First off, a quick eulogy for one of the things that made this year's NFL season so anticipated, the 2011 Minnesota Twins.
In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance, you haven't, the Twins were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention this week, mercifully ending the worst season in my lifetime not featuring the words "batting 4th, the first baseman, Scott Stahoviak". The year started off bad, showed a few flashes of life, then descended quickly into unwatchability. It was just that things went bad in all facets, it was that the pillars of the team that looked so rock-solid reasonably dependable a year ago now look like they're made out of Jello-O. Another team with first-place expectations languishes in the cellar, and if they're not careful, this one could be stuck there for some time, ala the forgettable 1993-99 stretch. We came, we saw, you stunk, but we'll worry about that next spring.
Now it’s time for football, glorious football, and just in the nick of time. A weekend of college action, beautiful fall weather and a couple of fantasy drafts has got me walking around like a guy with a harelip. The sun is brighter, air fresher, and beer colder; it's a beautiful thing. Heck, even watching the Vikings slowly collapse last season like a inflatable woman owned by a heavily pierced man can be spun positively right now. Last year we knew the shot had been missed, that you don't catch lightning in a bottle twice, and things were going to regress. We collectively attempted to talk ourselves into things, because that's what fans do, but deep down, with a tougher schedule and player defections, we knew things weren't going to work out.
Did we expect them to work out this poorly? No. Every football season is like a trip to a movie theater. As I’ve written many times, expectations about teams have a big impact on your perceptions of what you actually see. A lot of the same things are in play with movies, a mediocre one can either be good or awful, depending on what was expected going in. For instance, the last Vikings season was like seeing "Eyes Wide Shut", you were a bit skeptical going in, but you were willing to give it the benefit of the doubt based on the parties involved. Before you knew it, you were halfway through and had lost the will to live, only wanting the whole experience to end as quickly as possible. At least you got to see Nicole Kidman naked in the movie.
And yes, if you’re saying to yourself “aw crap, now he’s going to compare all 32 NFL teams to movies in analogous fashion”, well you’re absolutely correct!
AFC West
San Diego (10-6) / “There Will Be Blood” – Not only will the first quarter of it bore you to death, the guy running things seems a bit unhinged, like the train isn’t making it all the way to the station. Not to mention that both end with a savage bludgeoning, carried out by Daniel Day-Lewis in the movie and Norv Turner in the playoffs.
Kansas City (8-8) / “Oceans Twelve” – The last installment was pretty good, so you’re hoping this one might measure up. But unfortunately, like most sequels, all signs point to mediocrity, with the possibility of suckage.
Denver (7-9) / “Twilight” – Twilight fans: Teenage girls who only care about worshiping their poster boy idol, rather than quality filmmaking. Bronco fans: Teenage girls/Christians who only care about worshipping their poster boy idol, rather than quality quarterback play.
Oakland (4-12) / Personal Al Davis 1978 snuff film featuring a hooker picked up on Hollywood Boulevard – Al Davis knows you may be disgusted with the things he does, but he does not care, so cover your eyes if you can’t take it.
AFC South
Houston (9-7) / “The Happening” – A director (team) does some decent work early on, so you keep plunking down $8 to see the subsequent efforts, only to be disappointed each time and tell yourself that it won’t happen again. You’d think you’d learn, but you don’t.
Indianapolis (8-8) / “Forrest Gump” or “Weekend At Bernies” – Was going to go with the story of an aw-schucks Southerner done good, but now it appears that the plot here is going to revolve around a corpse (settle down, I’m talking about Collins). Hopefully the Colts have more sense than Hollywood, and there will be no sequel.
Tennessee (6-10) / “Remember the Titans” – This particular version? Doubtful.
Jacksonville (4-12) / “Outbreak” – Keep Gabbert away from McCown, whatever he has might be catching.
AFC North
Pittsburgh (12-4) / “10,000 BC” – Featuring Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback.
Baltimore (10-6) / “Raging Bull” – Considered great by many, I’m not sure if it moves fast enough to really get the job done. A great performance from DeNiro (Ray Rice), can’t overcome some of the deficiencies surrounding him. Feels like a “good, not great” situation in the making here.
Cleveland (7-9) / “Fight Club” – Solid work, potentially exceptional, but can’t even get a sniff at the Oscars (playoffs) due to the stiff competition.
Cincinnati (4-12) / “Lord of War” – An interesting premise, unfortunately derailed by the shortcomings of the leading man.
AFC East
New England (12-4) / “The Shawshank Redemption” – The best in the league that didn’t come away with the big prize, usurped by an inferior opponent, much to everyone’s chagrin.
New York Jets (9-7) / “Gladiator” – You’ll see why in a minute.
Buffalo (7-9) / “Zombieland” – Looks lousy on the surface, but will turn out to be highly underrated.
Miami (6-10) / “The Deer Hunter” – Chad Henne is the NFL version of Russian Roulette.
NFC West
St. Louis (9-7) / “The Matrix Reloaded” – After stumbling through a rough intro to a new situation, a young QB gets his bearings and starts to do some damage. He’s not quite The One yet, but he’s moving in the right direction.
San Francisco (7-9) / “Batman” – If last year was “Batman & Robin”, the franchise has nowhere to go but up. Won’t touch “Dark Knight” status, but should be passably good, in the Tim Burton mold.
Arizona (7-9) / “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” – You chose…poorly. Should’ve traded for Orton and saved the $40 million bucks.
Seattle (5-11) / “Pulp Fiction” – Not the whole movie, just the pawn shop basement scene playing on a loop, since every Seahawks fan will be feeling like Marcellus Wallace by the time this year is over.
NFC South
New Orleans (12-4) / “Waterworld” – Too soon?
Atlanta (10-6) / Any Michael Bay film – Lot of cool explosions, ultimately amounting to nothing.
Tampa Bay (9-7) / “Gremlins 2” – The rare sequel that delivers more solidly than expected.
Carolina (4-12) / “Snakes On A Plane” – Never saw it, just like I don’t plan on seeing much of this team.
NFC North
Green Bay (11-5) / “The Usual Suspects” – The best in the league, and unfortunately it’s looking like success is going to be a typical occurrence for quite some time.
Detroit (8-8) / “The Social Network” – Everyone is raving about it right now, but I don’t think it’s going to be as quite good as advertised. Still good, just not what it’s being built up to be.
Minnesota (7-9) / “Die Hard With A Vengeance” or “Major League 3” – All of us Vikings fans hope it will be the former, a rousing comeback following a huge misfire. But in reality, it will probably be the latter, same plan that didn’t work last time failing once again.
Chicago (7-9) / “Bad News Bears” – Minus happy ending.
NFC East
Philadelphia (11-5) / “Inception” – Tough to find a better idea on paper, and it looks cool as hell! But things fall short just a bit in the execution, as the plot (chemistry) is a bit neglected.
Dallas (9-7) / “Patton” – Stellar when on the offensive, but it appears the defensive tactics are going to need some work.
New York Giants (7-9) / “The Alamo” – Never have so many defenders fallen so quickly.
Washington (7-9) / “Twelve Angry Men” – …would still not be enough to keep this defense from sucking.
AFC Wild Card – New York Jets over San Diego, Baltimore over Houston
NFC Wild Card – Philadelphia over Dallas, Atlanta over St. Louis
AFC Divisional – New York Jets over New England, Pittsburgh over Baltimore
NFC Divisional – New Orleans over Atlanta, Green Bay over Philadelphia
AFC Championship – New York Jets over Pittsburgh
NFC Championship – Green Bay over New Orleans
Super Bowl – New York Jets over Green Bay
After the way the past year has gone, what could be more appropriate than the two teams I despise most meeting in the Super Bowl? Green Bay will come in as the favorite, but the Jets will sneak away with a victory, leaving everyone with a WTF? expression on their faces, hence the Gladiator comparison.
But hey, that's how they won their first one, so why can't history repeat itself? Enjoy the season folks.
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