I sat down to write something new about the Final Five, then realized that I had nothing new to add.
All I will say is, it will be missed, and leave you with the things I've penned about this tourney, and weekend in general, in the past.
Ranking the greatest sports weekends of the year, and an updated trip down memory lane: http://loservillechronicles.blogspot.com/2011/03/final-five.html
Everything I love about the Final Five: http://loservillechronicles.blogspot.com/2012/03/hoops-hockey-and-hooch-2012-final-five.html
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
March-ing on
As the saying goes: Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you. Well, I’m here to tell you that sometimes the bar punches you in the face, breaks a bottle over your head, drags you outside and urinates on you. This is the story of one of those times.
One month ago, I joined a large group of Gopher hockey fans in traveling to Madison and Chicago (Mad-i-Cago 2013). The impetus for this particular trip was an outdoor game to be played at Soldier Field, but in general, if someone says to me "20 of us are roadtripping to XXX for XXX", I simply say "In" and worry about the details later.
Other than a few concerns about potential sports bigamy allegations (and the inevitable photos of me circulating in a Gopher sweatshirt at a hockey game), this trip was no different. After all, I’d never been to an outdoor game, and a quick conference call with my legal team, made me feel confident that I was covered for temporary Gopher fan status under the "Better Dead Than Red" corollary. It was a phenomenal trip, I had an awesome time…and I never want to do it again.
Why did it take me a month to write about it? Well the first two weeks were spent recovering enough cognitive function to spell my name (much less write a coherent sentence) and the last two have been lived under the shroud of a court-ordered gag order. The aforementioned attorneys have at long last come to the consensus that there’s insufficient evidence for charges to be pursued and most elements of the trip can be discussed. As to those parts that cannot, I will leave things at the same place we left them with the Chicago police department, by stating that no one in our traveling party has any history with ritual sacrifice and that goat looked that way when we found it.
And now, a running diary of our journey into the heart of darkness, or as it’s also known, Wisconsin…
Friday
11:22 AM – Rental car picked up, trip nicely on schedule…and now a request for a bathroom break as soon as we cross the border. Seriously? 20 minutes in and we’re stopping? If you’re going to drink that much of any liquid, make sure it’s a Gatorade so you can use the bottle to relieve yourself, we’re burning daylight here!
12:36 PM – I forgot the speed limit in western Wisconsin is 65, what a horrible thing to do to people. At least the Dakotas realize you’re trying to get through their state as fast as possible, and bump the speed limit accordingly. Wisconsin is apparently hoping you’ll give up at some point en route and take up permanent residence in Fond-du-Lac.
12:45 PM – Car with MN plates being ticketed for speeding.
12:52 PM – And another.
1:05 PM – Once again.
1:23 PM – I wonder if the governor is aware of the highway patrol plan to cover that employee pension shortfall?
1:43 PM – Get a text that one carload has stopped off for Mexican food near Eau Claire. And why not, when you think Mexican food, you think Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
1:56 PM – My god this endless nothing just goes on forever, never seen a place on the way to someplace else that lacks so much of anything.
2:12 PM – We have officially reached the Dells, unfortunately it’s still about 3 months until miniature golf season, what a shame. Urination stop #3 that’s been requested by our wayward friend mentioned earlier, thinking he should get his prostate checked.
2:36 PM – Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
3:11 PM – Here! Now just a quick jog around the city to get on the south side and toward campus.
3:32 PM – Make that somewhat lengthy jog, now being followed by a somewhat lengthy walk toward the Kollege Klub, our agreed upon first destination.
3:40 PM – No city makes you miss college like Madison, not even 4 in the afternoon on a Friday and the first thing we see is a huge beer pong game form up a couple tables away. Remember when your only concern on a Friday afternoon was how to stretch $30 to cover a full weekend of drinking, while still finding a way to eat a couple times? Those were halcyon days indeed.
5:45 PM – All persons accounted for, crew has formed up, player names selected for gambling purposes, time to head back in the general direction of the arena and see what other stops we can make along the way.
6:15 PM –Wandos. Fishbowls. Nuff said.
6:30 PM –I am informed for the first time that they do not sell beer inside the Kohl Center. I could’ve sworn they did on previous trips, but that might’ve just been my general assumption that you can get a beer anywhere in this state. First they take it out of the hockey arenas, next thing you know, a guy won’t even be able to grab a Lenie’s in churches or hospitals. Nice work Wisconsin, the one thing I admired you for is beginning to fade, sad day.
6:45 PM – There’s a store across the street with a sign that says "QUOR". I’m being told that lights on the sign are burned out and they actually do sell booze, we’ll see about that.
6:55 PM – Not selling beer at sporting events leads to irresponsible drinking, take it from me, a guy walking into a hockey game with a flask bottle of vodka in each sock. If they sold beer, we’d just buy a beer, instead we all get to be our own bartenders for the next 2 ½ hours, always a dicey proposition.
7:01 PM – A pro tip for the freshmen laughing at my vodka ankles walking in: The patdowns never go to the ankles. I’m told that this is because there was some lawsuit years ago in which a security person blew out their back bending down to frisk somebody. Not sure if that’s true, but if so, it’s the first time in history that a mindless lawsuit has actually yielded a positive result.
7:03 PM – Formerly snickering freshmen no longer snickering after we pulled the old "I’m not going to give you underage college students a bottle of vodka, I’m just going to leave it sitting here and walk away, not really caring if I ever see it again" trick. What can I say, when you have more than you need and you see others going without, you help out. That’s just how I was raised, you guys.
7:10 PM – Lotta of toilet humor in the stands. I don’t mean dirty language, I mean actual jokes about toilets, serves you right for naming the arena after a toilet magnate Madison.
7:48 PM – Badger fans becoming progressively more annoyed.
8:05 PM – Drunken Sconnie attempting to explain why Wisconsin is on par with Minnesota in terms of hockey talent. D’ohkay!
8:45 PM – Gophers are winning, I’m super psyched.
9:17 PM – Still winning, still super psyched, only now wondering when we can go back to the bar, vodka supplies holding out nicely.
10:05 PM – Back to the friendly confines of State St.! 20-person traveling party beginning to form up into packs and head to different locations. Missing a few bodies, there’s talk of search parties, but it was quickly nixed when it was realized searchers would need to be sent after the searchers. Cell phones have devolved to paper weights at this point.
11:58 PM – Attempts to placate disgruntled parties with chocolate chip cookie unsuccessful, cookie ejected from window at the expense of one screen. Cookie…$1. Hole in screen…$17. Looking down at lonely cookie sitting in parking lot the next morning…Priceless.
Saturday
9:00 AM – First order of business is to placate the small animal in my brain with a bloody mary, at present he’s attempting to claw his way out. Fortunately this one only feels like a squirrel, some days it’s a ferret.
9:17 AM – Pondering set of angry text messages received in the wee hours of the morning by disgruntled member of traveling party. Can’t recall wronging said party, but don’t think it’s directed at me personally, as others have received same. Sluething on hold until hangover is cured.
10:03 AM – With a bit of help from the Yelp app, found a great breakfast place with awesome bloodies, a triumph made all the more sweet by the dubious opinions of my carmates. For future reference, "This place looks like a sh*thole" is not an insult, as the sh*tholes typically have the best food.
10:16 AM – Aggrieved text message sender not harboring significant beef, just got caught up in the heat of the moment. Understandable, as 20 people not answering cell phones would be enough to send anyone off the deep end. He also conveys that he’s eating breakfast in an establishment that doesn’t serve alcohol, which is just a horrible way to start a day of this type. Should’ve picked him up a copy of my book "Life: You’re Not Doing It Right" for Christmas and maybe this could’ve been avoided.
11:30 AM – On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…
12:26 PM – Bladder Boy’s enlarged prostate pays off, as we’re forced to stop at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Janesville, WI. Buzz was fading, now nicely replenished, on to Chitown!
2:30 PM – 4:30 PM – Dropping off rental car, hitching ride into city, checking into hotel. I love Chicago, but going anywhere other than down the block seems to take 45 minutes, one drawback of staying downtown is you need to get there first.
5:00 PM – 8:30 PM – But once you are, Irish bars! Quote of the trip uttered during this stretch: "When you know you’re going to annoy people eventually, it’s good to tip well up front. Call it asshole equity."
Some other contenders:
Some other contenders:
"Well yeah, it’s a big lake, but I don’t see what’s great about it. Which one is that again?"
"I’d apologize for getting us kicked out of that cab, but first I’d have to know if what I said was really that offensive. He might’ve just been reactionary."
"Did you guys know they have bars underground here? True story."
"Big teeth are okay to a point, but there’s a limit. Once you pass that, you’ve got a face on your mouth, rather than vice-versa."
"Just tell your wife it’s like going to a destination wedding, only replace wedding with hockey game."
"I was told I was falling asleep at the bar. Passing out, if you want to be judgmental about it."
9:28 PM –
10:17 PM –
11:45 PM –
(Sorry about that, the aforementioned lawyers really went to work on that section with the sharpie, something about libel suits)
Sunday
7:36 AM – Ugh, my head.
7:42 AM – Fighting the urge to drink a $5 bottle of water from the minibar.
7:46 AM – Fight lost, totally worth it.
8:23 AM – Saying I feel/look like hot garbage would be an insult to refuse that had been left in the sun.
8:36 AM – But no rest for the weary, it’s game day, the reason we made the trip. Time to find some breakfast, bundle up and brave the elements, Let’s Go Sio…er, Gophers! J
10:20 AM – This just in, Chicagoans love their breakfast, all my preferred spots are chock full. The alternatives are to eat somewhere with no drinks (unacceptable!) or press onward. Onward it is.
11:03 AM – Harry Caray’s, Navy Pier, Gopher basketball beating Iowa, good times
11:46 AM – Hangover ebbing, along with Gopher offense.
12:36 PM – Hangover a distant memory, along with Gopher chances of winning.
1:15 PM – T-shirt bearing the slogan "Cool story bro, tell it again" is spotted by a member of the group and purchased for another who’s catchphrase is "Oh bro". This was hilarious, trust me. No, I swear, it really was. Okay, guess you had to be there.
1:33 PM – En route to the game!
2:07 PM – Still en route.
2:22 PM – Can see the stadium, doesn’t seem to be getting much closer.
2:41 PM – Finally out of the cab and walking in, make a few "Roll Tide" joke to piss off departing Notre Dame fans.
2:46 PM – Sobering moment, literally, when about a 100 yards in front of us a guy pitches backwards off a railing he was sitting on and about 15 feet onto concrete. Lands with an audible thud. Disconcerts "Oh bro" immensely, as he was the only one to witness (I just heard the thud) and memories of his own unfortunate falls (including off a railing at the 2011 Final Five) come flooding back. Fortunately two EMTs 20 feet away have sprung into action, and kid will likely be okay. (Note: Scanned news for two weeks after, no mention of any fatalities)
2:52 PM – Guy in Blackhawks jersey lettered with "GRISWOLD", genius.
2:53 PM – Debating merits of Cubs jersey lettered with "BUELLER", consensus is it would be douchy.
3:05 PM – Game on! It’s a crisp 20-something degrees and windy at Soldier Field, who’da thunk?
3:42 PM – Man is this game slow and boring, starting to remember everything anyone has ever told me about attending an outdoor game for the novelty, not the quality of play.
4:15 PM – Wisconsin scores, morale dips, a rousing chorus of "Let’s Go Gophers", followed by an even more spirited "F**k the Badgers" gets things rolling again.
4:48 PM – Another Red goal, followed by another, and the fat lady is warming up.
5:02 PM – Exit, stage left, now to find a cab.
5:17 PM – Apparently everyone else had the same idea, as there are no cabs to be found. We are walking up and down a series of ramps, makes me wish I had something with wheels that did not require much in the way of balance.
5:36 PM – When your cabless, your choices are to continue walking, or find a place to have a drink and wait for the crowds to die down. Guess which one we picked?
5:48 PM – A Badger fan just bought me a beer. You know, people say a lot of negative things about Wisconsinites, but they’re really a pretty swell bunch of people.
6:02 PM – A Badger fan just trash talked me, I hate goddamn Sconnies. Worst part is, my temporary fan contract prevents me from jumping ship in the event of a loss, rather than explaining to them that I’m not a Gopher hockey fan, I just have to suffer through it. Even when I switch sides, I still lose, story of my life.
7:05 PM – Cabs, cabs, glorious cabs! Never mind we covered about 7/8ths of the way to the hotel on foot, we’re riding that last quarter mile!
7:38 PM – Pro tip #2 for Chicago travelers: When they tell you Lower Michigan Avenue is under the street, they aren’t making a joke at your expense, you can actually walk down through the street to another street. And they have bars on those streets too!
8:24 PM – Just had a great cheeseburger that likely violated several health codes, lesson on dives remains the same.
9:30 PM – Early exit to get a good night’s sleep and prepare for flight.
Monday
12:05 AM - Responsible plan for good night’s sleep laid to waste by rambunctious pair of degenerates returning from the bar and making more noise that seemed possible. Resolve to make a $16 screwdriver from the minibar in the morning as payback, since the room is registered to one of them.
8:01 AM – This is the feeling that will eventually make me quit drinking.
8:13 AM – Anyone who tells you that it’s not possible for vomiting to be pleasant has never experienced a dry heave.
8:42 AM – It’s a good thing these windows don’t open all the way.
9:36 AM – Cabs here have a $50 vomit cleanup fee sticker in the backseat, I’m about ready to start haggling for either A. Smaller fee or B. Faster driving, preferably both.
10:12 AM – TSA guy checking boarding passes thinks I look terrible, also an amateur comedian, I am not amused. Just check the ID and can the humor guy, nobody’s looking for sparkling personality out of somebody in your position.
10:15 AM – Why is it the only times I don’t fly through the security line are the times I’m running late?
10:25 AM – If I’d won an Oscar last week, I would’ve thanked the staff at the O’Hare Chili’s, probably wouldn’t have made it here without them.
11:30 AM – Boarding plane.
12:17 PM – Officially behind schedule, due to malfunction with flight attendant seat. Fixing seat now longer than flight duration, seems wrong.
2:27 PM – Fall face first onto couch, vow to never take another hockey roadtrip again.
Hopefully that vow goes better than the one I made last year to not set foot in St. Paul on St. Patrick’s Day again, the legal team found a loophole, they’re earning their money this month!
Friday, February 8, 2013
In case of emergency, break ice
So this is what treading water feels like.
Last week, there were must-win games coming up for the Wild and Gopher basketball. Since then it’s been "one step forward, one step back" for both teams, leaving us in the exact same place we began. Which is to say, quite mediocre.
Well, perhaps not the exact same place, because by definition every week that passes with a .500 record puts both teams in worse shape of making a dent in their respective postseasons. The Wild is rapidly losing their "lotta new pieces, might take some time to gel" fallback position, while the Gophers move ever further from their last impressive victory, and the early season buzz that might’ve helped out their tourney seed.
As of this point, the hockey team is what they’ve been for many years, a fringe playoff contender trying to wring enough goals out of a weak lineup to eek out an 8-seed. The basketball team is better than they’ve been, but only because "abject failure" would be too kind a term to sum up their last decade.
So we’re back in that most unfortunate of places, the holding pattern. As I’ve opined on at some length in the past, Post-Super Bowl February is lousy place to be. These two teams were supposed to offer a distraction from the creeping despair of the most worthless month on the calendar. Instead, they’ve only added to it. But instead of commiserating on the disappointment, let’s instead grab onto the warm nookie-blankie of the Upper Midwest sports fan: College hockey.
The beautiful thing about college hockey is that, except in rare circumstances, your team is probably doing pretty good. After all, there really aren’t very many teams of much consequence, and the ones with broad fans support are (not surprisingly) then good ones. So even if your favorite NHL squad scores less than a Christian rock concert attendee and your college hoops squad runs an offense that would be more apropos to the pre-shot clock era, there’s always a little something called college puck to fall back on. And boy is it a good time to be a college puck fan.
This weekend features my favorite non-North Dakota series of the year, with Minnesota traveling to St. Cloud. Not only do some plucky St. Cloud fans come out of the woodwork to occasionally infuriate my Gopher-loving pals at local bars, it’s typically some very fun hockey to watch. Who can forget the epic 8-7 Huskie victory in the 2006 Final Five? Or the 8-6 Minnesota victory in 2009 that saw a 4-goal 3rd period rally from St. Cloud fall just short?
I may not be a fan of either one of these teams, but when they play, anyone who's a fan of the game of hockey should stop and take notice, because it’s probably going to be very entertaining. As a guy who picked the St. Cloud 7th in the WCHA, all I can say is "my bad!" and move on. They’ve been much better than expected, which should make this weekend’s games a lot of fun. I still think the Gophers ‘A’ game beats anyone, but I’m intrigued to see how they do in a tough road series.
Throw into the mix North Dakota traveling to Omaha to play a nationally televised game tonight, and an outdoor game tomorrow, you’ve got yourself a nice evening of college hockey action. At the risk of sounding like a traitor to my team, it’s getting tough to watch UND games at times, not because of anything to do with the team’s play, but the awful quality of the broadcast. Being old enough to remember when it was nigh impossible to even see a Sioux game on TV should make me less particular, and more appreciative of the progress that’s been made.
Unfortunately, in the era of HD, the contrast that’s observed when flipping between games is almost unbearable. Once you get used to filet mignon, it’s tough going back to rump roast. Don’t even get me started on the fact that the indoor game is the one being broadcast on NBC Sports, while the outdoor one is being ignored, not sure how that makes any sense at all.
The fun continues next week, when I’ll be posing as a Gopher fan for a trip deep into the heart of Badger country, followed by two outdoor games in Chicago, but more on that later. Again, some might question my allegiances, due to the fact I’m making that trip, and the one to Omaha this weekend, but that’s about more than hockey, believe me. I mean Chicago + Madison >>> Omaha, amiright?
There’s also the small issue of a certain traveling companion who decided that having children was more important than roadtrips, hopefully he won’t live to regret that. Now my compadre is just a padre, never forget that the decision to have children has broader consequences, more lives can be ruined than just that of the parents.
So there you go my sporting friend, if you need a respite from all the losing, college hockey is the ticket. The Final Five is 6 weeks from yesterday, the stretch run is about to start, and there’s a reasonable chance of the most popular (although eternally overrated!) team in this town might win it all. What other sport can you say that about?
But hey, if that doesn’t do it for you, at least pitchers and catchers report next week.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Perched on the precipice
Minnesota, where optimism lasts as long as a Kardashian marriage or mayonnaise left in the sun.
Roughly 3 weeks ago, on the 7th of January, I returned from Mexico to a state that was giddy with optimism. The Gopher basketball team was 2-0 in the Big Ten, the NHL lockout had just ended, the Wolves were hanging gamely in the playoff chase, and the USA hockey team had even managed to capture gold at the World Juniors. All was right with the world as I stepped back on to MN soil, it felt like we were finally poised to shake off the funk that’s been plaguing our winter sports franchises for too long.
That sense of optimism ended almost immediately.
Kevin Love was diagnosed with a broken hand, the Gophers went in the tank, and the Wild’s 2-0 start is looking like fools gold with each passing game. We live in a reactionary world, and among the overreactors, I may be king. But trust me when I tell you that tonight is a very big night for two teams in need of an immediate turnaround. Both the Gophers and Wild welcome teams that they not only should beat, but really need to beat if they intend to be anything more than the same squads we’ve been dealing with for years.
It’s still possible to put a silk head on this pig of a four-game slide the hoops team finds itself on. After all, Indiana and Michigan are among the best teams in the country, Northwestern just has our number, and Wisconsin will always be a really tough place to play. While it can’t be denied that there have been some ugly moments over the past couple weeks, but with plenty of time left in the season and a favorable schedule, nothing is totally f*cked just yet. Unfortunately, it’s going to get that way pretty quick if they can’t find ways to win the next two games on the slate.
Nebraska and Iowa have played some good teams tough, but they’ve also been routed by a few and are locks to finish in the bottom half of the Big Ten. Facing these two teams at home before traveling to East Lansing to play a Michigan State team that looks to be hitting it’s stride, two wins are the only acceptable result.
Blowouts would be preferred, comfortable wins would be acceptable, but a win of some kind in each game is absolutely required.
There is no way around this, with three ranked teams, and five "tough" opponents, in the six games following, these two contests absolutely fall into the "must win" category. Lose one and you’re deservedly out of the Top 25 (probably should be already), lose both and you’re on the fast track to possibly playing your way out of the NCAA tourney, as well as one of the most epic collapses ever witnessed. At the moment, they’re in a flat spin, heading out to sea, and if they don’t pull out of it, starting with tonight’s game, Goose is as good as dead.
The Wild’s situation is less dire, but that’s only because they’ve had fewer opportunities to screw up.
Every question asked this week has been prefaced with a "is it too soon to be drawing conclusions" or "acknowledging that we’re only five games in", but as Yogi Berra would say, things are going to get late early. This team opened up with a favorable schedule and has gotten amazing (and unsustainable) production from it’s top line, yet hasn’t really played a full 60 minutes of hockey so far in this young season. There may be encouraging signs, none more so than a strong game against perhaps the league’s best team last Sunday. Unfortunately, even that effort featured a series of lapses that turned it into an overtime loss, something that’s becoming a recurring issue in the early going.
The sky isn’t falling just yet, but by the end of the week, we’ll be 1/6th of the way through this abbreviated season, and things could be looking dicey. Columbus comes in tonight as a bad team playing a back-to-back. As a standalone opponent, that combination should translate into a win. When you throw in concerns about defensive breakdowns, lack of secondary scoring and the next two games looming on the schedule (6-0 Chicago in town Wednesday), all the sudden the sense of urgency surrounding tonight’s tilt gets pretty strong.
Dropping tonight's game makes a 2-5-1 start pretty likely, which is not only a long way from what we had in mind a few weeks ago, it’s getting into uncomfortable déjà vu territory. If the modern NHL has taught us anything, it’s that holes aren’t easy to dig out of when 3 points are being handed out in most games down the stretch.
For comparison's sake, the Gophers are at a DEFCON 2, with the Wild only hovering around DEFCON 4. The former is poised to go flying off the rails, while the latter is simply cause for a raised eyebrow so far. But years of psychosis courtesy of these two squads can’t be so easily forgotten, and the same warning signs are starting to pop up. Tonight could very likely be a turning point for both teams, let’s hope it leads to new territory, instead of more of the same.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Very bad things
There are many things in this world that suck, the following is a partial list of some of them in rank order:
78. People who try to tell me that Eddie Vedder's moaning in "Yellow Ledbetter" has some kind of meaning
Stop it, just stop. You're only going to embarrass yourself, and I'm not going to listen anyway. You know why? Because I can identify nonsensical moaning when I hear it. Yes, there may be the occasional decipherable sentence fragment slipped in, but in general the whole thing comes off about as lucid as me at midnight on St. Patrick's Day.
The hardcores will always try to belittle you with a condescending "some people just don't get it"attitude, but if getting it means you have to come up with fantastical explanation for some (likely drunken) b-side outtake, then I'm glad I dont.
You know what I think it was? A bet. They had an awesome guitar riff, and a wager was made that the song could be a hit without any discernable lyrics. In that sense, I'd love the track, if it was for the horde of Pearl Jam fanboys trying to make it something it's not.
In fact let's just expand this topic to people arguing about music in general, a good song is a good song, and half of half of the people you know will always hate whatever you think is good. It's one thing if you're arguing in a bar to pass the time because the ballgame is on rain delay, but if you actually feel compelled to find deeper meaning in a song or band, then GTFO of here. Sometimes "Hotel California" just means there were a lot of good drugs around in the late 70s, you've been on a two-week bender, and now you need to come up with something (anything!) really f*cking quick.
These people are likely as not f*cking with you when they give you an explanation. I know I would.
"Well you know, my hit song "Donkey At The Center Of The Universe" is really about my fear of taking dumps in public restrooms, in this case the impending BM is the donkey, and he's trapped in the center of a universe he can't escape, all the while just trying to return to his home galaxy"
You see how easy that is?
Meanwhile, the only lyrics that I will accept to "Yellow Ledbetter" are these.
Gets me every time.
59. "Sell By" dates
If you've been paying attention at all, you've noticed that there are two kinds of dates on food packages. The highly useful "Use By", which informs me whether the item I'm holding in my hand is a delicious snack or maggot-infested bag of plauge, and the completely worthless "Sell By", which would only hold meaning if I were running bootleg loads of Doritos into Canada to be hawked out of the back of a van around the corner from a Weight Watchers. Or as it's known in Canada, Bit Hefty There, Eh?
(Not to say I haven't been there, we all did what we had to do to make ends meet in college, but with the price of gas and my proximity to the border these days, I don't envision it becoming an issue in the future)
So now I'm standing in my kitchen, fiddling with my food abacus, trying to figure out if I'm going to be noshing safely, making a couple extra trips to the toilet, or keeling over dead on the spot as a result of indulging in a bit of French onion dip with my Rip-L chips. If the thing has a "Use By" date that had passed, in the trash it would go, no questions asked. Instead I'm left to put on my food scientist cap and do some sleuthing.
Do you know what you get when you Google "how long does salsa last"? A bunch of other clueless idiots offering gems like "if it's not moldy, it might still be good" and "smell it, if it smells okay, try tasting it". In other words, nobody has a f*cking clue what timeframe guarantees how long anything last, unless spores are involved or we're talking about bananas. And even the ugliest damn bananas in the world can still be turned into a pretty damn tasty banana bread.
But why should any of us have to take on that responsibility, do I look like a grocer to you? I'm just a guy trying to nuke some chips with cheese and get back to the couch before the TV timeout is over, NOW YOU'VE PRESENTED ME WITH A COMPLICATION!!!
Truth be told, even grocers don't, I worked in a grocery store as a teenager, you know what the rule was with expired stuff? Move it to the front, hope they don't notice. We went by the same rules people do at home, if that kiwi is moldy, toss it, and scrape the bits of mold off the adjacent kiwis.
Yet instead of making our lives easier, and simply mandating "Use By" dates, some foods just have to carry "Sell By", or it's equally annoying cousin "Packed On". All because some executive at Big Salsa didn't like how far out into the future the preservatives were pushing the dates, and hoped he could catch some consumers throwing out good product through duplicitous chicanery.
My solution has been to boycott any "Sell By" dated food, unless the store is willing to provide the appropriate "Use By" equivalent and sign a commitment pledging coverage of any attendant medical expenses related to use of that product on or before that date. I drafted the agreement myself (thanks LegalZoom!), but I have full confidence that it's legally binding, hence the refusal of any grocery employee to sign of on it thus far. But the struggle continues.
33. The Gopher basketball team's ballhandling skills
Will somebody please hand me my that large black Magic Marker? I need to do some crossing off on my "Teams that might have finally turned the corner" list. The Wolves have had a line through them for weeks now, and after the latest debacle turned in by the maroon-and-gold, they're about to be obliterated as well.
Given a week's time, every bakery in town could not produce the volume of turnovers that the Gophers do every 40 minutes. You could breed puppies for decades and not see as many balls drop as this team does in a week. What do the Gophers, this blog, and a pair of safety scissors have in common? Nothing resembling a point!
Now I'm not saying the season is over because they continued their annual ritual of losing to a lousy Northwestern team. But tight games come down to avoiding turnovers and making free throws, which happen to be the two most glaring weaknesses on this squad, so there's little reason to think any kind of postseason run is in the offing.
And if they go in the tank again, after all we've heard about this team being different? Oh man, then there had better be some firings, and I mean everybody. Different seasons, different players, different contributing factors, same result. Seems to me you need to look for common threads at that point, and there's only one that jumps out.
Maybe Tubby doesn't care if he's coaching for his job, but he'd better at least feel that way, or it's time to just come out and admit that they're not even trying.
28. Egg-white omelets
I ordered an omlette the other day, and was mistakenly given an egg white omelet, which is what they serve for breakfast in hell, accompanied by a pile of cigarette butts in place of hashbrowns.
It's supposed to be a healthier alternative, but it once again points out the paradox of prolonging a life that's likely no longer worth living. Moving into the egg-white omelet zone is akin to being kept alive by machines while comatose. Sure, you're technically alive, but what exactly are you getting out of the whole experience?
Besides, that whole cholesterol thing is being way overblown. Didn't we all come from an egg initially? So how can eggs possibly harm us? That's like a fish drowning or the Incredible Hulk dying from gamma ray exposure, the whole notion is ludicrous. I'd say you're always safe having a nice breakfast of eggs and sausage, since those are the reasons you're here in the first place.
15. Maple syrup flavored whiskey
What the hell is going on here? Don't we already have an awful syrup-tasting alcohol called Captain Morgan, now Crown Royal had to go upping the stakes? Here's a free tip, if you want your whiskey to taste like maple syrup, or honey, or any of the other swichy flavors popping up these days, then you shouldn't be drinking whisky. And if you're pouring Coke into anything better than Windsor, well then we can't be friends.
The only way I can accept the presence of maple flavored whisky is if they thicken it up and intend it solely for use on pancakes. In that case, Crown Royal would be upping the stakes, rather than sullying whiskey's good name.
7. The Wild missing the playoffs
If feelings about hockey teams were lakes, this one would be Erie.
We're only 3 games in, and 2 of them were wins, but something isn't sitting right here. The free agent acquistions, the hype, the raised expectations, all of it is bringing on a disturbing 2011 Eagles/2012 Angels vibe.
Actual sports teams that go the fantasy route never seem to quite pan out, at least not in year one. Now we've got a shortened season, leaving less tolerance for growing pains factoring into the mix, and it's making me uneasy.
Listen, you won't find a bigger Zach Parise guy than me, but the fact remains he's not a high-volume goal scorer, and that's still a glaring weakness. Can he resurrect Dany Heatley and free up Mikko Koivu to have a career year? Perhaps, but there's still nobody on this roster who can be penciled in for 40 goals without a doubt. Not to mention a defensive corps that still needs significant improvement from anyone not named Suter or Spurgeon.
Now I get (fairly) accused of being too negative, and maybe that's just what's going on here. But something has me uneasy, and it's nothing to do with any sort of "inside hockey" analysis, but rather the general pall over anything that starts with high expectations in this town. Everything good seems to come out of expecting nothing (see: 2012 Vikings) while the things that are supposed to work out never do (see: 2012-13 Timberwolves).
But I hope I'm wrong, because another lost hockey season would be the 7th-worst thing ever, right behind getting eaten by a shark and right in front of finding out my new internet girlfriend isn't real.
78. People who try to tell me that Eddie Vedder's moaning in "Yellow Ledbetter" has some kind of meaning
Stop it, just stop. You're only going to embarrass yourself, and I'm not going to listen anyway. You know why? Because I can identify nonsensical moaning when I hear it. Yes, there may be the occasional decipherable sentence fragment slipped in, but in general the whole thing comes off about as lucid as me at midnight on St. Patrick's Day.
The hardcores will always try to belittle you with a condescending "some people just don't get it"attitude, but if getting it means you have to come up with fantastical explanation for some (likely drunken) b-side outtake, then I'm glad I dont.
You know what I think it was? A bet. They had an awesome guitar riff, and a wager was made that the song could be a hit without any discernable lyrics. In that sense, I'd love the track, if it was for the horde of Pearl Jam fanboys trying to make it something it's not.
In fact let's just expand this topic to people arguing about music in general, a good song is a good song, and half of half of the people you know will always hate whatever you think is good. It's one thing if you're arguing in a bar to pass the time because the ballgame is on rain delay, but if you actually feel compelled to find deeper meaning in a song or band, then GTFO of here. Sometimes "Hotel California" just means there were a lot of good drugs around in the late 70s, you've been on a two-week bender, and now you need to come up with something (anything!) really f*cking quick.
These people are likely as not f*cking with you when they give you an explanation. I know I would.
"Well you know, my hit song "Donkey At The Center Of The Universe" is really about my fear of taking dumps in public restrooms, in this case the impending BM is the donkey, and he's trapped in the center of a universe he can't escape, all the while just trying to return to his home galaxy"
You see how easy that is?
Meanwhile, the only lyrics that I will accept to "Yellow Ledbetter" are these.
Gets me every time.
59. "Sell By" dates
If you've been paying attention at all, you've noticed that there are two kinds of dates on food packages. The highly useful "Use By", which informs me whether the item I'm holding in my hand is a delicious snack or maggot-infested bag of plauge, and the completely worthless "Sell By", which would only hold meaning if I were running bootleg loads of Doritos into Canada to be hawked out of the back of a van around the corner from a Weight Watchers. Or as it's known in Canada, Bit Hefty There, Eh?
(Not to say I haven't been there, we all did what we had to do to make ends meet in college, but with the price of gas and my proximity to the border these days, I don't envision it becoming an issue in the future)
So now I'm standing in my kitchen, fiddling with my food abacus, trying to figure out if I'm going to be noshing safely, making a couple extra trips to the toilet, or keeling over dead on the spot as a result of indulging in a bit of French onion dip with my Rip-L chips. If the thing has a "Use By" date that had passed, in the trash it would go, no questions asked. Instead I'm left to put on my food scientist cap and do some sleuthing.
Do you know what you get when you Google "how long does salsa last"? A bunch of other clueless idiots offering gems like "if it's not moldy, it might still be good" and "smell it, if it smells okay, try tasting it". In other words, nobody has a f*cking clue what timeframe guarantees how long anything last, unless spores are involved or we're talking about bananas. And even the ugliest damn bananas in the world can still be turned into a pretty damn tasty banana bread.
But why should any of us have to take on that responsibility, do I look like a grocer to you? I'm just a guy trying to nuke some chips with cheese and get back to the couch before the TV timeout is over, NOW YOU'VE PRESENTED ME WITH A COMPLICATION!!!
Truth be told, even grocers don't, I worked in a grocery store as a teenager, you know what the rule was with expired stuff? Move it to the front, hope they don't notice. We went by the same rules people do at home, if that kiwi is moldy, toss it, and scrape the bits of mold off the adjacent kiwis.
Yet instead of making our lives easier, and simply mandating "Use By" dates, some foods just have to carry "Sell By", or it's equally annoying cousin "Packed On". All because some executive at Big Salsa didn't like how far out into the future the preservatives were pushing the dates, and hoped he could catch some consumers throwing out good product through duplicitous chicanery.
My solution has been to boycott any "Sell By" dated food, unless the store is willing to provide the appropriate "Use By" equivalent and sign a commitment pledging coverage of any attendant medical expenses related to use of that product on or before that date. I drafted the agreement myself (thanks LegalZoom!), but I have full confidence that it's legally binding, hence the refusal of any grocery employee to sign of on it thus far. But the struggle continues.
33. The Gopher basketball team's ballhandling skills
Will somebody please hand me my that large black Magic Marker? I need to do some crossing off on my "Teams that might have finally turned the corner" list. The Wolves have had a line through them for weeks now, and after the latest debacle turned in by the maroon-and-gold, they're about to be obliterated as well.
Given a week's time, every bakery in town could not produce the volume of turnovers that the Gophers do every 40 minutes. You could breed puppies for decades and not see as many balls drop as this team does in a week. What do the Gophers, this blog, and a pair of safety scissors have in common? Nothing resembling a point!
Now I'm not saying the season is over because they continued their annual ritual of losing to a lousy Northwestern team. But tight games come down to avoiding turnovers and making free throws, which happen to be the two most glaring weaknesses on this squad, so there's little reason to think any kind of postseason run is in the offing.
And if they go in the tank again, after all we've heard about this team being different? Oh man, then there had better be some firings, and I mean everybody. Different seasons, different players, different contributing factors, same result. Seems to me you need to look for common threads at that point, and there's only one that jumps out.
Maybe Tubby doesn't care if he's coaching for his job, but he'd better at least feel that way, or it's time to just come out and admit that they're not even trying.
28. Egg-white omelets
I ordered an omlette the other day, and was mistakenly given an egg white omelet, which is what they serve for breakfast in hell, accompanied by a pile of cigarette butts in place of hashbrowns.
It's supposed to be a healthier alternative, but it once again points out the paradox of prolonging a life that's likely no longer worth living. Moving into the egg-white omelet zone is akin to being kept alive by machines while comatose. Sure, you're technically alive, but what exactly are you getting out of the whole experience?
Besides, that whole cholesterol thing is being way overblown. Didn't we all come from an egg initially? So how can eggs possibly harm us? That's like a fish drowning or the Incredible Hulk dying from gamma ray exposure, the whole notion is ludicrous. I'd say you're always safe having a nice breakfast of eggs and sausage, since those are the reasons you're here in the first place.
15. Maple syrup flavored whiskey
What the hell is going on here? Don't we already have an awful syrup-tasting alcohol called Captain Morgan, now Crown Royal had to go upping the stakes? Here's a free tip, if you want your whiskey to taste like maple syrup, or honey, or any of the other swichy flavors popping up these days, then you shouldn't be drinking whisky. And if you're pouring Coke into anything better than Windsor, well then we can't be friends.
The only way I can accept the presence of maple flavored whisky is if they thicken it up and intend it solely for use on pancakes. In that case, Crown Royal would be upping the stakes, rather than sullying whiskey's good name.
7. The Wild missing the playoffs
If feelings about hockey teams were lakes, this one would be Erie.
We're only 3 games in, and 2 of them were wins, but something isn't sitting right here. The free agent acquistions, the hype, the raised expectations, all of it is bringing on a disturbing 2011 Eagles/2012 Angels vibe.
Actual sports teams that go the fantasy route never seem to quite pan out, at least not in year one. Now we've got a shortened season, leaving less tolerance for growing pains factoring into the mix, and it's making me uneasy.
Listen, you won't find a bigger Zach Parise guy than me, but the fact remains he's not a high-volume goal scorer, and that's still a glaring weakness. Can he resurrect Dany Heatley and free up Mikko Koivu to have a career year? Perhaps, but there's still nobody on this roster who can be penciled in for 40 goals without a doubt. Not to mention a defensive corps that still needs significant improvement from anyone not named Suter or Spurgeon.
Now I get (fairly) accused of being too negative, and maybe that's just what's going on here. But something has me uneasy, and it's nothing to do with any sort of "inside hockey" analysis, but rather the general pall over anything that starts with high expectations in this town. Everything good seems to come out of expecting nothing (see: 2012 Vikings) while the things that are supposed to work out never do (see: 2012-13 Timberwolves).
But I hope I'm wrong, because another lost hockey season would be the 7th-worst thing ever, right behind getting eaten by a shark and right in front of finding out my new internet girlfriend isn't real.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The bitter end
It’s that time of year again, the time when most of my best friends become mortal enemies and spend much of their time disparaging the quality of my education. Yes folks, it’s North Dakota week.
Unfortunately, there’s a cloud hanging over things this time around, as it’s the last scheduled game these two teams will play for some time. While there’s always the chance of a clash in the Final Five later this year, or a national tournament game down the line, the next certain meeting of these teams has not been booked, and will be at least 3 years out under any scenario. This is a profound bummer, not only for us ND fans living in Minneapolis, but for fans of college hockey the world over.
Just over two years ago, I penned my personal ode to the rivalry in this space. Since then, plenty has happened to add fuel to the fire.
The Golden Gophers got their groove back, rising from the ashes of a mediocre three-year stretch to make last season’s Frozen Four, which of course feature both heartbreak (Final Five Semifinal) and triumph (West Regional Final) agianst their biggest rival in the span of a week. Now we’re headed into a series that’s reminiscent of the old days, with both teams highly ranked and harboring big aspirations for the future.
The only problem is, the future keeps hanging over the present.
I’m really hoping that when the puck drops on Friday, some kind of switch flips, and I get back the feeling I’ve had every other time these two teams met. An almost giddy anticipation, excitement mingled with nerves, used to take me up to these tilts, but now it’s just feeling like any other game. Don’t get me wrong, I want my team to win badly. The last thing that I need is to get trash-talked by another drunken 18-year old leaving Mariucci on Saturday, or get texted pictures of brooms for an hour after a Minnesota sweep. Points are points, and every point in this league is big, but knowing that it’s likely going to be 2017 before another head-to-head matchup just takes away that little something that used to make this more than a hockey game.
There may be one weekend left, but it already feels like things have moved on.
Some people may consider it a point of pride to win the last WCHA matchup between these two teams, but at the end of the day, the stakes of these games can’t hold a candle to a dozen of others they’ve played over the last decade. Closing out the Final Five on Saturday night would be something special, and obviously any postseason matchup with the season on the line is huge, but as for regular season conference games, they already feel hollow. The conference will soon cease to exist, and with that, all it’s great history will start the inevitable fade to black. The defending champ of nothing is...nothing, frankly.
Because despite what people might try to tell you, when the puck drops next year, Minnesota and North Dakota will begin the process of ceasing to be rivals. It won’t happen overnight, and may be propped up by a chance meeting in a big game, but eventually they will just be two teams that, although close geographically, will be light years apart in perspective. Gopher fans will be more worried about the Michigan score that evening, NoDak fans circling the weekend when Denver comes to town. Time will pass, and new traditions will emerge to bury the old ones, perhaps even a few that can measure up to their predecessors.
My apologies if this is coming across like a bummer, but the truth is I’m bummed. Rather than a glorious final year in the sun, the demise of the WCHA is striking me as just that, one long drawn-out funeral. It’s impossible to think about what's currently happening without also thinking about the things that are about to be lost, because a lot of those things are why I loved the game of college hockey so much in the first place.
Now go back and read the old piece, my heart was in it then, and it truly does this whole thing justice.
Friday, January 11, 2013
And we're back...
It's been a long time since I posted anything here, 79 days to be exact.
Or 1,896 hours if you want to be more exact; 113,760 minutes more exact still.
As often happens in life, the time got away from me. A new job started in November has limited my time, the holidays and a trip out of the country for a friend's wedding ate up more time still. As often happens during the end of the year, with so much to wrap up and as much to begin anew, these preiodic jotting simply slipped to the bottom of the prioity list.
Truth be told, it was less about time (which I always manage to waste in spades, I assure you) and more about apathy. As I said in the last post pre-hiatus, my muse was gone. Sure there was a half-hearted peptalk that followed, "everything going terribly is not an excuse when terrible is the norm" and all that, but it just wasn't kicking. I was burned out on the terrible, the terrible had done me in.
As a battle-hardened veteran of struggles with success, I'm not proud to admit that. But this blog was intended to be a coping mechanism in sorting out the kind of crushing heartbreak only dealt by failure in big moments. Not a daily dose of sports Prozac to numb the despair of perpetual ineptitude.
It all got to be too much, and after the NHL lockout took away what seemed like our one chance at redemption before it even had a chance to breath, I tuned out. As I said, I'm not proud of it, and rest assured that this blog was always coming back. It just took longer than it should've, and for that I blame myself.
Several weeks ago, with a busy holiday schedule and heavy workload looming, I told myself that my New Year's resolution was to get this thing started again. Since then, funny things have been happening.
For the first time in several years, I walked into my favorite Vikings bar for a big game, it was packed to the seams, and they actually won. For the first time in what seems like forever, the Gopher basketball team looks like a group worthy of expectations higher than "if they can just go .500 in the Big Ten, maybe we can make the tourney". For the first time ever, we're going to get to see the team skate that we anticipated so feverishly when the news came down last 4th of July.
Do I take credit for any of this? Absolutely not. To the contray actually, I'm just hoping my return doesn't f**k everyting up. Loyal readers may recall that this blog began shortly before the 2009 NFC Championship game, and things have been going downhill ever since. If the Gophers get routed by Michigan tomorrow, I'm going to curse myself mightily for the timing of this post, superstition is a cruel master.
But another funny thing happened in the past few weeks, Patrick Reusse penned this piece for the Strib about a potential end to our sports horrors, even inserting the word "Loserville" in it's title. Is he right, and we're finally done wandering in the wilderness? Who knows, but it's clear that there's at least a reason to tune in, win, lose or draw.
I told myself when this started out that it wouldn't end until we had a professional sports team with a title. (And no, smartass, the Lynx do not count) I plan on sticking with that. Don't think I'm back on the bandwagon just because things are looking better, anyone who knows me will tell you I've always been driving it. It's was just tough taking the time to rehash everything when it had already been so painful to watch in the first place.
Out watching the Gophers play Illinois last Wednesday, when Andre Hollins knocked in a half-courter off the glass with the shot clock expiring, everyone in the bar went nuts, just like when Blair Walsh kicked the Vikes into the playoffs.
That sound, for better or for worse, hits the tuning fork in my heart, and on both occasions, made me realize it was time to get back to work.
Let's Go Minnesota, this isn't over yet.
Or 1,896 hours if you want to be more exact; 113,760 minutes more exact still.
As often happens in life, the time got away from me. A new job started in November has limited my time, the holidays and a trip out of the country for a friend's wedding ate up more time still. As often happens during the end of the year, with so much to wrap up and as much to begin anew, these preiodic jotting simply slipped to the bottom of the prioity list.
Truth be told, it was less about time (which I always manage to waste in spades, I assure you) and more about apathy. As I said in the last post pre-hiatus, my muse was gone. Sure there was a half-hearted peptalk that followed, "everything going terribly is not an excuse when terrible is the norm" and all that, but it just wasn't kicking. I was burned out on the terrible, the terrible had done me in.
As a battle-hardened veteran of struggles with success, I'm not proud to admit that. But this blog was intended to be a coping mechanism in sorting out the kind of crushing heartbreak only dealt by failure in big moments. Not a daily dose of sports Prozac to numb the despair of perpetual ineptitude.
It all got to be too much, and after the NHL lockout took away what seemed like our one chance at redemption before it even had a chance to breath, I tuned out. As I said, I'm not proud of it, and rest assured that this blog was always coming back. It just took longer than it should've, and for that I blame myself.
Several weeks ago, with a busy holiday schedule and heavy workload looming, I told myself that my New Year's resolution was to get this thing started again. Since then, funny things have been happening.
For the first time in several years, I walked into my favorite Vikings bar for a big game, it was packed to the seams, and they actually won. For the first time in what seems like forever, the Gopher basketball team looks like a group worthy of expectations higher than "if they can just go .500 in the Big Ten, maybe we can make the tourney". For the first time ever, we're going to get to see the team skate that we anticipated so feverishly when the news came down last 4th of July.
Do I take credit for any of this? Absolutely not. To the contray actually, I'm just hoping my return doesn't f**k everyting up. Loyal readers may recall that this blog began shortly before the 2009 NFC Championship game, and things have been going downhill ever since. If the Gophers get routed by Michigan tomorrow, I'm going to curse myself mightily for the timing of this post, superstition is a cruel master.
But another funny thing happened in the past few weeks, Patrick Reusse penned this piece for the Strib about a potential end to our sports horrors, even inserting the word "Loserville" in it's title. Is he right, and we're finally done wandering in the wilderness? Who knows, but it's clear that there's at least a reason to tune in, win, lose or draw.
I told myself when this started out that it wouldn't end until we had a professional sports team with a title. (And no, smartass, the Lynx do not count) I plan on sticking with that. Don't think I'm back on the bandwagon just because things are looking better, anyone who knows me will tell you I've always been driving it. It's was just tough taking the time to rehash everything when it had already been so painful to watch in the first place.
Out watching the Gophers play Illinois last Wednesday, when Andre Hollins knocked in a half-courter off the glass with the shot clock expiring, everyone in the bar went nuts, just like when Blair Walsh kicked the Vikes into the playoffs.
That sound, for better or for worse, hits the tuning fork in my heart, and on both occasions, made me realize it was time to get back to work.
Let's Go Minnesota, this isn't over yet.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Not exactly words to live by, but they probably won't kill you either
I’ve lost my muse, have you seen it?
Feeling lethargic, listless, even a bit languid these days,
as I try to spark some kind of interest in the local sports scene.
Kevin Love has a broken hand, the NHL lockout is making a
cancelled hockey season more likely by the day, and the chances of a 1,000-day
postseason drought are getting more real by the day. It’s in front of this backdrop that I’m
struggling to find something to write that doesn’t resemble a 3-year old child’s
tantrum. Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh,
everything sucks, it’s not fair!!!
Because this is Loserville, and that concept has been done
to death. Sure you could go the other
way by singing the praises of a 5-2 Vikings team, but that’s not going to last
either. The Vikings will not save you,
they will only find a more sinister way to bring about your ultimate
demise. And yes, I know, every time I
insult them, they turn around and prove me wrong, but that’s just part of the
spectacle. Nothing has changed but the
schedule being even softer than it first appeared.
So, where does a chap go for a shot of positivity between
football weekends when everything seems bleak?
How about some good old fashioned nonsensical rambling? Digging into the Loserville Rules of Life sounds
like a solid idea. There’s not much I
know for certain in this life, but there are a few things, and here they are:
Never make a joke about a bomb at an airport – This one
would seem to be obvious, yet none other than a college hockey referee made themistake a few weeks ago. I’m sure every
person sitting through a shutdown of that airport took solace when thinking
about whatever uncomfortable body-cavity searches he was subject to.
Never go into the back room at a strip club – Chris Rock
said it in a more catchy fashion, but it remains true, nobody’s interested in
you and the meter spins like the national debt clock. You’re basically paying for a more comfortable
seat by spending roughly the equivalent of a new couch. Of course if it wasn’t for alcohol, would
never be an issue, stupid alcohol.
Never (ever!) go into the back room adjacent to the bathroom
in a gay nightclub – Most men are ingrained with the instinct to avoid this
situation like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter, no pun intended. But occasionally, one is pressed into service
to locate his girlfriend’s pal, who’s disappeared into the backroom with some
random dude. If he’s an idiot, he
listens, instead of countering that it actually makes more logical sense for
her to be the one to attempt a rescue from Manlove Island. Sure, I’ve only heard about this happening once,
but that doesn’t change the fact that once I did, it
immediately became one of my tenets for life.
I also wanted to bring it up again in case the guy who told me is
reading this, because it will make him cringe, what has been seen cannot be
unseen.
Never patronize businesses close to holidays unless
absolutely necessary – Other than maybe the kids in those African famine
commercials, I never see a sadder group of people than those forced to work on
days that 90% of the public has off. On
one hand, I suppose you could spin it as a good thing, since it motivates
people to higher achievement and jobs you only have to worry about hating on a
predictable 9-5 / Monday-Friday schedule, rather than the scattershot “Sunday
on, Monday off” world of retail or convenience store work. But what needs to be remembered here is that
it sucks to be surrounded by people who are doing fun stuff while you’re stuck
going to work. It’s something I like to
call the Vacation Comportment Corollary.
You want to send emails to the folks at work about how much the security
lines suck? Fine, that might make their
Monday sound better by comparison. But
if you’re starting off Tuesday with a picture of a white sand beach and the
caption “How’s work suckers?”, then you’re a dick. So while I get that you may need to run to
7/11 if you need more butter for a Thanksgiving recipe, or you need a trip to
the mall to say your procrastinating ass at 4 PM on Christmas Eve, try to avoid
these behaviors under less critical conditions.
People in those type of positions get paid the same amount regardless of
the actual amount of work they have to do.
Heading to Target on Easter and putting some poor kid through the ringer
with 57 questions about a digital camera is not okay. He’s just trying to coast and make his $8 an
hour in peace, let him be. Of course
this doesn’t apply to tipped employees, since their pay is commensurate with
the service they provide. This exempts
bars from the discussion and leaves me free to patronize them on Thanksgiving
and Christmas with impugnity.
Never forget to keep a book of matches by your toilet – I know
it may seem a bit crass to have a book of matches just sitting there on the lid
of your toilet, but you can easily get around that problem by classing it up
with a little pottery-type dish, or something of that nature. Besides, do the aesthetic concerns surrounding
your bathroom really trump the social embarrassment of the defecator and
olfactory discomfort of those who follow?
It’s true that bathroom etiquette is a two way street, people should do
their utmost to attend to their business before placing themselves in a
crowded, single-bathroom situation, but sometimes things get away from you. I’m as regular as the postal service, but
give me some extremely spicy or exotic food and results may vary. Just sayin, it hurts no one to leave the matches
in there, your benefitting all parties involved here. The exit accompanied by the smell of a flaming
match is about 1/10th as sheepish as the one accompanied by the
stench of a flaming o-ring. Not to
mention how much the on-deck batter appreciates the effort.
Never wait for a closer parking spot at the gym – Is it
possible to miss the point any more than this?
If it’s pouring rain, freezing cold, or there are no more spots available,
then sure. But if it’s a mild day with
none of the above? Park the damn car and
cut short your treadmill time by 15 seconds.
Everytime I pull into the lot, there seems to be some clod holding up
the show, because they’re angling for a parking spot 20 yards closer. I know that they probably can’t help themselves,
that they’re conditioned by years of trips to the mall and supermarket to
always try for the nearest possible spot, it’s a reflex action. But along those lines, let me just say that I’m
conditioned to strike people in the face when I see them doing something
stupid, so be prepared. Here’s a radical
notion, if you parked 50 yards further away everywhere you went, maybe you
could skip a gym trip every couple of weeks?
It’s worth considering.
That’s all I have for life wisdom at the moment, tune in
next week when I segue back to sports with important topics like “See? I told you Ponder sucks” and “The Timberwolves
Curse: Is it possible Target Center is on an Indian burial ground?”
Friday, October 12, 2012
One last time, for old time's sake: 2012 WCHA Preview
Well, this is it, my last WCHA
preview ever.
Even though we’re many months
from the 50-year history of the league ending and its teams scattering to the
winds, the thought of it hangs over everything.
It makes the start of this season a bit melancholy to think
about all of the great things that won’t be an annual part of life in coming
years.
Gone will be the best rivalry in
college hockey (North Dakota-Minnesota), as well as the two most convenient
opportunities to catch my favorite team in person (Mariucci and Mankato). Gone will be the excitement of
the Final Five, and with it the chance to see 19,000 people packed to the
rafters to watch a college hockey game.
Gone will be many of the roadtrip opportunities and chances to meet
out-of-town fans that having seven league members within a 4-hour radius
provided.
Basically, a lot of the reasons I
came to love this game in the first place.
New rivals and traditions will
emerge, and our teams will still be our teams.
It just seemed like we had a pretty perfect thing going here, so by definition, change is unlikely to be for the better.
I’m not going to dwell on this all season. It needs to be put aside in favor of soaking
up every last memory and minute the WCHA has to offer. But it did warrant mentioning, that much is
for sure.
Now, let’s get down to brass
tacks.
Last season, I predict the league
to finish this way:
1.
Denver Pioneers
2.
Colorado College Tigers
3.
North Dakota Fighting Sioux
4.
Minnesota Golden Gophers
5.
Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs
6.
Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks
7.
St. Cloud State Huskies
8.
Bemidji State Beavers
9.
Wisconsin Badgers
10.
Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves
11.
Minnesota State-Mankato
Mavericks
12.
Michigan Tech Huskies
It ended up like this:
1.
Minnesota Golden Gophers
2.
Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs
3.
Denver Pioneers
4.
North Dakota Fighting Sioux
5.
Colorado College Tigers
6.
St. Cloud State Huskies
7.
Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks
8.
Michigan Tech Huskies
9.
Bemidji State Beavers
10.
Wisconsin Badgers
11.
Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves
12.
Minnesota State-Mankato
Mavericks
Not a horrible
job, all things considered. I gave
Denver and CC too much credit, sold Minnesota and Duluth a bit short, but
all in all a fairly accurate set of finishes.
I’d been the
guy picking the Gophers to have a bounce back season in each of the last 3
years, so it stands to reason that the year I gave up is the one where they
actually did. Now things are back to
where we’re used to seeing them, picked to win the league and potentially make
a return trip to the Frozen Four. But
it’s a long way from here to there, especially when you have unproven
goaltending, so it’s not time to concede anything just yet.
1.
Minnesota Golden Gophers
2011-12 Record: 28-14-1
Overall – 20-8-0 1st WCHA,
lost in National Semifinal
Key returning players: Nick Bjugstad – F (25g-17a—42pts), Zach Budish – F (12g-23a—35pts),
Erik Haula – F (20g-29a—49pts), Kyle Rau – F (18g-25a—43pts), Nate Schmidt
(2g-21a – 23pts)
Key
Losses: Kent Patterson – G (.907 SV%, 2.32 GAA 28-14-1 record), Jake Hansen – F
(16g-22a—38pts), Taylor Mattson – F (8g-13a—23pts)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Mike Reilly – D, Brady Skjei – D, Adam Wilcox – G
Outlook: But will unproven goaltending keep me from picking the Gophers
to win the league?
Not hardly, this team will be a scary opponent regardless of who's between the pipes. Especially considering that their all-league
goaltender looked more pedestrian during the second half of last season than at
any point in his career.
Patterson had a 1.71
GAA with a .933 save % entering Thanksgiving weekend, numbers that are even
more eye-popping when you consider they came behind a bunch of freshman and
sophomore defensemen. His final stats
certainly weren’t bad, but indicate that the Gophers should win any game where
the guy in net manages to stop 9 out of every 10 shots.
Anyone who’s been
paying attention knows Nick Bjugstad is a beast, Erik Haula’s versatility is
impressive and Kyle Rau is a lock for 20 goals at minimum. Throw in an expected bounce from Zach Budish
(power forward with nice touch around the net), Nate Condon (shorthanded wizard
who can flat out fly) and a young defensive corps, you’ve got yourself one
complete hockey team.
Anything can happen
if your goaltending flakes out in a one-and-done scenario, but over the course
of the conference season grind, it’s tough to pick against Minnesota.
2.
North Dakota (TBD)
2011-12 Record: 25-14-1
Overall – 16-11-0 4th WCHA
Key returning players: Corbin
Knight – F (16g-24a—40pts), Danny Kristo – F (19g-26—45pts), Carter Rowney – F (18g-15a—33pts),
Nick Mattson – D (6g-13a—19pts), Dillon Simpson – D (2g-16a—18pts).
Key
Losses: Brock Nelson – F (28g-19a—47pts), Aaron Dell – G (.900 SV%, 2.67 GAA
18-10-2 record), Ben Blood – D (3g-18a—21pts)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Jordan Schmaltz – D, Zane Gothberg – G
Outlook:
It was a disappointing day when Brock Nelson decided to leave Grand
Forks after his sophomore season. The
leading goal-scorer in the WCHA not only had a monster campaign, but also
looked like he was far from hitting his ceiling. But early departures are a fact of life, and while 28 goals is a big number to replace, the
North Dakota cupboard is far from bare.
A few potential defections were avoided
in seniors Corban Knight and Danny Kristo, as well as junior defenseman Derek
Forbort, with another solid recruiting class added to the mix. The best addition to the team this season
will likely be last year’s anticipated star freshman Rocco Grimaldi, who missed
all but a handful of games due to injury.
Freshman Jordan Schmaltz, a 1st round blueliner in 2012,
should also be fun to watch.
Last season's rash of injuries that saw the Sioux (I can say it, talking about last year in this context) skate a man short for much of the season could turn out to be a blessing in disguise this time around. Many young players were called upon and responded well during the stretch run, which should provide for a deep team and fierce competition for ice time.
But as with Minnesota, the goaltending question is a pesky one, with a transfer and a freshman looking to take the reigns from a pair of experienced netminders.
3. Wisconsin Badgers
2011-12 Record: 17-18-2 Overall – 11-15-2 10th WCHA
Key returning players: Mark Zengerle – F (13g-37a—50pts), Michael Mersch – F (14g-16a—30pts), Tyler Barnes – F (11g-15a—26pts), John Ramage – D (3g-7a—10pts), Jake McCabe – D (3g-9a—12pts), Joel Rumpel – G (.919 SV%, 2.48 GAA, 12-12-2)
Key Losses: Justin Schultz – D (16g-28a—44pts)
Key Incoming Freshmen: Morgan Zulinick – F, Kevin Schulze – D, Nic Kerdiles – D
Outlook: Last year, the Badgers were either a bad team that played a lot of good games, or a good team that threw out a lot of clunkers. Obviously, if you finish 10th in the WCHA, you were bad, but I saw enough promise to make me think there's a lot to like about this season's Wisconsin club.
Playing tough teams well, then turning around and losing to the dregs of the league is a sign of a young team lacking focus. In fact, they reminded me of something I wrote about Minnesota coming into last season: "The Gophers were .500 or better against Denver, Duluth, North Dakota and Wisconsin last year, throwing in a 3-1 non-conference win over Michigan to boot. That's 3 of 4 Frozen Four participants that they either bested or fought to a draw. A few of those wins were even of the dominant variety."
The Badgers ended last year on a 5-8 slide, which featured 9 of 13 games against Denver, Minnesota and North Dakota. 4 of those losses were one-goal games, including Game 3 of their first round playoff series in Denver, when they gave the Pioneers everything they could handle before falling 3-2 in OT.
Mark Zengerle is the best assist man in the league and (Burnsville's own, holla!) Tyler Barnes is poised to become an elite goal scorer. If they can avoid forgetting to show up every third series, this team should be in the mix all year.
4. Denver Pioneers
2011-12 Record: 25-14-4 Overall – 16-8-4 3rd WCHA
Key returning players: Nick Shore – F (13g-28a—41pts), Shawn Ostrow – F (11g-10a—21pts), Joey LaLeggia – D (11g-27a—38pts), Ty Loney – F (10g-11a—21pts), Sam Brittain (.932 SV%, 2.36 GAA, 8-4-0 record)
Key Losses: Drew Shore – F (22g-31a—51pts), Jason Zucker – F (22g-24a—46pts), Beau Bennett – F (4g-9a—13pts), Luke Salazar – F (12g-18a—30pts).
Key Incoming Freshmen: Dakota Mermis – D, Quentin Shore – F, Nolan Zajac – D, Gabe Levin – F, Grant Arnold – F
Outlook: Like anyone else, I can read the first two names on the list of players the Pioneers lost this year and realize that they have a whole lot of scoring to replace. But they also have potentially the league's best goalie coming back from losing much of a season to injury, and a knack for finishing in the top half of the league no matter what the circumstance.
The last time Denver finished outside the Top 4 in the WCHA? 2002-03. I'm pretty sure they've had a few tough departures and predictions of down years in the time since. The man may look like a nerdy Bond villain, but you have to give Gwozdecky credit for the phenomenal consistency his program shows.
Toss in a favorable schedule (one series with MN and WI, only road series before December is Mankato) and I like the chances of the streak continuing.
5.
Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs
2011-12 Record: 25-10-6
Overall – 16-7-5 2nd WCHA
Key returning players: Caleb
Hebert – F (14g-19a—33pts), Mike Seidel – F (17g-13a—30pts)
Key
Losses: Jack Connolly – F (20g-40a—60pts), Travis Olesksuk – F (21g-32a—53pts),
J.T. Brown – F (24g-23a—47pts), Brady Lamb – D (9g-22a—31pts)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Austin Farley – F, Tony Cameranesi – F, Andy Welinski – D, Matt McNeely
– G, Austyn Young – F
Outlook: Deja vu, all over again. Last year I said that the Bulldogs had lost too much when Justin Fontaine and Mike Connolly left the team. Turns out, the third guy on that power play was also pretty good, all he did was win the Hobey Baker as the best player on a team that finished league runner-up.
Now, with Jack Connolly, JT Brown, Travis Oleksuk and Brady Lamb all having played their last game in a Duluth sweater, I am willing to re-iterate my previous claim. Enough firepower to grab a home ice spot for the playoffs, but not enough to seriously challenge for the top spot.
Remind me I said this when they're traveling to Mariucci with a chance to tie the Gophers for 1st at the end of February.
6.
Colorado College Tigers
2011-12 Record: 26-13-3
– 15-12-1 – 5th WCHA
Key returning players: Rylan
Schwartz – F (23g-17a—40pts), Joe Howe – G (.882 SV%, 3.48 GAA 5-8-1), Josh
Thorimbert – G (.924 SV%, 2.35 GAA, 18-8-1).
Key
Losses: Jaden Schwartz – F (15g-26a—41pts), Nick Dineen – F (14g-12a—26pts),
Gabe Guentzel – D (4g-22a—26pts)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Hunter Fejes – F
Outlook: Last year, I gave these guys a ton of credit because they had, in my opinion, the league's best player. Both Jaden Schwartz and his team didn't quite have the season that I expected, and now that he's gone to the pros, it seemed appropriate my expectations should be lowered to reflect.
Josh Thorimbert is one of the most intriguing players in the league to me, mostly because I'm completely ignorant of how he managed such stellar stats. The only time I watched him play last season was Thanksgiving weekend, when North Dakota put 5 pucks past him on 19 shots, leaving him with a GAA of 3.27 and save % of .899. Since then, he's been on an incredible tear, seemingly getting better every week and finishing the year with the excellent numbers you've see above.
But as history has shown us, goalies are fickle, and playing lights-out to end one year offers no guarantee of continued success. The only thing that we can say for sure is that if Thorimbert continues to be the guy we saw last spring, the Tigers will be a much tougher out that first imagined.
7.
St. Cloud State Huskies
2011-12 Record: 17-17-5 overall –
12-12-5 6th WCHA
Key returning players: Ben
Hanowski – F (23g-20a—43pts), Nic Dowd – F (11g-13a—23pts), Nick Jensen – D (6g-26a
– 32pts), Andrew Prochno – D (5g-24—29pts), Ryan Faragher (.915 SV%, 2.77 GAA,
9-11-3)
Key
Losses: David Eddy - F (9g-16a—25pts), Travis Novak - F (12g-15—27pts), Jared Festler - F (15g-19a—34pts), Mike Lee - G (.930 SV%, 2.23
GAA, 8-6-2)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Jimmy Murray - F, Jonny Brodzinski - F, Rasmus Reijola - G
Outlook: Another team that was bit hard by the injury bug and midseason defections, it's tough to see what's changed at St. Cloud to make them much more than the middle-of-the-pack team they were last year. Ben Hanowski has shown he's a big time scorer, and Ryan Faragher filled in admirable for Mike "Little Game" Lee (because he sucks in the big ones, get it?) last season, but beyond that I don't see it.
Although they will give my North Dakota team fits, and beat CC on the road to get to the Final Five, that much I will grant you.
8.
Michigan Tech Huskies
2011-12 Record: 16-19-4 Overall –
11-13-4 8th WCHA
Key returning players: David
Johnstone - F (11g-18a—29pts), Ryan Furne - F (12g-12a—24pts), Kevin
Genoe - G (.880 SV%, 2.71 GAA, 1-5-0)
Key
Losses: Brett
Olson - F (10g-20a - 30pts), Jordan Baker - F(10g-18a - 28pts) , Alex MacLeod - F (8g-11a - 19pts) , Josh Robinson - G (.909 SV%, 2.83 GAA, 15-14-4)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Jujhar Khaira - F, Alex Petan - F, Malcolm Gould - F, Jamie Phillips - G, Pheonix Copley - G
Outlook: The feelgood story of last season was Michigan Tech's climb from the cellar and appearance at the Final Five. After only 6 conference wins combined over the last two seasons, the Huskies showed signs of life under new coach Mel Pearson and nearly the toast of St. Paul when they nearly knocked off Denver in OT.
Now it's time to see if the sequel can approach the quality of the original, never an easy task, especially with some of your top scorers leaving town. 10 goals might not seem like a lot, but when your team scored 111 on the season, with the leader at 12, it takes on a greater significance.
Not to mention that the goaltending has to improve, not team wins with a save % below .900
9.
Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks
2011-12 Record: 14-18-6 overall –
11-12-5 7th WCHA
Key returning players: Matt
White - F (17g-23a—40pts) Ryan Walters - F (10g-15a—25pts), Bryce
Aneloski - D(6g-14g—20pts)
Key
Losses: Terry Broadhurst - F (16g-20a—36pts), Jayson Megna - F (13g-18a—31pts), Ryan Massa - G (.914 SV%, 2.60 GAA, 7-8-2).
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Anthony Stolarz - G, Brian Cooper - D, Nick Seeler - D, Tanner Lane - F, Aaron Pearce - F
Outlook: I'm generalizing a bit here, because I certainly don't know this team well, but every piece of news lately has seemed bad. Guys leaving the program, guys getting into trouble, all of it doesn't seem to indicate a big improvement over last year's 7th place finish is coming.
10. Bemidji State Beavers
2011-12 Record: 17-18-3 overall –
11-14-3 9thWCHA
Key returning players: Jordan
George - F (19g-12a—31pts), Aaron McLeod - F (9g-14—23pts), Brance
Orban - F (9g-13a—24pts), Andrew Walsh (.915 SV%, 2.37 GAA, 6-4-1)
Key
Losses: Shea Walters - F (12g-14—26pts), Brad Hunt - D (5g-21a—26pts)
, Dan Bakala - G (.911 SV%, 2.64 GAA, 11-13-2)
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Markus Gerbrandt - F, Brad Robbins - F, Cory Ward - F, James Hansen - D, Graeme McCormack - D
Outlook: The Mighty Beav retains it's only significant offensive threat from last year, but loses a goaltender who did yeoman's work behind a marginal bunch of skaters. How far Bemidji goes this year will depend on Jordan George getting some help up front, and Andrew Walsh getting comfortable in net. Walsh's stats looked okay on the whole last year, but his work in league games was spotty at best, tough to see this team challenging for home ice.
Outlook: The Mighty Beav retains it's only significant offensive threat from last year, but loses a goaltender who did yeoman's work behind a marginal bunch of skaters. How far Bemidji goes this year will depend on Jordan George getting some help up front, and Andrew Walsh getting comfortable in net. Walsh's stats looked okay on the whole last year, but his work in league games was spotty at best, tough to see this team challenging for home ice.
11. Minnesota State-Mankato Mavericks
2011-12 Record:
Key returning players: Matt Leitner - F(11g-18a—29pts),
Jean-Paul Lafontatine - F(13g-15a—28pts) Ericah Hayes - F (13g-11a—24pts), Phil Cook - G (.887 SV%, 3.55 GAA, 7-8-0)
Key
Losses: Michael Dorr - F (8g-11a—19pts), Justin Jokinen - F (3g-10a—13pts), Austin Lee - G (.910 SV%, 3.07 GAA, 5-16-1).
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Teddy Blueger - F, Bryce Gervais - F, Brett Knowles - F, Nick Buchanan - D
Outlook: Another team where you can say the key losses weren't all that key. But only because in order to have key losses, you need key players to begin with. Mankato has the look of a team that can score a bit, but will have to find a way to relieve some of the pressure on it's goaltenders if it wants to win. Perhaps a new coach will spark an immediate turnaround, but that seems more likely to happen 2 or 3 years down the road, if at all.
As usual, the most they will do this year is piss off St. Cloud with an extremely ill-timed loss or two.
Outlook: Another team where you can say the key losses weren't all that key. But only because in order to have key losses, you need key players to begin with. Mankato has the look of a team that can score a bit, but will have to find a way to relieve some of the pressure on it's goaltenders if it wants to win. Perhaps a new coach will spark an immediate turnaround, but that seems more likely to happen 2 or 3 years down the road, if at all.
As usual, the most they will do this year is piss off St. Cloud with an extremely ill-timed loss or two.
12. Alaska-Anchorage Seawolves
2011-12 Record: 9-25-2 overall –
5-22-1 12th WCHA
Key returning players: Jordan Kwas - F (4g-10a—14pts),
Scott Warner - D (2g-13a—15pts)
Key
Losses: Mitch Bruijsten - F (8g-8a—16pts), Eric Scheid - F (6g-9—15pts), Curtis Leinweber - D (9g-8a—17pts).
Key
Incoming Freshmen: Blake
Tatchell - F, Haden Trupp - F, Blake Leask - D, Michael Matyas - G
Outlook: Not much is expected from this team, and it seems like not too many people cared to pay attention in the first place. Not only are they bad, they ugly up games to the point it makes good teams look bad
So there it is, my 1 to 12, for the final year of the WCHA. Hopefully it's an epic season, worthy of the best college hockey league in the land, which I've come to love so well these last 15 years.
Outlook: Not much is expected from this team, and it seems like not too many people cared to pay attention in the first place. Not only are they bad, they ugly up games to the point it makes good teams look bad
So there it is, my 1 to 12, for the final year of the WCHA. Hopefully it's an epic season, worthy of the best college hockey league in the land, which I've come to love so well these last 15 years.
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