the dice on anything questionable.  I spare the dedicated souls my critiques, because the last thing anyone wants to hear when they're trying to make the best of a bad situation is someone standing over their shoulder telling them how much everything sucks. It's like that prick you know know who lives in California and goes out of his way to alert you how nice the weather is everytime it snows a foot in your town. Sure you can rest easy with the knowledge that someday they'll reside in the 9th circle of hell with Judas Iscariot, but that's a comfort colder than the temps outside.

But since the question was asked, and it's timely, I'll just say they will probably continue to be mediocre-to-bad for the rest of my life.

Everyone agrees that they made the best possible hire. But there are so many things fundamentally flawed about this franchise that it probably won't matter. In 20 years of existence, there's been one brilliant decision (Kevin Garnett), many head-scratchers (Mike James, Troy Hudson) and one apocalyptically bad one (Joe Smith).  Even the moves that looked okay on paper, like Ray Allen-for-Stephon Marbury, ended in catastrophe.  One of my favorite saying is that even a broken clock is right twice a day, and that's one better than the Wolves have done on major decisions in the past 20 years.

Funny thing is, you can't kill them for their desparate reaches without first noting that they can't catch a damn break.  Exhibit A is their NBA lottery history, as this year was the first time that the ping-pong balls ever allowed for a move up.  Some of that can be overcome with savvy drafting, but that's like pitting me against Adrian Peterson in a footrace.  Technically we both have the necessary equipment, two legs, but that is where all similarities cease.  In this case I'm operating with a degree of difficulty called being me.

The 1992 debacle of Chirstian Laettner 3rd, behind Shaq and Alonzo Mourning has been done to death, but there are more worth noting.  Glenn Robinson, Jason Kidd and Grant Hill go top 3, we get Donyell Marshall 4th.  Chris Webber, Penny Hardaway and Jamal Mashburn, same deal, while we were left with the outrageously entertaining (but completely psychotic) J.R./Junior/Isaiah Rider.  I could go on, but I'll spare you; point is, if you look back at history, the players they never got a shot at is a far more impressive list than the players passed over.

So now enter Adelman, who comes to this circus with a nice resume, and should have the team looking relevant in time.  Who knows, maybe even make a playoff push in a couple of years?  But history suggest rather strongly that it will end the same as it ever has: A catastrophic injury, a free-agent skips town, a star forces a trade for a fraction of his value, you know the drill. I swear I don't go out of my way to be fatalistic, but 20 years of worst case scenario makes it hard to consider anything else being possible.

The big positive could be the ouster of GM David Kahn, who's done a decent job cleaning up a roster that was filled with bad contracts, but doesn't seem to have a handle on building a basketball team.  They can deny it all they want, but one look at his resume screamed "3rd choice". Here's hoping he gets into a pissing match with the new $25 million coach, because that'd be easier to handicap than the aforementioned race from a couple paragraphs back.

(Quick aside, Kahn used to be a sportswriter in Portland, and the Star Tribune published one of his old columns from his days covering the Trailblazers the other day, it's a must-read if you're familiar with his work as a GM.

First off, it's interesting to be reminded that he was a sportswriter when so many people thought it would be such a radical move to hire Bill Simmons two years ago.  At the time I thought, what have we got to lose?  Turns out we would've missed out on quite a bit of comedy.  But that would've been at least balanced out by the book Simmons would've written about his time on the job.  Calling it a wash.

Secondly, that article is a hilarious read, if only for all the rips he throws at the front office. No business handling basketball decisions? No front office has a worse reputation? Hmm, where have I heard these things said recently? That's right. it was about you Dave! The story about computerized scouting reports is a dead ringer for when you told Chris Webber the Wolves would be a better franchise, BECAUSE YOU STARTED SERVING BREAKFAST!!!

I'll miss him when he's gone, I really will.  Hopefully in a year or two, when they hire a real GM, they can keep him on for comic relief.  As a matter of fact, this might be a brilliant strategy, sort of a Trojan Horse type of thing.  Put Kahn out there talking to people all offseason, make it seem like he's in charge, then BOOM!, spring the real GM on them when it's time to negotiate.  There's something there.)

Anyway, to the few people out there who love the Wolves, and want them to succeed, I'm with you.  Just in more of a metaphorical sense than actually attending games, getting invested in the team, etc.  I like to think of myself as not being too bandwagon, but with this team, I actually consider it a point of pride.  Like a dog who doesn't eat his own turds, watching another dog and thinking "Good God, how can he stand the taste!"

But hey, I'm talking about other fans there, not you guys...as far as you know :)