What's in a name?

Driving around the other day, I saw a restaurant named “Frankie’s”. This got me thinking about the names of things, and what they imply, because certain names only work for certain things. I mean, “Frankie’s” may be a fine name for a restaurant, but wouldn’t work nearly as well for a florist. This was further confirmed later in the evening when I mentioned the restaurant to a friend in passing, and he replied “that place had to be in a strip mall”. Indeed it was. Sometimes, you just know.

There have got to be thousands of businesses in the world that start with people’s names. Bars and restaurants are definitely the most common, seeming to be followed closely by auto mechanics and hair salons. But in truth, you can probably think of an example for just about anything. Last names are easy, if told you need to blindly choose between a meal at Pineida’s or Romano’s, you can probably figure out the type of fare served at each with no further information. First names are trickier, some fit and some don’t, depending on what type of commerce we’re talking about. Unless you live in South Boston or the Bronx, it’s doubtful you’ll be encountering Frankie’s Hair Salon anytime soon, and if you do, Frankie will likely be a large woman with garish fingernails and way too much makeup. At least that’s how I’m picturing her.

A lot of subtlety exists here, take one of America’s best known crafts stores, Michael’s. Would anyone stop in to buy glitter and other assorted cutesy items if the place was named Mike’s? Of course not, that would be ridiculous, Mike’s is the name of a hardware store, or if you want to irritate people, a bike shop. Michael’s Crafts? Well obviously. Mike’s Crafts? We’d better be talking about boats. Incidentally, this theory was almost blown up by the existence of Frank’s Nursery & Crafts, but the placement of the word ‘nursery’ there is key. This conjures an image of Frank, the old retiree who lives nextdoor and likes to work in his garden, seems to fit. I have a tougher time picturing Frank scrapbooking. Without the nursery, they would’ve had to name the place Frances’ Crafts, and a guy named Frances is a scrapbooker if ever there was one.

This phenomenon is perhaps best illustrated by the Joe/Joseph duality. Joe’s Crab Shack has paper placemats and goes for a beach-type feel. Joseph’s House of Crabs would have white tablecloths and a bathroom attendant. Would anyone ever consider buying a Joe Abboud suit at Joe A. Banks? Highly doubtful. But change them both to Joseph and you’re in business. Perhaps this resonates more with me because of my androgynous name, Pat. In fact the reason I know the meaning of the word ‘androgynous’ in the first place is because of that damned “It’s Pat” Saturday Night Live skit, which incidentally caused me to add a second ‘T’ to the end of my first name during the 3rd grade, in an attempt to masculinize it. That’s right, my first name was Patt for a few years there, even had it stitched on a jacket or two. To this day, I still have one friend who will greet me as “Paddie Two T’s”. In retrospect, I should’ve just gone with Patrick, but guys named Pat only get called that by family members and significant others. Seems cumbersome, and why should I have to give up my monosyllabic status because of a stupid, un-funny SNL skit that decided to bastardize my name at the worst possible time? I can still hear them at recess, “What’s that? It’s Pat.” Let’s move on before I start getting angry.

Admittedly, much of this post is a bit of a ripoff from this great George Carlin bit (apologies for the language, or if you happen to have one of the names mentioned), but thinking about businesses also makes it a bit different. Trying to recall odd combinations and perfect fits over the last day or so, the first that sprung to mind was my favorite breakfast restaurant, Fat Nat’s. I have never met Nat, so I cannot attest to him being fat, but I do know that if you ate there every day, you would be. The other side of the coin is Vincent A Restaurant, which by some accounts has Minneapolis’ best hamburger. Now it’s a great burger, that’s not the debate, and Vincent A is a fine name for a restaurant. It’s just that if you were playing word association, burger isn’t what would pop up when you see the name “Vincent A Restaurant”. Matt’s Bar on the other hand? Well there you go.

Two more quick name-related thoughts, as I’m not quite sure where this ramble is leading:

After attending the Minnesota Wild game last night, their name should be changed to the Minnesota Mild, not just for the alliteration, but because that’s what they truly are. Lately they lose a lot of shootouts, the ultimate “well, we lost, but I guess it’s not that bad” sorta moment. In other words, meh.

I was shocked to learn that Newt Gingrich was born in Pennsylvania, as Newt just seems like a quintessential Southern name. Then again, Mitt Romney sounds like a 19th-century baseball player, so maybe it’s best not to read too much into it.

As you can probably tell, the lack of entertainment from the sports teams in this town are causing my mind to wander further afield these days.

Happy Friday.