Wow, a lot has happened since I last posted something, time to recap the goings on of the last week:
An open letter to the 2013 version of myself
The main reason for the current hiatus is because after events of last weekend, it took a few days to get the buzzing in my head to subside and regain the will to live. Every year I tell myself I’m going to take it easy, then every year something amazing happens that causes large numbers of people (chiefly me) to lose their minds. The last thing that I wanted to do this past Saturday was return myself to the city that had beaten the tar out of me for the previous 48 hours, but promises had been made and needed to be kept.
Since suffering through what may have been the worst Sunday of my life, I’ve been saying that next year is going to be different. But since no one believes me, and I don’t completely believe myself, that needs to go down on paper for posterity’s sake.
From: The 2012 Mayor
To: The 2013 Mayor
RE: Saturday, March 16th 2013
Mr. Mayor,
This letter is being written to request that you cease-and-desist from any excursion within the borders of St. Paul, Minnesota on Saturday the 16th of March, two-thousand and thirteen. As you know, this will be the last Final Five Saturday in history, and also likely the observance of the St. Patrick’s Day holiday, since the Pope does not like drunks stealing his thunder. Frankly, after consulting with some affected parties, most notably yourself this past Sunday thru Tuesday, we simply do not believe you have the wherewithal to handle three days of extreme mirth back-to-back-to-back.
Now, before you protest, it should be pointed out that this is a fair offer, still allowing full participation on both Thursday and Friday. It’s time to face the fact that you simply can’t handle the rigor of this schedule. Your simply too old for this kind of thing, and frankly, have some impulse-control issues that don’t jibe well with the environment. As evidence of this, we offer the following:
At 1 PM Sunday, you checked your back account balance, and would’ve wept openly, had you not been such a stoic and virile man.
At 11 AM Sunday, you remarked to a friend “Next year we need to plan ahead and get some cyanide capsules, would make for an easier morning” and were only half-kidding.
At 11:30 PM Saturday, you stepped away from a conversation with several strangers to locate a group of friends who’d just been there “15 minutes ago” in your estimation. Actual time of departure: 8:30 PM.
Between 10-11 PM Saturday, we have unconfirmed reports of you dancing to country music.
From approximately 7-8 PM Saturday, you traded rounds and engaged in a discussion with an individual who’s number you entered into your phone under “Jameson”. You’re not sure whether this is because his actually name was Jameson (unlikely), he bought you a glass of Jameson, or he worked for Jameson in some capacity. I think we’d both agree that this is a poor system if any sort of follow-up is intended.
Around 5 PM, you looked at the patrons surrounding you in a bar and wondered how all these high school kids had gotten in. Then the logic hit that they all must be 21 or over, and along with it, the realization that you could possibly be closer to one of their parents age than their own. This is unlikely (hopefully), but possible, and that bummed you out.
But I didn’t have to tell you this, because I happen to know for a fact that last week you heard “Pour Some Sugar On Me” on the oldies station and came to this conclusion yourself. You don’t go to bars that play thumping music and are filled with guys in Affliction t-shirts, stop trying to hang with the 20-somethings on St. Paddy’s!
Listen, there’s no shame in admitting you've slowed down, every great wide receiver eventually lost a step, every dominant pitcher a few miles off his fastball. You’ve had a great career, hold your head high, not Hall of Fame worthy, but definitely multiple All-Star appearances. No Pedro in his prime, but Johan? Potentially. Not to mention, you’ve got some years as a crafty veteran left in you, just gotta pick your spots and keep that ice bucket handy. Surround yourself with the right team, you might even get that title that’s eluded you so far.
However, should you choose to ignore this warning, you do so at your own peril. The next letter that I dash off will be to the 2030 Mayor, instructing him that if you did venture to St. Paul on St. Patrick’s Day 2013, he should travel back in time, take a hair sample from your junior-high self, go to wherever in time the have viable cloning techniques, create 3 or 4 copies of you, bring them back to next March 16th and beat the holy hell out of you. If time travel is not available yet, then he’s to figure out a way to post the message forward to a future point when it is, he should be able to handle that, it’s 2030 after all.
I know all this sounds complicated, but trust me, it’s foolproof, test me if you don’t believe.
Kind regards,
The 2012 Mayor
Tebow-Jack
The other thing I had to bring up this week was the demotion of my two least favorite NFL QBs from starter to backup, within mere days of each other!
On October 24th of last year, I named Tim Tebow the Official Nemesis of Loserville. Obviously, that had a powerful impact, as nothing's quite gone right for him ever since (sarcasm!). But that position was only vacant in the first place because Tarvaris Jackson, who'd been ruining my football life for several years, was no longer wearing a Vikings uniform.
Now I'll cop to the fact that I had a few moments of "how in the world is this happening" enjoyment courtesy of Timmy Two T's, but in general his success just royally pissed me off. Never more than when he beat the Steelers in the playoffs, then predictably got killed in New England, robbing the football watching public of a chance at a good playoff game, because he could not throw a forward pass.
Tarvaris never really did anything noteworthy, much less miraculous, his only crime was quarterbacking the NFL team I rooted for. He was picked too early and thrust into a situation he wasn't ready for, by an arrogant alleged QB guru, who probably thought he could teach a ham sanndwich to run a successful two-minute drill.
T-Bow is a star, T-Jack is a nonymous, but when you think about it, they're pretty much the same guy. They can do some things here and there that make you think "this guy might be a player", but then you actually take a good look and realize that on a long enough timeline, it will never work out. The running part is okay, the throwing part is ugly, and most of all, nobody but the most deluded fan would truly believe that either is a long-term answer. Even their career stats are pretty similar:
Jackson: 38 TD, 35 INT, 77.7 QB rating
Tebow: 17 TD, 9 INT, 75.1 QB rating
(And let's be honest, Tebow's TD/INT ratio was inflated by a complete refusal to pass, to put this in perspective, you and I both have zero career interceptions, think about it)
The Broncos and Seahawks confirmed what everyone already knew this week, when they signed Peyton Manning and Matt Flynn, respectively, to be their new quarterbacks. The Flynn signing is especially satisfying to us Vikings fans. It not only gets a capable backup out of Green Bay, but also pokes holes in the ridiculous comments coming out of Seattle about Jackson never really getting a chance in his time as a Vikings. That one perked up the ears of the state with a collective "Oh yeah? Well, we shall see about that." In my NFL preview post last September comparing teams to movies, I wrote this for the Seahawks:
Seattle (5-11) / “Pulp Fiction” – Not the whole movie, just the pawn shop basement scene playing on a loop, since every Seahawks fan will be feeling like Marcellus Wallace by the time this year is over
And yes, in case you were wondering, in that analogy, Tarvaris is Zed.
Now T-Jack can dust off his clipboard, and Tebow his all-Wildcat playbook, just the ways things ought to be. I must say, life without T-BowJack playing QB for NFL teams sounds good to me, and feels like a bit of a victory over poorly-throw wobblers into the turf everywhere. Although I am not completely ready to put a stake in the heart of Tebowmania just yet (great idea to put that guy breathing down Sanchez' neck, how could that backfire?), it does seem to be over.
Now, onto the important business of picking a new nemesis, a position of that stature cannot be wasted on a backup quarterback.
Showing posts with label T-Jack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label T-Jack. Show all posts
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Well that's it, now we're completely screwed
Decided to wait a day in reacting to the latest Vikings disaster, in order to take a deep breath and calmly assess where the team is and where it appears to be going. 24 hours of reflection have left me in the same place where I began: We're pretty much screwed here.
There's a lot of pissing and moaning going on this week about a lot of topics, with the majority of it being completely justified. The officiating sucked, the pass rush was lousy, the secondary is a sham and Brett Favre absolutely killed the team with unbelievable turnovers. This is all true. Problem is, short of hoping it gets better, what are you really going to do about it? Bad luck is unfortunate, but ultimately out of your control. Bad play on the other hand? Well that's a stickier wicket.
Fans whining about refs is a loser's lament, the last refuge of someone who doesn't want to admit their team got beat. Coaches and players might be a bit different, but only a bit, because their protests are actually heard, and could subconsciously sway an officials call in their favor the next time around. Fans calling for Favre's head do present an actionable argument, but I'd ask them to stop and consider the alternative.
I mean, you people do understand that you're asking for Tarvaris Jackson, right?
If you do, and you are sticking to your guns on that opinion, then more power to you and excuse me if I totally disagree. I mean you do remember watching T-Jack right? The king of the double-clutch, one-hop knuckler? The man who inspired so much apathy that the Vikings needed two extensions to sell out a playoff game two years ago? The man who's first (and amazingly not only) highlight video features more scrambles than passes from the pocket for more than 10 yards? (Incidentally, ignore the terrible quality of that link and just focus on the music, how perfect is that! He will not die! I couldn't have said it better myself!)
Please don't take any of this an an endorsement of Favre, he's been terrible so far and wobbling around on a bad wheel isn't going to make things any better. Just sayin, if T-Jack is the answer and the question is anything other than "Who is the worst Vikings quarterback of your lifetime after Spurgeon Wynn?", then you've lost me. If this is the guy who we're hoping will lead us out of the wilderness, then we are destined to be eaten by bears. As bad as Favre has been, he at least shows the capacity to make plays, whereas Jackson only shows the capacity to occupy capacity on the roster.
Hope I'm wrong here, really do. But after seeing a lot of T-Jack over the years, including an atrocious preseason most recently, there is no evidence to make me think he will ever be a professional quarterback.
And that is why, fellow Vikings fans, short of a miraculous healing and turnabout in Favre's play, we're tremendously screwed here.
I am looking forward to two things:
1. The first getting-dragged-to-the-ground, desperation flip pass into the arms of a linebacker, which makes every Vikings fan who called for Jackson stop and say "Wait a minute, I remember this, he makes all the same dumb plays, but none of the good ones". That will be delicious.
2. The sideline shot of Chilly immediately following, when all those ugly memories he tried to put out of his mind the last few years come flooding back, and his eyes betray the panic racing through his brain.
Other than that, this should go well.
There's a lot of pissing and moaning going on this week about a lot of topics, with the majority of it being completely justified. The officiating sucked, the pass rush was lousy, the secondary is a sham and Brett Favre absolutely killed the team with unbelievable turnovers. This is all true. Problem is, short of hoping it gets better, what are you really going to do about it? Bad luck is unfortunate, but ultimately out of your control. Bad play on the other hand? Well that's a stickier wicket.
Fans whining about refs is a loser's lament, the last refuge of someone who doesn't want to admit their team got beat. Coaches and players might be a bit different, but only a bit, because their protests are actually heard, and could subconsciously sway an officials call in their favor the next time around. Fans calling for Favre's head do present an actionable argument, but I'd ask them to stop and consider the alternative.
I mean, you people do understand that you're asking for Tarvaris Jackson, right?
If you do, and you are sticking to your guns on that opinion, then more power to you and excuse me if I totally disagree. I mean you do remember watching T-Jack right? The king of the double-clutch, one-hop knuckler? The man who inspired so much apathy that the Vikings needed two extensions to sell out a playoff game two years ago? The man who's first (and amazingly not only) highlight video features more scrambles than passes from the pocket for more than 10 yards? (Incidentally, ignore the terrible quality of that link and just focus on the music, how perfect is that! He will not die! I couldn't have said it better myself!)
Please don't take any of this an an endorsement of Favre, he's been terrible so far and wobbling around on a bad wheel isn't going to make things any better. Just sayin, if T-Jack is the answer and the question is anything other than "Who is the worst Vikings quarterback of your lifetime after Spurgeon Wynn?", then you've lost me. If this is the guy who we're hoping will lead us out of the wilderness, then we are destined to be eaten by bears. As bad as Favre has been, he at least shows the capacity to make plays, whereas Jackson only shows the capacity to occupy capacity on the roster.
Hope I'm wrong here, really do. But after seeing a lot of T-Jack over the years, including an atrocious preseason most recently, there is no evidence to make me think he will ever be a professional quarterback.
And that is why, fellow Vikings fans, short of a miraculous healing and turnabout in Favre's play, we're tremendously screwed here.
I am looking forward to two things:
1. The first getting-dragged-to-the-ground, desperation flip pass into the arms of a linebacker, which makes every Vikings fan who called for Jackson stop and say "Wait a minute, I remember this, he makes all the same dumb plays, but none of the good ones". That will be delicious.
2. The sideline shot of Chilly immediately following, when all those ugly memories he tried to put out of his mind the last few years come flooding back, and his eyes betray the panic racing through his brain.
Other than that, this should go well.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Send in the clowns
Favre.
That single word, though often misspelled, elicits an instant reaction from any sports fan. Be it a wry smile, chuckle, or grimace of disgust, hearing the man's name spoken out loud, particularly when NFL training camp is underway, is going to draw a response. Given the events of today, that's only going to become more true in the coming weeks and months.
The old gunslinger is at it again, hitting the Internet so hard you would've thought it owed him money. One simple 3-word text message, insinuating what exactly is unclear, has literally set the world atwitter with speculation that he will once again retire, and that this time that retirement will stick. My initial reaction can be summed up quite simply here (don't worry, it's SFW): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8vINCq_IAI
For the longer version, we have to step back, take a deep breath, and have a good look at what we're dealing with here.
Heee-hah.
Ready to continue? Good.
Shockwaves thundered across Vikings Nation today as Brett Favre announced he would not be coming back for a 20th NFL season...and then we just kind of went back to what we were doing. I mean come on, it's almost a year to the day that he said he wouldn't be playing last season, and there are still weeks of camp, just how gullible are we expected to be here? Mike Florio from Pro Football Talk nailed my feelings perfectly on the whole thing http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/08/03/our-take-brett-favre-will-play/
Sure the guy is another year older, sure he was banged up at the end of last season, but after sitting around forlornly for three weeks last season until he miraculously appeared...I just can't get too worked up over this. Maybe it's a money play, perhaps his ankle actually needs more rest, could be he's actually having some doubts. But after watching three years of Favreapalooza, I'm actually starting to think this whole act is for nothing more than his own enjoyment. It's like a hot chick who wants to be told she's pretty, you don't why why they ego boost is needed, but you're not getting anywhere without it. The whole Brett dance kind of gives a new meaning to the term "offseason pickup", I feel like I should by him a drink.
So until we know otherwise, the correct internal response is no response at all, but externally we should be gnashing teeth and rending garments in hopes of impression upon our 2009 savior just how much we need him back. And oh do we ever. As much as you tried to block the T-Jack Era out of your memory forever, he's lurking in the shadows, just waiting to jump-pass a wobbler into the arms of a cutting linebacker he never saw. I mean it's to the point we should just get him one of those Jedi training helmets from Star Wars and tell him to use The Force, because the only thing less trustworthy than a Brett Favre statement is a Tarvaris Jackson read.
And that's really the only thing that bothers me here, the lingering thought in the back of my head that this is EXACTLY how karma works when you're a Vikings fan. We snag the iconic QB of our largest rival, laugh our asses off as he whips them twice and wins the division, spend a whole offseason smugly licking our chops for round two...and then the rug gets yanked out from under us. Again, I don't think it WILL happen, but IF it happened, who better than Brett Favre to deliver the death blow? Who better than the face of Packer lore, coming grimly to tear our hearts out one more time? It wouldn't be just the loss of the coming season either. It will be the fact that the team wasted another two years not trying to find a QB, while playing just well enough to get Brad Childress extended, but not winning it all.
I'm honestly alright at the moment, but after a preseason game or two, it's pretty much a lock I wake up at least once, drenched in sweat and screaming, following a dream about T-Jack standing on a podium taking questions at the 2013 Vikings training camp.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horror.
But hey, then I'll just remind myself not to worry, the hero on the white horse will be back soon, and hope will once again return to Loserville, at least for a little while.
That single word, though often misspelled, elicits an instant reaction from any sports fan. Be it a wry smile, chuckle, or grimace of disgust, hearing the man's name spoken out loud, particularly when NFL training camp is underway, is going to draw a response. Given the events of today, that's only going to become more true in the coming weeks and months.
The old gunslinger is at it again, hitting the Internet so hard you would've thought it owed him money. One simple 3-word text message, insinuating what exactly is unclear, has literally set the world atwitter with speculation that he will once again retire, and that this time that retirement will stick. My initial reaction can be summed up quite simply here (don't worry, it's SFW): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8vINCq_IAI
For the longer version, we have to step back, take a deep breath, and have a good look at what we're dealing with here.
Heee-hah.
Ready to continue? Good.
Shockwaves thundered across Vikings Nation today as Brett Favre announced he would not be coming back for a 20th NFL season...and then we just kind of went back to what we were doing. I mean come on, it's almost a year to the day that he said he wouldn't be playing last season, and there are still weeks of camp, just how gullible are we expected to be here? Mike Florio from Pro Football Talk nailed my feelings perfectly on the whole thing http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2010/08/03/our-take-brett-favre-will-play/
Sure the guy is another year older, sure he was banged up at the end of last season, but after sitting around forlornly for three weeks last season until he miraculously appeared...I just can't get too worked up over this. Maybe it's a money play, perhaps his ankle actually needs more rest, could be he's actually having some doubts. But after watching three years of Favreapalooza, I'm actually starting to think this whole act is for nothing more than his own enjoyment. It's like a hot chick who wants to be told she's pretty, you don't why why they ego boost is needed, but you're not getting anywhere without it. The whole Brett dance kind of gives a new meaning to the term "offseason pickup", I feel like I should by him a drink.
So until we know otherwise, the correct internal response is no response at all, but externally we should be gnashing teeth and rending garments in hopes of impression upon our 2009 savior just how much we need him back. And oh do we ever. As much as you tried to block the T-Jack Era out of your memory forever, he's lurking in the shadows, just waiting to jump-pass a wobbler into the arms of a cutting linebacker he never saw. I mean it's to the point we should just get him one of those Jedi training helmets from Star Wars and tell him to use The Force, because the only thing less trustworthy than a Brett Favre statement is a Tarvaris Jackson read.
And that's really the only thing that bothers me here, the lingering thought in the back of my head that this is EXACTLY how karma works when you're a Vikings fan. We snag the iconic QB of our largest rival, laugh our asses off as he whips them twice and wins the division, spend a whole offseason smugly licking our chops for round two...and then the rug gets yanked out from under us. Again, I don't think it WILL happen, but IF it happened, who better than Brett Favre to deliver the death blow? Who better than the face of Packer lore, coming grimly to tear our hearts out one more time? It wouldn't be just the loss of the coming season either. It will be the fact that the team wasted another two years not trying to find a QB, while playing just well enough to get Brad Childress extended, but not winning it all.
I'm honestly alright at the moment, but after a preseason game or two, it's pretty much a lock I wake up at least once, drenched in sweat and screaming, following a dream about T-Jack standing on a podium taking questions at the 2013 Vikings training camp.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The horror.
But hey, then I'll just remind myself not to worry, the hero on the white horse will be back soon, and hope will once again return to Loserville, at least for a little while.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)