Grudging respect

The evil of grad school returned this week, delaying my ability to properly react to the events of the weekend in written form.  The general takeaway is that I should stick to predictions on college hockey, rather than the NFL.

Although the nights were wrong, the 3-2/4-1 split between the Sioux and the Gophers was pretty much right on.  For all my talk last week about wishing the Gophers a return to prominence, I was reminded on Friday night of the price to be paid if that should happen.  Most notably whiny people calling for penalties every time someone on their team is hit.  Having gotten a dose of that, I'm now throttling back on the desire to have a U of M team near the top of the standings again.  But I suppose expecting to not hate your rivals is asking way too much, best you can hope for is that they fall into obscurity.  Watching Minnesota play hockey this weekend did nothing to change my opinion that they can be a dangerous squad when interested, and that they will be back in the mix for league titles once they can get some continuity for a few seasons.  So I will enjoy the current situation while I can.

Flipping between the football and hockey games last Saturday was interesting, as I came to a bit of a realization. Perhaps this is blasphemy as a Vikings fan, but I was rooting for the Packers.  Sure there were the basic reasons, I've never gotten on board with Atlanta this season, always thought they were a flavorless team that benefited from an easy schedule.  Not to say they weren't good, just didn't strike me as being on the same level as a typical #1 seed.  Green Bay seemed like the better team, and their moving on to Chicago has provided a far more intriguing matchup.  All of that is just a moment-in-time excuse to drop the hate for a few hours. 

But in a bigger picture sense, those two games juxtaposed forced me to consider a broader question: Am I a fraud for giving fans of a rival team so much crap, considering I'm a fan of a rival team myself?  On the surface, there are many parallels between the Packers and Sioux.  Both play in a smaller city where they are the only show in town, both have many transplanted fans across the country (particularly MSP), both inspired a cult-like devotion among their fans.  So isn't it a huge inconsistency for me to root for one, yet terrorize fans of the other across the south metro, telling them to go back to Wisconsin?  Having some cognitive dissonance with this one.

Not to mention, the Packers have earned a tip of the cap this season, both the team on the field and the organization in total.  Basically they've made all the right moves with this team, building a squad with talent, depth and youth.  From drafting Aaron Rodgers, to hiring Dom Capers, and mining a diamond in the rough like Trammond Williams, everything they touch lately seems to turn to gold.  You may dislike them, but you have to give them credit for what they've built.  Their team held up to injuries, adversity and all comers, it's a performance that should be respected no matter who you root for. 

Listening to some Vikings fans this week has been a bit ridiculous, as they try to protest any sort of coverage involving discussion of the upcoming game.  Acting as if it shouldn't be covered locally, since it features two rivals.  To that I say, you may be a better Vikings fan than me, but you're not much of a football fan.  Sure I'll be rooting loudly against the Pack next season when the Purple have something on the line, but right now, relax and enjoy this historic matchup, hopefully it turns out to be a great one.

Because great games have been few and far between so far this postseason.  Only one of the four Divisional matchups produced what I would call a great game last weekend (Pittsburgh-Baltimore), sure there was a great gameplan (Jets D) a great individual performance (Rodgers dissection of the Falcons) and a great deal of free time to clean the bathroom/do laundry (Seahawks football rules!), but not nearly the amount of compelling football we usually see.  Every game doesn't have to be a shootout, but a tight game with at least a few offensive plays being made down the stretch makes it feel like you spent your three hours wisely, and that's always nice.

So now we move on to some matchups that few people saw coming.  I went 1-3 again last week, this time my gut was right and the Costanza system failed me, it's always something.  Way back at the beginning of this thing, I picked the Packers over the Colts in the Super Bowl.  And even though it will probably make things that much more depressing on the Twin Cities sports scene, I'm not losing my mind that they're on the verge of making that happen.  Sure either of the remaining NFC teams making a trip to the Super Bowl elevates them above the Vikings, but they were already there to begin with, so why worry about it?

When Packer or Bear fans tell me their team is better, I look them in the eye and say "Oh yeah?  Well f**k you!"  It's not a very graceful retort, but what am I supposed to do, argue the facts?  Sadly there's just nowhere to go on that side of things.  Sure you can pull out weak arguments like "Your team stunk in the '80s" or "You guys just got lucky this year", but in the end, we'll be second-class citizens until we win a title, and that's the bottom line.  So embrace it and just try to enjoy some football.  And don't kill the messenger, I'm in this with you, just the guy who's telling you how it is, none of us likes it.

Green Bay -3.5 over CHICAGO
Picked them to win it all in the beginning, nothing influencing me to change that now.  The Bears D did a nice job the last time the two teams met, and the did win the matchup at home, but Green Bay seems to be peaking.  Not to mention we're overdue for a Jay Culter meltdown, and after watching Williams play corner like he was disguised as a Falcons receiver last week, this feels like it.  Only shot the Bears have is using their terrible field to turn the game into a rugby scrum, ugly it up sufficiently to pull out a late win.  Frankly I think they keep the turf at that place intentionally bad to slow down opponents, but that's beside the point.  Might slow down the Packers a bit, but not enough.

New York Jets +3.5 over PITTSBURGH
Because I've been picking against the Steelers all year and figure being consistently wrong is still consistency. (You're welcome Jay)  The Jets looked like a team on a mission last week and the Steelers needed a Ravens meltdown to pull things out.  Add to that their O-line issues and I think Pittsburgh falls just short, in an ugly game full of punts.  Am I confident that Mark Sanchez will be able to make play #1 against the blitz he'll face this week?  No, but you've gotta pick somebody.

Divisional Picks

Kind of blogged out this week, so just a quick version of picks for this weeks Divisional Round, aka The Best Weekend in Football.  After going 1-3 last week, I will be employing the Costanza Theory on this weekend's games, meaning going with the opposite of my intuition.  Hopefully that improves my fortunes.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
The description of this matchup allows me to employ one of my favorite football words, slobberknocker.  There really is no other way to describe it when these two teams meet.  As lopsided as the score was last week against Kansas City, it seemed like the Ravens D still had some issues and the Chiefs just played right into their hands.  Pittsburgh is unlikely to do so.  Steelers should win a tight game here, but since I'm the one saying that, bet the house on Baltimore.  The pick: Baltimore +3 over PITTSBURGH


Green Bay @ Atlanta
I was a big Green Bay backer all week, just wasn't convinced Atlanta's defense was on the same level.  Figured this would be the contrarian take given Atlanta is a one seed, playing at home, had already beaten GB this season, etc.  Now every analyst on Earth seems to be backing Green Bay, which is a very dangerous thing, usually being on the same side as a huge majority is the best way to guarantee you end up incorrect.  So I've been waffling the past few days, but in the end, I still feel like the Packers win which, when given the Costanza treatment, means I'm picking the Falcons.  The pick: ATLANTA -1.5 over Green Bay

Seattle @ Chicago
Given how things have unfolded thus far, I expect that Matt Hasselbeck will come down with hysterical blindness when he wakes up at the hotel tomorrow morning, then face an Atlanta team that lost Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and Roddy White to injury the week before.  That's how things have been rolling for the Bears lately, one break after another, so why expect things to go differently here?  Chicago D won't completely piss down their leg like the Saints, so there's no reason to expect a Seattle to win or even cover.  Sure they won the first meeting, but that was a long time ago, in a football galaxy far, far away.  I say Bears, but Costanza sez 'Hawks, and he's smarter than me. The pick: Seattle +10 over CHICAGO.

New York Jets @ New England
Another ominous "everybody likes one side" game, and worse yet, this one is supposed to be a blowout.  All the chirping coming from the Jets side seems dumb, do they expect to get the Patriots off their game?  This is a team with some new additions, but the crucial parts have been through many playoff wars, some comments about the quarterback being an a-hole is going to rattle them?  Seems dumb to me, and just the kind of motivation that the Pats use to eviscerate teams.  Did I mention it was 45-3 the last time they played?  I'm going with the majority and saying New England by a comfortable margin, which of course means New York by a tight one.  The pick: New York Jets +9 over NEW ENGLAND.

Return to Respectability

So everyone is talking about Brad Childress getting fired this week, and that's all well and good.  The mayor was never a Chilly fan and felt his success was more due to an ever-expanding payroll than anything else.  Nobody will convince me that Mike Tice, who was generally thought of as a buffoon, couldn't have accomplished the same things if given the same resources.  Frankly I think he probably would've done better.

But the discussion of the Vikings is a much bigger production than I have the patience to delve into today, the team is at a crossroads, rest assured it will be examined thoroughly down the line.  Your excitement at this prospect is so palpable I can feel in through the keyboard.

Instead, we're going to stay in the same vein of teams at a crossroads, but go a slightly different way.  Partially because this week is the final weekend of the Gopher football season (as if you didn't already know) and partially because I have a slight hangover, I'm handing over the reins to my pal Derek, the most knowledgeable college football fan I know, with some thoughts on the Gophers upcoming coaching hire:


As a Gopher football fan, I grow weary of looking forward. I can’t revel in past success, as I am only 35. (We may have had the most dominant program in the country from 1934 to 1960, but I get annoyed with Packer fans bringing up their dominance in the WWII era, so I can’t be hypocritical and do the same.) I can’t look at the present too often because the last 40 years have only produced a handful seasons that one would call “successful”. So, as usual, unless I can revel in another “who-cares” bowl appearance with a straight face, I have to look forward.


Each time we have hired a new coach in the 20 years that I have been closely following Gopher football, I am filled with anticipation that THIS will be OUR Barry Alvarez; the guy that can take us to the Rose Bowl. In just four years, Alvarez took Wisconsin, one of the biggest doormats in college football for decades, from 1-10 and averaging less than 30,000 fans per game, to the Rose Bowl in 1994.


Who is that guy for the U? Who is the guy that can win recruiting battles like Brewster, coach offense like Mason, and actually build a respectable defense? Joel Maturi has suggested he wants to bring in a “name” like he did with Tubby Smith for basketball. Kudos to Joel for getting Tubby, and aspiring to do the same on the gridiron. But while that might be possible with Gopher basketball, as we have a program that has a tradition of respectability (even went to the Final Four in 1997, trust me, I remember), I don’t think that is possible any longer with Gopher football. It has just been too long since we were good.


Let’s break it down a bit:


The UofM football coach is a good job. It is good even compared to some others within our own conference:
• We have the nicest stadium in the country, bar none (yes, there are stadiums with more history and tradition, but none are nicer)


• We are located in a major metropolitan area with all the amenities one could desire (save the weather from mid-November through mid-March)


• In an apples-to-apples comparison of total spend on the program (i.e., NOT the Sid Hartman numbers) we rank 6th in the conference, so we are putting in money on coaches, recruiting, facilities (okay, yes, this is probably a major reason we are 6th, and not much worse), scholarships, etc…


• We are willing to pay big dollars to a new coach (e.g., Tubby Smith was the highest paid in the country in his first year, has since slipped to about 10th, but the money is there).


• The bar is relatively low here (notice me taking the main reason some one wouldn’t want the job and turning it into a positive). You simply get us to the Rose Bowl, the job is yours for at least the next decade and we may build a statue of you outside the stadium.

There are names bubbling all over the blogosphere, some very realistic and some very unrealistic, but these are my top choices. Just so you know, my list includes the following criteria:


1) 50 years old is about my limit. Sure, it would be nice to get Phil Fulmer to come in here and turn things around, but he is already 62 and might not be interested in more than a few years of service. I want a long-term guy.


2) They have a resume that includes head coaching experience in Division 1-A (FBS). We may hire Leslie Frazier or Marc Trestman, but I think we have an obligation to get a guy who has had success in the role we are hiring for. Pro coaches have it easier as the players are simply presented to them, they have very little “recruiting” to do. Great coordinators have promise, but haven’t been the head guy. If we were in another situation, I would be open to other options, but we can’t miss this time.


3) I have heard them mentioned in connection with the job by a reputable source, indicating that they are indeed on the radar. Would I like Nick Saban to leave Alabama and come to Minnesota? Sure. But, I am trying to be grounded in reality here. For example, I am not including Chris Peterson or Gary Patterson because those guys have had such tremendous success at small schools that they can have any job they want, meaning I think they are waiting for USC, Florida, Michigan, Notre Dame, etc… to open up and REALLY cash in on the big stage.


My list (incidentally, you can go to The Daily Gopher and read HUGE profiles on each one of these guys, and many more):


1) Al Golden – my top choice for the job. He is in his fifth year as head coach at Temple University, going 1-11, 4-8, 5-7, 9-4 and a bowl berth, and is 8-2 this year. If you can win at Temple, you can win anywhere. Temple isn’t in the Big East like the good ol’ days, but he has found a way to turnaround a program that has underachieved for some time. He has recently been a candidate for the job at Cincinnati where he pulled his name, and Tennessee where he wasn’t selected. Prior to Temple he was the defensive coordinator for Virginia and coached Linebackers at Penn State (LB U) and Boston College. He knows his defense. Plus, can you THINK of a better name for a guy to coach the Golden Gophers!?!?!


2) Brady Hoke – like this guy because he turned around Ball State, took them to 12-1 in his sixth and final year there, and is currently in the midst of his second season at San Diego State where he has brought them to 7-2 and within a hair of beating TCU on the road last week. Prior to Ball State he coached D-Line at Michigan for 8 years, D-Line at Oregon State for 6, and various other defensive coaching positions prior to that. He also knows his defense, sensing my theme? He is 51 years old, but I gave him a pass because it is so close. San Diego State’s AD used to be the assistant AD at the U. So, we might have to fight him for this guy.


3) Mike Leach – The biggest “name” on the list, this guy needs no introduction. Led Texas Tech to the most prolific offense in the nation for a decade, and is currently out of work. He didn’t end his term with Texas Tech very well as he allegedly locked a kid with a concussion in a dark closet as treatment. Personally, I don’t think it would have been near as big a deal if that kid had not been the son of an ESPN analyst, but I digress. This guy coaches offense like nobody’s business, but coaches defense like Glen Mason. And, the Big 12 is notorious for not playing defense, so would his schemes translate? Plus, I don’t think Minnesota wants to bring in anybody that has questions about their character. I would be happy if he was named coach though, as this would put us back on the map immediately.


4) Larry Fedora – Currently in his third year as head coach at Southern Mississippi. He is 48 years old and a passionate guy, who can recruit. (And by “recruit” I mean win battles for kids against bigger and better schools.) His first two years he went 7-6, but this season appears to be coming together for him as they are 7-3. He knows his offense, as he was the Offensive Coordinator at Florida for Ron Zook and was the Offensive Coordinator at Oklahoma State. I love his passion, that is why I have him high on my list. But, Tim Brewster had passion too, and that didn’t work out so well.


5) Troy Calhoun – Currently the head coach at Air Force. He has brought Air Force to some decent seasons, nothing better than 9-4, but that is really good at Air Force considering their recruiting disadvantages. He has been the Offensive Coordinator at Wake Forest and Ohio, where both schools achieved tremendous success. He was recently with the Denver Broncos as a “defensive assistant” and was the Offensive Coordinator for one year with the Houston Texans. His name was mentioned frequently early in the search, but Shooter had a column earlier this week suggesting that he has not been contacted by the U. I think that is a mistake if he is interested, because he brings a lot to the table, but I wouldn’t put him ahead of the previous four


The second tier (I would be merely satisfied to get one of these guys, not excited)


6) Kevin Sumlin – He was the initial most-often-mentioned-name but that steam has cooled as of late. Currently the head coach at the University of Houston. He is African-American, and I know that the current regime puts importance on diversity. He has served under Bob Stoops at Oklahoma as Co-Offensive Coordinator (not sure exactly what that position means) as well as Offensive Coordinator at Texas A&M. This guy knows his offense. He runs the spread offense, which scares me a bit. I personally think we are going to return to relevance with a solid defense that has good schemes, so that is why he isn’t at the top of my list. This year the Cougars are just 5-5, so he is losing some momentum there as well.


7) Randy Edsall – head coach at Connecticut and has had solid success. Since they became D-1 and joined the relatively weak Big East Conference in 2004, his best record is 9-4, with a couple 8-5’s as well. So, no breakthrough season as yet. He has coached both sides of the ball as an assistant, and is a very passionate guy.


8) DeWayne Walker – former Gopher and head coach at New Mexico State, but his record there is awful. Some success as D-Coordinator of UCLA.




Others mentioned:


1) Jim Harbaugh – seen his name often, would go nuts if he was hired, but it’s not realistic to expect him to come here. Creating a great program at Stanford, maybe want to return to the Big Ten, but he will probably be patient and wait for Rich Rodriguez to get fired at Michigan and returnit’s not realistic to expect him to come here. Creating a great program at Stanford, maybe want to return to the Big Ten, but he will probably be patient and wait for Rich Rodriguez to get fired at Michigan and return to his alma mater.


2) Mark Mangino – another controversial, and large, figure. I doubt the U is interested, and Tim Brewster was a close friend, so I don’t see him as a real candidate. But he won at Kansas, which was unthinkable upon his arrival.


3) Mike Stoops – currently the head coach at Arizona. Maybe he wants to return closer to home as he is from the Midwest, think he lived in Ohio, and South Dakota for a while, but he has a solid thing going at Arizona, and not sure why he would want to leave there beyond this.


I expect us to hire our new coach by mid-December. If we wait any longer than that, we are hurting ourselves. Colorado is a similar program that is also searching, and we need to move quickly. I think Maturi understands that as well. And, if we don’t have a guy by then, it means we are being turned down. Here’s to 2011 Gopher football!!! Ski-U-Mah.


Great stuff D, the education is much appreciated, here's hoping we get one of the 4 in your top 5 not named Mike Leach.  Frankly I'm intrigued by Larry Fedora, guy has gotta have an awesome hat collection, right?




NFL Picks

Last week: 8-8 (Meh)
Overall: 69-59-3

Ben
Last week: 8-8 (Double meh)
Overall: 30-23-1

Brent
Last week: 11-5 (Performances like this are a good way to get banned from Loserville)
Overall: 31-23-1


New England -6.5 over DETROIT
New Orleans -4 over DALLAS
NEW YORK JETS -9 over Cincinnati
Minnesota +1.5 over WASHINGTON
Pittsburgh -6.5 over BUFFALO
HOUSTON -6.5 over Tennessee
NEW YORK GIANTS -7 over Jacksonville
CLEVELAND -11 over Carolina
Tampa Bay +7.5 over BALTIMORE
Philadelphia -3.5 over CHICAGO
Green Bay +2 over ATLANTA
OAKLAND -3 over Miami
Kansas City -1.5 over SEATTLE
St. Louis +4 over DENVER
INDIANAPOLIS +3 over San Diego
San Francisco -1 over ARIZONA

This may not be the Windy City, but the predictions certainly blow

Quick thought on the latest, greatest must-win Vikings game of the season. Why am I hearing things like “I could see the Vikings winning big this week” from people who are paid to opine on the team and (allegedly) know what they’re talking about? Has past history really given any indication that’s likely to happen? Now I’d like to opine on sports for a living, but at the moment it’s merely a hobby. A lot of us like to think we’re smarter than we are about this stuff, arguing with friends about trades and draft picks, saying “so-and-so is an idiot, I can’t believe they actually put him on the air”. Most of us are full of it most of the time, we just don’t have anyone recording all of our stupid utterances and preserving them for posterity. The opportunity to look back on my opinions, crowing about what I got right and laughing about what I got wrong, is the one of the main reasons I started this blog in the first place; right behind boredom and the fact a lot of my friends tired of my whining and complaining via email.

But what give every armchair analyst out there the impression that they could step in for the guy on the radio is hearing statements like the one I just mentioned. I might not be a pro here, but I have been paying close enough attention over the last decade to realize that the idea of a Viking blowout in Soldier Field would be pretty damned unique. Anything is possible, but I would love to ask the guy what gives him that impression. A 5-minute flourish against a terrible Cardinal team? The fact that the defensive end who singlehandedly destroyed a much better Vikings squad at Carolina last year is now residing in Chicago? (If this game was at the Dome, I’d suggest handing out pairs of Bryant McKinnie novelty roller skates to the first 10,000 fans) Or is it just the stellar history the Vikings are bringing with them to town? I’d suggest renaming Soldier Field “Metrodome South”, but only if the South is intended as a reference to hell.

In the last decade of facing the Bears on the road, Minnesota has crafted a gaudy 2-8 record. The last one, 34-31 in 2007, could not exactly be termed a cakewalk, as it required 224 rushing (at the time a team record) and 361 all-purpose (3rd most in NFL history) from Adrian Peterson to get it done. You recall that game, it took a 70-yard kick return with a minute left to set up the winning FG, quite the thrashing indeed. Before that? Roll back the clock to 2000 and the high-flying Vertical Vikes of the Randy Moss Era (do I need to clarify that I mean the first one ?), which seems like a lifetime ago. Those were the days.

So to recap, one 3-point win in the last nine games, and getting it took one of the great individual efforts in the history of football. Seems like a recipe for a blowout to me, how about you? And sure, you can say the Bears had some pretty good teams during that stretch, great D early in the decade, went to a Super Bowl. But I will see that defense and raise you Jim Miller, Kordell Stewart, Rex Grossman, Chad Hutchinson, Jonathan Quinn, Kyle Orton (rookie version) and Craig Krenzel. Heck, even Moses Moreno might’ve started one of those games for all I know. Should’ve been able to manage more than one win on their turf, and that’s why I think there’s something more cosmic going on here. They may eek out a win, but a blowout? Don’t make me laugh.

Although I will say if AP goes for 361 all-purpose, I think we win handily. Just throwing that out there. Sometimes you’ve gotta be bold.


Speaking of reflecting back, we’re heading into Week 10, and most teams have half their season in the books. Seems like a good time to see how my NFL preview is panning out.


AFC West

San Diego
Prediction: 9-7
Current Record: 4-5

Comment: I said the early season slate looked easy, forgot that Norv Turner teams don’t starting playing until October. Guess we all have memory lapses once in awhile.

Kansas City
Prediction: 9-7
Current Record: 5-3

Comment: Loving this! The Official 2010 Sleeper of Loserville is making things happen, and the sked looks favorable from here, keeping the fingers crossed.

Oakland
Prediction: 6-10
Current Record: 5-4

Comment: Blinded by Jason Campbell and never even saw the league’s scariest running game north of Houston coming. Campbell’s been pretty solid too, but when every safety takes two steps forward at the snap, a lot of mediocre QBs can look great. Just not T-Jack.

Denver
Prediction: 5-11
Current Record: 2-6

Comment: Are who I thought they were. Now roll Tebow out there to get pummeled so we can put this whole “I’m a quarterback!” farce behind us and see what he can do at H-back next year.

AFC South

Indianapolis
Prediction: 12-4
Current Record: 5-3
Comment: Stormy seas thus far, but I stand by my initial assessment…well maybe a couple more paces to the right of it, but in the same general vicinity

Houston
Prediction: 10-6
Current Record: 4-4

Comment: Hmm, got roped in by the Houston hype again, felt good about this a month in, now not so much. Still, beat Denver, Jacksonville twice, split with Tennessee…and then you only have to get two of @PHI, @NYJ, vsBAL, @TEN? Yeah, maybe the playoffs aren’t happening after all.

Tennessee
Prediction: 8-8
Current Record: 5-3

Comment: I’m claiming victory on my Expectations > Vince Young take from the preseason, as he’s been missed games due to both injury and ineffectiveness this season. Sure he’s 3-2 and sporting a 103.1 passer rating, but he still plays from the sandlot “one-big heave” school of quarterbacking, as evident by his 10-21/253/2 TDs line last week. The Titans still haven’t faced Indy, and I think they’ve still got it in them to blow it.

Jacksonville
Prediction: 7-9
Current Record: 4-4

Comment: With how bad they’ve looked at times, it’s pretty jarring to check out the standings and see them at 4-4. My brain has trouble reconciling it, every time I hear someone mention them as still being in the hunt, I’m momentarily confused. And the I remember this is a bizarre year where the Parity Monster is running amok.


AFC North

Baltimore
Prediction: 11-5
Current Record: 6-3

Comment: Shouldn’t have lost last night, but still seems okay. Double the opposition’s best WR in the last minute fellas, free advice from me to you.

Cincinnati
Prediction: 8-8
Current Record: 2-6

Comment: Was getting bad vibes off them in the preseason, should’ve picked them lower, oh well

Pittsburgh
Prediction: 7-9
Current Record: 6-2

Comment: An excerpt from my preview: “I’m feeling a down year for the Steelers. I’m well aware that this is the pick most likely to make me look stupid though, they’re a scrappy team going back as far as I can remember.”  Sometimes, deep down, you know, but for some reason you don’t acknowledge that part of you that knows something. That’s probably about the time you start expecting the Vikings to blow out the Bears at Soldier Field.

Cleveland
Prediction: 3-13
Current Record: 3-5

Comment: Happy to be proven wrong here, next to the Chiefs and Raiders resurgence, a competent (could even call the dangerous) Browns team is my favorite storyline of 2010.


AFC East

New England
Prediction: 11-5
Current Record: 6-2

Comment: Return to glory? Check. Huge year for the Brady-Moss connection? Not so much.

New York Jets
Prediction: 9-7
Current Record: 6-2

Comment: Preseason quote #2, “Replacing Thomas Jones with LaDanian Tomlinson was a mistake in my mind, nobody ever wants Jones, but all he does is produce.” Also called them overhyped. Whoops.

Miami
Prediction: 9-7
Current Record: 4-4

Comment: MAKE THE EVIL VOICES STOP!!! “Very excited for the Chad Henne Era now that Brandon Marshall is in the fold”

Buffalo
Prediction: 8-8
Current Record: 0-8

Comment: Best 0-8 team ever? Technically not mathematically impossible? Yeah, I know, FAIL!


NFC West

San Francisco
Prediction: 10-6
Current Record: 2-6

Comment: Don’t think anybody saw this coming.

Arizona
Prediction: 7-9
Current Record: 3-5

Comment: Here’s to cheap Cardinals tickets readily available during my holiday trips!

Seattle
Prediction: 4-12
Current Record: 4-4

Comment: In my defense, they do suck. They just suck selectively.

St. Louis
Prediction: 3-13
Current Record: 4-4

Comment: Ceiling was low, what a pleasant surprise, it’s fun to be a Rams fan again! Here’s hoping they can take this crap division.


NFC South

New Orleans
Prediction: 12-4
Current Record: 6-3

Comment: Had them at 8-1 through 9 weeks, but the slate of tough road games I brought up (@DAL, @BAL, @ATL, @CIN) is looking quite a bit friendlier.

Atlanta
Prediction: 10-6
Current Record: 7-2
Comment: Convoluted theory of mine about blowing the playoffs in the final week no longer in play.

Carolina
Prediction: 6-10
Current Record: 1-7

Comment: They get a “meh” and no more

Tampa Bay
Prediction: 1-15
Current Record: 5-3
Comment: Dear Josh Freeman, I don’t watch Kansas St. football, and Bucs games were never on TV last year, how was I to know? But now I see the error of my ways and would like to say, I’m sorry. Your pal, Pat.


NFC North

Green Bay
Prediction: 12-4
Current Record: 6-3
Comment: Another team doing an impressive job of weathering the storm, right on track with 7 to play.

Minnesota
Prediction: 10-6
Current Record: 3-5

Comment: Murphy can take his Law and shove it up his ***

Chicago
Prediction: 8-8
Current Record: 5-3

Comment: Good one here. “This season will tell us with some certainty whether Jay Cutler is actually good, or if he was just being propped up by Brandon Marshall, we shall see.”  I still have no clue, can I say both?

Detroit
Prediction: 5-11
Current Record: 2-6

Comment: Yikes. “Matthew Stafford will suffer a career-threatening in Game 1 of the 2012 season” Doubtful he makes it that far.

NFC East

Dallas
Prediction: 11-5
Current Record: 1-7

Comment: Why wait until the postseason to completely fall apart? Many thanks for taking a bit of the focus off the Vikings season, otherwise it would be unbearable.

New York Giants
Prediction: 10-6
Current Record: 1-7

Comment: Feelin alright here
Philadelphia
Prediction: 9-7
Current Record: 5-3

Comment: High comedy here, wrong, wrong and wrong. “I’m a Kevin Kolb believer, but still think the Eagles running game is going to lack something fierce with LeSean McCoy as its top back. Just didn’t see anything out of him last year that made me think he’s going to get better, and if he can’t pickup blitzes in this offense, get ready for a lot of Leonard Weaver.”

Washington
Prediction: 6-10
Current Record: 4-4

Comment: Nailed it “Couple epic McNabb performances, he beats Philly once, misses some games due to injury, same as it ever was"



Won't bother with Super Bowl predictions, because everything is a mess at this point, even Vegas has a logjam of a bunch of teams at 7/8-1, no clear favorite emerging.  Getting to be one of the schizophrenic seasons in recent memory.  I mean if somebody offered you a million dollars to pick a winner, but the downside was they got to shoot you in the head if you were wrong, would you take it?  If so, how many teams could you trust?  Ponder this highly plausible situation for awhile, while I make my Week 10 picks.


Last week: 7-5-1
Overall: 52-47-3

You've heard of the Pros from Dover?  Well these are the Pretenders from Denver, two chumps who thought they could out-pick the master.  I trounced them last week, this week one of them got the better of me and the other tied.  Someone must've tampered with my thumbwarmer, it will not happen again.

BenLast week: 8-3-1 (Didn't pick the Jets-Lions, should probably get a loss for it, but I'm a nice guy)
Overall: 16-8-1

Brent
Last week: 7-5-1
Overall: 14-11-1

Missed the game last night, too bad because I would've won...at least as far as you know.

Detroit +3 over BUFFALO
New York Jets -3 over CLEVELAND
INDIANAPOLIS -7 over Cincinnati
TAMPA BAY -7 over Carolina
Houston +1 over JACKSONVILLE
Tennessee -2 over MIAMI
CHICAGO +1.5 over Minnesota
Kansas City -1 over DENVER
St Louis +6 over SAN FRANCISCO
Seattle +3 over ARIZONA
Dallas +14 over NEW YORK GIANTS
New England +4.5 over PITTSBURGH
Philadelphia -3 over WASHINGTON

There are 13 of them Ben.

When did the world pass me by?

I don't know what happened here, but between the Miami Heat, MMA and NASCAR this week, nobody seems to give a hoot about the World Series.  Not that I care about TV ratings, in fact it's just the opposite, a Yankees-Phillies series would've barely registered with me, but drawn much bigger audiences than the current matchup.

What irks me about the whole thing is the glee that fans of other "activities" (I can't say sports because some of this stuff doesn't qualify) take in the fact people care less about something else than their thing.  Particularly when their thing is the biggest thing going.  I get why you want priority when your particular passion is being overruled in a bar by something you hate, but if the NBA, NFL or UFC is on, there's nothing that's going to supplant it.  So get over it and stop being such a sore winnner.

Instead we have football fans crowing about the awful Titans-Jags game beating the ALCS and hoops heads crowing that Miami's first game of an 82-game season dwarfs Game One of the Fall Classic.  Look, I'll be the first to admit that I'm happy live in one of the few places in this country where hockey gets an equal priority in regard to basketball, as I prefer to watch puck.  But I'm equal opportunity, and when we have a decent local squad, I'll tune in.  Acting as if disliking something will somehow elevate what you enjoy is stupid, ultimately your thing will be judged on it's own merits.  To every Timerberwolves fan who's upset their team gets bumped for a hockey or baseball game around here, get a better team, and that problem will solve itself.

Furthermore, where did the chip on the shoulder of these people come from?  Football and basketball are the two most popular games in the country, yet they feel they need to point this out as a part of some insecurity they have.  Particularly NBA fans, many of whom claim to be a rare breed, despite the fact they have tripleheaders on major networks 5 days a week, while the NHL fans among us need a roadmap, GPS and spelunking helmet to track down our favorite sport in the cable netherregions, if at all.

Try this, imagine living in a world where you don't give two s**ts about LeBron James, Brock Lesnar or anyone who's notoriety comes from driving something fast.  Realize that Sportscenter pretty much became a no-fly zone from October-June about 5 years ago for those of us with that mentality, and this past summer it turned year-round.  Also realize that I'm not ripping your thing, and will watch when it provides compelling moments, but you're not the persecuted one here.  Every time I have to fight to see the last 5 minutes of a game I've been watching for 3 hours because some meathead in a Tapout shirt is demanding the 5th undercard, I feel a little bit more like I just don't get it.  Will we even have baseball in 20 years?

Week 8 picks:

Last week: 7-7

Season: 36-38-2 (Just can't get over the friggin hump here)

NEW ENGLAND -6 over Minnesota
San Francisco -1 over Denver
Jacksonville +6 over DALLAS
Washington +2.5 over DETROIT
NEW YORK JETS -6 over Green Bay
ST LOUIS -3 over Carolina
Miami +2 over CINCINNATI
Buffalo +7.5 over KANSAS CITY
Tennessee +3.5 over SAN DIEGO
Tampa Bay +3 over ARIZONA
OAKLAND -2.5 over Seattle
Pittsburgh +1 over NEW ORLEANS
INDIANAPOLIS -5.5 over Houston

Pop quiz hotshot

Just to make sure you're all keeping up on your required reading as the weeks pass, I've devised a little pop quiz for you, loyal reader.  No going back and peeking at the answers.

1) When watching football and drinking light beer, I will often grab two cans at once, since the fridge is some distance away and I know the beer will be consumed quickly. 

Which of the following does this imply?

    a) I'm a forward-thinker
    b) I'm lazy
    c) I'm an alcoholic
    d) I'm seriously in need of a beer fridge closer to the couch

2) In the NFL power poll posted 3 weeks ago, the following need mulligans: Green Bay (#5), Baltimore (#8), Chicago (#9), New England (#10), Philadelphia (#16), New York Giants (#22).

From this information, what conclusion can be drawn?

    a) The NFL in unpredictable
    b) The guy writing this doesn't know a damn thing about football
    c) The Bears are who we thought they were
    d) Betting on games involving the Giants is a good way to get your thumbs broken

3) As a Vikings fan, which of these would you suffer through in exchange for not having to hear the words "And Jackson is up off then bench and throwing, as Favre heads back to the locker room" this season?

    a) "Dancing with the Stars" marathon
    b) Minor STD featuring burning sensation
    c) Maroon 5 concert
    d) Crushing NFC Championship Game defeat

(See what I did there?  Trick question!)

4) Why don't chicks dig me?

    a) You're honestly asking this question in your blog about sports?  Hellllooo!
    b) Could have something to do with your "two Coors at a time" approach to life
    c) The fat ones seem to like you well enough
    d) Maybe if your head wasn't perfectly square

5) Why don't chicks dig you?

    a) F**k off dude, I crush the ladies
    b) I'm married, these days I try to minimize female interactions
    c) Oh really?  That's not what your mom said!
    d) Probably because I read stuff like this

6) Was that really Brett Favre's wang?

    a) Had to be, my buddy from Wisconsin was salivating
    b) Not enough stubble
    c) Figured it would be bigger
    d) You're trying to get me to admit Googling a picture of a man's junk, aren't you?

7) Finish this sentence: In two years, Scott Baker will be...

    a) Murdered at the hands of this blog's author
    b) Involved in a special ceremony recognizing him for passing NASA on number of items put into orbit
    c) Bagging groceries
    d) Blowing leads with a befuddled look on his face, same as it ever was

8) Is the NFL overreacting to big hits?

    a) Nope, call me crazy, but I actually like to see a few players I've heard of when watching a game
    b) Those pansies had better wise up, the fastest growing sport in this country involves men bludgeoning each other with their bare hands, nuff said
    c) I'm still pissed they don't have gladiator fights anymore
    d) We need more big hits, especially on Joe Buck

9) How's your fantasy team doing?

    a) Awesome, I'm a great football mind
    b) Terrible, s**t is all luck though anyway
    c) I'll be fine once Ryan Grant comes back
    d) Which one?

10) Who should be the next Golden Gopher football coach?

    a) Glen Mason, just for the irony
    b) Goldy, he could pantomime the plays from the sidelines
    c) Mark Mangino, endless potential jokes in the "Guess losses are the only thing tough to swallow" vein
    d) Revolving weekly "Are you better than Brew?" contest winner

Good luck, I should have them graded by next week.

Week 7 picks

Last week: 7-7 (Actually week 5, I missed last week because I'm absent-minded)
Season: 29-31-2
 
BALTIMORE -14 over Buffalo - Lotta points, but the Bills are atrocious.  Bit concerned about a TD in garbage time pulling them just inside the spread, but whatever.
 
San Francisco -3 over CAROLINA - Hey, the Niners won a game, weird.  Let's make it 2 in a row and get them back in the division contender conversation.
 
Pittsburgh -3 over MIAMI - Intriguing game, just don't think Henne has the bullets to beat the Steelers.
 
TAMPA BAY -3 over St. Louis - Could be the biggest "More interesting than it looked when the schedule was released" game so far this season.
 
Washington +3 over CHICAGO - I like Jay Cutler to keep getting sacked and the Bears to continue collapsing.
 
Cleveland +14 over NEW ORLEANS - The sleeping giant that was the Saints awoke last week, but the Browns are scrappy and will keep it close before losing.
 
Philadelphia +3 over TENNESSEE - Chris Johnson explosion potential is concerning.
 
Cincinnati +3.5 over ATLANTA - Bengals coming out of the bye and the Falcons just aren't impressing me, not sure who wins, but think it's a field goal difference, give me the points.
 
KANSAS CITY -9 over Jacksonville - Not loving this, but feel strongly about the Jags sucking out loud.
 
SEATTLE -6 over Arizona - Can't pick against the Seahawks at home, Max Hall (O Fame) should get a rude awakening.
 
New England +3 over SAN DIEGO - The Chargers suck, who knew?
 
DENVER -8.5 over Oakland - Two words: Kyle Boller.
 
GREEN BAY -2.5 over Minnesota - Sorry Vikes, too many holes in the secondary, Packers can't run, but they won't need to.
 
New York Giants +3 over DALLAS - The flip side to the Tampa/St Louis game, looked like a big Monday Night tilt, now just a question of the Cowboys spoiling something for a division rival.  Highly possible we see a Giants turd here, they love messing with people.
 
 

Powering up the NFL season

Another perplexing week in the NFL has once again reinforced the notion that this is indeed to best sport on Earth...and left me scratching my head as to what could possibly happen next.  A chance at two straight winning weeks in the picks department was thwarted Monday night, ironically by lack of picks.  Rest assured, Jay Cutler did everything possible to help make my vision of a 4 INT game a reality, but fortunately (or unfortunately, if you like) the Packer secondary was just not going to accommodate him.  One official interception, two more negated by penalties, and about three or four more, at least by my count, dropped by defenders.  Can't blame the man for falling short friends, lord knows he tried to deliver.

Beyond that the game featured some fumbles, some dropped passes, penalties galore, and pretty much all-around ugly football.  Now can't talk too much, as my team has played plenty ugly these first few weeks, and are now trailing Chicago by a two-game margin, but nothing last night that made that already unpleasant reality any worse.  The leading rusher in the game was a QB, the other team's QB was 10 yards short of being the second, the skill players on both sides (save the QBs) looked average; there's just a whole lot going on with both of these teams that inspire no reaction beyond 'Meh'.  That being said, Green Bay was the better team, and it was great watching Chicago steal the game.  I'm no fan of the Bears to be sure, and have really tried to grow out of my hatred for the cheese-clad hordes from the East, but after an hour amongst them, I wanted nothing more than to see Packer fans crying in their beer.  Thankfully, I got just what I wanted, schadenfreude in play, big time.

Sure Green Bay was better, and sure they'll probably get the last laugh on this whole thing by the time it wraps up, but for at least a day, that was a lot of fun.  Not to mention the added bonus of pulling off a fantasy win on the game-winning field goal; the only downside to the night was the weekly record falling to 8-8, damn you Chargers and Skins.

So three weeks in, and what do we know?  We know that you don't doubt any Steelers defense with Troy Polamalu.  We know that you don't trust any offense with Alex Smith. (Well I know that now, you probably already knew both of those)  We know that no team west of the Rockies is worth a damn, and that no team west of the Mississippi is a legitimate Super Bowl contender (Sorry Texans and Cowboys, not buying it).We know that:

Early game beers + Mid-afternoon pizza order x NFC/AFC West showdowns in late games = Nap

And there's really no escaping the math of that.

But most of all, we know that most of what we think we know will be rendered moot in the very near future, some of it so much so that we feel stupid.  But since this is the here and now, and it's fun to revisit this stuff once times have changed, it seemed a good time for an NFL Power Poll. 

Football teams are like beers, some more refreshing and tasteful than others, with varying degrees of flavor and complexity...or at least that's how I see it, and they say write what you know, so away we go:


Warm, flat can of Blatz, left outside on a hot summer day - In a word, disgusting

32-30. Buffalo/Cleveland/Detroit - Group ranking here so none had to be in front of another team.  The only time you could possibly be excited about watching one of them is if you have fantasy guys on the opposing team and/or are gambling heavily on the opposition.  When Detroit goes to Buffalo in Week 10, it's very possible their cumulative wretchedness could open up a cosmic wormhole directly to the bowels of hell.  If not, then the Buffalo-Cleveland game four weeks later should finish the job.  Then again, it's possible the football in hell might not even be this bad.  I want to meet one of the poor bastards who plunks down his hard earned cash for Bills season tickets, not only does you team suck, but 25% of the home games feature either Detroit or Cleveland, with a side of Jacksonville thrown in to boot.  But I suppose at least you can entertain visions of a win walking into the stadium on Sunday for those, that has to be rare.

(Sidenote: The Lions have been so bad for so long that it's to the point now where I bump fantasy guys up a couple spots when they're playing in Detroit on Thanksgiving.  It's not for the stats, it's just to give me a reason to suffer through it.)


Old Style (except if consumed on Wrigley Field premises) - Not disgusting, just gross


29. Carolina (0-3) - They look terrible, but the once-dominant running game and fresh blood of a rookie QB offers a whiff of potential here. I'm thinking they'll be a bit better, and if not, who cares? This is not a team that stirs much emotion either way.


(Sidenote: Doesn't Jimmy Clausen just look like a punk? Him, Jay Cutler, Brady Quinn and Philip Rivers should form a gang called the Country Club Quarterbacks (CCQBs for short), get some wicked black-and-red '80s style leather jackets, then do battle with a rival gang led by Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback, with Derek Anderson, Matt Schaub and Mark Sanchez. Call them The Stubbles or something and outfit them in denim. This would've been a killer Saturday morning cartoon now that I think about it. Or perhaps a wrestling rivalry. The episode where The Stubbles are accosted in a pool hall due to their leader getting arrested on a rape beef might not go over so well with the kids. Then again, perhaps it would prevent the Little Unfrozen Caveman Quarterbacks of the worlds from traveling a similar path. They could even tie in one of those 'The More You Know' ads during one of the commercial breaks, "Hey kids, sometimes 'drunk enough to do whatever you want' sounds good, but can actually be a bad thing…")


28. Rams (1-2) – Just can’t muster any interest in watching this team at all, as a result, I know very little about how they beat Washington. Condensed replay of the game will probably get picked up by the DVR sometime this week, and I will be forced to reassess whether cutting down the time commitment by 75% makes it worthwhile.  And then I will clean the bathroom instead.

27. Jaguars (1-2) – Ditto the Rams on the “anything, and I mean ANYTHING, is preferable to watching this” factor, but at least I can appreciate the good work Jacksonville is doing to stand between the Vikings and a move to Los Angeles, because nobody is going anywhere before this team. New rule of thumb for any team ranked in the bottom 5, only required viewing is when they pop up on the Red Zone channel. If they aren’t good enough to get there, you shouldn’t feel obligated to watch.  I can guarantee you won’t see much of them, well at least not their offenses.


Budweiser - Lunchpail beer for my two favorite lunchpail QBs (of course they'd probably both fit better at jobs where lunchpails were standard equipment, but that's beside the point)

26. Broncos (1-2) – So they drilled a sky-high Seahawks team at home, and Kyle Orton’s mystifying ability for win football games with overmatched teams is still in play, but what else is there to like? The castoff receivers? The fact that their only explosive offensive player is gimping around on two bad hammys? I see last week’s Ortsplosion (that’s right, it happens just often enough to coin a phrase, they must occasionally hypnotize him into thinking he's back at Purdue playing the Gophers) as more an indictment of the Colts D than a statement about the Broncos passing game. Brandon Lloyd and Jabar Gaffney are going to continue to make plays? The secondaries in this game looked like they were under the control of two college stoners playing Madden on Easy, let’s just forget it occurred.

(Sidenote: We really need a derogatory nickname for Laurence Maroney, I thought about Laurence Meandery in recognition of his running style, Laurence Baloney as an indictment of his skills on the football field and Laurence Can-Blow-Me to convey the feelings of the fans who’s teams he’s played for. But in the end it was plainly obvious, I hearby dub thee, Laurence Jabroney.)

25. Raiders (1-2) – A shanked 32-yard field goal by a guy who hasn’t missed from that distance in almost 4 years spoiled the latest chapter in the Legend of Bruce Gradkowski last week, and I couldn’t be more perturbed. Now instead of my favorite scrappy underdog QB leading his team to a second straight win and second place in the NFC West standings, they’re relegated to a 3-way tie at the bottom and a bit of a murders row over the next 3 weeks. The running game and pass D look just good enough that a bit of capable QB play could win them some games, but only if they don’t piss the easy opportunities down their leg.

(Sidenote: How could Janikowski do that to a fellow Pollack? Was he mad that Bruce was stealing some of his thunder? Methinks perhaps the overseas mailbag began to get a bit light these past weeks. Seems pretty petty if you ask me, makes a person hearken back to the dependable Eastern bloc solidarity of the Cold War.)


Corona - Sounded much better during summer

24. Washington (1-2) – I don’t buy these guys at all, and if Dallas wasn’t stupid in Week One, the Skins could easily be 0-3. Sure they got out to a big lead on Houston when the Texans were still on their “we finally beat Indy” hangover, but what happened once they got down to business? Can’t use the word ‘massacre’ in connection with an Indian-nicknamed team, so we’ll just say they were soundly beaten like a redheaded stepchild’s rented mule.  This weeks return to Philly for Donovan McNabb is interesting, but only in a "I wonder if he'll be hit with a battery?" sort of way.


Grain Belt – Seems like I should like it, but still tasting like crap, and I can’t put my finger on why

23. San Francisco (0-3) – Yes, the 0-3 team gets the nod over all those 1-2s, purely based on potential and the fact I’m not ready to give up on the Niners, the only remotely intriguing team in the NFC West. But then again, after watching them get THROTTLED in a game they really needed last week, that all might just be wishful thinking. So now it’s Atlanta on the road, Philly at home, and the prospect of 0-5? Yikes.

22. New York Giants (1-2) – Sticking with my theory that Tennessee can be a good team when Vince Young isn’t being asked to carry too much of the load, and if the Giants hadn’t show a display of anger management that Ron Artest would’ve found lacking, they still could’ve won this game. Would feel better about things if they didn’t play in a tough division with a nasty slate of games over the next month, but whatever.


Blue Moon – It’s selling, but I have no clue how. What is hell is that, a f***ing orange? I thought this was a bar, how did I stumble into soccer practice? You’re going to put it in the beer? Hold everything, what the hell is going on here???

21. Cardinals (2-1) – Getting a sinking feeling we’re looking at the first ever 7-9 division champ here, followed by the first mercy-rule stoppage in NFL playoff history. Sure that’s a long leap to make at this point, but a sweep of the Rams and Seahawks, along with a Niners split is 6 wins, and if those three teams don’t sweep Arizona, how do they get to 8? Oh well, at least Darwin will be happy, although survival of such an unfit team past the regular season wouldn’t please his namesake one bit, the NFL divisional structure is fighting nature here.

20. Seahawks (2-1) – Please San Francisco, the football viewing population of America implores you, get your act together right now!!! ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT THIS, PLEASE HELP!!!

19. Buccaneers (2-1) – I really kind of like this team, but unfortunately can’t see anything better than an 8-8 record, and even that’s probably a stretch. Gotta love those young squads pulling it together though, franchise QB possibly emerging, some fun wideouts to watch, good stuff. Of course I can’t actually hope you do well until your games stop getting blacked out, just a personal rule that a team must actually have fans before I can root for them to be happy. Then of course once an NFC team becomes too good, I’m obligated to start rooting against them due to Vikings-related conflicts. Come on Tampa, get behind this team so we can root for the ride up together before I hop off! And while you’re at it, would it kill you to go to a couple of Rays games?


Bud Light – Looks tempting, seems to be okay, but something’s just a little off

18. Minnesota (1-2) – Courtesy spot, will be 2-5 at the end of October. The old girl is starting to get in a bad way, and soon it will be time for Pa to take her out behind the shed and shoot her. Always sad, but she was suffering, try to think about the good times and prepare yourself mentally to say goodbye.

17. Cincinnatti (2-1) – Could go into the bye 4-1, but could also be favored in only 3 of their last 11. I like the odds of a team that’s old at the skill positions folding badly down the stretch.

(Sidenote: Since the Bengals are reality-show nuts these days, I’d like to pitch a premise that I think has some legs:

Carson Palmer shares a house with younger brother/backup QB Jordan, next door to a house inhabited by Terrell Owens and Chad OchoCinco, with the two homes linked by a shared pool/common area. Hilarity ensues when the straitlaced Palmer brothers are forced to deal with the highjinx of the two receivers, but things turn sinister when Jordan and Terrell enter into a plot to frame Carson and Chad for narcotics possession, in a ploy to increase their roles on the team.


Sounds like a winner, eh?)


16. Philadelphia (2-1) – Lions, Jaguars, no Bears? Oh my. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop and the Michael Vick Express crashing back to Earth. Somehow the Redskins are the worst defense in the league, so if the Eagles do lose this Sunday, it probably won’t be for lack of offensive production, but can this three-ring circus really go on all year? You’ve probably seen the stats, Vick’s current QB rating of 110.2 is almost 30 points better than his previous career best (set in 2002 by the way), and with that large of a sample size to compare to, it’s all about regression back to the mean. It’s like me getting laid, once it happens, you know it’s not happening again for a long, long time; if it happened twice in quick succession, you could pretty much write off the rest of the decade (or at least I think you could, would love to test that theory). The law of averages is pretty reliable here, just give it time to work.

15. Tennessee (2-1) – A quick haiku:


Vince Young is destined
To be Titans punchbowl turd
Fans will gouge out eyes


14. San Diego (1-2) – This placement begs the age-old power rankings question: Do you order teams based on what would happen if they played head-to-head, or how things will play out with their given schedules? It’s a tough call to make, I will only say that playing in the AFC West does have some influence on my thinking here, as the Chargers seem so-so, but have that warm nookie-blankie of a division to fall back on. Sure they lost at Seattle last week, but piling up 500 yards of offense and getting beat on two fluky kick returns doesn’t concern me too much, a bounce back should be forthcoming.


13. Dallas (1-2) – Still a believer in the Cowboys prospects, and think they win 3 out of their next 4 to right the ship. If they can take care of Tennessee at home in Week 5, a very winnable game considering their Week 4 Bye, then Dallas will be in the same spot it was last season with a 2-2 record through 4 games. They went 9-3 the rest of the way and entered the playoffs as the hottest team in football. Of course their early struggles helped set up their road shellacking at the hands of the Vikings, but that’s another conversation.

(Sidenote: This makes me think, who’s Tony Romo banging these days anyway? I feel like that should somehow be an influencing factor here.  Solid analysis starts with proper research.  At any rate, it probably doesn't matter too much, as we know who he'll be f***ing come playoff time.  Cowboy fans.)




Pabst Blue Ribbon – Perplexingly better than it should be


12. Miami (2-1) – I love them, I love them not. I love them, I love them not. Pretty high to be ranking a team I’m just not sure about, but such are the weird vibes of the league this week. Gut feeling is the Dolphins end this year as the non-playoff team with the strongest “Team on the Verge” vibe. This makes sense, as it directly parallels my impression of Chad Henne as the league leader in the “QB on the Verge” category. Should at least keep their fans intrigued…and frustrated…and hopeful…and frustrated…and excited…and frustrated…


11. Kansas City (3-0) – It’s alive! Frankenstein’s monster, created in a opening-night rainstorm is now laying waste to the pleasant countryside. How long before the villagers gather their torches and pitchforks to run it down is anyone’s guess, but for the moment the Chiefs are one of only 3 undefeateds left in the league, and are potentially poised for a run. Sure, the next two games will probably be a bit of a hiccup, on the road at Indy and Houston, but after that, the schedule goes: JAX, BUF, @OAK, @DEN, ARI, @SEA, DEN, @SD, @STL, TEN, OAK. I’m sorry, WHAT???

(Sidenote: Did I mention I called them to be 9-7?  Gotta keep touting the one correct prediction I made.)


Sam Adams - A cut above most, a cut below many, a nice reliable beverage that will do in a pinch...but you've had better


10. New England (2-1) – Can’t put them lower than #10 because they’re New England, can’t put them higher because Ryan Fitzpatrick winged it around to the tune of 247 and 2 last week en route to the Bills putting 30 points on the board. Not good, but downright scary when you consider what Mark Sanchez just did to them, the fact the aforementioned Henne and Phil Rivers loom in two of the next three games, and Peyton Manning may actually cause that rookies CBs head to explode like the guy from “Scanners” in Week 11. The good news? I have Brady and Moss on my fantasy team.


Sam Adams Oktoberfest - Superior to the original, but won't be here past November


9. Chicago (3-0) - As discussed in the opening, the Bears lose last Monday’s game 8 out of 10 times by my estimation, and coupled with the Calvin Johnson fiasco during Week 1, I just don’t buy them being all that good. Challenging for the playoffs? Sure. Winning the division? Not going to happen. Subpar wide receivers and a quarterback with a tendency to force the issue will ultimately result this team’s downfall.


Summit EPA - Now we're getting into truly fine territory; robust, hoppy, but ultimately not made for the long haul.  You're going to need to change it up if you hope to see the end of the evening.


8. Baltimore (2-1) – Like the defense, Jets win looks more impressive by the week, but I’d really like to see Joe Flacco play well against a better defense than the Browns.  Nice to see Anquan Boldin continuing his tradition of remaining a Top 20 fantasy wideout on the strength of 3 (and only 3!) monster games per season.


7. Houston (2-1) – Destroy Indy for a game, destroy Washington for a half, possible the Texans just thought they could hit the ‘Win’ button and cruise by Dallas in Week 3? I’m chalking it up to a desperate team playing a not-so-desperate team, and leaving it at that, with 3 winnable games coming up before their bye, and the rematch with Indy immediately following, this team could be in a nice spot to do big things.


6. Atlanta (2-1) – When you win a game that gets an opposing kicker fired, you are officially living a charmed life. Considering the loss to the Steelers in Week 1 is totally forgivable now, and the first win over the Saints have been notched, I can only come to one conclusion: San Fran will beat the tar out of the Falcons this week. Why? Well no real science to it, just the aforementioned desperate team factor, coupled with the fact that this situation has the reverse feel of last season’s meeting. The Niners came into a home game, riding high at 3-1, with a Brett Favre miracle as the only blemish on their record, coming off a 35-0 drubbing of St. Louis on the same turf a week earlier…and promptly got blown off the field 45-10. I remember it so well because it put me out of a survivor pool. Anyway, San Francisco crumbled after that, losing 3 more in a row and finishing 8-8; not saying that fate awaits the Falcons, but just a reminder, this stuff turns on a dime.


5. Green Bay (2-1) - #2 with a bullet as of 9:30 PM on Monday night, but another exhibition of dumb penalties and complete lack of running game are pushing them lower. Make no mistake, and it pains me to say this, the Packers will win the NFC North. Unfortunately for them, that’s going to be like standing outside a strip club with $10 in your pocket: You're getting in, but your not getting very far.


Coors Light - Nothing flash, fairly bland, but as consistent as the come and still delivers the goods

4. Indianapolis (2-1) - Ever have a buddy who told a great story, and would have everyone cracking up whenever he got into one?  Unfortunately, this guy was a good friend, and eventually you'd spent enough time around him to hear every story he had to tell?  So for those that haven't heard them, his stories are still the greatest ever, but for you, after the 3rd or 4th telling, you start to wonder why you thought the story was that great in the first place?  In NFL parlance, that buddy is the Colts, they've been telling the same story for years now, and even though the do it better than anyone else, it's losing it's charm because you've heard it so often.  Perhaps this year their defense makes things a bit more interesting and forces them to win with more flair, but until that happens, we'll put them here, just inside striking distance.


Stella Artois - No really my taste, cutesy glasses give it a trendy, upscale feel not typically associated with beer

3. New Orleans (2-1) - Stumbling out of the gate a bit is acceptable coming off a championship season, and the Saints have hardly fallen on their face.  After all, they were on the other side of the kicking coin, the should-be 3-0 team that had an unfortunate hiccup cost them a win to a division rival at home.  But the two wins haven't exactly been art either, no polls and style points in the NFL, just that the performance so far gives an inking of vulnerability.  With that being said, I'll wait for them to get beat convincingly before knocking them down too far.

2. New York Jets (2-1) - Dang I was hoping Sanchez would stink.  I also dislike Rex Ryan, Darrell Revis, their jerseys and most everything else about this team.  About the only thing they have going for them is not being the Packers.  But alas, excellence must be recognized, and so far this Jets team looks like the class of a weak division.  We knew the defense and running game were good, so now with Sanchez making plays and another weapon coming back into the mix when Santonio Holmes returns, their pass offense will probably only improve.  Dang.


Bell's Two-Hearted Ale - Bold and complex, not to mention it will **** you up in a hurry if you're not careful

1. Pittsburgh (3-0) - Exactly like I told you it would hap...er, strike that.  Yeah, I said down year, but I also said if any team would absorb this body blow and keep moving forward, it was the Steelers.  Their whole organization reminds me of MASH, when BJ Honeycutt stepped in for Trapper John and nothing missed a beat.  In this analogy Alan Alda is the defense and Jamie Farr the running game.  It's getting to the point where it seems like the Steelers could throw the names of 4 QBs into a hat on Saturday night and win with whoever was picked out.

(Sidenote: How great would it be if Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback returns and starts stinking up the joint to the point where a QB controversy ensues?  That would be irony writ large.  Now I know Steeler fans are probably too savvy to feed into it, and Tomlin definite too good a coach to give it any thought at all, but it would be worth a chuckle.  Miss you Mike Tomlin, you were the one that got away, damn you Pittsburgh for being so decisive and correct in your hire.  If Lesley Frazier wins a Super Bowl with another team three years from now, Childress is officially going to leapfrog Tom Shane into the #1 spot on my personal enemies list)

Great weekend coming up folks, excellent college football slate, baseball pennant races hanging in the balance, and of course another week of NFL wackiness, enjoy.

This week's picks:

New York Jets -5.5 over BUFFALO - Even with the new QB, can't do it

TENNESSEE -6.5 over Denver - Wish this game was at Denver

PITTSBURGH -1 over Baltimore - This game has 9-7 written all over it

CLEVELAND +3 over Cincinatti - Feeling the first Josh Cribbs explosion of 2010

GREEN BAY -14.5 over Detroit - Wanted to pick a Lions cover, but after last week's lost, Pack will be angry.  Green Bay will be picked in 99% of survivor pools this week.

Carolina +13.5 over NEW ORLEANS - 23-10, Panthers D does just enough to cover by a hair

San Francisco +7 over ATLANTA - Wrote what I wrote above about this game yesterday, waffling like hell right now...screw it, outright win for the Niners

Seattle -1 over ST. LOUIS - Meh

JACKSONVILLE +7.5 over Indianapolis - Weird stuff happens to the Colts in Jacksonville, just a cover though, no upset

Houston -3 over OAKLAND - A little higher and I'd go Raiders

SAN DIEGO -8 over Arizona - Or just give Kansas City the division title now

PHILADELPHIA -6 over Washington - Like the Eagles to win, but I suppose The McNabb Revenge Factor could make things go screwy

Chicago +4 over NEW YORK GIANTS - Are the winds in the new stadium like there were in the old one?  If so, this might be a tricky night game for Cutler to navigate.

New England -1 over MIAMI - Damn these 1 point spreads, feels like another big Henne game, but the Fish managed to blow last week, so...

Last week: 8-8
Season: 20-24-4

Get your priorities straight

Far too much media attention is being paid this week to the Vikings rough start, and not nearly enough to yet another Twins triumph.  The only team that ever delivers in this town did so once again by clinching their 6th division title in 9 seasons two nights ago, with two weeks and 11 games to spare.  It wasn't nearly as exciting as last year's epic clinch in Game 163, but not having to play immediately after staggering off a plane half-buzzed should give them a far better chance of advancing. 

And they had better advance.

Because now that the glee has worn off, there are only the prospects of securing home field (big deal, but almost done) and baseball's best record (not that big a deal) to keep people entertained.  There is also a whooooole lot of time for people to rest players, get the rotation set and have people pick at nits.  There will be no easy excuses this time, even if it's the big, bad Yankees who show up at Target Field for the first round.  The Twins pitching may not be ideally suited for the postseason, but it was good enough to propel them to the best record in baseball over the last 3 months, so no passes will be given there. 

It might be a bit strong to say a win is expected, given the history with the tough teams they'll be facing, but it's not too strong to say a loss would be profoundly disappointing.  At this time last year, nearly everyone who watched this team thought they were dead, or at least very close.  It was an undermanned squad relying on guile and pluck, who barely eeked out their postseason spot.  Losing to the Yankees was not only expected, but almost acceptable, give the energy expended to fight through the regular season shorthanded.  This situation, from the payroll, to the roster, to basically everything other than the lack of Justin Morneau, is completely different.

Thanks for an awesome season Twins, you're the only team I root for who consistently meets or exceeds expectations, you make the long, boring summer tolerable and I love you for it. 

I just need a little more.

Onto this week's football picks, time to get back on the right side of .500:

Cincinnati -3.5 over CAROLINA - The Jimmy Clausen Era officially kicks off in Carolina, as well as in my fantasy football dynasty league.  (For those of you that don't know, dynasty leagues are where you keep your entire roster from year-to-year, in order to pretend you're an NFL GM.  This leads to situations in which you're breaking down the 3rd round of the NFL draft in mid-July, so you can find the next potential star who you're going to stash on your bench for 3 years.  Shockingly, as cool as it sounds, discussing this in public is not a good way to pick up women.  Again, the title of the blog is about more than sports teams.)  To borrow a line from Eastbound & Down, my current favorite HBO series which resumes this Sunday: Stafford, you're ****ing out, Clausen's ****ing in!

NEW ORLEANS -4 over Atlanta - Waffled a bit here, and if the Falcons were playing at home I'd pick them to win outright.  But given that the Saints just came off a tough road game in San Fran, where the conditions are never favorable if you're a high-flying passing attack, I see them being sharp this time around.  Haven't seen the best offense in the league click a whole lot so far, but it's bound to happen soon, although Atlanta's possession running game is the best chance to keep them in check.

Detroit +11 over MINNESOTA - Don't think the Lions will win outright, but that's a lot of points for a team that has put up 19 total through two games.  The Vikings offense should get untracked here and make some plays, because the Lions are still brutal on defense, but a couple of stops and a long screen-pass TD from Jahvid Best could be all the Lions need to make this too close for most Purple fans comfort.

BALTIMORE -11 over Cleveland - Lotta points here too, but the Browns are s****y, there hasn't been a more aptly named team since I christened a fantasy team The Travshamockery halfway through 2007.

Tennessee +3 over NEW YORK GIANTS - Awhile back I got sick of the "Life is like a box of chocolates" line to describe unpredictable situations, frankly the Forrest Gump drawl was the only thing that made it fun to say in the first place.  But it was still a necessary, as we need a go-to phrase for conveying the unknown nature of some things.  So to that end, I've updated the phrase: "Life is like a Thai hooker, you never know what you're going to get".  And this my friends is a classic Thai hooker game, no idea what we've got here, so I'm taking the points.

Dallas +3 over Houston - The amazing thing about this season's first two weeks is that the Vikings aren't even the NFC playoff team that's in the worst shape.  Sure Dallas has got a better offense at the moment and I'd give them the nod if a rematch of last year's divisional round game was happening, but unfortunately the schedule is doing them no favors.  Going on the road to face the Texans is certainly no picnic, but I have to believe the Cowboys will find a way to win here, just too much riding on it for them not to.  Their season is dead and coach probably fired at 0-3,if they've got any heart at all, they come to play this Sunday.

Pittsburgh -3 over TAMPA BAY - Lot of consternation here, and I can't believe I'm picking either of these teams to go 3-0.  I mean at some point this QB thing has to catch up with Pittsburgh, right?  If Charlie Batch wins on the road, it's officially time to put things to the ultimate test and dust of Kordell Stewart for next week?  We're talking that level of ridiculousness here.  Would I actually gamble on this game?  No way, no how, but expecting the Steelers to score a defensive TD off a mistake by an inexperienced QB is like expecting a Nicholas Cage movie to suck, I like those odds.

NEW ENGLAND -14.5 over Buffalo - The Pats D looked lousy last week, and Buffalo kept it close for a half in Green Bay, but I see New England taking out some offensive frustration and posting a big number in this one.  If the game was in Buffalo, you could sell me on a scrappy effort to keep the margin under double digits, but the Bills offense trying to operate on the road is something I want no part of.

San Francisco -3 over KANSAS CITY - Speaking of venting frustrations, this will be an angry Niners team on a mission, if I were Matt Cassel, I'd be thinking about upping the life insurance this week.

Washington -4 over ST. LOUIS - The Skins pass D was shredded last week, but that was Houston and this is St. Louis.  On the bright side for the Rams, Sam Bradford is playing decently and, more importantly, still walking.  So far, so good.

Philadelphia -3 over JACKSONVILLE - Not much to like about the Jags at the moment, including the fact that their team name practically begs the derisive use of the term Jag-offs by fans when the team is struggling.  Here I thought Queens was a hanging curve, this one's slow-pitch softball.

San Diego -6 over SEATTLE - Maybe the Seahawks are good at home, probably doesn't make a difference against the Chargers though.  It's a real treat when the season matching up the AFC and NFC Wests rolls around, especially if you're a fan of the late-afternoon nap.

Oakland +4.5 over ARIZONA - Like the Oakland D stepping up big here, can Bruce Gradkowski do enough with an easy schedule to make the Raiders intriguing?  Was trying to think of a good QB who's last name started with P, so I could dub Gradkowski the Polish ______, but all I can think of is a first name in Peyton Manning.  The Polish Peyton has a bit of a ring to it, but people would think he was a halfback.  Oh well.

Indianapolis -6 over DENVER - The Broncos could be missing one or both starting cornerbacks this week, I don't have to tell you the Colts are bad team to be up against in that situation.

New York Jets +2 over MIAMI - No Revis is a problem, but I think the Jets D can compensate, have still seen nothing out of Chad Henne to back up the opinions (mine and many others) that he'd have a breakout year with Brandon Marshall to throw to.  Long season, but I don't think he gets it going this week.

Green Bay -3 over CHICAGO - Love this as a Monday Night matchup, Soldier Field can be a quirky place to play, and the Bears are 2-0, but I watched them play Detroit week one, and they're not on the Packers level.  Bloom comes off the Jay Cutler rose this week, perhaps only temporarily, but in significant fashion.  I'm setting the INT over/under at 2 1/2, which way are you going?

Hey bro, she wasn't even that hot, you could do way better man

So there was a very sad story today about Kenny McKinley, a wide receiver for the Denver Broncos who committed suicide. I’m embarrassed to say that when I read the headline, I thought it said “McKinnie” for a moment, and my heart leapt up at the thought of shedding the last 3 years of that contract. I’m going to hell, I know, certainly don’t need you to tell me.

After a weekend in which I attended two losses at the ballpark, yet another college football flub, then sat through one brutal half of Vikings football before mercifully having to leave for a brutal Twins game, I’m not mustering much positive to say. On the bright side, the two new stadiums in town do make for a much better aesthetic experience when the teams are playing ugly, at one point on Saturday afternoon I almost forgot I was at a Gopher football game. Then I remembered I was insufferably bored, and it all came back to me.

The Twins are victims of their own success, the Gophers of their own ineptitude and the Vikings seemingly of their own indifference. So far this has the look of an NFL team that thought the regular season was just there to keep you entertained until the playoffs came around. They should change the name of the team to the Minnesota Mimes for the way they’re going through the motions out there. But once again, on the bright side (sense the theme this week?), the loss last Sunday brought back two of my favorite rite of Minnesota fall: Outraged Purple fans and Chilly trying to polish a turd in his weekly press conference.

Childress really is an artist, I’m telling you. I know the head coach can’t come out and say “We sucked. This guy sucked, and that guy sucked, just about everyone sucked. Those who did not suck somehow enabled the sucking of others. As a matter of fact, this explanation sucks, and most of you people suck, so I’m going to get back to work figuring out how to end the suckage.” But wouldn’t it be refreshing if he did? Do you want to listen to 20 minutes on how the Will linebacker lost contain, or have some guy drop a few f-bombs, overturn a table and storm out? I suppose it is only week two, but most coaches still spew the same clichés when it’s week 12 and they just fell to 3-8, no personality there. Hope we get another Mike Gundy/Jerry Burns/Jim Mora moment this season, I want to see rending of garments, I want to see Chilly’s calm exterior crack and him scream “You think I have my head up my ass out there Bob, do you? DO YOU?? THAT’S RIGHT BOB, THAT’S WHY IT’S A GOOD THING IT’S BALD, I CAN SLIDE IT RIGHT ON UP THERE! RIGHT ON UP THERE BOB!!!” It’s like the commercial says, Be Legendary. Now go get yourself some Coors light royalties Brad.

And the fans! Oh my lord the football fans, they’re the best thing about sports in general. NFL fans make me feel like the rock my team’s church was built on every time they start calling in after a particular disturbing loss. A couple calls are well-thought out, most are hammered and reactionary; in other words, my kind of people! And it’s not just this city and my team, it’s everywhere, I’ve heard many of them, seemingly normal people who go mental 16 Sundays a year. God love em. Obviously the first choice is to have the Vikes beat the Lions this week and keep hope alive, but if they drop this very winnable game, my advice to you is the make sure you are near a radio in the hour following. Or perhaps stream it online later, either way, it will brighten your day.

Sure it probably won’t come to that, Detroit is still Detroit and the Vikings have had a knack for dropping games they should win/stealing games they should lose, which will probably help them down the line. But all I know is the unsettling vibes of the last month haven’t dissipated a bit, and we’re running the risk of things getting downright ugly. The Brett Favre indifference act has been seen before, and it never ends well. At the moment he’s carrying himself with a 1997 Cal Ripken air of “I’m not coming out…but I’m not really killing myself to prop this thing up either”. 2-5 through Week 8 seemed highly possible, and that Miami game was supposed to be one of those wins, yikes.

I say look at it this way Vikes fans, you married a woman who immediately went out and started banging other dudes, only you found out a couple weeks into the marriage, she was forthright about it and you got the whole thing annulled. Now sure you’re hurt, angry, feeling like you were duped, but you have to look at how much worse it could’ve been had this stuff gone on for awhile. As it is there are no kids involved, no divorce proceedings to go through, she gave you back your ring and moved out, it was even her parents that footed the bill for the wedding. Imagine how downright nasty a division of property, custody rights, etc. could’ve been had the whole charade gone on a few years before you discovered the truth. Then count yourself lucky you got out when you did, I mean that bitch could’ve taken your ****ing dog. Despite the fact you’ve been taken for a ride and may find it difficult to trust again, that will come back in time. In fact, chances are there are many people close to you who’ve been through this before, and if you couldn’t pull yourself up off the mat (see: January 2010), then you wouldn’t have gotten into this relationship in the first place.

(Frankly I don’t have much sympathy for you jackass, you knew she was a heart-breaking slut when you started dating her, don’t you remember the 90s? But of course I won’t say that when we’re out drinking and it comes up, I’ll just buy you a beer and agree how great she was, how you’ll never find another like her, yada yada yada. Start crying though and I’m out the ****ing door. And yes, we’re still talking about the Vikings…I think.)

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is, we’ve got minimal investment to this point, and if it’s going to be bad, let’s shoot for rock-bottom here (T-Jack!). As I said earlier, nothing would please me more than a return to last season’s glory, but looking back on my own words from January 25th of this year, I’m reminded how unlikely that is to occur: “These last few months, the stars aligned for a very special season, one that is not likely to be repeated any time soon, even if the team returns intact. Winning in the NFL requires equal parts skill and luck, every year teams rise and fall on the whim of the latter, so forgive me if I can't get on board with the talk of a promising future I'm hearing today.”

Good luck boys, and if not, thanks Brett, I understand if you don’t want to get yourself killed. Then bring on The Destroyer of Football Worlds (I’m copyrighting that one for a t-shirt) and let the real fun begin. This bandwagon was getting a bit full anyway, I like my elbow room and can hearken back to the Sundays (not so far gone) when it was just me, Darwin, and a bunch of empty barstools watching a terrible team. Those days might be coming back, we’re not going anywhere. And always remember, the correct response to a Packer fan within the borders of Minnesota is “Oh yeah? Well how about you get out of my ****ing state? I don’t come to your ****ing state and rip on your ****ing team, so grant me the same courtesy as long as I allow you to be a guest here!” The rest of you are on your own, although something about sex with farm animals is usually a surefire winner.

On the bright side (one more time!), picks are improving, we’re comin!!! A respectable 8-6-2 last week that easily could’ve been better had Houston not pushed and the Raiders not lost in games they dominated. A couple more weeks like this the power will be back on and I can stop eating cold Spaghetti-Os every night for dinner, here’s to gambling!

Still alive through two weeks: Kansas City’s sleeper potential, the likely occurrence that Pittsburgh could emerge from the Roethlisberger suspension 3-1 (making me look dumb, as I thought they would, in the process), the re-emergence of Jay Cutler as a big-time QB (at least until he throws 5 INTs on Monday night against the Packers), the re-emergence of Vince Young as the league’s foremost Ben Stiller QB (great when nothing’s expected, falls apart when asked to carry the load), Cardinals fans returning to the teams from whence they came and the NFC West’s stranglehold on the “Worst NFL Division” crown.

Looking shaky: Double-digit Vikings wins (see above), New England’s D being division-champ caliber, any mention of “Ravens” and “explosive offense” in the same sentence, Dallas having the opportunity to build on its resume of playoff chokes and the phrase “Kevin Kolb believer”.

What was I thinking: Bills at 8 wins (looking more like my least-favorite Wild player, Halfthat), Bucs at 1-15 (would you buy that I just confused my ‘B’ teams here?) and the idea that Matthew Stafford would stay on the field for two years before getting seriously injured again.

Another rabbit out of the hat

First order of business is a congratulations to the Twins, who have made things academic in the AL Central with their sweep of the White Sox this week.  Going into the series it looked like one win would be good enough, two wins would spell the beginning of the end and three would be certain doom for the Pale Hose.  Fortunately the Twins got all three and with 90% of precincts reporting, Loserville News is ready to call the Central race for the hometown nine.

It's been another impressive regular season, and big props must go out to the entire organization, with the way they've been able to plug holes and battle back from adversity time after time.  From losing their closer in spring training to losing their best hitter at midseason, the Twins have done what they always seem to do, find a way to keep winning games.  Although I gave up on them roughly 73 times during the course of the season, I never stopped watching and hoping they'd find their way.  Now that they have, reeling off the best record in baseball since the All-Star break, it's good to look back on the highs and lows of the season, and even better to look forward to the possibilities the future holds.

Because while all this winning has been great fun, there's still a big question to be answered: Are the Twins a good team, or just the best of a bad division?  Sure they're not paired up with a bunch of total stiffs, but at the same time, the axis of power in baseball lies to the East (yes, I invoked that Germany-Japan WWII imagery on purpose), and it must be defeated before you can truly call this season a success.  As I've said many times, division titles beat being a Royals fan, but at some point the promise of one of these seasons need to be realized.  For the moment, the lead is at 9, the magic number at 8 and the best record in baseball only a half game away.  It's going to be a good next two weeks, time to put this thing to bed, rest some players up, and get ready for the next step: Winning in October.

Onto this week's picks:

Last week: 4-10-2 (Kneecaps hurt every time I type that)

CAROLINA -3.5 over Tampa Bay - I refuse to believe the Bucs can go 2-0, especially with the second being a road win.  Sure the Panthers QB might be injured, but that could be addition by subtraction.

DALLAS -7.5 over Chicago - Despite a great fantasy outing, I watched a lot of last week's Bears game and Jay Cutler is still a gunslinger without wide receivers.  89-yard TD passes to runnings backs not name MoJo happen once and only once per season.  Throw in the fact that Jerry Jones no doubt greased a few palms around the league this week, and I just can't see the Cowboys falling to 0-2.  Can they win by 8?  Well that's going to be interesting, but I'm betting on a bounce back effort.

Pittsburgh +5.5 over TENNESSEE - All part of my nefarious plot to have my buddy Jay (huge Steelers fan) offering me money to pick against his team by the time week 10 rolls around.  I whiffed on Atlanta, thinking Matt Ryan would remember how to throw, instead the Falcons ground game got eaten up by the Steeler D.  I see a Week One redux here, with Vince Young tossing a costly INT when asked to make a big play to win the game.  He'll win it, just for the worng squad.

MINNESOTA -6 over Miami - Or just fold the tents, seriously.  For anyone who says you can't have a must-win game in Week Two, I beg to differ and offer Weeks 5-8 of the Vikings schedule as my main argument.

(Sidenote on Vincent Jackson: If this wasn't our all-in, one-time-only shot at a title, I'd want nothing to do with the guy.  But because of that, and the fact it's not my money, I say why not.  Come on Wilfs, we're going to build you a stadium anyway, you'll make it back, now pony up.  To anyone who says a 2nd-round pick is too much, keep in mind that T-Jack will probably be playing QB next season and realize that there really is no future here.  I'm sure whatever linebacker we could pick up next season will be the difference between  losing 13-3 instead of 20-3, but who cares?  Act now.)

ATLANTA -7 over Arizona - More about hoping to salvage a prediction than real belief in the Falcons, what happened to Matt Ryan anyway, he's like the Bizzaro Rich Gannon?

Kansas City +2 over CLEVELAND - Hey, what better place to keep the KC Sleeper Express rolling along?  Sure it might be hard to pull off those return TDs every week, but some weeks you play Cleveland, which is pretty much the same thing.  I'm not sure why Sam Cassell is playing QB for the Chiefs, but he can lead an offense, so why not?  Plus he invented the Big Ball Dance, instant credibility.

Baltimore -3 over CINNCINATTI -  By definition, the Bengals defense has to play better in week one.  To say they could have a poorer showing would indicate that they'd have to actually show up, and the only way this week is any uglier than last is if they refuse to leave the locker room.  Joe Flacco is not Tom Brady by any stretch, but I've seen 7-on-7 scrimmages with more QB pressure than what the Bungles managed to apply last week.  Fugly stuff, truly.

Philly -6.5 over DETROIT - Well Detroit, you almost showed me something.  Now you've got no QB and must feel like God is against your football team.  So it's kind of like every year.

GREEN BAY -14 over Buffalo - The Bills have a sneaky-good pass D and the Packers are down their starting RB, but all that will serve to do is keep this one reasonable until half.  Come on CJ Spiller, good time to do something ridiculous and trip up the Cheeseheads.

DENVER -3.5 over Seattle - Calling last week a fluke and going with the home team

OAKLAND -3.5 over St. Louis - Would never wager on either of these teams, and if you tied an enemy combatant to a chair in front of this game, the ACLU would file a brief opposing it.

NEW YORK JETS +3 over New England - Toughest game of the week, going with Revis bottling up Moss, Rex Ryan going into his Mad Scientist Blitz Handbook and the Jets grinding it out

Houston -3 over WASHINGTON - The Skins beat Dallas, defense looks sharp, but if not for a boneheaded play to end the first quarter, the Cowboys probably pull that thing out.  Houston looks sharp early, here's comes a strong start, then swoon.

SAN DIEGO -7 over Jacksonville - I mean it's gotta be, right?  I know nothing about this league if this doesn't happen.

COLTS -6 over New York Giants - Return of the Manning Bowl, I'd hit mute, but they'd know it somehow and compensate by showing me more Archie

SAN FRANCISCO +6 over New Orleans - Saints still win, but an angry Niner's team and tricky winds keep it close