A Sporting Chance

Based on the proliferation of alleged “sports programming” appearing on television these days, I thought it might be advisable to post a little PSA reminding the public of exactly what constitutes a sport. Many activities, hobbies, and interests are being passed off as sports these days. This is itself is not a major issue, people can spend their time on whatever pursuits they deem worthy. What is a major issue is the fact these people demand the crap they’re screwing around with be given equal priority with actual sports (Yes, I am talking to you, NASCAR and MMA fans demanding that playoff games be switched off to accommodate you’re flavor-of-the-week pseudo sport).

So what’s a sport? Glad you asked. In my mind there are only four, “the four major sports”, as they were called before America lost its attention span: Football, Baseball, Hockey and Basketball. You probably have a lot of questions about particular things you’ve enjoyed playing or watching over the years, so let’s take them one by one and dispel a few misconceptions.

Running – Simplest of all. Running is not a sport, it’s something you do to escape danger or get somewhere more quickly. Running can’t be a sport, because if running is a sport, then walking is a sport, and then everything any human or lower primate can do qualifies, and the conversation loses all meaning. There are a bunch of things that people do for leisure, to stay in shape, etc. that suddenly become sports when a stopwatch gets involved. That’s BS, it’s either a sport all the time or not at all.

Swimming – Another no brainer, swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning. To test this theory, I submit that the during the next Olympics, all participants should get in the pool and stop swimming for a period of 20-30 minutes. Of course this sounds nonsensical, because if they stop swimming, they will DIE! Once again, extending the logic, attaching sports status to swimming means we also need to add breathing, eating and using the toilet to the list, which would lower the bar tremendously.

Soccer – This one may be a bit more contentious, as it is the most popular “game” in the world, but my argument is still sound. Soccer can’t be a sport because you don’t use your hands. Rendering moot the opposable thumb, the most impressive feat of human evolution ever to occur, is not a good basis for your “game”. I call it a “game”, because that’s what it strikes me as, something children would concocting in a schoolyard on the level of “tag” or “hide & seek”. You try to get the ball into the goal, but you can’t use your hands? Does this strike anyone as being along the same lines as “the sand is lava” or “no tag-backs”? Frankly I think the whole thing mocks the armless member of society.  A pair of perfectly good arms and you can’t even use them?  You’re a heartless bunch soccer fans.

Boxing/Wrestling/MMA – These aren’t sports because if they took place in a public park or on a street corner, both participants would be arrested. You might think that’s a weak reason, but it’s my list, so there.

Golf/Bowling/Darts/Billiards – Leisure activities, all of them. No possibly way they can be sports, because no physical exertion is required. I like golf as much as the next guy, but it’s barely past hobby status, whether you’re a professional or hack. To qualify as a sport, at some point you have to at least get winded. Plus all of these things are either played exclusively indoors or outdoors, true sports can be played in either situation.

Figure skating/Gymnastics/Anything else involving judges – The essence of sport is competition, and that competition can’t occur reliably in the face of uncertainty. I don’t care if you’re playing in the NBA or your driveway, the ball going through the hoop means points. Now you can give me that weak argument about how “referees are like judges” but give me a break, a weak call is not even remotely comparable to the French judge knocking off two-tenths of a point because she’s upset about your choice of outfit.

Lacrosse – I have no idea what to call this, believe it’s a blending of several different things. You have some hockey elements in there with the helmets and sticks, a little jai alai thing happening with the ball, some cricket nuances in the 360-degree field of play.  In the end that all amounts to some rich boy nonsense for pussies who couldn’t hack it on the football or hockey teams. They don’t even have a true professional league. Sure some guys moonlight as lacrosse “pros”, but come Monday they’re back at their data processing job hating life like the rest of us. Matter of fact, I’m kind of upset by all the cakeeater high schools that are playing this garbage these days, like a virus we caught from the East Coast. Listen here you elitist preppy types, you’re trying my patience. If I ever hear of school where the football team goes under after too many of your mommies pushed you toward this joke because they were too afraid to let you play a man’s game, there will be hell to pay.

Auto racing – Not even going to dignify this with a reponse, give me a break. And if you want to use the “more popular than hockey” comeback, well that’s fine. As long as you remember that’s only the case because so many people in this country are now so stupid, they not only consider watching a car driving in circles to be entertainment, IT’S THE ONLY F*CKING THING THEIR PEA-SIZED BRAINS CAN PROCESS!!!

Skiiing – There’s no ball, puck or other item put in play around which the thing is based. FAIL.

Hunting/Fishing – These aren’t sports, they’re methods of feeding oneself. Do you think that when prehistoric man left the comfort of his cave to risk his life hunting mammoth, thoughts of fun and leisure were top of his mind?  Besides, any true sport needs both sides to have at least the possibility of winning. Has the pheasant or fish ever “won” one of these encounters? They might lived to get killed another day, but simply surviving doesn’t equate to a win in my book. Now if you’re the kind of guy who goes after bear with a buck knife, there might be some possibilities here, but until then, I say no sir.

Softball – Softball isn’t a sport, it’s an excuse for 30-40something guys to get away from their wives one night a week to drink beer and relive the mediocre athletic accomplishments of their youth. Beer drinking as the basis for any activity disqualifies it for consideration as a sport. You can shoot for the loophole on women’s college softball, as no beer is being consumed, but they still throw the ball underhand, which is a no-no in any self-respecting sport.

Cycling – Beyond the “no ball” problem cropping up again (not a Lance Armstrong joke), the most popular event for this activity takes place in France. Nothing that has its flagship event occurring in France could possibly be called a sport. Again, my list.

Tennis – This can’t be a sport because it’s played on about 10 different surfaces with fundamentally different characteristics. Tennis on grass is different from tennis on clay, which is different from tennis on a hardcourt. Players records back this up, the ones who are all super nimble thrive on clay, the big hitters on hard surfaces, and a whole bunch of stuff in between. Now you make think you have me in a box on basketball, because it’s played on both a wood floor and blacktop. But that’s not the point, because in both of those situations, basketball remains fundamentally the same game, whereas tennis is all over the board. It would be akin to playing football on a different sized field every week, first it’s 100 x 55 yards, then it’s 200 x 80, third time around its 80 x 40. Different teams would fare better on different sized fields, everything would change from one game to the next. Sounds ridiculous right? Well it would be, and that’s why tennis can’t be a sport.

Volleyball – This thing doesn’t even know what it is. Are we playing indoors or out? Two-person or full team? Sand, wood, pavement? Volleyball needs to get its own participants on the same page before I stop to consider the issue.

So there it is, justification for my theory that there are only four true sports. I’m sure many people would disagree, but if I cared about what other people thought, I’d be out talking to them instead of spending 1,500 words documenting my own thoughts.

As always, enjoy whatever it is you enjoy, but keep in mind, it’s not a sport.